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Monday, June 27th, 2005

Subject: ego's drone and pose alone... Time: 11:07 am. Mood: sick.

Well I'm full blast sick now. It fucking sucks. I can't call in to work either because 1) I just got this job and 2)the person that got me sick is also a receptionist so I highly doubt there would be anyone to cover me. Yesterday was a very rough day. Austin and I had a relationship talk yesterday and it was all about when Austin and I are alone together, we're really not together. And how home doesn't feel like home anymore and how we never have conversations that aren't about trivial day to day shit. Like our friends or what happened that day. I need those deep realization and when I had one the other night I was thinking hmmmm its been along time since Austin and I have talked like this, then I realized that we never have talks like that. It sounds retarded I know even Austin said to me so you're just noticing this now. Well the answer to that is yes and no. I knew that I was missing something and when I had that conversation the other night I realized what it was. I told Austin about how much I loved him and I also told him that when I thought about the reasons behind it I love him more for the stuff that he doesn't do, as in he's not abusive not an alcoholic, not an asshole, not a crybaby stuff like that. Not that the stuff he does is bad, he's practically perfect, he takes care of me no matter what, he's really sweet to me, and I know he's always putting me first but still somehow the things that doesn't do outweigh the stuff that he does. Surprisingly when I said all that he understood completely and wasn't dicky about it at all. Itold himI wasn't sure if I wanted to get married to someone that I can't have a conversation with andhe said that he's just a quiet person, he is. Anyway I guess we're gonna work on our relationship stuff together now and if it doesn'twork out then I'm going to take a couple weeks off and reacess my situation. Find out if what I want is nessacary to the relationship (as it stands now i think it is) and what I really want. I know one thing and that is I want this to work out.

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Subject: I put a spell on you.... Time: 12:40 am. Mood: okay.

Haven't checked in for a while now. Keyboard is pretty much shot to shit the spacebar took a dump and my V key is pretty much dead also. Working at my new job is going okay. I guess retail became sort of a crutch for me so its fun learning how to be a receptionist. Everything else is going well. I think I caught a cold from my boss so I've been trying to sleep as much as possible. Which is pretty difficult because I've been an insomniac for so long. I've been working on my novel sporadically but now i think i'm gonna change it to first person so I have to go back and revise :P yuk. I don't really want to write poems anymore, after all who am I going to write them for? Austin likes it when I write for him but, I just don't know. Maybe I just don't want to admit that my love of the language that I create is dead, all those flowery sentences, blah. We had a fake spring recently andI wrote like the bastard during those 2 weeks but now winter is back in full effect and its all I can do to just workup the will to get my ass out of the house. I actually did laundry, alot of it :( . Anyway happy st. patricks day to all you mick's or to all of you that enjoy green beer. Drive safely and take off your beer goggles before you take anyone home.

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Subject: Soul Food Time: 8:44 pm.

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and creativity, and usually are highly intelligent. Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs. What Type of Soul Do You Have ? brought to you by Quizilla

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Subject: again i dreamt of manderly Time: 1:52 pm. Mood: morose.

