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Friday, June 17th, 2005
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2:07 pm
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| Saturday, February 19th, 2005
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8:15 pm - WU HAAAA!!!
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There comes a time in ones life when we approach the point of growing up. This point is more prevalent now then ever before. We try to avoid it, we try to cheat it, but it never works out in our favor. Life always manages to sneak up on us. It seems like yesterday when we were at the Main & Transit fire hall seeing Strife and Mouthpiece, you bought the By The Grace Of God record on vinyl. I always thought you hated me, we never spoke to each other in the past, yet we knew the same people it never really made sense to me. You drove Conway and myself home that night and we started an amazing friendship.
Wednesday nights at Howdee's were insane, we had the best crew out of anyone. Myself, you, Walker, Mich, Boom Boom, DJ Adam, and sometimes Taylor and Piljay all ripping it up. Although I never officially joined in on any of the FPC activities I still considered myself a member by default.
Who would have thought that all of us would be living together under one roof one day. 425? What happens in 425 stays in 425. The insane parties we threw, the nights when Sprigg would become restless and convince us all to go out in the neighborhood and cause trouble, and the times when we would wake up on Sundays at kickoff, order pizza and lounge around in our jammies while watching our beloved Bills.
The days of the 795 will live in my memory forever. Superbowl parties, numerous nights spent on the "WU TON ", and the countless times I've heard the word not it. If the walls could talk in that place man oh man.
From the days of DC connections to Afterdark Entertainment I've supported you no matter what, I've always offered my best advice whenever you asked. Look at where it's carrying you now. I'm proud of you, and I encourage you to further your career, even if it means we have to break up the crew. I know I will never forget any of the times we've had and I look forward to the days when you call me and tell me you're getting married, and when you have your first kid, I want to get that call in the middle of the day or night and hear all about it, and I promise you that I will do the same. I wish you luck buddy, and I hope we don't forget about each other and let life get in the way of being friends.
" We'll go to the bottom of every bottle
The end of theline on every story
Those times we miss, those times we reminisce
Those were the good old days
I hold in heart and cherish. Never forget "
current mood: complacent
current music: Jersey - Story of 53
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| Wednesday, February 16th, 2005
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5:58 pm - love has no social status
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I'm not the best decision maker, I'm not the richest, smartest individual. I'm not the most successful, and for certain I'm not the most attractive. What I do know is I am glad I am not you. I am glad I do not go through my day judging, and cutting down the one person I love and respect unconditionally. You take into account no one else's feelings but your own. You live in this fantasy world of furniture and paint, you snub other people because they don't fit into your lifestyle and you laugh about it. The irony is that you weren't born into this. You got lucky, you were fortunate enough to marry someone who was on the way up the ladder of success.
Yeah we fight, who doesn't? We are in the 1st stages of this, we are still figuring things out. What you don't see is me hurting, what you don't see is me crying sometimes, me being in pain for some of the decisions she makes. You're blinded by green and dead presidents. It's sad, it's sad and pathetic that you don't support her, instead you try to make it so goddamn difficult on her. Do you think it helps? Do you think she needs all the extra stress in her life? She busts her ass for you day in and day out, but you're too caught up in your fantasy world to see it.
In the past it has been so easy for me to run away. If this was the old me I would have been gone months ago. I would have turned my back and ran. I can't, and I won't because you're not there in the hotel room with us making progress, you weren't inside my head when all the thoughts popped in of how we can better ourselves. You weren't there in Danbury passing notes with the nervousness of a person unsure and scared. You're not around to hear the 1000 I love you's daily, You're not there for the talks about the future and kisses on the forehead.
So I have to ask you, Where do you get off being so goddamned involved? How does it make any sense for you to have an opinion in something that doesn't affect you one way or the other? I know I'm not you, I know I don't fit your agenda, but do me a favor please. Support her every decision, her every effort, her every way to make you happy. It's killing her inside, all she wants to do is be appreciated. It's your job to do that, it's your purpose to be supportive and be there through the tears and the laughter. However you must realize when the line is crossed, and you interfere too much. This is that time. The whole reason for this past weekend was to better ourselves. It was to point out things that were in the grey, things that were never said but should have been. These things caused a lot of the tears and anger. I am confident in us, and after these things have been talked through and agreed upon so is she.
