Daddy's Cum Slut's Blurty|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Daddy's Cum Slut's Blurty:
[ << Previous 20 ]
[ << Previous 20 ]
|Saturday, December 15th, 2007|
Oh the messes I can make
So I entered the all to well know blue funk.
Well I was there I had put myself to sleep with some fantsies.
Something I think about, something I masturbate to, and something I have
looked for and longed for.
One night Daddy and I were talking and it was late. He was tired
and I was rambling on about nothing. I was in a funk, not rambling
about the funk just rambling on. Daddy made a comment that I was
rambling again and I felt sort of hurt over it.
So Daddy went to bed and I couldn't sleep. I wanted to ramble on
more and didn't have someone to ramble to. I looked and noticed that
a Dom in Seattle that I know, that I'm not to talk to, was on. So I started
to ramble to him. He knows I am not to talk to him so he didn't respond.
He did give me a sign he was there and reading, so I knew my rambling
was being heard and that is what I needed, to vent.
So then the next day, I did the same, I started to type to him, but he
wouldn't respond, just gave signs he was there, an occasionally away
message for me to see. I was talking about Daddy and how I was thinking
he wasn't the "One" for me. I told him the fantasies that I had had and being
that he is a Dom I respect and like he was the Dom in the fantasies that I would
tell myself to put myself to sleep.
As I continued to type, he would give me encouragement in the away messages
a "hug" here and word or two there. I don't know how the trip came into play but
I started thinking more about breaking up with Daddy and going to visit this Dom.
Now I was thinking this on my own, the breaking up with Daddy and wondering if
he was the "One".
This Dom called me, his first words were "we haven't talked unless you respond"
That is what I told him the first time I typed to him. Then he asked if I wanted to
talk and I replied with yes. I was really happy to hear from him and to talk to him.
I think the world of him and he is a great person.
So as we talked about my situations, I knew I needed to make a decision to
either have Daddy as my BF or find an Owner. I just haven't felt ownership
with Daddy, I have felt like he is more of a BF.
So this Dom was on his way out to hang with friends, so we got off the phone
and I went into my ex/roommates office and bounced off him all I was thinking.
I like to talk to numerous people before making a decision because it helps.
My roommate/ex was all for me leaving Daddy, saying that I need someone to
slap my face, pull my hair, put me in a closet, I need someone to "handle" me
when I'm in a mood. Someone who will train me and make me consumed by them.
That he didn't see Daddy as someone to do that, that I need that to feel calm, and to
keep me stable in life.
So after the talk I decided that I should purchase a ticket and go to see this Dom in
Seattle during my break from school that is coming up.
So I did just that, I purchased a ticket.
Right after purchasing the ticket I was excited and happy
then that immediately followed with "fuck, what am I doing"
That night I went to bed with my stomach in knots.
The next morning I woke and my first thought was "what the fuck did I do last night"
I was a mess all day (yesterday) and I was regretting my decision but I was remaining
my self over and over that I need a Master not a BF, it's a need for me not a want.
Then after I talked to Daddy I was even more feeling like I made a mistake
I really care for Daddy and want to be with him, I just need a Master.
So we talked more and more. I wasn't suppose to go to his place this weekend
but Daddy told me to get in the car and get my ass down to him. So I did just that.
Once I arrived at Daddy's we talked a lot
and I am so thankful that Daddy made me come down
that we spoke, that he wants me, that cares for me, that
he wants to put me on a path in life that is respectable and keep
me out of trouble, to make me into that women he wants to be with.
Even thought I'm fucked up he has faith in me that I can be who he needs.
On my drive down to Daddy's I did a lot of thinking. I talked to another male
Dom I know, he told me that I shouldn't have been talking to another Dom,
told me that I make the stupidest choices, that my history proves that I get
scared and then I run from relationships, that if I'm ever going to be happy
I need to attach and not let go. So I started to think after that phone call
that maybe that he hit on something. I know I was scared about Daddy hurting
me emotionally down the road and maybe subconsciencely I wanted to fuck this
up. Daddy isn't just my BF, BF's don't give rules and task or punish when you are bad.
I thought more about the Dom in Seattle and realized that yes he is good at talking
to me and calming me when I'm upset, but he has other traits that I orginally told
myself to stay away from. He is older then I'd like, he would be ok with me sleeping
with another and being paid for it, he likes the swingers life style. The latter two being
the main reasons why I left my last Dom. I don't want to be that way. Sure the forceness
of doing it is nice, I like the submissive feeling that comes from doing something I really
don't want to do, yes I did enjoy some of the orgies I have been part of but I don't like
the risk that comes with being with many people or the feeling of being dirty. I don't mean
having sex with someone in front of others, it gives me a submissive feeling and I like
to watch others but I don't want to be inacting with others, I want my Owner to be possiessive
I want to be Daddy's and I like that Daddy doesn't like to share me, I'm his and no one elses.
So Daddy and I have talked also about commuication, how I need to commuicate better with him.
Express my wants, needs and then let him decide if I get them or not. His desicion but I need
to express them to him and not others. Commuication being a big key in any relationship, I am
going to start doing that, commuicating more with him.
I am ok right now, I'm calm, I'm happy, I'm thankful.
I am going to obey, I am going to do as I'm told
I am going to be a good girl for Daddy and remain with him.
I have canceled my flight, I have a credit now
Minus $130, so $304.60, to put towards another ticket
before the year is up from the day I purchased my ticket
So Daddy and I will use that for a trip in Fla. Maybe in March.
