crosshatch's Blurty
 
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Below are the 22 most recent journal entries recorded in crosshatch's Blurty:

    Saturday, April 17th, 2004
    10:49 pm
    hmmm...has it been that long since I have been here?

    (1 pencil | Give me a pencil!)

    Thursday, July 24th, 2003
    4:58 pm
    Clarification
    michael: i better put my paint away and shower...I have to go to an elementary school and shoot kids.
    michael: photos, that is.



    Clarification can be a good thing.

    (4 pencils | Give me a pencil!)

    Tuesday, July 22nd, 2003
    6:23 am
    Michaels Morning
    BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZuuuuuughwhatthefuc...grrr(smash)(snooze)
    BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZfuckinalrightalready(Smack)
    Pissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
    (how does one make coffee blind?)
    eyedrops.
    Slam. Crash. Water running. Ahh...grind...the smell of fresh beans...
    Click. Click. Click. Fucking lighter. Mmmm french press coffee...well.in five minutes.
    stumble...kick..."G'mornin Rufus you lazy dog...go walk youself."
    Plop my ass on the chair in front of the computer.
    Click.
    What the fu..
    Delete.
    Delete.
    Delete.
    Delete.
    Delete.
    Delete.
    "Want to increase your penis size?"
    (look down...check penis) Delete.
    "Its Jessica. Why haven't you responded?" Delete.
    Delete.
    Delete.
    Teen twin Russian lesbian sluts want me now.
    Delete.
    Delete.
    Delete.
    (thinking...what do I have to do today?)
    nodding off
    coffee
    1. Get Dressed.
    no.
    That can wait.
    1. Make coffee.
    Oh..did that already.
    1. Drink coffee.
    2. Meditation.
    (I'll fall asleep again...after coffee?)
    3. See #1.
    4. Pay bills. Hmmmm... no money.
    5. stare at the painting for a while. What the fuck am I gonna do with this nasty painting. It looks like shit.
    6. Start a new painting.

    Mmmm...coffee...where was I? Maybe breakfast. Cereal. Almond milk. A banana. Wheres my planner? Oh! I have to remember to write that thought down! A great painting idea! I need a pen. Gets up to look for pen. (see #1) Mmm coffeee. I should at least put on underwear. Nah. Its nice in here this morning. Feed the dog. What was I looking for? Oh. A pen. Mmm coffeeee.. Eat Rufus, you spoiled mutt.Pen Pen Pen. Oh theres my keys. Under the mail. Funny...I never checked yesterdays mail...bill..bill...(see #4) A letter for the guy who owned my house three years ago. I am so tired of writing "return to sender". Delete.
    A sale at KMart. WooHoo! What do I need? A canopy for my driveway. New shoes. More coffee. Some bleach. Thats a nice shirt. Office supplies. Pens! Yes. I was looking for a pen. "Ding". Ohh! An instant message! Me: "Good morning!"
    Him: "Hi".
    Me: "Whats up?"
    Him: "Nuthin. Whats up with you?
    Me: (looks down...checks penis) "Nothin. Just starting my day. Having coffee. I was doing something...I forget.
    Him: "Turn on your cam. Lemme see you."
    Me: (looks down) "Im not dressed. Maybe another time"
    Him: (wide-eyed smiley) "Oh now I really wanna see!"
    Me: (looks down)

    **************************
    **************************
    ******C E N S O R E D*****
    **************************
    **************************

    More coffee. What was I doing? Oh. My list of things to do. I need a pen. I needed a pen for...I forget...I should have written it down. Where was I?
    Oh.
    (see #1)
    2. I'll do that in another minute.
    #3...sip.
    Number 4: delete.
    5. Shit..I had a good idea...what was that?
    8. Get dressed.
    9. Buy pens.

    (1 pencil | Give me a pencil!)

    Monday, July 21st, 2003
    4:52 pm
    I have nothing to say.
    Limbo between chaos and peace.
    Between growth and death.
    Canvas beckons.
    Ego prods.
    I look in the mirror and smile with tears.
    Thinking of what the past has in hold for my future.
    Wisdom soothes the aging.
    Calm defeats fear.
    I have nothing to say, so perhaps I shall paint.

