Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in Rayhanin Archcanix's Blurty:

Thursday, May 6th, 2004
8:04 pm	Sums up today (if a bit cryptic) "What else did you expect?" "You don't actually think I'm going to let you go out there after him?" "You have no choice." "You'll have no wing support, no means of defeating it's advanced technology, what makes you think you can win?" "I have no choice." "I'll be a son of a bitch if I go to your furnal, Tie." "Yes you will sir, but we will talk about your mother when I get back." -T.C. McQueen talking to Cmd Ross before going to end a a serious threat (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
8:40 am	explanation to 1 In this chapter you learned how I begun. Not exactly a stellar way to start I'll agree but through hard work and learning the harsh lessions of that night I was able to take my first steps into a larger world. Now these are the lessions that I think someone who is starting out should first pay close attention to. 1. Do not even begin to think that magic or magical secrets will suddenly make your life easier. 2. Explore and learn, but be cautious, when you study the mystical, the mystical studies you. 3. Fear is the most important thing to remove from your mind if you want to think clearly. 4. Inside all of us is the ability to be great, when you listeng to yourself is the first step. Your turn: The first few exercises I'm going to have you do are pretty minor but are very important. The form a foundation that you can build on and eventually use to your advantage. 1. Get a bowl with a reflective interior and fill it with water. Now this will take some time but what you need to do is look into the water and try to view just over your sholder. Now you need to focus, try not to move around much, relax, try to keep your mind focused on looking for a guide to help you. Then simply wait. Eventually something will appear it may take a while, and it may only be there for a second but you will remember it. You will know it was there. That is your spirit guide, that part of you that honestly wants to help you learn magic. After youve seen it whenever you want to talk to it (I sugest you do it often as talking to it makes it more real and thus more able to help you.) simply recal what it looked like in your minds eye and direct the words to that image. 2. Go out to the mall (sounds good so far right? hold on) find a nice place to sit (still good?) and watch, watch what? wtach the people walking by, look for commonalities in the peoples movment, mannerisms, the way they walk, the way they kinda blend into each other, take notes if you need to but record all of it. Then later pratice mimicking everything you noticed, with time this will help you blend into a crowd when you want to or stick out like a sore thumb when you want someones attention. For example, lets say your trying to duck someone, by being one with the sea of people the person looking for you will have a hard time noticing you. Conversly lets say you want to unnerve someone by letting them see you, by being slightly out of sync with the crowd the person will have trouble keeping his eyes off you, his mind will know something is wrong but he wont be able to quite place it. 3. Sit down and figure out what scares you the most. Your most primal, darkest fears. When you figure you have, say the top 3 then start writing down what you think are good safe stragities on how to beat them. When you have a few ideas run them by friends/family see if they appear smart/safe with them. Then when you are ready start eliminating your fears. 4. This one is easy, well kinda. First what you need to do is get a pen and some paper and start drawing lines, squiggles, and random stuff on it. Once the paper starts to look well covered in ink start to look at the paper, change the angles, try to find images or patterns, anything that seems to stand out to you. Then write down what you saw. This is one of the many ways your subconcious has to get a message to you. see if the images or patters have some reference to whats going on in your life and then focus on those things for a little whle. You'll find it to be oddly fufilling. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
3:27 am	It starts, with one. Some people keep harping on me to update my blog. The thing is I could never figure out what to write... Then I started rereading the 21 lessions of merlyn and it got me thinking....what if I wrote out my 21 lessions? Not my take on the 21 lessions mind you....it isnt even 21...it's alot more...but hopefully this will give anyone who wanted to learn my style a chance. Now I make no promises on results...my techiques do NOT work for everyone...you need....natural talent. and the desire and passion to proceed. With that said...lets begin. Lession 1: Embracing the quest. I was young, angry, and didn't care. Her name was Sasha, and I thought she would be my escape. She was what I was looking for, dark, full of hate and anger, and saw something in me. A latent power, something sleeping that she thought she could turn to have work for her. At night I would sneek out and meet her. She would kiss me on my cheek look deep into my eyes, as if seeing through me...trying to read my thoughts. She would take to to all kinds of secret places., cemetraies, clubs, and sometimes abandoned buildings. This time however, she had something different in mind. We were picked up by one of her older frends and driven to near cardnal Numan High School. I knew little about the area other then there was a big cemitary near by, it was where my namesake was buried. She boosted me up over the wall and bid me to follow her. We walked onto the grounds passing the headstones, she was counting them as we went, as if she was looking for a specfic place. When she got to a grate becide one of the headstones she told me, "This tunnel leads to under the cemetary, hidden under the ground of the dead is where my kin meet peacefully, you are to meet them, and if they approve of you that will let you perticapate in one of our rites and if you do a good job then...and only then will you be able to stay with me. I did want to be with her, I thought I belonged with her, how foolish I was, how stupid. I walked down into the grate, I was trembling inspite of myself. She knew I was scared and she loved it, Sasha fed off it like it was her favorate treat. As we walked down the tunnels we came to the door that led to there hide away. I walked in and was greeted by the scarist eyes I had ever seen. They were all preditors, they lost their humanity a long time ago. I was told where to go and where to stand for the ritual. The formed a circle around me, and opend the darkness all around calling forth something dark...and evil. The outside world whent blank and I was in what now I know to be my mindscape. It was there too, it was somekind of demon and it was laughing. It knew it owned me and I knew it. As it taunted me and mocked me, as I the toughts and words formed they felt...painful. I fell back I was frantic, looking for something anything that could save me. Then, He came. I felt his nose agenst my back, I turned around and there it was, the dragon. It roared at the demon and said something in it's language, the demon said something to the effect of "I didn't think for a second you were him." with that the dragon used its breath weapon on him, it looked like a glorious black fire. The demon was gone and the dragon looked me in the eyes, it was as if he was looking deep into my soul. The dragon called out to me, "Just stay here, you look tired rest here. I'll take over for a little while and when you are ready I will reassurt your control. I am awake now, keeper early, but well rested none the less." I'm sure youve heard about the people with magical ability that have a violent awakening, a dangerious one that gets people hurt...sometimes they crop up, usually as rumors. Mine wasn't. When I awoke Sasha eyed me like I was something to be feared, something that could kill everyone of her kin in a blink of an eye but chose not too just to toy with them. She looked at me and told me what happened to them. That I brutialised them spoke in some weird language and destroied everything in there. I had to leave, and never even atempt to come back. I left confused and alone, no that was not right There was someone with me and it gave me a sense of peace that I never knew before. I had a power...a spirit that was burning with new passion, new vigor. I was awake for the first time in my life. Comments and the rest next time. See ya! (Comment on this)
Monday, January 26th, 2004
