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Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
7:10 pm - It's about time.
Well- I realize that I haven't written here in a while, but I guess I haven't really had anything to say. Lately things have been kind of hectic(?). I don't even know what to call these recent times. I wouldn't say it's dramatic or petty.. just something that I think everyone goes through.

I feel like this all may have started with a simple comment or complaint and has blown up to encompass all of us. Not that I can nail it down- but I feel like we are all talking ourselves in circles, no? I think I am more confused now then I ever was before.. minus any relationship I have ever been in with a guy, those always confuse the hell out of me.

I guess I kind of agree with Jackie when she says that complaints aren't really worth voicing a lot of the time, because they just raise more problems. I'll be the first to admit my own faults- I know that I do sometimes need to vent about things that are bothering me.. but I never want these things to cause a "scene". I would much rather not address an issue and let it blow over in my own head. I've found that the only person that can make myself feel better about something is usually me. And that by bringing other people into it just causes problems. Call it selfish, immature, quiet, non-confrontational or whatever the hell you want to... that's the way I am- I know and am willing to admit it.

I'm not really sure what the point of this whole thing was.. so I'm sorry if you've stayed tuned through all of that bullshit. My bottom line is- I think we are all great friends and value all of you as best friends.. and I think we're above whatever it is that seems to be going on right now (<- not meant to sound like a stupid pep talk. lol)

BYEEEEE : )

current mood: cheerful
current music: Gavin DeGraw- Follow Through

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Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
9:27 pm - it's about time.
Okay- well recently i got some deep journal entries in here. I guess I'm not really in the deep mood anymore. Lol. I actually had a kind of shitty day which would normally put me in a semi-deep mood. But- right now, I'm just tired and not really caring.

I think i have discovered what puts me in a bad mood... you know how people say something that is intended as a joke, but can sometimes be hurtful? Well- this happened twice today.. and I'm not going to cry about it.. i can take a joke... but when it is something that I seem to care about and i don't feel like stopping to "their" level and coming back with some quick retort.. i sit there in silence. And it is that exact silence that puts me in a bad mood. Sadly- it doesn't really matter how long this silence lasts.. once it happens i'm in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I guess this has been happening quite a while now, and what's weird is that it isn't necessarily what anyone says, it's more my response to it. Like- once i shut down.. I'm just finished for the day and I can't seem to get back to my normal self.

weird.

HERE IS THE NON-DEEP MATERIAL:
I am getting my car this week, woooo.
My register was $3.99 over today- boooo.
I have a headache- yet another boooo.
and my stupid fucking victorias secret shirt that i waited forever for sucked. boooo.

alright- that's about it. oh- i liked the shirt i wore today. Kind of wish that i had bought that belt in canada instead of steph- i really like it. Thanks for letting me borrow :-)

current mood: calm
current music: tv!

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Sunday, April 3rd, 2005
9:26 pm - Standing still.
Ok- I've been having this feeling recently... like I'm standing still and the world is still spinning around me. I can't really explain it.

Last night I was sitting in a room full of people, and it just dawned on me that all of my friendships and relationships have changed. Every last one of them. And it just made me feel so sad. I mean- some definitely have changed, but maybe some haven't? Maybe this is the way that things have always been and I have just opened my eyes to them? I guess it isn't that horrible- but it makes me feel like I need to sort things out... and I just can't pinpoint it. I have no idea where I am right now, maybe this whole college thing has me thinking. It is going to be such a change, and maybe I could really use that. It's such a weird thing to be so excited for something yet so nervous at the same time.

I had a good time at Mike's house last night. I'm really glad I went- I've missed his friendship. I guess it was kind of stupid how we stopped talking- kind of my fault, but I think things could've been handled better on both sides. I've missed him though... we used to have some good times. Today he was going to come visit me at work but got there at "6:30" instead of the new 6:30- it was really 7:30 and I was already home... so he just came to my house instead and we sat around and talked.

Anyway- my stomach hurts and I think i am going to go to bed ealrly!

current mood: blank
current music: Fall to Pieces- Avril Lavigne

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Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
10:04 pm - just when i think i get everything figured out...
hello hello... here comes another not so deep journal entry. more just an update on my life.


We'll start a couple of days back-
Aaron had asked me if i was pursuing anyone currently, i asked why and he said because he would laugh.

Now.. I guess there are a couple of explanations for that... he would laugh because it meant that I couldn't have liked him that much? or because he didn't want to go to prom anymore and was looking for an out, even though that isn't how it seems but who knows...


Last night I get this message after not having spoken after the above topic for a couple of days-
hey sweetheart i havent been avoiding you or anything like that but i have been super busy with all this working and getting a location open and possibly a second one so dont think that just in case you were i hope work i sgoing well and leave me a message here about when you are working again and when i can see you ....i miss you darling --have fun

now- that would be totally inappropriate fo rhte "just friends" status he asked for.. no? sweetheart, darling.. i loe it, but... girlfriend, hello?!?!?


