Date:	2005-05-01 13:02
Subject:	The Dream
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that he asked to try out the relationship again. I was overjoyed. I held him from behind and we kissed. Gosh, how I missed that kiss. It felt so real.

Then i woke up and realised that it was all a dream. I cried, wishing so hard that my heart ached, that it was all for real.

I find myself avoiding him these days, i dunno why. Perhaps a part of me doesnt want to get hurt again. Yet another part of me yearns for him. Maybe it for my own good that i shouldnt get emotionally involved with him on any level. I'm just so lonely now, all i ever talk to is myself. Even as i'm writing this, im confiding in myself, crying to myself. Maybe afterall, i shdnt seek anyone but myself to take the pain away, and no one but myself to love.

"Love Does Not Seek An Eternity, But Just That It Was Once A Reality"

It's 15 days or so to Meridian JC Choir's first SYF. And there are people who still DON'T KNOW their parts. Shocking. These people seriously need to have some responsibility injected into them. I mean, like PLEASE la, its a little more than two weeks and you DARE say you NOT SURE of some parts? Whatever, I will make sure that either these people learn what they are supposed to, or I'm going to do everything in my power as their SC to make sure they don't sing for SYF. It's blatently unfair to those people who are trying so hard to make things work.

We are the second last choir of the damn day, and the only choir after us is *drumroll* TJC choir... gosh... hmmz, wonder how they sound like.

I can already imagine the senario - SCH packed to the brim with people just anticipating to hear the (in)famous MJC choir, so many people wanting to hear with their own ears how exactly MJC sounds like. Whether or not MJ is really THAT good for a 2 year old choir.

HA. That's the wonders of JC SYF, phenomenal things can happen, simply because the cohort changes so rapidly. If the choir works really hard for the next 15 days, I can guarantee, with 95% confidence level, that MJC will make your jaw drop. Muahahaha.. THAT is IF... :x.... we'll see we'll see...

I believe in MJC choir, that we can do it.. MAKE THEIR JAWS DROP MJ!

yeah.

"I Miss You."

Date:	2005-04-03 23:36
Subject:	Disclaimer
Security:	Public
Mood:	crappy

All resemblance to anyone, dead or alive, is purely coincidental. In order to protect the privacy of this blog, all entries are works of fiction with the truth embedded within the lines. Only the people who truly know me will be able to discern fact from fiction.

Date:	2005-04-03 00:04
Subject:	Still Holding On. Waiting.
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

i still find myself trying to sneak glances of him, trying to be content watching him from a distance. But its just so difficult.

read so many articles telling me to be happy and move on with life, to let ur ex noe that you are having fun without him. It all seems to easy in words, but it takes so much to make it real.

I will love you still. No matter what happens.

"A Silent Love."

Date:	2005-03-26 23:32
Subject:	I Will Hold On Forever
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely

Sometimes a part of me wished that it all never happened, that it never came to pass... that i would be spared the pain and misery i'm in now...

but a larger part of me is thankful. thankful that it brought so many wonderful and memorable times. Thankful that at least, for the first time in my life, i got to experience it, no matter how short it was. These are memories i will hold dear in my heart for as long i can... Its ironic how such beautiful memories conjures up such pain in the present.

I live everydae with this torment in me, yet i try so hard to pretend it doesnt exist. Sometimes it threatens to overwhelm me when i see him... its pure torture to see him so close, and yet i know i cannot feel him under my fingertips.

i feel like such a total jerk everytime i become withdrawn and quiet in front of him. I know its not healthy for either of us, but i just cannot bring myself to look at him everytime i feel overwhelmed by those feelings i still have for him. I feel as though i would just breakdown if i looked into his eyes. If only i could just disappear everytime i feel like that... it wouldnt make everyone, esp him feel so uncomfortable... i tink everyone ard noes and can feel it, and i feel so guilty for causing such a moody aura.

I keep telling myself to try and love him from a distance, telling myself that so long he is happy, i will be too... but sometimes it gets a little too lonely. But i will hold on and be as strong as i can...

Perhaps love is selfish, perhaps im possesive, but i will try to overcome all these and to learn to "be content that he let me be, just a friend."

-----

-I Will Love You Anyways-
by Melissa Ann Berman

"You walked into my Life, when my world was dark and cold,
you held out your arms, and my heart and soul you did hold.
You promised you would never leave, that you would always be there,
I never knew that I meant so much, that my heart was worth enough to care.

You showed me so many things, I started to dream of you every night,
you melted the coldness in my heart, with the warmth of your light.
I ended up falling for you, how could I not -
you're an Angel in disguise, and every touch from you makes my soul hot.

But then you told me it's not the same. for you only think of me as a friend,
I cannot understand this, the wrong messages you did send.
I never knew you bought your friend flowers, and touched them like a lover,
I never knew you held your friends' hand and caressed them under the covers.

