moonchild

2:00pm: searching for answers
I am on a community computer. It has been so long since I wrote in this journal. I just thought of something. I could type stuff out and upload it into here when I come in (if time permits). I had an insight...that maybe if I look through all my past journals, I can gain insight into how I am feeling now and when it all started. I can't type much now because I am on a mission to get a lot done in a short amount of time as usually I only get about a half hour on the computer/internet.

1:07am: going buggie with anger n worry
I know I don't write often in my journal. I was going to head to bed (I think). I'm just really REALLY upset right now. MY gf has gone to her friends house and was supposed to be back at 4pm. It is now just after 1a.m. I've called and left messages. I sent her a couple of text messages. She answered one of them at about 8pm saying that she is okay. She has done this a couple of times before. Not to this same extent but she has and every time I have gone out to look for her. I am debating on whether or not to do it this time. I don't know this area very well at all. I found her friends address and looked up directions on mapquest. I could probably figure it out but not sure about some of the turns etc. I don't think I would make it if I went right now anyway because I'm getting tired and I'm not a functional driver when I am too tired. I am thinking about what to do. Chances are she is drinking herself into oblivian and is not returning my phone calls, does not plan on coming home, and is pissed off that I keep calling to find out when she is coming home.

I am thinking about sleeping for an hour and then going to her friends house. Her friend lives over an hour away. Or, staying up until she either A. comes home or B. calls to tell me WTF is going on. It is completely rediculous that I have to lose sleep over something so stupid. I probably would have gone to bed over an hour ago but I was hoping she would show up by now. SHe knows I worry if I don't hear from her and if she was supposed to be home by a certain time. I think most people do worry if someone doesn't show up when they say they will (or at least within a reasonable amount of time). Lastly, I'm thinking of going to bed, keeping my phone by the bed and then driving out to her friends house in the morning after I feed and take the dogs outside. What I will probably do is set my alarm for very early in the morning and set out to find her when it is daylight outside. I think that would be the best idea since I have to be able to read the street signs to know where to go. I really hope she is not drinking and driving. That is what worries me the most. Like I said...how REDICULOUS!!!

11:03am: stupid feet
I usually don't put a heading on my journal entries right away because I'm usually not sure exactly what I am going to talk about. We went back to the military headquarters this last Friday and FINALLY got our job and date changed. I just hope my stupid feet are healed by then. I am slightly worried that they won't be since I just got my left foot done but now I have to wait a week to get the right one done and we leave at the beginning of June. I am really trying hard (I hate the word trying but it suites how things are right now) to keep from freaking out about my dwindling bank account, the chance that I won't be able to get a job before we leave due to my surgeries, and possibly not being able to run before I leave due to my feet having to heal. We are probably going to join a gym within the next couple of days. I won't be able to do any cardio. I'll probably just be working on my upper body strength (which is what i need to work on most anyway).

In the mean while, I have a reason to be a lazy bum.

12:51pm: I was going to do more today than just sit around playing on the computer and watching T.V. It isn't like I don't have things to do. I used to write in this journal a lot more often. These days it is very sparratic. I am leaving for the army. I think I mentioned that already. I used to be more confident of my decision. These days I'm just confused all the time. Some people say there are right reasons for doing things and then there are wrong reasons. The last 3 years I've felt that all my decisions thus far were made for the wrong reasons. From the car I bought to the jobs I've had. Even going back to school was a spurr of the moment decision. I didn't account for all the factors involved and I ended up having to leave. I don't regret it. What I do regret is doubting myself all the time. I'm even doubting this decision I've made to join the army. I have fears about it that I don't know how are going to work out. I joined for the money and to get out of debt. I wanted a way to start over with a "blank slate" without having to claim bankrupsy or work four jobs just to get ahead.

I felt like I was becoming more and more like my mother and I couldn't take it anymore. Every thing I did was becoming like her. My mother lives her life in fear and she doesn't want to face facts. She continues to look for the next BIG FAST way to make money and to get ahead. I just wanted this insane cycle of moving and drifting and not having any security other than some dreams that may or may not come true. In a way I feel relieved that I'll be entering into something stable, something whereby I can calculate the amount of money I will be making every month. I will know what my life entails for the next 3 years (except for the risk of being sent to Iraq). I'll feel even better when we get our job changed from being truck drivers to something less risky and more interesting. I'll probably end up being a mechanic. I haven't been interested in being a mechanic since I left high school. Maybe it will re-ignite something in me to show me what I'm really wanting to do with my life.

I feel like there once was a path that I was following with a defined end. however, now I've gotten so distracted from my inner self that I just cannot see any path at all. The things that used to interest me don't anymore. The things that I thought would interest me, don't. My relationship has gone dry and my social life equally as dry.

