love is an excuse to get hurt

Thu. 08/26 · · 07:14pm i need the name of the song by my chemical romance that starts off... 'we drive tonight, and you are by my side...' please help. -erin. thoughts

Wed. 03/24 · · 02:30am mood · nostalgic music · matchbook romance - farewell to friends. * blurty sucks. i'm switching journals. i'm not giving out the address though.. i've given it to the people who i want reading it.. i don't need anymore bullshit. a journal is supposed to be about what i need to write about.. and i can't do that here.. i may still update once and a while.. but i dunno.. this is pretty much my last entry.. so since this is my last entry, which just so you know, will be extremely fucking long and pretty boring.. i'd like to state something, fuck all of you.. if you're going to comment shit to this entry, then that's fine. at least sign your name though. for once, i'm using this journal for it's purpose.. for it's last entry i'm going to write what i'm actually feeling. i'm going to write shit that i don't even fucking care what people say in my comments. i don't care anymore. have fun making fun of my thoughts and feelings. i hope you do. but i don't care. i'm writing what i want to write.. goodbye blurty. i may come back and visit once and a while.. i shall miss thee. * i've been doing a lot of thinking lately.. and my whole perspective of life has changed. i gave up bitching about people that i disliked a while ago.. but this is my new theory.. no hatred. yeah, i've gotten pissed at people lately and talked shit/said shit to their face.. but i'm so sick of wasting my energy on hating people that i won't even remember after high school anyway. i'll look back on my yearbook pictures and say like, 'i miss her.' i'm not going to look back and say 'oo i hate that girl with a passion, she's a slut, blah, blah, blah.' it's pointless.. we won't remember any of this.. grudges are pointless. eventually you lose the reason why you were even fighting with someone.. there's no point and i'm done.. i don't even care if i once hated you or said shit about you.. it doesn't matter what you did to me at any point in my life.. it's a waste of time and energy. i'm not one of those people who's babbeling on about 'why can't we all just be friends' bullshit.. i'm not saying that at all.. i'm just sick of the petty bullshit.. i no longer hold grudges.. sure, there are people who i have no intention on being friends with.. but i'm not going to be a bitch for no reason anymore.. if you deserve bitching, you will get it. but after i bitch i'm not even going to be pissed anymore. i'm going to stop dwelling on problems and just accept things. at least i'm trying. i'm going to stop dwelling on drama and just laugh about it. i'm done. * it's so odd how fast shit changes in my life.. my best friends are kristen and jen.. i never, never thought that i would ever put down who my best friends are and not have caitlyn as the first person on that list.. i've gone through alot of closest friends, and good friends in the past few years.. but caitlyn was always the first person on that list.. she was always my best friend. she was always the first person i would call whether i wanted advice, help, or shoes.. i never imagined that she wouldn't even be on that list. insead she's on the list of people that say shit about me. 'shit's fucked up' as jeff would say. i was really drunk last weekend and i was on the phone with jeff.. i looked up at the giant baby picture of caitlyn on my mirror and said hold on to jeff.. i didn't go anywhere i just needed to stop talking and think.. i started crying out of no where.. he asked me what was wrong so i told him that i missed caitlyn.. and he said that he was sick of this shit cause he knows i'm not happy without her.. so he convinced me to call her.. she didn't pick up her cell phone though.. i unblocked my number so my number would show up on the caller id. i did that so she could choose whether or not she wanted to talk to me.. instead of picking up to a blocked number and being forced to talk to me cause i was on the phone and she didn't wanna be a bitch to me or anything like that.. it figures she didn't pick up. i hate this feeling.. it would be cool, well not cool, but tolerable if we weren't talking but we also weren't enemys.. but i guess that's just how my life works.. it's never just okay. it goes from heaven to hell. there's never a happy middle and there's hardly ever a heaven anymore.. it's basically just hell.. i'll have my days where things are amazing and i'm so happy. and then there's always something that happens. there's always something that's keeping me from being truely happy. and it doesn't matter how small that something that pisses me off may be, it sends me from heaven to hell in a milli-second. nothing can just be alright. nothing can just be fine. it has to be like this. all the fucking time. * jeff has been so amazing.. kristen put it so well today.. that me and jeff don't seem good together when she just thinks of us together.. we seem like total opposites.. but then when she sees us together we're so amazing together.. she's right. he deserves so much better then me, but he's still with me. and he still loves me. he's the only good thing that i have in my life, and it scares the fuck out of me. the only thing that really worries me is that he's not only my boyfriend, he's not only the boy who i'm completely in love with, he's my best friend. i can talk to him about anything and everything and he's always there for me. he gets me ways that nobody else does. he knows things that nobody else knows. and then i start thinking about what if we break up? what's going to happen to us when we're not even friends anymore? i don't think i would be able to handle loosing him as a boyfriend or as a friend.. i really need to learn to trust him that he loves me and stop denying the fact that he does because i'm afriad of the future.. if i let myself fully fall for him then we break up it will kill me.. i'm so afraid to give my all to him.. i know that i already have givin my all to him, and i don't regret it.. but i worry that someday i will.. nothing good lasts forever. i've been taught that lesson far too much lately.. i need to realize that he's not going to break my heart some day.. he always says that he never will but i still have that feeling that one day i'll lose him and when i do, it will be forever.. i don't know, it's hard to explain.. some of you might understand what i'm talking about.. i could just never bear losing him. i could never see myself living without him in my life. * so today i went over kristen's house with eric, alan, bill, and mark. it was fun.. i love my beautiful kristen<3. we had some intresting conversations on the bus ride home lol.. now the whole dana bus knows some stuff about me and kristen that is kind of odd.. the whole bus ride we talked about kristen's mom and some good times we had with her.. why her mom hates me.. (do you have any more twizzlers??).. and we also talked about an amazing drunken night. haha. she's fucking amazing. and she'll always be my girlfriend. lol. i love you kristen<3 * jen blight, how much do i love thee? let me count thy ways.. lol. well first there's dancee dancee of course.. then there's her wonderful spencer impressions.. then there's her lightbulbs where the 4th one has been flickering very much lately.. you know it's true jen. haha. i miss you like whoa jen blight.. and you know that *he* does remember that drunken conversation. hahahaha. with most people who i stay over there house/they stay over my house it's like we'll talk, then go online, then talk, then eat, then watch tv, then talk, then fall asleep.. but with you the talking never stops.. we even talk while we're eating and sleeping lol. even when we're with large groups of people, we'll leave them to talk. the conversation actually never stops between us jen.. it's great. i guess that's why it's so easy for me to read your mind like i do lol. we should have never disliked eachother.. we were destined to be friends.. and now finally, after we're both not friends with the people who made us hate eachother, we're together. and i fucking love it! lol. * kayla, my dear, i miss you. i hope you're doing better. i've said it so many fucking times but i don't know if you really do get me.. you are the strongest person that i have ever known. you've been through so much, especially lately, and you're still holding up. i'm very very proud of you and i love you to death. i don't know where you get your inner strength from, but it just proves that you're going places in life. i just hope that you don't forget about me. you're another person who i could never, ever see us not being friends.. even after we're all grown up we're still going to hang out and have amazing south kingston times.. cause after i graduate i'm definatly moving back to my hometown of south kingston.. and when i'm not visiting you at your wonderful beach house in florida, you're going to be visiting me in south kingston.. and we're going to hang out in the church parking lot, chill at reese's, and of course we have to steal from orloski's lol. i know that you're going to grow up, and marry jimmy, and try to forget about the bad shit that happened in this god forsaken valley.. but i hope that you always remember me.. cause i will never forget about you, kayla. it doesn't matter what happens, you know i'm always here for you. i will never judge you. and i will never stop loving you. you were my first true best friend and we've had so many fucking amazing times.. people always say 'friends forever' and it doesn't work out.. but we've been such good friends for 10, going on 11 years now.. i hope we have a friends forever relationship that never dies. i hope we still know eachother and are still completely insane and always chain-smoking menthol cigarettes together when we're like 90 years old. lol. i love you kayla baby. * caitlyn, i doubt you read this, but if you do.. let's be cool.. no more talking behind backs about me and i'll stop bitching to munch about the decisions you have made that i don't agree with.. i'm sure he's told you about what me and him discuss in study hall and in the hall before 8th period at his locker.. so i'm sure you know what i'm talking about. i'm fine with you wanting to be only friends with holli and not talk to me anymore.. i've accepted that our friendship didn't mean as much to you as it meant to me.. but just so you know, it really did mean alot to me.. and if you want to walk away from all of the amazing years and the amazing memories we've shared.. then please don't do it like this.. please don't let me hear that you're saying shit about me.. please don't give me dirty looks in the hall.. please don't stand up and walk away from the lunch table with holli when i walk in there and sit a table away from you with kristen.. if you want to erase me from your memory, then simply forget about me. just forget about everything. forget about all of our memories, burn my pictures, and pretend as if we have never met.. you're over the fact that we're no longer friends, but i'm not yet. i've accepted it.. but i'm not over it yet.. and it's going to take a while.. so please do me a favor and don't make it hard for me to forget about you.. it may have been really easy for you to give it all up, but it's not for me.. not at all. if you ever were my true friend you should know what this is doing to me. you should know that me hearing shit that you say about me makes me cry.. you should know that when i hear you're having problems it kills me because i can't hug you and talk to you and get the slight satisfaction of knowing that i helped you vent, knowing that i helped you not hold everything in, knowing that you would come to me when you needed help.. i helped you work though some things.. i helped you get your mind off of the shit that you have to deal with.. when i heard about you having a panic attack in school and seeing you, obviously really upset, and me not being able to help you fucking killed me caitlyn.. i can't deal with still loving you as a friend and you just not giving even the littlest fuck about me.. that's why i ask that you just stop with the bullshit and completely forget about me.. so that i can attempt to do the same with you.. i don't want to.. but i can't sit in school every fucking day and think about what the fuck happened to us.. i can't sit there and blame myself for the shit that happened between us.. i can't deal with me not being able to know whether or not you're okay. whether or not you're happy. whether you need help or not. whether you're even thinking about me in the back of your mind just a little bit, and then realizing that you don't even care anymore. it kills me that i can't walk up to you and talk to you whenever i need to.. sure, i can talk to jeff and kristen and jen about stuff.. but i don't have that feeling.. that feeling where it doesn't matter what it is i'm about to say, i know that you'll understand it when i tell you. i know that you may laugh at me, make fun of me, or cry with me.. but i know that after that you help me with things. big things and little things. you've always been there for everything. we had something that i've never seen with anybody else. we just click. like it was meant for us to be together to help eachother through shit and to