Oh, How The Noose It Swings When You Die.'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Oh, How The Noose It Swings When You Die. [ website | Alicia's Blurty. ] [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

This is a war we live in. [Monday, December 29th, 2003 written at 9:40pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | Thoisday ] This morning was gay. I fell asleep to Bedknobs and Broomsticks because that movie is so groovy and I slept all day. Then I watched Pirates of the Caribbean since I love that movie. I also went to the mall once with my dad and I saw Victoria, and stared at her to see how long it would take for her to notice me, but she didn't. So later she asked me if I wanted to go to the mall with her again and we got some groovy stuff. I'm bored. And I'm mad. I hate when people are so hypocritical. If you say something you ought to stick to it, eh? Fuckers. 3 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

"I can't carry it; but I can carry you." - Samwise Gamgee [Sunday, December 28th, 2003 written at 10:36pm] I had an absolutely LOVELY day. I went to go see Return of the King with Harrison and I thought I was going to vomit from all of the suspense. That movie was so intense and I doubt any movie could ever top that in my lifetime. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time and I held my bladder from 11:15 to 3:30 just so I wouldn't miss any of that movie, but it was so worth it. I recommend it to ANYONE. So after the movie, we dropped Harrison off and five minutes later he told me he was coming back to my house, so him and Amanda came and we walked around Pitman playing lord of the rings! We left from the Shire (my home) with the ring (a bracelet tied onto a key chain necklace) from there we went to Rivendell (Wawa) Then to Rohan (The Shell Gas station), we then ventured on to Helms Deep (Papa Luigi's). After that we sort of went out of order and we rested, then to the caves (Field next to Highschool), then we slayed some orcs/urk-hai. Went to Isengard, Looked at Minas Tirith because we were too lazy to go there, then went to Mordor to destroy the ring. We ran into Paul, Natalie, and Mike on the way but they were only slowing us down with our journey to destroy the Ring so we had to leave them. So after that we ventured on up to Jim and Mikes, then back to Harrison's where we were detectives. Then to Wawa, then to my home where we watched Pirates of the Caribbean, played leap-frog, wrestled, and just sat around. Matt eventually got his ass over here and we just sat around some more. They just left me and I'm quite lonely but it's okay because I had a lovely day. Oh, there's just nothing to complain about today... :) 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

So this is what it feels like when you don't fit into your own skin? [Thursday, December 25th, 2003 written at 11:58pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Steps Ascending - Thursday ] Well, Christmas is coming to a close as I type. Isn't it weird how things only come once a year, and although it seems like they take too slow to come, they also come really fast. If that makes any sense. Time confuses me. I don't like it because it's always against me. The LAMEST, and most pathetic excuse one can use is "Well, you didn't tell me not to tell..." if you find out that they have gone off spouting every thing that you say about people. I don't tell people not to tell things that I say because I don't expect them to do so in the first place. I didn't know that you had to explicitly tell someone not to do something just to ensure that they wouldn't. I thought that you could actually trust someone with like an unspoken oath or something like that, but no, how could I ever think that? That is a foreign concept to practically all of the assholes that I'm growing up with. I guess I was wrong, once again. Silly me, I should have known that you can't truly trust anyone. Because say if someone is talking to someone and they just completely run out of topics for conversation, but they have acquired some very juicy dirt that you've said about them, they see it as the PERFECT opportunity for something to talk about. Talk about friends, eh? The minute they get the opportunity, they'll totally forget about that silly thing that one calls "friendship" and "trust" and just go and say everything you told them in confidence, but it's okay because you never told them not to. Right? I just hate this town. There is nothing left in it for me except for Matt. He is just so [brace yourself, it's going to get sentimental] understanding, and he totally gets me and agrees with the things that I say. He's always on my side, and he's the only real friend that I have left. Everyone else has just fallen to shit. It's almost like I feel ostracized. There are all of these cliques that formed two years ago, and are damned if they're going to admit any new members. I hate this town. I wish I could move. Talk about a lovely Christmas, eh? I thought that maybe my mom could give me a Christmas present of not getting totally shitfaced tonight, but that didn't work out, just like it didn't on my birthday. I spent a ride in a car with her shitting my pants because she was drunk as all hell, slurring her words, and driving all over. I was praying to the God that I don't even believe in that I would live through Christmas, and fortunately I did. Oh, what I said about moving earlier...if I were to move it would definitely be with my dad. I would totally leave her here to follow through with the self-destructive behavior she's been exhibiting for the past four years and let her waste away and die. That's all that she deserves right now. Christmas has sucked. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

I held a fallen star and it wept for me, dying. [Sunday, December 21st, 2003 written at 7:21pm] [ mood | dazed ] [ music | AFI ] For some reason, it's just like I don't have the energy or desire to write in this anymore. I have nothing to say anymore, because I hardly think anymore. I am just so caught up in books and in my own little world. I sleep the majority of the day and read whenever I'm not sleeping. It's sort of like an escape for myself. The one thing that I did actually think about today was how life will probably never get any better. I mean, you think that finding that special "someone" is going to cure all of your woes and such, but then you'll probably end up in a big divorce with two shitfaced kids on your hands who you just don't feel like dealing with anymore. Life sucks, nah mean? I got my ear pierced for my birthday. The guy who did it was so hot and I was just dazed. It is two holes parallel to each other on each side of my ear, and a barbell goes through them. It's hot, dawg. Check out that shit. I might take a break from blurty, I'm still debating. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

