Colleen's journal

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Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
8:33 am - :o/
ok yesterday something happened..something that was kinda sudden and i didnt know how to deal with it exactly...i really didn't respond to the person which probably made them feel like i was ignoring them or suttin cuz later they wrote lifes a bitch on their profile..the thing i didn't like most about it is that the person told one of my best friends and didnt tell me.. i really wish people were more forward with these things than to tell other people besides me.. maybe the person thought that they didnt need to tell me cuz my friend was doin the talkin for them.. i really dont like that in a person and don't find it attractive.. so now i feel bad cuz i didnt wanna hurt the persons feelings and i dont know if the person is hurt or not..ok so i come home and i have a email from my friend and its something on the persons profile.. i kinda was like oh this isnt me and shit and i didnt believe it.. im kinda stuck in something that i dont know if i wanna be involved with...life sucks :o/

current mood: blank
current music: brass in pocket | the pretenders
2 lies ][ tell me what i want to hear
Friday, June 20th, 2003
11:20 am - A Test
survey --
baSiC infOrmAtiOn --
name;Colleen
nicknames;CC ween
b-day; 05/29
location; New Jersey
height; five / FIVE
number; 2
siblings; older sis, n younger bro

laSt pErsOn --
you touched; shhh...it's a secret
you talked to; John. F
you hugged; my mom
you IMed; Lyndz
you yelled at; muh sis

havE yOu / dO yOu --
considered a life of crime; no
considered being a hooker; nahh
considered being a pimp; nope
are you psycho; uhh ..noo
split personalities; uhh ..nahh
schizophrenic; nOpe
obsessive; shOppinq
obsessive compulsive; no
panic; always
anxiety; once in awhiLe
depressed; depends on what happened recently
suicidal; helL nOo
obsessed with hate; no
understanding; i try to be
open-minded; Yep
arrogant; yesh
insecure; at times
entertaining; yuppz
hungry; yep
friendly; i like to think so
smart; depends
moody; yesh
childish; sumtimez
independent; um...sumtimez
hard working; sometimes
organized; sometimes
healthy; yesh
emotionally stable; yesh
shy; sumtimez
difficult; can be at times
complex; in a childish way
attractive; helLz yeh
bored easily; yes
thirsty; ALWAYZ
responsible; dependz
sad; nO
happy; yesh!
trusting; sumtimez
talkative; i can be :/
original - hellsz yeh
different; sumtimez
lonely; no
dyed ur hair; yesh
piercings; ears
tattoos; nope
floss daily; lol....uh yea!
ever get off the darn computer; uhh no lol
sprechen sie deutsche; LOL i dunno what that means
habla espanol; in school..LOL

cuRrEntLy --
clothes;
white silky pants,belly shirt(white),(small)hoop ear rings,and nike sandals
mood; tired [yawn]
taste; mt dew
hair; down
annoyance; myself
smell; forget me no
thing you ought to be doing; sLeepinq.. lol
desktop picture; cherries
favorite group; B2K
book; I dont read
dvd in player; best of american idol
refreshment; DEFINENTLY PEPSI!
worry; relationships....
song; lil kim~Jump off
celebrity; BRITNEY SPEARS
food; Pizza
drink; PEPSI!
color; pink, white
shoes; Sandals
candy; reeses pieces butter cups
tv show; Friends
movie; Lilo and Stitch
vegetable; dont eat
fruit; Bannas (lol)
long or short hair; medium
dark or blonde hair; medium
mr.sensitive or mr.funny; sesitive
good guy or bad guy; good GIRL @heart
dark or light eyes; changes colors
hat or no hat; nO hat
pierced or no; no
freckles or none on a guy; dependz
stubble or neatly shaved; neatly shaved
rugged outdoorsy type or sporty type; sporty

prEfeRenCes --
chocolate milk or hot chocolate; hot chocolate
mcdonalds or burger king; mickey ds
marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend; lover
sweet or sour; sweet
root beer or dr. pepper; dr. pepper
sappy // action // comedy // horror; sappy'cOmedy
cats or dogs; puppies
ocean or pool; either
cool ranch or nacho cheese; cool ranch
mud or jell-0 wrestling; jell-0
with or without ice-cubes; with
shine or rain; shine
winter // summer // spring // fall; spring, summer
vanilla or chocolate; vanilLa
gloves or mittens; gloves
eyes opened or closed; open
fly or breathe under water; fly
bunk bed or water bed; water bed
chewing gum or hard candy; gum
motor boat or sailboat; depends.
lights on or off; depends
chicken or fish; NEITHER

yOuR fAvOritE --
number; 2
holiday; my birfday
radio station; Z100, 102.7, 97.5, 107.5
place; malL
flower; lilys
scent; tommy hilfiger, forget me not, nething that smells good (of course!)

