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[14 Dec 2003|04:29am] |
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mood |
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 drained |
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music |
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Ben Folds - evaporated |
] |
new ID, finally catching up on sleep (thus being awake at 4am after falling asleep at 6pm), all fucking consuming snow that doesn't let any light through, but today was my Christmas.... my desire to be with the little brown eye, kid of the scary and superhero of legendary strength grows with every day.
wisdom tooth has to stop its totalitarian advances to the surface
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[09 Dec 2003|06:02am] |
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mood |
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 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Byrds - Turn |
] |
So maybe it was just a dream, something concucted in my head that was never in fact true. Life seems to be just a perpetual engine of miscommunication and irony.
If you don't break their heart they'll break yours...someone always has to be a loser, it couldn't work otherwise.
think of the most ironic thing that could happen to you right now, get used to the idea because tomorrow it's going to happen
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| umm CRAZY |
[27 Nov 2003|08:19am] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
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coldplay |
] |
here's an update on how crazy i am, if u wanna compare it to something check out the May 27th entry
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[06 Nov 2003|02:32pm] |
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mood |
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sever depression and fatigue |
] |
what are you supposed to do when everytime you fall alseep you have nightmares
every nightmare mimiks what you hate about your life and teases you
everytime you wake up you can't stop yourself from crying
i don't want to live like this anymore, i can't live like this anymore
something has to change now, if i have another nightmare like that i'm slashing my wrists, taking lots of pills, hanging myself on a rope....
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[12 Oct 2003|03:38pm] |
i fucking hate my life
death has never seemed so appealing and happy
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[08 Sep 2003|02:27am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
] |
so i realized that i am still capable of getting butterflies like i used to while looking through my photo web site...very intense butterflies
also apparently i'm skinny enough that when i sit on something i end up feeling my butt bones dig into the sit and that really hurts (i remember getting bruises on my ass from sitting on pic-nic tables when i was younger).
also clean the room operation is pretty much done. All that still needs to be completed is dispersal of things i will not be taking with me i.e. getting shit that's not mine out of my room and into their proper places. After this i must pack which i think i'll do tomorrow evening...as for during the day i have errands to run and the very difficult task of cleaning out my car (so all my shit could fit in it)...
to any normal person that might seem like a job for few minutes (and it might turn out that everything in my car is garbage and thus should be thrown out which doesn't take long) but my car contains a plethera of items. starting with shoes and a lava lamp that i never unpacked after spring quarter and ending with millions of empty cigarette packs...
i hate feeling this anxious but i just want to be done with this shit and out of here. packing and un packing aren't my favorite things in the world. it took me about a week to totally unpack my shit when i came home for the summer, and that wasn't a lot of shit, all of it fit in my little cavalier. i'm hoping to be more organized and skip the boxes. just throw crap into garbage bags, write the general description of the content on bags with permanent marker. that way i can maximize the amount of crap i can fit in, and i'm not wasting my time with boxes. plus i'll have garbage bags for a month to come (unless they ALL rip alot).
i haven't heard from phoebe since the last time i went to columbus. for some reason i feel that she's mad at me but i can't figure out why she's be mad. i should just fucking call her but everytime i think about it it's 2:30am and i don't want to wake her up without really having anything to say (though we always find something to talk about).maybe once i'm out of here and setteled in the dorm i'll have the time during the day to sit down and call her...not maybe, for sure!
ok i might go pass out now
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[02 Sep 2003|11:49pm] |
Dan sent a bunch of pictures of people for my photo web site ( Check it out here)
and really i was excited at first but now i'm noticing myself sitting here staring at the pictures and realizing how much i've missed everyone. For some reason i feel so far away from them right now, ok so 125 miles isn't that close but i feel like we're in different worlds...
my grandfather died last night.
my dad thought it would be best for him to call me and tell me when i was at work.
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[02 Sep 2003|12:44am] |
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mood |
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chipper |
] |
This is the type of conversation i engage in at 2am, btw i love Dead AIM for logging my conversations because i really wanted to post this and accidentally Esc-ed out of it.
Me (1:49:42 AM): hello pooper
My Friend (1:51:24 AM): hey there russian jew
Me (1:51:32 AM): how goes it my dear sir?
My Friend (1:51:47 AM): it goes well my fair lady
My Friend (1:52:03 AM): i spent all day in studio
Me (1:52:04 AM): well that's so grand my dear sir
Me (1:52:09 AM): oh that sucks
My Friend (1:52:37 AM): it sucks a huge shaft
Me (1:52:51 AM): well do you at least like huge shafts?
My Friend (1:53:10 AM): i'm quite fond of my own
My Friend (1:53:17 AM): how did this splendid day fare you?