Had a huge superbowl party yesterday and everyone showed up except for skinny but he's usually capricious with promises at best. He came over the night before and I hadn't seen him for two years. He lost a lot of weight and I told him that if he looses anymore i'm changing his nickname to chunk. I was absolutely wrecked last night, yet again and I fell asleep on the couch at around 3 in the morning. I woke up when austin got up at 4 to use the bathroom and cosidered getting my drunk ass off the couch and going to bed. I guess I didn't because next thing I knew austin came out of the bathroom and almost simultaeneously opened the bedroom door then I heard something hit the ground hard and I was scared and I called out "austin? are you okay?" and he saidy that he just knocked something over and he'd be fine so I just laid down again on the couch and tried to get back to sleep. It was really dark in the livingroom let me state this now. All the lights were off and the dvd was on its not in use screen so there was no light except for a little bit peeking through the vertical slat window covering we have. I'm trying to get back to sleep when austin comes down the hall from the bedroom walking really slow, now i'm scared because I thought oh no ever since he got into that car accident his right knee has been absolutely fucked and now he's hurt it again and we're gonna have to go to the hospital. So I start to rise up a bit to try to see how bad it is but he says "lay down Rhoda" (my real name). I sat back down and just watched him proceed towards me. A few things seemed off but i'm just like oh well he seems a bit shorter but that's because he's limping and his hair looks longer but it's just messed up from his pilliow. He makes it to me and gets down on his knees by the couch. Thats when I initially started to get scared, Austin can't go down on his right knee at all and his left one isn't much better off. I went to grab his hands to pull him up (we'd had a bad week in general relationship wise so I thought he was gonna reaffirm my love for him, which is completely unnessacary). Instead of letting me pull him up he just clutched my hands so hard they instantly got pins n' needles tingling pain (i have adult onset arthritis) I went to yank them away but it wasn't working out. I saw him smile, and a dimpled cheek rise up on his face. I knew what was coming then, I knew what that noise was, and I knew that if I was smart I'd show nothing about what I had just discovered. He leaned towards the light now and gauged my reactions. pale white skin, shaggy hair hazel eyes and only one freckle completely parralel to his dimple on the left side. I say what I can then, maybe the only option "I missed you." then he says that he misses me too but that he knows I just left new york because I needed to be in a place that didn't stifle me and that now we could leave this placeand find a nice sunny place to live. I was crying and trying to keep my head down to hide it. I knew what the noise was now and I also know that unless Chad was feeling nice Austin wouldn't even ever see outside of the bedroom alive again. So I raised my head and said "lets go chad, lets go right now" then he tighten his grip the hardest ever around my wrists and brings his mouth to mine for that dreaded evil seal the deal kiss he always had. this was the dream i had last night when I woke up I was screaming for austin in the paralyzed scared voice I have thats barely a whisper. I managed to get off the couch it was still dark and I did a quick walkthrough of the house which is empty except for blood all over in the bedroom. and that above was the dream i woke into last night. After I woke from that one I was really waking up I went to austin in the bed really scared And my hand searching out the wrist of his right had to feel his bracelet he got in africa the last time he was went to europe and the silver thumb ring I gave him a longtime ago. I told him about my dreams and he let me hold the hand with the jewelry on it just in case I had to check again during the night and I did check often. This is my normal night dreaming evil things like this or worse when i'm not having a lucid dream. My lucid dreaming kicked in after I finally went back to sleep and I dreamt of being john stamos' daughter. anyway, just a glimpse into some stuff, why i can't sleep, how much I love austin, and some reasoning in why I left new york.

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Subject: forgive me father for I have sinned against myself and against others... Time: 3:15 am. Mood: sad.

I don't know where to start, more and more it's like i'm driving an unlockable car and the wheels are falling off. When everything goes wrong it all seems to shutdown at once and more and more there is that unasked question lurking on the edges of everything:why, what does it matter, why bother, what for. It all comes down to wanting an explanation for the reasons and the seasons of my days and my ways. I'm not invisible but it feels that way. I think I made a new r/l friend his name is jim and he's great and he likes most of the things that i like and he hates everything i hate. Still no job, its hard to get ahold of lena. Still not speaking with sarajane and i don't think that besides her sometime coming to pick up her stuff that i really care if we ever speak again. I'm starting to wish i never left new york, i mean yea i might be dead now if i had stayed but maybe that was how it was supposed to be and now thats why i'm living a life in this purgatory.

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Subject: smoking cigarettes and watching kapt. kangaroo Time: 7:55 pm. Mood: aggravated.