So it has all worked out and I'm content with all of it.
Now that doesn't mean we talked and all is complete fine.
I did upset Daddy big time, I have fucked up pretty big
So I have lost furniture rights, I had to sleep on the floor last night.
I'm not allowed to sit on the couch; I sit on the floor to watch TV and
eat my meals. Daddy was upset and couldn't eat yesterday; I had a
small lunch at 11am and Daddy told me not to eat on my way down and
he didn't let me eat at all last night, because i messed his stomach up all
day so I went to bed with a empty belly. I'm not going to be allowed to
cum until I return back down to Daddy's on Tuesday or maybe even longer.
I know that there will be more than what i have stated above as punishment
for what i have done, but this will not start until I go to see him tuesday.
So as you see, I'm being punished. I have to prove that I'm going to be
good before I get rights back. I was a very shamed girl yesterday. I had
a hard time looking at Daddy and I was angry with myself as I went to sleep
on the floor last night.
This all sucks right now, the punishment I have. But I'm not going to whine
about it because I'm just so thankful that my fuck up didn't take away something
good and special, that Daddy is a very good Daddy and is willing to keep me.
He doesn't want to "fire" me *smile*
So I have a fresh start and to go with that fresh start
I am going to have to move my blurty to another account.
Daddy didn't want anyone that I know reading this blurty.
It's for him and him only. He doesn't mine strangers reading it
and so those of you that read and don't know me in real life
don't worry he doesn't mind you guys reading, just people I know
in real life. I had given the location of this blurt to the Dom in Seattle
and I am going to lose all connection to him. So this is going to be the
last entry in this blurty and I'm moving to another.
All things happen for a reason, I'm not sure what reason/s will come
from this fuck up, but I look forward to happier times where I'm a good
girl with no more fuck ups.
|Thursday, December 13th, 2007|
This all sucks
I get out of class today, go into the library due to all the snow we are getting and have I
didn't want to walk home for lunch (6 inches as now 4pm) So I sit in the library and worked
on my study guide for Tuesday's test. As I was working on it, I realized how much I don't know
for this coming test.
There was talk after class about the snow storm we are having now and the one coming over
the weekend. I was still going to Daddy's knowing Saturday into Sunday we are getting another
foot of snow. I figured, hell if I miss class on Monday no big deal I'll get the notes from a friend.
Then as I thought more about it, we are having a jam session Monday also. I just can't afford to
So I had decided not to go to Daddy's this weekend. I hate this weather and test shit. I did come
home and study some more. I want to go to Daddy's but I just am not sure I can and get home
for Monday with out being super tired and unable to put in a lot of time on Monday for Tuesday's
test. Even if we don't get this coming storm with all the snow over the weekend, I still feel I should
stay home and study. Only because driving to Daddy's takes a total of 8 hours there and back. That's
8 hours I lose in studying. Not that I plan to study the whole weekend but I need to be rested and all.
It does take a lot out of me to drive those 8 hours on the weekend. I normally am tired on Monday and
normally it doesn't matter because I don't have a test on Tuesday.
This week has been hell and I haven't really slept well all week, so I'm already exhusted and I hate it.
I wish this week was different because I was really looking forward to this weekend.
I will be down at Daddy's on Tuesday because after the test we are off for two weeks for Christmas break.
So it's not like I have to go a hole other week with out seeing Daddy. But I did really want to go with him to
the two parties.
This all sucks majorly
Also I was going to see a lil boy and that would have been 200 dollars.
Maybe I can move him to Wednesday night. I'll have to see what Daddy says about that.
I hate snow
I hate test
|Wednesday, December 12th, 2007|
Month and a half
It's been a month and a half since my last deep dark funk.
Not bad considering the time of year it is, anyways not there yet.
An emotional roll coaster that I never get off, I feel myself heading down the hill.
I have delt with this for so many years that I know in advance when the ride is headed
Not that the ride always takes me down to the bottom, sometimes I manage to stop the ride.
That I still haven't figured out how I do it, or if I do it.
Could be that sometimes the dip is shollow and I am headed up before I know I'm down.
Not really sure
But I am headed down, have to wait to see how far down the ride goes this time.
I hate rollar coasters
Nothing I can do about it though, I have lived this long with the damn ride
I just hold on and close my eyes
I do that alot
I'm in a mood, so I'm coming here to ramble.
I feel tears deep with in, but there isn't a tear that surfaces.
The need to be fucked up is here, no vin to be had, nor should I take them anyways.
I'm all mixed with feelings and stress and I have no real out let right now other then
Thing is, if I ramble here, the tears will come.
Which I feel I need right now, a good cry.
I feel like a soda bottle that has been shaken with a tight lid on.
Where I am in life right now is not a good place.
I keep going through each day, soon better times will be here.
Holidays, I think a reason why I hate this time of year is because the year is coming to
an end and yet another year is ending and I'm no closer to where I want to be then I was
last year. I'm not getting any younger, but I'm getting older.
I feel like a failure
my self eestem is lower right now then it has been in a while
I feel useless
Thoughts of not being good enough
fears of being annoying
I need to say fuck it
just be who I am and not worry about it
If I'm liked great, if not oh well
I care way to much
I hate who I am right now
a shy lil girl who is needy
babbling on and on all the time
I need to shut up and just go to bed
I ramble to much
|Tuesday, December 11th, 2007|
Another stressful day....when is it going to end?
So I had class, then lab, then volunteered for the Red Cross as the juice and snack girl.