7:16 pm	I need contact The time I like is the rush hour, 'cause I like the rush The pulsing of the people, I like it ever so much Such a mass of motion, I do not know where it goes I move with purpose and I have the touch I'm waiting for ignition, I'm looking for a spark Any chance collision and I light up in the dark There you stand before me, that pale skin and all that hair Oh, do I dare, I have the touch Only, only wanting contact I'm only, only wanting contact I'm only, only wanting contact with you Shake those hands, shake those hands And give me the thing I understand Shake those hands, shake those hands Shake hands, shake hands Any social occasion, it's "hello, how do you do" All those introductions, I never miss my cue So before the question, so before the doubt My, my hand moves out and I have the touch Only, only wanting contact I'm only, only wanting contact I'm only, only wanting contact with you Shake those hands, shake those hands Aaah, give me the thing I understand Shake those hands, shake those hands Shake those hands Pull my beard, stroke my hair, scratch my nose, hug my knees Try drink, food, cigarette, the tension will not ease I tap my fingers, fold my arms, breathe in deep, cross my legs Shrug my shoulders, stretch my back, but nothing seems to please I need contact I need contact Nothing seems to please, I need contact Tac tac tac, tac, I need contact Nothing seems to please, I need contact Tac tac tac, tac, I need contact Aaah, tac tac tac, I need contact Nothing seems to please, I need contact Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, I need contact (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 12th, 2003
1:59 am	My enemy is dead, W00t! http://www.thestar.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestar/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1065823811400&call_pageid=968332188492&col=968793972154 I win! I win! Banzi Banzi! Satan or Santa as others call him has finally lost our long hard battle. for I like Bun-Bun www.sluggy-freelance.com have had a beef with him. You see he never brought me anything I ever wanted. He always managed to screw me out of whatever I wanted. I guess I was just lucky to get what I was looking for from my parents, sure they would sign the card from him....but I knew. See personaly I was always a halloween person...I love the night and the mystical scary or not. Thats why I'm glad that this year I'm going to celebrate it right. My lady love Kristen is going to join me this time, with some of my friends too. I just wish all of my friends where getting along right noe, then I'd be all set. Things are finally starting to come together, I just hope I have a friend left when I get to the top..and I dont wind up like the song I'm listening to right now. For those of you who havnt heard it, right at the end of the song, a low voice says "It's loney at the top" Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Cold From fever (ventrue) -sunshine blind (Comment on this)
Friday, September 26th, 2003
7:26 pm	Civil War is the hardist war to fight, for it pits brother agesnt brother. "When one is faced with a battle between the Yin and Yang within the wisest course of action is to deny it the chance to battle." -Lao Poe "Girl friends come and go, but friends are for life." -some smart western guy "When friends fight the universe cry's" - Rayhanin When I was younger I didn't understand that statement. I believed that one must always confront pure good and pure evil with all the strength in my body. I figured, if I didn't allow the fight then I would never know what would happen, I would never know what my soul wanted. Then a little while ago I finally figured out what the old monk meant. Chris (Kiyomi) is dating Lana, a girl I very much dislike. Now normally this wouldn't matter, I wont tell anyone to date anyone else. Infarct if he can truly say she makes him happy then I wish him the best. What he seems to not understand is that I do not like her, at all. I've tried to be friendly, nice, polite, tactful, even diplomatic but no matter what I try she pisses me off. Now, I just no matter want to be around her anymore and here's why: 1. She has done some really mean things to me in the past, I shouldn't have to put up with people who hurt me. 2. I don't want to be in a position to giver her another opening. 3. My talents allow me to understand a persons true nature, all of my friends are good people. When I look into her soul all I see is darkness, and I here's like total darkness. Whenever I see her, there is this little voice in the back of my mind just a tiny little voice suggesting to me that I should just fix it with a little spell, one simple...little spell. The thing is any spell I cast now has repercussions, if I end their relationship with magic karma dictates that magic will push me away from my love. I cannot risk that, I love Kristen to much to risk screwing it up. If I try a different approach like attacking her directly then risk hurting Kiyomi, a friend who has been like a brother to me. Now, I go to anime night as my reward. It's what I give myself for not giving into temptation, it's my sanctuary the place I go to to relax. I am ry if I sound a little territorial about it but it's my place. It's where I go for me, and I brought you guys because I wanted to bring you into my world. Now I feel like my world is in flames. I don't have much family anymore, so I see my friends like Kiyomi as family, epically Kiyomi to me he is a brother, just not one by blood. He has stood by me when I thought I was all alone. I don't want to fight him, I never want to fight with him. Why do people keep forcing my hand? This is the second time I've had to walk away from something I enjoy because he has brought her. He knew both times that I would be there, and still he brought her, he knew that I am trying to avoid her, and still he brought her. I have been slapped in the face by a friend, by a brother. Tell me, what am I do to? I get no respect anymore, that's the only excuse anymore. I have become a joke to him, is that it? Does he hate me that much? have I mistrusted him so? Kiyomi once asked "why can't we(lana and I) just get along?, why can't she just be part of the group?" The answer is simple, for all times we bug the shift out of each other our group of friends love each other like a family, and we each other love her, we can't because she cannot love us, it's not in her nature. Ok, Kiyomi here's where I see us right now. If you pull this stunt again I have to cut you out of my life, and if that happens you know it will split this circle of friends up, you will start a civil war. If a civil war occurs then no one wins. I like wining, I can deal with losing, but not when the stakes are this high. I here's want to lose you as a friend, as a family member. I've lost two families before, I here's want to have to sac a third one. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
10:44 pm	World Domination, and the other games we play. Hi everyone, me again Would like a hand from all of you. You see I'm playing a game called Kings of Chaos the basic concpet is to raise an army and kill all other players and remain on top of the heap for prizes and other such things. So I'm gonna post the link and hope and you'll goto it and help me rule the world...or at leist a small part of it. :) http://www.kingsofchaos.com/recruit.php?uniqid=3pnpwni9 So, on to the other games. I'm corting a few people from my dads army days to help me raise capital for my company...alot of them have been interested in the endvor. So things have been going well. I'm trying to get my licence back so I can see my girlfriend more, by the gods I love her. I truly hope she loves me too. Whenever I think about it I get worried. Since I fist started seeing girls as more then just friends a lesson, drilled over and over again by my mentor keeps being replayed again and again: "Those who truly study magik give most of their lives to magik, when you do that you need to prepair for the fact that any girl you love will never know the real you, for mages must keep secrets, even from eachother. Love is built on honesty and you cannot be totaly honest with her, ever." And now I am in a possition where I am worried...I'm worried that Kristen, the girl that I love more then life itself may not understand. So I'm thinking of sharing everything with her, of making her my consor (for those not in the know a consor is a non awakened person with some power and a trusted aid), at leist on paper, that way I can tell her everything and the other mages within my order will accept her. Do I have the right to ask of her this? Too many questions....and damn few answers these days. But, I can handle them, I am the one that has too, after all who can but me? (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 13th, 2003