I am so far, I cannot turn back now, you are My Best friend,
so what do I do now. I don't know much, except here I am again
in Love with another man who only wants to be my friend.

I'm not sure if this is wrong, then again I don't know what's right,
I will Love You Anyways, even if its a lonely fight."

-----

"Don't Be Afraid To Tell Someone You Love Them.
If You Do, They Might Break Your Heart.
But If You Don't, You Might Break Theirs."

Date:	2005-03-23 00:52
Subject:	I Dreamed A Dream In Days Gone By
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely

i tot it would all go away if i just ignored it, but was i in for a rude shock when i tried to open my heart again. It all came flooding in. More than ever. Overwhelmed, but im coping surprisingly well. i am just wondering when will my facade crumble and reveal the emotions within. I don't think i can even cry by then.

My heart still skips a beat when i see him, my pulse still races when he's close. And yet outwardly, i have to treat him as a friend though deep inside, i yearn to be so much more.

Every night when i close my eyes, i'd imagine he'd be beside me and i'd be holding him close. Everytime i open my eyes and realise i'm all alone, i'd hug my pillow tighter, as though a substitute, willing myself not to cry... but the tears keep coming...

I dun tink there will ever be anyone like him.. the circumstances, the situation, the relationship... it was like a dream, i dream i've always had and still hold on to... I guess life is unfair, and as mere mortals, we just have to take watever life throws at us... no matter how seemingly intolerable it is, life still has to go on...

"And There Are Storms We Cannot Weather."

Date:	2005-03-16 00:37
Subject:	I Always Have, And Always Will
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely

days have passed... the tears have dried.. but the love just grew stronger... all i can do now is to love you from a distance... hoping and waiting for the day you'd come back to me... Yes, some ppl may find that unrealistic... but thats all i can tink of now.

there were a few who asked me to be theirs when they knew i was single, again. but somehow i cannot get you out of my head. Trust me, i tried. but everytime i go out with a guy, i just cannot help but think and wish the guy be you...

But life goes on... its so difficult to see you as someone platonic, coz i never have... i may look and sound alright, but deep inside it hurts to see you so near and yet so far...

"All I Want Is To Hold You Tight, Treat You Right."

Date:	2005-03-06 00:07
Subject:	Love Found And Lost. Again.
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed

2 months and 11 days. Or from 22 december 2004 to the midnite of 4 march 2005. As usual, it began and ended on MSN. I truly enjoyed the first month. It was like a dream come true. For the first time ever, a guy i tot was cute and liked for 6 months became my bf. And boy is he HOT. He was also the first of many things, like the first bf to be in the same sch AND cca as me.

after the first month, signs appeared that we were better off as frens. But i ignored it. Those things lingered in my mind.. until todae. It all came true. Yeah, perhaps its true we are better off as frens, but i liked him SO SO SO much.

P.S. The sex was hot, yeah real hot.

"It Is Better To Have Loved And Lost, Then Never Loving At All."
"All Good Things Must Come To An End."

Date:	2005-02-08 21:50
Subject:	This Can't Be Happening
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

i tink my depression is coming back.. been crying for no good reason, thinking of killing myself again, feeling that no one cares...

yet all through this time, i've never stopped loving him.. i noe i have been really unfair and unreasonable, but please forgive me.. i really never intended to do that to you.. you are the one that keeps me alive sometimes..

"Press The Silver Blade Deeper Into The Flesh. And Watch, As The Warm Crimson Blood Ooze."

Date:	2005-01-22 21:19
Subject:	Woo Hoo!
Security:	Public
Mood:	jubilant

WHAT a way to celebrate the first month man.. :X

yup, its been a month already.. and time really flies when u are in love and having fun (NO pun intended)

The following poem is dedicated to my dearest darling!

"All my life I had built up a fantasy
of the perfect man.
Countless romance stories and fables
helped make that fantasy a reality in my mind.
Searching for that fantasy lead to many
disappointments.
Reality made it clear that there was no such man.
And as the years went by, the fantasy started
to fade away - until I met you.
I had almost given up on the fantasy until
my fantasy became reality,
that reality became you."

I love you.

Date:	2005-01-22 21:08
Subject:	Woo Hoo!
Security:	Public
Mood:	rejuvenated

yeah.. WAT a way to celebrate our first month man.. hehe..

yup.. its been a month already..

sorrie for the lack of details..
i am really tired.. slept from like 1 to 6 in the afternoon just now.. :X

The following poem is dedicated to my dearest darling!

"All my life I had built up a fantasy
of the perfect man.
Countless romance stories and fables
helped make that fantasy a reality in my mind.
Searching for that fantasy lead to many
disappointments.
Reality made it clear that there was no such man.
And as the years went by, the fantasy started
to fade away - until I met you.
I had almost given up on the fantasy until
my fantasy became reality,
that reality became you."