Then went out for pizza, came home and studied.
Not much fun tonight...not much relaxing either
I'm tired, I went out last night and that probably wasn't smart
but was much needed.
So Christmas is approaching and I'm sooo not looking forward to it.
I just want it over with.
I'm not in the mood for Christmas this year and I really don't want
to do it at all. I already told my famly I would be around and I guess
I should be. But I don't feel like driving to see them and I don't feel
like being around them and pretending to be happy. It's going to be
hard this year for me to be happy and it's so draining to pretend.
I really wish I wasnt like this, that I could enjoy the holidays like most others
but it's always a hard time of year for me, ever since my father pasted away.
As normal, I'll get through!!!
So it's late already and I don't feel like I have rested at all
I'm going to chat a bit more on line and then lay down to sleep
Things are all good!
I have been stressed. Money or lack there of has made me stressed.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Daddy allowed me to meet a lil boy this weekend.
I played with him under Daddy's rules, at Daddy's house.
It seems that this lil boy is going to work out fine and Daddy is comfortable with it
and that makes me comfortable with it.
So once again, for now, as long as lil boy is around, I have my 400 every other
week again! That is after the holidays because I won't see lil boy for two weeks
My car has started to act up and I am going to need to put money into this damn
car now. So there goes that money I just got, blah. I still need to get my christmas
shopping done as well, blah.
I'm sure it will all work out, since I'm seeing maybe one or two lil boys this
weekend and one the next. Not sure if the two this weekend will work out
but we'll see.
I'm so stressed lately with money and school....
I just don't feel I'm retaining the information that I need too.
I'm worried about looking like an ass during my rotations that start in March.
I just want to be done already and have a job and be done stressing about
graduation and grades, to be able to stop fearing that I'm going to fail.
I feel like there is so much pressure on me right now that I'm going to burst.
I did have a great weekend with Daddy...I got punished but I know I needed it.
I deserved it because I did wrong. I really don't like to do wrong, Friday Daddy was
upset with me and that killed me. I hated that he was upset and so I keep bring the
topic up with him, I wanted it to be made right and for him to forgive and forget.
I wanted him to be happy and not upset with me.
Daddy didnt punish me until Sunday before I left. I wasn't so happy about
being punished before leaving. But I found out after that it was a good call on
his part. A nice fresh reminder for the week to be good.
I have found it hard today to be with out Daddy. I miss him when I'm home during
the week. I'm not happy when I'm home, when I'm away from him. I do have something
to look forward to, the weekends with him. The rest of this school is going to be hard until
I can be with him. I hate coming home at the end of the weekend.
I'm so stressed tonight that I was going to the bar. I called Daddy and let him know.
After I got off the phone I decided that on a Monday night it would be better to sit at
a strip club and release stress then to go to a bar and sit alone. I didn't tell Daddy that
I was going to a different bar and after I left and told him I realized that I shouldn't have.
I am glad that Daddy isn't going to punish me, because he hadn't really told me not to go there.
I did sort of know how he felt but I thought it was over the club I worked at not all of them.
He doesn't like the atomsphere and doesn't really want me there. Due to past stories I have
told he isn't all that comfortable with certain things. I have no reason to cheat on Daddy and
I don't want to , but I see his point.
Honestly, I feel I'm growing almost to the point that I just want to obey and do right by him.
I know that sounds stupid because just this week I disobeyed, but I really do want to do right.
As time goes, as I get closer to Daddy this desire and need to make him happy will only get
stronger. I'm not saying it's completely there but it is there. I do want to obey and I know in time
with training and as my feelings grow that I will obey completely for him.
I won't be breaking the rule of not talking with Spike anymore, I feel that I have explained
all that to Spike and that I will feel comfortable now not responding if he contacts me.
Really the only thing to worry about is drugs, my vin, which I currently have done and I
won't look for any and Daddy is cool with me calling him if I need, if some how I get some
and feel like taking them, Daddy will not be mad if I call him to talk about it. He wants to be
my support. I really don't want to take them anymore, I want to be clean for Daddy and not
be fucked up. I think I can do this, now that they are gone.
Actually the day I took them I was stressed but had NOT thought about them. It was my ex/roomate
who said jokingly "why don't we both take some" so in my pissy mood I told him that I was going for
smokes and wanted them in my room when I returned. Had he not talked about them I wouldn't have
asked for them. I might have thought of them but I wouldn't have asked him for them if he hadn't
brought them up.
He is an ass, I think he trys to make me do these things...I hate him and can't wait for him to be
out of my life completely. He tried to have sex with me while I was high. He was going to rape me.
I mean in the real sense not the play fun sense. He said he could and that no one would believe me
because he has proof that I like that. I really had to push him away from me a few times.
He was grabbing my breast and my crotch. He was really trying and I was struggling with him telling
him to stop and meaning it.
There was a time before, the last time I slept with him, that he did the same thing but was more
aggressive and he had sex with me that time. I could have stopped it, I didn't use a safe word
so I don't count it as real rape but I really didn't want him to.
This time I wouldn't have let him, I even told him I would use a safeword and then it would be
rape and that I'd press charges....thank god he believed me.
Anyways...life is stressful right now. I just can't wait until it's all over and I'm away from him
the roomate and done with school, working so I have money and with Daddy where I can see
him every day.
I just think sometimes how am I going to get by the rest of these 8 months?
I really am stressed more then anyone knows, more then I let show.
I need to be strong and I try so hard to be.
Well anyways I'm rambling which I'm good at.