2:05 am	In a world of blind people, the person with only one eye is king. In order to understand some of the things I'm about to talk about you should know about the two people who this really referes to (Removed by request) and (removed by request) This all has too do with 9/11 and how it has effected people. But it also has to do with other things politics, ethics and phlosiphy. Politics, In the world of politics seperated away from everything else both sides of this dispute. (the fundamentalist muslams, and the United states) The muslams see their way of life being trampled on, and they see the United states as the cause of this effect. The US requires the resources in the area that the muslams clam as theirs. Now since it is always easier to obtain something from someone who is like you, the US atemps to "Climatise' the people they deal with. Who is right? That is for history to decide. Ethics, Is it Ethical to kill people so that you give your way of life a chance to contue that way of life. The US needs that oil to contue there way of life. The feel ethicaly that to survive they are allowed to interfear with the people the control the oil and put people incharge of the oil that they can control. The muslams feel in in order to insure survival of their way of life that it is justifible to sacfrice some of their own people to kill alot of their enemies. Phlosiphy, their are currently two schools of thought when it comes to this issue: 1 people should be able to recongise that they are all in this together, and we should lay dow our arms and work together. The pro's? if it where possible it would mean we could pool the talent of all peoples and it would be a golden age of man. Cons? It makes the assumption that mankind does not need to compete, and will not have to compete again., which is fine if you wish to risk being conqured. 2. We must fight to perserve our preceved path to perfection. Pro's: it's been proven in history that we imporve ourselves through compition, without modern warfare we would not have he microwave. Con's it means that some must die so others can live. Now for me personaly I do as I have always done. I look to nature to see the answers: 1. Man is apart of nature, and cannot currently seperate himself from his biology. 2. In nature EVERYTHING competes with everything. Even the dear kills the grass inorder to survive, the grass will eventualy evolve to survive the deer, and the deer will either evolve or die. 3. Man has no current lifeform capable to compete with him. So where does he turn to compete? he must turn to man. He must compete agenst man to make man evolve. During spet 11 we saw heros die on both sides to prove their respective points. Was it a good thing? No. Will it happen again? how can it not? Man is not a enlighted being, It simply is. My generation will build the fiture weither it will be built on the paths of old or try a new one. Some might ask, how am I so calm knowing what I know? I look to my peers, the ones who I referenced. Two friends, two very different views, they have fought over this, things got personal and harsh, both said things that they regeted later. Now they are trying to mend the fences. I'm finding my generation dosn't hold a grudge as much, they can change., we are evolving past our programing. We arnt there yet, we will still fight, and make mistakes but we will learn from them, we will adapt. We will find a way to compete and evolve as a species together. To these two I hope you please will hear my words, hear what I say now: Without risk, without putting our hearts and minds on the line, without being out there...on the edge then you cannot grow. Do not let this dissigeement, and the barbs attached seperate you. Your visions of eachother have changed, you are new, Can the new Ren and the new Wolfdom learn to get along and respect eat other? I hope so, because I know the old Ren and old Wolfdom would have liked that. I would also like to say I am here and will listen to you whenever you need me. OK all rant over. Sorry to drive you nuts. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 22nd, 2003
5:20 am	As night calls The night calls my name and yet I will not obey it's call, not tonight. I need to rant. Anyone who reads this probly knows me a little by now. They know I dont like playing relationship games, I like to cut through the BS and get to whats real, espically whats real right when I say it. So here goes, this is what I see as my problems right now. 1. I have to figure out how to get Kristens parents (lovly people I am sure) to get to know me enough to let me see their daughter more. I really care about Kristen alot, but the problem with our talking alot online is that the parents dont see it and I have seemingly no credability with them. 2. Sometimes I wonder if the tower of friends I have built wasnt a house of cards and if I blow on it a little if I wont knock it all down. I said what was on my mind, figuring (like I was getting used to) that no one would hear/see it. It seems reality is not without a sense of irony this century. 3. I have to move, like get a new place to live move. Which, as I can assure you sucks if you havnt done it before and I dont have a place to go yet that I can assure a decient job at, so if you have the power to hire me and know of reasionable place to live near by e-mail me. ;) 4. this last little while is one of the two times that my mother would cycle and get perticualy abusive, it's not a good time. 5. I'm starting to breathe new life into my theory that I cannot have a GF, happy friends and a carrier at the same time. Whenever I have two and try for the thrid I lose two, it's like soe kind of demented puzzle were you get al but one light out and when you goto put it out 10 come back on. On top of all of that the energy flowing through my veins is changing more and more each day, I feel as though whatever cards destiny wishes to play it will play them soon. When ever I think about a;; this I remember a lession I learned as an initate, my master made me make a sand castle, then made me watch as the tide destroyed it. When I asked him why it had to be destroyed he told me, "because the castle like all things must end. it is human arroange to think that something will last forever, even things like joy or peace, the one universal constant is that it will all eventually turn to ash. Enjoy what you can while you can, human life is so short you must embrase it, enjoy it while you can." Rennoch says I have a zest for life, I sometimes wonder if I have it only because I am afraid to think of the alternative... At this point the sun is just coming up. Perhaps if I shall not answer the call of night if I should embrace the warmth of day. No, I am a goth, I dont do mornings. Current Mood: awake Current Music: Cruxshadows - Until the voices fade
Friday, August 8th, 2003
7:28 pm	I spy with my little scrying eye, someone that should come to me before making such accusations Well, now that I know how the game is played, I know how to win. Once a long time ago I decided that it might be a good idea to watch people I didn't trust You know what? as of that party on tuesday all that paranoia paid off. It's nice to know that some of you think that my girlfriend (the love of my life) is a fake (lana) but you know what? Her ICQ is 112907157 her handle is glitter pill, talk to her if you want. You psycotic little bitch, and if you even try to fill her with any of the poision you seem to like to throw around remember this:...I can bury you so fast it'll make your head spin. Next Winters, or whatever your calling yourself today. You know what? for someone who has NEVER followed though with ANYTHING since I've met you, how dare you presume to check up one me. You want to bitch me out like that because of something you set up in the frist place?! I want to make this 100% clear, you took me on, you directly challanged me, well thats fine...you want to start this then lets begin. As for the rest of you: I want to make this clear I've been nice...and kind...and let alot slide. No longer. No more mister nice guy. And for the record yes I am aware this might hurt a few peoples feelings and may even alienate some people. You know what? none of you...None have tried to think of my feeling since all this started...When Kimmy leave the group people came rushing up to cheer her up...not once has any of you tried to do that for me, remember that.