current mood: happy
current music: listenin to people talk, IT'S THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!
2 lies ][ tell me what i want to hear
Tuesday, June 10th, 2003
1:02 pm - Hey
NOTTIN REALLY NEW. I HAVE FINALS SOON. THEN NO MORE SCHOOL! ! ! THANK GOD. I STILL HATE HECTOR AT WORK HE IS AN A HOLE. BUT I LOVE JENNA AND AMBER ( EVEN THOUGH WE DONT TOGETHER). ERIN I CANT WAIT TILL JEFF COMES DOWN.

current mood: stressed
current music: Justin Timberlake "Rock your body"
6 lies ][ tell me what i want to hear
Friday, June 6th, 2003
1:07 pm - Only one quiz not enough time to do more
These tests know me too well! ! !


You wanna kill Avril
Avril Lavigne, she's a disgrace to your kind.


What annoying Celebrity would you most likely wanna kill?
brought to you by Quizilla

current mood: annoyed
current music: I wanna leave early for the prom too! ! !
tell me what i want to hear
Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
12:59 pm - I want to be in your list for 1,000 kissez
The white walls glare at me as I sit here with my thoughts, their apparent purity delving into the darkest regions of my soul. A black monstrosity of a coat hangs drying on a door to nowhere. The omnipresent cries of electric guitars are silent, but the power button on the stereo glows like a Cyclops' eye. The only sounds are my pen scratching on paper, and the faint toll of a distant bell ringing in my ears.

A thousand thoughts race throught my mind, thoughts of love and lust. Of my actions during the day, and throughout my life. Of the path not strictly adhered to, most likely the narrow one. Of all the love I should have shown. Of all the biting names and fake threats. Of my life and my destruction of my self.

I know I am forgiven, but my mind toils for why. I mean, I know He loves me but why me? The Jester, the jerk, sometimes filled with my own righteousness, not often enough his. I put myself on a pedestal, but one shaky enough to be felled by the word written in meditation. It's raining now, pattering on the roof, every drop could be Christ's blood, here to save all my screw ups. Here a lie, there a promise I never had intention to keep. Under there a friend's joy turned to jealousy in my heart.

Hey, tomorrow is another day. Maybe I'll take the straight and narrow instead of a tangent off of it. Maybe for one day I won't drive a nail into my best friend's wrist. A friend I never deserved in the first place, and more importantly died for me. Maybe tomorrow... just maybe.

current mood: bitchy
tell me what i want to hear
Tuesday, June 3rd, 2003
12:48 pm
Saw this on someone's journal and had to take it....
hello my name is ________.
i ________ colleen.
colleen is _______.
me + colleen are _______.
i wish me + colleen were ______.
if i were alone in a room with colleen, i would _______.
i want colleen to know that i __________.
i think colleen should _________.
colleen needs to _________.
i want to ____________ colleen.
someday colleen will ________.
colleen reminds me of _______.
without colleen i would _______.
memories of colleen are ________.
colleen can be a __________.
the worst thing about colleen is _________.
the best thing about colleen is _________.
i am ________ with colleen.
--x0x-- CoL

P.S. for all of those who don't know what to do with it you *copy ~n~ paste* it then put it into where you comment n fill in the blanks. . . DON'T FORGET TO INCLUDE YOUR NAME!

current mood: energetic
current music: nuttin don't feel like it
3 lies ][ tell me what i want to hear
Friday, May 30th, 2003
12:58 pm - A Touching Foward
My husband was an engineer. Since I met him, he was always an unflappable rock in my life. I knew he always had his feet firmly planted on the ground, and it seemed that no matter what else went crazy, he would be the one constant.

Three years of romance, and two years of marriage later, I got tired. He was the most unromantic man I know. He never bought me flowers, he never surprised me, and nothing changed in our marriage.

After some time, I finally found the courage to tell him that I wanted to leave him. He just sat there, speechless. My heart froze... what kind of man was I married to that didn't even know what to say to make me stay?

