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6th December 2003

3:55pm: it's been a while....
it's snowing. a lot....
i was with emmanuel yesturday. i love him...
i got in trouble, mom told me specifically that i could not go to emmanuels yesturday do to the F on my report card, which she didn't see until a week or so after i got it. :sighs: what are ye' gonna do??

eh, lost the OOMPH needed to update.......
maybe later...

x allison

22nd November 2003

4:28pm: well well well. it's been a while...
quick update... My sister had her baby on november 5th. she was supposed to go in to get induced but she ended up having him naturally. ^_^ he's beautiful. the most precious, amazing little thing i've ever seen. All is well with the baby and rest of the family...
Aside from my silly emo moments i've been generally happy for a long time, thanks to emmanuel... Everything seemed so perfect with him. I was happy, and HE was the only one who could make me that way. I'm so in love with him. He's everything to me.....
Well the other day, out of no where, he decides to break up with me. I really thought he had to be kidding.. I didn't think it was possible that he could be serious. well 10 minutes after he dumped me he said he couldn't do what he wanted to do and he loves me and can't be without me.. That leaves me VERY confused.. and crying like a little bitch. i wanted to fucking die. I kept asking him where we stood, you know, toghether or not.. and he just said he had to think.. well he thought for almost 3 hours, barely talking to me, except for a few 'sorry this is taking so long's or 'sorry i'm thinking'.... and finally we said our i love you's and went to sleep. i, of course, cried myself to sleep and hugged his sweatshirt, it still smells like him.....
the next day in school i tried to keep my cool {pardon the rhyme} but then nick kept asking me what was wrong.. finally i just cracked, starting crying and blah blah, lots of people felt bad for me as a stuttered out my sob-story. i hate that feeling.. PITY.
also, i got stuck on kerri's volleyball team and we were playing against fat preppy jew whore. lucky me......
after gym, i saw emmanuel as usual.. and i thought i was gonna break down again, but i got myself together, and talked to him a bit before 2nd period. he kind of acted as if everything was normal. i gave him a bigggg hug and left.... it wasn't until before 6th period that i really talked to him. i asked him if he'd 'thought' about it.. and he said yes, i want to be with you....
i'm still confused though. don't really know what's going on. we're together... but things just don't feel the same. too much tension.. but he's still mine.......

how can i sleep when i've ran out of dreams? i'm hopeless now. how can i think when my mind's gone blank and my hearts stopped beating for good now...?

4th November 2003

9:00pm: today was cool. i went to emmanuels after school; nobody was home. ::wink wink:: and thenn..guy came and got us and we went to nick's house. it was me, e, nick, guy, rickie and larry. oi. fun. larry and nick were just 'jammin' for a while. haha. it was niice. mad skillzz in that joint.. emmanuel took over the drums too. ooo, he made a perdy song for meeee. haha. yeahh, then we all .. minus larry.. walked to drug fair and family dollar. nick got his six top ramen for a dollar. worddd up. yeahh. that was fun. we alll packed into my mom's car. that was rough. i think i touched nicks penis when i was piling into the car. x_x i stole nick's hat and emmanuel's sweatshirt. emmanuel's sweatshirt smells like him =] i'll probably fall asleep with it like i did with his other sweatshirt..... this journal is quite pointless. sure, i can tell you about my lovely life.. but i never would put any of my deep dark secrets and how i'm really feeling in here. i'm afraid somebody i know will read this shit. oh boy. i guess that's what these are for right? well.. this journal will be for my boring life.. and then i'll have to get a real journal for my deep dark secrets and feelings. that works.....
when i die. people can read that shit and...realize how pathetic i truly was.

okay i'm done.
fatally yours x
Current Mood: bootylicious
Current Music: anti-flag_tearing everyone down

2nd November 2003

12:30pm: hmm. sorry about that last entry. i know nobody actually read it.. but if you did. EMO moment. that's all. x_x i talked to emmanuel later that night and we got in this stupid arguement about it. within an hour we were telling each other how much we loved each other and couldn't see ourselves apart... this happens a lot. never that bad though. ::sighs::
i love him with alllllll my heart. he's my everything. without him well...i have nothing to live for.. i know i shouldn't put so much faith into one person but he's all i have.

