| 10:25am 14/05/2004 | |||
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wow.. i dont post here. the end. |
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| (kill me) |
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| everything | |||
| 10:25am 28/08/2003 | |||
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all right. so heres the various deals. upon returning from csssa, where i lived and interacted as male coming back home is like being beaten back into the closet of gender. worse than that.. i've been thinking about stupid, irresponsible things.. in the way of transitioning and i know that im a time bomb ticking. everything along the lines of my gender is complicated and difficult and just.. made worse because my mom could give two shits about what i need. and im realizing that the longer i live as male, and the more people who know me exclusively as male.. the more at risk i am as i delay transition. but my mom just sees it as, she has legal control over me, and isnt comfortable so fuck me. essentially. as far as school. i have a workload that is too mush to handle. and i have to, or i wont graduate. period. my school schedual thank god involves primarily art and non-homework classes. (pe, drama, photo, ta) but then M-Th I have adult school three hours a night. and thats just insane, inane, and assinine. but theres nothing that i can do about it. the worst part of it all is, that i had a workload that was somewhat the same.. actually it became my entire life down at csssa, but it was art, and it was beautiful, and there was no bull-shit about needing to know things that had nothing to do with what i cared about. and now im back at American where i have to endure a year of people telling me that what i think is wrong, and that i havent lived up to my potential because i dont want to go to a four year school, and that im some sort of fucking failure because art is the only thing acedemically that i care about and its just frustrating as all fuck. i miss meghan like i miss my penis. im coping.. but.. i miss her. there really arent words that i can put down here yet.. you know. it just hurts to know that shes gone. i miss my roomates too. its still strange to wake up alone. and thats it. that is why my stress/bad factor is up at overheating. |
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| (1 stab wound | kill me) |
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| 03:45pm 08/07/2003 | ||||
sky blue gets darker when you're around. and i helped you rhyme. stretching trying to find anyones feet to grant me a little bit of stability. i remember what sold me on this pipe dream, on the rationalization that i could express myself thourgh cliches. maybe i can make them my own?? [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] dont rying to write all abstract like. im hoping that maybe i can get insightful like i used to be known to do but its harder and harder when harsh realizations are all thats left anymore. i dont like the fact that im turing intoa closet homophobe. i dont like the fact that i do things that i've always despised for the sake of being read as a man. i hate that im bold enough to take steps that are risky without really evaluating those risks, but not enough to be comfortable at home where the worst that can happen is a couple of verbal fights. [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] thinking about john mayer vs. jason mraz. i need new johm music to sustain me. but he still winds.. hands down. [][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][] i can talk the talk of loving her selflessly but i cant seem to do it. no matter how hard i try, and i do try hard. i just can seem to feel through and through me that "i cant be her angel now, you know its not my place to hold her down" i want to create beautiful music. the kind that feels like i just broke a little chunk of my soul off and threw it up while i was singing. i mean.. i've done it before. but i want, need, to be able to do it more. i need to get that out of me. talking to freddie last night about just being wiser about life than our 'newer' counterparts. and learning from people, and destiny and fate and all that cal. maybe my lesson to the world is to just trust yourself. but if thats all that i have to teach.. why dont i feel like i know it? maybe my lesson is to practice what i preach? what if meghan has taught me everything that shes going to? what if she just disappears off to baltimore. i say this.. but i know that this wont happen. when do i go from learning what it means to love somebody selflessly. to acting. and to BELIEVING it? |
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| (2 stab wounds | kill me) |
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contemplative| not that anyone is going to read this though... | |||
| 06:21pm 01/07/2003 | |||
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CURRENTS current clothes // white a-frames, blue pants current hair // curly, untames current mood // happy, sleepy, contemplative, lonely, brave current music // none current taste // dark chocolte covered cranberry aftertaste current smell // my deoderant current annoyance // needing to pee, the ache in my neck and gulliver current thing I ought to be doing // working on my gender workbook current desktop // white chucks and cuffed jeans, in black and white current favorite band // hmmm.. JEW i should have to say.. though i love my John current book // A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess current CD in CD player // JEW, TBS, and the Spetember CD current color of toenails // they are see through. some parts are white. current worry // so then what was january? Current Crush // meghan.. who else? LAST PERSON you touched // dan you talked to // tyrone you hugged // dan you instant messaged // austin you yelled at // myself. who broke your heart // meghan FAVORITE person // amar food // chinese (american style) drink // raspberry iced tea.. and good ol coffee. color // blue shoes // my blue chucks (though i might get some bright blue ones.) candy // dark chocolate.. i really dont like candy though.. animal // baby animals. tv show // will and grace, friends, last comic standing dance // does jumping around with my guitar count? song // Sittin' On the Dock of The Bay -- Otis Redding vegetable // tofu?? no, ummm carrots maybe romaine lettuce fruit // peach, raspberry ARE YOU understanding // as much as possible open-minded // definately arrogant // i have my lapses insecure // extremely interesting// i dont personally think so hungry // not usually friendly // i try to be smart // i like to think so moody // yeah childish // sometimes.. its good to be independent // yeah organized // sppppffft. healthy // getting there shy // sometimes difficult // i can definately be that attractive // i like to think so bored easily // i have ADHD.. no not really though sometime it seems like it messy // yeah thirsty // always responsible // usually obsessive // systematically angry // repressed sad // dont want to be happy // sometimes trusting // gaurded ill // mentally.. no just kidding talkative // with the right lewdies original // id like to think so different // not really unique // well theres no veck exaclty like me ignored // not really content // no a thinker // yeah sleepy // always lonely // yeah WHO DO YOU WANT TO kill // seriously nobody... sometimes... kiss // meghan hug // meghan. hook up // myself shake // austin, jenn, siobhan be like // caleb. talk to offline // lal, rachel, meghan, ben, shadi.. a couple'a other vecks too. |
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| (kill me) |
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| 09:35pm 25/06/2003 | |||
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hello amariar. missing you muchly, thinkiing about going to vegas after megs leaves for baltimore. talk to me, call me saturady or soemthing.. |
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| (kill me) |
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| 07:58pm 17/06/2003 | |||
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hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i really dont need to have a fourth journal, but i figure a guys gotta have a safe place to vent right????? |
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| (kill me) |
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| cxavierrun | ||
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