A permanent solution to a temporary problem. [Thursday, December 18th, 2003 written at 8:02pm] [ mood | complacent ] I was seriously ready to give up my blurty, or at least take a little break from it until I realized my desperate need for it. Sometimes I feel as if I don't say certain things, and I just keep them bottled-up, I'll explode, and that is why I need my beloved Blurty. I went to the dentist yesterday which was no fun whatsoever. He was working on some fillings and the whole time I could feel it, so he kept having to jab my mouth with the needle to make it numb, and he stuck the needle in my mouth about 10 times and now I can hardly even open my mouth today. It sucks, but that's the least of my worries and woes. This junior, Todd Brattstrom died and everyone seems to be pretty sure that's it's suicide. I've heard so many rumors about why he did it, it's crazy. I could not even imagine being in so much pain in your life that you come to the conclusion that the only thing left to do is kill yourself. It's just a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I mean, sure you might be in a lot of pain for a while but it will eventually pass! Moods shift, and nothing lasts forever. My mom was telling me about this guy who was a grade ahead of her in highschool who killed himself because his girlfriend dumped him. That guy has been dead for a long time and he could have spent YEARS being over her, and moving on to someone new, but he never even gave himself the chance to even try that. Suicide is just...horrible. But I guess sometimes people feel as if it's their last option because everyone is just so cruel anymore, and no one really knows how much something means to them until it's gone forever. I wouldn't know though, I've never killed myself. It's just so horrible what he did to himself. No one should be put through that kind of pain. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

Memories dull my senses. [Tuesday, December 16th, 2003 written at 10:37pm] [ mood | depressed ] God, I know that all I do is bitch about this, but I cannot STAND HER. She cannot be sober for more than one hour. And I bet she's going to wonder why I refuse to talk to her when I'm older. God, she bitches and complains about this woman who she works with who is a total drunk, but she is just the same! A drinker knows when to stop, but a drunk doesn't, and she definitely does not know when to stop. I just can't take this fucking household. I need to get out of here. She'll say one thing one hour, then the next hour it's "No, I never said that..." in her fucking drunk, zoned-out voice. I hate her when she's like this. God, I really do. Life hasn't been treating me all too well lately... Today in science, Anita comes up to me and tells me I have blood all over my pants. So I go down to the nurse's office and use the phone to call her, but she didn't answer. She was probably too drunk. So I run around for half an hour trying to find pants. So Mrs. Drank goes and gets Alicia who lends me pants, which was very nice. I've just been so emotional lately and I absolutely hate it. I have all these feelings of seclusion, and lately I've just been feeling like I wasn't good enough. I think I'm just really, really stupid. I need to be slapped. I'm just not in the mood to write right now. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

Woot! [Monday, December 15th, 2003 written at 9:59pm] [ mood | drained ] YES! It works again. I'm so happy. So since I haven't been able to update in like, a week. Here's the skinny. Shit's gone down and I have just turned 14. Woot! My birthday was yesterday, and it was fun. I like being older. I've felt so excluded lately, but I think that's just my feelings getting the best of me. I am dying to see LOTR: Return of the King. That looks amazing. I'm not in the mood for a big update right now. I just want to let whoever reads this know that I'm still alive I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

[Monday, December 15th, 2003 written at 9:56pm] seeing if sucky ass blurty is still a sucky ass. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

A deadly secret only I suffer to know. [Wednesday, December 10th, 2003 written at 7:25pm] [ mood | bitchy ] African Sleeping Sickness has now become American-ized. Either that or I am dying from some horrible disease where you sleep yourself to death. Is that possible? I swear, I sleep 12 hours a day yet I am still tired no matter what. Not to mention I am PMSing horribly. This is such a lovely combination, and I wish someone would just shoot me. I didn't go to school today, which was nice. My mom woke me up today and told me I was sick, then she called me out. I just bummed around the whole day feeling fine, eating pretzels, staring at the TV, and IMing alicia making fun of her for being in school, while I was out for no apparent reason. It was great. I have been suffering from the worst cramps, and I swear that if I wake up with cramps again, or I get my period tonight I am not going to school. So, I've been doing lots of thinking. But I'm always thinking since I usually have no one to talk to. This whole business of liking someone, it's a total waste of time. It serves no purpose whatsoever other than to weird the person you like out, hurt you, and kill friendships. So I have decided, with this whole matt-liking-business, that I am through. I believe I will dig a hole for myself and cut off all human-contact, just so there is nothing to tempt me anymore. Temptation is a bitch. So is infatuation. So I am giving up. I quit. You can only pile up so much shit before you have to shovel some off. If that makes any sense. It's just that I have so many problems right now going on inside of me, that this added one doesn't even need to be a problem. Oh, well. I swear I'm not as psychotic as I sound. I think. God, you know what pisses me off? People always suggest that you do things once you already have your mind made up. It's like, if I was going to do what you want me to do...I would have done it by now, don't you think? Like I'll say that I'm going to go somewhere, and someone else will say, "well why don't you go here?" IF I WANTED TO DO THAT, I WOULD HAVE DONE IT BY NOW. ASSHOLES. God, I'm just in such a bitchy mood today and I was to kill someone so badly. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

Kill me. [Sunday, December 7th, 2003 written at 11:12pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | There's no "I" in team - TBS ] Mom. That would happen to be my anti-drug. But not for the usual reasons, like wanting to make your mother proud or something. She's my anti-drug just because I never want to turn out like her. I know that she has a drinking problem, and there is nothing I can do about it, so I have yet to know why I even bother bringing it up to people. I hate when people ask questions, because they're always the same questions: "Why won't you talk to her about it," "Do you talk to your dad about it?" and all of that bull. It's a lot easier said and done, especially with my family. My dad absolutely despises my mom, so it's not like he would ever do anything to actually help her. I know that if I talked to my mom about it, she would get mad and deny it. It all just gives me that feeling that my life is just totally out of control and there is nothing I can do about it, but just sit and watch. Then people suggest to dump the bottles out, but it's sort of hard because about half an hour after she buys the alcohol, she devours it. Then they tell me that I shouldn't let her drive, but this really evil part of me wants her to drive, and this little evil part of me sort of hopes that maybe she'll hit a telephone poll and die. She would deserve it for the hell that she has already put me through in my young life. It's just all the stuff she does, she doesn't notice that it has an effect on me at all. Neither of my parents care enough to notice. The smoking, the drinking, the other thing that I can hardly bring myself to recognize. I can't take it at all. You would think anyone who actually cared about their kids would not do those sorts of things, just because they had their kids in their mind. She's so selfish. She doesn't care about what she does to herself, and she doesn't care that what she does to herself is enough to make me want to do something crazy like kill myself. I'd never have the guts to, though. But what she does to herself has such an impact on me that it makes me wish I were dead. I just wish I could talk to a shrink or someone like that about it, but I know that if the problem is very serious (which some of them happen to be) they have to intervene, and that would just screw my life up even more. I know it might not seem that might life is screwed on the outside, but on the inside I'm just being torn apart. I hate living like this, and I hate living with her. I really like her when she's sober and not hurting herself, but when she's like this I hate her. I hate her so much, and I wish she would just get into a car and drive drunk and die. I hate talking to people about this, because it just makes my family look worse than it already does. I know that hardly anyone reads this, so it's almost therapeutic to write in here. I hardly even use this journal as a log of what I do each and every day, and who I hang out with like any normal kid would, it's more dedicated to my feelings, which I think makes it more the better to read. I'm just in such a bad mood tonight because of her, but what else is new. I conclude. 2 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

