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Kaan

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[29 Sep 2004|05:49pm]
Oglum Kaan ne olacak senin bu halin? Evdeki hesap çarsiya uymadi. Kaldin pantalonun asagida donun ortada. O kadar toplumun dengesizlestirdigi bagimsiz olmaya çalisan vatanimin kizlari diye bas bas bagiriyodun onlardan bir farkin kalmadi. Nedir bu iyiliğe inanmayan her tasin altinda bir akrep ariyan paranoyak kafa yapisi? Umutlu sinik (iyilige inanmayan) günlerimiz geride kaliyo galiba. Bu istanbul denilen canavar seni mide asidiyle tanistirdi galiba. Yavas yavas ögütülüyorsun. Ama son bir planýn var dimi? İçindeki velet o saf çocuk hala gipirdasiyor dimi? Hala büyüyemedin öğrenemedim memleketin yerden bitme kurnaz tavuklarindan gizemli olmayi. Artisiyla eksisiyle kendini direk masaya koymamayı kalbini yakandan söküp cikartmayi. Çaktirmadan bakin ben bu hikayenin kahramaniyim ama o yapay mükemmelikte ki kahramanlardan degilim benim de hatalarim eksiklerim var hemde tonla. Demedinki ben o kadar derinimki size her ne kadar kendimden bahsetsemde sogan kabuðu gibi alttan yeni zarlar çikacaktir diye. Ben attaya gidiyorum. Projeksiyon yapipta bu adamin fizibilitesi bana uymuyor ben duygusal maddi çikar iliskisine dayali yatirim yaparsam bu insana, döndüsü olmaz demiyecekseniz. Benim hormonları olan bir erkek olduðumu kabul edip. Ani yasayamiyacaksiniz ben den uzak durmanizi tavsiye ederim.
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[28 Jul 2004|06:00pm]
President Josiah Bartlet:

Chapter and verse. I wanted to ask you a couple of questions while I have you here. I'm interested in selling my youngest daughter into slavery as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My Chief of Staff Leo McGarry insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town: touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you? One last thing: while you may be mistaking this for your monthly meeting of the Ignorant Tight-Ass Club, in this building, when the President stands, nobody sits.
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Al bu da türkçe. [28 Jul 2004|05:40pm]
Atatürkü putlaştırmaktan kurtulamadık. Milleti O ismi heryere kazıyarak bakın biz onun çizdiği yolda ilerliyoruz diyerekten uyutmalarına göz yumduk.

Herşeyden önce içinde bulunduğumuz kimlik krizinden kurtulmamız gerekiyor.

Hangi yöne doğru ilerliyeceğimize hala karar vermiş değiliz.

Bu bahsettiğim yön laik ve şeriat üstüne kurulu bir devlet olmak konusunda seçim yapmak değil.

Bu doğuyla batının kırma çocuğu olmaktan çıkıp kendi kimliğimizi din, dil, kültür, ve rejim olarak oluşturmamızdan geçiyor.

İnsanımızın en büyük zaafı tarihten ders almayı bilmiyo olmasıdır.

Osmanlı imparatorluğunun çökmesini sağlıyan en önemli sebeb zamanın gerisinde kalmış olmasıdır. Ulema sınıfının yobazlığının bu süper güçün kökünü kazımasıyla Osmanlı hasta adam olup yok olup gitmiştir.

Şu anki süper güç Amerika Osmanlının zamanında yaptığının aynısını yaparaktan bulunduğu noktaya gelmiş durumda. Onlan beyin göçünde yoğunlaşırken bizim atalarımız devşirmeleri alıp eğitmişler. Bürokrasinin osmanlı medeniyetinin temel taşlarını hanedanla alakası olmayan tarafsız en iyi eğitimlere sahip hiristiyan cocuklarına vermişler. Ne zaman duraklama ve gerileme devirlerinde padişahlar bu sistemi kaldırıp hanedan içindem yane kanından atama yapmaya başlamışki o zaman Osmanlının sonu görülmüş.

Osmanlı da federe devlet altında otonomik eyaletler üstüne kurulu bir devlet Amerikanın yapısı da aynı.