Finally able to call Lena, we spoke for about 20 minutes on sunday then my cell phone died, gay. Anyway she might be living out here when she graduates but she is visiting for sure! yea! i need my ass a job, i really want a job at barnes and noble but we'll see what happens. My cat's are finally behaving, weird. Our playstation 2 isn't able to load anything now and we have to send it to a sony service center so we can find out whats going on and hopefully it can be fixed. At least it's free. Its gonna probably gonna be gone for over a month though which sucks because its like a dingo ate my baby when that things gone. can someone tell me when skit shows stopped being funny after snl died in the late 90's the magic is just gone, many months ago i watched snl because jack black was on (he's my fucking hero) and even he couldn't make that shit funny. I mean come on people give up the goddamn ghost already and get some new writers, you know talented ones. Perhaps they're spending all their money on all those low rent actors they somehow decided were funny. whatever i'm on a rant here, ta-ta.

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Subject: Creation cried and Mary was my mom.... Time: 6:18 am. Mood: listless.

I don't really know what to write. I'm really just waiting for saved by the bell to come on. I actually enjoyed watching sports center this morning, scary huh? I missed my friend Lena by two whole days, I guess I should check my mail more often. Lena and her boyfriend Shain are back at school and she's pushing herself to graduate in march, which I believe would be two months earlier. Hopefully after she's done with school she'll come out here to stay for a while, I really want her to. She's really the only one I care to see out of all my old friends from when I lived in new york. That includes some of my present friends as well. Sara is not talking to me and now that we haven't spoken for almost 3 weeks I don't know if I really care to be her friend anymore. I'm tired of being friends with self destructive people anyway. I'm always constantly trying to save them from themselves. It's incredibly scary to think that where ever I live I always make the same kind of friends, people who fuck absolute stranger and have absolutely no self esteem or respect for themselves, and who are constantly irresponsible. Mind you that doesn't describe all of my friends, just most. It must be my nurturing never say die attitude that makes me befriend them because god knows that people that have no self respect are horrible catty evil friends. I hate women, lol, at least in the friend capacity. Anyway ....... have a super one.

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Subject: I Got a Crime for All Seasons.... Time: 4:18 am. Mood: amused.

you are the soul of artifice, only properly reflected in frosty window panes all tear stained shoulders and kaleidoscope eyes you're wearing my disguise autumn comes and fall leaves seen it coming for a long time now my gaze caresses snowdown skin as u fall across bloodred bed spread my hesitant mouth tentatively pressed against dreams of denim lips and the taste dusty memories. when you are near you are everywhere closeness constant embraced by smoke and magic mirrors again all seasons stilled by the padded sounds of shoddy sneakers on wet cement prospects of you bring slowmotion movie moments and cold starry skies. darkness falls behind you like autumn leaves piling up against an unopened door those days long gone by building a past looked upon with half cringe grins this fire burns within me lighting the way to an escape and those long gone nights while change chooses to pass me by i sit caught in the wonder of your pale goodness and ill concealed smiles I wrote all these in autumn for people i thought were some of the best friends I could ever have, older doesn't always mean wiser and experience sometimes makes you want to turn away from the inevitable. Never failing either dying or disappointing, everyday the world turns, everyday it has ever turned those have been the only two constants. Everyone you ever love, anyone you could ever care for will either die or disappoint you, and more and more there are no patterns, only that. all that grand analyzing to come up with that remarkably unsurprising conclusion. yea i'm depressing and sad and pathetic but at the same time at this moment all I can do is be me and love being me.

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Time: 11:53 am. Mood: cynical.

Let me start out by saying happy new year everyone. Last night was great and my friends barbie and jordan were here and my sister got a little bit tipsy. Damn u demon rum. lol she looks hungover as fuck but of course she denies it like the bastard. I made some realistic resolutions, keep breathing (its the secret to living forever u know), read 50 books I haven't read before, start writing again, get a new job, and move away from here. Thats it, no weight loss goals or quit smoking goals. alright i gotta go get my hair done so i'll probably have a new pic up soon, buh bye u crazy kids.

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Subject: hope for the best, prepare for the worst.... Time: 9:30 am. Mood: cranky.