Monday, August 4th, 2003
12:14 am	Gentle Stress Current mood: Very pissed Ok, heres the deal. If you want to piss me off in the next week then you can kindy move to the back of the line, and I will beat you to death in a minute. This is whats happened in the last few weeks. 1. I've been made head of a company I've been helping for a while. This has led to being bitched out/given advice from everone in the company all of which I dont need, because it's all counter productive. 2. My father is selling my house and I didn't know till a short while ago. 3. I've been putting back together massivly broke people which has ment I havnt been able to sleep because I've been doing it in my normal sleep time. 4. I've been chewed out for expressing my opinion. 5. My girlfriend who I do love dearly, has really hurt me...how you ask? I realy wanted to do one honest to gawds relationship thing, at first she didn't want to go...I asked her to go for me, she said ok and now can't.... You know all of this would be bareable if I had any support from my friends, but as I'm starting to realise I am alone. All of my 'friends' have done nothing but use me for the last few months and I can't take it anymore. So thats it. I will fufill what tasks I said I would perform and then I'm out. I'm going to go it alone for a while, I'm going to drop off the face of the earth till I get a paying job or till I can lower my stress enough so I dont need to kill anyone. specfic notes to people 1. Kim I am sorry for expressing my opinion about an anime. 2. Chris I am not the only resion kim was pissed...the fact that you spent all your time with your girlfriend and not your female friend pissed her off alot. 3. Justen if I'm not sleeping pointing it out will only result in my removing your head. 4. Numien It would be nice just once if you fall of the earth to let me know your about to...snubbing me makes me wonder how much you really care about me as a friend. 5. Kassy I can't do any more....deal. 6. Azash I have been trying to make that spell happen, I've hit a wall....use your fancy connections you keep saying you have to get me over to the other side and with all my abilities and I can do it. 7. Ed please just deal ok? I'm so fried I can't deal with your shit too. Ok, now thats it. If you need me....no, just dont need me ok. I'm not here. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 14th, 2003
8:20 pm	Student Woes Student, Students, Students....everyone wants to learn magic, or magik or even majik. The thing is they are not willing to jump through the hoops that all of us in the old vanguard had to jump through. See all of us who grew up with mentors that looked like they where well over 2000 years old and we had to kiss some major ass before they would even show us a simple trick. This new generation of noobs has no respect, they just want us to give them the magic with a flick of the wrist and be done with it. It isn't that easy...magic is like the science that doesn’t follow the rules of the other sciences...it is the art that helped sculpt the stars in the sky and the lava in the heart of the earth. It cannot be learned overnight it took me ten years of hard everyday kinda work, it's not something you can just try put down when it stops being cool. ...you know what it's not just the noobs that are pissing me off, it's my generation too. One of my good hermetic friends drives me up the wall with the way he won’t change. Long ago I realized that in order to survive things have to evolve...if a species of plant has died off then we must learn to find a substitute. Now in these days e-texts are becoming more and more numerous (who broke the publishing rules I don't know but I'm kinda in his debt so I don’t want to hurt him) I say why not embrace this new trend? Why not use the computers like we used the written page countless thousands of years ago? So long as the passion, the heart, is there isn't that what matters? See I'm not saying stop using the old tools in the ritual work, far from it, I say use the tools that you resonate with. To me magic is the ultimate freedom, to allow us to be trapped by our own ideals we become worse then the conformity that we fight. Our order was once the masters of our domain, but our pride came back to bite us in the ass. If we want to win back what was once ours we must use ALL the weapons at our disposal, if we do not push back the darkness here and now, if we do not draw our line in the sand, and bring wonder back to the people we claim to care about then we cannot win. Ok, I think I worked that out of my system; the rant and sermon are over. Time for the party. I think there is time in this rant to talk just a little about the joy magic has brought me. Back when I was still young and my mentor was trying to make sure I didn't blow up any small land masses I went to my first convocation. Now for those of you that know your order history yes it was THAT one, and yes I was there I did help but I assure you I had a minor role in his return. That is not what this is about though. When I first got there I met the gatekeeper, he's the guy who decides who gets in. He usually asks to see proof that they have some control over magik, my mentor who didn't like him every much (their was some old feud a long time ago, I don’t know the details nor do I care) so he cast a spell to give him a hotfoot, I put it out by using the unseen force to knock him into the river. He wasn't too impressed with my...display of control over the forces of the universe, but allowed us entry. When we got in I had never before seen so much magic in all my life. People wearing nothing by glamour’s and smiles, others being carried by various spirits on caravan chairs. It's was astounding to me, seeing all those different people just being who they are. My mentor took me to see a friend of his from lifetimes ago. He was near the more forested part of the camp in an old style tipi made of leather and wood. He was a nice middle-aged man, who wore his goatee as the symbol of prime, which I thought was very cool. He then told me of his training and how far he had gotten and told me the stories of his people. My mentor asked me to show him my special trick, the gift I have for opening someone's potentional from their first life. I did as I was asked, and pushed ageist his connection to the universe. The force of my effect nearly knocked me out for an hour. When I woke up I saw him sitting looking at me as if he understood what I had done, and how I am able to do it. He said "You have given me a gift I thought was lost to all of mankind, suddenly the stars seem brighter, the fire seems warmer, and I feel whole again. He after talking with my mentor and hearing that I was studying the flute in school and he gave me a flute of my own, a crystal flute from a company he worked for but enchanted with his own brand of spell song. It was made so that those who tell a story with their music they would see the images in the mind of the story teller. I'll be honest, I haven’t managed to make it work perfectly yet...my mind tends to wander while I play. To this day that is when I decided to become a small part of the magikal community, because we can all help each other, even though sometimes we don’t realize it. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 4th, 2003
4:33 am	sorry I apologise for the recent lack of posts recently, but I've met someone. Her name is Kristen and I am starting to believe that she is a gift from the gods for making me wait as long as I had to. She is slowly filling the holes in my heart. She has a power over my soul that I don't understand, but then do not all who love you? Once again I feel like my magik has a purpose, my fight has a reason. I have been awakened from my long torpor by a dark angel who to me seems sent by Lilith herself to call back one who began to wander. I will no longer sit idol I will do what I was born to do, I will fight, and I’ll fight for those who have waited over 2000 years for their salvation from the conformity that threatens to stifle us all. My first goal, become employed, I need money to move myself forward. Thus a new plan needs to be formed. I will attack the job market with a new passion, I will get the job I desire and I will win. I have a promising lead on a job that could win the day, but in case it doesn’t pan out and any of my readers know of a job available then send it to me. A new day dawns and with it a renewed feeling of hope. And as my mentor said shortly before he died "All thing spring from hope, even more hope, that is the lesson this life has taught me." (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 19th, 2002
