Blurty for AbSiNtHeCuBeS.
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| Thursday, August 12th, 2004 |
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.. . ."its 3am I must be lonely". . .Just woke up about 40 minute ago. . .Can't remember what woke me up. Think I was dreaming. . .it was good. . .wish I could remember it. I was feeling good for the second or two right when I woke up, then I opened my eyes and remembered where I wasn't. . .remembered where I was. Doing one is just as bad as the other. If you know where you are then you know where you aren't. . .its not where I want to be, but(breatheee). . .reality hits you hard when its never what you want. . . Reality hits you hard when its not what should be real your breathing catching where you are Leave you alone with how you feel Dreams will hold you soft Save you from the waking sorrows fluttering eyes and heartbeat aloft but Dreams won't limit the pain left to follow . . . tonight. . .well, last night was great. I felt. . .happy. . .if just for a moment. Tried to keep my feet on the ground though, I knew it would end sooner or later. . .the night I mean. When I got home, I layed down on my bed and just closed my eyes to feel happy if for nothing but a second. Trying to hold onto the happy memories I could recall in the last four hours. . .it was hard to pick one, seemed like it was just a long four hour trip of perfection. . .there were some points where I was brought back reality but I tried. . .giving all my effort to bring myself to forget about those. After about five or ten minutes of laying on my bed with a small smile on my face as I played back the night behind my lightly closed eyelids. . .I pulled myself back to reality. . .lost the smile and finished my journal entry. . .not this one, the other ones that I keep on paper. Its really hard to know when to stop writting in that thing. I mean, I write because of how my feelings overwelm my attention to the present time. . .but no matter how much I write or how many pages I put it on. . .when I'm done, the feelings are still overwelming. I don't even know why I do it. . .yeah I do. I write them all to keep my hands busy. If I didn't, the time would be spent chainsmoking and thinking about it. . .or stareing at my ceiling and trying to find the place deep inside me that makes me go numb and leave nothing left for thinking or feeling. Its not sleep because I'm awake. Its not that I am day dreaming either because dreams are happy . . .(its nightmares that are everything else). . .I still think about whats bothering in that place, but its more like I'm reading a really sad story and regardless if it takes two minutes or two hours. . .whatever the time I am able to convince myself that I am not the guy in that sad story. . .thats how long where I can make it without falling apart. . .or needing a cigarette. . .or whatever it is that keeps me from crying the rest of the time when I do realize that I am the one in the story. but since I really want to TRY to keep emotions out of here as much as possible I should probably quit it with that. Today should be fun. . .later on I mean. . .helping candy sand and showing her how to use the sander. . . . . .really should have some maskes or something. . .I'll have to check and see if there are any but I doubt there are. Oh well, Can't be worse than all the tar and smoke I breath in every day. Maybe I should get to sleep. . .I was having a good dream. . .I'm almost sure of it. . .I woke up around three, Tried to get back to sleep but pulled myself up and rubbed the sleep from my eyes when I saw it wasn't happening. . .pulled on a hooded sweatshirt and slowly made my way back out to the gazebo. . .from a distance I must have looked really evil. . .black hood pulled over my head my eyes gazing out in a faroff look and slowly racing the amber glow of a cigarette up to my lips. . .but thats from a distance. . .from up close, I probably looked different. . .woulod have turned on the light but the switch was eluding me. . .there are four of them there or something and I can never find the right one. . .after my cigarette was gone. . .I stayed out there and tried to recall what I was dreaming about. . .I think I remember. . .lets see if I can catch up to it before it drifts from my bedroom window and escapes into the night air to find someone else. . .It was good, god it was good. . .makes me want to go back to sleep. . .guess I will,. . .not much left being awake for. . . |
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Blurty for AbSiNtHeCuBeS.
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