Most of the time I am filled with worry about what to do next or how to pay my bills. I canot stand worrying anymore. I thought joining the army would at least cease my worry long enough to hear my inner guide. I still feel this way. I'm just scared about being sent to Iraq as a truck driver. I cannot believe I chose that occupation. If I had been thinking at the time, I would have said no and chosen otherwise but now I'm in a huge mess and all I can do is pray for assistance from my higher power to get me out of it.

Mostly I'm worried about what will become of my gf and I. We have to pretend to not be together and we have to be EXTREMELY discrete about how we act around one another. It feels very unfair. I read that the Canadian Army supports same sex couples and even gives them benefits for one another.

Right now my most prominent worry is that I'll have to be off my feet for quite sometime after my foot surgery and therefore I will not be able to work for a while which REALLY sucks becuase the surgery is going to cost me and I'm living off my savings which are dwindling. Next week I have to have surgery on my foot which will put me out for about 3 weeks.

We are scheduled to leave in Mid April right now but we're working on getting another extension. I was thinking about how rough my life has been this morning.

I'm not throwing myself a pity party by any means. I was just thinking about how unconventional my life has been and how chaotic it has been since I was born. Perhaps divine order has something huge planned for me. I often feel like there is an unseen force that takes care of me where my parents have not. I've been very blessed in that all the situations I've been in that could have gone wrong, ended up being best for me or giving me a gift in some way shape or form. It is odd how life works. I thought I understood it all until something you don't plan comes up (like losing a job or too much debt) and then all bets are off.

I admire those greatly and often seek company of those who have their shit together. They know what they want, they are pursuing their dreams and passions and not living in regret of what they have not done.

I want to be one of those people. I don't like feeling lost and alone. My gf is greally good to me. She has been there for me for the past 3 years (almost) and she is easy to talk to...for the most part. Except that often times she sees things like a man. She has to have a logical answer for feelings. She doesn't like it when I emotional for no reason or when she doesn't understand the reason. This makes it hard sometimes to talk to her about things and feel as though she really understands.

She is more of the tough love type...she tells me to stop sobbing and figure out a solution. This is good sometimes. I need to hear that perspective because otherwise I just get caught up in the drama of my own emotional roller coaster. However, it is also nice when someone is just a listening ear.

I am watching Judging Amy while I write this entry so it may not make much sense as my mind is destracted.

I will end this right now and perhaps elaborate more later.

9:49am: ARMY BLUES
So here's whats going on in a nut shell:

I have to get to doing some work around here like cleaning my truck that I haven't cleaned in many months. Yuck. I just felt the need to write today.

I decided a few weeks ago to join the army. I wasn't intending to join. I think in the back of my mind somewhere I wanted to but I didn't know about it at the time. I went with my gf to the Navy recruiter and they didn't sound appealing. Mostly because you have to sign up for 4 years and we would definately be split up since there aren't many Navy bases. They didn't have any jobs I wanted anyway.

So then I told her "why don't you talk to an Army recruiter". She didn't think the Army had the job she wanted but she said she would go talk to them anyway. Come to find out that they have the most jobs and that she changed her mind about going into construction. Instead she wants to do mechanics. I am trying to make this as short as possible but its really hard for me to write short entries; especially since the whole thing is so fucked up right now.

Anyway, we went and took the test. We thought we would have time to choose what we wanted and that we would be told all our options but that wasn't the case. They told us we had to leave in 2 weeks (which would have been yesterday) and that we have to choose the same job to stay together in basic training etc.

Since I only had very little time to decide, I took the job they said we'd both qualify for which was truck driving. As it turns out they are in great need (hence the 27000 dollar bonus I got). I would have chosen mechanics over truck driving. So now we are trying yet to get another extension AND we still have the same lousy job. I commend truck drivers but I don't want to be one nor do I intend to be one when I get out of the army nor do I want to be blown up in Iraq from a road side bomb delivering supplies.

Yesterday was a disaster at the headquarters when we went to pick our new jobs and get an extension till May 24th. Neither of which happened. We now have an extention until April 11th but my gf doesn't graduate until May 23rd.

They really are like friggin Used car salesmen. I really had no idea how shady the whole process was until now. I think joining the army is great for the benefits. The main reason I joined was because they are going to pay back my student loans and offer me a bonus and I get free medical...and a sure paycheck. Everything else is bullshit as far as I'm concerned. I'm hanging in there because I've signed a contract that says I have to and I have no choice but since I'm so angry with the whole system and mostly the people running the system, I'm not so sure I'd sign that friggin contract again if it were in front of me.

I consider myself a smart person. I do make some dumb mistakes but I do think I am intelligent. However, how intelligent can you be after 20 hours of waiting to find out what is going on. On top of that they said my friend would not get in unless I hurried up and made a decision. I had no idea it would end up in such a mess.

