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[12 May 2006|05:55pm] |
'I’m baffled by your yellow penis,’ the doctor told his patient. ‘Does anyone else in your family have this condition?’ The concerned fellow shook his head. ‘Do you handle any chemicals at work?’
‘I don’t work. I’m unemployed.’
'Well, what do you do all day?’
‘Oh, I mostly sit around watching porno movies, eating Cheetos.’
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| Men and Women |
[10 May 2006|12:11pm] |
What kind of men do women prefer? According to this article on the BBC website:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4751501.stm
Women don't see masculine men as anything suitable for a long-term prospect and prefer to settle down with baby-faced men.
I guess it's the equivalent of some men thinking that blondes are only for fun but wouldn't settle down with one. I know I look at them as frivikous playthings and not someone to take seriously on the whole.
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[09 May 2006|04:24pm] |
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they, themselves, failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student - but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
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[09 May 2006|01:34pm] |
You've probably been in a fast food resturant and bought something for say
£3.58. The counter girl takes your fiver and you dig in your pocket for the 8 pence and give it to her.
She stands there, looking at the fiver and 8p, then looks at the screen on her
till which tells her to give you back £1.42
You sense her discomfort and try to tell her to just
give you back £1.50, but she calls the manager for
help. While he tries to explain the transaction to
her, she stands there and looks like she might cry.
Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in
teaching maths since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Maths In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of wood for £100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of wood for £100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What
is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of wood for £100. His
cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of wood for £100. His
cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is
selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the
habitat of animals or the preservation of our
woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
£20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the
question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the
logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers.)
6. Teaching Math In 2006
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El
costo de la producciones es $80.
伐木工賣貨車木頭為.100 。他的生產成本是價格的 或.80 。什麼是他的贏利?
Um logger vende um truckload da madeira para £100. Seu custo de produção é £80. Fêz um lucro?
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| Anyone gonna comment? |
[09 May 2006|11:41am] |
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I feel like I just walked into an empty room or perhaps a bar in the old west. Things certainly feel as quiet as I remember them. I wonder who is still here?
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| I'm still alive! |
[09 May 2006|11:30am] |
Well, it was as much a surprise to me as it probably was to the Blurty server to find that this journal is still active.
I thought it would have been deleted or buried under a mountain of (virtual) dust. Or something.
Now, if I still don't have access to Live Journal, it looks like I could be coming back...
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| Blurty Vs Live Journal |
[26 May 2004|03:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Doors - The End |
] |
Due to the appalling response times of Blurty via my PC and the fact that I can make about 3 LJ entries to every one that Blurty takes to load, I am going to suspend updating this page for a while.
It's been cathartic following the bout of depression that I suffered, but is now more an outlet for other stuff.
I post thoughts as they occur to me, but seeing as Blurty is slow, unresponsive and freqently times out, I find that LJ is far more suited to my needs.
So adios.
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| A cruel blow |
[25 May 2004|06:04am] |
I got into work this morning and had a bit of a shock as I saw a blast from the past sat in our reception area. It was a guy I used to work with a while ago who was up for an interview in our place. He was a right arrogant cock who was transferred through a few sections due to personality issues on his part and the fact that no one got on with him.
He was a real dick and I used to take great pleasure in farting in his direction as I passed his desk as his head and my ass were on the same level and a well-placed SBD always made me feel better.
He was a bit smarmy and always knew how to turn on the bullshit when up for interviews.
So, later on, my manager asks me for my opinion on him. I told her the truth and it only confirmed what she thought about him as well, so he isn't going to get the job.
On the one hand, I am glad he isn't going to work here as he wouldn't have fitted in (which is what the boss thought as well)... but on the other hand I feel a bit bad, like I have cost this guy his job.
Hell, I should just get over it, He was an asshole and I just tooled him over.
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| Plans for tonight |
[22 May 2004|05:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Mansun - wide open space |
] |
I think I am going to go home, lay back and crack open a cold one.