just act like complete and total fools together and beat eachother up on wyoming avenue cause we saw a wooden car.. i can't fucking do it anymore. i can't keep on thinking about this shit.. so let's just both stop the mellow-dramatic teenage bullshit as result of the valley waste high school and just stop everything.. that would be a hell of a lot easier then this situation we have right now.. you probably don't give a fuck and you're sitting there laughing at me.. you may not even notice that anything i'm saying is fucked up.. you may not miss climing out condo windows and drawing faces on desks.. but i do.. i remember everything.. and it's eating me alive inside knowing that shit is fucked up with us.. i know you don't care that i'm writing any of this.. but i had to get some shit out.. i can't hold this in anymore.. and it's not the same where when shit used to be fucked up i would just call you or meet you on the tracks and we'd talk for hours and listen to pop-punk music.. i can't do that anymore.. so this is my way of closure i suppose.. this is my way of getting out some of my feelings.. this is all just me talking, me getting this out. i don't need a response from you. i'm not sure if i want a response. for the sake of the friendship that we once shared, i want you to do me one last favor. think back to about 6th or 7th grade.. i used to have this gay song in my profile about you.. it was a horrible song but the words definatly went with the friendship that we once had.. this is the whole song.. i only had parts in my profile so i hope you at least remember some parts.. but i used to always write this whole song in notebooks and shit about you in the middle school days.. i've always hated the song itself, but when i was going through my old saved profiles and i read this i actually balled my eyes out.. i can't believe that this was us not that long ago and now my whole world has become a fucked up movie.. i never thought that we would end like this caitlyn.. we used to talk about moving in together after high school and going to colleges that weren't far away from eachother.. i was going to go for fashion design and you were going to go for the same thing but minor in buisness.. we were going to open our own store and become billionaires.. we were going to have an east wing and a west wing in our mansion.. we would live on different sides.. when we used to talk about it you wanted to live in the east wing with david boreanaz and i was going to live in the west wing with someone else.. i forget who it was.. but we were going to have a huge dining room table and we were going to sit at opposite sides of it and scream across the table to talk.. i always knew it wouldn't happen.. but it was one of those things that i thought we would always joke about once and a while.. something that we would always dream about it actually happening and how amazing that would be.. i just went extremely off subject there.. but i was just thinking about that.. but this is the last favor i want from you.. i want you to just read this and try to remember when this was how we were.. · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · as i walk into my bedroom i see pictures on my wall of the last year of memories the country fair, a movie there sometime we don't remember where they won't let me forget the time we shared. you know i'm always thinking of you no matter what the time of day or place cause you were my friend when there were no others. and all of my love for you can never be erased, no. no, i never had a friend like you and i hope we stay together and somehow we're gonna make it through you'll be my friend forever no matter how far away you'll always have a special place cause i never had a friend like you no, i never had a friend like you it feels good to know you're only a call away i reminisce about the times when we would play at the bus stop, or at the park.. everybody has that special someone can't believe that someone was you for every storm that has approached us you never left my side and always kept it true i never had a friend like you.. a friend like you to guide me through my problems a friend like you to have kept it true when life gets cold a friend like you, listens when there's nothing left to say imagining those things i used to say as we played. a friend like you who i would cherish all my life. a friend like you, the one that made me care everytime i look into your eyes, afraid to say a friend like you to me you'll always be right there.. · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · you probably don't remember.. but if you do, just remember when those words used to mean something, remember what we used to have. this teenage sitcom bullshit between us is fucking killing me.. let's just stop with it. let's just stop so that i can try to get over the fact that you no longer need/want me as a best friend, or even a friend at all. i need to get over the fact that you stopped hanging out with me to be with holli every day. i need to get over the fact that when i realized what was happening to us, i flipped out over it. to mucher, to kristen, to jeff, to jen. i flipped out and it got back to you. it got back to you and all that you did over the fact that we were officially no longer friends, was write in your journal "erin's pissed at me. oh well" and then go on to talk about how much fun you've been having with holli. i need to stop thinking about this. i needed to get this shit out of my system and off of my mind. i need to say goodbye. i never got to say goodbye to you. it's like you went on vacation and i look at your pictures on my wall and i miss you so much, but there's no way of seeing you or talking to you or having any contact with you. it's as if you went on vacation and you're never coming back. i know i can't forget about you, but i'm going to attempt it. i guess our 6 years of friendship meant more to me then it meant to you. that's how you forgot about me so easily and i just can't forget about everything that we had together. i can't get it out of my mind. so now it's time to say goodbye.. you've moved on so i've got no choice but to attempt to do the same. god i fucking hate change. i hate that nothing can just stay good forever. i hate that i tried to be the best friend that i could ever be for you, but you are willing to just throw it all away. i hate that i haven't stopped crying since i first typed your name in this entry. but most of all, i hate the next thing that i'm about to write. i hate the fact that i even need to write it. i never wanted to say this, and it is honestly the hardest thing that i have ever had to do.. goodbye, caitlyn. * one more thing.. i want you to read this. i want you to look at the song that i'm listening to up at the top of this entry.. you know who it used to be about.. but read these lyrics.. it's no longer about him.. when i listen to it now, after all you and i have been through, i don't even think of him when i hear it or write out the lyrics when i'm bored in school.. it only reminds me of you and all the shit that went wrong between us. it reminds me of how i so desperately want to go back in time and prevent all of this from happening. it reminds me of how much i miss you. it reminds me that things will never be the same again. it reminds me that even though i think about you when i hear this song, it doesn't matter to you. it reminds me that it doesn't matter what i do anymore, it's over. it used to be a song about him that would make me think of the happy times. it is now a song about you that makes me think about the bad times. the bad times near the end of our friendship. the bad times that i will never be able to fix. the times that you'll never have me back for. the times that i would do anything to erase them from both of our memories. this is no longer his song. it's yours. · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · a picture's worth a thousand words but not worth the words i need to hear i miss you so much that it hurts and tonight, i wish you were here with me so i could make you see the stars, they lay across the sky so perfectly they remind me of all the times when we used to sit underneath them, those summer nights, and fall in love. its not alright, it's our last night together i won't give up, i can't let go of you. i can't let go of you. and tonight, i close my eyes and dream that she is still the one, laying there beside me i'd walk a thousand miles i'd swim across the sea what do i have to do, please just tell me · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · · it was about him.. it was about that last night.. you know exactly what i'm talking about.. but now when i listen to it, it's not the pictures of him on my wall that are worth a thousand words.. it's the pictures of you. it's my photo album filled with your pictures. it's the memory box filled with notes from you that i started in 6th grade and i still have every single one that you ever wrote me. the summer nights under the stars used to be about that last summer there.. now it's about sitting on your deck talking for like 6 hours straight about everything in the middle of the night. it's about ocean city. it's about walking around aimlessly at all hours of the night. it's about pool hopping. it's about running around under the stars with no shoes or coats on when it turned midnight on new years many years ago, in search of davey lewis because you wanted a new years kiss from him that year. it's about the times that no matter how hard i try, i can't forget. when i would fall asleep listening to this song the part that says 'i close my eyes and dream that she is still the one, laying there beside me,' i no longer have my eyes closed, laying in my bed, thinking about him. i now lay in my bed, with my eyes closed, and cry. because i'll start to think about waking up with you falling off of your bed, clenching onto my legs trying to hold on. but you were still completely asleep. i think about waking up and we're both covered in that white thing that used to be above your bed because i used to fuck with it and pull it down just cause you would get so pissed. i think of before we would fall asleep we would stuff our faces with pizza and breadsticks, drink tons of soda, then have manly belching contests. i think of all of these things constantly. i can't take this anymore. i can't listen to music anymore without somehow tying it to this fucked up situation. i can't stop crying. i can't stop thinking about what i have lost. i can't stop thinking about how i could have been better to you. i can't say goodbye and actually mean it. i can barely say goodbye and pretend to mean it. i can't do this anymore. i'm just going to say goodbye to you once more, and just constantly think about how i can't keep on missing you because you no longer want me as a part of your life. i need to realize that i don't deserve you. that you deserve better and i need to let you have that. i need to realize that right now, as i'm spilling everything to you, that you're sitting there, at your computer, laughing at my pathetic attempt to not need you anymore. i need to let you go. i need to say goodbye. i wish this wasn't reality. sadly, it is. and i can't change it. so once again, i have to say it, and try to accept it. goodbye caitlyn. * yes.. so, i just wrote my feelings. for once, i told people how i feel. mostly caitlyn.. everybody other then her most likely stopped reading when they realized how long the part about her was.. yes, i wrote alot about her. i got some of my supressed feelings out that i've been burying inside of me acting as if it didn't bother me since this shit started. yes, i finally let caitlyn know that it was an act of me pretending not to care. i let her know that instead of dealing with shit, i pretend it's not going on. i told her how i felt in this entry. and guess what? it didn't fucking help. i know that there will be comments from people saying shit. i know that holli franklin will comment and find something to bitch about. most likely the last sentence that i just wrote. i know that there will be anonymous ones. but i also know that i am done with this journal. so you can have fun. you better enjoy it. this is the last journal entry that you will be able to comment shit about me in. so have a ball. yes, i should have gotten hurt in the accident. it making me uglier really wasn't bad enough. yes, i don't deserve anything good that ever happened to me. yes, i love jeff tyler. i wrote it up there. so you can have some fun commenting about that one. yes, i am a scumbag slutty bitch. and i fucking love it. so please comment. it's my last entry, so i really hope that everyone goes all out for it. and i really hope you think i care. give me your worst. i'm begging you. there's nothing at all.. not a single fucking thing that you can say to me that is going to make me feel worse then i already do.. you may not believe me on that, but go ahead and test me. comment away. my life is always hell. constant and complete hell. if you think you can make me feel even shittier from your comments then try. i wrote how i feel and i'm glad that i finally did. i never tell people how i actually feel. but now that i did i hope you have some fun.. the little button is right down there.. it says 'thoughts.' that's the word you need to click on to make fun of me. 9 criticize my thoughts