I am glad we got somewhat of an extension but we need another one now and we need a different job. I prayed last night that it would all work out for the best.

I need to go now and make some phone calls and clean my truck. Believe it or not, that was the short version of what happened.

8:23am: career contemplations
Usually I stay in bed until my gf wakes up too but this morning my thoughts kept me awake and drew me to blurty to write them out. I just started thinking about getting my masters degree in business and entrepenurship. I went to Acupuncture school for one semester and found out that it was MUCH too intense in that I was not able to work and go to school at the same time (not enough to pay my bills/debt anyway). Not only that, my heart was not in it. Ever since high school I've wanted to be an alternative physician but when I finally got to go, I found that I was so destracted by my life and lack of personal accomplishements in other areas of my life and I went more out of fear of failure than out of desire. I guess that shows how much the power of intention has to do with things. It was a very costly mistake but at least I learned that you can't solve problems with a decoy or escape-goat. I went back to school the other day to take a friend to the acupuncture clinic for a sore arm. I got a very warm welcome. One of my friends there told me that the class all miss me. They asked me when I would be back. I told them I would probaby not be coming back. I don't want to jump into anything that involves that level of commitment on a spur of the moment decision like I did when I enrolled in the school of acupuncture.

I was sure that I was completely burned out of school and thats why I didn't enjoy myself or even put much effort into my studies. I also thought that perhaps because it had been a few years since I had completed my bachelors degree, that my ability to focus on my studies had vanished. What I really think is that I didn't want to continue knowing myself, my identity as a student. I had only ever known successs through accomplishing good grades and finishing courses and getting certificates. That could be one reason why between the time I graduated from UF to the time I enrolled in acupuncture school I attended Real Estate School and attained a Personal Training License (neither of which I was passionate about). I no longer think that I am burned out of school or I wouldn't be looking into attending a University for my Maseters Degree and then possibly even returning for my license in Acupuncture. I know I want to own my own business. I even think I want to own quite a few of them. I'm just not sure what the next step to accomplishing this is. I feel that my debt is scewing my thoughts and making me think I have to do jobs I hate in order to make enough money to "get by" and perhaps even pay off a bit of my debt. Whereas in reality I know that if you believe in something strong enough and if you believe in your abilities, anything is possible. I had a goal of getting the majority of my 40 thousand dollar debt paid down within a year. There is now 6 months left of that time and I haven't made a damn bit of progress. I would feel great if I could even get one of my 3 credit cards paid off. So because I don't know of a way to make 5000 dollars a month without working 4 jobs and practically killing myself in the midst of it all and I also don't want to let one of my best friends down by having to quit my part time babysitting job. I have yet to find an additional job to babysitting. I have some ideas of what to do, but nothing I am really following through with. None of it is appealing to me. I've always had a problem with pursuing something JUST for the sake of money or JUST to get by. I find that if I don't enjoy what I am doing and feel passionate about it, that I rarely stick with it which is one reason why I haven't just gone out and found ANY job that I can get. I think that because I am a graduate and worked my ass off in College and then Graduated with a Bachelors degree that I now owe aprox 17000 dollars for, I deserve a professional job. Maybe I have to get over that mentality. I don't know.

Here are some of the ideas I came up with:

- waitressing at night at a place where I can potentially learn to bartend and continuing to look for a professional job during the day and researching business opportunities, studying for my Real Estate License etc.
- finding a job teaching or being a teachers aid pt 3 days a week, working for Missy and Bob 2 days a wk, and also working at night 2 nights a week to make up the difference in pay I need for my bills.
- building up my natural home cleaning business Tues, Friday's, Saturday's and working wed,thurs for Missy and Bob. Not working nights at all.
- finding a night job (not waitressing) and babysit for Bob and Missy
- I'm sure there's another option but I either can't think of it or haven't thought of it yet.

Maybe what I should do is create a pro's and cons list for each one of my options and figure out how I really feel about each one and why I do or do not want to do it.

I need to to the bathroom now and I don't want to wake up the dogs. EEK.

7:11pm: I am sitting at a friend of a friends house, surfing channels on the T.V. I have not watched as much T.V as I have the past month. I don't have T.V. reception at my place so I guess I'm making up for it when there is T.V. I've been half heartedly looking for a second job that I really need to get a move on and get. I am considering waitressing but I decided I'm not interested in doing that full time. I'm feeling pretty bummed out about my life and my lack of ambition over the past couple of years. I'm just so overwhelmed with debt. Or at least I am thinking that is what my problem is. Who knows?! I just feel very ambiguous about the direction of my life these days. I used to have a clear direction of my life and now I don't even know what I will do from day to day. I'm not thrilled with the idea of working for an hourly wage and when I see what my friends have that are my age, I feel even more awful about my lack of accomplishments. Many of them own their own homes, they have careers, or are married with kids (not that I want that anyway but it just seems others are much MUCH more settled than me.)