Tonight-
He IMs me and sounds all mopey, and i sense a change in tone.. turns out that he has broken up with Kim and seems to be a mess.



NOW.. this gives me a whole new spin on things.. did his asking me if i was pursuing anyone influence his decision? and did that dictate his change to a more endearing tone last night? who the hell knows? i guess only time will tell.. and i guess i am kind of excited about that.

I really appreciate Aaron, and despite the fact that we haven't dated i think his friendshiop has helped me to grow.. I can express myself a lot easier and see people for what they really are. Anyway- right now i am so happy that it would seem that we are back on the best friendship basis, i have missed him over the last few days, and i am happy with what we are right now.

current mood: contemplative
current music: Travis- Somewhere Else

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Monday, March 28th, 2005
9:41 pm - thank you stephanie.
Pick ONE from each pair that you think describes me the best and leave it in the comments. Then copy this and post it in your own journal to see how your friends view you.

* dominant or submissive
* logical or intuitive
* social or loner
* kinky or vanilla
* cute or sophisticated
* kitten or puppy
* warm flannel sheets or sleek satin
* leader or follower
* quiet or talkative
* spontaneous or planned
* teddy bear or porcelain doll
* hiking or window shopping
* tequila or vodka
* top or bottom
* bare foot or shoes
* jeans or slacks
* tender or rough
* aware or dreamy
* nerd or geek

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9:21 pm - work work work..
well- i know it has been a long time since i last wrote.. but i am pretty sure that no one's missed my "daily log of events" or so it has been called. haha. i am very sorry that i don't see fully clothed naked people or have deep thoughts. I am very simple- so here goes. I went to work today from 11-7, and we got new printers wooo... generally not too exciting, but everything is a lot faster now. I had this lady today who payed with a check and refused to give me her phone number and practically cursed me out at the top of her lungs, very unnecessary. Especially since I don't make the rules.. no phone number- no check.

OH!! I had the weirdest fucking dream ever last night and i am seriously so disturbed by it. Alright- so Aaron came over my house and we were in my room, except it wasn't really my room... and he had Kim with him. So me- being the bright light decides that I want to go lay out on the porch which is right behind "my room". I go out there and look back into my room and see the two of them in there naked- apparently just having finished having sex.. in my room! so- dopey me, i go back to applying my suntan lotion (to tan- i know..) but i had to drink a bottle of the lotion to make it work too? weird- so then kim comes out because aaron and i had decided to go for a ten minute walk. specifically 10 minutes. he never came outside so apparently we decided this through the wall. anyway- she's like going on and on about what a terrible life she has and if i took aaron away from her he is all that she has- and quote- "if you hook up with my man i will fucking kill you." Yeah. So we go for the walk and we're on a highway and the road splits. He's like "let's race!" so we split ways and on the way up there I meet up with this woman who was like "he's trying to ditch you- these roadds never meet!" and then i caught a glimpse of him and he looked really gross... and that's it.

so- here come my deep thoughts- will our roads never meet?

anyway- that's about it!

current mood: lazy
current music: watching tv

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Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005
9:47 pm - Life in General...
Fuck this.

current mood: tired
current music: none sadly...

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Monday, March 21st, 2005
8:41 pm - ::Sigh::
Okay- so, after having talked with mystery man again.. I think that the whole reason why I am getting hung up on this is because I know that he has the same feelings that I do. Had he not reciprocated- I would be fine and realize that I am wasting my time... but to be told that we both share the same feelings and that he just can't act on them is getting to be very frustrating, and all I can say is that I guess I am disappointed.

I am getting fed bullshit reasons like- I am out of his league. Give me a fucking break. Out of your league? What's so hot about me that's out of your league? Sorry, i don't mean this to be one of those down on yourself journals. But I guess I am just not seeing things clearly?

Anyway- I had a nice afternoon spent with Stephanie and Khadija. I didn't really do anything besides eat, but what else is new? I wonder why I am not this huge slob, definitely a possibility. Anyway- I have some homework to do, that I would like to start after this journal but I guess in all honesty won't happen for a couple of more hours!!

bye!

current mood: disappointed
current music: Travis- Beautiful Occupation

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Sunday, March 20th, 2005
12:42 pm - The Epitome of Boredom.
Wow, right now it's acually after 12 in the afternoon and I have left the house already. I woke up nice and early this morning to take Stephanie to McDonald's as I had told her that I would. At 10 this morning McDonalds wasn't looking quite as appealing as sleep was, but it turned out to be a good time. As usual, despite the fact they messed up my sandwiches. lol

So today Stephanie is going out to the city with the replacement Alex. :-( And I'll be home... not really sure doing what. Mom keeps asking me when I'm going to do the laundry- but I don't think today is looking like the lucky day. I'm definitely not in the mood. I might go and do some more clothes browsing- like I have been doing. Since I have no money, I do have a job though, just no money haha. I talked my dad into sending me some money to buy some jeans which is a VERY good thing.

