| Last goodbye |
|
|
| 02:52pm 07/07/2005 |
| |
mood:  sad music: Tv
|
If you haven't figured it out, I have officially switched over to Livejournal...so, if you were looking for a post here...click the link below and you'll see the most recent.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/xstastypill/
And for my beloved Blurty...
You've been with me since 8th grade...3 years, and have guided and listened to me well...farewell friend. I will never forget you....AND...I will always have the 100s of posts that you've saved for me. So now, I bid you adieu! |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| I've always wanted to live in California! |
|
|
| 01:24pm 03/07/2005 |
| |
mood:  geeky music: Telvision
|
American Cities That Best Fit You:
|
70% San Diego |
65% Honolulu |
55% Austin |
55% Seattle |
50% Atlanta |
| Your Sexy Brazilian Name Is | 
Felipe Santoro |
Your Birthdate: December 16 |
Your birth on the 16th day of the month gives a sense of loneliness and generally the desire to work alone.
You are relatively inflexible, and insist on your being independent.
You need a good deal of time to rest and to meditate.
You are introspective and a little stubborn.
Because of this, it may not be easy for you to maintain permanent relationships, but you probably will as you are very much into home and family.
This birth day inclines to interests in the technical, the scientific, and to the religious or the unknown realm of spiritual explorations.
The date gives you a tendency to seek unusual approaches and makes your style seem a little different and unique to those around you.
Your intuition is aided by the day of your birth, but most of your actions are bedded in logic, responsibility, and the rational approach.
You may be emotional, but have a hard time expressing these emotions.
Because of this, there may be some difficulty in giving or receiving affection. |
That is like amazing! That's exactly ME. Wow, interesting |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Nada |
|
|
| 07:50pm 02/07/2005 |
| |
Im being a bitter bitch doing nothing and being bored. But I should'nt have a an excuse to be bored...there is always something to do right? Well...there are things to do, but I don't want to do them! Man...I was asked to go to the mall today and I had to say no because I didn't wash some dumb as dishes. I guess NEXT time I will break em! hmmm...Trying to tame me.. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Really, WTF? |
|
|
| 06:51pm 02/07/2005 |
| |
mood:  scared music: Good as I was to you - by like 5 county Chicks. lol
|
Well, I was cleaning up the house, and I was vacuming and such. Well, with the vacum I came across this spot on my floor in front of the door to backyard in my room, (yes...I have a backyard door in my room which flooded my carpet during the hurricane, now theres a moldy memory) and there was still like crusty mold that I never bothered to clean. So, I just keep vacuming over it, and like magic dust when i vacumed over it it just dissapeared..so I was like, cool..its all going away. Not quite....I looked down into the clear part of the vacum cleaner and the whole thing just turned white. lol. Now I am scared to open it because there is probably a moldy army in there waiting to be unleashed. How scary!!!! Grr...lol. Well, there's my highlight of the day. I have a new world existing in my vacum cleaner...Mold colonies. lol. Who knows what color it'll be tomorrow...especially with all the other bacteria and dust and all the moisture and humidity...it makes me cringe. Especially since I did like a 40 page report on mold in my AP Biology class. I know the possibilities are endless...I could be making the cure for cancer, or a deadly dose of death, all in my vacum cleaner.
Watch out... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Nothing But Love Makes Sense, part 2 |
|
|
| 04:10pm 02/07/2005 |
| |
mood: uncomfortable music: My mother silentely torturing me...
|
Wow. I realize that I have been a little bit unfair lately haven't I? All these stupid posts that I have been putting in my journal that have to do with nothing basically. I am totally avoiding posting about the way that I truly feel, lol. C'mon, you guys must not know me well. You should've thought that there was a problem when my posts started taking less than 30 minutes to read. lol. Well, I guess I just need to jump back into reality again, and face the facts. Yeah, I can't get him out of my mind. Nope, I am telepathically "stalking" him. lol. But w/e, I guess he'll never know. The beautiful poem that I wrote, the immense care that I possess for him. All wasted in my opinion. Thats the way the cookie crumbles eh? Well...not only that. Life has been pretty freaking hectic. I feel like Matilda. Right now I am so freaking infuriated with my mom I don't even know what to DO! So, I walk around the house glaring at her, and thinking TERRIBLE thoughts...it's really not good (or sane). But, hey...that's a day in Matilda's shoes. Sometimes I wish i could just...I dunno..use magic and freaking blow something up.