3:45pm: a sudden change of plans...what to do?!
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....was my attempt a few moments ago. I am babysitting for a friend of mine 2 days a week. I thought I'd take a nap while the little guy is sleeping but I'm too upset to take a nap. I used to write when ever I got upset so I know this is my best therapy but since I've gotten out of the habit, I had to force myself to sign in here. I'm actually surprised I even remember my log in and password since I use this so infrequently.

Basically here's what I figure it all boils down to...

I found out my mom and her husband are coming to visit me. They were supposed to stay and show me a business they do up north but as it turns out they won't be staying for the full 6 to 8 weeks they said they would be. Instead, they will only be staying a week to 10 days. I wish I knew earlier than yesterday because now I may have to work the entire time they are here. If I stop working while they are here, I probably won't have enough money for the following month to pay my bills. I hate feeling helpless like this. I don't want another situation that happened when my grandfather died. I was so concerned about paying bills that I didn't make a trip to his funeral and I didn't visit him before hand like I intuitively thought I should all because I felt financially trapped. Now my mom says the doctor thinks there is a possibility that the cyst she has could be cancerous and she needs to go back at the end of January to find out if it is and do tests. I am angry at her for not taking care of that before she left. SHe has other health problems that she constantly avoids and puts off. I was looking forward to us exercising and her getting on the right track with her eating habits (hopefully).

And now, I'm just not sure what to do. If my mother has cancer, it could be minor or not. I really wish she wouldn't torment herself by putting off necessary treatments and me in that I worry so much about her already. She's so damn stubborn sometimes.

Well anyway, the baby woke up and is being good for now but probably not for long so I'll sign off.

9:35pm: I haven't written in here for quite a while. I keep meaning to log on and write a bit because I know it would probably help me sort out a WHOLE LOTA stuff but that thought doesn't last long because unless I have another reason to log on, I haven't gotten around to it. I just started a job not all that long ago that I haven't exactly been happy with. I was feeling like I was in some sort of dongion and had no way out. I was starting to have nightmares of being there forever even though I hadn't ever planned for my job to happen long term. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that that feeling of doom had let up. I was blessed to have finally gotten a shift change which is allowing me to pursue other avenue's which is great. I am afraid of getting overwhelmed but so far I am doing good at working through those fears. Right now my dilemma is when to go part time vs remaining full time at AOL. I am supposed to be meeting a woman that Karen works with who is going to give me some quotes for health insurance. I am going to do A heck-of-a lot-a-prayin between now and Monday that she will have something that is affordable for my girlfriend and I because right now I have full benefits with my company. However, once I go part time I lose the benefits which REALLY sucks!
I have a dream of opening my own health retreat/spa/healing center in the near future but to start off with, I am beginning small by selling suppliments and referring people to my business partner. I've recently been approached with another business which is VERY similar to the ones I've done selling long distance and local phone service. I know I'm not going to get mixed up in that because I know from experience that stuff isn't for me. Unfortunately, I am going to have to tell the people I know well that I am not interested. I would rather just focus on starting and finishing my real estate course, building my health consulting business, and getting my investment business going. I think that will be quite enough for me to handle in addition to working at the job I am working Full time and eventually part time.

My girlfriend and I are seriously thinking of buying a travel trailer for a temporary living situation until our finances will allow us to buy or build the house of our dreams. It feels like I don't have much going on these days but after reading all of this, it looks as though I do...it is just taking time to get it all in motion. I am very excited about it all though. WOoohooo. THough right now I just felt the need to get that all on "paper". I am going to call back a couple friends and then hopefully get tired enough to head for bed.

My prayers must be working. Smiles.

8:11am: I'm not being very consistent with my journal writing. I often think of writing in here but I just don't get around to it. I was kind of hoping that someone would respond to some of my entries from before that I entered in some communities. I haven't gotten an email so I don't think anyone did. I was attempting to access my journal without having to write anything but I don't know how to.

1:09am: HI I screwed up. Oops. I thought that the screen changed when it updated so now I have multiple entries of the same dang thing. ARRRG!

12:56am: decisions, decisions
again the same. I deleted it.

