I should have stayed home and died in an incased glory of comfort but i decieded to leave it all   
08:13pm 18/10/2005
  how easily nice things break within my grasp.......  
     Post
 
RE: this is how i see myself   
08:52pm 12/10/2005
 
mood: uncomfortable
music: Shai Hulud "Profound Hatred of Man"
Broken and tattered
Full of stitches and staples
...such as the teddy,
existence of pain.

But i'll paint a false scene
and hide
hide behind
from all mankind
fooling...

The real me dies,
Under the layers.
that no one will find

I dont belong
I fool myself too
and when i see past the scene
i crash












































































































































...lost
 
     Post
 
remember to fly away and never come back cause this is a place that you no longer veiw as home   
08:35pm 12/09/2005
  Peel away this laughter and look past the plastered fading smile, theres more pain and chaos inside then i could ever let anyone know  
     Post
 
two and twenty misfortunes   
06:56pm 20/04/2005
 
mood: disappointed
All elements are aligning in cosmic order and are preparing for me to fail again. this ones for the world: fuck you! i hate all this.
 
     Post
 
   
02:07pm 19/04/2005
  For she is my two, and there is no doubting that. I must get it right in this life, becuase what if this is our last chance? She is not something i am willing to lose, not here, not now, not in this round....screw the dice, i create my own destiny with her.  
     Post
 
   
01:39pm 19/04/2005
  I love her, truely, to the deepest canyons of the ocean in my infintite heart; I love Her. But how can I show her this, how can i make her feel it when I myself cant grasp onto reality long enough to heal? How can i continue to treat her this way without needing to go out and find the problem and fix it. I feel though my desire to change myself can become self destructive. But i want to release that quitoix soul buried beneath the rubble of two years faling. This has to be for the best, in the end. I need to stop hurting her. I need to stop hating myslef. I need to stop finding joy in sorrow. I need to start living again. I need to start breathing. I need to not stop those breathes once i begin. I looked over my posts and I see a complete downward spiral. I unending blackhole of morbid thoughts laced with poison. There are moments of clarity where i was able to grasp something pure, but its short and fleeting between my fingers, too slippery to hold on to long. But now once it gets there, i need to grap onto that mother fucker as hard as I can. I also say that i posted the follow:

"I need to go out and do so much, i need to go out on that journey that i always teased myself. Brek away from everything, break every bond, every relatinship, scarfice this life that feels like a downward sprial and enter the forest, fight my demons and see where i come out in the end. If I ever wil suceed in figuring this distant knight out. Its a huge world inside me and I feel so lost within it. But how could i beak it off? With her? Even for just a break. Its self-destrcutive. Its emotional sucicde. But if don't go out and figure myself out I'll be stagnant always. Hurting her more. Would she come back? I'm i that important? Will someone replace me? Tears begin to form. But how can I go on denying myself? Saying I'm okay when its all fucked up inside!!!!!! These lights of the day are grimmer then last year, and they dont ease my heart like tow years back. ARRRGHHH. I killed a loaf of bread. I destory the essences of things and it hurts me, takening away and wasting. But isnt that what i am doing with myself?


soo lost, soo lonely, soo confused..."





Also i read through the short, uncompleted story that i started posting. THough its thoughts are abstract and high complex to the point where i dont even understand, i can sort of dicpher that i wanted to explain a need to forgo the bounderies of the body and the contrasts of the world. You need to remake yourself and put your body through the torrent of pain and darkness in hopes of arriving on the other side, washed, cleaned, enlightened, tougher, smarter and hopefull for everything. As they said in the great film, "I Heart Huckabees", "You, you're too gloomly, and you're not gloomy enough" I need to reestablish lmy life. I just hope she becomes my island to accept me back in when i have run my course through the current.
 
     Post
 
A long winter....   
09:22am 18/04/2005
 
mood: sad
music: Armor For sleep "Awkward Last Words"
I'm a destroyer of beautiful things. Everything i touch i break. I hurt others and disappoint many more. I'll cradle a flower and watch it decay before my eyes before I get the chance to take in its scent. What is a destroyer to do? Maybe a was faulty built, shoty worksmen ship by the cestial beings. Life feels awkward and out of place. Its the race that i am losing, i was afraid to start it to begin with. I failed her in this life. This one, we'll blame on me when meet again. I was too fucked up to work properly. Maybe the next time around things will be better, we'll get this right and and everythign will be perfect. Fuck! I hate this world, it never felt right. Maybe the world will be different? Maybe it will be made for us in the next round and the dice will roll in our favor
 
     Post
 
Negative Negative, Breaker Breaker!   
06:54pm 17/04/2005
  I'll fail every one over and over again... it just seems like i havent been granted the grace. Built improperly. Rusting. Disassemble me and sell the parts. I'm gone.  
     Post
 
   
12:03am 13/04/2005
 
mood: nauseated
music: March Before the Fear of Flames
I wish i felt real happiness. This bleakness, this pessimism doesnt feel like it wants to leave me. Its to strong in my mind and bleachs my mind free of any beautiful color. It holds strongholds. I am just a beach void of dunes, taking the relentless pounding of the stroms wave. I don't know hoe much longer i can hold this mask in place before my arms grow weariy, fall, revealing a shatter jaw and blackened eyes, and tear drained red eyes. So broken and still i want to dare to dream. To dream to just say i once wanted, but never trying to manifest the intagible. This world wants to strech me thin and i just might break again.