(After reading that above sentence, you have probably concluded that Brandon Luis Samuels has evolved into a crazy lunatic bastard that thinks he's a 10 yr old little girl with magical telepathic powers. Find help, NOW!)
Ok...coming OUT of the parentheses for a second to continue my...well, I can't quite say that this is a rant...and it's certainly not a story, more like uhh..an update. There ya go. I'm updating ya'll! lol. Also, I am going to feel completely un-loved if no1 replys to this post like everyone ALWAYS seems to not do. Gosh...I like comments too. Yeah, and I must admit that I am avoiding posting the way that I usually post because I feel watched...like, people prolly read this, but I dont know that people read it because no one leaves comments...and therefore the people that say that they read it just blocks me from posting regularly because I know that they'll prolly read this and not comment, and GGRRRR! It's confusing. Well...I'm just gonna continue the update because even if I feel like I am posting to a BRICK WALL...it's my beautiful brick wall that listens to me. *hmpf!* ; ) .
Well, all this week I have been doing homework, reading and writing assignments, and other things that my spanish teacher gave me to better prepare me for AP Spanish next year. Fun huh? sure....
Right now though, I am on punishment because I didn't wash some stupid dishes. Now, I think that my mother has some underlying reason, but THATS JUST FUCKING STUPID! Bad kids get punished for cussing their mother's out, getting kicked out of school, using drugs, getting their girlfriends pregnant and all that crap. Good kids like ME! get punished for not washing the freaking nasty ass dishes! Gahhh! What kinda crap is that!? Anyways...she's being REALLY stupid right now and she doesn't think that she has to tell me why she has been ignoring me, and treating me differently, or tell me why she is almost "purposely" altering the great relationship that we used to have with each other. So, not only to reinforce my comment of, "Boys. ARE. Trouble."...but freaking MOTHERS are trouble too. GEEsh! How annoying. Who knows...
I haven't been talking to her AT ALL recently, so my total amount of words to her everyday has been like 3..and the occasional grunt. But, I might want to say something so I can find out if I can celebrate my favorite holiday with a BANG! She CAN'T keep me away from Independence Day.
"Let freedom ring, Let the white dove sing, Let the whole world know that today is a day of a reckoning, Let the weak be strong, Let the right be wrong, Roll the stone away, Let the guilty pay...
It's Independence Day."
AWWWWW man...it gives me *tingles*. lol. Well. I feel inhibited right now, so I judge that if I continue posting, I'll only keep rambling...and mainly this post has consisted of lots of rambling. So, it might be time for me to go, and when I feel more centered and level-headed. I'll come back and give you all the post that you deserve. Now, I need more time to me.
Thanks to you who actually read this. I won't be hurt if you dont comment. But, I still like to know who actually reads this. Go ahead, give it a shot! lol. Ttyl. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| oh yea! |
|
|
| 05:19pm 01/07/2005 |
| |
mood:  okay music: Thank Goodness - Wicked
|
Advanced
You scored 100% Beginner, 92% Intermediate, 86% Advanced, and 73% Expert! |
You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of each of these three levels' questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score.
Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!
For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/. |
|
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
You scored higher than 59% on Beginner |
|
You scored higher than 22% on Intermediate |
|
You scored higher than 16% on Advanced |
|
You scored higher than 56% on Expert |
|
Perfect Balance
You scored 37 Emotions, 51 Logic, and 52 Sensuality! |
You have complete control over your emotions and physical desires while keeping your head straight. You are capable of making the best decision in almost every circumstance; however, this doesn't mean you always do.
With such a lack of inclination towards your heart, mind, or body, you may sometimes find it difficult making decisions. You always want to please every aspect of yourself, which is sometimes impossible. Accept outside advice from someone you respect when faced with a tough decision.
Don't be afraid to cry during a movie, or laugh at a dirty joke. Don't stay at a job that pays well if you are always exhausted and are miserable. And when your favorite ice cream is calling to you from behind the foggy glass in the frozen food section, it won't hurt to buy it, just this one time.