Malesef çoğunluğunun eğitimin, ilmin, dünyayı gezip görmenin başka kültürleri sentezlemenin ne olduğunu bilmeyen papağanlar gibi onlara ezberletilmiş dünyaların dışına çıkamıyan ve zamanında çarşafları türbanları bayrakları yapan bir zihniyetin uzantısı olan bir partinin yüzde 35 oyla tek parti iktidar olmasına izin verdik. Korkum şu an tam gaz bir şekilde bizi avrupa birliğine "sokmaya" çalışıyor olmaları. Pekala olmadı diyelim. Red edildik diyelim. Sizce önerecekleri alternatif ne olacak? Ben bunu merak ediyorum.

Devletin başında ki insan 12 sene önçe bir şiir okuduktan sonra Taliban kardeşlerilan edip sonra böyle bir sürede radikal bir değişime samimi bir şekile uğruyabiliyorsa ne mutlu bize. Tarihe baktığımız da Malcolm X gibi liderler de de bu türk radikal değişiklikleri gördük ama onlar samimi olduklarından yanlış olan mevcut düzene ve işleyen planlara ters düştüklerinden yaşatılmadılar. Ben bunun bizim şu an ki liderliğimiz için geçerli olduğuna inanmıyorum. Zaman yine her zaman olduğu gibi tek test.

Yolumuz hayırlı olsun. Şunu unutmayinki eğer devletim milletim dayatmalarına inanmıyorsanız kendinize olan göreviniz sevdiklerinize olan göreviniz her zaman niye diye sormayı bilmek ve koyunlar gibi gözünüz kapalı güdülmekten kurtulmanız olduğunu biliyorsanız. Bir vizyon sahibi olmanız. Kişisel hedef belirlemeniz ve o hedefi elde etmek yolunda ilerlemeniz. Bu kişisel hedefinizin çapı ne olursa olsun insanlığa yardım üstüne kurarsanız. Her birimiz art niyetli olmayan amaçlarımıza doğru yuvarlanan bir damla olarak bir araya geldiğimizde bizi tekrar insan gibi insan kılacak o çok güçlü uçsuz bucaksız denizi oluşturabiliriz.
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I apologize. [20 Jul 2004|03:19pm]
I apologize to the billions, trillions, and zillions of people out there for depriving them of the nook into my life. I also would like to take this opportunity to apologize for making my first come back entry a copy paste job.

Three months ago where I left off I was 30 pages into my comic book story/scenario. I am really proud of that little bastid. Its looking good. I know for a fact I will go through at least 30 drafts before I finalize it. I got another short film idea I am a few pages into it. Finally five I have written 5 pages for a more contemporary piece. It will be mostly dialog based.

Still waiting for the immigration process to be over with. The expected processing time for the whole schindig is 18 to 24 months. The cock muncher representative office in my home town (not really the home town, just a place for me to crash before I move on to bigger and better things) told me at the beginning it would take between 6 to 10 months. Its been a year. What a fucking suprise eh? Sometimes I forget where I am. I end up venturing into the la la land where everything works out smoothly.

I have met my platonic soul mate. At least thats what the first impressions are telling me. We shall see.

I need a new book to read. I finally finished Dune. It was an abrupt ending. Almost like Troy. I want to try out these Turkish writers. There is this gazillion page long sci-fi novel by a turkish author. Book is titled Metros. I don't see my self getting into it though. I am very intraverted at the moment. Almost to the point of being depressed. I dont want to do jack shit. I just want to sit in my room. All I want is to hear something from CIC. Any sign would be good. Be it an interview or them sending me my damned medical papers. I just want to move on with my life.

I am afraid. I am starting to beleive I am having my own personal groundhog day. I am procrastinating. I am just laying in the midst of my existence crying whining doing my best not to be happy with what I got. I seriously started to beleive the fact maybe, just maybe if I stopped being such whiny baby and actually finished my scripts or god forbid do something productive I will wake up into a brand new day.

At least Boomtown second season starts tonite. I am gonna go home doodle on the net as usual. Get me a cold drink and tune into Cnbc-e for a quality time with my fave show.
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Me! Me me me me! [20 Jul 2004|02:56pm]
Now take a deep breath.

If you can read (Not skim) through all this and do want to share your perspective on things feel free to contact me.

I am super salty!!

You know the real acidic way.

A Vagabond Narcissist with a message.

Wanna do the right thing but is plagued by the question:

The right thing according to who?

Not understood by many.

Content with being able to communicate with the few.

Hoping, "Time" will be a friend in my relation to the few.



