Well like I said the drama never ceases in my life and I guess that's cuz I choose to let it continue. Well Randall never stops, and neither does Nick....all I can say is WHY ME?! I met someone new, but who knows how that will go...so far so good, we just don't really see each other much I guess. Ill post better later, I'm at work right now and I don't have much time to bullshit around....til then.
Well I got a new job, and it's takin up all my time lately, which explains why I haven't been postin much. I'm glad I got this new job, it takes up 90% of my time, but at least it's a step in the right direction....drama free for right now....we'll see how long THAT lasts....knowing me some shit will happen tomorrow, just my luck anyways....I'm not at home right now tho, so I'll post later, when I have more time. Peace out gangsta's.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm being naieve in one situation in my life and it's time that I wasn't. Mental note to self about self: don't take bullshit from liars.....hell, don't take bullshit period.....that's my new years resolution - 4 months late :D
It's been awhile since I last posted, and a lot has happened, or not happened, however you wanna look at it.
The drama with Nick never ceases, and I guess that's mainly cuz when you're a faggot, you tend to be a drama queen. It's always something with him, but I can't say that it's a lot of drama considering that Randall still messages me all the time trying to start shit, that is drama right there. It's been what, almost a YEAR since we broke up? He still messages me about "dreams" he's having and shit like that. I DON'T CARE, share that shit with your GIRLFRIEND...tell your girlfriend how you think about me, maybe she'll have a better insight on it. I flat out told him "you KEEP thinking about me, cuz you had your chance, and blew it" right after he told me that this warm weather reminds him of me because we used to go to the festivals and events around here so he could drink his beer. I know why he's trying to be all nice now, and that's for the simple fact that he knows if I run into jill I'm gonna tell her everything, and he wants to get on my good side so that MAYBE he can try and convince me not to tell her. He already told me though that if I did tell her, he was going to tell her that I'm crazy...which is exactly what he told me about the same situation when all of his exs IMed me online to tell me that he cheated on me with them.
Things with Brandon have gone to the wayside evidently. I understand why they're where they are, but it doesn't stop it from hurting. People have told me that he's passed up his opportuinity, but I would be hard pressed to just shut him down if and when he did want to have something with me. I really do care about him, and it's different when I talk to him. He understands me, and he brings intelligent conversation to the table, as opposed to the typical guy's responses. I haven't found anyone like him yet, and I'm not so sure if I ever will. He's been working lots, and I never get to talk to him anymore. Seeing him would be unheard of. ::Sigh:: I can't think of the last time I felt like this.....
I've been working and hanging out with my girls a lot lately. Been to a new club and a couple awesome parties. Drank a few fifths...lol and forgot a lot of shit....drove to Middlebelt instead of Jefferson...lmao shhhhh....but I'm gonna go I'll post more later I'm sure.
Well let's see....for almost the last month I've been coming here to spill my thoughts for the world to view. No one has commented and probly not even read the thing. I don't really post necessarily for other people to read, most of it is just to get this shit off my chest, but it would make me happy if people did read it so that they could understand the REAL me and understand why I am who I am sometimes.
Today wasn't one of the best days I've had lately. I went to Mongolian BBQ and to see Passion of Christ with Dave. He's just a friend but he does have a deep interest in me and when he told me he loved me ever so long ago I really feel that he meant it. It just kills me inside cuz I do love and care about him just as much, but in order for any type of relationship to occur between us, there has to be a sexual attraction for each other and although he might have that for me, I lack that for him. This is a perdicament I've been stuck in for a looooonnnggg time tho so onto the next one....
Things with Brandon have kinda gone to the wayside....he constantly says things to me that just make me wonder why he even talks to me. I understand the whole situation, but that doesn't help the fact that I care about him and want to be something more then I am to him then I already am. He says that the reasons he doesn't call sometimes is because he knows that all of it pulls me in more, but that damage is already done, and it's both of our faults. I don't think that things are going to work out for him the way that he wants them to, and by all means, I want them to because he deserves to be happy, but at the same time I almost wish that I could be the person that he comes to when they don't....but that would be wishing that things don't work out for him, so I really don't know how to feel about all of it. I just can't help the fact that I feel like I go thru the motions of life, but there's no weight to it...there's no meaning...I feel empty....
Being committed to someone and having something good with someone is something I've wanted all my life. It's like something I CRAVE, and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've never really had that home lifestyle in my life. I wanna be happily married with kids and the whole nine, and I think that if I found someone who was rich and I was attracted to, that would be the only way I could do that right now....and now is when I want all of that. If I could not have to worry about going to school and just sit at home and be a stay at home mom without a worry in the world I would love it....but I know that's a factual event....or is it? I know I'm crazy...you don't have to post and tell me that, I already know.
