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mood |
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 exhausted |
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music |
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Jason Mraz - I'm Yours |
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I've been too moodswing-y, lately (let's all pray its PMS, whoo.) and just today, I vented to a friend of mine about almost everything bugging me. Unfortunately, I don't think I did it right. I will never understand getting upset at upset people, to be completely honest, but he has his own issues to sort out, so.
What's the correct protocol for offloading onto someone? See, I made a faux pas when I said 'I'd normally do this with someone else, because I doubt you'll be neutral', which I think upset him a lot. Right. But the thing is (and the thing always is) that when you're near tears about things, you're not thinking of what you're saying, you're just babbling. So, essentially, even if you are upset about the selfishness of other people, you end up being the selfish one for the period where you're venting. That's hypocrisy, isn't it? It probably is. It usually is.
In addition to the venting-about-things-he'd-not-be-neutral-about, I tried to explain why I was upset after leaving Singapore, and why I was upset about some of you guys being upset (ignore me, I am apparently an emotional sponge.) and he said 'you need to separate yourself from things there, because you're far away and you don't know everything that's going on etc.' Which is rational. It is!
But it sort of really managed to upset me even more. See, I love you guys. All of you. It's a wrench thinking that I'm not going to be there for things, that I wasn't there for things. It hurt when I realised I wasn't going to graduate with you, to get my results with you, start JC with you, do stupid things, be bored, bitch about everything and just BE with you.
When I came back this time, it hurt an unholy amount to leave. I couldn't separate myself from things (because I'm an emotional sponge. All hail the emotional sponge.) and for a week, I was sucked into everything. It's odd to say this, I guess, but what I miss most is just the normal days. The company, the randomness of the conversations, the inanities. When I left, it felt like everything was being taken away from me all over again.
And, I guess he's right. I guess I shouldn't get involved in situations, it's better if I don't know everything that's going on. But it feels like I'm drifting away when I don't know. I understand (again with the rationality!) that people grow apart, that it's changing together that holds people together. But. Butbutbut. Surely, there's a loophole somewhere there that'll allow me to stay close to you guys? Somewhere in the laws of nature, a tiny clause that'll let us out of growing apart, make sure we always have something to talk about. Make sure we never get to the point where we don't know why were ever friends?
I guess I just never want to be in a situation where I find myself feeling like a stranger in the presence of someone I once loved.
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cheerful
calm