2:44 am	What people believe I want and what I actually want. In the last few day’s people have clamed to have heard that I have some kind of secret agenda, some kind of evil plan to rule the world or some such nonsense. I've had enough of people believing the lies of cowards that whisper in dark corridors who do not have the courage or the honour to make their accusations in a forum that I can respond to. Well this is my digital layer and here I will respond to these liars, I know that even though I say this some people still won’t believe me. To them I say this, all I can do is say this, and how would ling to people that potentially can read my mind help me in any way? First, for some resin people believe that all I covet is power and wealth. I will admit I do like having money, but not to the point of causing harm to others. The reason I like money is so I can spend it on the people I like. Following that logic why would I harm those people if I plan on spending my money on them? As for power, anyone who has truly gotten to know me knows that I believe that power is a MEANS not an end. Power for powers sake is meaningless. The only power I seek is just enough power to achieve my objectives and then get out of the way so the ones who come after me will be able to do the same thing. I didn't into magik because I had some kind of plan to cause the world harm. I got into magik because I needed to learn how to control the forces within me. I needed to insure that whatever trashed that chamber was not allowed to destroy again. For over 10 years I have done just that. It is also believed that my plan is to make humanity subservient to the forces that my other half works for. This is a farce; my plans have to do with unlocking humanities potential. To have humanity open up it's eyes and awaken to the universe around it. In order to do that my plan is to attempt to do things people do not believe possible, to do things that even other mages believe are impossible. I want to break the chains of the last 2000 years not forge new ones. As for my other half, well you see he is trying to insure the survival of his people, that survival is closely linked to this world and its people. Without them as his equals his people will not survive. I will admit that sometimes my methods are unusual, but I have never put anyone in danger helping someone but myself and I think I am the one that gets to make that call. Some people also believe that I keep my master plan secret; well here is the whole plan. -Since I cannot fully access my latent abilities one of my highest priorities is to get the help of someone that can help me unlock it. So I try to follow up on any rumour or legend that might hold a key to making me whole again. -There is someone very close to me that has a problem that current medical science cannot solve. I know there is a way to solve it through magik thus learning how to solve that is a large priority as well. I swore I would walk barefoot into hell and back if I had to, I keep my word. -Next on the agenda, making sure humanity doesn’t wipe it's self out. -Next try to cause the awakening as described in the shadow codex of the order of Dehani, having the old magic return and live in balance with technology would solve allot of problems, the biggest one being the damage caused by technology having no spiritual balance. -Once all of that is taken care of my plan is to walk away. When all that is said and done I want to live a normal life, raise a few children, maybe learn to grow a garden, maybe teach a few students. I won’t however play the politics anymore, or get involved in the magikal community anymore. I won’t need to it will be the new generation’s responsibility to do that. There that’s all I want. That’s my master plan. Take from it want you want, but this is the last time as I'm going to play this game. If you insist on making the same mistake that the witch burners of old made and do things like pre judge and give in to rumour and suspiration after all this, then I can do no more. I do have but one request give me the name of those that accuse me so I can face them directly for if they will make such comments about me, they might do the same to you one day. Current Mood: annoyed (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 15th, 2002
3:13 am	Personal Gothic Sometimes I sit and wonder whats the point to all of this. Right now I seem to be stuck in somekind of nightmearish holding pattern forced to live the last few days over and over again. Stuck at home, waiting for someone to hire me. Waiting for someone to notice me. G'akar said "All life can be summed up into moments of antsiapation and moments of revalation." I seem forced into antisapation, a state that I cannot stand. I am a man of action, a man who must be doing something, for like a shark in the water for me to stay still is to die. This time must end. I need a job, I need a girl that I can stand to be near, I need more then the fire in my veins, I need to love again. Love is a curious thing, some people have love all their lives. It is something I can say I have not known this life. The elders that I have met, the ones who clame to be amoung the first of us who are mages say that I am luck that I do not know love for I shall be spared the truth those that have long life have learned. That love like all things will eventually turn to ash, and it is only huam arogance that thinks it can live forever. I reject that idea that love is simply a chemical reaction created to insure that the species contunies. Love is something that cannot be uantified. It is something byond cause and effect. My dream of finding love carries on. I must go forword, for this static existance is slowly withering me away. Taking my wyld nature and with it obscuring my path. I now search for reasions for my past and meaning in my future. I must break the chains created by the apathy of socity...to break the chains of the last 2000 years. To save us from pain, save us from fear. Most of all, to let us all dream again. Current Mood: restless (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 9th, 2002
1:59 am	The girl I'm looking for. The events of the last few days have had me thinking about who I want to be with, the kind of lady I wanted to date. Since I never seem to be able to pick a girl I have a hope in the nine hells of making it work with I'm going to write this down now so that I don't forget. 1. I'm only dating awakened people from now on. Someone who has seen past what’s around them, someone who knows what they are seeing is but one layer in existence. 2. I want someone who will challange me and push me to be my best. I want someone who will push me to become better then I am. 3. I don't mind criticism so long as it is not in public. I try to exude an aura of confidence; I don't like to lose face in front of others. 4. She has to have a dark streak in her...well I guess everyone has a dark streak in them but this person has to be accepting of it as part of her life. 5. She has to recognize her own personal beauty. I'm tired of women thinking that they are not beautiful, when they miss the fact that all women are beautiful in their own unique way, 6. Everyone comes to a relationship with baggage, but I refuse to put up with someone that believes a relationship is all about working through their problems. The relationship is for solving our mutual problems together and becoming closer from the sharing. 7. Must have a healthy view of sex. The women I have dated that viewed sex through what the Catholic Church teaches have always driven me right up the bend. As a Wiccan I view sex as a beautiful thing, but things of beauty do not remain beautiful is they are never seen. It is in our nature to make love to those we consider our mates. To not obey our natural desires is to lose what it means to be human. 