I am here after a long while and I just felt like writing down exactly what I am feeling today.
My life has turned into hell for the last year or so, So much that I do not know where I am right now.
My job that I put into so much, 10 hrs every day, all the weekends that I spent in office in hopes of getting a promotion or a pay raise after 2 years, is it too much to ask.
To add to it, after yamini and meghna jain, I had lost all hopes in any future relationship with any female that I come into contact with. But around 4 weeks back something strange happened. I get this anonymous message on my mobile saying "Hi". I do not reply as I never do to any unknown number. But I get this message two more times and then I decide to ask "who is this". The answer comes "This is anya, looking for abhi". I reply back "This is harry, I am sorry but I think you got a wrong no.". The girl replies by saying "Sorry". I reply back "no problem". Next message she starts asking me what I do. Then she asks me if I want to be a friend of her. I reply "Is this a prank" and she denies and asks me "why?". I replied "I do not think females go around making friends on phone with people they hardly know".
Anyways I decide to give it a try and be her friend. Then for next two days we discuss every thing on messages. It was such a cute and simple thing until she asks me "I want to talk with you on phone". I did the same and for the next week we shared so many things on phone, that I trusted her with so many things that I wouln't even tell my friends. I was starting to like this girl and I was so vulnerable because of my past experiences. I was truly and honestly in love with a voice on the other side of that phone. To my surprise, I guess in the 2nd week, I got off from the phone with her after saying "good night". She sends me a usual good night message but only this time she adds "luv u" at the end. My heart started beating faster, I replied with the same gud night and "luv u 2"...She then messages "Can u say that to me on phone". I fumble off my bed and get to the phone and actually say "Luv u" on phone and I am so happy from the inside that we both feel the same way. Now our phone calls increased, I thought about her every moment of the day I am awake and start dreaming again at night. I never dreamt abt anything during night for last 2 yr and suddenly now I can dream. I was so happy from the inside. The 3rd week I was in a daze and dreamt of all the possibilities of this relationship but somewhere towards end, she started to ignore my messages. I would message her and wait for a reply which would never come and then during the night she would send a "gud night take care swt dreams msg" . I would reply with what I felt "gud nite luv u" and she would send a "luv u 2" message. Then one day she replies to me that "she has not been able to reply to my messages cause she is hospitalized and is really sick". I do not know what to do. I do not know I have never seen her. do not know where she lives and I felt so helpless. I would message her that she would get well and I went to gurudwara and prayed for her so many times. I could not stop thinking abt her. Then on this fateful nite of 29th Aug 2009, I ask her on a message "How is she now", and her sister replies from her phone that "she is in ICU and not doing good". I am literally crying on the other side of the phone and typing a message that "she will be fine as I am holding on to her with my love".
Then after another 30 minutes, I check on her if she is doing good, then her sister replies "She is no more"
I try to call but no body answers the phone, I am crying here and trying to get to her, in state of disbelief and shock but I was helpless. I cried for a lot, remembering every little conversation we had on phone for last 4 weeks and all the little things I promised her that I can never fulfill now. I cried while I was driving from office and when I got back home. I sometimes felt like I should kill myself too, to be with her. I was in a state of depression and I started blaming God, cause he can not see anything good in my life coming together. Next day in office, one of my friends who knew abt this, told me to confirm the news before going to such extents, I was so angry at him for even suggesting such a thing but he made me realize how filmy the whole thing is. I tried to call her but nobody would answer, then I decided to ask one of my friends to call her number, and then she answered "Anya here"!!!


Well I wouln't lie, and I was happy that she was not dead but I was devastated, I believed one more time and got stabbed one more time. I cried even more the following days, before I am writing this now. Listening to Linkin park for last week and I still can not forget about her. I truly fell in love this time but I guess its not meant for me.

My boss bluntly refused for any possiblity of any promotion or increment for next 6 months. Yesterday I got a ticket from a cop for not having a number plate in froont of my vehicle. Today I restarted my PC and windows 7 had crashed and my graphic card (8800 GTX) is also going bad. I reinstalled windows and here I am. again later today, I was dribbling football with my friend, I fell on my ass on concrete so hard that it still hurts. My right eye is constantly flickering and I am on the brink of breakdown. I do not know what to do. For past 5 years I have come to this site, whenever I do not know what to do or say, and I blurt every thing out.
Well I have done the same again...I hope I will come here again...