God, I hate everyone. [Saturday, December 6th, 2003 written at 11:01pm] [ mood | crappy ] I keep forgetting about this, but I refuse to. I never update anymore, but that's because I've been busy! Woot! Last night was the Christmas dance, which was so fun. Directly after school I went to Alicia's and got my makeup done, which I loved. Then I went to my hair appointment, and I loved my hair. Then the night began with a party at Danielle's, where we got pictures, admired each other/complimented each other, and ate. We then proceeded to the dance, where I freezed my ass off. But the nicest seventh grader told me I looked pretty and I loved her for that! I think her name was Capri. So anyway, I danced the night away and killed myself on my heels. But it was worth it. Then, after the dance a bunch of people went to Natalie's where we sat around and stared at Casey Watson and marc butcavage playing guitar and bongos, and then watched comedy central. It was a lot more fun than it sounds, but I guess you just had to be there. I was dead tired by the time the night was over, but it was so sad because I had spent months anticipating that dance and then all of a sudden, it's over! Now I have to wait until HIGHSCHOOL, for another one. I'm so Goddamn impatient, too. Oh, well. I always have graduation in which I can get dressed up and get my hair did. Woot for graduation! So tonight was Sam Fine's party. It was pretty fun, except I was accused of liking Vince, in which I do not. That makes me mad when people assume because as one of my favorite quotes from a book goes, "Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups." That was a great book... Anyway, so after sitting on a chair by myself being totally bummed out, I decided to have some fun. Mike and Jason were battle rapping and I was Mike's trainer, and Matt was the Emcee. We were all huddled in a circle, and it was real awkward because Sam's father came and stood next to us. I guess he thought he was doing drugs. So we all quickly changed the subject and a few people just sidled away, while others made excuses to get a drink, or go to the bathroom. It's really awkward when parents do that and they should refrain from it. I mean, do they expect the kids to proceed in what they were doing with them standing there? They shouldn't. Teens are the most foul-mouthed assholes you'll ever meet. People just don't know our ability. Like when Miss Borb was talking about how she wanted to write sex into the health curriculum, the BOE said no to it, thinking that we were too young to learn about it. Some kids in our grade are already having sex, you assholes! People are just too stuck in the 50's, I'll tell ya. I overheard someone saying to someone else that Alicia said she was going to hang out with Brady tonight, and it made me really mad. Brady smokes pot and I don't want her getting caught up in that shit, because the minute that I find out that she smoked a blunt, we're never speaking again. She keeps insisting that she wouldn't, but you know, people can say shit like that, but once the pressure is put on them to do it they have a hard time saying no. And I think it would be really hard for her to say No. Oh, well. It's not my fault I'm an sXe kiddie. It snowed today. I hate snow. I hate everything about it. I hate how it looks. I hate how it feels. I hate how it makes you feel like shit if you touch it. I hate being white washed with it. I hate getting wet from it. I hate how God damn COLD it is. And most of all: I HATE SHOVELING SNOW. Today I had to shovel freaking snow and I didn't even get paid for it. According to my mom it was just "something that had to be done". Fuck that. Lots of things just "have to be done" and lots of people who are doing these things that "have to be done" are getting paid for it. Like a doctor would work for free only because performing surgery is a thing that "has to be done". Sha, right. I watched both Wayne's Worlds today. They were both informative and stimulating. I can never get tired of those movies. I grew up with Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar. I also grew up with Bevis and Butthead, but some assholes decided to take it off the air. Damn them, damn them to hell. And another lovely show that I grew up with was South Park. I swear, those activists trying to get it taken off the air should be clubbed to death. My birthday is in one week. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

[Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003 written at 4:21pm] ShannaBanana225: Katie, I want to be you when I grow up. You are awsomely awsome. Manic Panic 6489: oh, really? how so? ShannaBanana225: I was just reading your Blurty (Because I hadn't read it in like one and a half months) and your vocabulary is neato. I wish I could talk like a cool kid, such as you. that made my day. Great, now I have to go look at fucking trees in the fucking sub zero weather. 2 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

[Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003 written at 4:18pm] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | This broken killswitch - Boys Night Out ] Today just sucked and I think I'm going insane. Health was the only highlight of my day. It was so funny because we were talking about erections, ejaculation, masturbation, and condoms. Call me immature for thinking that's funny, if you will, but I must agree. So then afterwards I'm in science and of course I'm doing all of the work for my lab group since they're all such assholes, and as I'm doing THEIR work they're taking these bead things that I'm working with and throwing them at me and just being assholes. I freaked out on them. I started telling them to fuck off and shut the fuck up, I just can't take people. Then they started saying "oohh, you're on your period now!" and it makes me so mad how people autmoatically assume that your vagina is bleeding if you're in a bad mood. It's possible to get in a bad mood without it being the work of your hormones. That's such a stereotype. We also talked about stereotypes in health. I hate stereotypes so much. These boys were saying how girls aren't strong, but I bet that almost half of the 8th grade girls could throw those scrawny ass boys across the room. People just make me so mad. Christmas Dance is in two days. This will be interesting. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