Wed. 02/25 · · 11:47pm yeah.. so, i'm back. and i missed my computer like fucking crazy. so much fucking shit has went on.. since my last entry.. friendships have been fucked up then rebuilt.. relationships have been fucked up and rebuilt then refucked up.. now somewhat rebuilt.. i've been getting drunk alot lately.. i'm closer with kristen then ever.. she knows what i mean.. i saw kayla fight mctague.. i don't care if you feel the need to comment in my journal like you did in others.. but i think that kayla won.. definatly.. and i'm proud of her.. you can say that she didn't win all you want.. but i was there.. and i saw it.. kayla won.. end of story. stop bitching about it. i miss caitlyn so fucking much.. caitlyn, my love is like whoa.. i miss you more than i miss spunky.. well maybe about the same.. i don't miss anything more than spunky lol.. no offense.. i've been fighting with my mom/brother so much lately.. i'm 'out of control' supposedly.. fuck that. yeah.. so.. my life, is fucked up. i'm either way too hyper or way too mellow/lazy. i'm either way too happy or way too depressed. i'm either way too drunk/stoned or way too sober. i'm either way too put together or i'm falling apart. i'm either laughing, crying, bitching, not talking, stoned, drunk, or unconscious. nothing makes sense anymore. it's as if i'm in a movie like memento. nothing makes sense, and everythings out of order. i'm always wondering what the fuck is going on, i'm always wondering what's going to happen next. sure, it all comes together in the end. in the end it will all make sense. or is that just a theory devoloped by a director? or is it real? in the end of this movie of my life, will everything be peiced together? in the end will i sit back and sigh, now knowing what has just happened through my whole life? and why what happened at what times? or will i never understand any of the scenes? yeah.. so my way of thinking is fucked up.. so shoot me. 8 criticize my thoughts