After a while, he spoke, "What can I do to change your mind?". "I will stay if you can give me a good answer to this question," I replied coldly.

"If I asked for a flower that grew on a cliff, and you knew that getting it for me means certain death, would you get it for me?". His face grew troubled.

"Can I give you an answer tomorrow morning?" he asked. Hearing that kind of answer, my heart died. I knew that I could never be happy with a man who couldn't even give me a answer straight away.

The next morning, when I woke up, he was missing. In the living room, under a warm glass of milk, was a note. My eyes grew misty as I read it...

"Dear, I have my answer. I will never pick the flower for you if it meant certain death. But before you leave, I hope you can give me a chance to give you my reasons....

You will always sit in front of the?computer and type about for the whole day, but every time you will end up in tears cause your formatting will always go all over the place... I need my fingers, to do the formatting for you, so your tears will become smiles.

You like to travel, but would always get lost... I need my eyes, so that I can bring you to the nicest places on earth.

Every time you leave the house, you would always forget your keys... I need my legs, so that I can run home to open the door for you.

You never knew how to take care of yourself... I need my hands to help you to trim your nails, to feed you.

So you see, that's why I can't pick the flower for you. Until I find someone who loves you more than I do, I will need my body to take care of you.

If you accept my reasons, then open the door, where I will be waiting with your favorite muffin."

With tears streaming from my eyes, I opened the door, and there he stood, with a extremely worried look on his face. He still had nothing to say, but just stood there waving the packet he had in his hand in front of me. And then I knew for a fact that I will never find another man who! will ever love me as much as he does.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have...

current mood: loved
current music: nuttin im in school
1 lie ][ tell me what i want to hear
Thursday, May 29th, 2003
1:08 pm
So, you want to know my story, huh? Well, I don't know why you want to hear it. It's just like any other twenty-something's story. But, if you want to hear it, I guess I could tell you. I mean, if we want to start things off right, you need to know that my dad was in the military and we moved around a lot. My mom, well, she's a nurse and sometimes she loves it, but sometimes she hates it. I have a little sister too. Her name's Caitlyn. She's nine years younger than me so we don't always connect like other siblings do.
I was born in a little Georgia town called Doerun; don't worry if you haven't heard of it, not many people have. I'll never live there again. That's one thing I know for sure, not that I lived there that long as it is. When I was just one year old, my daddy entered air force basic training and that was pretty much the end of our time in Doerun. Of course, we still went back for visits. I mean, my extended family, on both sides, lives in that little po' dunk town. Not my parents though. Thankfully, they had the foresight to get out while they could. Anyways, back to the point. My daddy entered basic and soon we were off to Valdosta, Ga. I don't remember much of it, i was only a few years old at the time, but I did start kindergarten there. We didn't stay there long enough for me to finish school though. Actually, we moved in the middle of my kindergarten year.
When we left Valdosta, we ended up in Panama City. We stayed there for two and a half years, and then the military decided that my dad needed to go overseas. They were sending him on a remote to Iceland. By this time, my mom had found out that she was pregnant with my little sister and there was no way in hell she was going to Iceland. So, my mom and I ended up back in Doerun, staying with my grandparents. I was in third grade by this time, but I still don't have any memories or experiences that would stand out as extraordinary. I remember my first day of school, and crying because I didn't know anyone there and no one seemed to want to talk to me. I remember my best friend was a girl named Tess. Tess always looked so much older than me and she was the only third grade girl that had breasts. Most people thought she at least in middle school. Aside from our physical differences, her and I were stuck like glue throughout the whole year. I remember the end of the year pool party and how I begged my mom for a new, sparkly bathing suit. I didn't think she had gotten it, but then, when I got off the bus, I found it laying on my bed, just waiting to be worn. My mom is like though, she'll surprise you when you leats expect it. I remember my sister being born and the way that my dad and I fought over her middle name. I won in the end of course. Who could disagree with a nine year old child? And so, that's how my sister came to be named Caitlyn Nicole.
After my dad's time in Iceland ended, we moved back to Panama City. As luck would have it, none of my friends from the previous time were still there. Being military kids as well, they had all gone off to new bases and places. It didn't take me too long to make new friends. As a matter of fact, three girls took my under their wing the first day that I got there. Daphne, Jennilee, and Paula became my best friends and together, we were affectionately called the "pea pod" by our teacher. These same girls remained my friends throughout the fourth grade year and into the fifth, even when they decided that I was "gifted" and moved me into a different classroom. When middle school came around and we ended up split into different schools, this was the time that we finally lost touch and the pea pod was finally split open.
The middle school that I attended was different from every single one of my friends. We had switched school districts in my fifth grade year and I was forced to attend my correct middle school. Let me tell you, I hated it at first. I didn't have many friends aside from a set of twins and one other girl. Sixth grade was horrible for me. Thankfully, seventh and eighth grade got much better. My best friend was Brook Smith, and together we tackled everything from drama to boyfriends. At this time, a new boy also moved into my neighborhood. It was kind of dorky, but he was nice enough. His name was Paul and he became one of my closest friends. He moved away during eighth grade and our friendship, well, let's just say that it has not stayed the same.
By the end of eighth grade, I thought I had finally found my place. I started to really enjoy my school, I had made many more friends, I was doing great in band and in drama, and my grades were excellent. Of course, it couldn't stay like that. My dad decided to cross-train into another career field and during the summer, we had to move to California.
California! Of all places, we had to move to California. It was all the way on the other coast and of course everyone that lived there was snotty and stuck-up. I did not want to move to California in the least.
tell me what i want to hear
12:48 pm - Happy Birthday To Me
Hey guys... sup? nada lotta here....Juss today is my birthday......yahhhhhh....SWEET 16 ! ! ! omg...my parents n my lil bro are amazing. . . I got a $50.00 shopping spree from my parets, and my lil bro gave me $2.00 so i told him that we would share it n buy candy for our room so we could sneak it [lol]i love him. . .he also bought me the cutest card ever. . . i will never throw it out! My sweet 16 party is on June 22, like a lil less than a month after my birthday, but it's alrite. . .