Me (1:54:03 AM): well after wanting to put a bullet through my head upon having to spend a second day in a row at my father's house i came home and have been happily getting blazed
Me (1:54:37 AM): i love joints
My Friend (1:54:49 AM): yes!
My Friend (1:54:52 AM): i know
My Friend (1:54:57 AM): like totaly
My Friend (1:55:06 AM): like aha
Me (1:55:07 AM): they definitely get me higher when it's just me
Me (1:55:23 AM): among friends a 2 foot bong is great
My Friend (1:55:51 AM): i can't seem to disagree with you tonight
Me (1:55:58 AM): well that is wonderful
Me (1:56:19 AM): oh i've also been working on my little photo web site so i've been a nerd
My Friend (1:56:41 AM): a nude photo website?
My Friend (1:56:47 AM): :-P
Me (1:56:55 AM): awww don't you wish? but alas no
My Friend (1:57:25 AM): milady has very high self esteem
My Friend (1:57:54 AM): wherefore art thuogh so high on yourself?
Me (1:58:04 AM): i do no see a reason for me not to be
My Friend (1:58:18 AM): once again we are in agreement
Me (1:58:41 AM): thou art is pleasatly agrreable this eve
My Friend (1:59:21 AM): well it's nice of you to notice
Me (1:59:34 AM): is thou art stoned or drunk or neither?
My Friend (1:59:56 AM): neigher...unfortunantely
My Friend (2:00:00 AM): oops
My Friend (2:00:04 AM): neither
My Friend (2:00:12 AM): hahaha
Me (2:00:18 AM): that is such a shame, i am almost dissapointed
Me (2:00:55 AM): you should come visit me and the jew sometime at osu - we'll keep you stoned and drunk
My Friend (2:00:58 AM): why must you be sarcastic o sweet maiden of the russian jews
My Friend (2:01:29 AM): yea if only...
My Friend (2:01:35 AM): ...i had a car
Me (2:01:36 AM): my dearest sir you have mistakenly taken my sincerity for sarcasm
My Friend (2:01:39 AM): ...or time
Me (2:01:47 AM): wait, what were you drinking that one time?
My Friend (2:02:00 AM): what one time?
Me (2:02:13 AM): when you saw me in my car in the next lane to you
My Friend (2:02:29 AM): drinking or driving
Me (2:02:36 AM): driving
My Friend (2:02:39 AM): ok
My Friend (2:02:47 AM): that was my moms car
My Friend (2:03:12 AM): alas i am but a wretched soul without my own transportation
Me (2:03:15 AM): so do you have to have people pick you up when you go home?
My Friend (2:03:28 AM): i don't go home
Me (2:03:42 AM): ahh that is the life
My Friend (2:03:50 AM): or itake a bus but that's like twice a year
Me (2:04:26 AM): my parental unit got all weird on me when i mentioned getting an apartment in columbus next summer because i wouldn't be spending it up here
My Friend (2:04:53 AM): haha
My Friend (2:04:57 AM): i love it
My Friend (2:05:02 AM): parental unit
Me (2:05:07 AM): now i have to somehow convince her not to get pissed off
My Friend (2:05:17 AM): good luck
Me (2:05:36 AM): why of course, i have two parental units, one unit is not so parental the other one is entirely too parental
My Friend (2:06:03 AM): the happy medium is always so hard to attain
Me (2:06:21 AM): you speak the truth dearest sir
My Friend (2:06:34 AM): think nothing of it
My Friend (2:06:56 AM): i am but a servant to milady's woes
Me (2:07:01 AM): so i have no idea how to not piss her off by getting my own place when i'm 20...lol
My Friend (2:07:29 AM): you always struck me as a just do it kinda girl
Me (2:07:38 AM): oh my gentle sir, you are too kind
My Friend (2:07:45 AM): so say "fuck it" and do it
Me (2:08:12 AM): well i feel bad leaving the parental unit here all alone and feeling responsible for her lonelyness...but i'll do it anyways
Me (2:08:34 AM): i'll just have a good excuse, like getting a job in one of the labs and saying that i'm persuing my career!!
My Friend (2:08:50 AM): yeah i think she's just wigging out cause she'll be lonely
My Friend (2:09:03 AM): that's very understandable
Me (2:09:12 AM): yeah, but i don't know to make her not lonely
My Friend (2:09:27 AM): two words
My Friend (2:09:38 AM): huge shaft
Me (2:09:48 AM): she doesn't seem interested
Me (2:10:05 AM): and anyways, i'm not here enough to get her one of those
Me (2:11:38 AM): either way, next summer may be painful
My Friend (2:11:47 AM): although i am intrigued we'll have to continiue this some other time, alas my roommate is sleeping and he has to wake up early tomorrow and as a fellow architect i'm sympathetic to his plight
Me (2:12:23 AM): well that is very kind of you sir, more men should follow your care for fellow man
Me (2:12:41 AM): though in the same situation i'm the one typing away until 5am
My Friend (2:12:59 AM): lata
Me (2:13:02 AM): c ya
Session concluded at 2:13:03 AM
Yes, we are not normal and i have no idea what happened with the Shakespearian language crap....alas, we are both russian jews so maybe we're just both crazy.
