Snugglefuck's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2004-04-23 21:47
Subject:looking for (i've been listening to way too much rap)

placing these love-weary
drug-weary steps
in the general direction
of the same fucking place
and i thought i was in line
but i guess i lost my space
my room to breathe
and kiss flesh again
the air for me to break through to
sky through
to fill my lungs
to lie with
pumping blood to these heart-torn
and i'm searching out simplicity
just one day
starved down to necessity
waste it with me
i wish i could need more
need love
but i just want one day

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Date:2004-02-03 12:20

if i told you you could hear it would you listen? because it's breaking so loud betwen my skin and bone and crying viens. broken pieces. splintered tears cut eyelids to the quick and pain and all dried up anyway. cry for me. bleed for me. break for this lost night. dreaming spinning streaming words of fear and loss. regret.

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Date:2004-01-03 10:29
Subject:i smoked the whole thing to my head

and feel it wash away
brought in the new year with anything but a sober smile.....with a drunken Llama kiss and Peaches on my arm. with a thousand tiny pieces of a world i'd like to unravel, a story i'd like to retell.
but the dark fell off skin, here under hurting lights i'm bared to their simple screaming. no more death.

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Date:2003-12-30 08:21

i'm waiting for the stars to move. waiting until i can touch these flesh wounds....scars and words and video tapes. i don't want to go home alone tonight. i don't want to sleep in empty arms.
sun-spill over shades of her skin just right. /hold still/ /perfect baby, perfect/ /flash/ /click/. my life on fake-shine paper, and once the negatives are exposed to all this ugly of me they fade....corners curl up tight to keep their secrets. make me another drink, will you boy? i'll sleep on the couch tonight.

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Date:2003-12-03 17:22
Subject:blisters on my heels
Music:Para Noir--Marylin Manson

........but heaven is harsh, and fire unfaithful
clocks....clocks are running my life in simple ticking time i'm losing..losing...losing. but today is not worse than what it can be. i am not tangled in the evanescent rapture of simple lies. stole Sea a mug from the dmv...go me go! and with something like this back in my life i am constantly friendship and fear and love and do fragile strands destroy so much of what they touch? lies, and secrets. all of this hidden underneath because we don't want you to see....tick tick tick. because we're all dumb and jaded. but little things give it all away--everything we've tried to ignore and leave behind. nothing leaves. nothing stays for long enough. twist this up inside until the beginning is the end...the perfect ending when everything's broken and there's nothing left to do but leave. so i'm leaveing. i hope to come back someday, pick this up off the side of the road and ask the questions kept silent under touching and meaningless conversation...tick tick tick tick. unravel until it's done, finish it for once. spit it out. drag me down.....tick tick tick tick tick tick.
and i hope to god i figure out what's wrong...

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Date:2003-11-27 22:49
Subject:fun new languages!!
Music:Hey You--Pink Floyd

sedere qui sotto il nostro alone di fumo e le memorie delle notti passate. un pane tostato alla sopravvivenza, perché possiamo sopravvivere questo. ....we've fatto esso, è stato prima cosí gli angeli tombino-punk di molti amanti. le ali rotte e tentando tuttavia di volare libero del passato ed il dolore ricordando le prese. qualcuno essere la nostra evasione e la nostra sicurezza. ma le notti non durano in qualcuno altro il letto, perché fa tutto il galleggiante lontano-unIl . la stasera è la di uno rompendo. ma noi può stare in piedi ruvido di questo, parola ed amaro labbro . Dunque arricceremo su contro il freddo ed il sogno di fumo e di ali. ...broken le penne sul marciapiede falso ma possiamo spirale su e fuori dalla melma amara. possiamo trovare delle ali nascoste sotto il letto della pelle più caldo. .....find un ragazzo di tombino-angelo di baciare lontano le stelle le più fredde. l'un l'altro le labbra la lama la più affilata che sappiamo. loro tiene tranquillo stasera. la bevanda alla forza. la bevanda alla respirazione attraverso a.
sitting here under our halo of smoke and past nights' memories. a toast to survival, because we can survive this.....we've done it before, been so many lovers' gutter-punk angels. wings broken and still trying to fly free of the past and the pain remembering holds. someone to be our escape and safety. but the nights don't last in someone else's bed, why does it all float away--a vapor exhale lost to the stars. the wind tonight is the music of a million hearts breaking. but we can stand harsher winds than this, word winds and bitter lip fists. so we'll curl up against the cold and dream of smoke and wings....broken feathers on untrue pavement but we can spiral up and out from the bitter slush. we can find wings hidden under warmer skin's bed......find a gutter-angel boy to kiss away the coldest stars. each others' lips the sharpest blade we know. keep them quiet tonight. drink to the strength. drink to breathing through to summer again.