WOW! ! ! today in school i wore capri pants that i was going to throw out, and my sister made me ask my friends to sign them. . ."Sweet 16 is a once in a lifetime enjoyment" Today is going to be a great day! ! !

Why do bitches in my school have to be so ignornat? ! ? !
You do things your way and i do my things my way
Just 'cause you dont like the way im doin my pants, does it look like i give a fuck? ! ? !
NOPE! ! ! ! !
You fuccin don't make a difference to me, i dont like you and thank god you don't like me!

well later on 2nite i have to go to my lil bros boat racing contest so that should be fun 1st place babie! ! !
my mom told me to pick what i wanted for dinnder. . . then in the next breathe she says either McDonald's or Burger King. . .[i want the birthday crown]i'll let my lil bro pick. . .she also said that i coud get supersized so im excited bout that cause i'm never allowed to get it. . .(that's a lot of fries babie)

this morning i got fone calls from my family
Gramps: Sang happy birthday n wished me a good day n best wishes he'll call me again later on 2nite [he wanted to be the first one to call (and he was)]
Gram: Wished me a happy birthday but was running late so she said she was going to call me back later on 2nite
Nana: Missed me at home so then she called my dad's cell, wished me a happy birthday, and might come to visit me this weekend (depends on how she is feeling(old age))
well there aint much more. . .i will probably update later on 2nite cause i don't have much more to say now. . .

current mood: hyper
current music: "I'm Glad" JLo
2 lies ][ tell me what i want to hear
12:33 pm - Happy Birthday To Me
Hey guys... sup? nada lotta here....Juss today is my birthday......yahhhhhh....SWEET 16 ! ! ! omg...my parents n my lil bro are amazing. . . I got a $50.00 shopping spree from my parets, and my lil bro gave me $2.00 so i told him that we would share it n buy candy for our room so we could sneak it [lol]i love him. . .he also bought me the cutest card ever. . . i will never throw it out! My sweet 16 party is on June 22, like a lil less than a month after my birthday, but it's alrite. . .

WOW! ! ! today in school i wore capri pants that i was going to throw out, and my sister made me ask my friends to sign them. . ."Sweet 16 is a once in a lifetime enjoyment" Today is going to be a great day! ! !