BORN ON 12 25 1976.

BIRTHPLACE:

ANTIOCH

Antioch is frequently mentioned throughout both the Old and New Testaments, but most frequently in the Acts of the Apostles. St Nicholas, one of the original seven deacons, was a convert from Antioch (Acts 6:5). Christian refugees from Jerusalem fled to Antioch during the persecution of the Church which saw the martyrdom of St Stephen (Acts 9). It was in Antioch that the followers of Jesus were first called by the name "Christian" (Acts 11:26). With Antioch's excellent location and communications by land and sea, it was only natural that it serve as the base for the missionary journeys of St Paul and his companions (Acts 13:1). No other city played such an important part in the earliest beginnings of Gentile Christianity.

Antioch was the centre from which the Christian faith was propagated all over the world: "Now in the Church of Antioch there were prophets and teachers. While they were worshiping the Lord the Holy Spirit told them, "Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them." Then after fasting and praying they laid their hands on them and sent them off" (Acts 13:1-9). From Antioch, St Paul started his trips to Asia Minor and the Western world including Rome.

BLOOD TYPE:

0 RH - :

The least common blood type that can be given to anyone from any other blood group.

Raised in an nominally muslim household and 98 percent sunni Muslim country.

Observed a lot.

Went to the States.

Observed some more.

Decided to become agnostic.

Traveled to China and Azerbaijan.

Observed even more on top of all other observations until this point.


REALIZED:


Most of humanity wants the same thing:


MASLOWS HIEARCHY OF NEEDS:


Physiological Needs

Physiological needs are the very basic needs such as air, water, food, sleep, sex, etc. When these are not satisfied we may feel sickness, irritation, pain, discomfort, etc. These feelings motivate us to alleviate them as soon as possible to establish homeostasis. Once they are alleviated, we may think about other things.

Safety Needs

Safety needs have to do with establishing stability and consistency in a chaotic world. These needs are mostly psychological in nature. We need the security of a home and family. However, if a family is dysfunction, i.e., an abusive husband, the wife cannot move to the next level because she is constantly concerned for her safety. Love and belongingness have to wait until she is no longer cringing in fear. Many in our society cry out for law and order because they do not feel safe enough to go for a walk in their neighborhood. Many people, particularly those in the inner cities, unfortunately, are stuck at this level. In addition, safety needs sometimes motivate people to be religious. Religions comfort us with the promise of a safe secure place after we die and leave the insecurity of this world.


Love Needs

Love and belongingness are next on the ladder. Humans have a desire to belong to groups: clubs, work groups, religious groups, family, gangs, etc. We need to feel loved (non-sexual) by others, to be accepted by others. Performers appreciate applause. We need to be needed. Beer commercials, in addition to playing on sex, also often show how beer makes for camaraderie. When was the last time you saw a beer commercial with someone drinking beer alone?


Esteem Needs

There are two types of esteem needs. First is self-esteem which results from competence or mastery of a task. Second, there's the attention and recognition that comes from others. This is similar to the belongingness level, however, wanting admiration has to do with the need for power. People who have all of their lower needs satisfied, often drive very expensive cars because doing so raises their level of esteem. "Hey, look what I can afford-peon!"


Self-Actualization

The need for self-actualization is "the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming." People who have everything can maximize their potential. They can seek knowledge, peace, esthetic experiences, self-fulfillment, oneness with God, etc. It is usually middle-class to upper-class students who take up environmental causes, join the Peace Corps, go off to a monastery, etc.



Concluded that I am gonna help bring people from different cultures together to erode the artificial differences created by isms, religions, and all the other ideologies that serves to better the condition of one group over another.


Thank you for partaking in my social experiment.
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Still sheesh! [19 Mar 2004|10:49am]
I used to get a plastic bowl shaped detergent box and use it as an helmet. Get my moms lengthy and thin pasta roller and wait infront of our door for hours playing sentry.

Everybody in my family thought I was gonna become a soldier it being the family profession and all. Hell if I knew that US armed forces were training personel in Hungary with Kurdish and Turkish backgrounds in 2000 (Wov gee what a big suprise there whopping three years before the actual invasion) I would have probably been one of them. The extends we go to get that evasive green card eh?

But fate took me somewhere else. Now I am looking back and thinking to myself. I still do respect the concept of comraderie a lot. Soldiers are professionals they know what they are gettin into before they sign up.