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Date:2003-11-22 23:33
Subject:these stupid words over and over again: thank you for destroying me
Mood:pretty ganga puffed
Music:Trying to Make Me--Lennon Murphy

stood on top of the sky tonight to look down on the lights and pull the smoke in deeper.
used pale flesh to divert attention, entice half-wanted praises, eyes, fingers, words. painted a torn picture of darker days gone now, drowned under what i was kept from, pressing my fingers against the glass......weighed, measured, and found wanting. [did you ever notice that i only speak when spoken to? only keep going after the smoke] took this easier jump from the air, faster down and harder.....slapped down with nothing more than an exhale. took the sadest shot i saw....proof of what is was...maybe there is no reason for it anyway. keep these dreams dancing deeper through with the cut of guitar strings pulled tight across the air. inhale. it's trying to say something darker in thatn i've touched yet, pictures of it still shocking through me. never explained itself to me when i asked, just the time and arrow shooting back....let me find the question to explain this. exhame. someday i will remember what the key looked like and hand it over so you can open me up. the sun was shining and all it touched was loss. the sun was shining to make it deeper, to press it brighter and hotter--every outline, every word and shadow move on the background. inhale. doors swung shut so long ago, denied as less than what it is to scream......denied as too superficially hurt, not enough. greyer eyes than truly seeing. exhale.
remembered the thicker nights of smoke and soda, the rush under our skin from the drug, eyes wide open and caught in every shimmering of skin against the dark. inhale. do you remeber the nights of howling and the boys? the salt rush......and later the dissonance in the song of the ocean. exhale. turned to broken-voiced howls by the colder sunrise, unraveled by their hands, and all the lyrics that showed the bitter of the truth. inhale. remember the old Passion taste of loss--it's deoderant smell buried in our clothing. exhale.
and anywhere past that is pain. empty pain that never left, its ache still clawing at my chest. inhale. the icy breath still in my lungs. all of that cold, and me in this igloo. Exhale.

oh my god, my bed wouldn't be any warmer if i peed in it.
sit yourself down and speak real softly--pay my attention to the things you dont say, i'll turn them this way and i'll turn them the other way

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Date:2003-11-22 00:05
Subject:this is you

this is you somewhere else for the darkness' protection. this is me guarding your dream-breath to know that the night can still be ture. this is broken and scattered.....different lives pushed here all at once and down my throat.
wishing it could be enough but there's something hoolow here. a girl crying next to my bed, a secret binding me....a lie unborn. and the raging sky scraped down a little on my sking tonight, all this smoke i have to keep me warm....winter turning it's head to let this play out in black and white and red. tried to curl up just right against you to love your huddled form. tried to listen just say just enough to let you believe i trust you....

do i really have anything to say?

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Date:2003-11-21 23:46
Subject:i am scabs
Music:Lennon Murphy

i am hidden, not yet healed and begging to be torn open. but that is another day for stories.
tonight is lonely and waiting for goodbye. do i have to do this? does this have to be the change complete? what is there to say to death? it does not know the secrets you have yet to share, the stories still untold between tongues. and there was the cliff tonight, laughing so close to tires. just the falling and it's over, but the fear of those dream-knives. i'm going to die. the fear is more real than you tell yourself.......and i don't remember where my days went....something more than this to be.
i think tonight that i deserve this only answer in the face of destiny--the punchline. laughed a twisted grin and dragged this circle around again, jump these same stronger this time, colder, better..