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[31 Aug 2003|02:44am] |
Oh and here's something....for some reason i translated thisinto, German, Italian, Spanish and French (damn i should do it in russian that would be sweet)...it was originally written in english and i'll post that sometime
for now it's just for you little Adam (sorry if the translation makes little sense, i have no base knowledge of Portugese so i couldn't really check it)
eu quero dar-lhe o mundo.
sim aquele é muito cliche.
mas aquele é o menos que você merece.
quando eu sei você está para baixo,
mim quer prender sua mão.
eu posso sentir sua libra do coração,
através do Internet.
às vezes eu penso que eu sou louco
para que querer o mantenha apertado.
Mas não é nada obcene,
mim importa-se apenas que muito.
Perdoe-me assim para ser
assim sem corte e cru.
Mas nenhuma palavra ocasional
podia descrever meu modo.
Eu quero prendê-lo
assim que firmemente você não pode ouvir
qualquer um dizer
as coisas que você teme.
Eu quero cobri-lo
com que pouco eu tenho.
Você é protegido assim
dos medos e do pesar.
Quando alguém o fere,
eu sinto-o demasiado bom.
Sua agonia é
meu inferno pessoal.
Perdoe-me para dizer
que você merece mais.
Eu sei somente
que eu o conheci antes.
E nivele-me para trás
então soube que você seria
um presente precioso
dado a mim.
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[31 Aug 2003|02:32am] |
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mood |
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on the verge of a break down |
] |
So....my life sucks
my dad turns out to be stupid - it's so weird to prove to a parent that he's fundamentally wrong and to see that fearful look in their eye, almost empty look of finally understanding...
also i am awaiting a nervous break down any day now because i really just need a vacation
and i hate how people concentrate on money so much that it breaks up families and any friendly human relations
and really i just want everyone to get the memo - i'm almost 20, no i'm not 12 mom. i hate being in cleveland - no i don't want to spend another miserable summer here mom. I'm a fucking human being with feelings, and surprise surprise, all humans have feeling - not just you dad. And the discovery of the day, actions speak louder than words - dad.
another miserable day tomorrow because i have to go to a BBQ at dad's and be fake-happy, and fake-enjoy myself.
really, it's funny how igocentric human beings are. We all know when we're hurt, when we feel pain but have no idea when we cause it, and just how much. Of course this doesn't apply to everyone, because some people actually use their heads before making any decisions but it does apply to my dad...i can only hope i'll never become like that. But sadly no matter what he tells me now, or does now, i'll never forgive him and i'll never respect him. Because now i see he is a crazy shmuck, now he sees that he's been a crazy shmuck. It's scary to make someone really honetly see that about themselves especially when u don't think of them as particularly human.
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[29 Aug 2003|09:01pm] |
heute fühle ich wie poop,
das ich nicht an Sie,
zu denken stoppen kann,
aber mindestens ich bin hoch und es gibt keinen Hautausschlag auf meinem Schenkelgecken,
erhalte ich ein dell... wieder und mit ihm ordne ich die Welt
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[26 Aug 2003|05:44pm] |
Time itself is crystallized
Do I listen to my heart my body or my mind?
To love, to lust or to analyze
To hear these shy conflicting cries?
There's always someone left unfed
The aching belly or the vacant bed
It's hard to get these hungers straight
Always something over which to fixate
It's hard to hear what's really being said
I wish I could live outside my head
It's hard to keep them all well fed
To find soul, to make love, to be well read
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[12 Aug 2003|05:09pm] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
] |
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music |
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cold: stupid girl |
] |
umm so i guess it's been a while, which can only be a testiment to how bored i am....
last week i unsucessfully broke my computer, and then yesterday i had fun with the msblast virus - does anyone else think that it was pointless? i mean, was it to show that microsoft is stupid? because we already knew that... if it was one some special date i'd understand but whatever
haven't been in columbus for a while, thinking of going down this weekend but i really don't want to impose on anyone....
blah
nap time
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| aorgharkbghiuvfistinkshlrihslkh |
[23 Jul 2003|01:47am] |
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mood |
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 high |
] |
so after a weekend in columbus i pretty much get three days off work - weeeeee
i really need the sleep because for some reason i feel drained even though i didn't really do much at all
as usual good time was had in columbus, i wish the boys were around more but i knew they wouldn't be from the start so i can't bitch
felt really stupid a couple of times when my brain would go into overload and i'd sit there quietly for a while - probably looked really stupid from the side but fuck it..no not anal sex...eeww...kinda...
