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[19 Jan 2011|03:04pm] |
Before I fall too fast
Kiss me quick
But make it last
So i can see how badly this will hurt me
When you say good bye
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[08 Jul 2010|12:14am] |
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Lucas: You ever look a picture of yourself, and see a stranger in the background?. It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other peoples life have we been in. Were we a part of someone's life when their dream came true or were we there when their dream died. Did we keep trying to get in? As if we were somehow destined to be there or did the shot take us by surprise. Just think, you could be a big part of someone elses life, and not even know it.
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[05 Jul 2010|04:23am] |
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I don't wanna run away, but I can't take it, I don't understand. If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am? Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
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[05 Jul 2010|04:22am] |
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If you're not the one, then why does my soul feel glad today?
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[18 Jun 2010|02:22am] |
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I'm with you.
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[18 Jun 2010|02:02am] |
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Who says you can't be free?
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[15 Jun 2010|12:45am] |
http://missmanored.tumblr.com DO IT!!
And Heather... get an account. Thanks.
So ya, totally hooked on tumblr now (THANKS A LOT SETH!) haha. But it's so much easier to update, and the community is actually ALIVE unlike this one. So it's pretty much bye bye blurty. :(
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[15 Jun 2010|12:20am] |
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From the moment I fell down that rabbit hole I’ve been told what I must do and who I must be. I’ve been shrunk, stretched, scratched and stuffed into a teapot. I’ve been accused of being Alice and not being Alice, but this is my dream. I’ll decide where it goes from here… I make the path.
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[03 Jun 2010|03:02am] |
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"She wasn't bitter. She was sad though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time."
The weirdest thing happened tonight... Ryan messaged me on facebook... it's been 3 years. I don't even know what to think. He told me that every time he drives by my old apartment he thinks of me... he told me he thinks we would have been good together, and that sometimes he wonders why we never were together... he told me he'll probably marry her.
I'm okay with that of course... but I know we would have been perfect together. He challenged me, he understood my sarcasm... we could talk on the phone for hours... there was rarely silence... but if there was, it was never uncomfortable. I didn't have the confidence to try to be with him...
I don't want a lack of confidence to ruin anything else in my life. I need to go visit Dave.
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| Same old story::Transitioning |
[09 May 2010|03:54pm] |
I feel like this blog is plagued with boy drama, whining and emolyrics. I have decided to transition to a more big girl blogging style... something where I actually learn and grow, and develop stronger opinions and ideas. In a sense I sort of feel like this blog has enabled me to stay this childish little girl deep down inside who just writes about drama... and I don't want to hide behind this any more. I am a smart girl, who needs to grow, expand my knowledge base, and form solid opinions on life.
I am not saying goodbye to blurty, I may stop in with a teenie bit of drama from time to time, I mean, I can't cut it out cold turkey! But my primary blog is now going to be...
http://missmanored.blogspot.com
So feel free to check it out, comment... love me!
Haha, anyways, to transitions, and growing...
Much Love.
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[05 May 2010|02:37pm] |
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I've lost 5lbs since I've been sick... Lol... Definitely not complaining.
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[05 May 2010|01:17am] |
I have no idea what to do! Argh! I just can't wait to get home, and for life to get back to normal, so I can crawl back out of this giant hole that I've dug for myself. I want to have money again! I literally have like $13 after all of this crap... And owe my mom $300... And owe my cellphone $400... Bleh. Plus I still need to order my dress for Allyss's wedding... Gah!!
I love my life, I love my life, I love my life... Lol. I'll keep saying it til I snap out of it!
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| Same old story::To Not To. |
[04 May 2010|09:17pm] |
I hate that my only form of Internet access for the most part, is and has been my iPhone. It's incredibly hard to blog with an iPhone, because even though I'm abnormally fast and efficient with the keyboard, it's still a fraction of the speed I can type at with a keyboard... so I can't keep up with my brain. I know a lot of what I think I want to say gets lost in translation... I'm like a really bad stenographer in the story of my life.