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Date:2003-11-08 17:35

(this is old....but somehow always relevant. just saving it from the depths of FOD)

you said you wanted to give me wings--to help me fly the way i helped you. why are you tearing them apart? all that's left is blood and feathers, the ache in my shoulders from where Beauty once found a home against my skin. why are you pushing me so far away? i can't be everyone's second-best forever. i'm sick of standing beside the Alpha-Females. you, liz, jessi. i'm sick of being used to make people feel better about themselves. i'm sorry, but i'm not the most beautiful girl in the crowd, i hardly get noticed next to the radiance i don't have.....i know, i know. i'm so young, there's so much ahead of me, bullshit, bullshit, blah blah blah. i have this Flaming Parrot hair, that gets stares, and this child's body that gets touched and forgotten. thanks for the reminder that i'm easy to leave behind, easy to push out of the room. sleeping on the couch again. staring at closed doors again. the people i care about keep closing doors so they can feel better than me. i already know that you are, you don't have to prove it to me. well, i can't fly anymore, i fell a long time ago, and words keep clawing at my shoulders where i once had wings. there were never large or glowing, they were just enough to keep me afloat some days. but they're gone. all i have left is memory of wind on my face, fingers loving my skin. go ahead, forget me. close the door. i will sleep on the couch so you can know that i am second-best.

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Date:2003-11-08 16:50
Subject:song on mubness
Music:"Walking and Thinking"--Ra

and it hits hard like a high slapping across your face--watching that bullet singing towards me. powerless to stop it. like you never woke up from the nightmare at all, like your head never really broke the surface. and i'm fine because i'm nothing, because i can't even feel it on the surface anyway. body mechanical to make it easier, to keep it simple. i can see it anyway all the same old movements through new days. walking and thinking away anything left on my skin, keep it simple, keep it empty, don't show it touch inside. and maybe I’ll come out of it. maybe i just forgot how to ask. maybe i don't want you knowing. don't want to give you the ability to hurt me. but the nights don't help any. awake so scared in an empty bed. whispering to your intonations--past now--but i know every rise and fall under your throat.
don't i fake this skin so pretty? how does it look all wrapped away in nothing you can touch? how does this distance look to you? you're so far already that you can't even see it. all of these fears falling into place. drifting beyond where you want to see me looking lost against the Dark. shivering around my cigarette, muscles knotted beyond the help of skilled hands. i'm all tied up inside, where i don't want your fingers' help. trying to get it all undone, but just lashing it up smaller. as long as there are no loose ends i'm fine................right?. confused as to where to put a heart that i'm ignoring, numb to dispel the pain. i don't want it anymore. so i the numb fell down quick, nothing like a bullet-blast to shatter my emotion across the floor.

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Date:2003-11-06 15:28
Subject:everything you do is self-fucking-destructive
Music:coheed and cambria

Dressed myself up in numb
Black and white today for lack
Of something better to fit between
Cold to dark and burning star
Explosions over skin untruths

Pushed your fingers between skin to find
something more gentle and complete
a pleasure undiscovered
wrapped knuckles tight around my neck
hear the sound pulse, swollen vibrations thickening
through me. Fit yourself into the empty
space they’d made inside, but only stayed
a little while

pulled away quiet, careful
lacking what you sought but slick with your own
promise. Cotent to let it go
pressing tongue against the wound
everything inside of me crawling
towards self-destruction, skin wet with
filling sky, cold and burnt to tears
salt and thick

kept my body strung
tight so many metal rocks with prying teeth
begging to slip into me
unusually clumsy
in the dark reminding pieces of bone to keep
quiet under tongue Reminding me how warm
it once was, deeper, sweeter, harder
rolled the taste between palms
to sweeten lips

flung thoughts against the moon
to twist it more red, passionthick
danced fingertips to cheek, digging into colder skin
dried up kisses, and remember letting go?
Felt your palm against my cheek, held every piece of me
in hands and pressed yourself against them
to dig the pain deeper, gave a little bit

wondered if you felt the numb or just
forgot that it’s colder than you’ve become
tried to change this one
body quiet, mouth careful on
the most tender part. Nerves tensed
controlling every second to hold
the darker drawings inside veins. Maybe the salt
will melt all up someday instead of clinging
rough against the warmest, brittle places deepestinside.

