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Blurty's First Self-Injury Community

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hello all.. [26 Jul 2010|06:03pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I wish there was some way to explain to the people I love that when I cut myself it has NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM and that if they don't want to listen to all the bullshit my mind spews at me all day then they should just let me cope the only way I've learned how. I miss the blood. I miss the rush. I miss the feeling that the whole world consists of me and the moment... anytime I cut myself by accident at work it's all I can do to not just sit and play with the blood. The only time I get to watch myself bleed these days is when those accidents occur. I feel like i'm breaking up into pieces. It's been almost three years since I've been on a cutting binge and the scars I racked up last time are starting to fade. I've been keeping myself from cutting for about three years, out of respect for my mom and my boyfriend who get really fucking upset with me when I do it. If I was single and nobody ever saw me naked my thighs would be back to their bloody glory, covered in criss-crosses and gashes... and as time goes by I miss that more and more. I wonder if I'll ever be able to let my self-injury problem fade away...

13 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

is there hope? [29 Oct 2009|01:07pm]

[ mood | aggravated ]

my self injury started at the young tender age of 10. i had no idea that the things i was doing to my body back then even had a name or a reason or an underlying cause. i just knew that i had to do it -- because if i didn't things just weren't right. i started out pulling my hair out or banging my head against a wall or purposely throwing myself off the back porch.. things like that and everybody assumed i was just acting out.. and that was fine with me. at this point my injuring didn't draw in much attention so it was one thing i HAD that was MINE that nobody could TAKE from me EVER and it made me HAPPY to hurt it made me SMILE to bleed. eventually around the age of twelve i fell in love with sharp edges and glass and lighters and the smell of burnt skin. this was my escape. i found it. there was nothing better for me and this was my calling. this was ME. the scars covered my imperfect body. hell, they even masked my imperfect mind. and i had everything i ever needed now. by the time i was in highschool i had to withdraw because people started asking questions. a lot of the people i hung around were going through the same things -- these weren't the kids from the nice neighborhood across the street that i hung out with... these were the lost souls from the trailer park.. the ones that wandered the streets until bed time because home was a pain they knew too well already. it all progressed and eventually i was injuring everyday sometimes 3 or 4 times a day just to get through twenty four hours of bliss. well... that's what it was at the time. i started running out of places that people couldn't see.. not easily anyhow. the skin there now is scarred and tough like leather but i like that cause YOU CAN'T HURT ME ANY WORSE THEN I HAVE ALREADY HURT MYSELF. NOW THIS IS WHAT I CALL PARADISE, THIS IS IT. but although injuring is something i may only resort too from time to time now.. at 21... it has been and always will be a part of my life. i find comfort in my scars.. each line, burn, and word has meaning. i've cut three times in the last 3 and a half yrs.. i've been completely off meds for 4 years.. i'm happily married with a beautiful home and a loving family... so maybe, just maybe THIS is it.

9 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

I'm New [11 Aug 2009|11:14pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

So i Hate to come into a group and have the first of my words be a rant. but thats exactly why i came here. its been years sence i stopped coming to blurty and reading all about other people stories i thought if i ignored it, it would all go away but it cant nothing can stop the suffering i feel inside my head i know i'm ill i know i need help but i dont want it i just dont. i am in love soo deeply in love but i just cant take it no matter how happy or how sad i just want to take the nearest piece of glass and not just cut rip my skin open my god it just feels so good and even picking the scabs after they start to heal its all a game my sick little perverted game and my boyfriend just doesnt get it. he wont let me do it. hes the best thing thats every happened to me but i cant stop this sickness this urge to rip open my skin it haunts me it takes over me. what do i do how do i convince him i can't live without it? he made me promise i wouldnt pick the scabs but i already have 4 hours after i promised what do i do i cant hide it from him he sees all of my body. i cant live without it i cant and i dont want to. how do i convince him that by telling me not to it just makes me want to do it even more? i'd prolly die if he left me and he said he never would unless i cut again.
Please someone help.

14 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

I did it! [11 Jul 2009|11:27am]

[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | Killswitch Engage ]

I finally told my husband that I have been cutting. It was bothering me sooo much...and I hated keeping it from him. I almost chickened out but then he was about to see my new cuts and I didn't want him to see them before I told him. It felt soooo good to tell him...and now I feel like I might be able to move past this. He really didn't seem surprised or anything. And he said that he realizes that it would be a work in progress...and that it's ok if I slip up. He realizes that it's something that I need right now...but he really wants me to work on it. I told him that I want to stop...and that I was just afraid to tell him because I was ashamed and I didn't want him to be disappointed. I guess that's true. But I didn't tell him that I was afraid because I wanted to keep cutting. Because I'm afraid of being without it again. I don't like the idea of not having that to fall back on.

"I want to stay in love with my sorrow...but god, I wanna let it go" - Evanescence, Lithium.

10 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

Hi Everyone. [10 Jul 2009|04:30pm]

[ music | Evanescence - Like You ]

My name is Ali. I have engaged in SI since I was around 11 years old. I stopped for a few years and then about a year ago I started again. It just got too stressful...there was too much going on and I had to relieve some pressure.