Always remember, your heart, mind, and body make up who you are. Each aspect needs a little bit of extra attention at times, or it will end up being neglected, resulting in stress or poor judgment. |
|
My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
You scored higher than 0% on Emotions |
|
You scored higher than 60% on Logic |
|
You scored higher than 80% on Sensuality |
| |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Pics from the show! |
|
|
| 12:37am 30/06/2005 |
| |
mood:  crazy music: I could not ask for more - Sara Evans
|
Hey guys, go here to see pics from the show!
www.kelliewarrenphotography.com |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Oh freaking...k? |
|
|
| 11:20pm 29/06/2005 |
| |
Late one night Kent Adams was on his computer.
ilikemen: hey, what's up?
sodoI69: uh wtf is this
ilikemen: i watch u, i no everything about u
sodoI69: fuck, who told you how often i masturbate?
ilikemen: no
sodoI69: so who r u
ilikemen: i m batboy
sodiI69: wtf is batboy
ilikemen: i escaped from my cage after finding saddam
sodoI69: my daddy sez saddam is bad
ilikemen: i'm going to be in ur room tonite
sodoI69: no ur not allowed
ilikemen: cya l8r
sodoI69: who is this?
Automatic message from ilikemen: I eat babies.
sodoI69: SHIT!
Later that night, he locked all ofthe doors and windows
and decided to play it safe and sleep with his parents.
He went to go check on his baby brother later and there
was blood everywhere, all he could find was his brother's
decapitated head still crying and his left asscrack.
Kent ran back to his parents room and they were having
sex. "Gross" kent thought. So he joined in. Soon after,
however, he realized that this was not his dad fucking
him and his mom. It was batboy. Kent looked up and saw his
dad's chainsaw-ridden flesh-peeled blood-dripping corpse
hanging from the fan, which was on. Batboy began to laugh.
"You're, you're one evil evil boy!" Batboy laughed and pulled
a huge ass-chainsaw out of his ass. He tied him and his mom
together and chopped across into 20 bite-sized chunks.
"Not big enough!" So he cut them diagonally into 20 more
chunks. "Fun sized" batboy thought. He collected the
40 pieces and put them in a bag. He stuck them in the closet
and labeled the bag "DILDOS."
20 years later...
Kent's little brother (who was actually just a decapitated
baby head on a stick with a left asscrack for an arm) was
sitting on computer late one night.
ilikemen: heya
ladiesman1021: whos this?
ilikemen: this is batboy wanna have sex
ladiesman1021: sure it might be kinda hard
ilikemen: yes, but no worries, look in the closet
ladiesman1021: why?
ilikemen: the dildo bag, i'll be right over.
So kent's brother looked in the bag and found 40 pieces
of his mom, kent, and his dad. He sobbed and began to
glue them together. Batboy appeared from behind with
his ass-chainsaw, now stained red.
"you're a terrible man!" kent's brother yelled.
But he was no man. He was batboy, half bat, half boy,
the rest awesome. Batboy pulled out his chainsaw balls
and began to anally rape batboy's brother (how, you might
ask, well that's a whole 'nother story for a whole 'nother
day.) So kent's brother imploded and caused a chain reaction
which destroyed the entire world. This was known as the
ice age. Batboy lives on now.
If you don't post this to your bulletin in the next 5
seconds batboy will come to your house tonight and
fuck your mom then anally rape you with his chainsaw
balls. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Smack me up a little |
|
|
| 05:32pm 29/06/2005 |
| |
HAHHAH...how joyous. I am sitting her listening to Martina McBride's "My baby loves me just the way that I am." LOL, and while singing this song it just gives the sense of imagining a lil tough country type housewife who sits at home in the daytime, and then when her rough and tough "construction worker" type husband comes home, they're just so tough and brutal to each other that they just jump on each other and beat the shit out of one another because they're so happy to see each other after a long day. lol...thats love baby. lol. Who knows. Thats the life, eh? Just..smack me up a little, c'mon and show me some loving. lol
Well, that was my scpheel (sp?) for the moment. Well, gosh, I haven't been interested in posting recently because I have been doing my shows. Last week, the 23rd was opening night until the 26...and the shows were great, for those that came and saw it, I think that you know what I mean fabulous eh? lol.. Well, I have some pics from it too...LOTS of pics from it.
There are many things that I cherish from this great experience, and I think about it all the time. I miss most of you all very much! Thanks for coming into my life this summer! I have to say that I have been changed in many ways this summer, and I can't wait to get back on the stage...I belong there. Luckily, I have a whole year to reminisce about TYC until next year. I can't wait.
