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[01 Jun 2008|12:03pm] |
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hello, my name is Ashley. i'm 20. i've been hurting myself for about 10 years. i'm not exaclty sure what i'm doing updating. i need someone, i need something, i'm just not sure what. i have no one to talk to about any of this. all the firends that i used to have for this sort of thing, i guess have all grown out of it.
i've been in limbo for the last 3 days. there's no season, my house doesnt have one inside. i havent been to work in 5 days and i have no idea how i'm going to go tomorrow. i cut myself on friday and my boyfriend found them. he always says if i dont stop, he's going to break up with me over it. i told him to go ahead and just do it, he didnt. it really bothers me because i always think he's going to tell my mom. she thinks i stopped doing it 4 or 5 years ago. i dont know what's been going on lately but the part that scares me is that i dont care... i dont want to do anything, i just want to sleep.
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[27 May 2008|03:37pm] |
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hah to make me feel even better, just found out he was makin out with his ex gf right after he broke up with me...its taking all i havee to not rip myself open right now....
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[26 May 2008|09:16pm] |
this is my first time posting....
my bf of a year and a half just broke up with me....i stopped cutting a year and a half ago...when we got together....he made me feel alright with myself and everything that was going on....and now hes gone....and all of my old feelings about myself have come back and i cut myself 4 times on my hip...all i could do was stare at myself in the mirror and watch myself bleed....i dont know what to do now that hes not there to make me feel ok....nothing but him made it better....and now hes gone and im left alone...idk what to do...
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[16 May 2008|11:28am] |
Hey,
Im sick of bullshit. Just plain over it. I mean fuck what have i ever actually done to anybody yet people are always treating me like shit and walking all over me. I just dont know what to do anymore. I cant be honest with anyone about how i feel so im back here once again.
Oh and as i was randomly abused by a girl who i thought was a friend she was like oh and and is it true you cut your foot? I mean W T F ? ! ? Its bad enough theyre spreading rumours about me but that? Every single group i pick to be my friends ends up fucked up. I think im going to give up trying to be social and just go with the flow, you know be my own person and all that shit.
My friend, well more of an aquantence hung herself a month ago and i dont really know why but i really upset me. I just guess it hit close to home ya know. And its all i can think about, i visit her bebo page everytime im online and listen to the song whe requested every single day. I just keep thinking about it more and more and more. I mean what if she made a mistake and what if there is nothing after this, just nothing. What about her baby girl. What about everything, the sky, trees, snow? I mean what if its just nothing but black? But then what if its not. There must have been a reason to want something else so bad. I mean fuck we all think about it. But i dont want to be forgotten, like what if there is NOTHING after this, and then eveything else you've done is forgotten and the only thing showing that you were ever like anything at all is a plaque in the cemetery and a body in the ground? I just cant let it go ever. My boyfriend said i was obsessed, and maybe i am but i just cant let it go. I mean her friends obviously cant live without her and she thought she had nothing going for her. I dont even have friends and im still here. Maybe someones trying to tell me something. That i should just fuck off and never come back.
Fuck im so confused and wish i just had someone to talk to and answer my questions but no im all alone with no one to save me now.
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[01 Dec 2007|12:57am] |
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goddammit. i am so fucking weak.
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[02 Oct 2007|11:40am] |
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[12 Sep 2007|12:23pm] |
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music |
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Sia - Breathe Me |
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I'm at work. I just took the scissors in the bathroom and cut three times on my hip. I was doing so good.
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| 1year 9 months. |
[21 May 2007|05:49pm] |
i dont want to hurt
its been too long
i hate having the feelings that i want to cut
i dont even know why
maybe because i havent taken my medicine yet
i caught myself looking for somthing triggering online
i hate it when i do that
at least i do it less then i did before
i hate how i can have access to triggering things
stupid urges.
with me luck.
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[29 Apr 2007|12:04am] |
What're some big signs that you're bi polar..? I was thinking I might be, but I'm entirely sure because whenever I feel extremely low, I don't break out into sobbing fits.
I also don't really want to go to a doctor. not yet.
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[19 Apr 2007|07:05pm] |
i was just wondering if anyone knows the answer to this.
the last time i REALLY cut was a little over a month ago..
after it for about a week i couldnt feel one of my fingers and
theres a spot on my wrist i cant feel. sometimes my finger still
gets tingly with a weird numbness.. i wanted to know if this
could have anything to do with nerve damage or something?
i should have gotten stitches for this one, and im not proud.
i was just 2 scared to tell anyone. how deep do you have to
cut to fuck up your nerves?.
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[12 Apr 2007|07:42pm] |
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wow guys, i hate when ppl lie about things for attention, like they lie about SI and try to act all cool and self depressed when their life is perfect and they have nothing wrong, i fucking hate posers.
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| 1,5 years - and counting! |
[06 Apr 2007|02:38pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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Epica - Run for a Fall |
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Hi!
I just joined this community. I'm an ex-cutter. Although I haven't cut myself for 1,5 years now, I still get the urge sometimes. So here's a tip for you cutters that want to stop cutting, that works for me:
Put an elastic band around your wrist, and whenever the urge comes, you just pull the elastic band, and release it. It will then hit your wrist, giving you a small sting. Sometimes this is enough to stop the urge, especially if you do it a couple of times.
I know, however, from experience, that this does not work for everyone. I have a couple of friends who doesn't get any help from this. But still, it's worth a try if you haven't tried it already. Good luck! =)
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[28 Mar 2007|07:36pm] |
Are you male or female: female
How old are you currently?: 16
How old were you when you first SI-ed?: 13
Why do you SI?: When I feel that I have nothing and no one to turn to
What is your main method of SI ? cutting
How often do you SI? i used to do it almost every day, up til about two years ago. and recently i started again. but only once in a while
Do you feel pain when you SI? Or have you dissociated?: I feel dissociated. Normally I go to bed right after or pass out.
