Blurty for Kristina.

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Sunday, October 26th, 2003

Time:2:15 pm.
You know those times where you barely can look at your own face in the mirrow without wanting to throw up in disgust? This is one of those times for me. Every think I've done has been in vain. I have nothing to show for anything I've ever done. But maybe I do, and these things just aren't good enough for me? Will anything EVER be good enough for me? I wont know until one day something is good enough. For as long as i can remember, nothing has been enough, and so that leads me to believe that nothing will be enough. But what if it isn't me? What if everything around me sucks just that bad that nobody would appreciate it even half as much as i do? I am not the most important person in anyone's life. I don't think i've even in the top 5 for anyone. What does that say about me? Does my very thinking that make me even worse of a person?

It's not your fault, sweetheart. I need what I can't get from anyone: instant permanant and constant affection, caring, love. Why i haven't been able to be happy with as much as you have given me, i dont know. But it isn't your fault. If you show me exactly how much love you have for me, and show the same to others, without purposely hiding a thing, then there isn't much more that I can ask. But is it MY FUCKING FAULT THEN? I think not. I wanted to work together. We both have flaws. But like I was in the past, its easier for you to *say* "i want to love you the way you want to be loved" than it is for you do actualy fucking do it. I thought you were farther along than I was. I guess I was wrong. I have actually changed some of the way that I am, because I was not compatable with ANYONE. I have changed somethings about me during my time with you, that I have been unsuccessful in changing in the past, because this time is different. I love you. I really do. I loved them too, but I really didn't. This time, I love you. I really think that for you, I am like one of my pasts were to me. The ones from the past hurt. You want to have what you had with the new body, new mind. But its never going to be that way. Do you really want to care about me? or am I just another one of the ones that will turn into an old. One that you will, once its too late, try to find my attributes in your partner. Well my attributes are here right now, damn it. You will not find another human being more willing to openly love, and not MIND what you may have done in the past. I run the risk with you of getting cheated on, the same way you have done to others. But I know the truth. I know the why. And I love you with or without it. Why dont you do the same? Why dont you love me with or without my need to know when where why and have all the questions. I've been left behind. I need to have the reassurence. I humor you, and I do it for real. Why dont you do that for me? thats what makes me think that you dont *really* love me. That you are stuck in the past. Let me the fuck in.
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Time:2:04 pm.
Mood: uncomfortable.
Actions speak louder than words, eh? Well, I think like beauty, actions speaking louder than words is in the eye of the beholder. One cannot force oneself to act in a way that will be important to another human being. That other human being has to allow that person to become part of his/her life in that way. Its like a mental block. If I don’t want someone to be important to me, especially subconsciously, then it doesn’t happen, because I don’t let it. Likewise, if someone else subconsciously cares more about their ex than their new love, then the old love will be indefinitely more important to the beholder until his mind is somehow changed, by action.
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Saturday, October 18th, 2003

Subject: Hurray for html!
Time:1:15 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
I think

I know i have just learned how to use html. Way to go me!
I just dont know how to make it be back to normal....
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Thursday, October 16th, 2003

Subject:maybe i'll have a job soon?
Time:3:30 pm.
Mood: artistic.
Music:The howling wind outside my window, making it sound cold out.
I talked to scott,.. the owner of a hockey equipment store near my school... he is the brother of my mom's friend/ex kmart coworker. I might have a job working for him in his store. This would work well because i can go inbetween classes. Since i have classes 4 days a week,.. i will probably only have to work one weekend day,.. if any. There is just one downside that i can think of. I will probably only be paid $7 an hour. but its better to get $7 an hour, ... than $0. right? blake agrees. i'm thinking about making and selling charms for a few extra bucks... but that may turn into less of a paycheck than $7 an hour. thus far i have put in about 15 hours of work practicing and attemping/ failing to produce what i wanted out of blakes necklace charm. if i were to sell this thing, i'd price it at like $15,... that would be like a dollar an hour,... minus supplies! maybe i just need practice. i'll see how long it takes to make sarah's and my own charms. and if they turn out decent. if they do i think i'll make each of my sisters something. this nickel silver isn't so bad to work with. in fact, its a whole lot let trying to work with. that sterling silver i had melted... then i was afraid to heat the second piece enough to even start to melt the solder. sad story eh?
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Tuesday, October 7th, 2003

Subject:I'm gonna need some pliers, a can of paint and a Q-tip.
Time:4:40 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
Music:Caramel Corn Quakes rice snacks going *crunch* in my mouth..
Vanquished was the deplorable anf false deduction of my evil spirited subconsious. I knew it was a horrid depiction of another human being, and I disallowed myself to belive it. No longer will I allow my subliminal mind to work without my consent. I do not believe that I can control my thoughts,.. but I do believe that I can be in touch with them, and KNOW what is driving them.
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Friday, October 3rd, 2003

Subject:Hello
Time:6:50 pm.
Mood: indifferent.
Music:jazz and chewing gum pops in my ear.
This is my first entry.... Jennie is cool and watching the letters appear on the screen... she thinks it is funny when I miss type and have to backspace and start again. We are going to a haunted house later will my eventual step sister Sara, and her friend Monica. It's raining. Should be fun. I have cloves. YAY. Happy 2 months, scooter. Gotta watch blue collar comedy tour AGAIN. Its too dark and rainy and windy to take decent depth of field pictures today, so i'll have to pass on that. Perhaps I'll go to south campus in the morning and make some prints.... perhaps not. It would be at 8 am. I'll have to think about it. I need ideas for a project in metal working. I need something semi-difficult so that I can get a good grade. Sara is calling.. its time to get bundled up and go get scared. and wet. and cold. and smoke some cloves.
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Blurty for Kristina.

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You're looking at the latest 6 entries.