I feel a hole inside me, a knot in my stomach, and it keeps on growing everyday. I have left all my friends behind. I am afraid, and I can not express it to anyone, I am afraid of showing my weakness. I do not have anyone to talk to, or anyone who shares slightest of my interests. I know what is an urban prison now. I love this computer and I wish it could talk back to me. After an age, it is very tough to make friends. I can make superficial friends, who will never really care for me, no matter how much I give. I look back and can see the moments when I lost my friends, one by one. You see those movies, where there are losers, who do not have friends and are in front of there computers. I am becoming one.
It has been 5 months now, I have been alone. I wish I would find something soon to fill the whole inside of me. It is all so strange, this is the first time, I am feeling this, and to understand and appreciate and accept is a big step for me. One month back I did not even know, what was bothering me. I just felt sad for no reason and it is so wrong.
I ask my mighty god to help me through this second dark period in my life. He has guided me through the first time and I put my trust in him.

Thats what my life wreaks of. 24 and am still at the bottom of the pool. It is like a bad dream and am never going to wake up. It is the hard to imagine at this point, how I am going to set things straight. I am miles of home. With my dad sick and my mother slowly giving up hope, I should return and do the right thing. But how am I going to make money back home.
I have never been asked or made to take a tough decision in my life. Never stopped and thought for a second, what should I do? I always went with the flow. But it seems I can not run from it anymore. In my heart I know, what I need to do. But I am too weak to face the consequence. But I must do something...

give me moooorrrre, more than, what I want, what I want!!!!!

that is the way it goes. new city, new people but you see the same trend, may be it is you who has not changed and so the pattern persists.

Another year without a valentine...

Started jogging again, eating raw eggs, ab crunches, military squats to loose that festive pound or two...
1 month left to be here in Gurgaon, then off to Hyderabad for the move I have been dreaming off...
I wish I could take my parents right away with me, but got to see off the probation period successfully and then...
Lets see how every thing works...

I made it in to "The Qualcomm", and it feels damn nice for the first time in my life, achievement worth an effort, but there is another point of concern today...
Its her birthday today, and I do not want to be selfish and initiate a conversation, and make her feel bad for no less than a week, and also opening the Pandora of emotions I am sitting atop...
But how important is it, to do what your heart tells you to do...Must let her know that I still remember, do not care if she replies, but this is a selfish act of a very selfish person, but...
Well I did send a message, the reply was even more fun than I anticipated, "whoz diz"... :)

You try and you try and you try, but you can not get out!!! What do I want? I do not want pity compromises, I do not want to understand, I do not want to accept, I do not want to explain, I do not want sympathy, I do not want to promise, but hey the question was what do I want? well hard to pin point but easier to eliminate.

Just listening to this song "stayed back in school for her, but couldn't find her"
For a second I thought I was in school, and here I am all grown up, doing a job, I never thought I be in, at the first place. Life is moving very fast and I am just avoiding everything around me, not experiencing anything, and I am just afraid that I might miss out on everything...

Now, I think, I have got the secret to happiness here.

Well where do I start, A person should always have stuff he likes to do, and needs no one else for that...
for e.g. gaming, novels, blah blah...

We should never let anyone have control over our mood, what I mean is never let anyone enter that circle of trust and maintain a certain distance or detachment especially with opposite sex, until and unless, he/she proves that they are worthy, . Seems to work fine for me. There are all so many kind of people in this world, you never know what kind you are dealing with.

Always believe in God, because when you start believing, you know that there is somebody out there, who will make everything right, you can be a bit careless and free, but, then again, not too complacent, as God only helps those who help themselves, lol.

You need a spark, something you look forward to, while working those long weekdays, when I was a kid, TV was that spark for me, I would study hard to get 1 hour of TV, but now that we have all grown up, I am afraid, that we grown over everything and loose that spark, I am also looking for one but its not that easy now...

For some, maybe success in work life might lead to happiness, but that is very rare, most people hate their jobs...