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Date:2003-11-04 11:21
Subject:The Demon's Story
Mood:please kill me

started so simple with Llama and the Demon. Started simple like old scars--the potential for pain--the stem of a rose. it isn't a rose without the torns, and he loved to use the pain of them and walk away. started simple like wearing a mask so he never had to show that all of it hurt him, so he could scare and destroy and let his rose be nourished by flame. but simple things move quickly, scars thicken, multiply--because it's so easy to fall in love with hurting the pain. and that push too far drowned it all away in blood. so much blood and he couldn't see, easier to hide all the feelings between metal bars and leave it in his grave. and the fire pushed the rose to bud, to pull apart in thick red flesh, to change and blacken. shrink to ash. and the thorns grew darker on thick vines, all these black thorns wrapped around inside Llama until breathing kept him awake, sliced him apart.
Llama pushed the Demon too far, so far down and tried to turn it all around. tried to drag the Demon out--unready to be quieted. still so much anger in his hollow lungs. he chose the wrong girl to pull down with him, to use for power. he found his fire, his raven with wings aflame and took too much time. he looked to deep into big-brown eyes and found the smoky look hidden there, found the strength and passion. she was the arrow he pierced through his heart, the only flame that could melt him.
and the Demon broke the moon before he fell. he broke it all into the darkness, tried to leave one last mark, one last sign in the night. he shattered his only light, his power, crashed the sky until the fire found him. fed on black wings--so hungry for his Darkness. only ashes left to hit the earth. only ashes for Llama to slip between metal bars and keep quiet in his grave. but she can hear the burnt-out voice of his weakness and night, so he can tel her that she is still his fire.

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Date:2003-10-20 11:27
Subject:everything starts simple
Mood:comfortably feeling
Music:Vendetta Red

just a question with my back to him staring at dark streets through the window--but i can see his face behind me.
you wanna sleep in my room?
cuddled up tigh the warm ribs and inked skind.
anything that happens between us has nothing to do with her.......just so hard to believe that, so much of what he does and says and where he looks is all wrapped up in the image of her. head against my chest and fingers trying to draw me out, to let me release it all. and nothing comes.
what do you want?
skinny boy hips bony between my thighs, and i do love him. but i don't want to be all wrapped up against his pulse--so close i can't breathe without it. but he gave me this choice and i made it because i wanted to.


but it's scary to give him so much control, trying to hold on to the deeper pieces of me......trying to trust him too. because i believe some of the changes in him, believe in his eyes and hands and music fingers. believe in three-pulse squeezes against my palm. but it's scary to be here. scary to think about all of this. afraid of the weakness in me.

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Date:2003-10-13 21:02
Subject:Let the Motherfucker Burn
Music:Fight Club--ok, so it's a movie, but that's what i hear

I don't wanna die without any scars
loving the little prick, and the rush along my spine, skull, ears. Llama's breath on the back of my neck--music fingers pushing sharp-quick pain through my skin, to blossom black and for once it's a Beautiful scar. sending the pain through me in flutter-breath nerve-endings running across my skin. drawing into my skin. and his hand on my thigh on the way home--three times quick with his fingertips against my knuckles. Love you too, i squeeze back. Beloved all pale and wrapped away in black and silver, something in her shrinks up small in the kitchen. juggling sanities palm to palm....don't drop any, don't let them shatter too quick against the floor. ink and smoke and movie-lines around our heads.

'Bread sits on my bed. i love it this way--just us and the smoke in our little world where i won't let you hurt her too much for that. love her skin-hair scent--inhaling aginst her back in the dark. chocolate eyes and smoking breath. and the smoke between us--taking us away to somewhere warmer and better to breathe in. somewhere his hands can't reach skin and Miles is someone gone and come back much less pain and the warmth of harsh somke against our insides.