So I've been incredibly annoying to Dave lately. I know I have been. I can't pinpoint the exact day I started either... Cuz usually we can not talk for awhile, then talk like everything is okay... And it's no big deal. But lately I have this overwhelming urge to just always be talking to him, and I have no idea why. I mean a have an idea it has something to do with the fact that I had this huge epiphany... Like here is this amazing guy... And he's been right in front of me all along. When I say amazing, it's not just an exaggeration either. He's pretty much everything I've always wanted... He's smart, funny (he makes me laugh all the time), he's so stubborn and I think it's absolutely adorable, he has an amazing electric smile that's just contagious, he's handsome, he's the kind of guy that I could bring home to Dad (which is sooo important to me), he has his life together (I'm totally jealous of this), and he keeps me grounded, when I get worked up about something silly, he brings me right back down to earth. He's just that guy.
And here he has been, right infront of me this entire time... Asking me to come see him... And I've made so many empty promises that it just makes my heartache to think about. I've been putting him off for so long... That he's now given up on me. He says I'm tinkerbell or a unicorn to him... He's not sure I even exist now... And I'm not sure I can even blame him for that. I have to do better this summer. I know already that this summer is going to be filled with insanity what with Allyss & Zachs wedding, and Kate-Lynn moving home, and with having to recover financially and emotionally from this entire Tasha situation (which I'll totally have to write about when I'm at a computer) but I have to find a way to get there this summer... And if for some reason I am unable to... I need to let him go. This is cruel to both of us. So many nights I just want to be there wrapped up in his arms, I can't explain it, but I just know that I would be safe and warm there. Like if even for the night, the entire world would be gone, and it'd just be us... And we'd laugh... And he'd pick on me for something... And I would just love it.
I sound ridiculous I'm sure, but I want this more than anything I've wanted in a long long time. I owe to myself and him to try and make it work... But for now I also need to back off, cuz I'm sure I've been driving him nuts lately... Maybe I'll let him come to me.
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[02 May 2010|03:31pm] |
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I wonder if he remembers that he made a blurty account so that he could creep my entries? I wonder if he ever looks at it... I wonder if he thinks I'm a crazy conflicted retard girl... because of all the boy drama I post on here... and I wonder if he knows... that it's him. It always comes back to him.
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| Same old story::Thirty Stories |
[02 May 2010|03:22pm] |
I had a song done by a friends band a long time ago... and I lost it. And I decided today that I really don't want to forget the lyrics, so I'm going to put them here... hopefully I remember most of them.
Thirty Stories
Here it's thirty stories from where I'm standing now
Can't see the ground and
That's all the more reason for me
And I'm so far out of sight
Would you miss me if I jumped tonight
And left the world in spite to bleed?
Tired of my old dirty house,
painted starfish on the walls
threw up some mirrors to add depth
but everything still feels so small
All i see now, dirty day,
is my same old dirty place
hate my same old dirty clothes
wipe my same old dirty face
So I've been thinking for awhile
forgot the last time that I smiled
and if I get high enough
above the ground, yeah
you might remember why
dancing used to make us laugh,
the way I used to hold you near
if I could only get back there from here,
And well it's thirty stories from where I'm standing now,
Can't see the ground and,
thats all the more reason for me,
and I'm so far out of sight,
would you miss me if I jumped tonight
and left the world in spite to bleed?
I love this soooo much, I wish I could find the CD I had it on... I wish I still talked to him and he could get it for me. I asked him a few times, but he was usually moving or something at the time and had it all packed up. It's such a beautiful song.
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| Same old story::It's the way... |
[02 May 2010|11:57am] |
it's the way that right after we finish talking i call my best friend, so we can brainstorm new ways on how i am going to make you like me
it's the way you can make me laugh without even knowing i've been crying all night
it's the way i pretend to not want you when it's so fucking obvious
it's the way i knew i was going to fall for you the second i met you
it's the way i stay up all night thinking about you
it's the way my heart stops whenever i'm in the same room as you
it's the way i'm crushed when you don't make plans to hang out
it's the way i can never be mad at you for more than 5 minutes
it's the way you make me feel like a princess whenever we lock eyes, even for a second
it's the way i go crazy inside when i make you laugh. God i love how you laugh.