Maybe today I'll get a headstart on some homework that'll be due this week. I really don't see this happening though, which is a bad thing. I have to read this long book called The Poisonwood Bible for APES. I'm on page 2- it along with a report is due on Wednesday- YES!

Alright- I'm calling a quits right now. Maybe I'll get something productive accomplished today?

current mood: chipper
current music: Coldplay- Clocks

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Thursday, March 17th, 2005
9:25 pm - Who We Are
Ok- today by far had to be one of the shittiest. Unfortunately I mean that quite literally. Today we took a field trip to the shit farm in Stony Brook. It really had to be one of the more unpleasant experiences of my life. In additon we had another lovely fire drill. Three Village never ceases to amaze me- apparently they didn't feel the need to fix the glitch in the fire alarm system yesterday when it went off four times. That's not enough to get a repairman into Ward Melville... so today it goes off and continued to ring softly all day- but just loud enough so you could hear it when your teacher wasn't talking. I'm thinking that may have caused my headache today. But! There is a positive, I took a nice nap as soon as I got home today to get rid of it. Then I went off to babysit for 2 hours- not so much fun. As I said before, I saw an unhealthy amount of spongebob while i was there. But the most unsettling thing about that, was that after two hours of Spongebob- all I could think of was Stephanie. Somehow SB reminds me of SC.. they make similar noises and faces. Little odd. And if I got nickelodeon this might persuade me to watch this show- but i don't- maybe i'll just have to babysit more often. ANYWAYYYYY...

I guess the whole reason I started writing this was because I got to thinking about people just being themselves. I think the world would be a much better place if there was no such thing as a facade- or if everyone acted according to their feelings. To be quite honest, I guess this thought was provoked by one person- but I think it really applies to everyone. I mean- think about it... if everyone was just blatantly honest and put their feelings out there, despite how hard it would be... we wouldn't sit here constantly wondering "what if?" or "does he like me?" we'd just know.

Ok that's about as profound as I get, and it isn't even much. Anyway- I am looking forward to another day full of cutting with Stephanie, I'll just comment here and say that I strongly recommend cutting to everyone, my week has gone so fast!

current mood: pensive
current music: 50 Cent- Candy Shop

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Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
7:56 pm - Oh The Tangled Web We Weave
Haha- so today/last night has got to be one of the most confusing experiences of my life. I feel like I have been talked in circles, and once things finally start falling into place in my head- they get all twisted around again. I guess all I have to say is that it's a little disappointing. When it boils down to it- i have decided that all guys are asses and now matter how good they seem they'll all eventually hurt you. Call me a pessimist but... come on. Maybe i just have a bad track record. Ok i know- bad subject, i shouldn't be talking about track records hahaha. This blurty thing is kind of interesting, i feel like i am writing a column for sex and the city. Ok- so new feelings.. i think that this kid is fucked up, and i'd love to say it to him, but that would be feeding into everything that he already thinks about himself. And i don't necessarily think that he is always fucked up, just this once. I can't imagine being in his position. Sucks for him, i guess i wound up in the better spot? Oh well- that is what i am telling myself to make myself feel better.


xoxo

current mood: confused

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Tuesday, March 15th, 2005
7:41 pm - 2 Down 3 To Go
Alright, it's Tuesday night... and not too exciting, haha. We've got three more days of this. But! Today started off nicely, I woke up and signed online as usual, talked to aaron a bit, got ready and next thing i know it was time to go.. i had my bag in hand and all of a sudden my phone rings and Crazypants offers to drive me to my car! How hot? So then she and I drove to school.. I was behind her of course as she proceeded to haul ass down lower sheep (doing 50 in a 30). Then... 6 hours of boringness, nothing of interest to repot in school other than the fact that I got to go to Wendys, which is always good. Then I came home and hung out with Lauren, dropped mom off at work and ran some errands. Stephanie and i got in a fight and abruptly hung up on the phone.. but we're talking now which is good. <- we'll discuss. Anyway! I got to go to the bank before it closed, i learned that it does actually close at 6 which is much more convenient than it closing at 4 like i had thought. So then my mom and I went to Taco Bell for a gourmet dinner, and I am sitting here now. As I said, nothing of too much interest! Oh oh oh, i also realized that i have now had 83 visits by my frequent viewer ::cough cough:: just thought that that was kind of funny.

current mood: lazy

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Monday, March 14th, 2005
9:20 pm - Cheers.
Ok- so here goes my first journal entry. I'm not necessarily doing this by choice. More like my life was threatened by miss stephanie if i didn't make one. So here it is. Today was my first day of driving to school, pretty uneventful... then i went out on a long and painful job hunt. I really feel like everything should be free, the world could be such a great place then haha... but then i guess there is no incentive to work, well I don't really understand that incentive now anyway. After such an eventful day I drove myself home to sit around with Dr. Phil, my new afternoon entertainment. I tune in everyday.. i highly recommend. Anyway.. that's about it. Maybe I'll write again tomorrow.. we'll see how this whole journal business goes.

current mood: indifferent

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