I thought I could never be over her, but how wrong can I be!!!
Initial anxiety and pain of rejection soon gave way to rational thought of "Is she worth it ???" and the answer was sad, "NO" and after that I knew life would never be the same. I took resort to work in office and have been a workaholic and "success and ambition" have taken her place and I am OK now.
My flatmate Gunchi is a nice lad, I have never met anybody so rational, emotional and practical at the same time.

Finally told her abt the way I feel and she broke my heart, may be I was a little bit too offensive at times but that is the way I am, so it seems, its an end of an era, era of my misery...
I feel like almost 200 pound lighter, and am still a bit shaken by the way she reacted, I actually mailed her and she jus didn't reply but deleted me from her friendlist and I feel like a complete idiot, but its better than to have never told her at all...
From the time I checked orkut today and saw her off from my friendlist, I am in a state of shock, I never actually realized that I would loose her forever by writing this mail to her, and it just hit me this morning and I am not feeling that well...

found this nice neighborhood, where we have almost rented this second floor, buying power backup, and from here life should be OK, cause up to now its been one hell of a ride, and I have been rocked to my last molecule, ok enough said abt the house, her birthday is around the corner, and thinking abt wishing her and stuff, so lets hope it all goes well, this third guy that is goin' to live with us is kind of strange, different from all of us, drinks, smokes, fucks, all the stuff that I haven't done upto now, gotta be careful around this guy, cause you never know...

Okay how should I put this, I m fucking pissed off right now, bloody damned land lord comes from US and asks me to vacate my room!!! and all I could say is OK, and here I am, looking for another room, 1 whole weekend ruined and my work is also getting disturbed, this just sucks to highest heaven, but there is an upside to it, I can get a place with 100% power backup and my computer will run for whole 24 Hrs, that will be my dream come true, lets hope we get that place, because being a bachelor ain't helping my cause either as the apartments have almost banned bachelors here, they will let in bachelor girls but no boys haan, thats what has become of our equality rights and stuff...

Finally I am getting settled here and when I say here I mean Gurgaon, Got a room for myself on account of my hating the idea of having a roommate, it was all going pretty fine until one day the electricity board intervened and now it sucks again, and for her, I got her no. but didn't have the courage to call her and moreover the account (mobile talk time) wasn't helping either, man I am always pussy footing around, its time I should be a man and take a stand for myself and tell her how I feel, but then again I might get stung by also familiar friend of mine, rejection.
Works going fine, I have understood my work and my boss doesn't expect too much of me either, cuz I have screwed my work countless times, "Sorry" is always at the tip of my tongue, I remember he praised me one day and I said sorry in reply, I guess its enough for today, will be back later...

Man for a sec you think your life can be stable in a big city, boy got to think again, In last three months changed room thrice, three roommates, man it all seems to be so unreal, people doing everything with money as the key factor, I wish I could have a room for longer than 6 months, and one more thing, its been more than 6 month when I last talked to her and I wonder if I even remember her face or for that matter her voice, Man, what I thought to be so real and strong was a weak illusion that i created as an excuse for my weakness towards initiating any kind of relation with the opposite sex...Now I am pushing real hard to become strong and confident again like I used to be when I first joined thapar, But this sorry ass ending to my illusionary relation has left me with a scar or two and a very constant "I don't give a fuck?" look on my face, which is not really helping my cause here, Man enough for today, I mean once I start writing its tough to pull myself off the keyboard...

Damn man, i just moved to this place gurgaon and its killing me, how a new place gets under your skin, i am sure as hell not up for the test and i don't know how i will ever be able to adjust to this fucking harsh place...
Got this project in company where i guess i will probably be working on I2C module in PCU in nokia BTS
Joined gym again day before yesterday, and every muscle in my body is killing me...
Nokia care center have swallowed my mobile and wouldn't jus give it back... My life is high on entropy right now and I jus wish every thing would go back to normal soon or I will be...