    (Give me a pencil!)

    4:14 pm
    Nothing much to say. Self exploration. Self indulgence. Self awareness. I'm so selfish. Been busy thinking about what I am going to get in this world. And need to shift back to what I can put into it. Instead of "why hasn't so and so called me in a while..." I should call someone. Instead of "why am I not painting", I should look for beauty in the world around me. It must be time for a 'drawing excursion'. Where shall it be this time? Santa Fe? Seattle? Mexico? My back yard?
    Instead of what can I do to sell my house...perhaps I should be thinking how can my home be of help to someone else? Instead of why arent I getting more work...more income...more money...perhaps I should ask, what can I do to be helpful to another?

    Or better yet. Here is one: Instead of writing in my journal, I could get my ass out the door cuz I am late.

    Tonight I don a former face...the face of a restaurant manager...pizza maker... time to go sling pizzas. Maybe the flour in the air will do wonders for my brain.

    (Give me a pencil!)

    Saturday, July 19th, 2003
    1:19 am
    So like he told me I am intimidating.
    I've never been told that before! Me??!!

    I think he just likes me...hehe

    He makes me all giddy!

    It was a very nice evening...the museum...pizza...Donnie Darko...looking at art...a soft goodnight kiss and another date on Saturday. That makes me sad... :( ...because I have to skip a day!

    I so wanted to cuddle up to him but don't wanna push it...not sure he would have wanted that...

    And now I am supposed to be able to fall asleep?

    (Give me a pencil!)

    Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
    9:25 pm
    Date # 1,809,712. Well the first in months...
    Okay, so this is only date # 345,912 where the other guy actually showed up...

    OMG...I met the most delightful man today! I guess it was our first date! He is smart, likes art, as cute as shit, great sense of humor...He's humble...I don't think he knows how beautiful he is....:-) He actually seemed genuinely interested in me and not just my art or my God-like physique. (okay...the one I keep on my shelf at home, that is) And thats really cool cuz I was certainly genuinely interested in him. It seems we will be meeting again tomorrow....a museum...dinner...movie.

    And I so wanted to kiss him....oops...is he reading this? hehe

    Well thats okay.

    And to think it was by pure accident that we met...or was it?

    I wonder if I will be able to refrain from wanting to jump him? hehe So adorable! I can soooooo see waking up to him in my arms in the moring...

    Ahhh...so now what humorous anecdotes can I create about dating, if I enjoy it? Hmmmmm......

    (Give me a pencil!)

    10:38 am
    Day SE7EN: Dating progress
    DAY SE7EN, dating progress: The Internet
    Okay..so it has been suggested that I stay away from street corners and groceries....And it was suggested that I drink alot (not an option) and go to bars. So I will try two new and never before used methods in the history of gay dating: the internet and bars. I am sure no one else has experience with either, but I am going to try the interent first. That way if I fail, I can drunk trying the second method and kill two birds with one cocktail.
    So I have begun my search for the ultimate dating personals website. I have narrowed it down to 4,453,123 sites that claim the be the best site for finding dates with gay men. Since I am not looking for sex, I have tried to exclude thos sites that have "sex" in their descriptions. I came up with negative three sites. So that didnt work.
    Then I tried to reduce that number to sites that specifically serve my dating radius (circumference divided by 2xpi) and narrowed it down to 305,342 sites. So I have begun to write the perfect personal's ad which will surely reach its destination: Mr. Right. The only problem is, each website claims to have on the average about 90,000 subscribers. Thats like more than my calculator can calculate. I am certain that many are duplicates. But assuming that 1.) all gay men lie. 2.)all gay websites are operated by gay men. 3.) Divide everything a gay man says by three to get to the truth and that perhaps a third of all ads may be duplicated multiple times on several sites, thats still a few billion men to get through. Factoring in the number of ads that are fake or are promoting porn sites, we can safely narrow that down to about 11 datable men in my area. Assuming that the average gay man reads 2 personal ads per day, and there are about 300 billion ads to go through to get to mine, I will be approximately 127 before he responds to my ad.

    I suppose I had better get started, huh?