anyways
47 more days until i get the fuck out of here
it was scary, for the first 20 minutes that i was driving away from columbus i was thinking in my head "turn around, you really don't want to do this, turn around... but i can't, that's not practical" and then as soon as i got onto 271 i started almost feeling physically sick..and as soon as i got out of the car i felt tears...and like i had only left home that morning not 2 days ago.... how fucking weird? it's like now my hatred towards this place is subconsious - yipppppyy...oh well, if i thought that the summer would be a good time to cut down on smoking now i need to do it to get through the day
i'm not complaining though
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[15 Jul 2003|10:58pm] |
too cranky
too bitchy
too undecided
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| enough's enough |
[09 Jul 2003|01:10pm] |
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mood |
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 relieved |
] |
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music |
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Hava nagila |
] |
life's too short to be depressed
and life's too amazing to be depressed
and i just needed a reminder of how not alone i am in this great life and now i want to share it with the world, or at least the people i care most about, and there are so many of them and i love them all so much
especially someone who makes me want to be a better person, i don't think there will ever be enough words or way to tell him thank you, but he knows
and he knows how to keep me sane which is what i need so much
thank you poop head, i miss you but even though i'm not there with you, everytime i talk to you you make me happier than i could have ever asked you to
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[08 Jul 2003|11:03pm] |
it never seems to end
i can only make myself believe that i'm happy for a few hours at a time...or is it that i try to make everyone else believe that i'm happy...
why is it that people have a way of making me feel like i'm a second class person without even trying? i mean, i don't have the highest self-confidence, so maybe no one needs to tell me that i'm a second class person i feel like i'm one to begin with..but why?
i mean really, i'm not that bad...
what's more is why do people think it's ok to be condesending to me? yeah i'm only 19 and being a small person physically with short hair i may seem like a 12 year old... but i'm not (12 years old) obviously, and i know a thing or two about life i mean jesus why is it that it's to hard to just feel loved...
how fucking hard to i have to try...haven't i proven myself enough, haven't i been a good enough friend to be respected....and why the fuck am i MYSELF so hard on myself....
i mean, most things that bring me down are really small things, things that no one else would let get to them...but i let them get to me...maybe i just have so many memories of being neglected, forgotten and unloved and i fear people making me feel like that so much ever again that i am preparing myself to be treated like that... and if there's the slightest chance that someone is trying to make me feel neglected, unloved and like shit i assume that that's what they're doing when in fact it's just in my head.....
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[04 Jul 2003|02:36pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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so, my depression is reaching a new low... maybe not new because i remember a time when i was jus as depressed but damn, that was a really long while ago.
i fucking woke up depressed today, that's really something... i can't even laugh about it anymore and i've ceased to have control over it. i fucking hate being like this but apparently there's not a damn thing i can do about it - weeeee
i'm soooo lonely, and sooo tired of being lonely...
all i want to do is just sleep through the whole weekend so it goes by faster, so i don't have to be reminded of how depressed i am all the time
but that's probably not going to happen seeing as i'm sure mom won't let me sleep the whole weekend and will find some shit for me to do..for her...
so, here we go... hopefully this day won't be long and will be over soon
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| poopity poop poop |
[03 Jul 2003|01:46am] |
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mood |
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crushed |
] |
wwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
yes, that's my imitation of a crying baby...no i'm not crying, stupid!
but
i'm exhausted
10 hour work day on tuesday
making dinner after at 9pm because no one else decided to make food...as a matter of fact i'm forgotten when it comes to food alot. like today when i was asked if it was ok if she finished the left over and i said "ok, i'll just have some ice cream"...half an hour later she mentioned that i forgot about the ice cream... i thought she put it in a bowl and it was waiting for me, nope, she just ignored me and got herself food and me..nothing
and what's the deal with ex boyfriends?
no only did i get totally pissed at one, who actually made me cry last night
but then i see another one today
and right after that a third called
is it let's fuck alex over week??? or is that just the theme of my life?
so anyways
along with being 3 hours late to work this morning and finding out that chances are i won't see my friends this weekend because it looks like the boys don't have a ride and phoebe's going to be camping... this sucks...this really really sucks....
it's the fucking 4th of july, when people celebrate mass geneside of the natives of this land of the free and i get to be all alone, correction, with mom...
why do i feel like i miss zak more than he'll ever know? and why do i miss him so much?
damn it, i know it's only wednesday and chance are if they don't come down this weekend i won't see them for at least nother week or two and i'll just go totally nuts then, i'm crazy enough as is...
this poops, all over me
well must sleep or i'll be late for work again
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