Will keep on updating this one.

So much happened over the past week, I wrote this stupid message to anya confessing how she has really hurt me in the last month or so, and she replies to it with "i still luv u", I talk to her for a day or two and I know she is still "lying" to me, and one thing I really hate is liars. So I know inside, that I am carrying this thing without the heart for it and if I ever fell in love, it will only be with a girl who is caring, truthful and loyal, everything miss anya is not. Anyways, I went home to my family for dushera holidays, and I met so many relatives, reaffirming that we are not so alone in this world after all. I got back yesterday and told anya how I only wanted to get into her pants from day one, and I do not know the meaning of love, and how very sorry I am and hope she forgives and forgets me. Lets hope I do not feel the heat from inside after this action.
God shows the way to every one, but how can I be so stupid as to not read the signs on the road, but anyways I drove 100 Km/hr in the wrong direction and now I am slowly getting back on the highway.

I am feeling so down, So this city and this place finally manages to bring me down with constant fuck ups over a period of 2 years, I have no female in my life and I know its not a big deal for many but suddenly after that phone experience it has become a huge issue for me, Well I am about to be 24 and I have not been in any serious relationship or anything, and I am really starting to hate the fact that I am a looser...The pain is too much to take and its always there, no painkillers for this one, am I really in depression, I do not know...
My mom and dad do not know about it, my sister is happily married and she does not know it either, How long can I keep this happy face, when I am so sad from inside. I just have one friend I share everything with and lately I think he has started to pity me, and that is not what I want, I just want to escape everything and start afresh, there is no sign of light in this tunnel, I do not want to turn around and I do not want to go ahead, somebody put me out of my misery, just fucking run over me...
I have always believed in God but it just gives me a shiver to think that I am all alone and there is no God to look over me. Life is so unfair and unjust and I am done with it, I am loosing my faith and myself, and there is no hope...

I can not seem to get her out of my mind, can not listen to music, all of them are about people who are in love, or falling for some one, well I have surely fallen and I am hurt and there is no one around to pick me up and tell me its going to be alright...
I still can not believe how she pulled it off, God please show me the way...

I just came back from jogging, I can still feel those eggs in my stomach, I just drank three raw eggs in the morning as an experiment, you should have seen my hopping ass on that track, I went for joggin' after like good 2 weeks and I was still at the same level and that was so cool...
No chicks in the ground today, I saw two though but they were so indulged with each other...
I am excercising right now, better get back to that ab crunch 3rd set...

Milan played really well today and had such domination in the game that bologna could not even get more than one shot on goal. Seedorf scored the only goal of the game and it was so wonderful.
Well I was just having this discussion that how seedorf will go to bed as a satisfied man, I would also like to have such a feeling. When I was developing my DSP crash utility, I had such feeling every day while going to sleep. I want to feel it again so I am going to make myself busy with one of my own projects and also work a notch or two harder in the office too, and get that "performer of the week" title more than 2 times.
Well I still miss those phone calls, while going to sleep, god I am such a loser, can not even forget about a girl who made a fool out of me, can not even hate that girl, who told me so many lies...And I still expect that call from her, where she accepts that she is not dead and made a mistake, and when I know very well that she must have moved on and talking to some other guy right now this very moment...
Please god give me the strength to forget her, to fight the feeling that I get to call her when I go to sleep every night, It would have been so easy if I did not remember her phone number by heart, I could have just deleted her from my call register, but how am I supposed to erase a number from my heart...
Well why everything is so tough for me, why couldn't this relationship carry on and be the sweet little thing it had started off as and why couldn't I make her laugh every night, why did I have to cry, there is surely something wrong with me but I guess I will never know...
God these mood swings, getting the better of me, well I will stop here before I go into some other dimension of the blame game that I am so used to playing now...

