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You caught me lingering in another girl's paradise [18 Sep 2003|01:39pm] [ mood | pessimistic ] who are you now and who were you then that you thought somehow you could just pretend that you could figure it all out the mathematics of regret so it takes two beers to remember now and five to forget that i loved you so yeah, i loved you, so what Forget the silly love songs, the stupid pickup lines, the begging and pleading. You know me better than that, that I'm not the type to crawl on my knees for anyone or anything. I'm not as weak as all of that, but you knew my addiction. You knew my weakness. Even the tallest mountain will eventually break down after eons of rain, wind, and wear. I loved you like you were the only woman in the entire world, because in my heart, you were. How long has it been now? I can't even remember. I knew then you didn't love me quite the way I loved you, and I see now the very same thing. Back then, I gave in, cut my losses, and got out with what dignity I had left. And I think it would be wise if I did the same thing now, before it happens again. You can stay in my house for as long as you wish.. I told you that you, your brother, and your son were welcome, and I won't take that back now. Just don't bring.. her.. into my home. There's nothing quite like unrequited love to clear the senses and help a girl see clearly again. 1 comment|post comment

You're the fiercest calm I've been in [16 Sep 2003|02:06pm] [ mood | restless ] [ music | Tori Amos ] "..the human heart never broke. No, it just regrew with life like the wildflowers that came back each Spring. We sleep, dreaming-- dreaming, dreaming of life, the dream." post comment

To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heavens [12 Sep 2003|09:21pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | "Turn, Turn, Turn" ~ the Birds ] Yesterday.. yesterday brought the end of one long, painful chapter in my life, and the unexpected start of a radically different one. Who's to say when one stopped and the other began.. perhaps it was seeing the one person I respected more than anyone else in the world despite what anyone else said.. the indestructible, untouchable one that was always so near, and yet so far away.. seeing her sitting in a muddy puddle in a cold, rainy street, sniffling from sickness and remorse, asking for forgiveness for something that has haunted my mind for months now. It was strange.. seeing her there, slumped on the ground in obvious pain, while I stood, rain-soaked, shivering, and bewildered. Part of me wanted to take her into my arms and-- well, I wanted to make things less tense, as they had been only moments before our rocky past was mentioned. But instead, I did something I hadn't done in.. hell, years. I had learned, after living on my own for so long, and struggling to survive, how to build these walls. And I discovered all the ways to hide your pain, never letting anyone see. Within minutes, I was reduced to tears. There's no doubt that she saw it.. I was embarrassed, but it felt.. refreshing. Like a load had been lifted from my shoulders. Now? I don't know. I can't even fathom what's supposed to happen next. My head is telling me to be reasonable.. that I want to run away.. rebuild the protective fortress and forget yesterday happened at all. But even more, I can't ignore the fact that I want to know what will happen next. I've always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.. 2 comments|post comment

[12 Sep 2003|12:42am] [ mood | indescribable ] ..I've had an interesting day. 1 comment|post comment

[29 Aug 2003|02:00pm] [ mood | cynical ] [ music | Ani Difranco ] ( Untouchable Face ) post comment

Untouchable face [12 Aug 2003|01:42am] [ mood | indifferent ] I should update now before I'm booted out of the "cool kid's" club. I generally don't have much to say except a few random lyrics and the like, but today I shall not disappoint. Despite the fact that I'm tired and this won't be the award-winning entry I probably could bullshit through.. yeah. I spoke to Angelina today, which was.. surprising, but very refreshing. We are supposed to go out on Thursday, and I was told to feel "sexy".. so I'm not entirely sure what to make of this. But, overall, I'm excited. We were close, months ago, until she started seeing Ryan. Then.. I don't know. She became distant. I suppose I distanced myself as well. I'm still not.. quite in the same place as I was before. But I suppose Angie has that affect on people. I've seen quite a few of my old costars lately. Besides Angie there's Brittany, Sarah, Freddie, Matthew.. I'm not sure the latter two even remember me from She's All That, but that's alright. I'm not entirely famous, myself. For this I'm thankful. No one stalks me with a camera. I don't see my name in the tabloids, and I don't discover random tidbits about myself, such as who I'm supposedly dating.. or, at least, sleeping with. I may not make millions on a film, but I don't much care. Money has never meant that much to me. Fame isn't what I've ever strived for.. ( Willing To Fight ) 6 comments|post comment

Out of habit [01 Aug 2003|12:32am] [ mood | lethargic ] art is why i get up in the morning but my definition ends there and it doesn't seem fair that i'm living for something i can't even define there you are right there in the meantime i don't want to play for you anymore show me what you can do tell me what are you here for i want my old friends i want my old face i want my old mind fuck this time and place Ah.. what the hell. post comment

Any tool is a weapon if you hold it right [14 Jul 2003|05:58pm] "When I was four years old they tried to test my IQ, they showed me this picture of three oranges and a pear. They asked me which one is different and does not belong, they taught me different was wrong." (Ani Difranco) 2 comments|post comment

Disco inferno [10 Jul 2003|01:16pm] [ mood | indifferent ] Some days I just want to stay home and avoid the world. It's unhealthy. And the more I digress, the less I feel like I have to say. However, I realized long ago that it really doesn't matter what I say here, since no one reads it anyway so.. dippy cheese goat legs. I need to get out, but my lack of destination is discouraging. I feel as if the past few months of my life have been pointless and needlessly painful. I need to change it all. Meet new people. See new places. Get over something that wasn't meant to be. Stop feeling sorry for myself and live. And yet, here I am. My thoughts stuck in the same bottomless pit that it was was back then. Oh, your gaze is dangerous And you fill your space so sweet If I let you get too close You'll set your spell on me So darlin' I just wanna say Just in case I don't come through I was on to every play I just wanted you But, oh, it's so evil, my love, the way you've no reverence to my concern So I'll be sure to stay wary of you, love, to save the pain of Once my flame and twice my burn 1 comment|post comment

