more than an effort, much like a risk   
01:00am 14/07/2003
 
mood: depressed
music: Deborah Gibson "Deborah" album
Blame it on the blues you sing
Blame it on anything and everything
Blame it on a lack of faith or a twist of fate
'Til it makes you feel ok
Then come to terms with the fact
It was over because it was

Chorus:
It wasn't the time
It wasn't the place
Or my frame of mind, or the look on your face
It wasn't the road we were on
Or the days, though there were not enough
Sad to say
It just wasn't love

Oh, I thought that you were the one
Saw forever
It was here and it was gone
I needed a reason clear things don't disappear
And that's how I found the truth
It's just how the story goes
We've been over it a hundred times

Chorus:
It wasn't the time
It wasn't the place
Or my frame of mind, or the look on your face
It wasn't the road we were on
Or the days, though they were not enough
Sad to say
It just wasn't love

Some things need no explanation
No chance for will that's free (oh no, no)
Some things kill every reason we have
To ever believe things are what they seem

Chorus



that's what I really feel about my situation with aaron. aaron, is my sorta boyfriend. We've never asked one another out. Just "talked". I've made out with him once, kissed him, and had romantic feelings for him. I really did love him. It's just, since I went to Austin, Texas, for a youth retreat/mission trip/camp/conference thing called Youthwave, God really opened my eyes to things. I understood matters of the heart a bit more, and I felt Him working in me. I'm not all of a sudden straight, I'm still bi. And don't give me that sinner stuff, because yes I am a sinner, but you can't judge me or condemn me because Jesus died for my sins and loves me no matter what, for we are all sinners and we are forgiven. I decided that when I accepted myself months ago, I would do my best to strengthen my relationship with God. End of story. But anyway, I just don't feel the same way about Aaron as I used to. I felt love, but for some reason, it seemed like it really wasn't there. I don't know. All I ever wanted to do was help him, in ways I didn't think I could, like help him to feel again and influence him to put his life back together. But I just don't think I can do it anymore, trying to love him when I don't feel that kind of emotion anymore.

For some reason I think a song is brewing in me. Great. Another angry, melocholy song dealing with the emotion I'm very familiar with, but am in the state of feeling I don't WANT to be familiar with. know what I'm sayin?


I'm living in denial. It's a happy place. Come join me.


I'm off to slumber. I have wonderful band camp tomorrow. *bows* Gnight and God Bless.		  
     

(change my shade)
 
30 minutes of bliss, 30 lies   
09:07pm 19/06/2003
 
mood: peaceful
music: Shane and Allen playing PS2
So, I currently reside in the nice modern city of Louisville right now at my friend from Westport road, Allen's house. Nice place I must say. He has every Nintendo system except the Game Cube, and Shane and I had some vintage fun playing Super Mario 3 for the NES. Fun times. So tomorrow I leave for Austin, and I'm both dreading it and looking foward to it. What's really gonna suck is the long ride down there. But the good part is we can get to know the Westport members this time. Since at Winterfest our time spent together was only met by cold shoulders all around. I guess that time wasn't meant to be. Oh well. so this is a fun little journal to keep. It won't necessarily begin with any REAL fun until I decide to censor things in my Livejournal, which might not happen because it's becoming pretty much no holds barred, except for the entries containing things I'm not yet ready to be openly honest about, and post those censored things here. But oh well.

So I'm on Al's computer, and I think now would be a fun time to go try and watch some Tori Amos videos on Launch.com. Could be possible. We shall see.


So til next time ladies and gentlemen, adieu and God Bless.		  
     

(1 mood swing | change my shade)
 
only happy when it rains   
01:20am 19/06/2003
 
mood: excited
music: Garbage
Ahh, another home for my ever present mood swings and songwriting and everyday bitching. This should be fun. But I won't necessarily be able to start updating frequently til around the end of this month seeing as how tomorrow I leave for Austin, Texas.


Ah well. I must go and finish packing. Until next time, I bid you adieu.



God Bless and Good night.		  
     

(change my shade)
 
 
crimsonrainfall