Sun. 02/08 · · 11:36pm mood · lonely music · jet - look what you've done first.. ·first best friend: megan something ·first car: no car ·first date: micheal greenfield, preschool. ·first real kiss: can't be said. ·first break-up: chris lutinski ·first screen name: erinski311 ·first self purchased album: don't remember. ·first funeral: don't remember. ·first pets: white foot<3 how i miss thee. ·first piercing/tattoo: pierced my ears. ·first credit card: two winters ago.. i miss it. ·first love: tom f'n iveson. ·first enemy: don't remember. ·first big trip: florida when i was like 6 last.. ·last cigarette: currently smoking one. ·last car ride: about an hour ago. ·last kiss: about an hour ago. ·last good cry: haven't cried in a long time. ·last library book checked out: ..? ·last movie seen: something with mexico and a fake arm lol.. holli knows what i'm talking about.. i can't remember the name though. ·last beverage drank: pepsi cola. ·last food consumed: wing sauce.. is that a food? ·last crush: i suppose tom would be the last person i was 'crushed' by. ·last phone call: tom ·last time showered: this morning. ·last shoes worn: my green reeboks. ·last cd played: kev's mixed cd played in eric's car this afternoon. ·last item bought: cigarettes. ·last annoyance: bitching, drama, my family. ·last disappointment: a few phone calls about a half hour ago. ·last time wanting to die: i'm currently wishing that. ·last time scolded: scolded..? no. ·last shirt worn: the orange one that jeff told me to wear today. ·last website visited: steph's journal where i stole this survey from yeah.. so.. life, it sucks. fuck it. fuck it all. fuck everything. fuck you. fuck this godforsaken valley. fuck that i can't fucking find my fucking lighter. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck it. fuck life. 3 criticize my thoughts

Thu. 02/05 · · 04:48pm i'm in love with jen blight.. more then caitlyn phillips and kayla williams combined!! ahhh i love kayla williams!!!!!!!! caitlyn phillips.. no comment.. she's mean. goob is sexy.. he loves the reefer.. he's high.. wow his cologne is so strong. love is an excuse to get hurt and to hurt do you like to hurt? i do! i do! then hurt me. ahhh i'm so fucking bored.. this is all good bye.. i shall miss you all. 3 criticize my thoughts

Sun. 01/18 · · 01:53pm i was looking through my purse and i heard angelina scream.. i looked up and we were swerving and sliding on ice.. i held onto the stuff around me.. we hit the gaurd rail on my side.. my face cracked off the windshield.. we spun in a complete circle.. half way through the spinning, my door opened somehow.. we flew out and slid backwards on the interstate for about 50 or 60 feet away from the car. so much happened so fast. we both layed on the road for a few seconds.. if there were cars coming from either direction we would have both been dead. if that guard rail didn't stay up, we would have both been dead. when i got up i didn't even know what had happened i just wanted to find angelina, once i found her we hugged eachother and started to cry i put both of my hands over my face to wipe away the tears. when i pulled my hands away from my face my hands and my arms were drenched with blood. i started looking at my body.. my clothes were ripped and covered in blood i was walking with a limp.. the hair from my head was hanging from my arms, it stuck there from all the blood. i ran in front of a truck and put up my arms. when they stopped, i told them to call an ambulance. i still couldn't feel any pain.. they asked us if we came from that car up ahead. i looked to where they were pointing and the car was so far away and seeing all the damage was when it all started to sink in what had just happened.. i sat down in the grass shaking so hard.. the guy from the truck told us the cops were on their way right now so angelina went back to the car and got rid of the pipes. for your information we were not under the infulence of any substance during the accident.. i don't give a fuck if you don't believe me because most people dont. but we were both completely sober during all of this. it seemed like hours until the ambulance came. i was so fucking cold and they seperated angelina from me.. i just wanted to talk to her and make sure she was okay but i couldn't walk over to where she was. the ambulance finally came.. they put me on a board and in a neck brace then cut off all my clothes. i went into shock in the ambulance. staring at the lights on the ceiling feeling the needles and the blood dripping from my body.. i still couldn't stop shaking.. i still haven't stopped shaking. i didn't feel any pain until the hospital. but it didn't matter to me.. all i wanted to know was where they brought angelina and they wouldn't tell me if she was okay and they wouldn't let me see her.. my mom got caught in a traffic jam that was caused from our accident.. she didn't get there until 2 hours after i got there. i was shaking so hard and all i could do was look straight up at the ceiling. everybody kept on asking me questions but i couldn't move my mouth to respond. the bridge of my nose was smashed downward so i'm going on wednesday to get plates and wires put into my face to rebuild my nose. i have 4 stitches in my forehead, 2 on the backside of my right hand, 3 on the palm of my left hand, four on my left knee and my back is just completely destroyed from sliding on the street for so long going so fast.. so i look like an actual monster and i feel like complete and total shit.. which seems to amuse some of you. i don't get how some people could fucking laugh. i just don't fucking get it.. and the comments that some people make.. what the fuck is with the people in our school? people are laughing at me.. oh and this one i loved 'i liked angelina.' fuck you bitch. i'm sure you know who you are if you're reading this. angelina, kristen, caitlyn, holli, kayla, jeff, jen and chud: you have no idea how happy you have made me before kristen, caitlyn, holli, jen and chud came to see me i wanted to die.. they made me smile for the first time. they made me laugh. they made me forget what i looked like and what i felt like. my flowers are beautiful and i love spunky davis and especially chuddles<3. all the candy and pink lemonade are gone and i loved them too. kayla, i love you so much for talking to me and telling me the truth when everybody else lied. i love you for talking to me and actually knowing what was going on.. and knowing what i felt like. jeff has been calling me like every hour even when he's out making sure that i'm alright and trying to cheer me up.. i still won't let him see me like this which is upsetting him. but he's coming to see me on friday. he's been so amazing. i cannot even express how much love i have for kristen.. she is the best friend that anybody could ask for she's here for me all the time and i love her so much. she tells me that i'm beautiful even when she knows i'm not and she's just such a wonderful person.. i love her so much. i am so happy to still have angelina. you don't even know.. she is so fucking amazing and if i lost her i don't know what i would do.. i love her so much. 23 criticize my thoughts