Yes of course just as I said yesterday I knew Jackie hated me. I know people, and being a woman, and having had relationships with women none of them can fool me. Men are pretty ignorant about how women really are so of course Austin (my fiancee) and marco (his dad) never saw it coming. Here's what happened we were all about to leave outback (don't worry i didn't have beef) jackie says she wants to go to the store we took them to the previous night and get an ottoman for her papasan (why she didn't get it the night before i have no idea) and they wanted to know how to get there. So austin says which way do u think it is (its a straight shot from the outback) and marco points in the wrong direction and jackie follows his lead austin laughs a minute and then we simultaneously point in the correct direction and jackie says to me "don't you have any patience rhoda?" I see whats coming so I try to concede and I say "no I don't" and she says "why" and i say "because" and then she says "thats not good enough, why?" so I say "I have foutains of patience jackie, I've used it with you before." (earlier this year when they visited she didn't like the way i posed for family photos so she grabbed my cheek hard and twisted it) and she gets pissed. She slides a napking across the table at me and it hits me so i do it back then she throws 2 napkings at me (the cloth kind if u never been to outback before) and right when i'm gonna kick her ass austin's all "come on rhoda". We get in our car and i'm mad as hell i'm smoking in the nonsmoking car and ashing in my hand and he's apologizing for her, blah blah blah. so I get home and I start crying and screaming at austin I told him it was all his fault (because he and his father were at both incidents and neither said anything to her) I told him that if he wanted to let it slide whatever but I'm not going to be humiliated by some 50 year old kid ever again whose whole attitude speaks white trash with money sans the country music. So he calls her and screams at her that now I was crying because she's a bitch and that I was taking it out on him because of her. Of course she didn't see fit to apologize just like she didn't last time. So yesterday austin's dad came over and picked up austin and my sister brandy and took them to lotr 3, (I didn't want to see it) and jackie didn't go so i guess she stayed in the hotel all night by herself crying about being called on being so damn mean. And austin did not say goodbye to her. I'm glad they're gone again, back to new york. I tried so fucking hard with her, nice, polite, all sorts of shit i usually don't go out of my way to do to impress a person i am not impressed with. At least his dad's really great, Marco is the best, he's so friendly and funny. Ok i gotta go and live in the present and not in the past, be careful tonight kiddies...

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Subject: and i think to myself what a wonderful world... Time: 9:58 am. Mood: geeky.

My fiancee's parents are in town and its actually went pretty good yesterday but today thats all gonna change because austins gonna tell them we are engaged. He's an only child and his mom well i think she hates me, she gave me my christmas presents. One of them was a biege leather set consisting of a patched poncho held together with crotchet and the bottom is lined in tassels (it also smells like the cow is came off of and the chemicals they used to treat it) to top off this mostrosity it a matching newsboy cap, sans tassels i don't believe i pretended to like it, it was so gross, they said if i didn't like it they could return it back in new york (where we all come from) and just give me the money for it. yea I don't want to know how much they spent on that thing when i really just want them to take it back when they get home and send me some flannel pajamas instead (its fucking cold in my bedroom mosttimes). I think Jackie (my fiancees mom) is gonna eat my soul once where alone after he tells her, i'm just glad i won't have to see the almost throw up look on her face when she hears it first. Their taking us out to dinner at a steakhose tonight and I told Austin and my sister not to eat the steak since it was the feed that gave the cattle mad cow disease and most of the cows up for beef production were eating that particular brand and the whole batch was contaminated. Ok i can't stress enough the importance of safety during the holiday season, most accidents can be prevented and if any of you drunk drivers read this webblog of mine and have something to say about it u can fuck off and I will ignore your ass, don't ruin the night for responsible people ringing in the new year by being a selfish jerkoff you can always drink with friends at home and there is nothing better then jumping over the alcohol poisoned bodies of your friends on the way to your bathroom the next morning, lol. everyone have a happy new year

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Subject: making the impossible possible Time: 6:46 pm. Mood: awake.