    And then of course there is gay chat rooms. Any advice on that? I have some very specific questions: How can one tell if the chatter is telling the truth or not? Should I chat with someone that doesnt have a profile and a picture? Do I really want to date a guy who shows me his cock but not his face? At what point can I feel safe meeting or giving out my phone number? Why does everyone keep calling me an asl? Asshole? Am I doing something wrong there? If they say "stats?" before they say "hello", are they referring to my heart condition or my financial portfolio? Why is it people who say "looks don't matter" never have a photo? And finally, I think there is something wrong with my computer because everytime they say, "Wanna hookup?" and I say "no", they disappear. Do I have a computer virus?

    (1 pencil | Give me a pencil!)

    Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
    12:44 pm
    Seeing as my recent reintroduction to the dating world has been somewhat, well, sad, I am asking for any and all dating tips. Feel free to submit diagrams and photos. Thank you.

    (Give me a pencil!)

    Monday, July 14th, 2003
    10:29 am
    Being self-employed is not all that.
    My boss is a slave driver.
    Sometimes (like the last two months) I have little or no income.
    I have no discipline.
    The only person I can hit up for a raise is myself (And I’m cheap)
    I never remember take taxes out.
    I can’t fire me if I do a lousy job.
    Hell! I can’t call in late!
    And I can't Quit!

    (Give me a pencil!)

    8:37 am
    Is it possible to ever be angry at derek? hehe

    (4 pencils | Give me a pencil!)

    5:31 am
    Well, five days since my dive into the meat market. So far, I am a mere morsel amongst the slabs of juicy beef.
    I wonder if I were to dress myself up, to be a more attractive piece of meat? Perhaps a leaner cut? Mock young veal? More tender portion? Thicker beefier portion?
    Or maybe with a coupon for a jar of gravy?

    Or perhaps I belong in the vegetarian grocery NEXT to the meat market? Hmmm...what vegetable would I be? A zuchinni or cuccumber for that casual side dish? The dried up garlic cloves on the bottom of the basket? Sweet slender carrot?

    Perhaps I am just processed and vacuum-packed organic tofu. You know I am good for, but you just aren't quite sure what to do with me?

    (Give me a pencil!)

    Saturday, July 12th, 2003
    10:28 am
    Okay.
    Day three of deciding to date.
    Progress report:
    Today I decided to branch out in the hunt. I stood on a corner near the local gay stuff with a sign that said, "Will date for food"
    I had plenty of people looking. But no real takers.
    Someone threw a can of beans at me. But I don't think he was dating material.
    And a truckload of cute guys yelled something at me, that sounded overtly sexual, like "Fu*k you", and "Eat my A$$!", But I don't think they were serious. It sounded like fun though.
    Of course, I have on the other side of my placard, "No sex til Month Two". But I haven't had to flash that yet.
    Tomorrow's Plan: I think I will try Grocery Stalking. Vegetable section. Hey it worked in Animal House!

    (Give me a pencil!)

    Thursday, July 10th, 2003
    10:27 am
    Okay so like I confronted the guy in my accountants office, and face to face, and hearing his story, I believed him and that he wasnt responsible. Well, directly. Actually, he was just irresponsible to the point of allowing someone else access to my information. So essentially, I was garteful that he was honest with me, and said that essentially, I don't really fucking care to even go there anymore. Life is too short. I want to work with my accountant cuz I just hired him (my first) and incorporated my art business thru him, and he has saved me thousands. And I actually felt like I could trust the kid with my stuff... he was so scared... That chapter is closed. A new one is opening. He has to come to my house to set up my accounting files here. Is that wise? He's cute as shit, too.

    I don't know WHAT to do about this long distance whatever-it-is with my friend in Mexico. I mean, we definitely have something...clicked...whatever. And I have even thoguht I loved him. But the reality is, he will never be able to come here...legally. Am I just reaching for something unattainable? Is it even possible to love a guy you have spent so little time with? A few trips to Mexico...endless hours online and emails. Which have gradually dwindled to almost nothing...