Than I remembered the talks I had with my American friends back in the dorm days. I used to insult them all over the place cuz they kept sayin why should I go 8000 miles away from my country and fight for somebody elses purposes which I don't want to have anything to do with?

In those years I was getting ready to fight the rebels/insurgents/terrorists/seperatists in my country as an enlisted officer as a part of my mandatory service. Than I met books, people from different cultures and slowly the words of those Americans who I blamed with cowardice started to echo in my head. They started making sense.

What is so sacred about comraderie, esprit de corps when the war is not just?

Nothing.

Who decides if a war is just?

Neo-Aristocracy.

Who is Neo-Aristocracy?

Only people who won't die in a war.
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Still sheesh! [19 Mar 2004|10:49am]
I used to get a plastic bowl shaped detergent box and use it as an helmet. Get my moms lengthy and thin pasta roller and wait infront of our door for hours playing sentry.

Everybody in my family thought I was gonna become a soldier it being the family profession and all. Hell if I knew that US armed forces were training personel in Hungary with Kurdish and Turkish backgrounds in 2000 (Wov gee what a big suprise there whopping three years before the actual invasion) I would have probably been one of them. The extends we go to get that evasive green card eh?

But fate took me somewhere else. Now I am looking back and thinking to myself. I still do respect the concept of comraderie a lot. Soldiers are professionals they know what they are gettin into before they sign up.

Than I remembered the talks I had with my American friends back in the dorm days. I used to insult them all over the place cuz they kept sayin why should I go 8000 miles away from my country and fight for somebody elses purposes which I don't want to have anything to do with?

In those years I was getting ready to fight the rebels/insurgents/terrorists/seperatists in my country as an enlisted officer as a part of my mandatory service. Than I met books, people from different cultures and slowly the words of those Americans who I blamed with cowardice started to echo in my head. They started making sense.

What is so sacred about comraderie, esprit de corps when the war is not just?

Nothing.

Who decides if a war is just?

Neo-Aristocracy.

Who is Neo-Aristocracy?

Only people who won't die in a war.
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Not everything has to have a topic. Sheesh! [19 Mar 2004|10:01am]
Moody bitch.

I used to be amazed by a womans ability to go from frigid ice queen to the warmest person you have ever met in under 6 seconds. With all the crap going around in my life I am becoming more like one of those emotional Ferraris.

Just recently I've read an article in one of our news papers about the recent bombings in Spain. My country had its share of terrorism as a result of the polarization of the contemporary camps of the new paradigm.We lost close to 50.000 people in 14 years.Just recently 50 people died and close to a 1000 was wounded in 4 seperate bomb attacks. Orchestrated by our lovely neighbourhood terrorist organization El Qaida. Well at least some people claimed to be EL Qaida. I just love the skeptical in me. It always keeps me on my toes.

At the same time in Europe UEFA football (soccer for our friends from the %2 percent of the world) cup was happening at full force. UEFA made a declaration: "Istanbul is not safe because of the attacks". So they decided to move the games to a neutral more "Safe" stadium. It was the biggest victory those cock suckers (Terrorists) had won in my eyes.

The article I mentioned was about one of our sports clubs that played Valencia, a Spanish team. The vice president of our club made this declaration:

"We have suffered from terrorism for many years. We understand the pain suffered by the Spanish. Because of this will not ask UEFA to postpone the second round game. If there is no postponement decision by UEFA we will fly to Spain and play our game. As Turks we will be there to support and also join Spains fight against terrorism"

When I was done reading I felt the goosebumps. I was moved big time by the sentiments of my countrymen. It made me proud. Just 6 seconds before reading the article I was a grumpy little fuck. Who was ticked at the world for not making life easier for me. For testing my patience. Just under 6 seconds I went from a brooding bastard to someone with more positive out look because there still seemed to be hope for my people and the human species.

I guess we all have the potential to be an emotional Ferrari.
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State of being. [24 Feb 2004|12:51pm]
Well.

I told this girl who was fuggin with my head to buzz off.

They are evil I am tellin you.

Its sad how the reality of social-economics can take away from one persons ability to have a normal life for herself.

The consequent rise of cynicism, the cold calculations for mapping out the most selfishly beneficial paths to take in a relationship instead of letting the emotions, pure and untainted emotions take over.

Who am I to say anything.