Wed. 01/07 · · 03:51pm i haven't updated because of groundation. most of you know why i've been grounded. nothing has really been going on lately. peg's gone crazy with calling cops on me, which sucks. she wants to send me to clearbrook. she says i have 'a mental addiction to marijuana' fuck that.. i don't even smoke pot. parents are gay. today was my last day of in-school. finally.. i've been dying in there. mr. moran told me today that the point of in-school is mental torture.. what an asshole. i'm going out with jeff again as of last saturday. if my family finds this out they'll disown me. my mom and my brother hate him with a passion. peggy told him to never call my house again lol i've got nothing to type about. i'll update next time i can get on the computer. it may not be for a while. stop with the anonymous commenting. i don't care what you say, just post it with your name. 21 criticize my thoughts

Sat. 12/20 · · 08:58pm tom wants me to update my journal so he can read about my life lol.. i'm grounded.. again. i need to be a better kid. caitlyn is also grounded.. but she's grounded for the rest of her life.. she skipped and he dad found out then he called the cops on her.. there were 3 swoyersville, 2 forty fort, 2 kingston, and 2 plymouth cops looking for her. the swoyersville cops came to my house because they thought we were here.. my mom was upstairs and thought it was the crazy neighbor knocking so she didn't answer the door.. so the cops heard the tv on and somebody walking around upstairs.. so they took it upon themselves to walk into my house and go upstairs only to scare the shit out of peggy. then officer christian, the biggest dick of all time, starts asking questions about me saying that i'm a bad kid and shit. fuck him he's an asshole. i'm not a bad kid at all.. i think i'm a good kid. it just seems like every time caitlyn and i get into trouble officer christian is always there. sure i may have gotten in his face and starting screaming at him that he had no right to be in caitlyn's house.. but that's no reason at all to hate me, right? this is caitlyn's like 15th incident with that fucker.. poor caitlyn. i got to see her today.. i think her dad doesn't hate me as much anymore.. he didn't even grunt when he let me in.. i've been bumped down to the #2 position on his hate list.. mike made it to #1.. mike loves him though.. i wonder why mark hates him so much.. hm.. i have absolutly nothing at all to write about.. my life is boring.. i'm babbeling about nothing.. so i'm going to stop typing now.. byebye. 19 criticize my thoughts

Sun. 12/07 · · 12:54pm i'm grounded.. i hate being grounded.. i skipped detention, got out of school suspension, and two in school letters came home.. all in the same like 3 hours this happened.. but i wasn't home for it.. so when i called to check in and realized how much trouble i was in at like 4 on wednesday i decided not to come home for a while.. so i got home after 11 and my mom flipped out on me.. it sucked.. oh well.. tom and i were going back out for like a week.. notice the word were. i broke up with him on friday.. things just got weird and he was still always going over jess's house and shit.. so i dunno.. friday night tj and shrek come over.. then kev called and i told him to come over.. he came and brought steve.. we just sat in my living room and ate pizza.. then they got kicked out by alan when he came home.. and he said that i wasn't allowed to leave.. after they left alan said i could go out.. so i was talking to kristen and i got another call and it was goob.. so he picked me up then we went to get kristen.. we just drove around for a while then i came back to my house and slept.. saturday i went christmas shopping with my mom all day.. it was pretty boring but i got to pick out alot of clothes that she got me for christmas.. i got so much shit.. including another coat.. i'm not sure why i got another one.. seeing as i have too many coats.. oh well.. i'm just sitting here bored now.. there's nothing else to write about.. so i'll update another day. 9 criticize my thoughts

Sun. 11/30 · · 11:22am friday i had kayla, kev, jj, and tj over.. they ate all of my food and trashed my house.. then i stayed over kayla's.. saturday tom broke up with me then me and kayla went to pizza lovin' to meet up with tj, ty, shrek, jj, and aj.. after that kayla got picked up and we left a little while later.. we went to adam's house.. he had a buncha people over.. then i found out that tom had cheated on me the night before.. that's grand.. i walked home around 11.. it was so cold.. i got home and ate so much food.. then talked to tom on the phone until pretty late.. i woke up really early for some reason today.. it sucks.. i'm still more than half asleep.. there's nothing else to write about.. i just don't like to neglect my journal.. so i'll update another day. 18 criticize my thoughts