Well have 3 days on my hand, One day is almost over, saw 3 movies today, and did nothing, just sat on my ass all day long, this is what I call life...
I have had pizza for last 4 days, cheese burst meatzaa, I love it...
God I do not want any female companionship before I marry, and I am going to have fun like I had today, no tension, just me and my PC and we can make it through...
I just want this better paying job and I will be so happy, God please make it happen...
On a side note I did beat PC in chess for like the 6th time now and I am rolling...

No update from Samsung since Saturday and I am waiting and I am waiting for that all so precious rejection. In the mean time I am loosing the skirmish inside and keep thinking abt Anya every now and then which I really should not...Office sucks as usual cause I really almost hate every one in my office cause they think they are better than me, boy what delirious fools they are, If all of them had to talk to me one on one I would fucking drag there asses to the other side of the world but NO, they all have to side against me and make uncalled for and undeserved comments just to laugh at me...I even considered some of them as my friends but well they were using me, I have helped them all at one or the other time but its so fucking amazing how humans can forget abt that all together, I am not saying I remember all the favors all the time but for God sake at least do not hurt me intentionally...Anyways I can not care less for those losers cause at the end of the day, I am a much better person and I mean it, I can lay down on my bed and staring at the ceiling fan and go through every thing I have done for the past month and not feel slightest of regret cause I know I never hurt people intentionally, I always want the best for them and best for myself but I wonder if anyone thinks this much. They are all fooling around and all so careless and free, sometimes I wish I be like them and do not give a fuck! but NO that is not how God intentioned me to be! I will have to painfully live, what is being thrown at me and then painfully think abt, how I dealt with it, later on...God give me peace and happiness...

I went to this interview for Samsung in Noida, I cleared the written test which surprised me at the first place, but then they made me wait for like 3 hours before calling me for first technical interview while people already had their first and second technical and HR interview too...
I go for this interview and I own the interview guy, who is so confused with all the data that I am throwing at him, I told him about all the things I have worked on in past 2 years, I went for this interview knowing that I wouldn't be able to join the damn company cause my mother said so, as it is all the way in bangalore and can not be so far away from my parents... Anyways coming back to the point, I just came out of the room where I had my interview and to the place where I was waiting for past three hours, this guy comes up and says "that all the people who have had their technical interview can leave now, we will communicate to you later...". Well some said that is negative but I just had my interview and no way the interview guy could have conveyed about my status to this guy and I had a good interview anyways...Well looking forward for that communication from samsung abt how they have rejected my sorry ass...
I love rejection now...Just see it coming every time...Can smell it from a mile away...Well this is not going to stop me, I am meant for great things and maybe something better than samsung awaits me...

Well I can not figure out how she can go to sleep at night after what she did to me? May be she is talking to some other poor guy right now and debasing me. Well I have lost all confidence if I can ever have a normal relation with another female...Day in day out, living with this inability and doubt over my own self, I can not take any longer...God I want to meet my soul mate and fast...I do not know how I can go around chatting with random girls on Yahoo chat rooms and feel better about myself...I am not a looser damnit, this is Harry we are talking abt...God help me get better...

Its amazing how something that was so real and so painful 2 weeks back is now just a blur...
I prayed to God for peace of mind, I guess he did not brainwash me overnight...
Lookin' back, I went trough lot of stages to where I am right now, Denial, Anger, Crying, Rationalizing and now its just a painful memory that I have hidden somewhere in my mind, the shame closet. There is just this one thing that will bother me forever, what could have been if we would have really gotten somewhere? The possibilities...
Now I have started playing chess and quake 3 on my PC, considering thats the only two games it can run at the moment...
I have to say this, Gunchi really helped me through this shit, if not for him, it would have taken me months to get over...
Well now I have no feeling whatsoever,neither hate nor love, for Anya and I hope its the same way with her. I have learned something from this experience, never to trust any other human being other than my blood relations cause only they can feel for me...
Its been raining for last 16 hrs, I swam back home yesterday and did not have the strength to swim back to office today morning, so I am on leave, preparing for all so important interview with samsung on Saturday...