I guess finding the person who can fill all the positions you crave in your lifestyle is hard, because if he was standing on every street corner, what would there be left to fill? Right? Im just thinking about all the times I put up with a guy's BS because I was scared that I would lose him, when that whole time fate was trying to tell me that he wasn't the one to fill my positions. Maybe I should start listening to that little thing called fate, I think he knows something about everything. It's hard to listen to fate when you're hearts in it for the long haul though. That IS something I've learned about myself and that's that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I fall fast and hard and I'm prone to heartbreak....I guess that all goes back to the fact that I crave that family stuff, you know, marriage and kids.
The other day Pearl and I were having a conversation and I was trying to explain to her that her idea of the "ideal man" was totally different then any guy I would ever date. She's a beautiful girl and her ideal man is someone who is of good looks...while mine is someone who will treat me good.....which yea sometimes that rakes in faces that only a mother could love, but in my eyes, it's not face value that's valued greater. I told her that I would never date anyone that she could look at and be like "damn, he's hott" cuz in all honesty, that wasn't even something that I really evaluate. You would think with values such as these...I could find ONE guy that would love me for me, and be there for me, and appreciate me and my concern.....but none yet...hopefully one to come.....
I'll post more later....I've ran outta time and I need to get some sleep....leave comments if you feel the need.
Well it's been an interesting previous week. My friend Mike Jay passed away and I feel empty, even though we didn't hang out much at all. We partied, drank Jager Bombs and smoked blunt after blunt together....we got to know each other, and I grew to like Mike. He was one of those people that no matter the situation, he always had a smile on his face....ALWAYS....he was a person, that now that I think about it, that I would like to model myself after in life. It really isn't fair that God chose to take him from all of our lives, but it's almost the way that Mike lived his life, that makes me think that that's WHY God took him. He was always happy...and I think that this place wasn't somewhere that he belonged. God puts us here to live our life however we so choose, and I think that he does it knowing that it's going to pose a challenge for most, but for Mike it was different. Life didn't pose a challenge for him, and when and if it ever did he grinned and beared it. He had living life down to a science. It was almost like he knew that if he played his cards right, he would be where he belonged. It's weird how all of that works....and my mind races constantly thinking about ways to improve my life, because just like in this situation, you never know when it's going to end. He died doing something he absolutely loved doing, something he even passed up partying to do....and that's riding his bikes. I hope in heaven they have the ultimate dirt bike for Mike, so that he can ride as long and as far as he wants to, because he sure deserves it....everyone who reads this...think about how you're living your life...and think about what it would be like if it were to end tomorrow....or 5 minutes from now. Would you feel like the people around you knew that you loved them? If not, maybe you should reconsider how you live your life on a day-to-day basis because you never know when all of that could change.
RIP Mike Jay *04.03.2004* your goofy ass will last in our hearts and in our memories forever.
Well he DID have the picture on his profile on yahoo.....but he took it down cuz I told him if he didn't get a picture of him in MY shirt off the fucking internet, that he would regret it, cuz his whole damn neighborhood would know about it. My voicemail on my phone is hilarious....lol you guys should call n listen to it. The only reason it's there tho is because he kept calling and calling and calling me to try and get me not to tell anyone about his sick escapades. Ill write more later, me and Pearly are goin out....
Well I know one things for sure...and that's that I've found someone who totally understands me for me...finally....I'll go into detail about it later....right now I need sleep
Well as it seems, both of them are scum of the earth, hence, why I'm not WITH either of them. One likes girls....every one he comes into contact with..and the other likes boys........AND girls....hmmm.
Nick's been playing the typical "I just need my space" game in which I got sick of real fast. I mean he says he loves me and everything but then he doesn't want to talk to me. Well I'm no stupid girl and I'm not gonna sit around and wait til he decides that he can forgive me for something so petty. I'm not gonna sit around and wait for some GUY who goes into "Men In Panties" chat rooms to forgive me for being a bitch to him. Although according to him "it's just a joke and out of pure bordeom," cuz I know A LOT of guys who do that shit outta pure bordeom more then ONCE in their lifetime, don't you? I just really don't need the drama in my life anymore...and regardless if there's someone else there or not, I still don't need the drama.