12:56am: decisions, decisions
I just posted a half a journal. I wanted to see the additional options so I posted the previous entry before finishing what I wanted to write. I don't know why but there is always some dilemma in my life going on. Right now its a career dilemma. I am not sure what to do about it. I figure I will post this journal for the public and perhaps I will be lucky enough to get an insightful response. Okay, here it goes... I recently graduated with a Bachelors degree in health and I have a job at a fitness club setting up programs for beginning and returning members. I just got a job offer for a job in a TOTALLY unrelated field taking calls in a call center. The fitness center doesn't pay me even remotely what I need to pay my bills or my debt but yet I feel so compelled to keep the job. I primarily work there for connections I make for a wellness business I want to start. Sadly, I am far from the "Poster image" of health which is what gets to me the most. In a way, I feel like a fraud. I have shared this with some of my friends and with some co workers I had at another job recently. THey didn't see the big deal. I am not obese so therefore they don't think it matters one way or the other if I walk my talk in terms of diet and exercise recommendations.

I could go on and on about that. I have to decide this week whether to give my two weeks at the fitness club or if I should try and find someone to take over my shifts while I am in training for the other job that I REALLY am not excited about but I will make a lot of money at.

I am usually pretty good about knowing what my next step is but right now I am drawing a blank.

12:54am: It has been so long since I've written in my online journal. If I recall, my last entry was september of last year. WOWSERS. I usually post my journals as private readings because one of my friends boyfriends found my journal and there happened to be stuff written about her in it. OOPS.

I really should be in bed instead of writing. BRB.

2:31pm: Wow, a half hour has passed already. I should go to the Gym and work out before my shift but I feel so groggy and have felt that way all day. It looks dreary outside and I feel kind of dreary inside. I have to look into ways of getting some more reliable income happening. My credit card bill is atroshous. Its never been so high. NEVER. And I need a car because I only have a motorcycle and I have found out within the short while that I have been driving it, that highway driving is not for me. I really like my motorcycle but I'd rather have a smaller one just for putzing around town and for dirt biking. At least I feel better now than I did when I woke up this morning. I had to go back to bed for a nap because I wasn't functioning well.

I don't want to face the problem I have with my head fog/groggy/spaciness that happens to me almost every day at different times but thats one of the reasons I am hesitant about getting a second job or even doing work on the side for day labor. Some days I have LOTS of energy but then when I eat something that I am knowingly or unknowingly sensitive to, I become really out of it. Soon though, I will have to just suck it up and go out and try doing another job or some sort of job that will let me work when I can or want to or something. WOrking part time where I am working now is sometimes even a challenge for me to last 4 to 6 hours. I don't know about adding another 6 to 8 hours onto that same day.

Maybe I am just a big wuss. This journal entry is quite negative but I probably wouldn't be writing if I didn't feel negative because I just need to get this heaviness to go away. There is almost always a heaviness I feel either emotionally or physically or both. I know I need to exert myself more and to have better self discipline but it all just seems too hard. Its too much work to do everything I should be doing and there's so much temptation to just do the opposite of what I ought to be doing.

I think I will go have some soup and put some cayanne pepper in it. Maybe that will help me think more clearly. I can spell words with the little flour alphabetes that aren't on my food plan. Oh, and I just watched a movie called Chocolate. Its all about temptation and self control. Neither of which I seem to be getting a handle on lately.

I thought this journal entry would be more about the girl I am seeing. Of course she is on my mind ALL THE TIME but more in the way of how things will turn out if I keep going down this dismal, self destructive road.

4:58pm: I just finished watching Oprah. She had weight loss miracles on today. I have been out of sorts all day. I am supposed to be moving out August 1st but I don't know if it is a good idea or not. I am having second thoughts now that I agreed to move out.

Today I feel like these tears have been itching to surface but haven't found their way out yet. I feel like there is so much to accomplish> with my food, with my health, with moving etc etc.

I am slowly figuring out why I have conviently kept myself single all of these years. A relationship, or even the feeling of being in a relationship really makes one look at themselves and do some super deep evaluation. For instance, there are some things I KNOW have to change if I want this relationship to work out. I have to get out of this mental rutt I have been in. I thought starting a new job would shock me out of it and to some extent it has, but for the most part I am still doing the same dumb ass things that makes makeing a life impossible. I don't know if any of that makes sense. Right now what I want to do is to go to bed and just sleep through the rest of this day.

10:37am: long time no write
I miss writing my thoughts, feelings, joys and frustrations. I was posting all of my journal entries as public but then after a mishap where one of my friends found me, I decided to make the ones that could be offensive or too personal, private. Sorry folks.
Anyway...I just moved in with my dad. At first I thought it would be a good idea because he seemed to have improved after not speaking with him for a year. What I unfortunately found out was that he is just a good actor. I hate to play all miss victum. In fact, when other people tell all their seeminly unresolvable problems, I get aggrivated. Maybe this is why I am choosing to tell it all to a computer. I don't know if that makes me less of a mayrtre or just as much so but right now I am so fucking pissed off and upset that I don't really CARE!
So...

