| X-posted, because i wanted us all to know. |
[06 Sep 2004|12:39am] |
I dont think i have ever known when I am truly at my best. I want to sit alone and sip hot cocoa on the hottest day in the middle of august wearing fuzzy slippers and a hoodie, while my hair is all gussied up and my face is dull and lifeless, a blank slate or better yet, canvas, ready for this world to paint on, all because as a matter of factly.. i can?
I want to hold hands with people who's hands arent welcoming, so I can share the warmth of a good joke or memory.
I actually want to jump out of a plane, no parachute and with no explanation. I will fabricate this story into fruition ofcourse. i will speak of the wind in my hair and the tears in my eyes, placed there by the soggy cotton clouds, speeds so fast that I cut straight through, the shape of my body cut through them like sugar cookies, and by the grace of everything I believed in, I landed softly, on a patch of grass just wide enough for me. While all the while, the plane never left the ground.
I want to cry, not for or because of you. But because the weight has been lifted and I can breath the life back into myself.. by myself.
I want to close my eyes and mind from the world around me, nothing will bother or stir me. Because I can not let it because it does not exhist. Just for a second.
Lets make snow angels in april, when the grass is fresh and the leaves are green. White linen pants stained with that green colour of happiness.
I want to walk around with a piece of straw, dangling from my lips, attempting to talk and attempting to be understood at the same time. All while understanding that simplicity is beautiful.
Simplicity is beautiful.
I am beautiful.
we are beautiful.
always
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| xposted |
[03 Aug 2004|07:22pm] |
FUCK YOU
and those words that you wrote to me
cast to paper and cardstock placed so lovely
centers torn out, all because the pasts love was there before me.
One more try, thats all I have left in me.
No one else can ever meet the standards that were set by your false kisses and elevator lashes.
Creases in my skin drenched with your racy fingertip traced hearts.
Perched on the ladder that led to the treehouse in that weeping willow tree
Only fuckin thing weeping is me
Soggy and lifeless
Like an alley cat after the rain.
How much would it take for you to once again utter my name
Under your breath freedom was born
Poetry books torn and thrown to the floor
I had no reason to write how I had before.
Love was real and it was mine.
four letter words and romantic notions
You were my personal southern california love potion
My personal piece of home.
Maybe thats what made me fall so hard.
You were the only thing of farmiliarity.
Even if you did drive a fucked up chevy and were too tall for words.
I loved every last flaw.
Height and sight, i took it all.
Is it even worth these words, pressed plastic keys with wire springs.
Yr goddamn right.
Love stings.
B r o k e n a l p h a b e t s.
because those letters strung together, dont mean a fuckin thing.
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| For you, from me, still us. |
[03 Jul 2004|09:44pm] |
Dearest Tori J. Roberts,
It was great to hear from you again, and I hope you read this some time before you leave to Reno. (why you are leaving me and this wallowy state of cold and death I am still to find out). I have been doing fine, however I have had my fallbacks as I am sure you have read amoungst these pages of our digital worlds. I too have soooo much to tell you but feel we have soo little time. So much has changed for me and the way I am and think and act. Although, comically, i can probably make you laugh out loud constantly, if not more. Do you know what I want more than anything? To hear you laugh. I've missed that soo much, more than one can ever imagine missing anything. I have that book still, and I want to send you yours, as a reflection, one that isnt cast in yellowish gold by gazing upon it. All my contact information is on my info page..
AIM= SugarLacedBullet
Email= Cliche@brokenalphabet.com
Just incase you are too lazy to look. IM me and we will exchange phone numbers. I miss you ToRI.
oxox-
Rubie
backwards and lowercased, still for you.
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[27 Jun 2004|10:33pm] |
Fill this out in a comment..
Dear Rubie,
You are really _____. You should _____. We need to go _____. After that we can _____ because I wanna____with you. Remember that time we _____? That was so _____. Maybe tomorrow we can _____. You are my _____. i _____ you!
Love, _______
P.S. _____.
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| Asthetics please me. |
[27 Jun 2004|11:06am] |
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I changed my layout. Check it out, tell me what you think ♥
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| She burns slowly like a cigarette lit with butane and a dream.. the wick, to be found |
[21 Jun 2004|08:53pm] |
I confess
thats it
Im through with hiding these silly truths from myself
Everyone else sees it
You are now miles upon miles away
I can not reach out and trace the arch of your lips
I can not trace lovely words in the palm of your hand
You were so close at one time
The curl of your lashes and the depth of your eyes only the blink of an eye and the push of a button away
Your thursday hoodie now remains lifeless and shapeless because it has been unworn since january.