it's the way i never think i'm beautiful enough for you, not even close
it's the way i get jealous whenever she comes into the conversation
it's the way i wait for you to IM me, because my pride won't allow me to IM you and appear even the slightest bit desperate
it's the way your gorgeous brown eyes look at me, or used to
it's the way i pretend not to understand my math homework just so you could call me on a sunday night at 12 just because i love hearing your voice and i know you love beating me at something
it's the way that whenever i'm around other guys all i see is your face
it's the way i know that if you ever read this you will automatically know it's about you
it's the way you can make me stay up till 3 on a school night bc you want someone to talk to
it's the way whenever the thought of us together makes all my problems dissapear
it's the way i went weak in the knees those precious few times i saw you with your shirt off
it's the way i repeat and replay in my head every moment we share over and over again
it's the way that every song i listen to somehow corresponds to you
it's the way my dad hates all the other boys i hang out with except you
it's the way i will stay up till 4 just because you might get on
it's the way you smell, even when you swear you're not wearing cologne
it's the way you can render me completely helpless as i unwillingly fall head over heals for you, every single day, without havng a clue
it's the way i hate butterflies in my stomach, but when you give them to me they're alright
it's the way i anticipate the day you finally ask me...every waking moment of my life
it's the way we both know the truth but no one says anything
it's the way i try to impress you and come off as more of a idiot than i already am
it's the way i just want to punch you in your perfect face for always being able to say the right things at the exactly right time
it's they way you fall for all of my friends while i reluctantly am forced into the role of matchmaker as usual
it's the way i type into your box every day, a clumsy confession of feelings with a touch of lousy teenage poetry...just to dare myself to send it
it's the way you're the only person on my buddylist with his own buddy alert that moos whenever you sign on
it's the way i feel whenever i think about you with anyone other than me
it's the way i tell you something so desperately random and incoherent just so i can have an excuse to IM yuo and not make it seem like i have been sitting at my computer for the past 10 min wondering what you and her are talking about
it's the way we argue over the stupidest shit and get in pretend fights just because we can
it's the way i wake up and i don't know how, but i know you're going to be mine someday
it's the way my body went completely numb when we touched for the first time, come to think of it that was the only time.
it's the way i know you're eating *blank* and *blank* from behind my computer screen, and that your cat is sitting on the monitor...could she tell you that? i don't think so.
it's the way i hate going to the movies with you, because it's pure torture to sit next to you pretending to watch the movie while in reality i'm trying to remember how to breathe everytime our elbows touch on the armrest
it's the way i want you to be so happy so much that i slowly kill myself as i set you up with all of my friends
it's the way i know, even as i write this, i will never work up enough courage to give this to you
it's the way i can't stand cats but when you email me pictures of yours they're not so bad
it's the way you're an insensitive ass who hates my writing when you have no idea how tired i am of writing about you
it's the way you're so smart, yet so fucking oblivious
love isn't just butterflies damnit, it's the way i feel everytime i look into your eyes
yea, it's the way your hand fits perfectly into mine, that makes me think i am in love with you
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[29 Apr 2010|08:20am] |
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Blah, Kurtis emailed me today. I'm not sure Ive ever written about him in here... But why do ex's always insist on coming back to haunt you when you least expect it? So lame.
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[28 Apr 2010|10:55am] |
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This is the first day of my life, glad I didn't die before I met you.
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[28 Apr 2010|09:29am] |
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Why is it, that the one we love, and the one who loves us, are never the same.
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[27 Apr 2010|10:03am] |
I want to be your favourite hello and your hardest goodbye.
I am incredibly exhausted. I feel like I'm in some sort of timewarp. One moment everything is moving fast and then all of a sudden it's standing still. 3 more weeks until I can get out of here, and I can't wait.
I spent the weekend with Emily, it has been 8 years since we've seen eachother, and even tho so many things are different, everything still feels the same. Friday night we spent the evening at her Moms house, and I got the mom lecture about school and life, because Patty has always been like my second mom. Saturday morning Emily made me crepes with homemade apple filling at her Dads house.... Sooooo good. Then we went to her barn, she's riding a really gorgeous horse right now... So that was cool. Then we went to a keg party at Her friend Nelsons house, the people were all soooo nice. We spent the Sunday being complete bums, which was nice. And Monday, we hung out with Ashkan Trashkan, went over to Pattys house for a bit... It was lots of fun.
Going back next weekend for my birthday! Yaaaaay.
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