Da choiche, da choiche, da choiche is on fiahhh [Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003 written at 4:04pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Lemonade - Tsunami Bomb ] Wow, wow, wow! I think that Pitman has exceeded it's amount of excitement in can handle for about a year. Unless you don't live in the area or are just too cool to watch the news, the church caught on fire and burned. Sure, it's sad, but no one was hurt so why not just find it sort of amusing? I don't think that makes me all that much of a bad person. So Alicia and I walked down to try to see but the whole town was just in chaos. You couldn't see a damn thing because of all the smoke. Then I helped her pick out shoes for the Christmas dance, but that is no where near as cool as the fire. I do absolutely nothing in my life, besides watching the occasional church burning to a crisp, but so far, that's only happened once to me. I had a belated Thanksgiving dinner with my mom, grandma, and brother on Sunday since she worked. I could have killed my mom. She told my grandma all about the egging and now I know that I'll have to listen to her bitch and complain about it. She wants everyone to think that her family is perfect, and even though you have imperfections, you're not supposed to show them. She's gay and needs to stop living in the fifties. Plus, since my grandma now knows this, and now knows that I'm a "criminal", she'll stop treating me to everything that I want. Damn. In the Shoprite yesterday, I heard someone talking really weird next to me, and I turn around and there is Kim! It was so funny, so I started laughing my ass of and I screamed to my mom, "HEY! THERE'S THE GIRL WHO ASSAULTED ME!!" and Kim went and hid behind her dad, who has a mullet, may I add. It was funny. I mean, of all people to run into, I run into Kimmy. I mean, how great is that? Pretty damn great, I'll tell you. The Christmas dance is on Friday which is muy fun. I don't even care about the dance, I just like the thought of dressing up and getting my hair did and looking nice. It's a nice change from the norm. Plus the after partay will be very fun. Speaking of parties, I was invited to Sam Fine's but I refuse to go only because that was the party that ruined my life. I mean, can you believe it? That is like one, huge, slap in the face on a very cold day, when you're not even expecting it to come. My friends are all like "Yeah, I want to go to your party, but I have to go to Sam's for half an hour first." My party had started a half an hour before his, and I wasn't going to sit around waiting for these people to come, so I just told them not to show up. Tell me I'm not crazy. I mean, I don't think I am the only person who would be pissed off to hell if put in that situation. Well, whatever. It was a year ago, and I need to forget about it. But forgetting is hard sometimes. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

Happy birthday, I'm forever your's. [Saturday, November 29th, 2003 written at 12:12am] [ mood | distressed ] Today was so stupid. I got up (an action I wish I never partook in) and watched a freaking Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen movie because it was the only thing on. Luckily, I saw that Dogma was playing and I watched that instead. Comedy Central is my savior. I went to Toys R Us with my mother tonight in search of something for Dave, but we had no luck. So we decided to do what only ignoramuses do. Yes, we decided to go to the mall on BLACK FRIDAY. One of the worst possible decisions that one could make. God, I hate the mall enough as it is, but the mall on Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year? That's fucking unbearable. I was practically suffocating from all of the dirty, smelly pieces of shit wandering aimlessly just taking up space. Why go to the mall if you don't plan on buying anything? I swear the mall just pays these people to stand around and get in your way. They deserve to be shot and killed. I can't stand people. Thanksgiving was pretty gay. I ate with my father and brother and the whole time my brother kept holding up his fork in a threatening manner, telling me how he was going to stab me in the face. God, I fucking hate him. He's almost 18 and he still hits and teases his little sister when he doesn't get his way. He needs to be shot and killed to, and I'll be glad to do so. Ah, I have come to the revelation that one of the worst feelings that one can have is knowing that things are out of your control, and there is nothing you can do to prevent it. In the Matrix, Neo says that he doesn't believe in fate because he doesn't like the thought of him not being in control of his life, but really, when are you ever really in control of your life? There are so many people and things that factor into it that make it impossible for you to get what you want without a ton of things/people getting in your way. But it's horrible, especially if you really believe that you are in control of your life. It's horrible just watching everything unfold in front of you, knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. And it's horrible when these people who are making this happen to you are totally oblivious to it and just keep acting like the pompous assholes they are. I swear, all -- if any -- empathy that people ever had is now totally drained out of them. People are just so selfish, and it pisses me off. I'm not making myself out to be any saint, because I am plenty selfish but people are just so freaking OBLIVIOUS and that's what makes them so selfish. But then again, I think that even if people weren't oblivious to things that they would still be selfish, because people only care about themselves anymore. It's just such a hopeless feeling when everything is just out of your control, and all you can do is stand by and watch, and no matter what you do or say, it will still have no impact on the outcome of things. People need to be shot and killed. Lots, and lots of people. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

I've got a book of matches, I've got a can of kerosene. I've got some bright ideas involving you and me. [Thursday, November 27th, 2003 written at 2:52pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | A Winter's Tale - AFI ] Thanksgiving. I hate this holiday. It's just such a family-oriented holiday and I lack of family. Sure, I have my immediate family, but it's like I don't have any relatives. My mom is just so stubborn and she thinks everyone is out to get her. I'm not even allowed to interact with my aunts and uncles. She doesn't even want them sending my brother and I gifts for Christmas. God, she can be such an asshole. She's just so stubborn. She can never admit that she is wrong. But then again, the more I think about it, the more I seem to be like her. I hate it when I come to that revelation, but it's true. It's true that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and man, that sucks. But then again, I think it's sort of good growing up with her as my mom, not healthy, but good. She is a perfect example of what I don't want to be. When I see how she acts, it really gives me a good idea of what kind of parent not to be. She can be all right at times, but then other times it's like she's this totally different person, mostly when she's drunk. And her being drunk is sort of good in a twisted way. It makes me not want to drink, because I don't want to turn out to be a drunken idiot. But, I shouldn't talk too much trash on her, because she can be cool at times. It's just weird. I've been in a daze for the past couple of days. I sleep for about six hours and get up and walk around all light-headed until I pass out for six more hours. I don't know if I'm sick or just sleep-deprived. But I don't know how one can be sleep-deprived when they spend the majority of the day sleeping. I need therapy. Or just a high dosage of Motrin. My head hurts so much, it's not even funny. Well, it's never funny when your head is throbbing so why bother even saying that. Damn phrases. I don't even want to eat tonight. It's not like I'm fat, I just have this gut that I can't stand. I tried on my dress for the dance and since it's so tight my stomach sort of hangs out, which really sucks. So I have to wear these Control Top panty hose which makes me feel like an old woman. Because only fat, old, saggy women have to have things to keep their guts in. I'm so bored, I hate this holiday. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