i had fun yesturday. haven't had fun in a long time. hmm. i went to emmanuels house and guy and rickie were there. i missed emmanuel so muchhh. before yesturday i hadn't seen him since.... wednesday. too damn long.... well.. we just walked around as usual. on the way back to his house we stopped at quick check cause guy wanted ciggarettes. some crazy guy got them for him and gave us his whole life story. we stood there and talked to him for like an hour. though, he did most of the talking. aw man, it was great. this guy was hysterical. he was hitting on emmanuel. and he liked rickie's big huge cast. hah. he was pretty fucking cool though.
i think i'm going to emmanuels house today. yay. but i won't be able to stay all that long cause my father's a fucking whore. i don't even live with him and he still feels the need to control me. @$(@#* i know he's still my father but when it's 'his' weekend i can barely even talk to my mom. but when it's 'her' time, he doesn't care. he thinks he can come pick me up any time he wants. he CAN't. he'll give this whole speech about me going to see him and i'll have to drop any plans i happen to have. and then he finds something to do all of a sudden it's no big deal that i go there and he doesn't want to stop me from doing anything... fuck him. i'm so sick of going by HIS schedule.
oi oi oiii. i hope i go to emmanuel's today. he'll make me feel better i know.
welll.. i wasn't planning on writing yet another sob-story but my words ran away from me there.

x_ allison
Current Mood: okay
Current Music: AFI_days of the phoenix

31st October 2003

6:59pm: why is it that no matter how many people are around me, i always feel so alone? i'm sick of it. what happened to happiness? it's long gone. whenever i think i've finally found friends, they always forget to care...
everyone forgets to care about me.
i'm sick of it. i just want to be loved, and needed, and wanted. nobody wants me. why would they? little fucking 'gothic, emo, suicidal girl can't handle being alone' it's true. i CAN'T handle being alone. i always need to have someone. it's sad and pathetic how vulnerable i am to love.....

speaking of love....why do all these little things make me feel like my heart is breaking all over again? it's pathetic. i let every little fucking thing get the best of me. my insides are so fucking weak...if emmanuel doesn't call me soon, i'll go fucking crazy. hm, maybe it's a little too late for that. why do i always wish that he'd care more? i'm so selfish sometimes. sometimes nothing is ever enough to please me. nothing is ever enough to make me happy, that's for sure...

i'm sorry emmanuel, i love you with all my heart. not that you'll ever read this. i promise one day everything will be okay.........???
maybe now I'M the one making promises i know i can't keep..


fatally yours_x
sappy, pathetic little me.

30th October 2003

5:27pm: badasses unite.
october 30_ mischief night. allison is sitting home doing nothing. :sobs:

::sigh:: suspended today and tomorrow. emmanuel was suspended today too. x_x me mommy was pretty upset with me. had to vacuum and shit today... she said that on monday she was coming to school with me and taking me to all my classes just to see that i get there on time =\ eep. i hope she's just saying that to be intimidating. emmanuel knows, my mom can be very intimidating...mhm

my love's been grounded. cause he's *badass* i've been mucho sexually frustrated. ehem. i want him badly.

perhaps my friends will decide to like me tomorrow and invite me to go mooch off old people for candy ??

the anniversary rock my mittens. <3
daysi rocks my gerbil mittens for making me listen to them.
Current Mood: naughty
Current Music: the anniversary; all things ordinary

25th October 2003

8:12pm: bored like whoah
Hi there you non-exsisting journal readers.
It's saturday night; 7:58. I'm home doing nothing. What a surprise. I've been talking to DaYsi all night cause she's my boredom friend. I hate people who have friends. I hate people who have lives. Perhaps it's jealousy??
My sisters and my mom have been talking all night about huge shits and bleeding assholes. These are the things I have to listen to......
well well sister is due on the 27. i'm gonna have a little nephew. i'm so excited. she's huge. that baby will be popping out any day now.
i'm so bored, it's disgusting...i've spent every fucking weekend lying around, listening to music. hm, welcome to my life. Sitting in my room, listening to music, all byyy myself. mhm. i need me some friends. Friends that'll actually hang out with me...ooh, that'd be the life. I also need Emmanuel to call me......The only thing that'll make me smile right about now...
Well, i'd love to continue my little sob story but... i'm not.
fatally yours;
x Allison
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: my chemical romance; headfirst for halos

24th October 2003

8:58pm: this is me;
hey there. if there's actually any people reading this that i don't know's a pretty boring quiz about.. me. how exciting. if anybody feels like being my frrriend, comment. please comment, make me feel loved.
thank you.

fatally yours;

W H O . A R E . U . .
[love is]: amazing, deceitful...pain.
[I’m afraid of] : being alone - rejection --- feet. =\

. . H A V E . Y O U. E V E R . .
[pictured your crush naked?] : probably...
[actually saw your crush naked] : no.
[been in love] : i think so..
[cried when someone died] : .. yes
[lied] : NO!

. . W I T H. T H E O P P O S I T E. S E X. .
[what do u notice first?] : eyes, smile
[last person u slow danced with] : wow.. uhh.. MAGGOT!
[worst question to ask] : um... ''what's the worst question to ask?''