8. Accepting of my religion. I'm a Wiccan; as such I follow the teachings of my religion as I know them. If you believe that we should be burned at the stake or some such nonsense then go home. I have no wish to be with you. 9. If you want something, tell me. If you don't tell me that to. Man cannot improve without input. This statement works on almost all levels of a relationship. 10. If you lie to me, don't let me find out you've lied to me. This also works on all levels of a relationship. 11. Don't ask me to commit to you. If we are in the future going to commit to each other it will happen without having to bring it up. Some things are best left unsaid; they are more magical that way. 12. It won’t bother me if you see other people, just don't talk about them or let me see it. 13. If you want me, peruse me. I can be flaky it's a fault of mine (yes I am working on it.) So call me, I dislike being the pursuer all the time. 14. Love me, love my obsessions. 15. Finally and I can’t say this enough, once we break up know that it's a permeate thing. I never get back together with someone I broke up with, ever. Well that’s everything you will ever need to be with me. If I haven’t scared you off by now, give me a ring. I promise you a love you will never forget. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 19th, 2002
4:58 am	Cast of Characters This is my list of people that are of great influence on my life. I'm putting this in so you'll know who I'm talking about in my posts. All names that have them will be done by what I call you as this is my book :b. I'll start with my friends. Numien - Numien is my longest and oldest friend. He has been beside me on my days of greatest triumph and deepest sorrow. He is a master of finding just what you need right when you need it. Never once in our long friendship would I ever have just reason to believe he would do anything to cause me harm. I have trusted my life to this budding vampire more times that I can recall. He has been my anchor through good days and bad. I think sometimes I forget just how good a friend he is. So Numien if you do ever read this please know that I would do anything for you that is in my power to do. Azash - Azash or God as we sometimes call him. Our friend ship means a lot to me, even though I think we both have a funny way of showing it. He has been my voice of reason and has managed to calm me down with simple and eloquent words. He is a man of science and reason, living in an unreasonable world, but he does it with a skill and determination unlike anyone I have ever known. He has some difficulty expressing himself sadly so the world may never know this somewhat mad scientist as well as I do, and for that the world should be sad. Ian - Ian is a pushy, arrogant, loudmouth that talks too much and never seems to have anything good to say about anyone or anything, but he is one of the best friends anyone could have. He is always there to hear me babble on or play and game I seem interested in just because I am interested in it. He doesn’t pull any punches and is more then willing to take on the world any time and any place. Of Ian, I can truly say this though tiny be his size massive is his resolve. Chia - Chia is the lone force of good for goodness sake in my group of friends. He has the unique ability to see things not as they are but as they could be. He is much smarter then he gives himself credit for. If he would only learn to harness his own potential then he would truly be a force to be reckoned with. Chia is also the only person I know to make it though high school without picking up any vice; despite societies best attempts give him one. Of all my friends I know for certain things will work out for you, if you let them. Winters- Winters is a man like few others I have met. He has lived a unique life and like me paid the price for it. Unlike me however it has not managed to dissuade him from his dreams. He is an artist and a perfectionist, a truly dangerous combination. I think he also understands people about as well as I do, and more often then not managed to give me a bit on incite that I would have been blind to at any other time. His dream is to be an architect a builder of beautiful buildings. One day my friend I hope to live in a place sculpted by your mind. Paul - Paul is still young, but holds an age in his voice that tells me that his mind is a lot older then he lets on. If every group of friends must have a person that is the hospitable one, one that makes the others feel at ease then that is Paul. Always with a quote on his lips and a song in his heart, he is an example of what man can be if he applies himself. Paul plans on going into media and to him I wish all the best...and that should it happen he get me Natile Portman's autograph. Paul to you I say this, never let the world crush your spirit, and if you should need help know that I am here to help you with your burden. Grallen - Gral is the kind of person I wouldn't mind ruling the world. He is also the kind of person to scheme to do it. He's a professional and a dreamer, when you look into his eyes you can see the wheels on innovation turn. He is in love with a girl named Shauna, and that girl doesn’t know just how good a guy she's snagged. I have just gotten to know Grallen recently but I have learned to listen to his incite on many matters. It is my hope that we have many good years of friendship ahead of us Grallen, as I believe that the two of us together will do great things. Mike - Mike is Grallen's younger brother, and reminds me of myself at his age. He's coming to the end of a long road and beginning a new one. His caring knows no boundary. He will be a truly stand up man if he can learn not to annoy the hell out of people just to test their reaction. Mike you are a truly noble soul, I know you will go far, if only to spite those that said you could not. Ed - Ed is the quintessential mage of the hermetic order. Wise and brave, strong and true. He can discuss any matter in exacting detail, or sit under a willow tree and spend hours enjoying its beauty. The Hermetic order has produced more arch mages then any other group in the history of magic and Ed is well on his way. I think the only thing that would hold him back on that path though is that he cares too much for his friends and family, and that...is a good thing. I think he knows I've been holding back the extent of my abilities, I hope after reading this he can kind of understand why. Nick - Nick is like some kind of demented yo-yo, no matter how hard or far he is launched he eventually comes back to me. His view of magic is primitive and yet has mastered impressive control over what he has. His life has been like a disaster film, things have only gone right long enough so you really feel for him when they go really bad again. He is a comrade in arms and yet fighting the battle for his own resins. To him I wish a stable future, one where he can rest in peace. Here are some of the people how have influenced me by being my enemies, while some may clamed to hate me these are the only people who have managed to do something big enough to make me stand up an notice. Ilene - When you are studying magik they tell you about a group that is dark and twisted, a group that was once mages but became dark and evil, when they sold their souls for power. I used to think it was a myth, a legend to tell young magic users to keep them in line. After meeting Ilene I know those stories to be very real, and very frightening. She seduced me shortly after I broke up with Jenette (see below) she used every tick in the book to make me hers, make me a willing servant of her masters. When I finally saw what was going on she retaliated, she arranged to have it leaked that we where sleeping together to the school, then denied it. She was seeing many others he had boyfriend and a girlfriend I knew of. She made it her business to sabotage other relationships I entered, she even cost me a job. I see no point to ridding the world of her, one day she will do it all herself, evil always does. Status: cold, alone, on path to self destruction. Zoë - If their was a prize for causing men pain she