I will probably make this journal entry public because maybe, just maybe, someone else has a similar situation and can relate.

As I was saying; I moved in with my dad a little over a month ago. At first it was okay. We were getting along pretty well (for the first 3 days) and then it was constant fight after fight. Since I started working, we haven't had as many mishaps because I am not here as much. However, if he and I are in the house together for any length of time, the chaos starts up again.

Here's the lastest: He doesn't ever read his mail and so this month and apparently for the last three months, his major bills such as phone, water and electrical have been late. Both the phone and the water have been cut off for lack of payment. He had asked me to read through his mail to see what was due and when because he knew the bills were past due. With my new job, I work pretty crazy hours. Sometimes I have to get up at 3am but then other times if I work at night, I am not tired until 1 or 2am. My dad is like a little kid, he is VERY needy. He won't let me alone. Sometimes I think he is just lonely and wants to talk to someone so the only way he knows how to get that attention is to harrass me. Then other times I think he just wants someone to blame for his mistakes (i.e, not paying his bills), so he blames me for not reading his mail. Yah, how entirely FUCKED UP is that ??!!!!!

This morning I ended up paying his phone bill. I put it on my credit card just so that the phone would be turned back on.

I consider myself a very loving, kind, helpful, compassionate person but for some reason when it comes to helping him, I do what I can not to in most cases. SOmetimes I am just too physically and/or mentally exhausted from what is going on in my life to deal with his insanity. Then there are the times when I am willing and able to help but its never good enough..I am being too dumb, too slow, too inattentive etc etc.

These blasts of almost unbearable outbursts from him are constant. Usually they are pretty low key and so I can more or less brush off his harsh words. However, sometimes I feel like if I don't get out of here, my mind will explode. Or, I might just revert to his childishness (which on occassion I have done) and just completely ignore him.

My job has not yet become intense enough that all of this outside fatherly garbage has overly interfered. However, soon I will have WAY more responsibility (starting in July) and will need to focus on work even while I am at home. I fear that I will let my company down just because I cannot focus due to MR. NAG-meandogdad.
I have been looking for ways to move out but since I decided upon coming to live with my dad, I have let my guard down financially and thus now do not have the means to get out. I still want to be there for him and help him out when need be (with yard work and hauling stuff), but I definately cannot live with him much longer.

One other such example was yesterday...I got home after work and had only 3 or 3 and a half hours of sleep before that. Immediately he was on my case about paying his water bill because it had been cut off. I told him I was exhausted and needed to rest. So then after his friend leaves, he ends up TELLING me to drive him to pay the water bill. Apparently he had been drinking and was not able to drive himself.

I am convinced that he has never matured beyond the age of 15. Its teenagers who usually do not have the level of competancy to keep up a home, pay bills, look after children, hold down a job etc etc. Well, my dad is far beyond the age of 15. I think he is 15 yr old stuck in a 50 some odd year old body.

K, I think I am done venting for now. My fingers need a rest. I am glad I got all of that out.

10:33am: Hopefully this is still working. I have not written in here for a while. Maybe I should do a test run first before I go and write a friggin book.

10:13pm: musterings
You know...

It is not until one REALLY tries that they realize how blinkin hard it is to change ones habits. Before I was like a smoker (only my issue is with food), who knows I need to quit but not really wanting to give it up and not doing much in the way of giving “it” up. I am still in the "not wanting to give it up mode". The good thing is, I am in the "will to live mode" which means pretty darn soon I had better kick into "Hell YA, I am gonna Kick this SUCKER mode!" I feel an increasing need to be in excellent shape before starting work at the YMCA. I have actually meditated for six days in a row and done Yoga for two. That is an accomplishment in itself. I have figured out that my inner reality barometer is on the blink. Actually, I think it has been on the blink since I was born. I have been finding it difficult to “turn on the light switch”. The light better turn on before the end of time comes because I need to shape up in more ways than one. I am on a big…self ass kicking spiel right now. I am not so sure why. Perhaps it is because I have set out a goal of sticking to a certain “diet” for a week: no refined sugar, no flour, 3 meals a day and no meat (for a short while) but low and behold, have I been able to accomplish this easy task?

HELL NO!!! Sugar calls my name at least once a day. Oh, but I made up for it yesterday…
I made myself a celery, carrot juice. Uh yah L. Don’t get me wrong, the veggie juice was a step in the right direction and it tasted good too, but making one veggie juice is not a compensation for not following my “diet”.