But anyways all is well and on to another day we go
bedtime for me!
|Thursday, December 6th, 2007|
Woke up and went to class for 9 this morning.
Class ran late so I got to the Phlebotomy lab late
which then run into my lunch time.....
so I had to grab a slice of pizza in the cafe and swoll it whole
no time for chewing, then off to lab
Got home at 2:30pm
and have been taking a break since.
However I have a huge test tomorrow so I'm going to go study for that now.
grrrrr, I so hate school and can't wait until it's all over.
|Wednesday, December 5th, 2007|
Why am I so stupid? Why do I fuck up?
So I did a few things tonight that I am now going to be punished for.
Why do I do that?
I know when I do something wrong that I'm going to be punished
so why do I do them?
I guess at the time I either don't think about it, or I think maybe I
won't be punished, that Daddy will let it slide. It is still early in our
relationship, I have only had two punishments, NO it's not that I'm
testing him, it's just that I don't think.
I have a bad day and I break, I don't handle it well and then I fuck up.
So I was stressed today, I didn't handle it well, and now I'm going to be punished.
It all started with this ex/roommate thing. I got so angry and panicked about money
that I emailed a lil boy that I have been commuicating with, trying to make plans to
meet him half way and play in a hotel. He seems so reliable and someone who will
be regular, a good source of income. While Daddy and I have talked about this and
he doesn't like the ideal of me doing this, but he understands it's the only option I have
right now for making enough money to pay bills and still have time to study and see him.
So I can do it, but only under his conditions, which are at his house with him present.
I wasn't actually going to go meet this lil boy with out Daddy's permission, I guess I
figured that if it was set up and after Daddy and I talked more that he'd give in and let
me do it this way, in a hotel with out him present. Well that was a mistake, because now
I will be punished for that.
After I emailed this lil boy, being so upset and unable to deal, I got the roommate to give
me the vicodin that he had that he had hidden from me over two months ago. I needed a
break from all this shit, a high to calm me and take all the worrys away, a break from reality.
So I took two. Add that to the punishment list, now Daddy is punishing me for this also.
While on the phone with Daddy, he did make me flush the remaining pills, so now they are
all truely gone. I do not have my contact for them anymore so I can't get more and I wouldn't
anyways but I'm glad they are gone, at least now I know I can't get into trouble again by taking
them at a moment of weakness because they are gone now.
Then being high, wanting to talk to someone, missing the Dom from Seattle, I IMed him.
Daddy and I have talked about that. I was allowed to email him ONCE, which I misunderstood
I thought I was again allowed to email him once in a while, but I was NOT to IM with him. So
because I IMed for a very short time with him, I will be punished for that as well.
So three fuck ups
Three punishments coming
After that last punishment, the second one Daddy had to give me, I'm now afraid.
I really wish I would have thought about that punishment before I did all this.
I was so upset and so I wasn't thinking....I really hope that these punishments are as
bad as I'm anticipating, I really don't want to be punished, I wish that wasn't how all this
worked. When I do something wrong, why can't we just talk about it and just get a scolding.
I am afraid of what Daddy is going to do, I know punishments aren't suppose to be fun and
have to be uncomfortable. I just don't want to have to take it, I really wish I wasn't so stupid
I hate doing wrong, I hate that Daddy is upset with me. I wish I could be perfect all the time.
I hope that Daddy has mercy on me, that he isn't to hard on me. I know I'm going to get punished
but I hope he isn't to harsh on me. I'm already super sorry.
Loss of control
There are so many ways that can be interrupted
One can lose control over their life, feeling helpless and panicked.
Not knowing what tomorrow will bring, how stresses will be resolved,
if they will fail or pass a test, if they will be able to pay a bill, if a cherished
someone will be there or be gone tomorrow, or if there will be money for food.
It’s a scary feeling, this loss of control is. Not knowing what is going to
happen or if things will work out and you’ll be happy.
Loss of control can be submission, giving all your control over your self
to another to have the control to decide actions and direction. This can be
rewarding and calming. Knowing that this person in whom you trust will
make all your decisions and will care for you. The power exchange that
brings two people together in a bond that unites them emotionally.
Drugs, being high, can be a loss of control. This also produces a feeling of
calmness. You loss control over how you feel, you loss control over your
body, depending on the drug you could loss control over actions, thoughts,
and what you say. Although this can cause problems and destroy ones life
if managed correctly could be a nice, much needed break from reality. A
vacation if you will from the stress of life.
When I am not controlled by another, I quickly lose control over my life, which
results in loss of control due to drugs.
I have control issues…I can’t deal with them. Even though one might have control
over me, I still lose control over myself at times. When that person isn’t around to
pull me back, I can do stupid things.
The rest of my schooling is going to be super hard. Not only because of the class work
and having to deal with financial burdens, but because my controller is 4 hours away
and so I’m left to myself all week, which can result in stupid moves and mistakes.
I can't take it any longer.
All last year, for about 13 months, I gave that jack money left and right
I paid the rent the last couple months we were there. I bought the food,
I paid for vacations, I paid when we were out doing whatever dinner or drinks.
Now that we aren't together but living together he keeps asking me to help
with bills. I just don't have the money right now.
I didn't want him coming with me, I let him because he was persistant.
Now I know why....because he knew that life would be easier with me.
He even said today that he was planning that I would dance at a club
on the weekends here.
Well little did he know when I said I wouldn't be able to help him at ALL
this year that I was fucking serious.