I am 22 years old...and I got married a year and a half ago. He was the whole reason I quit in the first place...I didn't want him to know. It took some time but eventually...I had successfully quit. That lasted for about 3 years. One day about a year ago, I had this immediate urge to cut. I did cut that day...and I have been doing it ever since. I have been a lot better about controlling it and I only cut about once a week now...sometimes less. My husband still hasn't noticed that I have been cutting. I have been careful about hiding them or making them look like accidents. I feel like I can't do it anymore, though. Sooner or later...he will catch on. I mean...I'm literally surprised that he hasn't yet. I have even talked with him about it recently...about the fact that I used to cut and I still think about it...blah blah blah. LIES. Because I still DO IT. The sick thing is...sometimes...I just don't want to stop. It is something that I cherish. I feel like it is part of me. I might not need it...but I want it. Nothing can compare to it. I have other "coping mechanisms". I write. I play music. Yes...they help me through as well...but it's not the same. It's like...I go through the others first...and then if I still need it...I allow myself to cut. Luckily...those first few things often help me feel better before I resort to SI.

I cut today and wasn't necessary. A lot of shit has been going on lately...but I felt ok today. Maybe it was in preparation for going to see my mom tonight. She is in the Psych Unit at our hospital for trying to commit suicide 5 days ago. This will be the first time I've seen her since then. I don't know what to say to her. Blah.

I just found out that my niece cuts. She's 13. I just want to help her...I want her know that she can control it and eventually overcome it. I just want her to understand it.

Yeah...sorry about the rant-like nature of this introduction. I needed it. :) Thanks.

9 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

Um... [10 Apr 2009|11:59pm]

[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | Throw Me Away-Korn ]

I'm Jen and I'm 21.
I've been a cutter since I was 14.

Read more... )

19 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

that old familiar feeling... [15 Mar 2009|10:06pm]

[ mood | disappointed ]

should i?


shouldn't i?

that is the question...

13 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

that old familiar feeling... [14 Mar 2009|03:30pm]

[ mood | disappointed ]

oh dear, it's been like 4 months since i last cut...
i havent had anything like that on my mind since then
which is great... but... not so good now...
its been on my mind, in and out it would pop in my my head
i've been able to shake it off... but not recently

i hate when this happens
things where doing good
but now.. not so much...
i just cant slip again...
i dont want to fail myself
and everyone whos been with me through this struggle

ive been trying to get off my meds and if i slip
gosh knows whats gonna happen

ive been active doing all sorts of different things
but its soo hard not to go to the razor i have hidden
i should throw that away.
but i'm afraid if i get up and throw it away
i'd just cut instead.

"For he will rescue you from every trap.
And protect you from the fatal plague.
He will shield you with his wings.
He will shelter you with his feathers.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection."

12 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

new [18 Nov 2008|09:04pm]

so i'm new. my names jocelyn.

i haven't cut for 6 months, and then last night i did it. it wasnt cuts that i used to do last year. they weren't as deep, but i made a lot more. the scars are still healing from last time.
i went to my psychologist or whatever (the one who perscribes the meds) and we talked about my regular depression and anxiety. and then i told him how i am more depressed than ever in the winter and never feel like going anywhere, and im always tired all of the time, and that i sleep way more than i should. he diagnosed me with seasonal attentive disorder. its pretty much seasonal depression.

so pretty much all of this week and last week i have been thinking about how it isnt fair. and i know that life isnt fair and it never will be, but i am just acting like a baby. i dont think its fair how i am depressed all of the time. i'm depressed even when nothing depressing happens! it makes me different, and i know different is good but i dont like being different like this. i guess i just need to rant.

so last night i was in my room, and i was so depressed and i have this thing where i cant cry, no matter how hard i try. and bleeding is like my crying i guess. so i dug into the back of my dresser drawer and pulled out the towel that holds my razors wrapped up. and i just began cutting. soon it was like i just needed to see blood, so i cut more and more. i'm afraid that i'm going to start back up again doing it all the time. i have 60 cuts on my leg. and thats just from one night.

why cant i tell all of this to my therapist? because i feel like i let her down..
13 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

[01 Nov 2008|12:49am]

[ mood | depressed ]

I think a lot.
Most of the time, I think too much.

I can't let go of things easily at all. They haunt me. They nag at me. They eat away at me.
No one understands.
I don't allow myself to feel the things I need to in order to get past them. How can I expect anyone else to understand what's going on in my fucked up head, when I don't even understand it myself? I can't. They can't. We just can't.
...and I don't know how to stop that.

Today was not a good day - not a good day at all. Today was one of those "thinking way too goddamn much" days.

I caved.
After over 10 months, I fucking caved. It couldn't have been more than 5 minutes that completely erased my previous victory. It was inevitable. It always is. 10 months, 2 years, 4 days, 3 weeks, it doesn't matter - it always comes back. It is, and probably always will be, a part of who I am.

I feel like I'm loosing control of myself all over again and this time, I think I may not ever get it back.