won the prize. She got me to love her, and then shattered my heart for her own fun. If I ever see her again it will be too soon. Status: Alive and far away from me. Lena - Ok here is the deal with her. Yes I did flirt with her when there was sufficient evidence for me to reason she had a boyfriend, but it's in my nature to flirt and never was any of it meant in a serious way. After she broke up with him I kept my distance out of respect for her and her needing space. She chose Chia to date, I had no problem with that I was happy for the two of them. Then she went and broke me up with this girl I started seeing that I thought I might have had a future with. I have taken this as a declaration of war. Someday Chia will learn enough magik to see her true nature as I have and the one thing keeping her safe from my wrath will disappear. Status: treading on thin Ice. Carolyn - Car decided to play with my emotions and my friend Numien's, she made it her mission to cause me pain. She uses beauty magiks and love magiks without any care for the people she harms in her path. She abuses the power she has managed to snatch together. It's a funny thing about small times though one day they tangle with someone that can make all their spells backfire. Status: beaten and under boot. A.J. - AJ is the kind of person that wants to be your friend, just long enough to stick a knife in your back. He tried to reveal to my parents before I was ready that I was a Wiccan. He tried to get my in trouble with the school, and finally he tried to stage a coupe de ta within my friends. All three failed. He taught me watch my back and I haven’t forgiven him for his lesson. Status: presumed dead after mouthing off to the wrong people. Next comes the loves that have changed me. Sera - She was my first love, and I will never forget her, she was the perfect Japanese daughter and a shining example of strength in beauty. The problem was she was a perfect daughter and would not disobey her father. Sera you taught me how to love and for that I will be forever grateful. Jeanette - Jen if somehow we could have made it work we would have been the kind of love that would have lasted the ages, but between your mother not approving of me, and my life being so screwed up at the time it could never be. I hope you can find the happiness I could never give you. I will never forget you. Maggy - Maggy was Nick’s sister, and the biggest mistake I ever made. I do say I ever made because I was the one who screwed up. I got her to love me, to surrender to me. She broke up with me and we did the one thing I should never had done, I took her back and made love to her, she gave me another reason to break up with her and when I did she said she would kill herself, I thought she was lying. It's my fault for not listening to you. I hope wherever you are now you are in peace. Finally comes people I don’t know where to put Maeyanie - Mae is Numiens sister, in another life we had a bond unlike any other, she can possess a mans mind so that he would live and die at her slightest whim. Someday when you return we need to sit down and talk, there is so much I want to tell you, and so much that I hope you will say. Donna- Donna is my mentor’s daughter and has been like a sister to me. In my mind she will always be my sister. I don't get to see her that often now but when I do it's time for celebration, and usually hard work. At her side I think I have taken more punishment then beside anyone else. I would do it all again Donna, just to see you smile again. Kirihana- My mentor, my friend. I'll never forget the lessons you taught me. Though you now walk the lands of the dead, I know if anyone can find a way back it's you. My dragon half - is a part of who I am. His instincts coarse through my blood and only with had ritual work do I hear him speak directly. We are one and yet two, one day I will be able to make our dreams come true my friend. We are of one mind we are of one soul. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 12th, 2002
7:53 pm	Where to begin? I guess I'm starting this to get my feelings down. Who knows, perhaps one day this will be published as my auto biography I doubt it, but I can hope. Hope...I guess thats what my life has been about. I guess here I should give a small recap of what has happened before you tuned in. I've decied to retell things as I learned about them and thus they may not be in the correct order. Well here goes... I was born Michael John Winkler on the blizzardly night of January 30th. 1981. My grandparents where overjoyed as I was the first child of their children. I am told that my mothers parents tried to have a male child and failed several times one being stillborn. My fathers parents were overjoyed as from being from a proud Austrain family having a strong male heir ment alot to them. My birth brought great joy to many, but even when I was a tinny child I could still *feel* that their was some underlying tension sourounding my birth. My early childhood was rather unremarkable, however all of my familes friends recall feeling something unique about me, as if they could tell something was different about me. One day before I truly remember much of school, I was sent to my male babysitter's apartment. I remember really liking his room because of all the toys in it I remember being happy. It was there he molested me...He made me do things that even 16 years later I cannot talk about it without choking up. He was caught and given a laughable sentance. After this experence I learned a few things.... 1. No one could not protect me from anything. 2. If I wanted to ever feel safe I would have to make myself stronger smarter and much wiser. 3. Trust is for people who don't know any better. 4. My mother did not like being reminded of failure on her part. I relised this because she told me "If you push all those feelings deep down they will go away. now dry your eyes and go play." I guess the next major event in my life was the birth of my sister. Around the time she was born I was shipped off to live with my aunt who did her best to make me feel comfortable. The whole time however I felt disconnected and alone. I would later learn that it was because they did not want to be around me. Seeing as they did not approve of my father and could see that his morals were very much like my own. My Sister Ann-Marie Hildaguard Winkler was born a quiet november day in 1985. Again my collective family was overjoyed and celebrated a new member of the family. For those of you who are without a younger sibling it is hard to describe the feeling you get when you first meet your sibling...It's a connection like no other, a link formed in blood a hardcoded genetic link that is impossible to break. Watching he in her crib it was a look I couldn't find even in my own eyes. A look of innocence I lack the words in english to properly describe the emotion a sense of higher purpose, I knew I had to protect her, because no one else I knew could. I guess the next truly BIG thing that happened in my life was when we moved for the first time I could remember. It was an exciting time, but also kinda sad. I knew I would be leaving behind most of my friends, but the thrill of adventure easily overpowered that. What made me so sad was losing the park I played in. It was special somehow to me...as if the park was part of something greater something that I just couldnt understand yet. I would later learn that the park I played in as a child was a node and had been subtly trying to show its true nature to me. The next major event that I remember with any clarity was the death of my fathers father. I went to school as normal and was having a wonderful happy, snowfilled day. I've always loved the snow, but anyway, Thats when one of my families friends told me and my friends to rush back to my house as my mother was looking for me. When I got home I was told that my grandfather was badly hurt and that we had to hurry to where my grandfather lived. When we arrived I was not allowed to see him due to hospital rules. My grandfathers friends babysat my sister and I while my mother and father tended to my grandfather. The friends where Oscar and Elizabith while up there they made me feel at home and gave