. . W H O. .
[makes u laugh the most?] : hmm. emmanuel
[makes u smile] : emmanuel =]
[give u a funny feeling when u see them] : funny feeling?
[who do you have a crush on?] : nobody.
[who has a crush on u?] : nobody.
[is easiest to talk to?] : fluffy..

. . W H I C H . I S . B E T T E R . .
[coke or pepsi] : .. sprite
[flowers or candy] : hmm. chocolate roses. ?
[tall or short] : short.

. . D O . Y O U . E V E R . .
[sit on the internet all day waiting for someone to IM you?] : not really
[cried because of someone saying something to you] : perhaps.

. . W H O . W A S. T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N ..
[you talked to on the phone] : emmanuel
[hugged] : emmanuel
[you laughed with] : emmanuel..

. . D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U . .
[smoke cigarettes] : occaisionally
[obsessive]: depends
[could you live without the computer?] : yeah
[whats ur favorite food?] : cheese
[drink alcohol?] : yeah
[like watching the sunrises or sunset?] : both
[what hurts the most? Physical pain or emotional pain?] : emotional
[trust others way too easily?] : sometimes x_x

. . F A V O R I T E . .
[ Drink ] : sprite
[ Color ] : black, purple.
[ Album ] : hmm. a lot.
[ Shoes ] : black cons even though they're falling apart.
[ Candy ] : nutrageous snickers
[ Animal ] : monkeys sea monsters
[ TV Show ] : friends. nip/tuck.
[ Movie ] : Empire Records. Anything ADam Sandler or Chris Farley. Resident Evil. House of a thousand corpses. Urban Legends. SEven. The Ring. THE CRAFT.
[ Dance ] : um.. the hokey pokey.
[ Song ] : a lot
[ Vegetable ] : brocilli. asparagusss

. . A R E .Y O U . .
[ Understanding ] : yeah
[ Open-minded ] : yes
[ Arrogant ] : eh.
[ Insecure ] : mm
[ Interesting ] : doubt it.
[ Random ] : yess.
[ Friendly ] : most of the time.
[ Smart ] : i could be.. i guess.
[ Moody ] : yess.
[ Childish ] : hmm.
[ Independent ] : i try.....
[ Hard working ] : i TRY.
[ Organized ] : eh
[ Healthy ] : i guess..
[ Emotionally Stable ] : no.
[ Shy ] : sometimes.
[ Difficult ] : yes.
[ Attractive ] : no
[ Bored Easily ] : yess.
[ Messy ] : hmm..
[ Thirsty ] : yeah.
[ Responsible ] : depends.
[ Angry ] : sometimes
[ Sad ] : ehh..
[ Happy ] : sometimes
[ Hyper ] : sometimes
[ Trusting ] : yes
[ Talkative ] : depends

. . W H O .d O .Y O U .W A N T .t O . .
[ Kill ] : hmmm. x_x
[ Slap ] : heheh
[ Get Really Wasted With ] : i dont care. bring on the alcohol.
[ Get High With ] : err..
[ Look Like ] : me ?
[ Talk To Offline ] : anybody who feels like listening?
[ Talk To Online ] : uhh. whoever's on?

. . N U M B E R S . .
[of times i have had my heart broken? ] : a few...
[of hearts i have broken?] : hmm..
[of boys i have kissed?] : ladeedahh
[of girls i have kissed?] : none.
[of tight friends?] : hm. 2? urrrgh.
[of cd's that i own?] : donno. never counted.
[of things in my past that i regret?] : too many =x

I KNOW : nothing
I WANT : you
I HAVE : a headache
I WISH : you'd shut up.
I HATE : close minded people
I MISS : being happy
I FEAR : me.
I HEAR : music...Brand New
I WONDER : what's in a wonder ball
I REGRET : a lot of things...
I TRUST : a small number of people.
I LOVE : you.
I ACHE : in my brain.
I CARE : about my dog.
I ALWAYS : go insane.
I AM NOT : cool.
I DANCE : when no ones watching.
I SING : when no ones listening.
I CRY : alone.
I DO NOT ALWAYS : smile.
I FIGHT : when i need too..
I WRITE : when i need to escape reality.
I WIN : you lose.
I LOSE : no, I WIN.
I CONFUSE : everyone.
I LISTEN : .. to music..
I CAN USUALLY BE FOUND : sitting in my room.
I NEED : to get a grip.
I AM HAPPY : when im with my lovelyyy.
I THINK : about sex.
I TEND TO : scare people.
I TEND NOT TO : shut up
THIS TEST: is over.
Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: Nirvana; Rape Me

12th October 2003

7:08pm: new username
hello all.
all being... me. aww, how pathetic. hmm...if i ever happen to tell anyone this username, well this is it. enticing isn't it?

i might actually update this journal. i know, you're just boiling with excitement.

i'm done for now;
allison x
Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: HIM-this fortress of tears
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