Every day, minute, and second I breath the same air with them my dogged determination to not to adapt to this reality in order to survive is eroding.

I need to get out of this place.

Or there wont be much left of my nearly extinct humanity.
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I guess. [05 Feb 2004|11:53am]
Life is going too well for me?

Nothing to bitch about = Nothing to write about.

Baah.

No way.

I will be back.

Not that I am going anywhere.

It just that nothing really has taken my attention lately.

I am jaded.

Dunno why.

I will eventually snap out of it.

I lost my will to fatten up my scenario. I got the story down. The beginning, climax and the ending is there. I just need to fill in between parts so I can better portray the main characters and their relation to each other also to the people around them. Damn this must be an addiction. Now that I started typing I can't stop. I feel like I am in an episode of Seinfeld. Welcome to my journal about nothing. Other than that woman around me are still as fucked up as I have left them. Or even better we could say I am as fucked as I was when we last left off. So nothing seems to have changed.

On another note now I am sitting at my desk at work my co-worker a woman is hugging the hell out of an ex-co worker who also is a woman. They have known each other for only two months. They had the same ritual only 7 days ago. Is it just me, but it all seems so fake. No fake is not the word. Uhm... wasted. I would like to save my hugs and other affectionate behaviour for the right moments. So I would say on average I hug really tight and meaningfully about once or twice a year. I am not including blood kin to the numbers even though we don't hug the hell out of each other. Farthest I got with the colonel was a crisp salute.
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A good quote maybe? [09 Jan 2004|05:35pm]
I am reading the memoirs of a Turkish general who was in charge of the commando divisions who fought PKK terrorists/freedom fighter/insurgents between the years of 93 and 95 and successfully de-fanged them to end a civil war that lasted for 14 years with more than 40.000 casualties.

In the book there is a quote in Turkish. I am not exactly sure if its his or not. But I am gonna do my best to paraphrase and translate it since a verbatim translation would kill the meaning.

"An individual within a society is a component of a system. Sytem does not train leaders.The system wouldn't want errors and dislikes risk. Without risk there wont be any success and without errors there won't be any learning. By staying within the limits of the system one can only become its administrator. An administrator at its best would be a man of the system. An replica of its ways only interested in protecting what it has within its fold. Administrator loves the institution and is an mimic artist with a very narrow vision without any tolerance for radical ideas only interested in preserving the status quo"

Osman Pamukoglu
Ret. General
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A booty call and a reality check. [06 Jan 2004|11:45am]
She called me around 2:00 am on a friday night and asked me if I could come over. I was there in an hour.

We proceed to make out and she tells me:

"You know you are the fifth guy I called tonite"

At the time I did not care. I wanted to do her and get out. She was so mechanical about the whole thing there was no feeling not even lust. She practically just lay there all I got was couple of kisses. They werent even in the proper places.

I always wanted to be a sex object to a girl. I guess the idea sounded cool in my head.

I remembered the times I told my she friends "Whats the big deal? Its only sex. Whats this emotional attachment crap all about?". On that faithfull night I was given a once in a life time opportunity to see the whole intimacy issue from the female perspective. Her aloofness. Cold non caring, almost inhumane and blase take on intimacy made me open my eyes.

I could not perform.

Now I am a different person.
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I lived. [04 Dec 2003|05:07pm]
There is two kinds of players in the game of wanting to be wanted(Sometimes u can call this love, romance, or whatever u want to go by.)

The defensive players. They are usually on a quest to find happines and serenity. They play their game safe because their only objective is to not to let the other potential players and playettes hurt them as they try to maintain their relationships. They always take the necessary steps to make sure that the person that they are in a relationship with is not pulling one on them. Because defensive players can not be loners and love being with other folks almost all the time their attitudes towards comprimising to continue a relationship is a positive one.

The second type of players are the offensive ones who prefer to operate like a bee. Only interested in extracting the honey(Sex or other thrills from the relationship game aka the flower)from the flower and move on to a new honey provider. They usually are lot more aggresive then the defensive players. The principles they follow in the process to extract what they are addicted to consists of a very flexible approach. Cuz most of the time they are the exact opposite of the good guys who usually are willing let themselves be hurt knowing if they bend on their principles their cared ones will be effected adversely. Where as the offensive player eats, sleeps, and lives with lies. Content with extracting narcissist pleasures out of life without any concern regarding the colleteral damage it might cause in the process.