Please let me know that my one bad day will end. [Sunday, November 23rd, 2003 written at 7:54pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | Coral Fang ] I'm so mad and upset. I'm not sure if it's safe to write in here when I'm mad or upset, just because of what I might say. Well, here goes nothing. So Saturday, the Pitman Wildcats all met at the 7-11 at 7:45 in the morning. We were all so pumped and just ready to kick ass and take names. We arrive at the field and the game begins against Westville and we just took charge and beat them 1-0. So we were all feeling very confident by then. 1:00 rolls around and it's time to face off Mannington Blue Hawks. I had hurt my knee in the end of the game against Westville, so after limping around for twenty minutes of the first half, they decided to pull me out and I had to sit out the rest of the game, but we won 4-0. So then later that night was Tara's birthday party, and that was really fun. The sleep over was especially fun. Except I fell asleep early and everyone said I was a very sound sleeper because Kristen even kicked me in the head and I didn't wake up. That's crazy. So then we come to today. We were all just so fired up about this game. We wanted to win so badly, and we were almost positive that we would. I had so much adrenaline that I couldn't even tell my knee hurt when it actually was hurting like hell. We were in total control of that game. We were keeping it up on their half, we knew what we had to do. So the second half comes and both teams are still unscored upon. Then, the ref made a BULLSHIT call against Amelia. It was really weird too because he had been picking on Amelia the whole entire game, and it was almost like it was just an opportunity to punish her, so he decided to take it. He called a handball against Amelia inside of our 18 with the ball in the dead center of the goal. That little ugly fucker Herpes kicked it and it went in. God, after the game everyone was just bawling. It was so sad. So we decided to go to a diner afterwards, and some of us were still sad, but we all got a lot happier, and the coaches bought us all dinner. It is just so sad. It's like we worked SO HARD this season, and we won every game that we needed to win, but the ONE that were desperately NEEDED to win. The defining moment of our season, we end up losing because of some asshole ref, and some ugly little fucker named Herpes. It's just so upsetting, and I'm still upset about it right now. But, even if we didn't win the actual Championship, we're still Champs in our own way. We had the best season record, and we had class. We beat this team once twice out of three times, and each time they acted like assholes to us. The one time that they beat us, we took it graciously, even though many of us were crying. We weren't assholes about things, like many other teams we had beaten had been. Because we had class. I could not have asked for a better soccer season, a better team, or better coaches. It was the greatest soccer season of my life, and I don't think I'll ever forget that season. Enough of my chicken shit. So Kristen keeps trying to tell me that she "knows" that I want to be who I was last year. It's making me mad, because it couldn't be farther from the truth. I was just so fake in the beginning of last year. I kissed ass of anyone who I thought would make me "cool". I was all caught up in that backstabbing shit that all these people who call themselves "friends" constantly do. I'm not like that, nor do I want to be, but Kristen keeps on insisting that I want to be. God, I hate when people tell me what I want or what I'm thinking. It's like, how the fuck would you know? They're not me, and they can't read my thoughts. It just annoys me how people can make assumptions and then be so confident of it. I could go on for so much longer, but... ...I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

[Friday, November 21st, 2003 written at 6:23pm] [ mood | shocked ] [ music | The cure ] Wow, I have no idea what just happened. I spent the whole day in school just fantasizing about how I wanted to go home and sleep. So 3 o'clock rolls around and I finally get my wish and I'm asleep in my bed. I get up around 5:30 and within five minutes, my brother is screaming at me to get my stuff and to leave the house. I walk out of my room and everything is just in a state of disaster. My mom is stumbling around and the floors are sticky and there are cigarettes on the ground. My mom is wasted as anything, and I hate seeing her secret cigarettes that she pretends like she doesn't smoke just lying on the ground because she's too drunk to remember that she lies about just about everything to my brother and I, and she's too drunk to remember to hide them. I wouldn't even have such a big problem with her smoking if she didn't LIE about it. If she were more open about it, I wouldn't like it one bit, but at least she wouldn't be pretending to be someone she's not by trying to hide it. And this drinking. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT. It amazes me how drunk she can get by 3 o'clock in the afternoon. So anyway, my brother makes me leave there and in the car he is cursing about her, and he doesn't want me to talk to her until she decides if she wants to be a drunk or a mom. It was all so surreal. I just didn't feel right throughout the whole ordeal, and I had no clue what was going on. I had to pinch myself to see if I was still asleep. I know it may not seem like a very deal, my mom being drunk or anything but it is to me. She has done so much to fuck me up and I can't stand it. All of the lying and shady things that she does, and other things that she does to herself have just taken a toll on me. People like her should have never been allowed to have kids in the first place. I swear, the next time someone complains about how bad their lives suck because of some superficial bullshit, like the person they like doesn't like them back, I'm going to fucking slap them. People don't even know what it's like to have a shitty life. I'm not saying that my life is that shitty, it's just that I hate my mom and how much she has fucked me up. People just don't know a good thing when they have it. They take it for granted thinking that it's just not good enough. Thank God for Matt. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