It is nearing the end of the semester. This is where I just want to say "fuck it"(R-rated comment). But I know that would totally demolish what I have accomplished so far which I term as …getting by. Unfortunately, I have not been doing well in a few of my classes. I have not had the "school spirit" it takes to be an honor student since I went back to school. Actually, I have not had the drive for school since I moved to Gainesville the first time. I like school. I just don't like studying or doing homework. I like attending the classes and learning but when it comes to evaluations. ICK! No worries though, I am still hanging in.

Last weekend was Celebration of Spirit (a psychic fair) at the Seraphim Center (my church). That was an ordeal. I put up eight pieces of my art work for sale and met a really cool girl from 2 hours north of Spokane Washington. That was a definite gift from God. She said she would hook me up with some people in Washington when I move up there. I want to go up there sometime this summer to check it out. I check my email every day hoping to hear from her but she has not replied yet. She is cute, and I am definitely interested in her but I am moving and so that puts a damper on things. It might be self torture to get to know someone like her before I head off to Deltona and then to Spokane..eventually. I still want to get to know her. She kind of reminds me of Angelina Jolie only more feminine and much sweeter.
After all this intensely negative toned stuff, I feel the need to say something cheerful>>>>>>

HAVE A NICE DAY!!
There, that’s a cheerful cliché for yah.

Oh, and my friend the head cold says HI (He’s my current companion, No sarcasm intended) and so does Izzy, the lizard I found staring at me in my bathroom yesterday morning. He has been hanging out in my trailer for the last few days but yesterday he made me late for school so I grounded him…literally. LoL. I threw him out the door and he landed on the ground. I told him to stay on the window in my bedroom but he did not listen. I guess he got bored with my bedroom attire. Those darn lizards don’t listen worth a damn!!!

Music, sweet music. I am listening to LIVE on my CD player. I think I owe much of my sometimes occurring sanity to my music. That was a definite off in left field remark. I guess that just goes to show how random my thoughts are right now. Maybe I ought to go do something productive like clean my office. Nah. It looks weird to have my bedroom dresser, office desk and computer desk set up in my living room. I put them there so it is easier for people to come and look at them. I sold my guitar. One item down, five more to go.

I am really going now. Maybe in addition to my cleansing food program, I ought to have a “shut me mouth” program so that I don’t contaminate your computer screen.

Seriously though, I am fine. I am just venting…something I feel we all must do now and again. I think that perhaps because I don’t vocalize my musterings, I prefer to write them down.

Sneezers!

Bye for now,

Candice

9:46pm: It is just about 10p.m. I was tired earlier after I got done eating dinner. But now I am not tired when I need to be tired. I should probably read over my notes for an exam I have tomorrow but I don't feel like it. I would like to get up early tomorrow and study. I am in an ancy mood. I don't feel I can focus enough to study but yet I am totally awake. Usually the problem is that I am totally sleepy or light headed but that doesnt seem to be the case. It is more like pure defiance. I haven't studied much. Perhaps I just feel overwhelmed by all the info I am supposed to know. It is like a stupid practical joke only its not a joke. EEEK!!!

I decided to do a week of prefasting starting today which means only vegetables and maybe fruits for a week and then the master clense routine. I was going to just go hard core fasting without prefasting but I Think that is why it never works...because I know subconsciously and consciously that I am taking the easy way out instead of doing the prep work. A person cannot be expected to run a marathon without training first. It is like I have been trying to run a fastathon without doing the necessary preliminary steps. I have been listening to an audiotape set on fasting I checked out of the library. The other thing I did not do before attempting a fast is meditate everyday like I need to in order to be centered and strong.

If I am serious about doing this (which I am), I need to do the work involved to ensure a higher chance of success. After all, its not like I just want to do a 1 to 3 day fast. I want to do a 21 to 30 day fast.

If I don't want to study, I should be researching. It is like as soon as dark befalls me, I don't feel like doing any work at all which is why I ought to get up at the crack of dawn just to get the stuff I need to get done, done.

I think I will go see if my friend is online. Woooohoo, how antiproductive.

9:13pm: I just got off the phone with the friend who lent me his car to go out to Seminole for some interviews I had. I drove it to work and back today and yesterday. I called him to ask him how he thought I would get home if I dropped off his car given that I would not have anyone to drop me off at home. He told me I could take the bus or a cab. So I said I would go drop off his car right now and make my way home if it meant so much to him. He sounded VERY upset that I had driven his car other than to my appointments and back. He didn't seem to be concenred how much I drove it when I was in Seminole but all of a sudden it is a HUGE deal for me to drive to work and back.

For some reason it really upset me. I started to cry because I thought I had done something wrong. Actually, all day today I have been in a rollercoaster mood. He tried to make it seem like he was just joking around about being upset that I am still driving his car but I knew he was not joking. He just did not want to admit to it. I don't like to piss people off when they are being generous and have offered me a means to accomplish something I could not do otherwise.