I start my new job monday and i'm still on the insomniac sleep rate so the first day is probably gonna suck. I've been an insomniac since I was 7. That was the year my mom had my little sister Brandy. My mom was working two jobs to support us so at night I would stay awake and take care of Brandy. For many years my sister confused me as her mom and even though i was so young when i would take her to the park people would stare and more than a few times some of them came up and asked if she was mine, that's probably cause we look almost exactly alike even though we have different dads. Whats really a laugh is we have different fathers so it must be some genetic throwback I guess. When my sister finally became older and my mom had time for her every time my sister called me mom my mom would flip out. To which I just said what do you expect you weren't here. Then my mom would kick my ass and say that I encouraged this whole mom confusion. I did correct my sister everytime she called me mom but deep down I really liked it. When my mom finnaly could care for Brandy I still couldn't sleep. I used to not understand why but the other night I was sitting here at my computer having writer's block (as usual) and I got this overwhelming feeling that I was supposed to be somewhere else, that someone out there needed me more than anyone else. It was the strangest feeling and I just couldn't shake it. When I tried to get to sleep that morning I was tossing and turning lying awake when it struck me, lying awake all these years I have been waiting for someone to need me like my sister did, and how me needing to make the impossible possible, to make everyone have the feelings that I didn't when I was small, to feel nurtured and cared for, to have someone to lean on and depend on. It's not that I want a baby or anything but now I just don't know how to get rid of this feeling and until its gone I'm destined to stay awake and smoke countless cigarettes. My best friends dad died a couple of weeks ago and she's been taking it really hard I'm trying to help her but there's not much I can do, but he is missed more than he could have ever expected. May you live again in dreams Tom.

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Time: 10:40 pm. Mood: sick.

I finally got offically proposed to and got a new job all in the same day. We are going to get my ring saturday and it's absolutely beautiful. I got real sick yesterday and I found something else that i'm allergic to, it's something in the new taco bell fajita's (sp?). I'm usually just allergic to most antibiotics so I wasn't expecting it at all when my throat closed up what a surprise. I quit an online group that I was a member of and tanya if you see this FUCK YOU! I still can't believe that i'm gonna get married. It's so weird, I guess if I don't feel like an adult now I'm never going to, and I still don't. Hmmm... So I found this great show online that explains my feelings about Prez george W. and here it is www.zipperfish.com/free/yafm5.com check it out u can thank me later.

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Time: 2:04 pm. Mood: touched.

I am 22 and while I don't feel like an adult I'll be the first to say that I'm just as disillusioned as everyone else. Yet somehow there is something completely magical about the first snow of the year for me. The cold clean sky giving up those first few icy flakes. The feeling of wonder it gives me is absolutely indescribable. I could never give it up. It hasn't always been like this though. Snow didn't matter to me until I was in the fourth grade and I had a new friend named Melissa. She was from California and when we were in class and it bagan to snow she ran out of the room with all the abandon of a four year old and it was remarkable to see her marvel over something that used to be just another part of the landscape for me. A few years ago I had the same experience with a woman from Hawaii named Marilyn, and the way she danced in the snow (well it really was a blizzard by then) it just reaffirmed my belief that snow is completely magical. I hope I never lose my innocent wonder of the miracle that is the first snow of the season.

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Time: 9:39 pm. Mood: dirty.

Got back from hastings today. My aunt got married and they had a pagan halloween themed wedding. It was great and I met alot of new people. Plus I got wicked drunk and requested baby got back then grinded my other aunt like the bastard, but it was all in good fun. Having alot of job interviews with wal-mart lately and i'm hoping to get dept. manager of photo. Its looking good so far. Made a new friend last night and hopefully soon he will come to town and we can party like nobody's business. After all if I end up getting this job i'm gonna celebrate, it would be nice to not feel like a loser when I get drunk for a change. Alright things are going well and I made an ass of myself to the new element so now the only one I can blame for the destruction of my relationship is me. Hopefully it all starts going right soon. ok you freaks have a super night.

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Blurty for blondewithlobotomyeyes. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.