Why do bitches in my school have to be so ignornat? ! ? !
You do things your way and i do my things my way
Just 'cause you dont like the way im doin my pants, does it look like i give a fuck? ! ? !
NOPE! ! ! ! !
You fuccin don't make a difference to me, i dont like you and thank god you don't like me!

well later on 2nite i have to go to my lil bros boat racing contest so that should be fun 1st place babie! ! !
my mom told me to pick what i wanted for dinnder. . . then in the next breathe she says either McDonald's or Burger King. . .i'll let my lil bro pick. . .she also said that i coud get supersized so im excited bout that cause i'm never allowed to get it. . .(that's a lot of fries babie)

this morning i got fone calls from some my family
Gramps: Sang happy birthday n wished me a good day n best wishes he'll call me again later on 2nite [he wanted to be the first one to call (and he was)]
Gram: Wished me a happy birthday but was running late so she said she was going to call me back later on 2nite
Nana: Missed me at home so then she called my dad's cell, wished me a happy birthday, and might come to visit me this weekend (depends on how she is feeling(old age))
well there aint much more. . .i will probably update later on 2nite cause i don't have much more to say now. . .

current mood: hyper
current music: "I'm Glad" JLo
tell me what i want to hear
12:28 pm - not sure
... it's easier to jus go to sleep and forget everything then stay awake and face the reality of me...

current mood: blank
current music: no music
tell me what i want to hear
Tuesday, May 27th, 2003
5:15 pm - Some stuff i found n some i wrote :)
If you're going my way, I'll walk with you.Should I smile, Cuz ur my friend, Or cry..Cuz that's all we'll ever be?No guy is worth your tears & when you find one that is, he won't make you cry. Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again....skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts!Everyone says you only fall in love once but thats not true, everytime I hear your voice I fall in love all over againIf you love someone put their name in a circle not a heart, a heart can be broken but a circle goes on forever



QuEsTiOnS:
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
If a fly didn't have wings and couldn't fly, would it be called a walk?
Why isn't there any ham in a hamburger?


DiD yOu kNoW...
It was once a law to say "God bless you" to the person who sneezed.
An espresso has less caffeine than a cup of coffee.
Hershey's Kisses got their name because the machine that makes them looks like it'skissing the conveyer belt.


I KNOW YOU LIKE THEM DON'T BE JEALOUS. . . .

wow a lot of entries in one day. . . you can tell i was pretty bored. . . [lol]

ONLY 15 MINUTES LEFT N I GET TO GO HOME


2NITE MY LIL BRO JOSEPH GETS TO READ HIS POEM CAUSE HE GOT 1ST PLACE FOR THE POEM WRITING CONTEST FROM PRE-K TO 2ND GRADE. . . 2 MORE DAYZ! ! !
tell me what i want to hear
1:53 pm - Found this on the internet
"Although new episode will continue to air into 2003, Lizzie McGuire the TV series has ended production, wrapping up its last episode in mid-June 2002. The Disney Channel has had a policy for many years which limits the number of episodes produced for their TV series to 65. So from the beginning, Lizzie wasn't intended to last for longer than that. (That's why it's not exactly accurate to say it's being canceled. It's ending production.) But when word of this got around, fans of the show (including TV Tome users) raised such a fuss that Disney began to consider extending the run of the TV show past the 65-episode limit."


THAT MAKES ME SO SAD I LOVE THAT SHOW. . .I WATCH IT ALMOST EVERYNITE WEN I HAVE TIME. . . :(

current mood: dorky
tell me what i want to hear
9:41 am - QUIZZES IM BORED N AT MY FATHERS JOB :(
strawberry condom



You Are A Strawberry Flavored Condom!


Sweet, funky, and even a little bitter at times.

You're tasty enough to be popular, yet freaky enough to be unique.

Sometimes you get a little nasty in bed... but nothing too extreme!



What Flavor Condom Are *You*?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva



tiffany



Your Stripper Name is Tiffany!


You're a wild stripper... in fact, too wild for most clubs.

When you're not at the raunchiest strip club in town, you take your act to private parties.

You strip and do all sorts of crazy tricks at bachelor parties, driving the guys wild.

Games, lesbian shows, and even a little handjob action are all a part of your routine.

You just want to have fun - and get paid to do it.

Chances are you'll outgrow this stripper thing eventually, or become a hardcore porn star!