Tomorrow we'll wake up in time to stop this double suicide. [Thursday, November 20th, 2003 written at 10:02pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | I was the devil for one afternoon - BOYSNIGHTOUT ] Oh, Mr. Gordon. That. Cunt. Face. He tried to move me today so I ran away and told him that I was sitting back in my old seat. I hate him so much. I can't wait to get out of science and get into history. Well, I can't decide who will be worse yet, the wrath of Ms. Joyce or the stupidity of Mr. Gordon. All I know is that they're both probably cunt-faces who deserve a nice, swift kick to the gonads. Victoria is still mad at me and I could give less of a fuck. I refuse to get hung up on something as stupid as her not talking to me because I brought up something that happen LAST YEAR. A motherfucking year ago. Get over it. Today was pretty gay. The only thing I could think about was how much I wanted to sleep. I love sleeping more than anything. You can just get away from everything, and you don't have to give a fuck about a thing when you're sleeping, because nothing is real in dreams. Life would be so much easier if nothing really mattered, just like how it is in dreams. You can stop things and switch to a new dream when things don't go the way you want them to. Well, unfortunately life sucks and I guess I'll just have to live with it. But it's weird because no matter how depressed I get, I'm still happy. Is that possible? I don't know how to describe how I feel anymore. I know all I do is whine about how much my life sucks in here, but really, it doesn't. It just seems like that because I'm such a screwed up person who can't find one emotion and stick with it. Today the weirdest thing happened. In communications, I really had to pee and I went to go get my planner signed by Ms. A and she gives me this real concerned look and says, "What's been up with you these past few days?" in this real concerned voice. I wasn't really sure what she meant, but I think it had something to do with my mental stability. So I just stood there and tried to sort of laugh it off, but she still gave me this look like she was studying me or something. I don't really see what she thinks is wrong with me. I mean, even during my happiest moments people think I'm still depressed. Maybe it's just how people perceive me. Or maybe I'm just a hard-to-read person. Who knows. But it was really weird that she said that, like she was actually concerned about my well-being. I have never had a teacher who has actually said something to me like they were concerned about me. Oh, man, if I had Ms. A last year during all the shit that I was going through, if she is concerned about me now she would have wanted to call in a psychiatrist and get me mentally evaluated on the spot. But sometimes I think it's better when there aren't third party sources to interfere. Early this year I was thinking about going to Miss Corvetti just so maybe I'd be able to deal with some things that I needed to deal with, but if I can hardly even open up to my very good friends, how would I be able to open up to some weird woman that I hardly even know. I mean, I can't even talk to my mom about this stuff. But then again, I don't talk to my mom about much. I wish I were like some of those girls who told their mom everything, and they're mom understood and didn't say critiquing things about them, or didn't just judge them for every little thing. But then again, it's nice not having her in any of my business, since she knows none of it. I'm thinking of getting this journal reviewed, but I don't know if it would get any high ratings. I couldn't take that disappointment. I put so much energy into this, and I think that if someone started just said something about everything I complain about in here being trivial or some bullshit like that, it would just make me muy mad. Well, I'll have to think about this. Today we had our last practice of the season. It was actually sort of sad. I have been dreading this soccer season's ending. It's been such a great season and has made me unbelievably happy. I don't want it to end, but I guess it must. I'm going to miss practices a lot though. They were very fun (minus the summer ones) and I'll miss Mr. Tranchina and all of his joke...things. He was a great coach. Well, wasn't that a strange entry? I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

[Wednesday, November 19th, 2003 written at 9:01pm] I love being happy. You Say You Want A Revelation?

[Wednesday, November 19th, 2003 written at 7:54pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | Brand New ] Jeez, I just give a fuck about absolutley nothing. It's lovely. I say what I want to say when I want to say it and when people get mad at me for it, I feel nothing. It's a great feeling. It's just like "Oh, you're mad at me? What a pity." and I go about doing whatever it was I was doing. I've realized that when I get into a major fight with someone, and I become friends with them, it's inevitable that we're going to just get into another fight and hate eachother's guts. It's just like, whatever anymore. That situation has happened so many times. I'm still in a high mood. It's great. I'm having an amusing time just talking to myself. I love it. Enough of my chicken shit.. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

a mizzillion mizziles away. [Tuesday, November 18th, 2003 written at 9:02pm] [ mood | cheerful ] [ music | the sounds of Valley Girl ] I am watching Valley Girl once again for the 205983498 time this week. I love this movie. It's timless, plus, Nicolas Cage is muy cute in it. Haha, they just got done the part where Randy is telling off Julie because she just broke up with him, and he's all, "FUCK OFF! 'LIKE SURE, TOTALLY'" Oh, I love it when people are spiteful about things. If someone crushed me like she did to him, I would love to be able to think up something fun to say like that, that is both insulting and humorous at the same time. I love making my dad unsure if I'm doing drugs or not. I am just sitting here asking him about pot and I say "yeah, doesn't it burn the back of your throat when you inhale?" and he starts explaining it, and I say "yeah, man, I hate when that happens." He gets this concerned look on his face like a real parent would, and is all you better not be messing around with that stuff. It's lovely. I don't do drugs though. You have to be fucking stupid to do that to yourself. I mean, sure you feel good while you're high or whatever, but then after you just feel like shit. It's stupid. Kill yourselves. Haha, Kim didn't come to school today. She is either a) preparing to bring in a gun to school tomorrow and shoot me. Her mom made her stay home so she could teach her gun safety. Or, b) since it's her goal in life to be suspended ("I want to be suspended, it's like a holiday off school.") she is staying home so it looks like she was, and she can look back on it and feel tough later. Let it be known that she got off with a ONE HOUR DETENTION all because she is handicapped and Mrs. Roberts hates me. Today was just my day. All of these days have been wonderful. We recieved our report cards and I got a stunning A in gym, a lovely B+ in communications, an "awesome" B in science, a groovy B+ in math, and a bien A in Espanol. Mmm, adjectives. So, let's hope that Kim's plan A won't come into action tomorrow and I will live to tell yet another tale of my ever so interesting life. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