The hanger lines that broke the shoulders in are thick and prominent
Like my love for you and the tears that I keep in my pocket incase you ever want them
The bend of dollar bills with our initials written on them.
We dreamed of the day we would get one back.
And we said if we did
We would be forever
No question
Like the bird that returns faithful and true
I got that fuckin dollar bill back today.
Now all I have to do is wait for you.
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| the swindler |
[05 Jun 2004|09:56pm] |
I've drawn lines upon lines forming this quaint little heart
I have been doing so for hours
the ink in my pen has run dry from use
Now all that remains is this love laced motif
So unadulterated
So unlike me or anything i have ever experienced
Tubes full of sloppy goo that erraticates all traces of soreness from fresh ink put in skin as a reminder of you
that you will always be a part of me
f o r c e d
You were the one that got away
sort of
I got to hold yr hand and give you fish lip kisses
You got to let me break your heart
and thoroughly learn the word
d i s t r u s t
I didnt do all the things i said i would
Not because i didnt want to my darling
simply because i couldnt
however not a promise i made was left undone
they were all nourished
just in an indirect way
I said i'd love you forever
(I still do)
I said I would never hurt you
(my undertone said "physically")
I said i would make you happy forever and ever
(Isn't that what memories are for?)
Now your stickers remain on my door, black and white yet words so colourful remain on my lips
Just in case we ever speak again
My eloquence isnt near what it used to be
the reason is transparent, simple, lucid
I dont have you
the biggest fan of my pretty words.
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| bettah do it |
[04 Jun 2004|09:57pm] |
I want anyone and everyone who reads this to post in here something they would LIKE to do with me SOMEDAY.
Then post this in your journal to find out what I want to do with you.
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[02 Jun 2004|11:22pm] |
Go into your journal archives.
Find your 22nd post (or closest to).
Find the 5th sentence (or closest to).
Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
May 26th 2003
my lips are cracked from traces of my tongue left on them because I was trying to taste love that was placed there long ago.
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| In the land of make believe, my heart rests with you |
[31 May 2004|11:48am] |
2 am phone calls and our late night rendevous to eachothers beds are all over and done with. The swingsets have rusted over from the mornings dew that is no longer wiped off by you so I can sit there without getting soggy. Those times were perfect. We wouldnt ever think about the world around us, everything would pause with one false kiss. I guess because I wanted romance so bad, that it never lasts for me. Like a bubble blown from those cheap plastic wands, it is born upon the lips of us and dies at the fall of our fingertips.
d o e s n' t e v e r y t h i n g?
Like the snow on a tv, my mind is slowly distorting that beautiful image to black and white, winding back to colour again, the scan lines hiding the true imperfections until eventually, the picture twirls and then breaks into millions of pieces all scrambling to find their places again but cant simply because we shut it off before it has a chance and considers it broken rather than just re adjusting the situation.
Typerwriter TATS and CLICKS
I wonder if you know that you are missed?
I have tried everything to get that picture back if even for a minute, because I havent been happy since that picture faded with the click of a phone.
Still looming from that long december that we had. Cold here Hot there, warm where we both met in the middle at those 9:01 phone calls, fingers numb from messaging eachothers personal piece of small electronic havens.
Wrapped up in your words and mine, pillow kisses and hugs, because it was all we had. Listening to you breath as sleep over came you. Waking up with slow giggles because we werent truly sure if one was awake or still
resting in our dreamworld meeting place.
Did you ever go back there just to check things out?
I did,
It looks cold and alone, like me.
I remember sitting with my back rested against the wall, knees pressed against my heart because it was the only time I felt grounded and solid, rather than letting myself float off with you where I should have been
Holding back is what did me in.
Or maybe back holding me is where you should have been
Who is really to say anymore, the pink and greys have ceased and are now red and black... like those lovely alkaline trio songs.
blasphemy.
truly.
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[25 May 2004|12:54am] |
| "ACHTUNG! | | condemned may actually be a spider-human hybrid |
From Go-Quiz.com
I have the flu, someone bring me some brocoli and cheese soup from quiznos.
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| Its the nerd in me |
[21 May 2004|11:21pm] |
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So I changed my layout and info page somewhat.. but, if anyone knows how to get rid of the LtoR scroll bar.. h e l p me please. <3. Let me know what you think.