What's *Your* Stripper Name?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva



*~*ILL DO MORE LATER*~*

current mood: bitchy
current music: Z100
tell me what i want to hear
Tuesday, May 20th, 2003
9:16 pm - B L A H . . . B L A H . . . B L A H . . .
A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has their phone number in their address book.
A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it. (This has to be the best one...Been)
A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.
A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you HAVE an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight.
A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you!

current mood: flirty
current music: Z100's 9 at 9
1 lie ][ tell me what i want to hear
12:46 pm - Some quizzes since there aint nuttin else to do!




What type of underwear would YOU be?

.






which smilie are you?




what kind of junkie are you?



I only go on line to check out sites i like to see and if any of my friends are on!

BRITNEY SPEARS' NEW CD IS COMMING OUT SOON! ! !

current mood: bouncy
current music: nuttin
tell me what i want to hear
Tuesday, May 13th, 2003
12:44 pm - Bored. . .
Some Quizzes im bored. . .
I know you like my mood :)



See what Care Bear you are.


kiss my ass2
congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


beautiful
You are...Beautiful. You think you're perfect the
way you are, and you're right.


Which Christina Aguilera song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

*4 kissez 3 hugz 2 fingaz 1 luv*

current mood: horny
current music: nuttin im in school
3 lies ][ tell me what i want to hear
Friday, May 9th, 2003
1:05 pm - Nuttin. . .
Woke up and realized this world's not so bad after all
Looked at it through a child's eyes, and I saw these beautiful
Things that you never think about
Like the ocean, moonlight, stars and clouds
It's amazing how we don't appreciate our blessings
There's plenty of people who don't like me
But since there are more who love me and I love myself
Sometimes, it gets tough, it gets tough
But I can't give up, can't give up
Just take a deep breath, close my eyes
Feel the love and give a smile

i think imma be arite..



Can't wait till 9th period we're getting pizza, and only for getting a question that some guy asked us...lol...yummy yummy!

And this whole weekend im going to be home alone wit my lil bro cause my parents r goin out, and my gram will be at my aunts house, and my sister will be commin home like for a few then go back to college, but its going to be fun. If i need nething my 2nd mom told me i can always go to her house, so i might take Joseph there for awhile and talk to Donna for awhile, and tell her all my dumb problems...lol...I love talking to her, she makes me feel better. so basically i will be updating maybe all weekend, only if i have nuttin to do, which i hope i will... 2nitee im goin out to see X Men 2 (hopefully it will be good, i heard it was ok)

Bell's goin to ring
tell me what i want to hear
Friday, May 2nd, 2003
3:01 pm - Blank. . .
Hey guys sup? nada lotta here..waiting for this last period to be over, so i could go home n go to bed. Damn i am so fuccin tired. I had plans to go to the movies tonight but noooo my mom is such a loser!I can't go cause i came inside late from playing wit my lil bro outisde, and he was goin to be later for his farm league game..., but he wasn't late. so i got fuccin punished for nuttn!

Then no i think im grounded for like a long time cause my closet had some of my clothes on the foor. See but it only had that cause i didn't have enough time to clean up...

lalalalalala. . . .

I'm so fuccin bored, and i don't feel like doing the extra credit spanish work!

Well im out im still bored and i want to search the web!
Or maybe not. . .?

I know i don't make sense. . .

<3 always and forever,
Col
xoxo
xoxo

P.Ss I hope that Claire and i are still going to stay best friends, but im not sure 'cause i think she knows how i feel, but then again the more i think about it i don't think she cares. . .


BUT I <3 HER NEWAYZ! ! !

current mood: bitchy
current music: nuttin in the fuccin library doin nuttin. . .
tell me what i want to hear
Thursday, May 1st, 2003
12:47 pm - um. . .
every time you think you're walking
you're just moving theground.
modest mouse
Greet everyone with goodbye.

i can feel you breathe even through that grave necktie
i can even see the scent of your breath
float in the air above me
hinting of all the soft kisses i let escape
from your lips.