Date:	2005-01-16 01:14
Subject:	Loving You
Security:	Public
Mood:	jubilant

Start date: 22nd Dec 2004... Its been 25 days since we got together.. and everyday since then took on a new meaning...even now, i sometimes cant believe you are my bf, coz its really like a dream come true.. this kind of things never happened to me before, until now..

on to more depressing things.. i cant understand vectors and MI.. and in slightly more than 24 hours will be my vectors and MI test.. great, just great.. first maths test and its the two topics i dun understand the most... well.. watever..

hehe..

"I'm So In Love."

Date:	2004-12-19 21:50
Subject:	Relief
Security:	Public
Mood:	relieved
Music:	Into The West

i expressed my feelings for him yesterdae on msn, ermz, actually its todae morning, ard 2 am? hehe...

my heart was in my throat the moment i hit the "enter" key. i dunno wat he would say.. so afraid that i have might have just made a big mistake...

but the ans that came back neither made me wept tears of joy nor wails of disappointment..
i cant remember exactly the words he said, but everything seemed as though it was a yes and no at the same time... ah yes, unsure.. that was wat he said.. or something liddat..

well, on hindsight, i cannot believe i had the balls to do such a thing..

but anyhows, all is said and done.. and honestly, i'm feeling relieved more than anything... relieved that he dint give me a bleak ans and relieved that i got this issue of my chest..

well, only time will tell how things will turn out.

"And I Will Not Deny."

Date:	2004-11-28 23:46
Subject:	May It Be.
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	May It Be - Enya

Yes, jovan or whoever who said that was rite.. "every meeting signifies the next departure."

so i found this really nice poem that most closely describes how i feel now.. :p

-Just Friends-
by Diane Blue

We enjoy each others company
but for the most part, we avoid it.
We pretend there is nothing there.
We're just friends.
Every time we meet, it's awkward at first.
We check our guard and put up the walls.
We're just friends that's all.
We call each other on the phone,
and always have a good excuse for doing so.
Do friends need an excuse?
You remind me that "We must be careful",
"We can't go there", you say.
The rules have been set,
and we live by them.

We sit and talk for hours,
two sets of blue eyes interlocked
and neither turns away.
I hang on your every word.
Your simple presence in a room,
gives my life a purpose.
Add your voice and a smile,
and I melt away.
The thought of you touching me
makes my body scream out with yearning.
But we're just friends, right?
Why do I feel it's more?
Are we in self-inflicted denial?
Our past hurts have made us so afraid,
We'd rather be lonely than to take that chance again.

I wish I could tell you how I really feel inside.
That I'd be willing to take that chance
To be more than just your friend.
I know you sense this, as I do,
but it's easier to pretend.
Saying it would make it real
and you'd run away and hide from me.

So I'll try and keep the flood gates closed
and be content that you let me be,
Just your friend.

-End-

Such a beautiful poem is it not? i noe some of u Lit peeps out there may think this is BLAH, but i tink it carries alot of meaning in it, especially if u ever felt like that of a frenship b4..

"The Man Who Is Worth Your Tears Will Never Make You Cry."

Date:	2004-11-10 00:14
Subject:	Maybe It Was Never Meant To Be
Security:	Public
Mood:	numb

cleared some feelings between me and someone... yup, although it was not an official breakup (coz we were never together in the first place), i was nonetheless sad. (pardon me for my lack of vocab here, im too numb to concentrate).... but i told myself, life will go on... and furthermore, he and i are still frens.. so wat have i got to lose ya?

yeah, life goes on.. i will survive...

Date:	2004-11-08 22:00
Subject:	Absence Really Does Make The Heart Fonder
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	The Prayer - Church and Groban

And i tot PW WAS over... hell no.. there is still that god damnned GPF to hand up.. and oh my, u shd see the things that we needed to stuff in.. im now desperately trying to shake my brains into PW mode when it was like DELETED immediately after the OP.. so heck, i AM so goin to un-PW-ly annotate and crap my articles.. wish me luck peoples...

anywae, on to happier things.

went out for food fest with eileen, edwin and his fren.. OoOoO.. the food... AH.. i feel fat already.. but i tink it was worth it la.. sampling like aunties and buying a dollar or two worth of food here and there..

then met 5D.. haiz.. you poor thing.. take goot care of urself k? sounded to scary over the phone sia.. totally diff voice... so we went to ikea and walked ard like a couple of idiots. (i tink i was more idiotic than him.) haha.. :p as usual, my time spent with him was so pleasant, i felt like it could go on forever.. but alas, all goot things have to come to an end.. and so in a blink of an eye, we had to go home.. oh ya.. i FINALLY got him to get his eyes checked! haha.. and he looks SO cute in glasses la.. rite 5D? and the hiao/spendthrift in me also got a pair of brown coloured lenses.. oooo.. cant wait to wear it.. Muahahaa!

