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(Wanna Heal)

SO MUCH FUN! [30 Dec 2005|02:19am]
[ mood | crazy ]

Take my Quiz on!

yay! This is a quiz that I made up so go take it and see how much you know about me! hehe And then make one yourself and Ill see how much I know about you. :)

(4 Wanna Feel | Wanna Heal)

Well..... [15 Dec 2005|01:31am]
[ mood | cold ]

All I want is Family. Seems to be...I have none this Christmas. Everyones fighting over the will...and shes gone. Atleast theres one person in my life that likes to shed some Christmas cheer for me. Wow..I just really truly miss her. Oh..I wish that people that I know still say shit behind my back just stop and move on. No I dont date people just to have sex with them...nor have I ever had sex with a guy at Atomic Comix...Or..that I like a boy one week and then lead them on and drop them like old hat. Joe was the first guy that I had sex with....and I was 18 at the time...I worked at Atomic's before that when I was living on my own..When I met Joe and dated Joe I was working at TGI Fridays and then to Discover. So..thats impossible. lol And the fact that while single I like a lot of boys..well..Im happens. So Im little boy ;) Im not like that when Im dating someone..and Id never ever break up someone bc they wouldnt have sex with me?? That sounds like something that guys have done to me..why would I do it to someone else? LAME. Any other rumors? Oh ya...I like Tim and none of anyones business beyond that. I dont like anyone else currently, I havent for a long time. Ever since Brian, the boy crazy thing just died pretty much. Anything else? Let me know so I can clear it up. Honestly, I think that its really stupid that people try to make me look bad. What is there to gain? If anything? .....ya. Oh well..its not like I wasnt having a great holiday already..thanks. Just leave me alone...please.

(Wanna Heal)

[08 Dec 2005|05:55pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

IM FRAZZLED!!! AAACK! I wanna pass all of my classes...all nighter here I come. :P

PS.....fuckin period and all of its crazy emoness it brings upon me. haha *sigh*

(Wanna Heal)

Lame Rant *just for the heads up* [07 Dec 2005|09:55pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

I hate my makes my emotions go all flippity-do...ya. I missed Grammy today..I cant stop crying about it..but just the other day and earlier today I was happy. Its like Im missing something.

PS..yes the rumors are true..I play WOW now..and I like it. Im a total nerd/dork, awesome. One day with that mentality Ill go out and make wayyy more money than any of those jerks in highschool that dared to call me a nerd like as if they were better than me. The best part? I see them now prego or working at places where they make my food. Just as how it should be. Go to school dammit. I am regardless of my pains of my losses. Atleast Im trying. Sorry I was just ranting. It happens.

(1 Wanna Feel | Wanna Heal)

So remember... [30 Nov 2005|11:55am]
[ mood | lazy ]

How wierd I felt last night? Well I had a crazy dream that black snakes lived in the carpet and were attacking me. I even woke up freakin out b/c one had jumped on me. This is what I found out about them.

To see a snake or be bitten by one in your dream, signifies hidden fears and worries that are threatening you. Your dream may be alerting you to something in your waking life that you are not aware of or that has not yet surfaced. The snake may also be seen as phallic and thus symbolize dangerous and forbidden sexuality. The snake may also refer to a person around you who is callous, ruthless, and can't be trusted. As a positive symbol, snakes represent transformation, knowledge and wisdom. It is indicative of self-renewal and positive changes.

(Wanna Heal)

[29 Nov 2005|11:38pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

Im freakin out all of the sudden..Its hard to breathe and I cant shake this headache. I donno what to do. It feels like something really bad is about to happen...but Im not sure what. Ive been feeling sick all day. Everything smells bad to me..I dont know what it is. wierd...