I love necrophilia.
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| Surf's Up! |
[22 May 2004|05:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 ditzy |
] |
The Day After Tomorrow is out soon.
It is bound to be the usual 'SFX over plot' summer event movie, but I am a complete sucker for anything that has a Tsunami in it. I have a thing for tidal waves and will see anything that has one in it.
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| Polite Pseudonyms |
[21 May 2004|11:50am] |
I have learnt 3 interesting Polite Pseudonyms recently
1) Natural Break: a polite term on our call logging system for when you need to go to the toilet.
2) Mens Furnishings: The category on the cashiers' receipt for underwear when i bought some the other day. Does that mean when I feel the need to scratch my 'privates' that I am 're-arranging my furnishings?
3) Capuccino - An expression used in houses of negotiable affection as an extremly nice way of requesting to give a woman a 'facial' It put me of coffee.
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| Lynndie England |
[21 May 2004|11:47am] |
"Lynndie England Says in Statement That Iraqi Prison Abuse Pictures Were "Taken for Fun"
Pfc. Lynndie England, the female US soldier at the center of the scandal over abuse of Iraqi prisoners at the Abu Ghraib jail, apparently told investigators that some of the pictures of detainees masturbating and being piled naked had been taken for fun. England is quoted in the New York Times as saying, "We thought it looked funny so pictures were taken."
gee, the perfect get-out clause for anyone who didn't follow the story too closely.
It wasn't the army's fault, it was Englands! And the UK takes the blame for this(!)
Why couldn't she be called Lynndie France?
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| How Gay are you? |
[21 May 2004|10:16am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
faithless - mass destruction |
] |
Sky One have this new quiz show coming out called 'How Gay are you?'
it sounds like one of these online quizzes where you express certain preferences and they give you an overlal percentage of how gay you are. Personally I think the acid test is being attracted to someone of the same sex and if you answer no, then there's your answer.
According to the trailer, they seem to think you might be gay if you like any of the following: coupe cars, mp3s and kick boxing. MP3s? Surely that's a sign of geekiness not gayness?
but why do these things make you gay? I don't care what people do or who they are attracted to - but I think that makes me open minded. I like old musicals, but that doesn't make me gay. The day I suck someone's cock, then I'll know I'm gay.
What I don't like is this confusion with open-mindedness and gayness. So now anyone who is trying to be liberal is going to get the gay finger pointed at them? What a great way to encourage presecution and paranoia and stifle anyone with liberal tendencies who will fear being branded as gay.
Why do you have to be gay to like certain things? can't we just say cosmopolitan instead?
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| Avril Levigne |
[21 May 2004|04:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Charlatans - up by the lake |
] |
hey kids! She's not Britney, she's one of you! Check out the Hot Topic clothing and the angst filled lyrics! She's no sell-out, no sirree, she's the real deal...
Yeah ok, so I'm sure that the decision to appear in her underwear in her new video was all her idea and not a cynical marketing attempt to sell more records by showing more skin. And she obviously agreed to this.
As the Prophet Hicks said, "you're just another whore at the corporate gang bang."
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| oh dear |
[20 May 2004|02:43pm] |
"More details have begun to emerge about the final Star Wars movie, provisionally titled 'Birth of an Empire'.
The highlight of the film, due for release in May 2005, is a light sabre duel between Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) while surfing on lava.
An insider told the Teen Hollywood website: "Anakin and Obi-Wan fight on platforms of lava, which they ride like surfboards."
The movie also sees Anakin being transformed into Darth Vader and his son Luke being smuggled to safety on the desert planet Tatooine."
See? This is the problem with the new trilogy - pandering to the tastes of this generation. Star wars was always intended for younger audiences, but despite the hairstyles and effects, the original trilogy is timeless and that's why it's aged so well.