We will not let you go. [Monday, November 17th, 2003 written at 8:13pm] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | Bohemian Rapshody - Queen ] Well, once again, I am the talk of the town. This time it's for being assaulted by Kim Erskine. Well, we were outside during gym and her and I had some words. She mumbles an inaudible, "You haven't seen the last of me", the comes after me and starts hitting me. Her punches were lame and they didn't hurt, so I just stood there laughing. She proceeded to kick me and try to break my wrist or something. She took my arm and tried to twist it, but in the end result she was unable to even move my arm. She tried to give me a lowblow, but unfortunately, since I am not in possession of gonads, it didn't work. Plus her leg couldn't even get high enough to reach what would be my balls if I were a guy. So I just stood there with my arms at my sides laughing at her, she started getting flustered because I wasn't fighting back. So she attempts to punch me even harder, unfortunately, there wasn't a real difference in the intensity of the punches. So then later we're both called down to the office, and Mrs. Roberts wanted to give ME a detention. That was total bull. Kim should have freaking got suspended, but since she's handicapped and our school is crocked full of bullshit. So she got off with a slap on the wrist and a one hour detention, while Mrs. Roberts made me out to look like the bad person. I did what I thought was right and I didn't hit her back. If she has a problem with that she can bite me. So anyway, now I'm being called a "pussy" for not fighting back. Oh, people, you can never please them. I did what I thought was right and I didn't fight back. I know that if I had hauled off, punched her, and knocked her out or something people would think I was this horribly horrible person who did not deserve to live, but since I didn't fight back I'm now a "pussy." yeah, well fuck you. If you're in a situation where some handicapped girl is trying to punch you, you see what you'll do. And if you're white trash, maybe you'll take the white-trash way out of things. If you have some dignity, maybe you'll do what is really right. It's your choice asshole. Sorry, I needed to get that out of my system. It just makes me mad how people will judge you for every little thing you do. Today was a great day. I loved it. I have just been in such great moods lately and I love it. I don't care how many times I get jumped a day, it'll still be the funniest thing in the world to me. Everything is just funny. Wow, today was eventful. To any asshole who as anything to say about that fight, here is a preemptive FUCK YOU. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

It's all I have to live for. [Saturday, November 15th, 2003 written at 3:54pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | How long is the night? - Thursday ] I hate these people who are so "happy" with each other. I guess I've come to realize that the reason why I am so bitter towards all of these "couples" is because I wish I could be "happy" like that. I mean, it's a lovely idea when you're not with anyone that you would be happy 24/7 if you were, but once you are with someone, reality sets in and bites you in the ass. Sure, you're happy with the person for a few weeks, but then situations arise and the next thing you know, you're wishing for death for yourself and your significant other. I would love to be with a certain person right now, but unfortunately, things and people prevent that from ever happening. But then I remember that being in "withness" with someone totally sucks and I want to avoid it at all costs. My thoughts are just so mixed up. I guess the point of everything I wrote prior to this is that life sucks, then you die. I think one thing would be really good, but then I think at the same time it will suck, just because nothing in life turns out the way you want it to. Sort of like this book we were reading in comm. [excuse my gayness, but I feel the need for an example.] these people wished on this charm thing that they got 1,000 dollars or something like that. Well, they got their wish but their son had to die for the to get their wish. Nothing good can happen without a shitty consequence factored into it. Damn. Like in soccer this year, sure, we're undefeated, but I totally screwed up my knee for the rest of my life in the process. My dad thinks I should go to an orthopedic doctor for it, but it's not like they could do anything for me that doesn't involve surgery, and I'll be damned if I'm going through knee surgeries. I'd rather just walk with a little limp until I'm 30 or whatever, and then get it. All I need is a strong painkiller that won't make me pass out and I'll be fine. I hate my knee. I hate this friggen brace that I have to wear every day. I hate how I can hardly walk. I just hate everything right now. Today sucked. It needs to end right fucking now. The only thing that was sort of funny today was I was looking at one of Greg's friend's info and they had copy pasted the song I had in mine into their's. So I talked to him for a little and he was rather polite. It always feels so much better when people are polite to you, then when they're a total douche bag about everything. I can't wait until playoffs. The sooner they are, the sooner my knee gets better. I can't wait for that. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

I'm a long way from believing that I'm going to be okay. [Friday, November 14th, 2003 written at 11:45pm] Tonight was fun. Alicia and I dressed up totally ghetto fab for the dance, and we decided if anyone asked us what time era we were supposed to be, we would say 1996 and that we were Biggie and Tu Pac , however you spell his name. I was Biggie and she was Tu Pac. So everyone complimented us on our Ghetto Fabness, and we dizzanced the night away. We went to Jim and Mikes afterwards and we sat with Matt, Mike, Vince, Drew, and Alex for a little. Vince kept trying to take pictures of his wang, and I thought he did and it scared me shitless because I don't want my mom confiscating my pictures and seeing Vince's penis. Rar, I hate these...feelings. I'm not even going to get into it. I hurt my knee in soccer and I had to go home early and Natalie and Ali had to practically carry me off the field because I'm such a gimp. I couldn't walk on Thursday so I didn't go to school. My, oh my, it's so fun laying in the same position for twelve hours straight. I did get a lot of Matrix viewing time in though. Jeez, I want out of this town. Hopefully on Sunday Alicia and I are going to Easton for whatever my mom and dave are going to. That would be nice. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

It's a miracle that we are here today with all the pain we put ourselves through over nothing. [Tuesday, November 11th, 2003 written at 10:36pm] [ mood | annoyed ] During school I had a very nice day. As I was walking upstairs to my locker practically everyone stopped me to see my teeth, and everyone said how good they looked, well, except for one very unpleasant person. He needed a good kick to the head anyway. Tomorrow Stephen is leaving for Florida for like 39024589023 days! It's now down to Mike and I in science because John decided to desert us. This will be no fun at all. I talked to Julia last night. That was sort of weird. We haven't been friends for almost a year now and it's like we've made this unspoken agreement that we don't hate each other anymore. It's still weird talking to her. Ah, whatever. We stopped being friends a year ago so I'm not going to hold anything against her. I don't understand why people use me as an example of what a friend should do. Well, I do, because I am the perfect bad example of what a friend should do. I'm a shitty friend sometimes, and I do shitty things that friends shouldn't do, so why should people use me as an example of what a good friend would do? Ah, it's too hard to explain without explaining the situation first, and I don't feel like explaining the situation. I've been spending countless hours reading about serial killers lately, they're interesting. I have nothing better to do than sit and mope around in my room , listening to depressing music. I need some friends and a life, and friends with a life. Alicia has no life either so there's not much fun in that. I hate school. It needs to burn, along with the people inside of it. I wish people wouldn't drag me into situations that don't even involve me. I hate when that happens, because it just ends up making me mad. I have a damn Spanish test to study for. Enough of prolonging the inevitable. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

I LOVE not having braces. [Monday, November 10th, 2003 written at 2:40pm] After three years and some months of waiting for it, it has finally happened. I got my braces off today and I was so happy. It hurt so much but afterwards they gave me balloons and a waterbottle filled with gum. I didn't have to go to school today so I just sat around and chilled with my gangster self. It was nice. Last night Bianca and I went over Alicia's and we played there for a while which was pretty fun. I have nothing else to say other than I love not having braces. I conclude. You Say You Want A Revelation?