Then there's the infamous Randall. He's the guy who actually LIVES to the motto "pussy don't have a face" because he will fuck anything that walks. Unfortunately at one time, I believed that this wasn't true about him, but thru the months I've known him, I've figured out different. Right now, like once before that I'm aware of, he's got a beautiful, faithful, smart, down-to-earth girlfriend who he insists on cheating on. He calls me alllll the time wanting to hook up and after this last time in which I was made to believe that they weren't together anymore...I told him no more, because I found out different, and I don't need AIDS. He hooks up with chicks off the internet and everything. DIRTY!! I told him that if I wanted AIDS I would go searching for it, because by the way he cheats on all his GFs he's gonna end up with it one day. So needless to say, he's blocked on my list also. And Jill....if you're reading, I'm really sorry that your boyfriend is a complete asshole.
And then theres B....::sigh::.....who I've recently acknowledged as someone in my life. We've known each other for such a short period of time and yet the things I've discovered about him amaze me. I'm not going to write much on it, because the situation is a little f'd up right now and I'd rather not broadcast my feeling for him, because then I'm for sure doomed. Let's just say that when he figures out what he wants in his life...I'm gonna be there for it. But as for right now...my heart is torn two ways....between it and my head.
I'll post more later I guess.....
Blah....I'm gonna post tonite, but I don't have time to post right now. Everyone keep close, cuz you'd be surprised....
Needless to say last nite was a wreck. A couple of my girls and I went to the club and just getting there and getting in was the biggest part of the wreck, and then inside the club it was like a train had been added TO the wreck because it just wasn't happenin. I took what happened before we got to the club "in stride" like I've been instructed to do, and it worked out fairly well, but I was hoping for an "in stride" reward inside the club, like actually being able to dance and have a good time. BUT....that didn't happen either. Oh well....I won't be back to Sevin anyways....it's definately a dominately arabic club, which just isn't my style.
Today wasn't a very nice day either, but I'm still taking it "in stride" and tomorrow brings another day with more opportunities to be glad I'm still alive, because today just wasn't one of those days. Everything else went ok. I'm just really sick of being sick to my stomach, I guess I just need to stop and grow up and be self centered like some of the other people in this world. Although that's not the theme I'm trying to go with here....but it seems to get most by everyday without having them touch on their intellectual side. I really am sick of worrying about my feelings to the point to where I'm almost numb, to the point to where I almost can't feel anything anymore. Maybe that's what I need.....to not feel anything anymore......
Today went pretty good. I got to hang out with my girl of all time, Pearl. She puts me in the best mood, not to mention what we did. We watched movies at one of my friends house and then went and drove around for a little bit and hung out with some of her boys. It was fun but most of all it kept me busy and my mind off of some things for a little while.
I got a pretty disturbing call from Nick today. ::Scratches head:: I'm not so sure what's going on, but he was very, VERY upset. It sounded like he was gonna cry on me, but he said he didn't want to talk about it, and that he would call me in a few days. =( I don't know what that means, but I hope everything is ok. I love him with all my heart and I wish he would at least let me be there for him, but if he needs not to talk about it for awhile then that's ok too. I told him that he could call me when he wanted to talk though.
I miss Nick soo much....I wish I could just go to his house and lay, cuddled in his bed with him. I wish I could feel his arms around me again....or at least just once more. I wish I could look into his beautiful eyes, deep into his soul. He's an awesome guy and I'm forever scared that some girl will come and swoop him up. =( He tells me he loves me, and I know deep, down inside that he does, but who's to say that he won't fall in love with someone else? I know that I couldn't do that to him though....anyways enough about my hopes and dreams.
I've been doing very good with my patience and being happy lately. I even sang in the shower today, which is probly something you will NEVER hear me do. Haha. I guess making a concious effort is the key to gettin rid of the devil inside of me. =) Heh....alrite well I'm not really intellectual tonite soooo I will write later if I FEEL intellectual ORRR I will write tomorrow. Nite all...
I sat online tonite for a little bit and actually talked to someone who brought something more to the table then the usual "a/s/l?" I was kinda floored at the things we talked about. Yahoo sometimes pisses me off for that reason, it's always people looking to hook up and they usually can't find anything more to talk about than the usual "getting to know each other" bullshit. SO that was enlightening to my evening......
I went tanning today and worked on some homework, and I also stopped by my aunts house for a little while. While I was out tanning I decided to get Nick a lil surprise and since I go to BFE to tan, it was only a hop skip and a jump to carefully set it on his truck for him to see in the morning. I hope he doesn't take my surprise the wrong way though. It was just a thought really....nothing more meant by it.