Yeah I am done with the training, (done and over with for good)
Made one or may be two friends but still don't know much abt them...
Got kicked out of the training project cuz didn't perform or lets say was not willing to perform...
Got a new project, looking forward to this one...
and Milan won against Benfica (2-1) at San Siro
Inzaghi scored again and pirlo, what a free kick????
Boy they don't come better than that...

its a nice experience, i mean after one and a half month of heaven, i mean sitting at home and doing nothing, you are suddenly at a place where you spend 9 hours a day on some lousy pc, listening to some guy for straight two hours, slide after slide, they just don't seem to end, they make you fill out a zillion forms, sware to god i didn't put my sign as many times in life as i did today,
yeah i opened up a bank account for myself today, starting a new life thats cool...
my folks left me today morning in gurgaon and i am ready for the challenge i guess...
she must have joined some college for mba by now and i guess she would be happy
and i love that...

i got a job for myself.....
i am looking forward to it, its a software job and you are supposed to write modules for them, yeah i know it stinks but anything for money and thats the way it goes......
and for her she is happy and thats all i want yeah, thats all i want...............

Date:	2006-06-13 23:20
Subject:	this shit is overwhelming
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold

yeah, she got herself hurt ,i don't know, i just wish i would have been there to protect her.......
silly me when i tried to show concern ,yeah i know i am bad at these things,i messed it up again......
yeah n i somehow managed to mail her the cds she had been asking for......well i went through lot of trouble though i went to jwalapur that fucking stink hole to get the cd box stiched ........but anythin' for her thats the least i could have done........

yeah i cracked the fucking oracle 9i, made my database and interfaced it with fucking labVIEW...
now i can store the fucking streaming data from generator n turbine testing sessions into the oracle database table and make specific quiries for each case...and yeah soon i am gonna present it to my fucked up boss n get him off my ass for good....

In the car, I just can't wait
to pick you up on our very first date
is it cool if I hold your hand?
is it wrong if I think it's lame to dance?
do you like my stupid hair?
would you guess I didnt know what to wear?
I'm just scared of what you'll think
you make me nervous so I really can not eat

lets go....don't wait....this nights almost over
honest....lets make....this night last forever
forever and ever.....lets make this last forever
forever and ever....lets make this last forever

when you smile,I melt inside
I'm not worthy for a minute of your time
I really wish it was only me and you
I'm jealous of everybody in the room
please dont look at me with those eyes
please dont hint that your capable of lies
I dread the thought of our very first kiss
a target that im probably gonna miss

lets go....dont wait....this nights almost over
honest....lets make....this night last forever
forever and ever.....lets make this last forever
forever and ever....lets make this last forever

(outro)
forever,and ever
lets make this last forever
forever,and ever
lets make this last forever

i saw one doon girl really eyeballing me and sware to god i was happy
may be if i can get into some kind of sweet relation now, may be i can forget abt real love n shit n stop whining
if this shit works man it would be nice...........

Date:	2006-05-29 23:28
Subject:	so lately
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable
Music:	i miss you blink 182

hey this is some fucked up shit
theres this girl i love so much
she doesn't give a fuck or she is jus like that n i can't change her
so i think i 'll leave it to time , it can make me forget her or just bring us together
what can i say i am so fucked can't sleep at nights jus fuckin thinkin of her all the time
this is what u call love its torture for me ....every sec i breathe its jus mental torture
i pray to god n these tears keep rollin n i jus fuckin loose it
may be i am a bit complex but what the hell i love u i wanna make u smile i wanna take care of u see through u
u'll never get anyone who loves u more than me shits i even bet ur family does'nt love u that much
fuck i lost it again these fucking emotions
excuse me i 'll jus logout

I am:
Mysterious / Boyish / Loving / Subtle / Talkative / Down-To-Earth / Romantic / Wacky / Wild / Fun / Fashionable / Sweet

Daniel and Jasmine are sitting alone in the park one night....

Daniel: I guess we are the left overs in this world

Jasmine: I think so... All of my friends have boyfriends and we are only the 2 people left in this world without a special person in our lives

Daniel: Yup, I don't know what to do

Jasmine: I know! We'll play a game

Daniel: What game?