Thu. 11/27 · · 11:00pm last weekend was amazing.. friday i stayed over caitlyn's.. got a leg injury and ripped jeans.. which sucked.. but the night was fun.. i tried out some pressure points on marki but they didn't work.. saturday was the best day of my life.. in the morning me and caitlyn were at the mall for about 6 hours lol.. and there was nothing up there that tom would like for his birthday.. so we went back to my house to get ready for the show.. which was fucking amazing.. when we got there we met up with nate ty and ellis.. first two bands sucked.. anthony's girlfriend was there and gave bitchiness to me and caitlyn.. we went up to the balcony after loosing caitlyn and ellis.. we found caitlyn but ellis was still gone.. piebald was fucking amazing.. i look down into the crowd and see nate crowd surfing.. then he got ripped down by the security guards and got kicked out.. i've never seen him that happy.. after he got kicked out he snuck back in with taking back sunday.. who were fucking amazing live.. i hadn't listened to them in like a year so i didn't think i'd even remember them that much.. then all of a sudden i was standing on a chair screaming all the lyrics.. oh god adam played your own disaster.. i almost died.. i'm so in love with him.. the show was actually the highlight of my life.. sunday was tom's birthday.. i had to clean and shit then i hung out with him.. it was pretty boring.. monday i got in trouble for skipping.. can't really put the details of that day since i suspect that mother still reads my journal.. tuesday was average.. wednsday i walked around p-town with caitlyn because we had detention and couldn't get a ride home until 5.. we walked to josh's house to see matt but they weren't there.. i heard he was staying there and started like running to josh's house lol.. but i guess i won't get to see him since he's going home tomorrow.. i miss matt so much.. he was at the talent show but i wasn't allowed to go cause of monday.. oh well.. today i ate way too much and i may explode.. but it's alright because the food was soo good.. i don't have anything else to write about.. perhaps i'll update soon.. i doubt it though.. i neglect my journal.. it's ever so sad. 2 criticize my thoughts

Sat. 11/15 · · 07:10pm just a quick update to say that life is amazing.. i've had alot of fun lately.. and i've done alot of stupid shit but haven't gotten grounded for any of it.. not even my report card which was horrible.. i was thinking about the summer alot today and i miss it so much.. even summer school.. well not really summer school.. but i miss the rides home from summer school with chud lol.. and i miss kristen soo much.. i never see her outside of school anymore and it saddens me.. i also miss kayla even though i just saw her like last weekend and i miss the nights at the forty fort park and the whole forty fort park group.. then i started thinking about two summers ago and how much i miss mary pat, nate, pat, zach, and my old house/neighborhood.. ah the memories.. okay i'm babbeling now so i'll stop.. caitlyn's grounded yet again.. i've gotta straighten that girl out lol.. although she was such a good girl before she met me and she'd probably be a better person without me.. but she wouldn't have as much fun lol.. i'm so bored.. last night i hung out with tom and tonight i'm doing the same.. i'm with him constantly.. it's kind of like he lives at my house now which is kind of odd but i'm adjusting to it.. i made a new layout which i enjoy.. i'm ever so bored and i have nothing to write about.. just thought i needed to update since i haven't in so long.. i'm gunna go do caitlyn's journal now so byebye. 9 criticize my thoughts

Sat. 11/01 · · 02:34pm i haven't updated in a while.. this is what's been going on.. last weekend.. on friday i went to the movies with tom and after we went to see rigle at pizza lovin'.. tom chopped celery and played with knives and rigle made me mozzerella sticks.. then on saturday i went to hershey park with danielle and caitlyn.. it was the most fun i've had in a long time.. we took pictures so i'll post some of them when they're developed.. not all of them though.. there's some in the van of me and caitlyn that i'm not sure everyone should see lol.. the rest of the weekend i don't remember.. i can't think back that far.. the week kinda sucked.. everyone knows why.. i'm going out with tom again though.. yesterday i went out to eat with amanda and mary pat at dagwoods.. there were these little kids that live on my old street.. i remember them from when i was little.. i remembered the one kid being born.. he got kind of creeped out when i told him that though.. oh well. then we went to amanda's and they dressed me up as a prostitute lol.. i was walking home and i stopped at caitlyn's.. she told me tom was looking for me all day and he took off work to see me.. so i called him and he came and got me then we went to the game but left early and went to see rigle at pizza lovin'.. he gave me pizza with too much excess cheese.. then we went to anthony's and i played icic with grahm and some lady i didn't know.. we came to my house but i was locked out so we went to get the key from my mom.. and then we came back and unlocked the door for alan then went back to pizza lovin' then we left and sat in a parking lot for a little bit.. today i'm grounded but my mom's going to a concert in jersey.. so i'm gunna hang out with tom later.. don't you all love the comments i'm getting? it's so sad that they have nothing better to do then comment in someone's journal.. especially anonymously when they know that i log ip adresses.. its says it right on the posting page.. so i know who it is.. when they think i don't lol.. oh well i don't care.. there's nothin else to write about.. so i'll update another day. 3 criticize my thoughts

Thu. 10/23 · · 12:47pm i don't really have anything to write about.. friday i went to the movies.. we had to sneak it cause it was sold out.. there was only one seat left so danielle got it and i had to share a seat with dave.. there were what he calls 'claw marks' in his hands from me squeezing him so hard.. it was so scary though.. and his hands were just there.. did he expect me not to squeeze the life out of them everytime a guy with a chainsaw popped out? lol.. we went to mcdonalds then me tom anthony rob and marcy drove around trying to think of somewhere to go.. we ended up at anthony's then i came home at like 10:30.. tom stayed til like 11 and then i went over to marcy's with mike.. i got home pretty late and then ate like 20 sandwiches lol.. saturday i was with tom anthony and jenn all day.. same thing with sunday and monday.. but on monday i had to go home at like 6 cause my mom's a bitch.. i was grounded on tuesday.. yesterday tom took me and caitlyn to pq then dropped us off at caitlyn's house.. we were there for a while and then we were gunna go over jeff's but caitlyn couldn't go cause she had to watch her sisters.. so i went over to jeff's.. it was soo cold and i had to walk so far.. while i was there tom called being a dick and he kept hanging up on me.. i don't understand guys i really don't.. he's not speaking to me now.. it's ridiculous.. why am i not allowed to be over a guys house? he knows that i would never cheat on him yet he still has no trust for me.. i just wish he would trust me.. but i guess that will never happen.. i'm home today because i never woke up.. my mom's pissed at me.. but oh well.. i'm glad i didn't go to school today even though that means i can't go out tonight.. i really needed sleep. i just found out something very sad.. two days ago elliott smith stabbed himself.. this makes me extremely sad.. i loved him. 22 criticize my thoughts