(1 Wanna Feel | Wanna Heal)

So glad hes not home [26 Nov 2005|03:44pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

In a world were everyone talks about eachother..and everyone makes fun of one another does it make sense to call one out on it? When you yourself know that you are guilty of the same device? Everyone hates to be talked about yet they wont talk to eachother about it. And when they do everyone just seems to have their own opinions on the situtation. Why do people believe that they are above human nature? But that when they want to hear what is said about them all they do is throw a fit and try to look better. WE all are victims of this so why does it continue? I suppose it starts when one does finally go up and talk to another and they got shot down must be the reason why people never talk to eachother truthfuly. Like if you herd something and whether or not it was true the person came up to you and told you about it, atleast they are being honest. It backfires when they go into defence mode and try to rip them apart. But the interesting thing is..they will then trun around and say something about it either to themselves or another person. I think this is the reason why we dont talk to eachother anymore about whats really going on b/c it never seems to help in the end anyways. B/c at one point we all had the door shut in our face for being honest so we choose not to anymore. This causes the making fun of or the gossip. WE all do it..and will continue to do it until we can figure out a way to get over ourselves. None of us are innocent..and none of us have any room to bring down another for doing the one thing that we do ourselves. The only thing that Ive figured out is to just try to be honest until the door is shut and then...and then well I dont know anymore. How do you be honest with someone that does think that they are innocent? Or someone that talks about you too when you arent around why would you want to be the better person. When it comes right down to it..we all still do it anyway? And what is the better person? Is it keeping your trap shut? Which is doesnt seem possible. B/c even elderly people talk about eachother. Or that when the door is shut in your face to just keep talking and dont stop the honesty? Sometimes it just seems easier to just drop it and move on but words leave scars that stay around longer than scars from a fight. What do you think?

(Wanna Heal)

haha ok one more [24 Nov 2005|12:56am]
You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 7/10 correct!

this one was pretty funny considering I suck at math! But then was 8th grade math...LAME! lol

(1 Wanna Feel | Wanna Heal)

I got bored! lol [24 Nov 2005|12:40am]
[ mood | lazy ]

Your Personality Profile

You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.

You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

You Are A Friendly Ex

You and your ex are just friends - great friends really.
(At least that's what you keep telling yourself!)
While civility is a good thing, make sure you're not secretly wanting more...

Your Band Name is:

The Screaming Pickles

(Wanna Heal)

Randomness [23 Nov 2005|12:52am]
[ mood | happy ]

Today...was awesome. I am the happiest that I have been in a long time. Im really glad this is happening to me. And soon..the world shall know of my happiness! :D

(1 Wanna Feel | Wanna Heal)

Your eyes remind me of the sky... [19 Nov 2005|01:00am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

IM SO HAPPY! RAWR!!!!! :DDDDDD Today...was a good day. I hope to have more of them. yay! Oh and Im excited about tommorow hanging out with the house and maybe Jen if she calls me back!! *STARE* lol jk Oh and then on Sunday Im going with Jaime for a free facial! Things are definatly lookin up for me. *knocks on wood* hehe

(1 Wanna Feel | Wanna Heal)

So you think Im on the wrong territory? [17 Nov 2005|04:05am]
[ mood | crappy ]

hmmm isnt that interesting? Thats all I have to say. Ill be writing somewhere new from now on and Ill let my friends that I want to read go read. B/c honestly its my life and I dont need anyone to tell me whether or not they justify my life. It my fucking life people get the hell over it and worry about your own damn lives for a bit. I dont pry into just leave me alone please. Ill respect your privacy if you respect mine, that is all that I ask for. Thank you.

(4 Wanna Feel | Wanna Heal)

[08 Nov 2005|09:41pm]
[ mood | amused ]

haha the new icon is my eye! YES see I can wear make-up...I

(Wanna Heal)

[04 Nov 2005|05:32pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Went to the funeral...everyone loved my eyes are swollen from tears. Talk more later.

(Wanna Heal)

My speech for tommorow [03 Nov 2005|10:08pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Everyone has different memories of Grammy. A few weeks back she had asked me to read a letter that was written to her from one of CM’s grandchildren Amanda. She had expressed to me that she felt that the letter explains what she felt the grandkids felt of her. And though our memories and relationships were different with her the feeling of love and respect for her was still the same.

Dear Clara,

When mom told me that you had gotten sick again, I asked God why he wanted to take you away from us. In all of my selfishness I wanted you to stay and be here with all of us. This last week has been a hard one for everyone. I love you Clara, and I will always hold you in the up most respect. You are the strongest woman that I know. I now know why God wants you to be one of his angels in Heaven, because you’ve been angels on Earth for all of these years. My appreciation for the unconditional love that you’ve given my family is inexpressible. I just want you to know that I love you and always will.

The letter expressed her representation of Grammy, I wrote as well a poem that I read to her that she wanted read as well to express the feelings of the grandkids.


In life,
If you are lucky;
You will be blessed with people that inspire,
And have touched hundreds of lives without ever taking credit.