    So I think I want to date. You know, like real date. Not like the usualy gay-standard for dating. You know, like meet, do stuff, and not fuck. Like gte to know someone. Like talk and see what each other likes. And hopefully get to a second or third, or eighth date... Does anyone do it anymore? Or should I just assume that If I don't put out by the second date, they'll lose interest and move on? Perhaps for the better in that case.

    Or maybe I'll just sit back and wait for Mr. Right to fall in my lap...when I'm 80.

    Does anyone else believe in love at first sight?/meet? Am I just fucking hopeless, or what?

    I want a real relationship, not a hostage.

    (Give me a pencil!)

    Friday, July 4th, 2003
    9:12 am
    Happy independence day. So why don't I feel happy? I don't feel sad. I ffel disturbed. And I don't give a shit if someone out there disagrees with me or hates politics, I feel like ranting. And what a more perfect day?

    I think I am a registered Democrat. I rememeber last time I dumped my party affiliation cuz I was disgusted plastic politicians standing in front of a flag spitting out whatever they thought would appease the most voters or the most polls regardless of what their personal convictions were. Those psuedo democrats that you could stand side by side with their mimicking rhetoric-lined blue suited, finger-pointing, synthetic faced republicans and being about as able to tell the difference between them as easily as you can the Matrix's Mr. Smiths...
    So I complained. And complained when Darth Bush stole the election without even getting the popular vote. And I watched in horror as he rallied the country using fear. And as he manipulated more and more power away from our sacred checks and balances system to wage bloody wars with his cowboy diplomacy. Is this what we stand for? The big bully who says, "Hey, we are bigger than you, so fuck with us and we will beat the living shit out of you!" In the big picture, he has sent this country in a 180 degree direction from being a nation of peace and tolerance and respect for human rights to a nation with a childlike view of the world on a tantrum insisting that he is right and challenging terrorists to attack us. He has bankrupted the economy, and ignored that fact. And I complained. He has attacked and took over two countries (soon to be a third?), shattered the record for biggest annual deficit in history, set the economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period, set the all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market, and is the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner and to enter office with a criminal record. In his first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs he and has since cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in US history, set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12 month period. He has created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States and cut healthcare benefits for war veterans. This man set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest him (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind. (http://www.hyperreal.org/~dana/marches/) and has dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history. I was one of them and complained still.

    I could go on, but I'll prolly piss my friends off with such a long post. (Is there a better way? a link? anyone? anyone?)

    On this July Fourth I am going to celebrate our independence by screaming against a tyrant. By vowing to not just complain but to devote time and energy to see this sick-minded (simple-minded?) moron gets not just a losing election but a powerful and embarrassing one.

    I dont see how the most powerful nation in the world can't guarantee healthcare to every child but attack any country. Why we can continually have people out of work and starving in our own country yet we revile others for their inhumane standards and vow to help through military force. Has experience taught us nothing? In every instance of military force to solve issues in the last 50 years, it has come back to bite us in the ass! Do we forget we pushed Saddam Hussein into Power? And Usama? WE DID and SUPPORTED them! At what point or at what hieght a pile of dead american boys will we be able to see these are not the right answers?
    I think we need gun control, but each state should determine it. I think Equal rights should be equal, not equal for some and not others. I think we should be building bridges, not walls. We should be reaching out, not imposing nationalsitc and fascist policies. We are getting closer and closer to a fascist society having our civil liberties quietly eroded away and are doing nothing but sit back under the guise that we should support our countries president.

    BULLSHIT! He should support and stand for US!

    I am tired of being labeled liberal as if it was a Scarlet L. To me it is a compliment becasuse it stands for philosophy based on belief in progress, the essential goodness of the human race, and the autonomy of the individual and standing for the protection of political and civil liberties.
    I am tired of being called Anti-American because I have the balls to speak against policies I think are unjust.
    I am tired of being called anti-God because I believe in seperation of church and state.
    I am tired of being called Anti-Family because I believe everyone has the right to express love for their familes as they chose.
    I am tired of being called a murderer because I believe the government has no right to intervene in the private rights of citizens whether or not to bear children.
    I am tired of being called immoral because my beliefs don't coincide with a powerful minority.