"Let This Be Our Prayer, When We Lose Our Way."

Date:	2004-11-06 23:46
Subject:	What Else Could I Do?
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely
Music:	Amazing Grace

Scared, we all are at some point in our lives... I dunno why, but alot of ppl seem to be afraid to make their own decisions, myself included.. have you ever noticed how ur heart and mind alwaes seem to contradict each other? so which one are we to believe? yeah, i dunno too..

Life is all about taking risks. Yes, make the wrong choice and it will hurt. But isnt that how we all get stronger? i took risks and both wonderful and sad experiences came out from it. But life goes on. We only live once, so why not just go ahead and take that risk? Ya, i think i shd.. like wat chad told me. "follow what your heart tells you Gerald."

"A Time Of Seeming Perfection, Yet Fraught With Uncertainties. Will You Be There For Me?"

Date:	2004-11-02 21:33
Subject:	How Do I Live Without You
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	Lux Aurumque - Eric Whitacre

a very eventful dae todae.. yes..

ok, let's start.. went to sch in the morning for PW, which i CANNOT wait to getting over and done with.. then after that, went out with Tiff, Benny, Luther, Denzil, Jun Jie and Joel to eat pasta.. then Sarah appeared later.. well, anywae, all was goot and fine.. then i rushed down to buona vista to meet FD..

headed down to orchard.. which was surprisingly fast from buona vista.. (so now u noe why there are so many ACJC peeps in orchard).. anywae.. we walk walk.. then walk into Pacific Plaza.. then of ALL ppl.. Alex (edwin, u shd noe this), came up to tok to my fren and me.. oh my gosh.. i was like, shit.. so damn sway... anywae, he like practically followed/stalked/trailed us from Pacific Plaza to Far East ok. NEARLY died..

as the both of us were animatedly bitching away about him, he HAD to appear beside us.. i nearly fainted.. then he ACTUALLY came up to my fren and intro-ed himself.. i was like, "WAT THE.. this mad guy just DOESNT give up does he?" then after crapping some things like, "oh, my name is Daniel." and "sorrie ar, dun have MSN." we finally got rid of him.. oh my gosh.. i absolutely cannot believe someone liddat actually can exist..

but on the whole, todae is a happy dae.. i throughly enjoyed myself.. hope FD did too.. (to FD: PLS EAT MORE!!! u are way too thin boy.) :p

"How Do I Live Without You, I Want To Know."

Date:	2004-11-01 11:28
Subject:	Confession
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

as far as i can remember, i was never the one to initiate a breakup, at least not directly.. or being the one saying, "its not you, its just me" to another person.. but right now, i dunno if i shd tell you how i feel, that i no longer am as attracted to you as b4. i noe u like me a lot, from the way to say and do things, but i cannot force a feeling i no longer have.. i'm so sorrie..

Date:	2004-10-26 22:52
Subject:	Bitchified
Security:	Public
Mood:	bitchy
Music:	I'm A Bitch - FK9

this just in! i got advanced.. meaning i've got to clear my first block tests otherwise those-we-do-not-speak-of will come breathing down my beautiful neck.... that is something i DO NOT want to experience.. so i plan, and the word is PLAN, to get chem and maths tuition ASAP... hope it will work..

i was in super bitch mode for my previous entry man.. only realised that when i read back.. COOLz.

Quote: "i'M going to have a B.F.!"

hhaha.. those of u who noe shd noe.. heh..

damn, im still lost as to where i shd go.. i wan to do music, but i dunno why most people just cant seem to imagine a guy could grow up to be a music teacher.. thats wat my piano teacher said..

in chinese, with a china accent no less, "teaching is a female profession, i dun tink a guy like u would want to grow up and be a piano/music teacher rite?" come to think of it, i really do not mind u noe..

haha.. she even added this, "nafa has alot of pretty girls. The blah blah faculty has quite nice girls, the female pianists are cute, the female artists are also not bad. So i wonder what u will be doin in NAFA my boy."

well, i noe NAFA has goot looking ppl, but its the 'super cute boys' (source: Tan Pei Ying) im interested in, my dear lao3 shi1... cant u see that by now? i mean, u've taught me for like a gazillion years already...

-a B.F. relapse- SHIT.. i hate this, i hate the Singaporean mindset that the A levels is the only goot thing.. the rest are all inferior.. and sad to say, no matter how much i try, im still a victim of this vicious mindset... screw it all to hell man...

so for now, i am most likely to stay on.. only if new info comes in saying that i either retain or kicked out will i SERIOUSLY consider NAFA..

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! a NEW discovery was MADE.. but i shall not say it.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..

"The Battle Has Just Begun."