So fuck him
If I'm going to dance at a club or find clients
then I'll pay all the fucking bills myself and he can move the fuck out
I'm not making another year easy for him because he is a lazy fuck
who can't work a real job to make money
He has two months
he better be the fuck out
At exactly 6pm, the door opens
My capture walks in
embarrassed that I have obeyed
that I have surcame to his wishes
I look down at the floor
Pleased that I have obeyed
he walks over and puts a finger under my chin
lifting my gaze to his
A smile in his sparkling blue eyes
"Good Girl, I'm very pleased, you are very beautiful, a gem
you will make a very good and cherished toy, you need not
worry, I will care for you, love you, train you, disciple you,
you have no worries other then to obey my every word."
He tells me to sat, nerverously I obey and stand up
He sits in my chair and orders me to kneel at his feet.
Kneel at this feet, my eyes lowered, I listen as he continues
to explain how my exsistance will be
"I will train you, you will learn that I am all you need, that
I'm as important to you as the air you breath. You will be
mine, my cherished toy, so intuned to me that you will react
to the slightist motion I give, like snapping my fingers you will
automatic lower you eyes, a touch of my hand on your neck
will make you wet, a whisper of my voice will have you trembling.
Of course all in time as you will need to be trained"
After he takes my hands and helps me stand
leads me over to the bed, ties me to the bed
each limb to each post of the bed. As he does he speaks
"you are bound to this bed, as you are bound to me. I make
you whole and feel calm and safe, with out me, your world is
unsafe, you are empty, nothing. You will remain tied here
and as I leave you I want you to think about what I have just
said.....you are bound to this bed, as you are bound to me, your
only purpose now is to please me and obey, that is your purpose
in life which makes you whole and gives you worth"
He finishes tieing me and leaves....
tied there for two days
no way of making to the bathroom
i have long pee'd myself and lay in a half wet bed
it has began to dry.
i have cryed
i have tryed to get free
i have thought over these words
and i feel them
i need him
i need him to untie me, to have mercy so I may use the bathroom
to feed me
i desire him to come back
i long for him now
crying as i wait for him
tears have changed from angry tears to
missing tears, desepate tears of need for him
i hear the door knob turn
and i quickly look over
i see him come through the door
"oh thank god, thank you for coming back, i thought you had forgotten me
oh thank you for coming back"
He smiles a gentle smile
he comes over and strokes my head
he leans in and kisses my forehead
"happy to see me lil girl?"
"oh yes, oh yes, I'm so happy to see you!"
I have brought you some food and some water
I will feed you
But first, I see you need to be changed.
He leaves me tied, bound to the bed
He cuts my clothes off
takes the sheets off the bed under me
the bed had a plastic sheet on it
so he takes a wet rag and wipes it as I lift myself
the best I can. Then he rolls clean sheets under me
and fits them to the four corners.
Then with a wash pan, he washes me.
Feeling embarrassed over all this, i start to get teary eyes
i turn my face so he doesn't see.
After he finishes cleaning me, he wipes my tears...he knows I'm crying
"There is nothing to be ashamed of, you are my property, my toy, there
isn't anything you should hide from me or that I shouldn't know. I will love
and cherish you, there is no better property then a lil girl such as yourself."
Then he goes about feeding me, as I'm left bound to the bed.
He leaves me there for sometime, weeks, I lose track of time.
He comes each day and feeds me, cares for me, uses me!
In time I earn rights, able to be untied from the bed
allowed to roam around the room
Then the house
in time trips outside the house, with him.
Totally, completely a slave, owned and controlled
I'm such a pervert
So my hormones are running wild!
9am, I'm sitting in class, but my mind, oh no it's not in class!
A fantasy playing out in my mind, staring at the outline of the lecture
pretending to be paying attention, but really, I'm in another time, another place.
Held in a room
The door locked
Kept on a chain that hangs from the middle of the room
The chain attached to a collar around my neck, and just long enough
to get to the bathroom off the bedroom and all around the room but
it stops short of the door, which is locked anyways.
My capture, brings me food, carefully measured out for me.
I have only been here a few days
I refuse to eat
refuse to shower
I just lay in bed
For a few days he lets all this slide
then he brings me food after 4 days of me refusing to eat
he ties me to a chair and tells me I won't be untied until I eat all my food
I still don't eat it
the next day, 24 hours of being tied in this chair
He cames in and stays he is done with this game
I will eat and I will like it
He takes me, hooks a chain to my leather wrist cuffs
and starts to whip me with a single tail
After a few good hits
screaming from the first one and crying hard after the 5th one
He asks me if I'm ready to eat
I nod and he unhooks me and takes me to my food
I slowly eat, until it's all gone
Getting my period
needing to ask him for something
hating that I need to do so
but quitely when he comes back
I tell him I got my month friend
I ask him please to let me have a pad and some panties
Hating that I have to ask him for this, that I'm forced
to relie on him and his mercy to give me what I need
knowing that I have no choice then to break
to give in and relie on him for EVERYTHING
He will become as important to me as the air I breath
He gets these items and returns
I am grateful and I go to the bathroom to wash and put them on
After this, he leaves me paper and a pen
telling me he feels I'm ready
that he wants a list of things I need to get "ready"
you know take a shower, do my hair, makeup
that sort of thing.
I'm starting to understand that I need him now
that there is no excape, that I will have to obey
and relie on him for all my needs.
I don't like it, but I do it, I write out all I need
Frustrated because I can't remember names of products
I know what they look like and it would be sooo much easier
to just go buy them. To go with him to pick them up.