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| Dumm de dumm dee dumm hoppi hoppi hoppi |
[19 May 2004|08:00am] |
It seems every time I update this journal, I always want to open with "Its been a while" or "I havent updated this thing in..." Maybe that means that I should post more. But no one actually reads this anymore. I work too much, and I think too much. And working+thinking=a bad combo.
Anddd I have lost it, maybe i can write tonight, because right now, im thinking too much.
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| california.. past.. present.. future |
[03 May 2004|02:21pm] |
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Just got back.. shit has changed.. got to hang with cat.. tis all.
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| Silly boys never learn |
[03 May 2004|02:14pm] |
You can not just step on my heart and expect me to pick it up carry it for you and lye it back on the ground whenever a muddy piece of concrete rests 2 feet from your precious shoes. It doesnt work that way. I don't wish to come home to sweet and gullable you, lips fresh from the kiss of another girl. I don't want to hold your hand when it has solidly been hanging on to hers, I dont want to kiss your ears, because her sour words still live in them. And I don't want an explanation, the collars of your shirts drenched in red are enough for me.
How are we still connected when I long ago drifted away from this cast off island you put me on. skipping rocks on the ocean, our names in the sand, it was all bullshit. Yr blue eyes wont burn through me anymore. They wont make my heart feel as if its been trapped in a noose made by strings of yarn laced with your fucked up french speaking phonetics.
I am not a prisoner of your fucked up disposition any more. Shot glasses tiped upside down wasting away, because I want to, not because of you. So dont take credit where it isnt due.
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| happy happy birthday |
[14 Apr 2004|07:39am] |
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| Wrote yr name on my heart with glue.. its the only way youll stick with me |
[25 Mar 2004|07:55am] |
| [ |
music |
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Park- Gasoline kisses for everyone |
] |
i think i would truly be lying to myself if i said i was completely over you. I would be lying to myself if i said i never think about you because the r e a l i t y is that you are still all i think about.
I wish often times for one more "goodnight". It has been so long since your laugh has echoed in my heart and brought me happiness.
You brought me out of the darkness, you were my light that brought me into a world i never knew. We both knew what it was like to not be wanted all the time. We found solace in eachother. Embraced the flaws altered thoughts to make them perfections. And now the light that was once comforting is here, harsh bright and white.
Photobooths that still flaunt that black and white nostalgia, those damn things make me wince. I dream of them, you, me, us, n o t h i n g.
My lips to yr cheek, your glasses tilted by the fall of my fingers, hair messy love still new.
f a u l t y.
I see you are done with anything that has to do with the unholy devlish love.
I am tired of sleeping at the edge of the bed because the middle reminds me of you.
Tshirts and dirty thoughts all melt together to make one big mess, one big blur of pain.
s e l f i n f l i c t i o n.
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| the glass gleams blue, sick from the words i love you |
[21 Mar 2004|08:46am] |
So I think this is it, I am finally over that silly black frame eye'd boy. I look at the three pictures i have left of him and his voice still echoes in my head, all the things he used to pretend say to me. Because his thoughts were never truly real. It would have been nice to rock out together homegrown/alkaline trio. Might have been the ultimate concert, too bad i dont really like HG. My table has been clear my mind is now able to breath. I still get nervous when i think of him though. What would I do if i just ran into him on the street and would i say anything at all? Probably not.
He was and will be my last great heartbreak. I am not ready for more nor will i let myself be. It has been almost three months and I am barely over it, that boy hit me hard. Asshole.
Work saves me the trouble of having to think about relationships and who i want to hold at night if anyone. Good friends and good money take the mind off of everything. Spring is almost here and 'tis the time for spring romances that turn into summer flings that turn into a cold fall. Either way you want to think of that last one, i will pass on all the nonsense and roleplay and stay standing.
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| You say I love you like it is an option. |
[03 Mar 2004|07:20pm] |
The roses have wilted and faded to an almost dead tone of red.
the same tone that once rested on my lips
and tranfered to your cheek
i n s t a n t
My fingertips are clouded with all the thoughts that run through me
What could have beens and why did it happens
j a d e d
Sticky notes on bathroom stalls
confessing our love to every full bladdered boy and girl
r e l e a s e
Hearts drawn in side walk chalk
The scars on your arm forever a reminder
e n s c r i b e
Tears dont rest upon my cheeks
but on your pockets because you saved the ones that fell into your palm
your dirty love raced palm
s a l v a t i o n
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