I listened to radio stations I usually never listen to today and I was shocked to find that I know more music then just crappy Rap music. Granted I don't hate on rap music, because to me music is an expression of culture, and whether it be beats and rhymes, or guitars and full symphonies, it doesn't matter, it's all music to me. Anyways, I turned on 106.7 tonite as I was driving home from dropping off my surprise at Nick's house and I was JAMMIN. =) I had that radio up so loud and I was just singing away and for a moment I stopped to realize how happy such a little thing had made me. I stopped to realize that I couldn't get the smile off my face....it was permanant. I was listening to some good music, that had me thinkin about some good things in life.
I've really taken great strides this past couple days in the fight to be happy. That's what I'm going to call it from now on "Lacy's Fight to Be Happy" lol. Dunno why...I guess just cuz it's silly and makes me laugh. Waking up everyday telling myself "today is a new day" really helps, and I'm glad that Nick suggested it to me. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and he's really right about all of this, and I've really realized it more now that I've had some time to think about it. I need ME time, even in a relationship, and that shouldn't be sacrificed for anything. I guess I've also taken many things for granted for some time now, like the joyfulness of my dog when I walk in the door, and the sound on Nick's voice on the phone, or all the 'hellos' I get when I walk into work. It's those things in life that keep you going and it's those things in life that help you realize you are loved and you are a beautiful person, including your faults and failures.
Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes things don't work out as planned, but it's not the end of the world. It really isn't....and I'm finally putting all of that into perspective. The other nite one of my friends got lost coming to my house when we had plans to go to Canada and I feel really bad about how I reacted, and that was before Nick and I had our last good conversation. I thought about how I treated him because he had gotten lost and I really feel like an ass now. I was PISSED...flaming....whatever else words you can come up with to replace those, and there really was no reason for it at all. It wasn't such a bad thing that I stayed home that night. It wasn't such a bad thing that I didn't have anything to do but lounge around in my PJs and talk to Nick. I lived...so I now look at the situation as why worry about it...it was one night out of HOWEVER MANY nights I have in my lifetime. I've since then apologized to him. =) Just in case you were wondering.....
WOW.....this entry is interesting indeed. I love my life......that's all there is to it. I'll be waiting tomorrow to hear from Nick about his surprise, and I'll let you all know what he thought of it. Until next time....peace love and chicken grease....haha how cliche....
Well I've talked to a few friends and read a few of my friend's journals. I've come to the conclusion that there are some very unhappy people in this world...and I don't want to be one of them anymore. I'll write more tomorrow......
Well I had a great talk with Nick last night and also again tonite about many things. He's really good for opening my eyes to situations I, otherwise, don't see. He says that starting off your day by thinking to yourself "It's a new day" helps to really put you in a good mood for that day. So it was a trial period today, and it actually somewhat worked. I had to work of course, but my day at work went fairly well. We also talked about how we feel about our current status, which really helped me to put some other things into perspective.
I know that I can get the things I need taken care of, taken care of. It's just a matter of putting my priorities first and doing what I need to do to accomplish that. It's a matter of finding out what should come first in my life, and actually putting it first. Patti always says that I'm good at letting other people know what they need to do, but I just never apply those rules to my own lifestyle. In a sense, she's right.
Nick and I also discussed how my past isn't necessarily my fault and that I need to stop being so hard on myself. I don't really agree with that because I feel that when I'm not hard on myself, that's when what I need to get done slips behind. Like right now I'm slacking because I really do have a lot of homework that needs to get done.
I really miss Nick lots though. I think about him everyday and it kills me inside that he isn't the bigger part of my life anymore, even though he still occupies most of my thoughts. The more I become less dependent on him, the more I want him back. He tells me that he really does love me and he hopes that someday things will be different between us, and I believe him, but I can't help but wonder when they will be different. I guess that's really not what I need to be worrying about right now, because he is still a part of my life, and that's better then nothing at all. I've somewhat figured out what my big problem is in relationships. That's that I always drop everything for the person I'm with, and I let go of what's important to me, and what I need to do in life. I guess that's because I'm scared to miss out on something good, and in this case I really am missing out on something good, but that's because I did just what I thought would keep it near. I guess all I can do now is what I need to do to be happy, and if Nick comes along for the ride, then I'll be more happy. But I miss him so much.....
I did have plans tonite to go out and party, but those fell thru. Which seems to be the trend as goes for the last two nights that I was also supposed to go out. Although, I did go out on Friday night with a couple friends from work. Those girls, Janice and Mandy, I'll tell ya, they're two of a kind. =) I could probly get myself into trouble with them. Anyways....
