my my, i dunno if ppl are still reading this.. but i've finally gotten the new blog up and running... its still a work in progress but at least its a proper, basic blog already.... see ya there!

seriouslycreamy.blogspot.com

Date:	2005-11-01 01:21
Subject:	I'm Shifting. Soon. I Think.
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake

I tink i will be closing down this blog and transfering everything into a new place and it will be combined with my frenster blog as well. This place has served me well the past 3 years so i tink its time for something new.
So ya.. it's still a work in progress and be sure to look out for the new blog!

"I'm SO Gonna Need Lotsa Help And Determination"

Date:	2005-07-24 00:38
Subject:	On Hindsight
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

Reading my previous post, i must admit I did sound bad and vulgar. I'm sorrie if i had offended any one out there with that language, but i will not remove that post for this blog serves as a repository of my memories. What is done is done, no use denying that. I don't think i can hate anyone just yet. I just cannot bring myself to hate.

I was angry and let my feelings get the better of me, but now, days later, I felt that i just over-reacted. Like i always do. I wish i wasnt like this, I wish the situation would improve, and i wish i hadnt blew my top.

Ya, it's all just wishful thinking.

"I Don't Believe In Goodness Anymore"

Date:	2005-07-17 01:03
Subject:	Fuck You
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off

And now he is telling me he wants to be str8. His very own words, "to try not to explore the other side, and be normal." Well, the first thing i wan to say is, FUCK YOU.

So what, i was nothing but something you were 'exploring'? You are saying that I am abnormal? Anyone else who don't know me can say i'm abnormal for all they want. But this coming from YOU is just... i don't even know what to say anymore. And what, that everything was just some kind of experiment to check out your sexuality?

I hate you now, i really do. You put me through hell while u were just 'exploring'. U took something from me I can never get back. You made me lose my faith in all who claim they are bisexuals. Before i met you, I told myself not to mess with bisexuals because the pain of losing them is doubled by the very nature of their sexuality. And as usual, i never listened to myself, and now i got burnt bad. Thank you for searing this painful lesson into my head.

Fuck, now that you say u wan to be str8, dun let me catch with another guy coz i swear i will fucking kill you.

"Get Out Of My Head!"

Date:	2005-06-22 01:39
Subject:	And I Thought It Was Over
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely

Saw him in school today when i went back to study. I really did not expect to see him. As in, after almost two weeks of not seeing him and literally not talking to him whatsoever, I had an easier time telling myself to get over it. But seeing him today nearly erased my two weeks of painful, hard work. In fact, i got so scared that i actually turned hostile and totally ignored him. The only we "spoke" was when he was leaving to go home. He was saying bye to everyone and surprisingly he actually called out my name (which is rare, coz he almost never says my name when we say bye any other time in the past) and said bye. Slightly stunned, i just replied, "orh, bye bye," without so much as looking at him. I think if he hadn't said bye to me, i wouldn't have said a word.

I know this is absolute jerk behaviour, but i really dunno what gotten into me the moment i saw him in sch... Guess i'm still not completely over him...

"I Want To Know What You Are Thinking"

Date:	2005-06-18 00:40
Subject:	Get Over It
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful

I told myself, "I am going to get over him. He is not worth it. You will find someone better. Someone better than him in ALL aspects." I really couldn't believe myself. I really cannot believe, at least at this point in time, that there is someone out there who will better him in all aspects, from the person himself, to the situation of the whole experience.

Maybe there is and I hope i will find it somehow. I want to look back and say I was stupid and dumb to get so messed up by him, and not look back and say that I never really gotten over him.

Yes. I will.

"I Once Loved You, And Even Though You Are No Longer Mine, The Memories Will Stay With Me Forever."

Date:	2005-06-15 16:39
Subject:	Speechless
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely

I actually found his sgboy profile when I was surfing profiles last night. My heart nearly stopped when I saw his pictures. For a moment there I couldn't think, couldn't breathe.

Why? Because I never expected him to have a profile on sgboy, furthermore have his pictures blatently put there for all to see. I was shocked. Then when I read the things he said on his profile, I got scared/angry/sad all at the same time. The types he is into, the fetishes he has... I never knew, and that's what really got to me. Even his "relationship status" was put as "rather not say"... (Rather not say??? What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?) But the icing has got to be when under the heading "seeking for", he actually put "sex". I nearly died. Serious.

