Blurty for Day of the Dead Girl.
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| Thursday, December 18th, 2003 |
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The smell of bleach makes me think of my grandmother. She bleached her hair once a month for longer than I lived. She never was able to rid herself of the smell of bleach. Stingy scary smelly bitch. she died in a hospital with tubes running throughout her carcass. My mother never wanted me. She wanted money more than she wanted me. I don't need to explain it do I? The bleach and the sound of my grandmother's breathing haunt me to this day. When I attempt to think about anything else, the first day I stayed at my grandmother's house plays in my head. The sound grew closer and I sat huddled in my bed. I did not want to see what it was but I had to. Not knowing was far worse than anything that I could see. I wanted this over. Please. Come and get me you bastard. I need to know. What comes out of your closet in the hours before dawn? What needs to display itself before the sun's sanity fills us all with false security? I don't want to know, but I need to. Come for me. I dont want to hear you any more. I need to scape my bloodclot clean of your words. Get out of my mind. You aren't my mother anymore. I walk out of the door with two extra arms, bleeding from my sides. |
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Hands drift across soft warm flesh. She loves everyone more than you. But for now she belongss to you, to do with as you please. Pleasure or pain is the question you won't ask. You only give and she only takes. She wanted to go away. She wanted to act like nothing had changed. You didn't need to hear those words from those lips. It isn't you'r fault. she knew what she was doing when she said those words. Dont lie to yourself. You Know she knew it all along. She knew it before you even sensed it. She was always trying to hurt you. Always picking, always trying to get through your armor. But now it's over. The armor is gone. Believe it. You did it finally. What you always needed. She gave it to you and you took it all. Clean it up. Tell no one. They can't see through your lies. |
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| Saturday, November 1st, 2003 |
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It happened again. This one was not my fault. She kept calling me on the phone. All that ringing. She wanted me to buy things, I refused and excused myself. She called again today. I told her to leave me alone. She kept speaking over my voice. I hate loud mouths that try to talk over you. I threatened her. She pretended fear and hung up. I know she will call again. I killed my cat. It was in on the telemarketing sceame. It was laughing at me. I went over too it and it ignored me. I stomped on its head. The damn thing made a lot of mess. I didn't know something so small could bleed so much. I should have bought a goldfish. They are more respectful. Cats live too long anyway. I listened and heard the phone ring again. I picked it up warrily. It was my mother. She told me lies I saw easily through. I remembered how the food was always cold when I reached the table. It was intentional. I sent a curse to her over the phone. It was a good curse demons would raise and feast on her remains for years. The suffering would be unbarable. That's what she deserves. One time in my life I wanted my beans not to be cold. Never. I followed up the curse by going to her house and blowing it up. I mean come on here be realistic. Curses can be unpredictable things. I saw the demons come to the house next door and take a teenage girl. Curses have minds of there own, and I wanted to make sure it worked out okay. Have you ever heard the scream of a burning house? It's beautiful. I might have to do some sort of penace for the house. I feel bad about it. Just another victim caught in the crossfire. If you are going to go to the trouble of cooking me a meal do it right. I hate cold food. The phone called so I let it ring. Phones don't bother me much. |
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| Wednesday, October 29th, 2003 |
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I sat in my car and cried. Yet again I had fucked something good up. When will I learn? They don't want to hear my inner truths. They are lies anyway. i need to learn to go along. I need learn to belong. I don't want to be so outcast. No one cares about your thoughts. They are so unnecessary. I sat in my car and wept for the relationship gone because my flaws. I am in the parking lot of some grocery store. I have forgotten where. I look around. I am alone. A young couple pulls into the parking lot. The pull into a space and get out. They look so at ease with one another. They hold hands as they walk to the doors. Rage surges through me. Why is this so easy for everyone else? Why doesn't everyone feel as bad as I do? I wish for once someone would hold my hand as we walked together. I am the girl no one says is their girlfriend. I am the one they are embarrassed to be seen in public with. I am the one who is only good to fuck in quiet. The lights are off when I fuck. You don't want your friends to know you like such a loser. I am fucked because it is so easy to lie to me. I am so desperate. I sit and dwell in my self pity for a while. I turn the car on again, and notice the pretty young couple come out of the store. They look so unaware of everything but themselves. I hate them. They have something I never will have. I want to show them pain. They probably have never known true emotion like me. I stomp to gas and go straight for them. The look on their faces when the realize reality is priceless. My car slams into them and they fall down. I kept driving away. Blood soaked flesh screams. I do not look back. A couple days later I take the car to the auto shop. The mechanic seems to be in a laughing mood. "You sure are an unlucky one. I don't think I have seen anyone hit this many deer's in a year." he laughed. "Maybe you shouldn't drive anymore. This is the third,fourth one this year?" "I just seem to be a magnet for misfortune, I guess," "Maybe you should stay in the city more often, ya know. Less deer for you there." "Maybe. More cars too. People have more accidents there too." |
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A sudden violent impulse made me turn. This man has been following me for years. Everywhere I look there he is. I told him to go away. He laughed at me. I begged him to stop. He laughed more. In a fit of rage I threw myself in fornt of a speeding car. You should have seen the splatter. I was alone for once. I opened my eyes at the funeral and there he was paying his last repests to my corpse. I screamed and jumped out of my coffin. I miss the fake silk lining. People screamed and ran. I approached the man. We looked at one another. "Goodbye" he said. He sat down on a church pew and went to sleep. I went into hysterics. What would my life be without him? I need the constant torment his face brought me. I tore apart the church and fell to the floor weeping. I got bored with that and laid back down in my coffin. It has nice fake silk lining. I am dead. I refuse to move anymore. The man woke up. He went over to the coffin and sighed. He really did need to buy some toilet paper. |
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| Tuesday, October 28th, 2003 |
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They walk by me without knowing at all. Some of them notice a smell, but they brush it off as bad hygine. No one really wants to know. I wander among them without any fear. My fear has rotten away as well. They don't know I want to kill all of them. They don't know that the site of humans makes me gag. I respect the ones that kill and get away with it. I loathe the Damners, the Geins, the Mansons. If you are good at your craft you dont get caught. Murder isn't hard when everyone waits to die. Some only understand that they will die because someone they know died before them. Their slow minds need such a large push for them to get it. I have wanted to kill someone since i was a child. I probably never will. My rage breaks at every invsion of my space. I hear someone laugh and i go insane. I do not want to hear your voice. I do not want to see you. I sure as fuck don't want to know you. What would be the point? You are just like everyone else. You are not different. You are not special. If I had the money i would live in a house somewhere in a forest. I would pretend I was the only one left. But that wouldn't really be enough. I would knowthe truth. i don't want to cower in some small hole. I want to watch the end. I know I will never see it. So many have wished for the end, but it never comes. I hear a woman crying through the thin apartment walls. I don't want to help her, I want her to shut up. I don't feel any sympothy for morans who put themselves in bad situations. Cry to antother. I don't care. When he kills you, I'll just laugh. Stupid people deserve what they get. Help yourself. |
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| moooooooaaaaaaan. | ||
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Blurty for Day of the Dead Girl.
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