me in my ready stance
turned away and shaken
i can see these eyes begin to roll
i can see the discerning glances from a mile away
and i just want to run
i just want to escape this all and find the sea
i want to see you again.
my silent one
my tragic angel

our souls have been sold
but i do not fit in this mould
a nation founded on lies
chokes the world but we will rise
i won't sit back
and watch the world crack as it dies
we need to realize and admit
that this is not about justice
now everybody plead for the world
to get off it's fucking knees
and scream-

they sell us lies but we will not subside
they sell us sides but we will not divide
they pull wool over our eyes but we've still cried
they've sold our lives but at least we tried

look up to the sky
tell your god you will not submit
to all this sadistic bullshit
and ask yourself why
you are constantly fed this lie
that other people have to die so you can live your life
no ask yourself why-

they sell us lies but we will not subside
they sell us sides but we will not divide
they pull wool over our eyes but we've still cried
they've sold our lives but at least we tried


in skin

inscriptions on my palms;
i just can't seem to replace
and the winter songs that ripple through the glass that cascades up their backs
seems to melt and float away
in packs, twisting and making their way to the crest of great unknowing
i can see a reflection in this shifting body
in this ocean that now surrounds us
it twists and is massacred by each piece.
tiny lacerations cover the rippling reflection
as i pass by
and i pass by
reflection, reflection
this glittering mass haunts me in mirrors
in opposite universes as i react slowly to oncoming traffic and hope for the best just know this
just know this loss, this startled look on my face
as i parade by looking for myself but only seeing my body.
i can only shake this bitter glance
and walk on to better things, things that might embrace me.
like cluttered rocks on scraps of paper that emphasize the truth about our lives and try to cut us with jagged spines and rape us with rough edges and smooth covers

why can't this image release me from it's haunting grasp
it will become frantic
i will become what ever...

everything must come together.
eat yourself
how far could you go?
how long could you hold this pause
this can only affect you if you can see me.
time to pick a new medium
time to come up slowly for air and quickly run my fingers through your hair
a new existence that won't hurt me.
i'll hurt it.
i need to do that
i'll dive into this bottomless space
i'll retreat to my circular form and look at the inside of myself
only to see that translucent orange sky that forms on the inside of eyelids when they cover eyes.




walking unseen through this rain
i can feel no pain
i see lights blur as i pick my feet
up off the street and i say:
this should be
something everyone should see
and i can't believe
this could ever happen to me

my reflection bleeds
into the street and i can
feel the rain blanketing me
anonymously and all i can
feel is the shivering rays
of the moon pull me into the street.

"One all-extending, all-preserving should / Connects each being, greatest with the least; / Made beast in aid of man, and man of beast; / All served, all serving! nothing stands alone; / The chain holds on, and where it ends, unknown."
- Alexander Pope


Walking through a forest surrounded by trees, the soft sounds, and the untouched nature of the unique environment that surrounds us, we feel somewhat connected;
like the roots of the trees are somehow reaching through the ground into our feet and all the way up to our minds inviting us to be an extension of it.
I can only hope to be a part of this beauty;
this natural occurrence that astounds me constantly
it is all around us, although it is scarred by our hands
clumsily applying geometry to the dusky variegated canvas that surrounds us
we can see it in those rivers that seem to stare at us from afar
crying streams and rivers that provide life
its sadness scars the land and leaves it torn and susceptible to disaster
it's a wonder the tears don't drip off the edge of the earth
into nothing...
the immortal hand seems to reach to the earth's underbelly
and hold the drooping earth up
as if to say that everything is circular
everything is contained
everything is infinite.
the earth has spilled its tears sordidly across its skin.
to moisturize, it seems, the cracked and dry skin that we have clear-cut
and so clumsily discarded for our own endeavors.
a egocentric poet once said:
what were thou, and earth, and stars, and sea / If to the human mind's imaginings / Silence and solitude were vacancy?
do we really believe this?
i can't.

what was once full of deep meaning
seems to have surfaced
i don't know if i can see it's meaning any better
((when it's looking me right in the eyes))

i think i used to look too closely anyways.
i was always reminded that
i think too much
i see no other state to be in
than a constant state of thought.

every motion anyone made was annotated
all i did was worry
about whether or not they were laughing at me
behind closed doors
always behind closed doors

i wonder now, if i'm being careless with my actions
i used to make sure that no one around me was sad
that everyone around me knew that i cared about them
and that they were my best friends;
the most loved people in my life

i can't do it anymore
because i never cared about myself

i can hear my own voice in these words
it's like i'm sitting here talking to myself

it's as if i never got in return what i gave to my friends
so now i'm giving it to myself
maybe i haven't changed at all
maybe i've just dulled my senses momentarily
to be happy

so that i can be happy.
well i guess i've uncovered my plan.

i hope it still works.

current mood: blah
current music: "In Da Club" 50 Cent
tell me what i want to hear

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