Then the next day I plucked up enough courage to go tell him that I saw his profile. I asked him why he put such things and he said it was for fun, to see what kind of people would msg him. That he was lazy to choose the options. Woah, I really dint know wat to believe anymore. His profile stated that he was on sgboy like 2 months before we even got together. I was scared. But I told myself to just ignore it and tell him, as a friend, that his profile is disturbing for people who know him. And he promptly changed some things on his profile. When I read it again, I sighed - at least it now looks like a profile I know.

Do you think he really created the original profile for fun? Or was it really the true him? I dunno.

"When You Left I Lost A Part Of Me."

Date:	2005-06-09 18:10
Subject:	Lost
Security:	Public
Mood:	groggy

The choir chalet has come and gone. After waking up from my nap, I feel lost and lonely. Having him around for the past 3 days does things to my head, now I seem to be having withdrawal symptoms. For 3 consecutive days, he was around whenever I thought about him, suddenly thats's over. I just can't seem to get him out of my head now.

We had fun of course, the BBQ, going to the beach at 2 in the morning, nearly getting drunk. Speaking of getting drunk, I think being half-drunk caused me to become hyper sensitive to everything about him. I actually got jealous and then angry and then sad all in about half an hour. On hindsight, I think that was silly, but I still dunno why I acted that way.

Sometimes I think that it's really sad that JC life will only last you for 2 years. If only more of such gatherings and chalets and outings can happen without making us feel so guilty for the A levels. But thats the sad fact of the JC education system. I am so looking forward to the times we are SO going to have after the A levels, and maybe then I would have really gotten over him and we could all do things together without me lapsing into my "depressed" mode, which btw, has been getting under more control now, even though my heart still wrings everytime I see him and know I cannot have him.

I think he is one person who I've really come to love. I dunno why but it's just that way. I just hope that one day soon I'll be able to handle this love for him by myself and maybe find another one that will love me just the way i love him.

"Everything Means Nothing, If I Ain't Got You Baby."

Date:	2005-06-03 17:48
Subject:	I Dreamed That Love Would Never Die
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained

its been about 3 days since i blurted out everything to him online (31th May, Tues) .. and since then, we almost never saw each other. the only times i saw him was before chem SPA and before chemistry lecture. And we dint even acknowlegded each other's presence. My friend told me it would be best if i just totally kept him out of my life for now, that keeping him out of sight may help me get over him.

todae i came home and when i was alone for a moment before i lay down in bed to rest, i realised just how much i actually missed him. Oh god, the intensity of that yearning.

I miss looking into his eyes, how they seem to say a thousand words and yet say nothing. i miss just standing beside him and feeling his aura, making me feel comfortable and warm and fuzzy. i miss his scent that makes me go wild inside. I miss seeing him smile and laugh and do his quirky little actions that never fails to melt my heart.

And all that just after 3 days of technically not seeing him. I tot things would work out after that long discussion we had online. Apparently not.

"absence makes the heart fonder" finally i understood and felt the full extent of that phrase, even though not in the best of circumstances.

I guess the world is really unfair. The same fren also told me this, "you are goin to break people's hearts, just as how other's are goin to break yours. That's how it all is." It makes sense, but I've ever truly fallen only for two person in my life, that is one of my best frens in sec sch and him. The cruel thing is that both of them cannot bring themselves to love me as much as i do them. Perhaps this is life's way of telling me i can't be loved. Maybe its because i'm gay that i'm going through all this shit now. Maybe its not my time yet. I will still hold on to the dream that someday, somehow, someone is going to love me as much as i love him.

Yeah, dream on.

"I Dreamed A Dream In Days Gone By, When Hope Was High And Life Worth Living."

Date:	2005-06-01 01:50
Subject:	Him
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

Looks like I've cleared up a whole ton of stuffs with him. On MSN, oh the irony. I felt relieved, that finally i get to tell him how i really feel. I'm not exactly happy or sad now, i just feel that i can carry on with life. Maybe tomolo i can see him in a new light, maybe from now on i won't get to distressed over him. Maybe now I've really learnt to let go?

If you ever read this, I want to tell you that I will love you no matter what. Even though we are just friends now, perhaps after tonight, i've really learnt how to love you from a distance, to appreciate what we have been through. I cannot say how sorry I am for being such a jerk all along. I cannot believe all the shit i've put you through. You still mean far more than just a friend to me. All i ask for now is that you'll be there for me, just as I'll be there for you.