Jasmine: i'll be your girlfriend for 30 days and you will be my boyfriend

Daniel: That's a great plan. In fact, i don't have anything to do for the following weeks...

DAY 1:

They watched their first movie and they both touched in a romantic film

DAY 4:

They went to the beach and had a picnic...Daniel and Jasmine have their quality time together

DAY 12:

Daniel invited Jasmine to a circus and they rode on a Horror House....Jasmine was scared and she tried to touched Daniel's hand but she touched someone else's hand and they both laughed...

DAY 15:

They saw a fortune teller down the road and they asked for their future advice and the fortune teller said: "My darling, Please don't waste the time of your life... Spend the rest of your time together happily" Then tears flow out from the teller's eyes

DAY 20:

Jasmine invited Daniel to go to the hill and they saw a meteor...Jasmine mumbled something

DAY 28:

They sat on the bus and because of a bumpy road, Jasmine gave her first kiss to Daniel by accident

DAY 29:

11:37pm

Jasmine and Daniel sat in the park where they first decided to play this game...

Daniel: I'm thirsty Jasmine...Do you want any drinks? I'll buy you one.. I'll just go down the road

Jasmine: Apple juice, that's all

Daniel: Wait for me....

20mins later... a stranger approached Jasmine

Stranger: Are you a friend of Daniels?

Jasmine: Why yes? What happened?

Stranger: A reckless drunk driver ran over Daniel and he is critical condition in the hospital

11:57pm

The doctor came out of the emergency room and he handed Jasmine an apple juice and a letter

Doctor: We found this in daniel's pocket

Jasmine reads the letter and it says:

Jasmine, This past few days, i realized you are a really cute girl and i am really falling for you..Your cherished smile your everything when we played this game..... Before this game would end...I would like you to be my girl friend for the rest of my life.... I love you Jasmine....

Jasmine crumples the paper and shouts:

"Daniel ! i don't want you to die... I love you...Remember that night when we saw a meteor, I mumbled something... I mumbled that I wish we would be together forever and never end this game. Please don't leave me Daniel.... I love you! You cannot do this to me!"

Then the clock strikes 12

Daniel's heart stopped pumping

THEN IT WAS THE 30TH DAY........

*************************************************

Always love your loved ones and show them how you feel before it is too late... You will never know when they will be gone from your embrace... If you were given a time to bestow petals of everlasting compassion and love to your loved ones? Today is the day.... Love them while they are still here...

Date:	2005-08-11 11:12
Subject:	so lately
Security:	Public
Mood:	high
Music:	nookie : limp bizkit

for someone special................................
So lately, you're wondering
who will be there to take my place
when i'm gone, you'll need love
to light the shadows on your face
if the rain will wish i'd fall
i'd fall upon a star
and between the sand and stone
could you make it on your own

if i could, then i would
i'll go wherever you will go
way up high or down low
i'll go wherever you will go

and maybe, i'll find out
the way to make it back someday
to watch you, to guide you
through the darkest of your days
if the rain will wish i'd fall
i'd fall upon a star
well i hope there's someone out there
who can bring me back to you

runaway with my heart
runaway with my hope
runaway with my love

i know now, just quite how
my life and love might still go on
in your heart and your mind
i'll stay with you for all of time

if i could, then i would
i'll go wherever you will go
way up high or down low
i'll go wherever you will go

if i could turn back time
i'll go wherever you will go
if i could make you mine
i'll go wherever you will go

Date:	2005-07-25 15:44
Subject:	this is how it sounds in diff. tongues
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Thai
Phom rak khun

Italian
Ti amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Oklahoma
Tennessee
West Virginia
Kentucky

Nice Ass , Get in the truck!

Date:	2005-07-25 15:35
Subject:	RAW stuff
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated

Here is what Matt Hardy said on RAW:
"Adam, you bastard, I am going to make your life miserable. And Lita, you whore, I'm going to make your life miserable too. And the WWE can kiss my ass!"
(Hardy is tackled by security and a referee)
"I'll see you at Ring Of Honor. ROH!"
Matt was then tackled and handcuffed by cops.
For the record, Matt is still scheduled for Ring of Honor this weekend and will wrestle Christopher Daniels.