Mon. 10/13 · · 01:45pm i redid my journal.. i know.. it's very boring.. i didn't have any ideas though so i just made two contrasting backgrounds.. the last two days have been so much fun.. i'll tell you about them but i have a feeling this is going to be a really long entry.. so i apoligize if you have to read too much.. saturday i sat around all day watching lifetime movies and cleaning and shit and then at like 9 danielle's mom picked me up and me danielle and caitlyn went up to the haunted woods.. it was so fucking scary.. if anyone disagrees with me there's something you should know about me.. haunted houses and shit scare the shit out of me.. i actually cried in the knoebel's haunted house lol.. i know i'm pathetic.. the walk to find this place was so much fun.. the word of the night was ow!! seeing as some creepy guy was stalking us and kept screaming it lol.. then waiting in line was amazing.. we did the booga-wooga dance and made the guy in front of us hate us with a passion seeing as we were singing haha.. it was so much fun though.. but when we went into the place we got like 5 feet in and there's this guy like "get out.. turn back.. save yourself.. don't say i didn't warn you....." and he was like this dead guy hanging on a rope.. so we went up to him and said 'stop being scary for a minute' and asked him a buncha questions about what was inside.. he was really nice.. and then when he told us what was inside we all flipped out and tried turning around.. then this other group of like 40 year olds came along and was like oo you can come with us if you're scared.. so then we started to walk and this fucking thing started crawling around.. the only way to describe it is an anamorph!!! haha.. danielle told him she would "jack his shit up" hahaha.. so then we screamed and tried running the other way towards the entrance lol.. then the dead guy told us that he'd walk through with us and tell us when something scary was coming.. so then we're going through and it was so fucking scary woww.. even when we knew what was coming lol.. then there was this fucking bitch.. grr i wanted to hit her so fucking bad.. she comes up and she wasn't scary at all.. she had on a black hood and too much eyeliner.. and she gets so fucking close to caitlyn's face.. their noses were practically touching.. and she just looked like such a freak.. i though she was gunna kiss caitlyn haha.. then she comes over and starts getting all close to me.. and the one thing that makes me go insane is people getting really close to me.. not all people.. just people i don't know and my mom.. and then i start screaming get the fuck away from me.. and she was like "oo it's a haunted house ya know" in this fucking retarted voice.. and then i flipped out on her and started mocking her and she just kept on following me as i walked really really really really close to me.. you have no idea how much i wanted to fucking hit her.. wow she was driving me crazy.. wow i flipped out on her lol.. then there was all this shit that just scared the shit out of us so we started screaming okay we're going home now.. and then we were trying to turn around and this girl is still fucking following me.. and then this huge black guy pops out of a bush and is like oo you ladies scurred?? lol it was so funny.. and then we just kind of looked shocked and it was obvious that we were thinking about why he would be in a bush.. and then he's like no it's okay it's okay i'm a security guard.. so it's a good thing that i didn't hit that girl.. cause there was security all around us.. and then the guy walked us out of the haunted house like around all the scary shit.. and then we got out and started running up this hill and talking about how all of us are going to die.. cause it was the perfect scary movie scenerio.. we just escaped the people who wanted to kill us in the woods and now we're on a barren street with no one around in complete darkness.. lol i didn't get much sleep that night.. that was such an amazing night.. wow i had sooo much fun. sunday sunday amanda called me and woke me up and then i went over to her house.. we bought mary pat birthday presents and then went over mary pats.. we went to eat at antonio's pizza.. then we went to amanda's.. we sat around for a while then we went to eat again at goldstein's.. then we went back to amanda's got ready for like an hour cause we were supposed to go to the movies.. then we were walking down market street and this amazingly hot guy drove by so then for some reason mary pat started to call him over.. then he came back and we were talking to him for so long about everything.. we gave him amanda's cell phone number and he was going to call us to hang out later.. he was beautiful lol.. then i called my mom and asked her if i could stay over amanda's.. she said yeah and then she changed her mind.. so then i got into a fight with her on the phone.. i flipped out on her told her i wasn't coming home and hung up on her.. she left messages on amanda's phone but i told her not to pick up for my mom.. so then we went to bk and my mom shows up.. so i went with her.. go into a big fight with her.. and then i find out that right after i left that guy called amanda's cell phone and came and picked them up.. so if my mom came like 10 minutes later i would have already been gone.. dammit i hate her with a passion. wow that was so much longer than i thought it would be lol.. i need to go down to pq so i'll update another day. 6 criticize my thoughts

Sat. 10/11 · · 12:21am today i took tom's bus home and went to pq with caitlyn then walked home.. i sat home for a while then i went to the football game.. it was alright i guess.. i've been to better though.. after the game we went to mcdonalds and i got to wear lard's belt.. i love that belt.. he made me give it back though.. i already miss it.. nothing is really going on in my life.. school is boring.. today was the first day i was in school for a week.. monday/tuesday i was home dying and wednesday/thursday i was in in-school which was oo so much fun.. i got to sleep alot though so that's good i guess. here's a survey.. i'm really really bored so there's nothing better to do but fill out this dumb shit.. ... m e ... .x. [my name is] erin .x. [in the morning i am] dead .x. [all i need is] bagel bites .x. [love is] something i've never felt .x. [im afraid of] falling, the dark, dying, living, spiders, bees, snakes, way too many other things. .x. [i dream about] being in a car alone then rolling away from a gas station in the desert and falling off a cliff.. i have repetitive dreams. ... t h e - l a s t ... .x. [movie you rented] fast times at richmont high, chicago, and that one about dr. satan that i can't think of the name right now.. it was over caitlyn's mom-mom's house.. good times. .x. [movie you bought] i dont remember .x. [song you listened to] commander venus - the role of the hero in antiquity .x. [song that was stuck in your head] pink floyd - comfortably numb.. derrick was singing it all during chem.. which was 2 hours long today.. so it got stuck in my head for a while. .x. [song you've downloaded] plain white t's - what if .x. [cd you bought] i haven't bought a cd in soo long.. i'm addicted to kazaa .x. [cd you listened to] oasis - morning glory .x. [person you've called] caitlyn .x. [person that's called you] jeff .x. [tv show you've watched] sister sister .x. [person you were thinking of] the tree hugger.. today i remembered an amazing thing that happened with him and someone else near goldstein's a while ago and now i keep thinking about it.. i miss those days.. ... d o ... .x. [you wish you could live somewhere else] i wish i could live anywhere but this god forsaken valley .x. [you think about suicide] not really .x. [others find you attractive] hell no .x. [you want more piercings] yeah .x. [you drink] yeah .x. [you do drugs] occasionally .x. [you smoke] yeah .x. [you like cleaning] no .x. [you like roller coasters] yeah i love them .x. [you write in cursive or print] print .x. [you like to cook] not really cook.. i like to bake .x. [you have a secret you have not shared with anyone] yeah.. too many secrets .x. [you talk in your sleep] i've been told i do .x. [you set your watch a few minutes ahead] my alarm clock is 45 minutes fast .x. [you believe in love] i'm undecided on that one .x. [you believe in god] no ... h a v e - y o u - e v e r ... .x. [been in love] no .x. [had sex] no .x. [cried when someone died] yeah .x. [lied] way too many times .x. [fallen for your best friend] oo yeah.. .x. [been rejected] yeah .x. [rejected someone] yeah .x. [used someone] no .x. [been cheated on] yeah .x. [done something you regret] yeah ... n u m b e r ... .x. [of times i have had my heart broken] once .x. [of hearts i have broken] none .x. [of boys i have kissed] sorry i don't count.. .x. [of girls i have kissed] none .x. [of drugs taken illegally] um.. 3 or 4? .x. [of close friends] 5 .x. [of cd's that i own] too many .x. [of scars on my body] too many .x. [of things in my past that i regret] too many 3 criticize my thoughts