me a special gift that even today I thank them for, the gift was a love for nature and the natural world. My grandfather held out for a increadable amount of time before he finally died. I think it's important to talk a little bit about my grandfather before moving on. He was everything I wanted to be. He was a hunter, a fisherman, a famer and a metal worker, he knew had to do just about everything/ He was also a man who loved his life and life in general. He lived his life with a honer and distinction that is all but lost in this modern age. I am also firmly convinced that like his grandchild had an inate magic that he had a fairly evolved control over. I never knew his wife/my grandmother but I was told she was like this as well. Even to this day when the night is darkest I can feel his subtle guiding hand guiding me twords my future, whatever that might hold. My first funeral was unusual for me. I got to meet all kinds of people I had only heard stories about before. They all came to morn the loss of Konrad Winkler. With all of this however I was more alerted to the change in my mother. She had become darker...hate and lothing had replaced the smile she usually wore. It was then I started to realize something. The smile was just a mask, THIS was the real her. This is around the time when my mothers abuse begins. Not one day went by where she would not remind me of my inadaquicy and my inability to stop her reign of terror. Their wasn't a day were I didn't want her to leave this house and never return. I wont go into details, frankly you don't want to know them. Take it from me, this begins my time in a very private very personal hell. For grade six I moved to a different school. I did this as a personal choice. I wanted to get away from that school it seemed darkness followed later I would learn that the darkness I felt was christanity. At the new school I would spend almost half my time in gifted classes and the other half with people that I didn't want to get to know. In retrospect I think it was those times in gifted that kept me sane. In those years was my first brush with what I would call darkness. I started to see a girl who was slightly older then I was. Her name was Sasha and she was a vampire. Now I know what your thinking, vampires don't exist, thats it's a psycological condition. Thats a lie put into the world because socity couldn't deal with the concept that man has a natural preditor. Well deal with it, I don't have time to hand hold you, I have a story to finish. Sasha is, was, and will be the person responsable for opening my eyes. Even though what she really wanted was a lover that would be like she was. The night I was to be initated into her little group she took me to a old house. The elders in her group had bought it to serve as a place to bring darkness into the world. A place to make more like them. What happened however was far from what they expected. When the ritual began. It seemed as though the world went black, and I was in a place that seemed like I had been there before. It was the quiet place in my mind before me stood a thing that I can only describe as a demon, I was green and reaked of plagure and the infernal. It was saying to me that it was in control now, and that it was going to do the things that I couldnt do, like kill my mother, kill everyone that ever caused the slightist bit of harm. I couldn't let that happen I wouldn't let that happen. Thats when a door in my mind opened and out came a part of myself that had remained hidden silently watching. It looked like a western dragon, an obsidian dragon. He told the demon that I was his charge, that WE where the only ones to live in this body. The dragon slaughtered the demon effortlessly then said to me that he was going to take over for just a little, just long enough to set things right then if I wanted go back into the quiet place and never bother him again if that was what I wanted. I told him I wanted him to stay with me. I knew he was apart of me, an important part. I awoke in the ritual room, or rather what was left of it. Sasha told me that I started to speak in a language that no one there knew. I then procceded to destroy the room using a strength that none of the vampires could. They tried to their version of magic to restrain me but their magics wouldnt stick to me. I kept shruging them off like they were nothing. Sasha didn't know what to do with me, it was obvious that I could never be what she wanted. She sent me to meet a man. A man that little did I know would shape my existance forever. He name was Kiri-sensei of the house archanix and my mentor. I am honerbound not to reveal exact specfics of my training. As my mentor said "If we do not choose who learns magik we could find ourselves in a place where the wrong people learn it." but anyway I can say some stuff. First he taught me how to be happy, how to find joy, how to find the fun...and he taught me fear. I became like a member of his family and his daughter like another sister to me. When the time came he also hepled me find love. Her name was Sera and I loved her more then anyone before. She became my purpose in life, she was my natural conclusion to my every happy thought. When things started to get seroius between us she introduced me to her father. A man I hope I never have to see again. Why you ask? simple, he decied that because I was white and I wasnt right for his Japanise daughter. We broke up, and a little piece of me died. I didn't speak unless I had to or eat for at leist a week. Thats what happens with me, when I'm in pain I shut down. I fell hard, but I rose again. Two years later on a day that before I knew was a very happy one, my mentor died. Donna (his daughter) was a wreck but I managed to keep it together and keep her going. She now lives with a family that was a friend of her fathers, I still see her sometimes, I just wish I could see her more. After that was when I started to see alot of women, and I mean alot. I dated so many women from this one highschool they school actually started a support group. I just felt there was something missing, and I went to find it. My mother, was officaly classed as crazy shortly after. I truly hoped she would get help, but she didn't. She lived with us for a while longer making sure my life was hell. she would tell me "Your never going to amount to anything, you are a failure but you might as well be a failure with a clean room now goto your room. " This was the begining of the end for her because she made a tatical error, she got caught having an affair. My highschool carrier was less then fun to say the leist, I made good friends that I still talk to and enemies I will never forget. I was the only out Wiccan in a whitewashed christian school. Near the end of my carrier it was a daily ritual to be called down to the princapals office to listen to her belittle my life choices. I was in New York at the time and did something that I guess I had been waiting for, the dragon and I sat and talked. We worked everything out, and in a strange way became one soul, so whenever I talk about the dragon from here on I will refer to the dragon as myself. It was at that time when my father conforunted her. She tried to kill herself. I wish she had succeded but she didn't. When I got home I felt like a million bucks and then I learned what happened. It was then I learned that whenever I am happy something bad happenes to the people around me. I don't think my sister ever recovered, I failed her, I failed. The end result was my mother left this house my mothers family blamed us for everything (and my being a Wiccan didn't help either) I have broken off contact with that side of the family, and have never been happier. After that was when I started at my private collage, to those who havn't gone to one I highly reccomend it. It's the first time I felt like I belonged in a school. I loved it so much I took extra classes, no many I finished in a year. My graduation was something I will never forget. It was everything I could hope for. Now I live at home, searching for a job. I'm a goth, a Wiccan, a man with a dragon's heart. I'm also ready. I'm ready to tell the rest of my tale. 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