So it shouldn't matter to you at this point anymore. What should matter is how are you going to patch up the shaky, rocky relationship you have with her? Are you going to take her shopping and buy her expensive things? I know that's not the answer but you seem to think that it is. The true answer here is sit down with her, hear her out, forget your own selfish ways for once and give her the benefit of the doubt. Know your role, all that means is support don't try to control. Believe it or not she is capable of making her own decisions. This is the first step for you to take, the next will be between you and I. Let's hope we make it that far. I know you have it in you.
current mood: drained
current music: the sound of my wheezing lungs
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| Monday, February 14th, 2005
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12:50 am - What A Crazy Year
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Hello old friend! Where the hell have you been? It's been awhile but by the everlasting encouragement of my better half, I decided to start writing in this thing again. Maybe it's for nostalgia, maybe it's for piece of mind, maybe it's because I have a lot to say and nowhere else to vent, maybe it's because things in my life are going right for once, and I feel that this will not be a negative space but hopefully a positve one. A space where I can be me and not have to worry about being judged or cutdown for who I am and what I believe in. I want to write about my goodtimes and badtimes. Most importantly I am my own god here I make the rules, if the grammar sucks i'm sorry but you can suck it. I have a way about me, sometimes I like the rough stuff, I like the mistakes it keeps it real, it keeps it non polished and packaged. So yeah where to begin let's start back in March of 2004. What a day who would have thought that when I woke up at 7 am that day to hop a flight to NYC then have a friend drive me from NYC to Danbury CT. I would be in the position that I am today. New, fresh, alive, cleansed, happy, that is the only way I want to know from now on. Being a scumbag and a dirty individual ( with the ladies ) does not impress me anymore infact the thought of it who I was fucking disgusts me. On that day all of that changed we passed notes like 2 giddy 7th graders. We had pits in our stomaches because we never knew what the next one would entail. We laughed I told dumb jokes ( it's a defense sort of ) she laughed at them and not me ( well maybe me too ) We couldn't leave eachother's side all night. It was like somebody knew and convienently placed us in the same room at the exact same moment and pushed each of us towards each other. It was like movie type shit. I jumped back on the horse and that baby started bucking but I held on to a certain point. One month later that same person brought back every horrible aching memory of my tragic past. Every single little thing came crashing to the front of my brain and I was reminded why I never wanted this ever again. Just when you think you have it all you lose it twice as fast. I reverted to my only safety net, I shutdown I copped out, I acted like the coward that I am. I placed blame on nobody but her. Yeah it sucked what happened but I now know for better reasons why it happened. It made us stronger, we grew up, we grew our own ways of trying to better ourselves. It was like that same person that put us together stepped in again and said hey you 2 need this, it sucks I know but trust me it's for the best right now. In that whole time apart ( 4 months ) I reverted to my old scumbag ways on one evening. It was a test I believe not a test to see if I could do it, but a test to see how I would feel after. I'll be godamned if that wasn't the best test ever given to me it's like I came out of that situation and it all clicked it all made sense I had new views and ideals. Things caught my attention and simply made no fucking sense to me anymore. Friends, Shows, Activities, none of this shit seemed to fucking matter to me anymore. It made me sick to my stomache and that's how I knew things were going to be a lot different with Chris in the coming months. Partying everynight became a thing of the past, random hookups became a thing of the past, love for my job became a thing of the past, certain people in my life became a thing of the past. It all boiled down to one person, one person was all I could think about. Ironically it was that same person that tore my shit out and stomped on it infront of me. I tried to call, I picked up the phone dialed and hung up, or I got really drunk one night and attempted to have a conversation, it was a cry for help. It was me reaching out and saying hey I'm the fuck up, I'm the stupid one. To no avail though because when I sobered up or thought about picking up the phone again I just thought of how I didn't want to start the whole vicious cycle up again, I didn't want the possibilty of being hurt again to enter my life. So I let it go. 23,000 people later that same person that brought us together in CT. was watching and that person knew that both of us were still searching for each other. Even if it was never said that person knew! 23,000 people and who do I randomly run into. Yes tears fell, kisses were had, hands were held, and someone was driven to the airport only to say goodbye again. so 23,000 people and almost a year later here I am, in Ann Arbor Michigan writing this from a hotel room where I am stealing wireless internet. I have to get up every other minute and go to the window to get a signal again, it's very tedious but every bit worth it. I am having what is I believe the most defining weekend of my life ( thusfar ) So with that I say Happy Valentines baby, I love you, I thank you for never giving up on me, when it seems that's all I do is give up on you. It's not giving up though, it's me being scared and being a coward and I want to show you that you make me believe in this more and more with everyday that I see your beautiful face and gorgeous baby blues. Let's fucking do this already because I want it more then ever and I know you do too. Happy Valentines Day Brooke, Forever and Counting Baby!!!!!!!!!!