Mon. 10/06 · · 10:10pm so what do you think of my new background? haha i'm making a whole new layout.. but until it's done i needed a change.. so this will be up for a little bit.. i'm still really sick.. i didn't go to school today and i don't think i'm going tomorrow.. i guess it depends on how i feel in the morning.. i'm officially off groundation.. that makes me happy.. i have to go.. mother wants to go online.. i'll update tomorrow. 3 criticize my thoughts

Sat. 10/04 · · 08:12am i'm grounded for so long.. i always get in trouble for stupid shit and it's like one day of groundation and i end up out anyway.. but now like 15 things that i've done wrong are just piling up.. all this shit happened and i'm probably not going to be updating for a while since i've lost all of my privilages.. i have no computer.. i'm only on now because my mom is sleeping.. i have no phone.. i don't know what i'm going to do without talking to jeff everynight until like 5 in the morning.. i'm going to be so lonely.. and i have no leaving the house other than for school.. which i was going to go out today anyway cause it's my mom's birthday and her friends are going to have her out all day and all night.. but i got alan's illness so it looks like i'm gunna be in all night.. i feel so fucking sick i think i'm dying.. i fell asleep at like 6 last night and just woke up.. so now i can't fall back asleep so i have to deal with being sick.. it fucking sucks yesterday was a bad day.. i thought i had detention and my mom was being a phsyco bitch so i would have had to walk home in the coldness.. so i asked jeff and caitlyn to wait until i got out of detention then we'd walk home.. we did it one day last year for jeff and it was fun.. but yesterday was just badness.. i didn't even have detention.. for some reason i wasn't on the list even though i was supposed to have it.. so then me caitlyn jeff and mike walked around then went to mike's.. while walking around i got the shit beaten out of me so many times by caitlyn mike and jeff.. i fell so many times.. and i attacked caitlyn cause she threw a tape at me and it hit me in the eye.. it was so painful.. and then i fell on the same knee like 20 times because mike's a dick and won't realize that i cannot give him a piggy back ride.. wow you should see the bruise on my knee from falling on it so many times.. it's so big.. but the day was still kinda fun.. but very tiring and hurtful. in other news.. i have in-school until wednesday! i got put in there yesterday after lunch.. i don't really even know what i did wrong.. i just remember dereamer, whalen, and pierson standing around me yelling at me.. i was so confused.. but today was jeff's last day of in-school so on monday i'll be with adam, raven, and coulter.. but then tuesday and wednesday i'm going to be all alone.. oh well.. better than going to classes i suppose.. i talked to kayla for a couple minutes the other day.. i guess we're okay now but i don't really know.. i don't even remember why we weren't talking.. there's nothing else to write about so i'll update next time i get a chance to.. it might not be for a while. 6 criticize my thoughts

Mon. 09/29 · · 06:54pm my weekend was amazing.. saturday was the best.. i'm in love with raven.. sitting on her bedroom floor drinking the night away haha.. good times.. sunday sucked because tom had people call me to break up with me.. i talked to him about shit and we're still going out but people are telling me all this shit that he was saying and he's denying it all.. i don't know who to believe.. he got pissed at me because i thought he was lying to me.. maybe i should believe him but something's telling me not to.. i'm friends with caitlyn again which makes me that happiest girl in the world.. i was in her room on sunday and it freaked me out.. the pictures of us were taken down.. i didn't like that feeling.. i was supposed to walk to pq with her today but i'm grounded because i haven't made the bus in 5 days.. i don't see the point in grounding me though.. how is that going to make me get up earlier? my mother's insane.. i changed the colors of my journal.. what do you think? i'm going to eat dinner so that's all for today. 2 criticize my thoughts

Mon. 09/22 · · 06:32pm i was on the phone with jeff last night and i was looking up at my picture wall thing and babbeling on about how much i miss caitlyn to him.. and then i turned on the radio.. right as i turned it on simple plan, adicted comes on.. next was right thurr then it was jenifer lopez, baby i love you.. the three songs that remind me of caitlyn soo much.. i miss her like craziness.. my life is incomplete without my love caitlyn phillips.. i don't know if she still wants to be friends with me anymore.. i dunno.. i guess i'll just hafta wait and see what happens. my weekend.. friday.. after school i went with tom.. i really don't remember much of friday.. i know that we went to his house for a little bit and later on we went to the mazza/pat fight.. it started at forty fort park then it went to gateway then it went to hamilton.. it was pretty intresting.. then the cops came.. what kind of fucking dumb ass cop would say over the speaker thing.. "get into your cars and drive away.. if you are caught in kingston you will recieve a citation." then a minute later as everybody's running from the cops he says "you can run.. but you cannot hide" even though he just told us to run pretty much.. i dunno.. britany wasn't going to run but then when everybody else started i screamed britney fucking run.. so we did.. as we were running tom bowman was infront of us, got tripped, rolled on the ground four times, then got back up and continued running.. it was hilarious.. then we went to justin's then over anthony's.. i got a ride home at like 1 then slept saturday.. didn't really do anything during the day.. i went to rack'm and beat jeff at pool.. i am amazing.. at night i went to the football game with tom.. he got pissed at me during the game for something stupid.. i talked for caitlyn for about two minutes and then tom came over and we started talking about why he was mad at me and shit then we left.. we went to mcdonalds then i came home.. and got in a fight with eric.. we're done now.. it's not even going to be like our usual fights.. it's over with me and eric ..so at like 2 amanda called me.. this kid i didn't know came and picked me up and we went over to annie's.. it was kinda boring.. i was half asleep the whole time and we watched save the last dance like 3 times.. i got home at like 5 and went right to sleep sunday.. didn't do much.. very tired all day.. i went to the movies with tom, jeff, knelly, knelly's girlfriend and her two friends.. we saw cold creek manor.. horrible movie.. we wanted to see cabin fever but for some reason we didn't.. tom and i just talked about stupid shit the whole time.. like baxter shirts, swimming horses, and snake slapping.. i can't wait until i get my baxter shirt today.. went to tom's after school then went to rack'm then went to tom's again then came home.. waiting for my dinner cause i'm starving.. that's all for today because i'm so fucking tired of typing.. oh did you hear.. today is that last day of summer!! dammit i miss the summer.. i love the fall but then winter comes right after.. winter is hell.. i hate cold and snow and all of that.. it sucks. 6 criticize my thoughts

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