Blurty for AbSiNtHeCuBeS.
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Tuesday, August 10th, 2004

Subject:Broken hearts and souls
Time:8:00 am.
Mood:mood best left unsaid.
Music:Time after Time- matchbox twenty.
I remember a long time ago. . .it feels like a long time ago. . .but the seconds feel like eternity Lately. . .well most of them. . .last tuesday they kind of flew by to fast for my liking. . .but, I use to read greek mythology, I guess I always figured I was born to late so reading things of the past seemed like a great way to make up for it. Anyways, in mythology there was a story describing hell. Three examples were given. . .There was a man starving to death a man dying of thirst and another that need only spend time in hell until he managed to push this boulder over a mountain. The man starving to death was confined to a lake with grapevines hanging over the water. . .try as he might he never managed to reach them. . .that was his hell. . .the one thing that he desperately needed and wanted was just out of reach and for eternity he would never be able to get more than a fingertip on it. The man dying of thirst was chained to a wall and a fountain was placed just far enough so that he could not drink nor reach his hand close enough to touch it. The man pushing the boulder would spend years and years using all of his strength pushing the boulder up the hill and just as he came within inches of reaching its peak and the rock rolling down the other side. . .he would lose his footing and have to start over, the boulder falling back down to the bottom. If that is hell. . .then I am in it. Heaven and hell are but states of mind (well, one of them is a person who tells me to shutup whenever I call her that). . .states of mind that are made and broken by a persons single greatest need or want. Those people from the myth. . .they didn't need the food or water. . .if they did, then they wouldn't be able to spend eternity trying to get it. But the agony of not having those things made it unbearable enough to be hell. Anything you want bad enough can turn into a need if the agony is to Painful to ignore. And so I am in my hell. . .I made it myself built with only a single statement spoken six months ago, that I would give my soul if I could take the words back. But nobody is here offering me any deals for my soul. . .I didn't expect anything from god. . .was hoping someone from hell might pop out of nowhere and make me the offer that I can't refuse. . .but it looks like another day spent holding heart and soul in hand waiting anticipating the offer for one or both of them (the offer for both of them is only being given to s ingle person). You'd think that one would be of little use without the other. But little use is better than no use. . .And they are both breaking and dying together. . .I can feel a few more cracks in them day by day. . .sunrise by sunrise. . .sunset by sunset. . .the cracks will grow, then they will widen then they will fall apart. . . ."everything is falling apart". If I have to sacrifice one just to save the other then I guess theres not much choice. Kill my heart to save my soul or sell my soul to save my heart. I would prefer the later, I am much more attached to my heart than I am to my soul. My heart is what makes me feel and theres not much left to live for if I stop feeling. I once asked people if they lived life by their heart or their head. I think I know that I worded the question wrong now. . .everyone lives life with both, its just that one of them leads the other. I can tell looking back on every time I have been happy or sad that My heart is leading head. . .in fact its leading it so persistently that My heart has grabbed my mind and is dragging it kicking and screaming through the hell I've made. Thats why I am more attached to my heart, without my heart who would lead. Nothing makes me sadder than becoming like all of the cold deppressing people that lead life by their head (that might be why I hate it so much when people drone on and on about how smart I am, never thought about it before). so that is the best way I can sum up the current status of life. . .Heart and soul breaking fast. Of course, If I could save both I would, I was never very good at fixing my own heart; all evidence to the contrary in fact. . .I mean, I don't really have anyone to blame but myself. There is someone who could fix them both, but they are not the one to blame. . .errr. . .better cut that off right here or. . . .well, I said before that all things pertaining to emotions are best stated delicately in this Journal. My emotions have a tendency to upset others, especially my emotions as of late. (sad-smile) Not nearly as upsetting as I find them, after all they are mine. . .but still, upsetting.
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Blurty for AbSiNtHeCuBeS.

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