current mood: determined
current music: Hot Water Music - 3 Summers Strong
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| Friday, March 14th, 2003
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4:27 am - let's do the world a favor and give them an overdose, I'm ready to explode
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So this is like the 4th night in a row that I can't sleep normally. What is going on seriously I hate this shit. Today I had some random thoughts one of them being I want to market a Monopoly game using Nintendo characters. How awesome would that be. Second I need to stop wasting my life away in the apt. all day. WHY WON'T ANYBODY HIRE ME. I mean I am not that much of an outcast that you wouldn't want me working at your place of business. Yeah I am alittle unstable now but that is only because of the whole not having a job thing. My last and final random thought Larry David is a genius. Curb Your Enthusiasm is hands down the best show to ever hit TV. I know that is a bold statement but have you seen this show, it is rediculous. He covers ever aspect of every possible fucked up scenario. Ok, going to watch the Ring, thanks to my only friend who loves me DIVX.
current mood: awake
current music: AIR - The Virgin Suicides Soundtrack
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| Tuesday, March 11th, 2003
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9:40 am - I could feel the dry heat pushing, I could feel the blood withdrawl
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So here's to pulling an all nighter to try and fix this terrible sleep pattern that I have going. Is this human? I would like to do a poll and see how many others there are like me. I finally saw 40 days and 40 nights, I have such a crush on erica in that movie. The role that she plays is my total idea of a dream girl. Anyway DivX is my new friend I love downloading movies and watching them in my bed with my laptop best thing ever. I talked to kim for all of like 2 seconds yesterday we have been playing a sweet game of phone tag. Well more like I won't answer the call when I see that she is on my caller ID, I just want to see what kind of voice mail she will leave me. I am such a sap I am waiting for her one day to say that she really misses me and that she made a mistake but that's not going to happen I am afraid. It's hard to show emotion like that when your a heartless bitch. One time she left a meassgae the day before valentines day that actually had a emotion and was more then 2 seconds long. Oh well I guess I can keep hoping, we'll see what she has to say today.
current mood: insomnia is a bitch
current music: punch drunk punk rock romance - everytime i die
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| Monday, March 10th, 2003
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4:19 am - when you see the peoples images disperse in the rear view mirrior
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So I watched this movie tonight that really reminded me of my life. The title isn't important, I will just say that it really hit home with me. Throughout this movie the main character struggles with alot of different conflicts, the major one being leaving home. It seems as though this character thought he had everything that he wanted in his hometown. Until one day he realized there is so much more out on the open road for him. This hometown, well nowhere town was really holding him back. He had to leave to find love, loss, and regret. In the process he had to say goodbye to his bestfriend from childhood. All these events happened to me in the past couple of months. Up until tonight I didn't realize how lucky I was for doing the things I have done. Regret is a part of growing up and I know this now, strange how a movie puts things into perspective for you. It's true though I have had so many regrets since leaving, but now I am just glad I am out. Too many people talk about doing things but never act on them. I to was one of those people and I am proud to say that I am no longer in that category anymore. Here's to a clear mind ( for the time being ) and open heart, and a fresh new attitude.
current mood: insomnia is a bitch
current music: Esthero - breath from another
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| Saturday, March 8th, 2003
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7:28 am - Is any of this making sense? This isn't really happening!!!
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So this is my first entry. I have been comparing my life to the likes of a car wreck lately. Nothing is going right for me, I am doing my best but these new surroundings are not so nice to me. Every time something looks like it will work out, bam I am reminded that ever since the big move my life has officially sucked. I think somedays is it really worth it to go on like this. I mean it would be so much easier to just pull the fucking trigger already. Sure the clean up would suck for my roommate, The bathroom would be out of order for awhile. I would try to keep it clean but I can't make any promises. Not sure how steady my aim would be when I am seeing pictures of my boring, dull, un eventful, and non existent life flash before my eyes. I'm not really going to do this ever I am just saying it would really make things alot easier. One more thing, I can't beleive I let a girl screw me over again. This wasn't supposed to happen, I was trying to stay away. 3 years of no stress and not having to worry about having stomache aches from stress down the shitter. What was I seriously thinking? I mean really did I need to complicate my life anymore. The thing that sucks is I say I don't really care, obviously I do if I can't stop thinking about her. She dropped me like a bad habit. Shit happens I guess, I'll move on I am sure somehow.
current mood: numb
current music: Every Time I Die - Emergency Broadcast Syndrome
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