"To Love Is To Let Go"

Date:	2005-06-01 00:25
Subject:	Loveless
Security:	Public
Mood:	angry

Sometimes it really pisses me off when I absolutely have no idea what's he thinking. Especially when he does things that seem to suggest that he doesn't even treat me as a friend anymore.

Well, I never intended for our relationship to go this way. You mean so much more than just a friend to me. But people change, perhaps it's me, or perhaps it's you. I would give anything to save this, but right now I cannot think of anything that will.

I really don't know what to think anymore.

Date:	2005-05-30 23:55
Subject:	All Things Are But Transient
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely

Has it been that long? Anyway, i finally got to watch Star Wars III today. I love love love the C.G.I.s. So bloody cool.

I have not felt this way since the time I left TK choir almost 2 years ago. And this time, the feeling came back with a vengence. The farewell dinner was a particularly emotional one. People whom I never expected actually started tearing. It is immensely sad to leave the choir after two short years. I will have to recalibrate my life again. The first saturday after the farewell dinner felt so empty, usually I would be rushing down with kY to Siglap CC for choir prac. But instead I woke up and stared out my window, wondering how am I going to spend my saturdays. Oh please don't tell me to study, at least not now.

I don't want to leave the choir. It feels as though this departure marks something deeper, that I'm not just leaving the choir but losing something else as well. I don't want affirmation of my loss. It is so unfair that it all lasted so fleetingly. I am so scared to let go, so afraid I would never find another one like him. It feels as though the chance of anything of this sort happening again in this life is one in a billion. That's how much he means to me. But in this reality of life, I'm forced to let it go. Slowly and painfully, but certainly.

"All Things Are But Transient"

Date:	2005-05-24 00:26
Subject:	Bitch Fit
Security:	Public
Mood:	bitchy

If I may say this, something is seriously wrong with the education system in Singapore. Maybe I'm just being irritated-ly biased but everywhere I go, I meet more and more people dreading school. And I don't think the dread is that ordinary, "wah-lao-so-sianz-don't-feel-like-going-school" kind of dread, it's more like "what-the-fuck-have-I-gotten-myself-into" dread. It's so bad it's driving people out of their minds. All around me people are devolving into mindless zombies trying to cram as much infomation as possible, only to reguritate it during some major shit exams. How creative.

Sometimes I wonder why in the great big world did I choose this route. I knew it would be difficult, but nothing prepared me for what I'm going through now. Mentally and physically exhausted, I just feel like dropping everything and sleep for the whole year.

"All I Want Is To Hold You Tight, Treat You Right."

Date:	2005-05-18 21:49
Subject:	Use Your Brain, Use Your Brain!
Security:	Public
Mood:	irritated

Apparently my blog is causing some unrest... Well, to you people out there who reads this blog and not know everything, PLEASE don't assume. I can't believe people actually believe what's written here. For all you know, everything in this blog is merely a figment of my overactive imagination. Yeah, so please don't say things you are not sure of. I have helluva trouble trying to clear things up. Surely you don't want the same thing to happen to you. And I still stick to what I said in my previous entry far far back - the truth of it all in still embedded in between the lines. And now, only I can decipher what I entered, simply because you never know who you can or cannot trust these days.

Go figure.

"Be Wary Of Who You Trust"

Date:	2005-05-15 12:03
Subject:	For The Last Time, Fuck Off.
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

To the fucking low-life who has been anonymously posting in my blog : if you are not happy with it, just fuck off and don't read it. You are just a bloody coward to post such things anonymously.

My blog has been gay as gay can be, since the start of this blog. Live with it asshole.

Have a nice day.

Date:	2005-05-14 19:48
Subject:	Madly In Love
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

I shdnt make myself look desperate anymore. Usually when there is a chance to go out with him, i would go all out to make sure the outing happens. But today, I actually forced myself to go home after prac even though deep inside, i sure as hell want to go out with him. I know i act like a total bastard sometimes, but believe me, i'm trying hard to find the balance with him. Like i said previously, I have to treat him like a platonic friend.

Maybe finally, i'm getting used to the fact that this is one more love found and love lost. I just pondered why am i still so crazy over this even after so long. It's all because it was so rare.