I am totally on an all out binge-user/abuser rade tonight...First I ate half the pie of my birthday pie that my boss gave me after I was already full from Taco Bell. I knew pretty much that I would be stuffed after doing that. I went into it pretty much knowing how I would feel after i was done pigging out but I did it anyway. I think I actually had the binge planned since this morning when I was nibbling at the pie. It was "calling me" all day. No more pie's for me. Uh, yah, just like no more: chips, junior mints, peppermint patties,taco bell, binging, purging, etc etc.

I saw the struggle my dad is going through. I felt like our situations are pretty parallel except that the money he owes is much moreso than what I owe.

He is all about health suppliments, health concepts etc etc but yet he is unable and/or unwilling to alter his behaviors to match what he believes to be proper and good and self nourishing. Now I know where I get all of my obsessive/compulsive behavior, stubbornness etc etc staring back at me. It was painful for me to see him in such a lowly condition when I know there is another way out that he is not seemingly willing to look at.

The fact that I binged today tells me the big defense system I have constructed in order to not look at things in full form. I will acknowledge it all but instead of allowing the whole experince to penetrate my body, mind, and soul. It is like a person who every time they buy a product, they only take half and hide the other half somewhere where it would easily be overlooked.

I feel like God, and divine timing wants me to move much faster than I am willing to. I would not say I am not able to but sometimes the fact that I don't pull through on a few things hints that I am not capable and then I in turn start to believe it is all just a story, a made up sequence of events like that of a sequence of movies. And meanwhile all of truth is sitting somewhere on the sidelines along with that of the camera.

I keep wishing that when I go to bed, the next day I will wake up brand new. My body will feel at peace all over, and I will glide through life instead of mixedly push through it.
I better quit now before I get totally out of it. INcoHerenT would be more consise.

7:58am: spring break
I have not written in my blurty journal for a while so I figure before I "run" off to school, I better write.

I wonder how I am going to drag my ass out of bed tomorrow morning at 5 if I had such problems getting myself out of bed at 7am.

I have a pretty big day today. I have double periods for my classes and then I have to go to acupuncture. Yeehaw.

I felt pretty rough yesterday. I was freaking out about my stomach probs. I have to get another job here shortly but I still have not called about it. I suppose I am wishing, praying, hoping that some unforseen force will come down and fix me NOW. If I did not have this eating disorder and stomach bluckies, I would be so busy and social and so forth. Maybe having this is a way of keeping myself in check. I know it has stopped me from doing some pretty dumb things. However, it has also stopped me from enjoying life.

I think one of my friends is mad at me. He did not respond to my email which is very unlike him. What a pattern I have of pushing away anyone that wants to merge their lives with mine.

As of tomorrow it is spring break. Today is my last day of classes. I was kind of concerned I would be bored out of my mind but it turns out I probably won't be. I have registered for the CPR certification for saturday and then Sunday I head out to my dad's from SUn to Tues cause I have to be back for work on Tuesday. That actually suites me fine cause I have issues about being away from home for too long. I get anxiety.

I hope my friend is still going to lend me his car. IF he is mad, I hope he is not too mad. I could always rent a car but after writing up my bills, I don't think that would be an especially good idea.

I have to get going off to exercise physiology so I can learn all about what my body would be doing if I were to exercise (which I rarely do).

9:14am: thoughts on whats going on...or not going on
I wrote in here last night a pretty lengthy email. I made that one a private entry but I think I will make this one public.

I like the fact that I get to choose from three options(public, private, or bisexual). hehe. fun

Today is going to be a big day so I have to get started on tasks around my home ASAP.

THe past few days I have felt totally crappy. I have not been sick~~persae~~.

I have just been eating foods I shouldn't be eating because they make me into a grouchy, stuffy, lethargic, pathetic thing.

Now that I am done with that speal...

I thought today would be the first day of my 30 day fast but seeing as how I already snacked a bit, I am not so sure that will be the case. Perhaps, I shall see how the rest of my day goes with food.

I did not expect most of this entry to be about food. Actually, what I thought I would write about is my thoughts on finding an internship and gettin with it in terms of my health.

But now I don't feel like writing anymore so I guess I will just go do the other things I need to do (like dishes, phone Avon, call around about the internship, and maybe do some journal writing I am supposed to do for one of my classes that I am FAR behind in.

That reminds me, I need to print some pages off my teachers web site.

10:48pm: I still have yet to figure out how to get into my journals without updating all the time. I must be a slow learner when it comes to certain things.

6:08pm: I finally figured out how to do this thang. I wanted to make some or all of my journal entries private. But this one I will not make private.

In case anyone links to me and reads this journal entry...

If you live in Spokane, Washington and are interested in being friends with a girl moving up there, post a comment and I will get back to you.