We all play the game to a degree. Offensive and the defensive players I mentioned above represent the radical ends of the games spectrum.

I was mostly in the middle of the spectrum in my 27 years. Sometimes tilting towards the one of the other end depending on the curve balls life kept throwing at me.

But now when I look back at what I have experienced I am realizing in order for me to be a full person(And a better story teller). I need to experience what true/pure love is all about.

I dont even know if it exists but I sure as hell am gonna look for it and try to live it to the fullest if I can get my hands on it.

Interestingly enough for the first time in my life I think I am falling for someone who also is falling for me. When I think of the pure love I want to have I do not want to think about any buts or ifs.

There should not be any conditions to it besides the attributes we look for in our ideal mate which helps us determine if we will be involved with this person or not at first place. But once u are past that stage, the idea of the playing the game defensively(Not even gonna mention the offensive) should not even be an issue. It is not a financial plan where you are trying to even out yer books hoping to show profit. All you have to do is be honest yourself about yer feelings and most importantly be honest to him or her.

Wanting to say the words but not being able to because you might end up getting hurt is almost like saying I want to put down the best movie complex human kind has ever seen right here right now but I want to build it without investing a dime. That sometimes bitter sometimes sweet hurting cause you love someone is a price I am willing to pay. Even if at the end what I had with her may vanish into oblivion after inflicting never before seen giga hurt of unquantifyable proportions on me.

P.S: Yes I have been hurt. Hurt really bad in the past.
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20 dead 303 wounded. [15 Nov 2003|09:45am]
And another bomb goes off.

Fear Mongers: 323

Humanity: 0

I am watching the news.

Its finally sinking in.

You have a father, a mother, and maybe brother/s or/and sister/s.

I do too.

You have a special someone.

I do too.

You want to be happy.

I want to be too.

I am agnostic but is says Muslim on my I.D.

You beleive in one god or another. Maybe you dont.

You few you know who you are its up to you and us to pull the carpet from under these hate mongers who toy with human life like its nothing.

So lets do our part and keep talking to each other.

Keep the communication lines open so you may find one close friend from a culture that is different then yours out of zillions you dont go beyond small talk with on the net. Try to understand them talk to them get to know them better.

Even that is more then enough for you to understand that we are no different no matter what piece of land we were born on.

Maybe I wont be able to live to see this but I know deep in my heart that as the world becomes smaller and smaller through internet and easier access to other cultures and information these coc.k suckers who herd the masses by giving them something to fear will be eradicated.
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Never say never. [14 Nov 2003|01:56pm]
Well I am black and white.

There is not a lot of grey areas in my life.

I either beleive in something or dont. I either do something or don't. I dont try to bend the situations and get them to conform so they are more to my liking.

I used to talk smack a lot. Like no way in hell I would do this or that.

But life is out there to humble me.

I never thought I would be interested in a long distance relationship especially with someone I have met from the net. I always have said that woulda never happen to me cuz I am not built that way.


I was wrong.

Maybe I am interested because we plan to see each other in 40 days.

Everything else being equal I want to fall for her. I am even ready to let it be a head over heels fall.
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I want to be pure again. [07 Nov 2003|12:33pm]
I want to go back to being that kid who always had a ball making robots out of mud in his backyard.

Untainted.

No jealousy, envy, lust, hate, and the whole spectrum of emotions that portray human greatness and weakness at the same time.

Relations and what a peculiar equation they are.

On guard!

One step two step. Forward Thrust. Riposte.

Always trying to anticipate your opponents next move.

Trying to outsmart her. Not letting your defenses down. Not wanting to be vulnerable, ever!

Guess what?

I am fucking done dueling.

So my weapon is down. Come and take me!

Because if you really do care you will know that I never intended to harm you.


Anyways its the holy month Ramadan and my countrymen are fasting.

I am not.

I will though.

I will fast from emotional/relational fencing.

I will be pure again.

So I can be yours.

Love me. Hurt me. Do as you please.

At the end I will be a better man because I loved and was loved.
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Day 10. [05 Nov 2003|09:20am]
If you are reading this please give me a sign.

I just need some closure.
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Can one song.......? [05 Nov 2003|09:16am]
[ music | Billy Joel. ]

Really epitomize what you really think about what the fuck is going on around you?

I guess so.