But that isn't happening, he isn't going to let me out of this room
I cry and I throw the pen
He comes back and by then I have finished the list
given in again to his desire, I have obeyed again
I have made the list
He smiles and pats my head
Oddly, as he padded my head and said "Good Girl"
It felt really good.....
Hours later he returns with all the items on the list
and a very sexy but conservative business like outfit
short black skirt, black garter belt, black high heels, a nice sexy
cleavage revealing shirt.....
Tells me to continue being a good girl
to shower and make my self pretty for him
to put on these items and be ready by 6pm
He smiles and says "you will be inspected, so pay attention to detail and
make yourself pretty for me"
I'm shocked at first
I just stare at the clock
I have 3 hours to get ready
Now I haven't showered, shaved NOTHING in a week
I'm still angry that I am here
That this man has taken me from my life
that he is holding me against my will
That I am forced to depend on him
But I know that I have no choice
I know that I do NOT want to experience that whip again
So I start getting ready
I sit in the chair
30 mins until he'll return
I sit there staring at the door
wondering what he will do to me
Wondering what is going to happen
Is he going to kill me?
all sorts of things go through my mind
I sit there barly breathing waiting for him to return
Time for class
TO BE CONTINUED
|Tuesday, December 4th, 2007|
Taking a short break after two hours and twenty minutes of studying.
This next test (on Friday) is going to be a bitch. A ton of material, 7 chapters worth.
It will be on the wonderfully amazing immune system, because it's so amazing it's so complex.
Blah, my brain hurts.
So on my break what do I do, I check myspace. Only two emails *frown*
Not much of a break, so I had a salad and am now right in my blurty.
Day two of the diet is going well so far! Just have to stick to an already made
plan of what to eat and when to exercise. Shouldn't be to hard, I'm definitely
motivated right now.
My mind constantly roams to Daddy during the day. I'm so happy to be his lil girl.
I have grown with my emotions for Daddy faster then I think I normally do. I have
put some thought into that, because I like to analyze every thing LOL. I think I know
why, I haven't been in a monotonous relationship in years. Daddy is the first monotonous
relationship that I have had in probably 3 years. I dated someone for 10 months
but was seeing others at the same time, then my next three relationship which were all
between 10 months and 13 months, two over lapping, I was seeing others as well. So my
last monotonous relationship was with a man 3 years ago and I was with him 3 years.
The fact that I was with him for 3 years and when it ended I was really hurt, he was the first
relationship that was ended by him, not me, the only relationship I have had to end that way.
So that is probably why I'm so scared right now.
I think that because I haven't allowed my self to be monotonous, or have started relationships
with guys I knew were not what I wanted, that has protected me from hurt. Now that I am with
someone that I really like and want to be with and I'm being with just him, I think I'm allowing
or am able to develop a deeper connection. I'm so afraid I think because the last time I did this
I was left, which scarred me.
*deep breath* so that is my analysis
Not that it means much.
So I think what I need to do, is just continue on with a positive mind set and let this unfold as
it will and stop worrying about it all and just enjoy what I have, hoping that it last and I don't
have to experience that hurt all over again.
Ok enough of that....LOL
Time to pee-pee and get back to studying!
|Monday, December 3rd, 2007|
Despite PMS, my day ended well.
I studied for an hour, would have liked to do more but I couldn't make myself.
Then I got to chat with Daddy on line for a bit, which always makes me happy.
Then I exercised and chatting more with Daddy.
Today was my real first day on my diet. I have been trying to get myself to diet
for weeks now, today I finally kicked it off.
I went to the store and bought all the essential diet foods. Carrots, celery, apples,
bananas, yogurt, corn flakes, just health foods. I am going to eat 1500 calories per
day and exercise at least 30 mins. I accomplished that goal today, even if 400 calories
came from donuts today *frown*, but I did stay with in 1500 calories and I did exercise.
So I'm off to a good start!
Tomorrow I don't have lab, so I'll be done with school around 11am. So then I'll check
out the TV guide and see what is coming on the Fit TV channel and I'll plan on two shows
to work out with. Then I'll work on my studying between doing those two shows.
All in all it was a good day!
Wow can we say PMS
I am soooo not use to PMS
Normally I get my friend (enemy) twice a year if I'm lucky
The doctor has me on birth control for my high testosterone level
and we all know what that means, a monthly visit from aunt flow!
I'm so cranky, feeling 300lbs, slightly depressed, bloated, did I metion cranky?
I'm oh so cranky feeling right now.
I so don't like being a women right now, I just keep reminding myself "multiply orgasms"
That helps me be ok with all this PMS bull right now.
|Sunday, December 2nd, 2007|
So I had another good weekend with Daddy.
I arrived shortly after him on Friday.
We went to pick up some pizza and some weekend foods.
Then back to the house to relax.
Saturday Daddy took and tied me to the pool table (after laying down a plastic sheet).
Funny how I miss this play, use to have it every weekend with my first BDSM play partner and then with my ex we never had this sort of play.
However I didn't feel so submissive as we started. Not sure why.
I wanted him to play with me, but I guess not at that moment
*I know I’m weird, just don't ask LOL*
So going into the "scene" not really feeling all that submissive at the moment,
made it all really hard on me to accept what was going to take place.
