[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Monday, February 3rd, 2003|
It's not fair
I'd just like to say that it's a little dodgy of the guy sitting three computers away from me to not only be using the school machine but his own laptop as well. Rub it in my face, why don'cha?
I know I'm being unreasonable. it's my perrogative. I don't even know if I spelled that right, and the Grammar Geek is mercifully asleep already.
On another note, Covielle watched Babylon 5! Long live sci-fi geekdom in all of its manifestations!
I need to find the Gaelic word for either "resistance" or "freedom." Anything, really, so long as it's not English. My story is lacking in originality on that point, and I'm starting to get a little cheesed at myself for not thinking of something less mundane in the first place. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20, or some other flip, banal, over-used but seldom fundamentally understood cliche.
My, but my vocabulary is in rare form this evening. I should be writing or something.
Actually, what I should be doing is taking a shower and goign to sleep. I have a meeting with Karen at 1 pm tomorrow, and I'm already toast in terms of brain cells and staying awake for Dello Buono's class.
Arg, I'm so screwed. And it's entirely my fault.
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: "My Sacrifice" - Creed
|Monday, January 27th, 2003|
This is getting ridiculous
As soon as I have myself convinced I don't need any more complications in my life, I go and decide I might want them anyway. What is wrong with me? (Besides hormones, which suck, by the way).
*sigh* He sent me a great email. Short, to the point, made me smile...
Current Mood: weird
Current Music: "Wash" - Lifehouse
He's so damn cute! Why do I have to be so practical all of the time?!
Current Mood: horny
Current Music: "Anything But Ordinary Please" - Avril Lavigne
|Saturday, January 25th, 2003|
And I've finally put up the edited artwork. Glad that's over with.
Shira stll hasn't talked to KC, and he's planning on spending more money on yet another expensive present for her. I should tell her to consider this and talk to him sooner rather than later. Should I get involved like that? I mean, she did ask me what she should do... *sigh* Relationships complicate everything. This is why I'm glad I don't have to worry about one at this point in my life.
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: "How Long" - Lifehouse
|Thursday, January 23rd, 2003|
Yep, I'm just... blah. Full of grilled cheese and waffle fries and milk and mayonnaise. And I want to sleep forever. I have to work all day tomorrow, except for class, and then I have that countertenor concert deal with directions I can't understand into Downtown where I don't want to drive, and I don't even have someone to go with. I should have asked Ali, but she deserves whatever time off she can get without me horning in on it. Could have asked KC, but he's in a funk and not THAT into music, so no. Better go. Shuttle.
Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: "Broken Vow" - Josh (still)
|Wednesday, January 22nd, 2003|
Still digging that the time zone is correct
I also discovered something interesting about myself, just recently. I've never wanted to be an actor playing a character (well, that's not completely true). What I've really wanted is to BE the characters being played. I'd love to have the inner peace and wisdom and tenacity of Delenn. I'd love to have the snappy dialogue and passion of Samantha Carter. I'd love to be savvy and pixie-like and awesome like Natalie from Sports Night. All of those qualities are things I would love to possess, and in identifying with those characters, I came to believe it would be amazing to be able to play them. But that's not what it really was. It was about defining and redefining myself, which is, I suppose, an integral part of character work as an actor, anyway, so bonus. But I've always lived in an imaginary world within the real one, and it is in that world that I meet and become these people. I live through them, I breathe the words they speak, and I internalize their personalities to varying degrees. For awhile. It fades away after a few moments, when the screen goes dark and reality comes back into focus. But they linger in my mind, whispering in my ears, tickling my brain or my funny-bone, and altogether making me a happier person. So it's not a bad thing.
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: "Broken Vow" - Josh Groban (yummy)
|Monday, January 13th, 2003|
Shira's breaking up with KC. Well, trying to figure out how. I feel badly for her. I know what it feels like, acutely. All I can do is pray for her, and for KC because this is going to absolutely crush him. :-(
It tears at my heart.
|Saturday, January 4th, 2003|
I sometimes wonder what the point of creating art or literature really is. Almost no one besides me cares about the final products. Is anyone even going to read these things in fifty years? In five years? One? I go through all of this work, and I have no idea if it will be worthwhile or valuable to anyone. But I suppose it's therapeutic, which makes it valuable to me. For easy reference, I'm giving myself the link to my website. God forbid anyone ever find me through this blasted journal. It's my own private corner of the fiber optic universe, and I'd like to keep it that way. Hmmm.... Scully will probably find me eventually. And that's okay, I suppose. It's just that I haven't had a place to pontificate on the universe since I first got my DJ, and now it's more of an update on my life for others to read, instead of a place for me to relax. *sigh*
Anyway, spent all day scanning artwork. It will definitely add to my website, and I may be able to put some of it up on my DJ. I'll have to ask KC how he managed to do it on his.
Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: "Spin" - Lifehouse
|Friday, January 3rd, 2003|
Oh, sweet, I don't have to correct for time zone!
So this is my newest place to store my private thoughts, since certain parties found my dead journal. *sigh* Privacy is nearly impossible, unless I go back to paper, which is not an option any more. Too slow.
I don't have time to write any more. I had so much creative energy FOR ACADEMY, nonetheless, but I only made notes. I didn't write. I want to finish my book, for pete's sake! Trafford will publish it for ~600 dollars, and then I'll have something worthwile, something to feel accomplished about. Something that makes me feels accomplished and creative and special.
I don't feel accomplished or special any more. I did when I was younger, because I was ahead of my time - creating languages and such. But I've levelled out, and it's disappointing and disheartening.
I'm also disappointed about not getting anywhere with Paul. I would like to move forward in the relationship department. I don't care if it's Paul or another nice guy. I'd like to start moving out of this indeterminate phase I've been in for so long. I know I should cherish this innocent time, and I do. I cherish it to death. I sometimes think that's the problem. What if I'm holding it so close that I can't open up to another person on the kind of level necessary for a relationship? I'm trying! But nothing seems to be working out. Javier went nowhere. Chris is nice, but I'm not attracted to him. Paul is awesome, and I am attracted to him, but he doesn't want a long-distance relationship, and I don't want to push something that could lead to resentment. Of course, nothing will ever happen with anyone if I don't eventually just take that risk. I think one of my problems is that I'm all too aware of the consequences, the inevitabilities, the risks involved with romantic relationships. Sometimes I hate that I'm so damned aware of things.
I finally got over whatever it was that was twisting my insides up. Feels nice to move and not hurt.
I need a shower so badly, it's not even funny. The only thing funny about it is that I'll probably be too tired, and I'll leave it for tomorrow... again. *sigh*
I'm afraid of who I am. I'm afraid of being normal. Won't someone please tell me how to leave this cocoon I've spun for myself? It's translucent; I can see the outside world. Vague outlines, deep dark and dancing lights. Fairies and dreams. But no, reality is far more cruel than this picture I see. And I fear it. It is too powerful for me. If I leave, it will slowly erase me and replace me with someone else. But that's what I want, in some strange way. I want to endure the tearing of the silk, the stripping away of the old cobwebs in my heart and soul and mind. It will hurt. I know it will. And I may not be ready. I'm afraid of who I could be.