I guess I've written enough for tonite, I might post later, because I'm not all that tired yet, and when I get to thinkin I need somewhere to release this mess.....til then, Night.
Well I've decided to start another journal. I need to find a place for me to vent some things that otherwise, never get vented. Hopefully this journal will not only be a venting place for me, but also a place where others can get an insight on what exactly is going on in my life and in my head.
Nick and I broke up over a month ago and this has been the hardest month of my life. I really miss the way he used to make me feel everyday, specially on the day's I was down. I know that if I need to talk he would still be there for me, but it's just not the same anymore......it's painful is what it is. I'm sure our friendship is strong enough to last thru all of this nonsense, but sometimes I really fear that it's not. I guess having faith is another thing I need to work on in life. I wish that I could take back a lot of the things that happened between me and him because a lot of it was heartless on my part. The sad part about that is that I can't take them back, I need to deal with it and figure out a way that if the same stuff so happens to come up next time, I am better prepared in ways to react, instead of jumping to conclusions or flipping out. I really do love Nick, and I miss him terribly, but I know that if I ever want anything to happen between us again in the future, that I NEED to figure out about myself, and find out what I'm all about. I need to know what makes me kick, and what makes ME happy and unhappy. I need to gain confidence, self esteem, and trust in myself, before I try and share those things with someone else. I'm just a very unstable person right now...and being with someone else is NOT what I need.
It had been 14 years since I'd actually heard the voice of my real mother on the end of the phone line, and for some odd reason just recently, I was intrigued to hear it again. I think part of the reason I'm scared to just let go and love someone and have them love me, and part of the reason I lack trust in everyone but myself is because of this. I think a lot of the reasons I have the problems I have today is because of this situation. I hate to go thru life blaming things on others, but I really feel that because I haven't dealt with all of it, that it has put a soft spot on many of the feelings and thoughts I have in my relationships, not just with Nick, but with others also. I've often thought that I need to talk to a therapist about them. It seems that a lot of people see shrinks now-a-days. I wonder if they really benefit....
Anyways.....I talked to her on the phone for the first time in 14 years and I was probably the most dissappointed I've been in a long time. Many of the events that happened back when I was 4 or 5 are just a figment of my imagination so says my mother, and none of them ever occurred. Even though I know that her saying this isn't true, it still hurts my feelings to know that after all these years she hasn't come to the point in her life where she could deal with it, and move on. She still hasn't come to the point in her life where her relationship with her ONLY daughter is more important then saving face. I guess there's worse things that could happen. So I'm sitting on the phone during this 6 hour long phone conversation just wondering what in the hell made me call this woman. This woman who doesn't even have enough decency to admit that she was young and made some stupid choices in life regarding my upbringing. She's sitting on the phone telling me she loves me and misses me...how on earth could you miss someone you haven't seen in 14 years?! For God's sakes, she doesn't even know me, what is there to miss?! I laugh once and she cries....I'm wondering why am I torturing myself with all of it. So when the conversation comes to an end (because at this point it's like 7am and I have school the next day at 2pm) she says "So when are you going to call me next?" like she hasn't just missed out on the last 14 years of my life, and like we covered soo much ground in the last 6 hours of conversation. I still wonder why I waste my time with someone who can't admit the truth to their own daughter......
My Dad and I have been kinda close lately. He's really the only thing I have to hang onto. With Nick gone, I really have no one close to me that I can tell my thoughts and feelings to. There has been nights where I've called him at 2am crying my eyes out and he actually wants to listen to what I have to say. I guess he sees that I really don't have anyone but him to talk to. All my life my Dad's only been the disciplinary, and for once, he's actually being what I need most, and that's someone to hear me talk. I'm glad that we've finally reached that point in our lives, because for the longest time, my Dad and I couldn't see eye to eye on anything enough to where we could even be in the same room together -let alone have a conversation about feelings with each other.
Schools another stress in my life.....one that I probly shouldn't let slide, like I need to learn to do with the others. So far, it's going great. I like all of my classes, and I'm glad that I enrolled this semester. I'm also glad that I'm taking night classes, versus day classes. I don't think I could handle the immaturity of the day classes, along with the fact that the professors assign way more homework then in the night classes. I've met a couple people from school that could be potential friends, but I'm not so sure I have time to make friends right now. I've got a pretty full plate as far as extra curricular activities goes.
Well I've written A LOT....and I'm very exhausted from all the crying I've done tonite....but I think it was affective crying because I've put quite a few things into perspective....THANKS NICK for the good talk =) I'll post more later.