Riding rocks in lava like surfboards? Is Obi-Wan going to shout 'awesome, I totally slayed him!' at the end of the duel?
It wasn't necessary to have Han Solo playing with a yo-yo or Princess Leia Hula-hooping in her Death Star cell in the 70's, so why pander to modern youth so much?
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| Is it just me or does this sound like a really bad idea? |
[20 May 2004|12:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Ice T - you played yourself |
] |
So, Dr.Dre discovers Eminem and 50 Cent. Who does Ice-T choose to back? It's The Hass-man!
Ice-T to produce Hasselhoff rap album
Ice-T is to produce David Hasselhoff's first hip-hop album.
The pair are neighbours in Los Angeles and are said to have struck up a close friendship.
Hasselhoff has had some success as a singer, releasing seven albums. He's also said to be very popular in Germany.
Ice-T, who was one of the first real hip-hop stars in the late 1980s, said: "The man is a legend. And we are going to show a whole new side of him."
The rapper is said to be convinced that the 51-year-old for Knight Rider and Baywatch actor can take on the biggest names in rap, reports The Sun.
Ice-T added: "He's gonna come out as Hassle The Hoff - I promise you. The Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humour."
http://www.ananova.com/entertainment/story/sm_961345.html?menu=
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| football schmootball |
[20 May 2004|09:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Revolting Cocks - Get Down |
] |
Apparently there is some big soccer tournament about to start in Europe at the moment. Having no interest in the sport myself, it completely passed me by until I noticed that the shops were full of England merchandise.
I then heard on the news this morning that a chain of pubs are banning the england flag from being displayed in any of their pubs as "they don't want to put off women who don't like football."
1 - some women DO like football!
2 - some men DONT like football
3 - it's all a bit sexist
It's like saying that if you are a man, you have some duty to follow your national sport. I find it dull, repetitive, anal and an excuse for alcohol fuelled violence by people who take the whole thing far too seriously.
Football, footballers and the national obsession with the game are something I want nothing to do with.
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| Read this? Why? |
[15 May 2004|02:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Rev Horton Heat - Big Dwarf Rodeo |
] |
Just entered a blog at random and read their bio. It said:
"I play guitar. I am kinda smart. My friends call me Miss Perfect. I am a cadet. I play in a band. I have two dogs, two rabbits, and about 1,000 fish. That is all I can think of."
I hate to sound like a bitch, but if that really is all you can think of to say about yourself, then why the hell would anyone want to read your diary? Your whole life is summed up in three uninteresting lines. Way to go.
Ok, I DO like to be a bitch...
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| Blindfold |
[15 May 2004|12:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
In a conversation talking of nothing, we were drinking sweet wine comforting our one and only in our single business.
we have become jealous satisfied with our desolation wrapped in our vivid dreams. I remember the two days that mean alot to me. I remember the two days where every hour was a day, every minute was a lifetime, where the ocean was a sea and you dragged me into the mountains on a flimsy guarantee. the stronger the man, the stronger the woman.
if it ended now would you be willing?
I've given you everything
I've given you nothing
I used to think of angels but that's all gone
I used to dream of love and kisses wanting to belong
but I'd tear around the corners blindfolded to the world
I used to think that candyfloss was only made for girls
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| How very English |
[14 May 2004|10:09pm] |
I spent my time off mostly packing boxes of stuff for our imminent house move. However, i did get to do some other fun stuff.
1) Saw Hayfever by Noel Coward at the Theatre Clywd in Wrexham. You can't get much more engligh than Noel Coward.
2) Saw the exhibition of John Squire artwork in Manchester. John Squire was the guitarist / songwriter with seminal band The Stone Roses. Q magazine recently listed their gig in Spike Island, Widnes as the 12th best ever gig of all time. I am always happy to say I was there.
for good information, go here:
http://www.johnsquire.com/
http://www.thestoneroses.co.uk/discography/bootlegs/90spikeisland.asp
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