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mood |
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music |
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B97 Kidd Kraddick in the morning |
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So I kinda dropped this thing and totally forgot about it, but now that I work a job that I do nothing but sit in a cubical and process insurance claims all day, I need something to help me maintain my sanity.
I hate my job. Well.....let me explain, the job itself isn't bad, it's boring, but not horrible...it's the PEOPLE you have to deal with while working here. Ya know the movie office space? yeah it's like that. where you just want to BURN THE BUILDING DOWN. A lot of the time I feel that I work with kindergarteners who want to do nothing but be nosy and tattle on everyone. They gossip worse than the women on The View. I swear, try being here for a day. Don't ask WHERE I work, because now that i've said my true feelings on the business, I won't tell you. I need the money this damn job provides and I dont' feel like getting fired for insubordination because the wrong person somehow came across this.
I recently decided to go back to counselling, I'm tired of not being able to live normally and act like everyone else...so let me explain, I have a severe anxiety disorder along with a touch of what I think is OCD. The thing about the anxiety part is that it rules your life...well for me it does anyway...if something happens that bothers me such as, for example, an argument with my fiance...I will make it worse while trying to rid the situation....if he's mad at me I can't just walk away and let him be mad and calm down, I will follow him around trying to rationalize everything, I will sit there and talk to him trying to get him to get over it but all I"m doing really is making it worse, and I KNOW the action makes it worse, ALTHOUGH I can't get away from doing it....something in me totally voids my rational side and I dwell, freak, pace, cry, and altogether feel like I'm going to die while this is happening. I hate it. I can't stand it, but for some reason I can't control it. It's like my "that's crazy" filter shuts off and I'm acting on complete impulse.
My anger issues are something I need to address as well. When I get really frustrated I can feel this 'wave' of rage pushing up through my throat, I can control it but not fully, when this happens I want to fight, I want to physically beat the hell out of someone or something and if I don't concentrate on controlling it, I will and I have. Sometimes all that will have to happen is someone to say the wrong thing to me or look at me wrong or just annoy me.
The problem with all of this IS: I have no one to really talk to, I mean REALLY talk to, my fiance isn't really into listening and 'being there for me' he really doesn't know how and it kills me most days, but his patience makes up for it for the most part. My best friend lives over 1000 miles away, literally across the nation. Another problem is that I live in a notoriously small town, which means the medical personnell and shrinks alike are, lets say, not the top of the barrell and no one can seem to agree (when I actually WAS going to counselling) what's wrong with me, I have heard that I have a general anxiety disorder, manic depressive, bipolar, etc etc. I just want one answer as to what is wrong with me. AND I finally want to ACTUALLY address my quirks that I associate with OCD. There are certain things that I do that drive myself crazy and dont' make sense to me but I HAVE to do them or I will have an anxiety attack. But the kicker about that is that it bothers me that I have to do these things, it causes a slight rush of anxiety as well, but not as bad as it would be if I didn't do these actions.
Here, I'll list a few of them just to show how ridiculous they really are and yes I KNOW they are without anyone telling me:
1) Food, some foods I am picky about. Such as: I cannot buy creamcheese in foil packaging because I will only use it once, after it's opened, even if it's perfectly sealed and put back in the fridge I cannot bring myself to eat it. Can't do it. I throw it away, doesn't matter if it's within the same hour.
2) I will check to make sure the door is either locked/unlocked (whichever it needs to be) at least 5 times before going to bed, and even then I will get up a few more times to make sure because I'll sit there and stew over it and doubt whether or not I did it and I'll be getting pissed off at myself for having to get out of bed to do this because I know I should sleep because I work at 6AM every morning, the days I go in at 5am are worse, for some reason I have more rituals to do that keep me up later when I KNOW I need rest.
3) I drive Josh nuts with this one: I'll check my alarm clock anywhere from 10-50 (not being dramatic, I really do check it that much) times to make sure it's set right, a few times I've fallen asleep still checking it because I"m convinced I never set it right and I get frantic thinking about what would happen if I didn't get up on time.
4) If somehow I do manage to oversleep, I freak out, that's an instant anxiety attack, it will be hard for me to breathe, my heart will be racing and i'll be running around the house frustrated trying to get dressed and get out the door. Sometimes I will overload myself so much with the stress of it that I stand there just frozen because I don't know what I should do first because I feel like I have so much to do to get out the door.
5) Phone calls from numbers I don't know. I constantly feel like my fiance is out to hurt me, now he did cheat on me once in a drunken blur, but this happened before that incident as well. I can't control my thoughts, I will get something in my head and it will get spun around so much and changed that by the time I'm trying to get rid of it and rationalize it's too late and I'm sputtering things at him that really piss him off and in ways, yeah, he has a right to get pissed. I have a lot of issues and he's been pretty patient with me.
6) If I try to call josh or text him and he doesn't answer me, I freak out. My mind shuts down the filter that I mentioned earlier and I start to have an anxiety attack, I automatically think something is wrong, I think he's mad at me, I think he's out with someone he doesnt' want me to know about, I think he's punishing me. and I'll either bog him with messages or call repeatedly and then when I finally get ahold of him and everythings fine I either piss him off with my questions or I feel totally down on myself or over-reacting. I over-react a lot.
Those are just a few of my quirks that drive me mental on a daily basis. Hey, maybe I should just bring in this journal entry to my first appointment to break the ice......better than trying to explain it out load.
Anyway, that's pretty much the update, I have been living in a condemned apartment building trying to get it approved again, and other than that all I really do is take care of my step son when we have him and working. What a life worth living.......no, no, it's really not worth it.
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