Daddy was hooking up some device that I didn’t know what it was but I
Was assuming was like the tens unit, so I keep telling him not to do it, he had
It hooked up on my sweet spot and I was trying to get him to put it else where for
The first time or to just test it on me to see if I can handle it first, which normally I wouldn’t have done if I had been feeling submissive, or so I think *smile*
Then Daddy started to drip hot wax on me.
I moved around a lot and was feeling sort of angry. Mainly because it hurt and
Not being in a submissive mind frame made me not want to take it.
Soon enough though, from the hot wax landing on my cold skin (it was cold in the room we were in, which made it hurt more) my mind became hazy.
It becomes impossible to think anything on your own (if something was told to me to think I could) but with out a voice talking or whatever, my mind cannot think of nothing but the feeling of that hot wax landing on my body, that sting of hot that fades pretty quick.
As time went on, Daddy started to flog sweet spot, that makes me nervous, I’m sensitive
There, dah LOL. I never had my sweet spot flogged I really didn't care for it.
I kept turning my self the best I could on my side, with my hands and legs tied down it was hard and I couldn't flip over but I could turn a little. So then Daddy would start to flog my inner thigh, telling me to lay on my back and I would obey.
After a bit, Daddy zoned in on my left inner thigh. He just kept hitting it over and over
In the same spot, it was tortuous. Again I would try turning and I could hear Daddy’s
Voice telling me to lay on my back so I would.
Over and over I feel Daddy’s sting on my thigh. It hurt so much, and then I realized I had tears in my eyes, I never got teary eyed in a scene before, only in punishments. Then finally Daddy stopped, he started to kiss me, told me that I was doing good taking this for Daddy.
It was at this time, through the haze, I realized I still felt angry about all this. But his kisses and words made all that fade and in its place was a feeling of closeness, happiest, and guilt for feeling angry. It was at that moment that he could have continued on my
Thigh and I would have happily taken more from him. It’s a great feeling once you are
Submitting for someone, when you hear them say something like that and you know you
Are being a “good girl” it makes it all so much easier to take.
Then Daddy started to give me pleasure, the magic wand or whatever it’s called. It felt
So good in contrast to Daddy beating my left thigh, so good I wanted to cum, but the
Guilt I felt from feeling angry was in the way. Funny, because at one point Daddy asked
Me if I felt I deserved to cum, I just said I didn’t know because I didn’t feel I deserved it
At that point, however in time I did cum and it was soooo intense that my eyes started to
Get teary eyed again (I know weird, why would someone get teary eyed from a good explosion?).
Then Daddy climbed up on the pool table and fucked me *smile*, I love the feeling of Daddy inside of me. It feels so good, he was gripping my hair and pulling my head up
As he fucked me, I cum again, just before Daddy had an explosion, *smile* so strong
It shot up to my eye, good thing my eye was closed *smile*
After, we got all cleaned up. Hot wax play can be messy. Then we cuddled *smile*
I still haven’t come to terms with my submissive feelings, when I am in a scene like
This with someone I like after I feel so close, it’s more binding emotionally then sex will or can ever be and I don’t understand it or accept it well sometimes. I feel like a freak that
I feel closer more attached to someone after they hurt me in this way. Either way, that is what resulted, me feeling attached and close to Daddy.
I’m due for my period at any moment, probably should have been here already, so I’m a bit emotional right now. I’m always emotional but more right now, so with that said, later that night we laid on the couch snuggled together watching a movie. Daddy fell asleep and I was watching the movie but also still feeling very attached. My insecurities kicked in and I cried a little, I’m so afraid right now. It was been a long time since I have felt this close to someone. It’s only been two months, not even yet, and I know I feel closer and more attached then Daddy does. I am so afraid to get hurt, I laid on that couch and I was crying because I am scared and a part of me wants to take flight, to leave, but I know I can’t and that I won’t, I don’t really want to leave, I just don’t want to be left.
I have dated a few other the last 3 years, but non of them have made me feel this way, so there was no true fear of being hurt. I would leave those relationships for different reasons but not from fear of being hurt. I actually never thought to do this before, I guess my last broken heart was to much and I really am afraid to be hurt again and I wouldn’t be so afraid if my emotions weren’t growing for Daddy as fast as they are.
I want to find a way to hold them back, until Daddy catch’s up or at least to protect myself for if Daddy doesn’t catch up with me. I think that finding a way to hold my emotions back for a bit with out hinder Daddy’s emotions from growing would be a smart thing. I just feel to much to soon and that’s way to scary.
Well today is Sunday and I’m home. I had to leave early this weekend due to a snow storm. The roads weren’t bad but if I had left at normal time I would have had a more slippery ride home. I got home at 5:30ish Pm tonight.
I really do miss Daddy during the week, I look forward to the weekends, and they go so fast.
I really hope that Daddy and I last for a very long time, I know I am NOT going to be going anywhere. I have only been broken up once before and well if Daddy and I are at some point NOT together (wish I hope never happens) it will have to be him that ends it.
Guess that is another reason why this is so scary for me, because I see so much of what I want in my forever partner that I know I don’t ever want to leave and so I run the risk of him leaving me and those break ups are always the worse.
|Thursday, November 29th, 2007|
I am going to have a busy day today!
I'm on break now between class and lab
at 12:30pm I have to be in lab, and when I get home I have to review
my class notes from yesterday and today. My goal this class is to do better.
I am going to put more time into studying and try and get 90's or better on
both test this class. *smile*
Before I review my notes I need to stretch
then after I review my notes I need to do two Fit TV shows (exercise)
Then I'm going to do wash and pack so I can leave for Daddy's tomorrow
right after class!