How do you feel before, during, and after you SI?: I feel kind of detached.
Do you have any rituals?: no
Have you ever SI-ed in front of anyone? Have you ever been caught?: No and Yes
Do you know anybody who SI's? Did they have any influence on your own behavior?: Yes. and No.
How do you hide your SI?: I do it on my thighs and hips so nobody really sees.
Have you ever told anyone you SI? If yes, then who?: I've told a few really close people.
How did they react and what did you feel?: Upset, surprised. I felt awkward.
Why did you tell? If you haven't told anyone, why not?: I needed to vent.
Since you've told has living with your SI been easier or more difficult?: Easier. I like things in the open.
Do you want to stop SI-ing? Why?: Yeah. It's not a good way to cope and I know it.
Do you have any coping skills that help stop you from SI-ing? My boyfriend told me to call him whenever I feel like it. But that doesn't always work
Have you ever gotten any medical or psychiatric treatment for your SI? not for SI but i've gotten psychiatric treatment
Have you ever been in-patient in a psychiatric facility for SI?: not for SI
Do you take any medicine for your SI? Yes.
Have you ever been refused therapy or lost a psychologist because of your SI?: no
Do you have any other disorders apart from SI?: Dependent personality Disorder and Manic-Depression
Have you ever suffered any abuse?: Yes
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| First Post |
[28 Mar 2007|07:34pm] |
Well, not really. Like two years ago I was a part of this community. I got control of everything though, so I stopped posting. The other day though, I cut for the first time in i think two years.
It scared me.
I was out cold in my bathroom.
I woke up and it was 4 a.m.
I hate when I do this.
So I thought maybe posting here again would help.
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[26 Mar 2007|08:53pm] |
The art of suicide
Nightgowns and hair
Curls flying every which way
The place of your delight
Ridges of size meant to conceal others lies
Under the origins of moon light and sky
Its suddenly easy to contemplate why
Why live a lie
Thats painted with pity and sadness and strife
Why dream a dream thats tainted with trouble and less than it seems
Why bother bothering
Just for a poem or another sad song to sing
Why live a lie
The art of suicide
Pretty and clean
Conveys a theatrical theme
Alas I have gone to cry
A make less display never dramatically late
Life is not blind
Maybe someday
With a second ending
When the people are disturbed
Well they should be disturbed
Because there a story that ought to be heard
Life is not blind
Maybe someday
With a second ending
When the people are disturbed
Well they should be disturbed
Because there a lesson that really ought to be learned
The world is full of poets, we dont need anymore
The world is full of singers, we dont need anymore
The world is full of lovers we dont need anymore
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[25 Mar 2007|09:54pm] |
Are you male or female: female
How old are you currently?: 19
How old were you when you first SI-ed?: Well I used to violently rip chunks of skin out of my arm when i was little or pull my hair out as young as 8.
Why do you SI?: Mostly it happens when I am panicking and do not know what to do.
What is your main method of SI ? Cutting
How often do you SI? I used to cut every day but its been over a year since I cut until last night. :(
Do you feel pain when you SI? Or have you dissociated?: Usually it doesnt hurt and I definitely have dissociated.
How do you feel before, during, and after you SI?: I feel completely out of control and it scares the shit out of me.
Do you have any rituals?: No.
Have you ever SI-ed in front of anyone? Have you ever been caught?: Yes and Yes
Do you know anybody who SI's? Did they have any influence on your own behavior?: I learned of people that did after I had already been doing it.
How do you hide your SI?: I used to always wear long sleeves but now the scars there are almost unnoticable.
Have you ever told anyone you SI? If yes, then who?: Annyone who has ever gotten close to me.
How did they react and what did you feel?: Usually they just want me to stop and don't understand why its such a big deal to stop.
Why did you tell? If you haven't told anyone, why not?: It just got to be too muh.
Since you've told has living with your SI been easier or more difficult?: Both. Easier cause it helped me stop. But harder cause now everyone always asks if i'm doing it.
Do you want to stop SI-ing? Why?: Hell yes, but more importantly I don't ever want the urge to cut in the first place.
Do you have any coping skills that help stop you from SI-ing? Not really.
Have you ever gotten any medical or psychiatric treatment for your SI? yes
Have you ever been in-patient in a psychiatric facility for SI?: no
Do you take any medicine for your SI? yes.
Have you ever been refused therapy or lost a psychologist because of your SI?: no
Do you have any other disorders apart from SI?: Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi Poloar, Depression and Post traumatic stress disorder, and anxiety disorder.
Have you ever suffered any abuse?: Yes, emotional, physical and sexual
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| read me |
[22 Mar 2007|02:53pm] |
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If you live close I might let you have me. I'm easy.
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[20 Mar 2007|03:48am] |
I just cut. 5 new ones.
Last time I cut before tonight was December 2004.
There goes that.
Why? I hate it.
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[19 Mar 2007|12:05am] |
my boyfriend and i are on the verge of breaking up. he seems so passive about it and all i do is cry.
i cut myself for the first time today.
in between the possible break up phone calls, i freaked out. if that wasn't a panic attack i dunno what was. i needed pain to calm me down. i tried a kitchen knife, but it wasnt sharp enough. the exacto i was using for art wasn't either. i went to the bathroom and took apart one of my razors. the cut started gushing with blood. i freaked out.
i want to bleed so much. so much that i faint.
if we break up i'll die.
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