    But most of all I am tired of being labeled a Bush hater with no better way. Gov. Howard Dean is a better way. The only real Democrat that speaks his mind against Bush. He's got the balls and integrity. He created a universal healthcare system for every child in his state and advocated reversing President Bush's irresponsible tax cuts to fund more pressing needs of the country, such as universal health care. Enacted gun control legislation. Opposed Bush on the failed wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Has a real plan for education and a fair environmental policy not bought by the oil industry. He believes that the government has no right into such a personal decision as abortion. And supports the right for gay men and women to enter into legally recognized civil unions.

    This July fourth I will celebrate by urging everyone to take action and speak up for WHATEVER you belive in, whether you agree with me or not. It is what this country was founded on.

    I won't spit political propoganda any more....
    Or will I?
    click here to read Dubyah's resume: (took some info from here and want to give credit)Read more... )

    (2 pencils | Give me a pencil!)

    Saturday, June 28th, 2003
    9:07 am
    How do I make the voices in my head stop fighting?

    (4 pencils | Give me a pencil!)

    Tuesday, June 10th, 2003
    6:10 am
    Why am I always so horny? :-)

    (1 pencil | Give me a pencil!)

    Monday, June 9th, 2003
    2:31 pm
    1.) If everything in God's world is perfect, how can sin possibly exist? Is God not a part of everything? And if he is Pure Love, and a part of everything, how can evil exist?
    2.) If everything in God's world is good, as I know the Bible says, is not evil and hell a part of "everything"? Is perhaps our own perception is what is limited or skewed?
    3.) If God is all powerful, all-knowing, and all Love, why would he feel a need to judge? Or is judgement a Human conception merely designed to promote specific beliefs?
    4.) If God is Everything, is he not within each of us? And if he is in each of us, are we then NOT seperate from God? If we are not seperate from God, is it only our own percetion that causes us fear, doubt, lonliness, pain, etc? And if we are not seperate from God, but have him within each of us, will we not also be a part of His Pure Love when we leave our human bodies? If this is not so, why should we fear death? Isnt fear of death and hell and evil a manmade concept?

    (1 pencil | Give me a pencil!)

    Monday, May 26th, 2003
    10:14 am
    Memorial Day. Everyone kept saying this was a holiday weekend. Like that has ever meant anything other than more work days. Ex-food-industry mentality, I guess. Holidays and weekends I always worked and worked hard. Now as a self-employed artist, my boss is a pain-in-the-ass-slave driver. So its off to work today too...well in a while. I want to finish that mural asap...
    This morning I had a few fun games of strip backgammon on line... (I wonder if he really was naked? hehe)
    Time to go think about that some more in the shower to start my day....

    (1 pencil | Give me a pencil!)

    Sunday, May 25th, 2003
    9:11 am
    sunday...
    taking the day off from the mural. Just sittin here playin with myself since therer is no one to play with. Okay..not like that! Er...well..maybe later...hehe
    A day off....hmm....oh, wellI have my group today. And I am gpoing to see Bruce Almighty tonight. I guess I shouldwash the dishes. Oh, and I have no clean clothes. And since I worked all week, alot, and don't have a naked housecleaning houseboy yet, I s'pose I should clean my house before company comes...and maybe shower and clean my bathroom while Im in there... and I havent paid bills in a while....I have some writing to do and have to write a couple invoices...do some paperwork...ahh.... Sunday. Taking the day off....

    Or maybe I'll just sit here and play with myself. Backgammon anyone?

    (1 pencil | Give me a pencil!)

    Friday, May 23rd, 2003
    7:56 am
    grrr....
    Im all achy...working every day on my new mural...various and odd hours...sometimes starting at 530am....others starting at 3pm and working into the night.

    No wonder I feel crappy!

    But tis okay...I'll be done in less than a week I think...Its looking very nice ...

    I wonder if anyone other than ceadsreac will read this??
    Illhave to put some pics in here ifI can figure it out...

    (2 pencils | Give me a pencil!)

    Thursday, May 22nd, 2003
    2:34 pm
    1st Entry
    Here it is. Thefirst journal entry!

    Do you like it?

    :-)

    (1 pencil | Give me a pencil!)

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