Rare, that's why. That's why i find it so hard to put down, it's my first time experiencing something so rare, i'm not sure if it will ever happen again.

So now i'm getting used to treating him just like a friend, even though deep inside, i know i still am madly in love with him.

"I Will Always Be Looking Out For You, Even If You Never Noticed."

Date:	2005-05-12 22:49
Subject:	Just Overwhelmed
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	Chamber Singers - O Magnum Mysterium

A people person. That's what i think i am. I feel pretty alright when i'm ard people. But when i'm alone, my mind starts to wander. And it will invariably wander to him. A million and one "what if"s pop into my head, threatening to overwhelm me. I wished I could climb into a time machine and live those days over again. People ard me keep saying i would find someone better. Even today, ironically, during the TV serial, one of the dialogues went something like, "if you would just put the past behind and open up ur heart, you would surely find someone better."

Perhaps that's true, and given my past experiences, i would think it true too. But then again, the experience this time was just so radically different, so dream-like, so good it was almost unreal.

Yeah, unreal, that's wat it is now. All but memories playing out in my mind again and again, so afraid i would lose them because memories are all that i have left of those times.

Sometimes, i dont wan CCAs to end. Because all the times we go out these days is after CCA. If not for CCA, i dont think i can get the chance to talk to him. So we'll just see what happens after we step down from CCA. Somehow, i feel that we would drift apart. Maybe that's just the pessimistic me. Ya. I shd stop being me.

"If Only I Could Turn Back Time."

Date:	2005-05-08 23:55
Subject:	The Irony Of Love
Security:	Public
Mood:	blank

I read through all my previous posts and i realised that i've said so many "a part of me..." that it's starting to sound schizophrenic. Whatever la, that's how i really feel sometimes - a part of me here and a part of me there...

Read Teddy's blog and i must say he can write pretty darn well. But it was sad, and i can feel every thing he is saying, because i am feeling that way too.

Teddy: Call me and talk to me if u need to ok? i'll be there. And feel free to cry in front of me, i will try my best to make it all bearable. How, i dunno, but i will try.

In a way, i feel like i've somewhat gotten over him. Thats not to say that my heart doesnt skip a beat when i see him, or that i've stopped stealing glances of him during lectures. No, it just feels as though i've resigned to my fate, like some part in me is saying "its no use anymore. Stop wishing Gerald, you noe its never goin to come true again."

Well, perhaps. Then again, perhaps not.

"I Will Love You Anyways, Even If Its A Lonely Fight."

Date:	2005-05-06 22:53
Subject:	Thank You All.
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

Thanks a million to all those who read my blog and gave really sweet comments. The world needs more people like you guys, even though i dun even noe some of you at all. :p

Mary: HA! i din noe u read my blog! but thanks anyway babes... i miss you so so so much....

And yes, MJC choir will try their best to make LR2 a memorable one... oooo i can just imagine it...

ok, on to todae. i just came back from changi village (for nasi lemak) with the usual bunch of ppl (ky, joy, hr and me) after the sch sports dae, which was such a drab..

such a quaint little place that changi... then we went to the beach after eating and saw a few planes land. Ya, you noe wat im goin to say already - i started to think about it again... wishing i could do wat i would do. You get the drift. Then i tot to myself, i shdnt let this affect anybody, so i just acted happy all the way from the beach to the bus stop.

It was tiring, trying so hard to cover my real feelings with a happy/crazy facade, but after a while, i tink it worked. I felt calm enough to talk to him on the bus, but this time he became very withdrawn. At the point in time, i wished i knew wat he was thinking. I could not sense anything from him, i dint even noe whether he was angry with me, tired of my moodiness or if he actually felt the same way i felt at the beach or he was simply physically tired. I really couldnt tell. So i just acted nothing has happened and continued talking to ky and joy.

We went home after the bus reached tampines and i smsed him a safe and quick journey home. And now, here i am, typing this entry, thinking about how things would be like at that beach if the situation was different from now.

"I Wish You Could Know Just How Much I Love You."

Date:	2005-05-02 23:41
Subject:	Just A Note.
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold

To all those ppl commenting in my blog, pls tell me who you are. Unless you are those fuckers out there who cannot stand this blog, i would otherwise really appreciate it if u could identify yourself. Thankz!