Here are some pictures though.
 |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| The Taming of the Shrew, come and see it! |
|
|
| 06:51pm 22/06/2005 |
| |
mood: excited music: Everybody loves Raymond
|
Orlando-UCF-Shakespeare Festival's
'The Young Company'
PRESENTS:
The Taming of the Shrew
by William Shakespeare
(Set in Chicago in the 1920's)
When:
June 23, 24, 25
Show starts: 7:00 pm
PRE - SHOW starts: 6:30 pm
Reserved tickets released at: 6:15 pm
and
June 26
Show starts: 2:00 pm
PRE-SHOW starts: 1:30 pm
Reserved tickets released at: 1:15 pm
Prices:
Pre-sale tickets: $8.00
Show days: $10.00
Reservations:
Call the box office at (407)447-1700 Ext. 1
Monday - Friday From 10:00 am - 4:30 pm
Address:
Lowndes Shakespeare Center
812 E. Rollins St., Suite 100
Orlando, FL 32803
Website:
www.shakespearefest.org |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Old Norma C had a kid and Sasha was her name-o... S-A-S-H-A! |
|
|
| 09:30pm 20/06/2005 |
| |
mood:  bored music: Zion y Lennox- Pegate
|
Hello Brandon!
This is Sasha reporting. I've "hacked" your blurty for no apparent reason, just bored I guess. I spent my Upward Bound- free day at home.. Being a bum. I very much enjoyed it though. Only I know I have to get up early and get myself on that stinkin' bus and spend hours there tomorrow. SIGH. How's the theatre business going? I can't wait to see you in your "slacks"! I'll have to drag Kimberly with me (who am I kidding? She's my ride.. She'll be dragging me) to see you perform.... Well, I've now grown bored of this, too. Maybe this explains why I deleted my Xanga.
Hey, look! Who's that black boy?! Why.. It's Brandon. Brandon Samuels!
(Don't take it down! Let the afro liiiiive!)
Thank you very much-o for lending me your blurty (haaa),
Sasha <3
P.S: I thought I should let you know... Johnny Depp is MY sugar daddy. Heh.
| Your Daddy Is Johnny Depp |
What You Call Him: Dada
Why You Love Him: He's your sugar daddy |
Who's Your Daddy? |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Emo Case 5 minutes ago, now...positively crushed. |
|
|
| 09:56pm 19/06/2005 |
| |
mood: sad music: Alan Jackson
|
Your Penis Name is: Curious George
|
You have a lot going for you, but most people will
only remember you for one thing, and a lot of
them will try to copy it. They'll all suck at
it, though. Besides, you've got better stuff.
What band from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
That didn't make me feel too special, who are they anyways?
Now thats special!
Is He Interested?
He's not the one for you |
 Unfortunately it doesn't appear that he is interested in you. However, don't despair there are plenty more boys out there just waiting for the chance to date you. Perhaps you have been missing love signs from someone else. Keep those eyes open girl! Your boyfriend is out there somewhere! |
Is he interested? Find out at DatingTips.ws
Shit! Why despair, if he is not meant..then fuck it |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Being Strong |
|
|
| 09:34pm 19/06/2005 |
| |
mood:  crushed music: Bullshit!
|
fuck! fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! lol. Futz! I fuckin am trying to be strong about all this emotional shit and grr, it is driving me crazy and I am letting it drive me crazy and I just want to burst with some type of verbally expressive emotional release. Boys, starting to want to date is sooo confusing and omg! lol. I am just trying to trust my gut and, be peaceful, and somehow I am letting all this stress eat me up when I allow it to. Oh man! I guess this will just make me a stronger person. Who the hell knows who the fuck I am meant to go out with! If divine order is in my favor...work your magic now!! lol, no offense to mother nature o' course. I just want to find some love soon. Who knows...when will it come, i have no F'ing clue, but whatever. I just need to start doing something so I can release all this stress, and tension in my foreheard. Grr. Well, we'll see what happens. Although, it is kinda relieving to have a different kind of stress haunting me, its a "lovely" stress...literally, because it is "love stress." lol, does that even make sense! lol, gosh! Only I do silly things like that...
Hmm....you guys say that you dont like long posts and alll, and all my posts recently have been to the point (mainly) and succint as possible I supose, I guess now I should start using paragraphs.