So with what I have set out to do, I will probably not be done until 8 or 9PM
Then I think I will see what's on Tv and watch a show or if nothing is on
I'll watch a movie, then off to sleep!
So that is the plan!
I thought about Daddy alot in class today, I miss him and can't wait until Friday.
I'm going to give him a great big bear hug the second he comes in the door Friday
I'm so happy with Daddy!
|Wednesday, November 28th, 2007|
Today has been a pretty good day! Went to class at 9am
then from class went right to Phlebotomy at 11am.
Had lunch with a friend at noon....then we went to lab at 1pm
Got home around 3pm....
I did my hair (straightened it)
washed my face
am having dinner now
Then I'll do my match-up and change my clothes
Then off to meet Mr.Basement for the first time. Just going to talk for an hour
to get to know him, he is bring me 400 dollars, then we can set up a "play date"
after...but a first meet for talking and coffee is good.
My roommate is going with me, he'll sit at a different table and just hang out.
Then after he and I will go to another cafe, one that has beer, have two beers
and then come home.
So should be a good evening!
I really started to miss Daddy today. I can't wait for the weekend to go see him
or have him come see me. Not sure yet if I'm going to see him or if he is still coming
up to me. Either way is good with me. I rather be at his home, more comfortable and
we are alone (I have the roommate), but it's nice to not have to drive and to save the
money in gas. But either way, I really don't mind, As long as I get to see Daddy!
|Tuesday, November 27th, 2007|
Full of Hate
Laying down, resting my head gently on my pillow. Snuggled into bed, my eyelids drop and my mind plays a movie of another time and another place.
Life is a bit stressful right now. I find myself unhappy and regretting recent past decisions. Living with a person that I once felt love and caring for, but now, feel anger, resentment, and annoyance for. I try so hard each day to not be nasty to him, to remain friendly towards him. I know he has no one other then his family, who are 3 hours away. I try to spend some time with him, to go out with him once a week, so that he isn’t tripped in this house depressed and annoyed.
I can’t begin to explain why I feel I need to do these things. I do feel guilty that he is here and unhappy with the situation himself, trapped in this area with no where to go and nothing to do, no one to spend time with.
I guess, after this last year and the things I did for him, the feelings they produced and the issues it festered, that I shouldn’t care about him and how uncomfortable, depressing and boring it has to be for him right now.
This is going to be a long few months, 9 months to be exact. Having to live with him and his annoying noisiness, his cigarette smoke that gives me a headache and gives me a stuffy nose every morning, listening to his TV each night as I try to sleep because he is up late at night watching TV loudly, having to listen to him whine here and there about wishing we were together, listening to him talk about his nephews and making fun of the one always making the other look better, struggling with money because he took money from me all last year and now won’t do the right thing and pay for all this year, since I did last year…..this is so much about him that I can’t stand, I believe most of it is because of the dirt in my soul over who he made me over this last year.
Laying down to sleep, my head resting on a fluffy pillow, my eyelids fallen and my body ready for sleep, all except my mind that continues long after I lay down.
Playing a movie of happy times, a dream of the future, how it might be, how I’d like it to be. A smile spreads across my face as thoughts of next year brighten me up. Short moments in each day where I get to experience happiest and joy.
Weeks are painful, depressing, and annoying. I get through each day only because I have the weekend in sight and a movie each night of a future that will be happy and bright. If not for those two things, I’d surely be high or drunk each night, if not dead.
I don’t like to wish life away, it’s to short as it is, but I really can’t wait to be away from “him”, when we talked about him moving here with me this year he said “what can happen, either A) the end of the year will come and we’ll be back together and in love again, B) the end of the year comes and we move apart but remain good friends, or C) the end of the year comes and we move away from each other and hate each other and never talk again….I don’t see C) happening”
That is what he said then, and I agreed, however now that my mind is clear and I see the whole picture and don’t have a drug to numb me up, I really can’t see leaving this year, living together, any other way then option C, I already feel so much hate for him and I only maintain friendly communication because I have to live with him and don’t want more stress then I already have and I do feel a little guilty but the more I think about that the more I feel it’s not from guilt, it’s all just not wanting more stress so I play nice to get through this year and make the living arrangement better.
I so can’t wait to be away from him forever, I hate him.
and hate is a strong word that I couldn't tell you the last
time I felt it for someone like this, if I have ever.
so we had 5 days off from school. Monday we had class and no lab so I was done with school
by 3pm (class and homework). Today we had a test and no lab, so I am done with school for
the day, been home for an hour and had lunch and it's only 12:30!!!!
So this week is starting off nice. We start a new class tomorrow, today we took our last test
in Clinical Chemistry and tomorrow we start clinical immunology and serology, oh boy what
fun! This class will have only two test so I really need to make sure I get good grades on boy.
We get to do some testing in lab that seems like it will be a good chance to test myself and
do it for free LOL, for syphilis and HIV. Now I doubt I'd have syphilis I'd have symptoms and
I was already tested for HIV so I know I'm good there, but it'll be fun anyways. We are also
doing other test that look fun so I'll test myself and see, but I know they aren't things I have
like infections mono (dah) LOL but it's still fun to do.
so this next month doesn't look to hard, probably a break before the storm. We still have
Diaginotic mircbiology, and parasitology....along with lab management and blood banking.
At least we are slowly making way and the class work is almost over. I believe early March
the classes are done and then it's just routating through the labs.
August can't come fast enough!
So today I have nothing to do. I think I'll clean my room!