I can float past the world, sweep by their bodys and send a chill down their spine. Thats the best touch i can give them, make them shudder and feel cold. I am ghost to all who encounter me. I lifeless spirit encasing nothing more then regret and dissappointment. Condemed to suffer for all enternity to see beautiful things and never feel them. I'lll hang around my grave a little longer. They'll never know what its like to be trapped in the solitude of my mind. The lonliness in there is too much to handle. I just want to stop finding joy in sorrow....
 
     Post
 
Push the needle to far and it might scratch the record of you favorite songs   
11:47pm 12/04/2005
 
mood: frustrated
music: Circle Takes the Square
"I dont expect anyone to ever understand, i dont expect anyone to care. Its not like this matters to anyone really. I'm a ghost just floating by and you'll never notice me. Dead to all eyes and lost of the flesh, but why am i still here and how do i still exist if devoid of flesh? I can see the wind, but i can't feel it. How i wish i could feel again..."
 
     Post
 
Winter secceds the election to Spring   
09:07am 11/04/2005
 
mood: refreshed
music: The Jazz June- Fight like Sinatra
Summer sun soaking into pale skin,
The Squrriels rejoice and play
Tuesdays rain breed Wednsdays bright green
and i call this season a home

With winter now dead and spring on the way i just felt like it was time to reflect on on why i love this time of year so much. The above obviously states why. Tans. Squrriels. The color of nature. And its my home. yes, my home, i sit out in the sun and feel a great joy as my body soaks in the heavenly rays i feel it nuturing my dead body brough by winter and find solace in the celstial heavens on warm nights. Sometimes i wish that fall would bleed right into spring and by pass winter all together. siiiggghhhh.
 
     Post
 
long drive against the current   
08:44pm 04/04/2005
  .failure.disappointment.death.decompose.  
     Post
 
Random poems   
10:17pm 28/03/2005
 
mood: numb
music: Lux Couragous "Seatbelts Are Saviors"
"Unequaled Pop bubble Gum"

Cut this heart out,
Sew up the loose viens save one...
Let the ocean fill with my blood,
Sea green traded for death red.
I never thought life was so illusionary,
depnding on a rhyme scheme - and not a passion

If you let the water go
Nothing comes back
Caught in the stream of the tide
To a desert Island
With banter accompaniment by the captain of the cheerlead squad

The levels now dip
Brain fogging oxygen deprivation
Feelings leaving
For once this feels real
void of percetions



"Untitled 1"

Give me one wish
and i'd wish it away
waste it all on regression
Freud would turn in his grave








"Red vs Blue"

Everything be alright
Screaming
Everyone will wonder how
what happend to this all?
Forgotten past
drilling present
everyones watching
dont mess up
dont let them know you hurt
they'll see your weakness
turn it againt you
weakness breeds weakness
they all know your losing the battle
they all kow they are wining against you


"Risky Business"

Not sure if this dangerous
To just run away
leave what has been set forth before me
Not that its working out for me aways

The pacfic could be a week away
If i start now
But how do you start what feels so right
When it all feels so wrong?
It just feels better to say that i dream
then to act
on a feeling

Just watching the sky
losing perception to a world of material
Becoming cestial
This could be dangerous
but who would know after i become cestial?







"Untitled 2"

Silent drawn lines
echoed ancient arts
I can see the angles drawn themselves forth
From photographed love
If i could only find a home to go running back to
Stacked high and piled low
drive off to a place no one will find
 
     Post
 
See, the problem is you're too morbid, and you're not morbid enough   
09:58pm 28/03/2005
  Nothing makes sense. Nothing has a purpose or meaning. Nothing is everything. Everything is nothing. How am i not myself? Its all lies and fog. Our perception leads us to illsionary life of false dream. We're lead along like a kid chasing after a dollar on fishing line. Everything dies and suffers. Everyone is disconnected from everything else. Its all meaningless. Why try? WHy worry? Why care? Life sucks unless you sell youself out to become a shee to the slaughter.  
     Post
 