Well, I am done posting now, I need to go and..do yoga or something. Ttyl! *muah* to u all! |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Welcome |
|
|
| 04:57pm 18/06/2005 |
| |
mood: okay music: Defying gravity - Wicked
|
Glad about that result!
Well, and the butt..i guess that seals the deal! lol
 | You scored as Natural Causes. Your death will be by natural causes, though not by any diseaese, because that is another option on this test. You will probably just silently pass away in the night from old age, and people you love won't realize until the next morning, when you are all purple and cold and icky.
Natural Causes | | 73% | Eaten | | 67% | Bomb | | 67% | Gunshot | | 60% | Posion | | 60% | Suffocated | | 47% | Accident | | 47% | Suicide | | 33% | Disappear | | 33% | Stabbed | | 33% | Cut Throat | | 13% | Drowning | | 13% | Disease | | 7% |
How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com |
Yay! I like this one!
Well, thats what they tell me...
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
| OOOOHHH! Passsion!!!... |
|
|
| 06:25pm 17/06/2005 |
| |
mood:  hot music: *singing* Independence day - Martina McBride
|
Oh...oh...OH!!!! love once again has commanded my heart! Oh babay! hehe. Can I not keep a crush without moving along to the next!? Oh my! While still falling into DEEEEEEP passion with thine others! Oh, kiss me! Love me!! Hold me!! haha...and I think you know what comes next...hehe. Oh how this passion burns so hot within my heart, to make me dance! Sing with doves! Yet, face judgement, reality...analyzing the truth of which I not know! Why do I talk like this! NO!!! Dont question!! ohhhh....awwwwww....*sigh* lol. Well, if there's compatibility, and true LOVE in this world....let it come to me like it has today! OH!....Yes!!! lol. I just had to type up all this while I was still in a passionate frenzy..and typing expresses what I feel. lol, ahhhhhh. lol. hehehe....so *giddy* Does he like me? Does he like me not!? Who has the answer!!? Well, the truth remains...when shall I find truue love!
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Fantasies of a Crush Sawn Brawn |
|
|
| 03:18am 12/06/2005 |
| |
mood:  contemplative music: "Awww, how doth my love fare?"
|
Have you ever looked inside of someone's eyes and seen the autumn sky
Transfixed on such a gaze so mighty,
Your breaths so light and beats so tiny
Overcome with rapture with such a couth unbridled
Soft kisses tell all, yet reality remains tall
And only in the essence of a thought ever present can you reach inside
To find someplace to hide
How truth's overwhelming, yet mouths continue telling
And that moment becomes all that you have to be heard
But you dont
So you break
And you fall out of your dream meant with passion
Guess its just another goodbye
and one last glare,
steal a stare
and you know that the person you were hoping to know you, knows how you just felt and you long to be heard but you break and you fall and thats all you can offer
yet you hope that inside some miracle, strange happening could occur
so you doubt
and thats shattered
like your glare
its that familiar pattern,
that you seem to have locked into
and while you close your eyes winked shut of fear
that broken stare conceals your tear
and in all of this universe not a person can see, know or feel
the terror of love he hath caused you to ache
And it was all in a sigh right after you said "Hi" and gazed transifxed into the autumn sky
I love you, yet you don't know who I am.... |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Where I am at. |
|
|
| 10:46pm 10/06/2005 |
| |
mood:  peaceful
|
Today in TYC, we did an emotionally draining and challenging exercise called Actor's Audience Experience. There is an audience, 4 chairs in front of the audience facing away from the actor's backs, and of course...2 actors, on stage, facing the audience...completely making themselves immensely vulnerable, opening their hearts to you...revealing secrets they've never revealed before. But, before one can get there, there is a series of exercises one must do with a partner while looking into each other's eyes, and identifying...with nothing but the back of their hand...where they hold a certain emotion;sorrow, joy, anger, etc. Then, the last of that series ends with revealing your heart to the other person, opening yourself and shedding all your "armor." Letting everything come off of you to feel safe enough to let the other person to be able to look into your heart and KNOW what you're feeling, to SHARE what you are feeling...whether its frustration, anger, or most predominantly...sadness. Revealing why your heart weeps to the other person, while they might weep with you, or for you...but letting you know that they are there for you, and you knowing that you are there for each other. Afterwords...I was in a very unbalanced and uneven emotional state that settled me into an unstable, very confused state. Mainly, I didn't let go...I held onto my emotion and as it pulled away and I hung on..and resisted...until we dropped eye contact and I felt safer to let go without having to feel judged while