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Date:2003-09-22 19:02
Subject:A Thousand Lies Have Made me Colder
Music:Brain Stew--Greenday

i'm missing you sometimes........still. still missing heat of you, smile, kiss, hand around my palm. but Llama holds my hand when he drives me home. loving the heat of knuckles on my thigh, waiting for me to fill his palm with mine. and i do, squeeze three times tight, and he's squeezing back, quick like bird wings tightening between my fngers. and he has heat too, and hands made for music, and a hundred hearts on a silver chain wrapped around his neck. trying to open up between us again, waiting for your reply. it's the waiting that takes the most out of me. Llama loves me like he is loved me like there was nothing else. missing you. but i shouldn't, try not to, it's gone right?
so i sqeeze on music fingers and growl Coal Chamber with him and think: if we died right now--drove through tree and crashed apart, there would be no fear, no screams, no sound but us and the stereo. my heart beating extra-quick three times with his fingers--like a bird's wings in my chest and could he have known me then when he was so in love with her hair tangled in his limbs?

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Date:2003-09-16 16:31
Subject:Damn me and my punk clothing

i can't remember the last time someone put their hand on my thigh--only to keep me from falling out of Lita as i pulled the door shut--and you have no idea how close you came to really touching. and why am i writing to you? but i can't remember the last time i almost close to fully realizing palm on thigh. and i'm glad i grasped at your hand when i did--rubbing your thumb across your ring on my finger--because it becomes too late too soon. and i don't want your hand on my arm because it hurts and all the little things rip apart because you love her.......because the world loves her and i love her too. but i am nothing with out her--i am nothing beside her.
they say "go home." and they say "you're not what we want." And they offer to dig your grave--to make it painless as they can. and it all fails because this is the real pain that comes from caring and it lasts too long and the pain you're craving so bad is gone. and something in me broke past the point of curling myself--so small and useless--at the bottom corner of my bed and crying. nothing works right anymore. the only thing that comes is the blood.

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Date:2003-09-16 16:23
Subject:and she lies to keep them near

you're walking away without a goodbye this time. why is now ever different than before? i know, i'm made of glass and you can see right through me to the Beautiful girl. i hate the i'm so invisible beside her. so invisible beside anyone. am i really so invisible? remember baby, glass should know that by know. it shatters and splinters and stabs so hard at itself. i break, Boy. i break easier than i would ever want you to know.
i played the fool today so you would talk to me. is this how it's always gonna be? and it means nothing and it's caring the ways you can, but pieces get smaller the more you throw them at the wall. so walk away without a glance back, because you were always best at playing heartless........remember me? that's all i ask. just please, Please--don't for get that i loved you in the ways i was allowed. that sometimes i feel like i have enough heart for both of us. it beats hard and fast and filling until i'm breathing blood and tearing open to push some of it out of me. no, i won't take my sweatshirt of.........because i don't wanna be that girl.

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Date:2003-09-04 13:29
Subject:Llamas should be happy

and i'm sorry that your heart is breaking for a love you don't really have. i'll always be there in the backseat to wrap my arms around your chest and squeeze three times when i hug you. because i do love you. i love you even though your broken and you've hurt more then you've ever helped. i'm sorry that she doesn't see you like you want her to. but could you love her like she deserves? could you keep from reducing her to ash? because you know she'd burn up quick. she looks tough, but once you touched inside all it would take was the spark of your eye turning away to incinerate her. do you really want the smudges of her ash on your fingertips, the smoke-smell of her in your hair? i can see the ending before the beginning--and it's unclear who makes it out alive. maybe it's your turn to ache for something you can't touch. love you Llama.
choking down pills with fistfuls of water in the bathroom. i'm keeping a high all day this time. oh shit they're fighting again, throwing controllers this time. give it up. let it go. fuck and make up, please?

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Date:2003-09-01 02:51
Subject:come know me as God
Music:The Fragile--Nine Inch Nails

all i ask is that you remember me when you're out ther in that world that can love you better than i can. remember the falling, breaking, hugging, touching, speaking, moving Beauty that we shared. remember that i still love. just remember me and that's all i ask.
remember that you loved me once.
let's spend tonight in the stars.

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