   
10:17pm 01/03/2005
  somewhere across the bay there sits a boy. He's waxing his board under his arm and dreaming of escaping this wayward world. maybe he'll just go out towards the horizion and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle and paddle until he comes to some other place. Maybe an island. Maybe a new country. maybe a nw plane of existence where he is better understood.  
     Post
 
   
09:46pm 01/03/2005
 
mood: restless
music: A playlist of various hardcore
1. Misunderstood
2. Forgotten
3. Disregard
4. Pushed Aside
6. Pushed around
7. Used
8. Abused
9. Over Stress
10. Over Extended
11. Ignored
12. Bled
13. Turned Away

Emptiness running through me
Taking all that i am
Leaving me this blinding mask
Grasping for the wind
Everything I've done
Everything I've gained
It all means nothing
A mere breath has passed away
Sadness I embrace
Left with empty promises
I look at myself and see the scars
That are brought to me by this life
Then I ask myself
Is that all this world has to give
The chase is over I am finished
Stripped of every reason I cry out to You
From my knees I scream

as i lay dying "A Breathe in the EYes of Enterity"

























why? I dont get it at all....






Some say half empty, half full.....i never got a glass to start with.....








Panic in the streets of london!




























sudden cries lamented over dried coffins in summer burnded heat with misquitos kisses and ghoper hole-ing.





















Breathe? Naaah....i'll just suffoate under the weight of it all






tear at the breathe














failure is immeniet


go joe......gi jooooooeeessss!






i miss the beach



warning core implosion
 
     Post
 
As I Lay Dying   
03:15am 27/02/2005
 
mood: blank
Everything feels so messed up inside of me. One part of me drives out of my body searching for that beautiful angel of my dreams named al. ANother part of my soul fights, seeking to become a recluse, to disapear from the workd and remain a mystery to all. No one understands the totality of being me. No one understands the constaint pressure to suceed. The constaint pressure to be someting never imgined before, to be something fake, a figment. I feel like such a failure before my family. I look and see how everypne has been able to progress themselves and i fall sooooo short of them all, no matter how hard i try. I am a failure beyond measure. I am a failure beyond this word of quantivative measure. I fail all beings, i fail all who would have done better if given the chance i have been give.

This is the problem with dreamers...we dream. We dream beyond any tangible goal but see a more metaphysical reality of concepts and theories buried beanth a layer of Camus and fancy words. They cant feel the emotims envoked by a sudden sream from the valley of twinkling quitars. I am alone in this world, I am the recluse amoung the masses. Someone has to fill this role, why not me. It all seems an Illusions to me. Nothing is real before my eyes. None of this joy is real. But this pain, this burn, this sting, this punctuer into my soul is soo real. It Breaks thriough all my layers and passed through me. I feel it soo intense, like a electic current, just suddenly passing through me to then forget me after the pain is introdued. How i hate this world. Soon i will pass on to the next and forget everything else around me. No one loves this decaying flesh. Cause i certainly don't.










I'm trying so hard to understand what Jack Kerouac means when he takes about Buddism. But it all seems to be suddenly grasped by me to then only be greased from my grip and understanding. He seems to have all the answers and can approach any diffuctly situation patienctly. I cant learn this, I cannot understand this. There is a violence in my soul byond the reason of man. There is a love for the most grusome acts to be commmited.....there is a strange joy hiddeden with my heart to stare deep within a mans eyes and watch his life leave him...................and that doesnt even consist of them all.....................i just wish i could see this all as a dream, as nothing...how beautiful would the world seem if it was nothing. I would not be able to compare it ot anthing. It would surpasse all my words, but I know i would will never enter that stage and i wil always have the same words and feelings and emotions and desires and deaths..................................................................................................................................

baskingin the sun
the rattle snake lays
feeling the rays
warming his blood
nature is lovely
the sun is lord
the sky is heaven
night falls
ayrros leaves homes
dhrama bums mediate
one leave nothingness,
notihing becomes him
 
     Post
 
   
12:10pm 25/02/2005
  Will you come and what will I say
Oh I have been so distant and unhappy
Like I could disappear

When I was a boy I saw things
That no one else could see
So why am I so blind at twenty-one
To the hope that is all around me
Filling up this room

On the road on my own
Waiting for the words to fall from your tongue
Into my ears

When I was a boy I could hear
Symphonies in seashells
So why am I so deaf at twenty-one
To the sound of the driving snow
That drives me home to you
 
     Post
 
   
05:45pm 22/02/2005
 
mood: gloomy
did i fail again? am i too hopeful? too dreamy? too lost from reality?
 
