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is there hope? [29 Oct 2009|01:07pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

my self injury started at the young tender age of 10. i had no idea that the things i was doing to my body back then even had a name or a reason or an underlying cause. i just knew that i had to do it -- because if i didn't things just weren't right. i started out pulling my hair out or banging my head against a wall or purposely throwing myself off the back porch.. things like that and everybody assumed i was just acting out.. and that was fine with me. at this point my injuring didn't draw in much attention so it was one thing i HAD that was MINE that nobody could TAKE from me EVER and it made me HAPPY to hurt it made me SMILE to bleed. eventually around the age of twelve i fell in love with sharp edges and glass and lighters and the smell of burnt skin. this was my escape. i found it. there was nothing better for me and this was my calling. this was ME. the scars covered my imperfect body. hell, they even masked my imperfect mind. and i had everything i ever needed now. by the time i was in highschool i had to withdraw because people started asking questions. a lot of the people i hung around were going through the same things -- these weren't the kids from the nice neighborhood across the street that i hung out with... these were the lost souls from the trailer park.. the ones that wandered the streets until bed time because home was a pain they knew too well already. it all progressed and eventually i was injuring everyday sometimes 3 or 4 times a day just to get through twenty four hours of bliss. well... that's what it was at the time. i started running out of places that people couldn't see.. not easily anyhow. the skin there now is scarred and tough like leather but i like that cause YOU CAN'T HURT ME ANY WORSE THEN I HAVE ALREADY HURT MYSELF. NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL PARADISE, THIS IS IT. but although injuring is something i may only resort too from time to time now.. at 21... it has been and always will be a part of my life. i find comfort in my scars.. each line, burn, and word has meaning. i've cut three times in the last 3 and a half yrs.. i've been completely off meds for 4 years.. i'm happily married with a beautiful home and a loving family... so maybe, just maybe THIS is it.

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