I love soccer. [Sunday, November 9th, 2003 written at 4:39pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] I just can't get over how great this soccer season was. We finished our season today with a win of 4-0 over Elk township. We also finished our season with a record of 9 wins and one tie, which makes us undefeated. So now we have playoffs! Only I wish playoffs were more spread out, they're three games over one weekend. Two on Saturday, one on Sunday. Shucks. Anyway, after our game today our coaches gave each of us a rose which I thought was so unbelievably nice. I'm just so happy right now. I love soccer and I love my team. I'm a flamer, so bite me. But if you were on my team you'd totally understand my unconditional love for the sport and the girls. I get my braces off tomorrow first thing in the morning. That intensifies my happiness by ten. I've had these mothers on for way too long. Last night I watched Matrix: Reloaded which was great, but I didn't understand half of it because I forgot some things about the first one, so I watched the first one today and Jesus fucking Christ, that movie is BOSS. At the end when Neo is all on the phone explaining about the matrix and he walks out of the phone booth and this kick ass music comes on and it doesn't even have to have words, it just explains how unbelievably boss Neo is. I swear, if there was a soundtrack to my life, I would definitely want a song like that incorporated in it somewhere. Well, I love my soccer team and I love how great we did, and I'm going to love being brace-free and I am just happy. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

It's Friday I'm in love. [Friday, November 7th, 2003 written at 11:44pm] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | High - The Cure ] I'm letting this journal go to the wayside and I can't. I give up everything once it gets too grueling or hard, but I need to stop that, starting with this. Man, liking people is too much work and I'm through with it. Trying to play all of those grab-ass games you have to play is just annoying from the beginning. So I'm through. Alicia and I went to the mall tonight. God, I hate the mall. Especially on Friday nights, it's horrible on a weeknight but on a Friday night it's horribleness intensifies by ten. There were so many fat people in there I was afraid I might suffocate. And then all of these "Goths" and "punks". Don't even get me started on them. I swear, fat ugly people only dress that way so they think it will drawl attention away from their fat ugliness, but it doesn't work. TAKE OFF THE FUCKING BLACK LIPSTICK AND DYE YOUR HAIR A NORMAL SHADE, ASSHOLES. They are all just so fake and I want to kick the back of their legs. I love doing that. So Alicia and I both got our Christmas Dance dresses. Mine is just a simple black halter and her's is black and strapless but lucky us, we accessorized! Woot! I also saw Sara and her Nick Nick there so woot to that too. I missed her, I haven't seen her since like September. Haha, Alicia and I were sitting in this shoe store on one of the benches, just staring all around the room and not talking and these three girls walk in and Alicia looks at them and they start saying "HAHA! LOOK AT THAT LOSER! SHE'S TRYING TO EAVESDROP! LOOK AT HER TRYING TO EAVESDROP!" I wanted to throw my shoes at them and then haul ass and run. People like that piss me off. It's like they're so starved for attention that they are flattered when they think someone is eavesdropping on them. It's too bad they're not getting attention from anyone who may matter. Wow, and then we sat in the food court and just watched people for like half an hour. It's crazy how...weird people can look to you, but when I say someone looks weird, it makes me wonder if people say the same things about me. It's strange, because I know they do, but I just wonder what they say. I think that if we were able to read people's minds, life would be ten times easier. So anyway, I refuse to let this journal just fade away and to forget about it. If I do start forgetting about it make sure you slap me as hard as you can. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

You're free at liberty, is this what you want? Sometimes I wonder.. [Tuesday, November 4th, 2003 written at 10:25pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | Hall of Mirrors- The Distillers ] I've been slowly losing my sanity. I walked to my dad's after school, something of which I never do. I sat on the couch and bonded with my dog while we both stared at the blank music channels on the TV listening to whatever happened to be playing on the Techno station. My dog seems depressed. I thought I heard people walking around upstairs five seconds after I went downstairs. It scared the shit out of me. I felt bad for both my dog and my dad because they're there alone sometimes. As I was waiting at the door for my Grandma to come to take me to soccer, I thought that any second some deformed, mutant creature was going to come walking down the steps to devour me whole. When I left I felt bad about leaving my dog there by herself to be eaten. She wasn't though when I got home, although as I was eating dinner and having her bark at me, I wouldn't have minded there being such things as monsters who eat little, annoying beagles. I just want to kick her sometimes. But wouldn't that turn me into a potential serial killer? Well I don't blame them for harming animals, if the animals are annoying. I'd do the same thing. So I went to soccer practice to lose my sanity just a tiny bit more as I had a very heated discussion with Amanda about the characters of Degrassi. I can't believe Craig and Manny, I mean, Craig and Ashley are bad enough...but MANNY? I think it should be more of a Craig-and-Katie deal. That would be great. Talk about Strange Attractions. There are just some freaking weird "couples" popping up now a days and it's grossing me out and it needs to STOP. I'm going to start wearing a bag over my head to school just so I don't have to see these people playing their gay little grab-ass games and stalking each other out at each other's lockers. Jeez, I could get started for hours on this topic. I'll just stop where I'm at. It's better to stay on neutral ground and not go over the edge anymore, it's not worth it. So Alicia and I took a long walk again. We walked down Matt's street and we could see through his windows into his room. It was sort of funny. I found two leaves. I conclude. 1 Revel In This/You Say You Want A Revelation?

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ] [ go | earlier ]