I was breaking down my walls. But, it was far from over. Most people were in an emotional upheaval after that...and it wasn't going to get any easier. Since the day started off with a high level of emotional anxiety, and deep-seeded emotional stress...it was the right time to engage in the Actors Audience Experience. So, as I went in settled into a sit, unsettled however, and jittery...I was overcome with absolute compassion toward my fellow ensemble. When they cried out, and CRIED OUT!!! I felt what they were feeling, and I couldn't do anything about it. I wasn't allowed to do anything about it. But by making contact, I made it KNOWN that I cared so much....and they felt the same toward me. But I have to mention ONCE AGAIN!...that it was so terrible to see people in so much emotional turmoil..that even began to make me realize things I have ignored...and never settled with myself. Even in the audience, it hit home...and I felt a tumultous wave of passion and concern for each and every person...and I took in ALL their pain...all their self-hatred...internalized it within me and felt what they felt. That was the only way to understand. It was incredibly painful. Until, I moved to to seats facing away from the audience and the actors. The seats that you wait in before its your turn. Even behind the people on stage...there's a connection! And you I listened the most there, I listened to myself and I listened to the actors on stage. And even though I couldn't see their tears...it was just as overwhelming and I felt the same or more compassion than I felt before. Then...I moved once again, to the next level. This time. I was on stage. How difficult it was to even maintain my composure is indescribable. Before I reached the stage, as with everyone else, I was leaking...flowing with tears of fear. I couldn't even deeply breathe...I couldn't let out any type of relief. I was only able to find a semi, (but appropiate at the time) place where I could be neutral and content to move on to the next level. Next, I had to say my name. I had to own my name and be proud of my name. Brandon Luis Samuels. I said it, I embraced it, I fully without convictions owned it and accepted it. The next step was to share something on myself, a body part most specifically. But the part of me that was absolutely certain was my spirit. So, I revealed me spirit...through tears and sympathy, looking for someone to share my spirit with. Going in deeper with the process of revealing myself. I said soemthing that I wanted my audience to know about me. But, now thinking about it at home and after the exercise, I try not to have any regrets...although I will not own that I felt aftwerward that I should've said something else in addition that I wanted the audience to know about me instead of saying it at another time during the exercise. The whole category threw me off balance. But I think I feel closure with it now, and it was right at the time, even if I can't say why I said it. Sadly, I could discover why I said it then and before later on...but now, at that time...EVERYTHING was right, nothing was wrong...and there was a reason...no matter if I was able to identify why or not. Only I know why I said it, and that's what matter the most...ALWAYS. That I must own what I feel and say, or nobody can share that with you. Nonetheless, I said...when asked what I wanted the audience to know about me....was that...I would die for ANYBODY that I care about. Yes, at that moment...I shedded away all my selfish feelings (which are never bad), but I shedded the feeling that I would continue to live and allow in my heart, mind and soul...someone else to die. I meant what I said. No conviction. No matter how scared I am of death. I would die for those that I love. And what I forgot to say, but effectively communicated I believe...is that I love everyone in my ensemble...and I could die for each and every person in there. I owned it, I not only embraced it but I completely demonstrated it...and I shared with each person...the death in my heart. I showed them...WHERE I WOULD DIE! Still progressing...the next question was...the thing tha tI don't want people to know about me. What I said...was that I I wanted everyone to know that I hate myself because I am not perfect, that I hate myself because I am gay, and because I can't find anyone to love me. I do....I hate myself, actually...until then...I hateD myself for all that and more. I wasn't perfect, I was ashamed of what people would think of me because I was gay...I hated myself because I desperately needed someone to love me. Because I believed that I wasn't ALWAYS, no matter what...a beautiful child of god who holds the divine christ light within them. But I own that now...I no that I am that, and that I will NEVER ignore or suppress my beauty, on my exterior, and interior for now I will ALWAYS believe that I am Brandon..Divine, beautiful...and loved by so many that I can't even begin to realize how many. That's what I hold. But I owned that...and owning what I hated about myself was a release...I felt relieved. And there was still more, next I