11 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

that old familiar feeling.... [20 Oct 2008|02:50am]

[ mood | tired ]

i did it

i broke my 3 years and a 4 months

i havent told anyone except my boyfriend
he is not mad a me.. but proud of me?
he says, he is proud of me because i did so well, for so long...

i felt good when he said he was proud because he is right...
but also i feel like shit
a dirty fucking whore fuck face that enjoys burning herself

ive been thinking about the whole slicing and dicing thing
but where would i do it??
it's not like im in high school again and i can hide it with a shit load of bracelets
my mother dear would totally notice if i did somthing like that
the alarm in her head would go off and i would have to show her my wrists or arms

i have a real job and i do things.
you know what i mean...
i dont want a therapist
i dont want more meds
i am tired of this shit i go through

anyone that S.I. is tired

i cant be doing this anymore
i broke in...and i am bad for that
but that pain i first got doing it again and then the numbness
that old familiar feeling ! >.<

i still have time to never do it again.
i can pretend it never happened

10 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

babel [15 Oct 2008|07:21am]

[ mood | apathetic ]
[ music | sleeping beauty- A perfect circle ]

I’d rather be blind
Then face this empty existence
Take my steps one after another
Going nowhere and knowing this

My preference not once queried
Requests never reviewed
As I travel down a path renewed
Revived and magnified
Breathing life in what I destroyed

Is this a punishment
Perhaps a blessing in disguise
A second chance to change
Cover all the lies
Giving way to amplified pleasures
Deny myself the simple ones……

6 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

[11 Jul 2008|12:20am]


yeah yeah i know, you are all so excited
if you don't know what this is,
read this :]

andddd, then -->

~remember it is ttly anonymous~
11 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

[01 Jun 2008|12:03pm]

[ mood | tired ]

hello, my name is Ashley. i'm 20. i've been hurting myself for about 10 years. i'm not exaclty sure what i'm doing updating. i need someone, i need something, i'm just not sure what. i have no one to talk to about any of this. all the firends that i used to have for this sort of thing, i guess have all grown out of it.

i've been in limbo for the last 3 days. there's no season, my house doesnt have one inside. i havent been to work in 5 days and i have no idea how i'm going to go tomorrow. i cut myself on friday and my boyfriend found them. he always says if i dont stop, he's going to break up with me over it. i told him to go ahead and just do it, he didnt. it really bothers me because i always think he's going to tell my mom. she thinks i stopped doing it 4 or 5 years ago. i dont know what's been going on lately but the part that scares me is that i dont care... i dont want to do anything, i just want to sleep.

8 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

[27 May 2008|03:37pm]
hah to make me feel even better, just found out he was makin out with his ex gf right after he broke up with me...its taking all i havee to not rip myself open right now....
6 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

[26 May 2008|09:16pm]
this is my first time posting....

my bf of a year and a half just broke up with me....i stopped cutting a year and a half ago...when we got together....he made me feel alright with myself and everything that was going on....and now hes gone....and all of my old feelings about myself have come back and i cut myself 4 times on my hip...all i could do was stare at myself in the mirror and watch myself bleed....i dont know what to do now that hes not there to make me feel ok....nothing but him made it better....and now hes gone and im left alone...idk what to do...
7 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

[16 May 2008|11:28am]


Im sick of bullshit. Just plain over it. I mean fuck what have i ever actually done to anybody yet people are always treating me like shit and walking all over me. I just dont know what to do anymore. I cant be honest with anyone about how i feel so im back here once again.

Oh and as i was randomly abused by a girl who i thought was a friend she was like oh and and is it true you cut your foot? I mean W T F ? ! ? Its bad enough theyre spreading rumours about me but that? Every single group i pick to be my friends ends up fucked up. I think im going to give up trying to be social and just go with the flow, you know be my own person and all that shit.

My friend, well more of an aquantence hung herself a month ago and i dont really know why but i really upset me. I just guess it hit close to home ya know. And its all i can think about, i visit her bebo page everytime im online and listen to the song whe requested every single day. I just keep thinking about it more and more and more. I mean what if she made a mistake and what if there is nothing after this, just nothing. What about her baby girl. What about everything, the sky, trees, snow? I mean what if its just nothing but black? But then what if its not. There must have been a reason to want something else so bad. I mean fuck we all think about it. But i dont want to be forgotten, like what if there is NOTHING after this, and then eveything else you've done is forgotten and the only thing showing that you were ever like anything at all is a plaque in the cemetery and a body in the ground? I just cant let it go ever. My boyfriend said i was obsessed, and maybe i am but i just cant let it go. I mean her friends obviously cant live without her and she thought she had nothing going for her. I dont even have friends and im still here. Maybe someones trying to tell me something. That i should just fuck off and never come back.

Fuck im so confused and wish i just had someone to talk to and answer my questions but no im all alone with no one to save me now.
10 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

[01 Dec 2007|12:57am]

goddammit. i am so fucking weak.
11 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

[02 Oct 2007|11:40am]
5 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

Wannanoascret [02 Oct 2007|11:07am]
Get paid Legally
4 bodies in the gutter - throw it all away

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