     Post
 
The Joureny of the Lost Ghost   
11:37pm 21/02/2005
 
mood: drained
music: ipod shuffle mix
7:45pm, Monday nite, Philadelphia. The snow from the previous night had melted away as it switched over to rain during the day. Piles of snow were built up against the side of the road, blackened by desiel and dirt. The wheels of the car scream by them, sliding close and nicking a piece everynow and then when the road narrowed. It would be a long journey, drink - check, empty bottles - check, charms - check, ipod - check and charged, cell phone - check, passionate madness - check. The previous 12 hours had been a fury of dissapointments, aggrevation and dispair. Solace was needed for this thinnly streched phantom. He had reached his breaking point long ago and held out as best he could under the pressure of it all but it wouldnt be long before he snapped and forced many to cry and say goodbye. Tears would form when this thought entered his mind performed its devilish drama in his head, how it would go down, what would happen, what would be said, how they would mourn. This had to be stopped.

The Schuykill street lamps flew by at 70 miles an hour. The wet ground created a whimiscal whine as the rubber wheels cut through the film. A delightful array of musical instrutments pounded out of the speakers and glow of the night sky created a magical feeling. He knew, in another world, he was going on a different joureny, one that played out in his head so many times. He wouldnt be destinted for some spot that he has been million times, or felt comfortable in, but a place more destint, more remote and unknown, and random. THat would be a joureny that would last longer than one night, it would last a lifetime because he would never want to go back to his old life. But this wasn't that journey and the daydream of it in his head suited him enough for the moment. That dream could never become a reality if he didnt strive to fix what was broken now.

Over the river and through the merges, the road winded onward and begged him to chase. He reved the engined, gained speed, wanting to put more distance between and where he had been a moment ago. Every impluse, every inkling, erged him to keep going, to drive forward. But this is maddnes he thought. It spontenious and destrutive and mad. Not an bit of reason, his intermonolouge continued. For the first time tonite he felt his own logic step in, brushing aside the mad laughter and excitement of a desperate man. What was going on, self doubt? Was he feeling his own failure of the future again, like he had so many times before? He could sense when his dreamy qouxtic self was misleading him and sending him into danger. Was this happening now? Had he lost the excitment this soon? Was it really his demons inside taking control to lead him faster to his grave? To play out a drama he didn't account for because they would use fate, maybe in the form of a drunk driver, to accomplish what they set out for? He gripped the wheel tighter with this thought. I am a ghost, imperious to these things, i float and haunt, Appear and disappear. I drive forward on desires of completeness and to become flesh again. This cannot stop me, demon or not, i have a hope, a faint hope to manifest into man again and atonement of my sins. The accelerator pressed closer to the floor, and his grip tightened around the wheel, ready for what fate might throw out at him.

The time spent driving melted away, blurred in the lines of the road as he edged closer to his mark. Soon he could see the outline of the buildings he felt more cofortable around. A place of sin painted against the peace of the ocean swell. He entered the small city, more cars on the road then he expected on a monday night. Possibly those greedy after a sunday spent in holy grace. The contined into the island and twisted into a matrix of ramps and merges and highways. He steadied himself for the worst, He knew fate migh show his hand in this deal and he wanted to call his bluff. The joureny continued without a hitch and he crossed over to a more desolite island and made his way. Parked, Ready Himself and began he footed joureny. A few house still held occupants. The season closed most of the town down. Walking the street, he felt like a drama bum, a figure blackened and then light by the lamp light. Families would glance out their windows and wonder what mischovious this deviant was up to at night. No deviant, a vagrant, a wayward son of man confused by the world around him. A charming man in the past.

The sea air smelled beautiful to him. It had been a long time since he had last taken in a deep breath of the sea. It was almost a high, holding in the salty, fishy, sandy air. He darted down the planks, through the dunes, the way he had a million times before. The ocean's roar could be heard before he emerged from the walkway. Then he saw it, a beautiful night swell, strong powerful and chaotic. The erge for a board consumed him, to go out there and free his soul. That would have to wait, he had business. Carefully he pulled out the bottles, the charms and began going to work. He drew a triangle, drew a heart in the pierced by a trident. Around the heart he drew a dove, a wave, and book. At each point of the triangle he filled a bottle half way, inserted charm and then went on to the next. When he was finsihed he place a bottle at each corner and sat in the middle and prayed. He prayed for fortunes of heart, for understanding of life, for love, friendship, peace of mind, forgiveness of failings and faults, and for the power that e felt emit from the triangle. He felt at ease again, just momentarily. It was done he thought. FOr tonite. There was still more needing to be done when he got back and this journey was over.

He would fight fate all the way home in the images of cars, puddles, and nature trying to make him fail. He hoped those arund him would understand what he tried to do tonite. He hope for understanding of the pressures and demons that plagued him. He hoped for help. He hoped tonite would help. Nothing left but to wait. Waiting for morning, not mourning.
 
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