10:25am 14/05/2004
i dont post here.
the end.

(kill me)

10:25am 28/08/2003
  all right. so heres the various deals.

upon returning from csssa, where i lived and interacted as male coming back home is like being beaten back into the closet of gender. worse than that.. i've been thinking about stupid, irresponsible things.. in the way of transitioning and i know that im a time bomb ticking. everything along the lines of my gender is complicated and difficult and just.. made worse because my mom could give two shits about what i need. and im realizing that the longer i live as male, and the more people who know me exclusively as male.. the more at risk i am as i delay transition. but my mom just sees it as, she has legal control over me, and isnt comfortable so fuck me. essentially.

as far as school. i have a workload that is too mush to handle. and i have to, or i wont graduate. period. my school schedual thank god involves primarily art and non-homework classes. (pe, drama, photo, ta) but then M-Th I have adult school three hours a night. and thats just insane, inane, and assinine. but theres nothing that i can do about it. the worst part of it all is, that i had a workload that was somewhat the same.. actually it became my entire life down at csssa, but it was art, and it was beautiful, and there was no bull-shit about needing to know things that had nothing to do with what i cared about. and now im back at American where i have to endure a year of people telling me that what i think is wrong, and that i havent lived up to my potential because i dont want to go to a four year school, and that im some sort of fucking failure because art is the only thing acedemically that i care about and its just frustrating as all fuck.

i miss meghan like i miss my penis. im coping.. but.. i miss her. there really arent words that i can put down here yet.. you know. it just hurts to know that shes gone.

i miss my roomates too. its still strange to wake up alone.

and thats it. that is why my stress/bad factor is up at overheating.

(1 stab wound | kill me)

03:45pm 08/07/2003
mood: contemplative
music: John Mayer: Neon v 2.0
hard to find things to say when listeing to music. when listening to ones own heart. my heart never beats very loudly but at night it screams me into cold sweats. upright at four o clock. and i live an upright existence until about 4 oclock and a third.

sky blue gets darker when you're around. and i helped you rhyme.

stretching trying to find anyones feet to grant me a little bit of stability. i remember what sold me on this pipe dream, on the rationalization that i could express myself thourgh cliches. maybe i can make them my own??


dont rying to write all abstract like. im hoping that maybe i can get insightful like i used to be known to do but its harder and harder when harsh realizations are all thats left anymore. i dont like the fact that im turing intoa closet homophobe. i dont like the fact that i do things that i've always despised for the sake of being read as a man. i hate that im bold enough to take steps that are risky without really evaluating those risks, but not enough to be comfortable at home where the worst that can happen is a couple of verbal fights.


thinking about john mayer vs. jason mraz.

i need new johm music to sustain me. but he still winds.. hands down.


i can talk the talk of loving her selflessly but i cant seem to do it. no matter how hard i try, and i do try hard. i just can seem to feel through and through me that

"i cant be her angel now, you know its not my place to hold her down"

i want to create beautiful music. the kind that feels like i just broke a little chunk of my soul off and threw it up while i was singing. i mean.. i've done it before. but i want, need, to be able to do it more. i need to get that out of me.

talking to freddie last night about just being wiser about life than our 'newer' counterparts. and learning from people, and destiny and fate and all that cal. maybe my lesson to the world is to just trust yourself. but if thats all that i have to teach.. why dont i feel like i know it? maybe my lesson is to practice what i preach? what if meghan has taught me everything that shes going to? what if she just disappears off to baltimore. i say this.. but i know that this wont happen.

when do i go from learning what it means to love somebody selflessly. to acting. and to BELIEVING it?

(2 stab wounds | kill me)

not that anyone is going to read this though...   
06:21pm 01/07/2003
current clothes // white a-frames, blue pants
current hair // curly, untames
current mood // happy, sleepy, contemplative, lonely, brave
current music // none
current taste // dark chocolte covered cranberry aftertaste
current smell // my deoderant
current annoyance // needing to pee, the ache in my neck and gulliver
current thing I ought to be doing // working on my gender workbook
current desktop // white chucks and cuffed jeans, in black and white
current favorite band // hmmm.. JEW i should have to say.. though i love my John
current book // A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
current CD in CD player // JEW, TBS, and the Spetember CD
current color of toenails // they are see through. some parts are white.
current worry // so then what was january?
Current Crush // meghan.. who else?

you touched // dan
you talked to // tyrone
you hugged // dan
you instant messaged // austin
you yelled at // myself.
who broke your heart // meghan

person // amar
food // chinese (american style)
drink // raspberry iced tea.. and good ol coffee.
color // blue
shoes // my blue chucks (though i might get some bright blue ones.)
candy // dark chocolate.. i really dont like candy though..
animal // baby animals.
tv show // will and grace, friends, last comic standing
dance // does jumping around with my guitar count?
song // Sittin' On the Dock of The Bay -- Otis Redding
vegetable // tofu?? no, ummm carrots maybe romaine lettuce
fruit // peach, raspberry

understanding // as much as possible
open-minded // definately
arrogant // i have my lapses
insecure // extremely
interesting// i dont personally think so
hungry // not usually
friendly // i try to be
smart // i like to think so
moody // yeah
childish // sometimes.. its good to be
independent // yeah
organized // sppppffft.
healthy // getting there
shy // sometimes
difficult // i can definately be that
attractive // i like to think so
bored easily // i have ADHD.. no not really though sometime it seems like it
messy // yeah
thirsty // always
responsible // usually
obsessive // systematically
angry // repressed
sad // dont want to be
happy // sometimes
trusting // gaurded
ill // mentally.. no just kidding
talkative // with the right lewdies
original // id like to think so
different // not really
unique // well theres no veck exaclty like me
ignored // not really
content // no
a thinker // yeah
sleepy // always
lonely // yeah

kill // seriously nobody... sometimes...
kiss // meghan
hug // meghan.
hook up // myself
shake // austin, jenn, siobhan
be like // caleb.
talk to offline // lal, rachel, meghan, ben, shadi.. a couple'a other vecks too.

(kill me)

09:35pm 25/06/2003
  hello amariar. missing you muchly, thinkiing about going to vegas after megs leaves for baltimore.
talk to me, call me saturady or soemthing..

(kill me)

07:58pm 17/06/2003

i really dont need to have a fourth journal, but i figure a guys gotta have a safe place to vent right?????

(kill me)