Here it goes:

LENINGRAD:

Artist(Band):Billy Joel
(Print the Lyrics)


Viktor was born in the spring of '44
And never saw his father anymore
A child of sacrifice, a child of war
Another son who never had a father after Leningrad

Went off to school and learned to serve the state
Followed the rules and drank his vodka straight
The only way to live was drown the hate
A Russian life was very sad
And such was life in Leningrad

I was born in '49
A cold war kid in McCarthy time
Stop 'em at the 38th Parallel
Blast those yellow reds to hell
And cold war kids were hard to kill
Under their desk in an air raid drill
Haven't they heard we won the war
What do they keep on fighting for?

Viktor was sent to some Red Army town
Served out his time, became a circus clown
The greatest happiness he'd ever found
Was making Russian children glad
And children lived in Leningrad

But children lived in Levittown
And hid in the shelters underground
Until the Soviets turned their ships around
And tore the Cuban missiles down
And in that bright October sun
We knew our childhood days were done
And I watched my friends go off to war
What do they keep on fighting for?

And so my child and I came to this place
To meet him eye to eye and face to face
He made my daughter laugh, then we embraced
We never knew what friends we had
Until we came to Leningrad

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My Testament. [29 Oct 2003|01:41pm]
My countrymen celebrated the 80th anniversary of the foundation of our(yet somehow I dont feel like I belong to it) Republic(Turkish).

A supposedly joyous occasion that turns my insides out in pain.

A testament to one of humanities biggest paradoxes.

An honorable and heroic journey of one man with an incredible will, vision, and determination.

One of the few historical figures I look up to.

To my knowledge only leader of a war torn country who can actually say these words about the fallen sons of his enemy who invaded his lands:

"... You, the mothers, who sent their sons from faraway countries, wipe away your tears, your sons are now lying in our bosom and are in peace. After having lost their lives on this land, they have become our sons as well."

80 years ago who has left my grandfather, his sons, and me with his vision.

A vision which this unbeaten field marshall, philosopher, leader and revolutionary with more human in him then most of us combined has trusted us with.

An unselfish vision with the only goal of bringing his nation to the level of the powerful nations of the world. So its people can have prosperous lives and return to its old glorious days.

And carry out his steps towards this vision in an non malicious way in which he was very aware of the fact that the educated of the world had no quarrels between them. Even when they had issues they could discuss their way out of it instead of exposing the world to the carnages called world wars that are the products of the few who has taken advantage of the easily manipulateble and artificially induced ignorance and hatred of the masses by using their neo-aristocratic tools such as religions, isms, and anything they can get their hands on to amplify the differences between civilizations of their time to gather supporters for their camps so they can give them something to fear.

In turn because of the fear of the masses of these great evils fabricated by the few in order to receive the power to become the protecters, the shepherds of their flocks and have the absolute power to end the lives of their own and the people they see as enemies when they please as they please just so they can realize their version of the greater good.

A leader like nostradamus who has succesfully predicted the future and told his people what to expect from the future and what not to. Yet shamefully because of my generations and the ignorance of generations before them we have not succesfully made head ways in achieving his unselfish goals. Instead we turned on each other and became corrupt.

But I will never loose hope. I am above isms. I beleive I am taking his words/vision one step further and instead of applying his vision to one nation I will try to share it with the rest of the humanity.

I promise this very day that I will continue gobbling up all the information I can get my hands on and not follow any dogma that tells me to hate someone just because their against the interests of the group I have been aligned with not by choice but by blood and place of birth.

Instead I will in my own way do my best to continue to try to foster understanding between persons who are followers of different creeds, religions and ethnic backgrounds in order to faciliate free transfer of information or any effort to help improve the objective non neo-colonist educational infrastucture of this mudball instead of hording the know how to have leverage against the 3rd world nations or the developing countries.

I will have this entry in my journal so I can always go back and look at it whenever I feel disheartened so I can clear my head and be strong in the long road I need to take in order to move towards realizing what someone I admire so much has started and continue walking this long road no matter what nay sayers throw in my path to deter me from getting closer to my version of Utopia.

Regards,

Kaan


P.S: I just wanted to share so there is witnesses that can call me on it.
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You know who you are. [28 Oct 2003|10:39am]
Feel my hand.
Brushing to the side of your face.
Moving aside your un-orthodoxness.
Your purple strands of individuality.
Only to come across a serene green ocean.
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