be contradicted

» [financially starving]

» [7:31 pm]

the smell of a full bank account of money...

the lure of POWER...

god, i'm starving from all these.

i awoke with a jump, with the following random thoughts running across my mind in a flash:

CAPABILITIES UNDERUNTILISED-BOOTLICKING UNSUITABLE-MATHS' MY FORTE-GOOD-FULFILLING-FINANCE-ACCOUNTS-POSSIBLE-FULL POTENTIAL!!

yea, if you can figure out what i was thinking.

i had an outdoor shoot today for an ad. photo shoot for my client who incidentally is a car seller. well, technically, i should feel like this:

selling cars = wow.
involved in outdoor shoot = WOW.
beautiful talents running around you during the shoot = GLAM GLAM GLAM

Total = excellent, glamorous job

but if u could check out the other side of the equation...

whole saturday afternoon gone = it-just-sucks
HOT sun = u just wan to melt
bootlicking visiting client = entertaining at the worst
talent is your angmoh boss whom u TOTALLY are chemically un-tune with = awkward fake smiles

Total = A BAD-FAILED-ATTEMPT-AT-BOOTLICKING AFTERNOON

i sure as hell dun suit the ang-moh-i'm-better-so-i-can-be-arrogant kind of environment. being in the advertising industry sure becomes a torture if u dun have the innard ability to be a people-pleaser. it is a fatal ground of power-struggle-vis-power-display --> the youngest gets treated the worst unless u came from a rich background (the ancient chinese virtue of being humble about capabilities doesnt really stick well with this concept), while those in the high hierarchy sticks noses up n into the air and engages in bootlicking all the time.

and i'm desperately thinking of where my forte lies so that i can quickly make my exit and make it less painful for everyone. it's SO bothering me now. fuck. i hate this feeling.

i relish the thought of being financially powerful, but still being humble and nice (my strongest chinese virtue still remaining).

i aim to be able own a car by the time i reach 27. financially supporting it myself. i so very crave to be financially free. i'm not typically after branded goods, but i would love to be clothed in good quality clothes and sit down at expensive cafes sipping coffee & reading a book. i dun have to eat at expensive restaurants. but having perfect hair, teeth and makeup every minute is wat i look forward to be.

i shall work hard for my money!

a d d . a . c o m p l a i n t

» [another one]

» [11:50 pm]

another more public blog ready for a new beginning, a new start:

Living in Heaven, Starting from Square 1

will still be writing here at blurty. i still have emotional strings attached to it.

a d d . a . c o m p l a i n t

» [Is it my fault]

» [12:57 am]

» [

depressed]

Is it my fault that i went university

Is it my fault that i did better than them

Is it my fault that i choose to live my life the way i did

Maybe i was insensitive along the way, making them feel inferior abt themselves.

But no, i always tot my lil' bro would go a further way than i did

But he took it in the wrong light.

His Motivation in life was to succeed - more than ME, not for himself.

for the purpose to get more affection from my parents.

He thinks that is the reason why my parents side me n not him during arguments.

He thinks my parents are being blind, being unfair.

He thinks he's the Almighty,

He thinks, since no one else (ie. my parents) say anything abt my choice of life,

He shall step in and scold the senses out of me

He thinks i'm the devil. as with wat my traditional elder bro thinks.

Maybe becos i show less affection for the family.

Maybe......

.
.
.
.
.

But

.
.
.
.
.

They're wrong.

=============================

I wan to earn alot alot of money.

I wan to buy my own laptop

I wan to buy my own printer

I wan to buy my own house

I wan to earn my own keep

I'm not satisfied with wat i'm doing now

I do not wan to rely on my family for my own things

for that is what they are resentful about, for doing things for non-related ppl in their home.

I understand they dun like him

I understand....

Cos i failed to do a good job.

I understand....

But what can i do?

It's a struggle...

Everyday...

With Him

With an Unsupportive family

With an Unsupportive group of colleagues

With non-understanding friends

Who do i turn to?

Maybe it's my own fault,

for not being strong.

for relying on either group for support

whenever things go wrong in my own personal life

Maybe i'm wrong to do that.

For when things turn well,

they still blame him.

Yes, maybe it's really my fault.

for handling it wrongly.

Maybe it's just me.

6 r a m b l es |a d d . a . c o m p l a i n t

» [Politically Intrigued]

» [4:38 pm]

» [

nerdy]

The ease of the internet, the convenience of the mobile phone and the power of the media, all brought about the connectivity of human beings from across the world. Yet, as the world progresses, more terrorism is reported. When i read that Indonesia and the Free Aceh Movement Rebels have FINALLy signed a pact of peace after 3 decades of fighting, i was relieved. On the other hand, i wonder, why could any terrorist group (in this case, Aceh rebels were a result of a struggle for independence in Aceh province) actually "agree" to be peaceful with their so-called "democratic enemy"? arent we, the democratic society, deemed as selfish & morally "unsound", contradicting the muslim extremists' beliefs in all ways possible? why would they even come so close as to shake hands with their "enemy" and even decide to "modernise" themselves by joining politics instead of making their stand?

Don't get me wrong. I'm definitely a no-war fan. No war, no bloodshed, no fighting, no innocent lives lost - i'll support with both my hands and legs up. An incredulous thought even popped up in my mind - could the indonesian govt have planted an undercover in this Aceh group through the years, such that this undercover has since rose to the top position in the terrorist organisation and thus influenced the thinking of all 24,000 Free Aceh Movement Rebels? If not, for a million years, i doubt the mindset of extremists would change. Politics, apparently is the new game for them now. Aceh leaders would be forming political parties of their own and fight for their own space in the modern society of democracy. This has led me to believe that no matter how much damage is being done to us (eg. US World Trade Centre bombing), ultimately, the world will change and alter to become a generation where fighting is passe and munipulation of the people's minds through politics is the way to go.

I often wonder what would happen if the extremists win though. Looking at China, i cant help but feel it is being ruled by a extremist-group-adapting-to-the-free-trade-world. The recent tussle between China and Japan over the claim that a Japanese diplomat's death was purely suicidal instead of Japan's accusation that he was "hounded to death" & "blackmailed" by Chinese Intelligence personnel brought about much intrigue. In response to that assusation, China started digging old scores and said that Japan should answer for their ugly war history sins. How childish, i say! There are many different types systems of government (democratic, autocratic, communist, etc. ) and i dare not say Singapore's the best, nor any others is worse off. As long as their people believe in that system, no one's complaining, and all 192 children (read: independent states) of this world can live happily together, i have no qualms.

Thought of the Day: Being "independent states" we are, all 192 of us are resistent to external intervene, so who's gonna be the meditator, who's gonna be the mummy?

A politically-inclined post today. Wonder what 2005 has done to my brain. Anyways, Happy New Year, everyone. :)

Links:

Here's some good reads about the tension between China & Japan

1. Time: Why Japan Keeps Provoking China
2. Economist.com: China and Japan - So hard to be friends

a d d . a . c o m p l a i n t

» [What's My Color]

» [12:01 am]

Green
You're green, the color of growth and vigor. Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most down-to-earth color in the spectrum — reliable and trustworthy. People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your color!

http://web.tickle.com/color/index.jsp

a d d . a . c o m p l a i n t

» [10:04 pm]

i just realised i'll miss my blog once every month. posts are always around early of the month. a trend is showing...

a d d . a . c o m p l a i n t