had to more or less choose two lines of text, and for most people it was relevant to what they felt, and it was from anything Shakespeare (which was oddly a tacitly established choice, or decision rahter). Granted I felt that I didn't know enough Shakespeare text, or remember enough....the most prominent lines of text stuck out in my head the most aside from the text I was studying for the actual play we're doing...and I believe that those words stuck out in my head for a defined, EXPLICIT purpose. It was as though I didn't retain any Shakespeare text I've learned because (in the nature of divine order), I knew that this day would come and I would need to speak text that I was emotionally connected with. Although feeling unsure, but soon enough owning and embracing my words, I said aloud, "Thou shalt not from this grave (but it really is supposed to be grove), till I torment thee for this injury." - Midsummer Night's Dream. That was the easiest (if you could call this experience anything easy) to say, but hardest to immediately own without conviction. To end my time on stage...I said my name again, I am Brandon Luis Samuels...and for the first time I knew who I was. I discovered where I was all this time, not inside of me, but with others. I love every person from my ensemble...there's a connection there that I cannot describe. Something that I know only I need to know, and only I can possibly share, but within the group. And...all the while, I squeezed an instructor's arm...holding on and owning my power...staying for support...for reassurement, in myself...and having another person letting me finally own myself, and on that note...*I take a sigh of relief* AHHHHHHHH... And then my tears become tears of joy, love, release, compassion, ENERGY...yes, even while I was in the audience I sent energy. I GAVE MYSELF, I GAVE WHAT I KNOW BEST TO GIVE...THAT IS...MY ENERGY. I discovered new things about the energy I possess. For me, that was a life changning experience. I went offstage and back into the audience...as a new person...and I left the old Brandon with the audience...in Studio C. I honestly did feel so compassionate toward my instructors though...I love them more than I can OWN even. I will forever be indebted to them. What I owe them is...is ME. And I promise that they will always have me. No matter what...I'm there. We left all went onstage and revealed our true colours to say...and I am proud of EVERYONE, of each and every person for showing me..and trusting me to help them share trust with them..share trust and love with them.
The day ended with games, and a "movement piece" of words or phrases that we heard ourselves and others say during the exercise. We took away fun, and embraced that...
"Our circle will remain unbroken until we are together again, Monday morning at 9:30 am." |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| Pastimes...passing excellent! |
|
|
| 09:57pm 09/06/2005 |
| |
mood:  ecstatic music: (singing) - Wicked
|
You enjoy life. You know what fun is and people
admire you for your natural flare. People
either love you or hate you but you know what
you want, and you couldn't care less. You're
the Carefree Hip Styled type of Gay Guy.
What type of gay guy are You?
brought to you by Quizilla |
|
| |
|
|
| |
| I got my theatre cherry popped! |
|
|
| 09:21pm 09/06/2005 |
| |
mood:  indescribable music: Jennifer Aniston sitting on a public toilet...nuff said
|
Welll....today I felt amazing, yet judgemental...which can be a lethal combination. But, I own doing a good job today and I appreciate my fellow actors congratulating me, it was really wonderful. I can't quite go through all the high-lights of today because I am seriously tired and not into posting, but I feel like I owe it to the people that actually look at my journal to at least tell them what is going on in my life. So, maybe I will just give you some memorable qoutes from the past two weeks, and that will give you an idea of how much fun we're having at TYC! (And...) Along with all the emotional stress that this training puts me through, I am still on an emotional journey discover an awakening in myself that I believe already exists within me, yet is shielded by fear and doubt and judgement, but overall hatred. I really hate who I am, yet I am willing to love myself. I think I am at the base of the problem, now I need to get to the root.
*MEMORABLE QUOTES!*
1.) -"Why would a teacher ask you to have sex with them!!"
="If a teacher asks me to have sex with them, I would just say, 'hey! can't you see I'm doing your math homework!"
2.) -"Ummm...I HAVE HERPES!"
3.) - "Yeah sexy flesh!"
4.) *looks up at Sly's head* "And the time seems thiry unto me" *looking down at below Sly's belt* "Being all this time abandon'd from your *sexy voice!* BED.
5.) -"What was the name of the professor of the D.A. in the 5th enstallment of the Harry Potter book?"
="Uhh...Minnie Driver?"
6.) "Me Nikki!!!" *throws head against wall*
And thats all I can remember...lol. I thought that I should share some of the inside jokes. lol. |
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
blank