My grandmother was one of those people;
Words that were used to describe her;
And friendship is what she believed in.

She was there for us,
Even when asked not to be.

From our days up at Pockets,
To our final hours;
She always held her head up high.

She will never have to worry of not being remembered,
When years later we will all still remember the little things;
Different memories for each,
But still just as important,
For it reminds us all,
Lucky to be blessed to of had such a great woman in our lives.

Our words may have been different but the feeling and the thought were the same; that we both loved her very much as all of us did.

(2 Wanna Feel | Wanna Heal)

[02 Nov 2005|01:07am]
I found out today that I like to clean when Im dealing with depression over my grandmothers passing. I cleaned the whole house and was doing laundry..than I went to Peters and started cleaning there and will continue it tommorow. Brian has changed...but I dont know for the worst or the better. hm Life sucks..its so hard not to cry...A week off school..meh.

(1 Wanna Feel | Wanna Heal)

A day that will live forever [31 Oct 2005|09:00pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Nothing Else Matters~Metalica ]

My hands shake, but my heart beats slowly today. Today my Grammy passed away. I know that it was comming...I just didnt think that it would happen well today. I fuckin hate the month of October. It sucks so much. I cant believe that shes gone. I just even comprehend it. I dont want to leave my mother alone..and all she wants is to be left alone. I couldnt go in and see the body. It just wasnt isnt how I want to remember her. A part of me wishes that I was there. My therapist says that most people dont "transistion" till the loved ones are gone. And my mother and aunt wnet home for a little R&R and CM went to take a nap. Thats when it happend. I am however proud of myself bc Im being so strong..eventhough I dont need to be. I havent cut. And that is a huge accomplishment for me. B/c I should have by now...I should be..well Im not so enough said. Nothing else matters....Wind I have to remember wind..My therapist told me to remember wind and thats her. That Grammy told her to tell me that she wants to dance now....whatever that means. Im glad that I was able to say goodbye...Im glad that she knows that I love her with every part of me that can love a family member. A mother, sister, friend, nurse, and my grandmother; she was all of these things but shell always be Grammy to me. Windchimes..

Brian and Peter has been with me a lot of the day.. Im so glad that Im not alone on this day.

(2 Wanna Feel | Wanna Heal)

Medicare is a lot on the plate of life [20 Oct 2005|02:15am]
[ mood | awake ]

So I cant sleep. Im not sure why but I just cant. I went to bed at 8:30..but now Im up. LAME. I feel tired..but as soon as I close my eyes I start to think of school..or my grandmother. I've been going up there everyday pretty much to see her. Its so hard to want to go to school right now b/c of this..I know that I need to but this isnt just lame drama...or a car situtation. Its family. And thats a whole new ball game. I talked to my Therapist about it but its such a grey area. I think that tommorow Ill make an appointment to see my school counciler and see what she says. I mean, since thats all she deals with is school stuff she might be able to help me out some. I feel bad b/c Im becoming short with people and cant hide the fact that Im really depressed. All masks are off now. Honestly, all I want to do is sleep my life away. But I cant and I know that I would regret it..but still its hard. The hospital is tryin to figure out where to put her for her final resting days..everyone wants her to come home. But I just know that shes ready to go "home".

(2 Wanna Feel | Wanna Heal)

Shes leaving soon. [16 Oct 2005|10:02pm]
[ mood | Lost/Devastated ]
[ music | The Scientist~Cold Play ]

My grandmother has 2 weeks..yeah life has offically stopped and all I can think about is her. Im so lost. Ive been going to therapy but still I cant even grasp that she wont be there for my birthday...or chirstmas. wow that last holiday was really hard to type out. I really need my friends. I just want a hug..someone to just let me cry out that I in deep pain that she will no longer be here. My mom wont let me b/c shes dealing with her pain in another way. It sucks trying to hold it in infront of her. I know have to be there for her...but who will be there for me? I dont care about anything else...brian or school friends...I just..I mean I do just I cant stop focusing on her. I love you Grammy..I love you with all of my heart.

(1 Wanna Feel | Wanna Heal)

What if I was blonde?? [16 Oct 2005|12:05am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | Dearly Beloved~Kingdom Hearts ]

What do you think?? Its a wig for my halloween costume but its close to my natural color donno. hmmmm

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