You're the fiercest calm I've been in [09 Jul 2003|05:13pm] [ mood | listless ] I disappeared. During the past few months, I've felt as if I'm just going through the motions. Faking my reality. Everyday I wake up to the same old distractions, too afraid to be anywhere near the things I actually long for. I don't want to be the desperate puppy, starving for attention.. jumping up and down trying to get attention from his master. So my existance is thus: find someone to be a momentary filler of the void in my soul, force a smile for anyone who might be looking, and hide inside my head. Does any of this actually make sense to anyone but myself? I doubt that anyone has ever understood me the way I desire. I can be a stranger to my closest friends, and my family. Especially now. Now that I've distanced myself from all the people I once knew. It's my own fault. I know. I've been sleeping in the past few days. I don't feel like getting out of bed, so I don't. It's childish, I know, but my bed is comfortable and I don't feel like seeing very many people. Does this make me anti-social or just ridiculous? I went to the grocery store today and got scared because there were "too many people" in the frozen food aisle. Maybe there's something wrong with my head. Maybe a screw fell loose up there. And. This makes no sense either, does it? Moving on. I watched Girl, Interrupted on TV the other day, and I cried. I haven't spoken to Angelina in.. Lord, who knows how long. I'm worried. We used to be so close, a few months ago, and then we both seemed to vanish. I don't think she ever really understood the way I felt about her. But I don't really feel like thinking about this anymore. It's been on my mind too much the past few months. And my mind is exhausted. post comment

[28 May 2003|09:10pm] She came back. 1 comment|post comment

Dark night [09 May 2003|01:42am] [ mood | pensive ] I'm not sure who wrote this.. but I like it and its abstract reasoning, and it sums up how I feel at the moment.. Moonlight floods the end of my bed. I wonder, has frost fallen? Sitting up, I look at the moon. Lying back, I think of home. Lately... I've been elusive. I apologize. I've been lost in my thoughts lately. It seems as if everyone is miserable these days. Passionate relationships are failing, strong men and women are becoming desperate and lonely. And here I am. Simply observing. In all honesty, I have no desire to be in a relationship anymore. I guess one too many rejections have gotten the better of me now. I think the thing I miss most about being in an intimate relationship (and by intimate I do not mean having sex.. I mean loving someone, and being loved, and being serious) is waking up with someone beside you without thinking "Oh God, what did I do?" Not that that happens to me often... I'm a good girl, when it comes down to sleeping with someone. But just waking up with someone next to you, or waking up in someone's arms... it's such a safe feeling. Like nothing can go wrong. Is it worth the pain? I guess, at this point of my life... it's not. Heh. 2 comments|post comment

[06 May 2003|09:02pm] Mr. T says: I pity the fool who doesn't see "Identity"! ...I'll update for real. Someday. 6 comments|post comment

Jelly beans and TV screens [21 Apr 2003|12:38am] Thought of the day: Jelly beans: What the hell? This is the first year I've actually eaten them, and now I feel like I'm going to hurl.. *throws a chocolate bunny at the wall* So I haven't updated in a while. I haven't spoken to many of my friends either. I don't think an excuse is really necessary, therefore I won't bother giving one. As for now, I have a cold of some sort, so I'm pretty miserable. I spent Easter working, so it wasn't all that thrilling. I've never been big on Easter, mostly because I'm not really big on religion. But I still got an Easter basket from my neighbor, the sweetest older women I've ever met. I just wish I knew when to stop eating this candy. I'm getting fat..ter. I turned on the TV earlier and the first thing I see is me screaming like mad in a commercial for Identity. I got scared and turned the TV off quickly, then laughed at my stupidity. I really dislike seeing myself performing, especially look stupid like that. But already people are beginning to recognize me more, just from the commercials alone. Believe it or not, I'm not the most well-known actress around *dry laugh* I rather like it this way, though. I'm never stalked followed by photographers. My business stays my business. And yet I'm still doing what I love to do, and I've been very lucky with the rolls I've had. I'm content with my career. Have I mentioned that I love my daughter? She's such a sweet girl, and she always says something to me when I'm online. Ahh... I just sneezed all over the computer. Eck. Clea needs sleep. 3 comments|post comment

[11 Apr 2003|12:42am] I was browsing the "New Age" section of the book store today, because that stuff intrigues me. And I bought a book about birthdays, that tells you your personality based on your... birthday, obviously. So, being that I was... really bored, I typed down some of your birthdays. Mostly just the people I could think of off the top of my head. If I got your birthday wrong, I give you permission to slap me. And if I didn't get you... I'm sorry? ( Me : September 25 ) ( Josh : July 21 ) ( Angie : June 4 ) ( Brittany : November 10 ) ( Winona : October 29 ) ( Ryan : September 10 ) ( Leo : November 11 ) ( Maj : February 20 ) ( Meech : October 11 ) ( Norah : March 30 ) ( Sarah : April 14 ) 13 comments|post comment

[10 Apr 2003|03:49am] I feel very... distant. I tried to visit with everyone today, but something just felt weird, so I left. I almost feel as if I don't belong here. Or as if I never did in the first place. Angie was the one who bothered asked me to join in the first place, and since it's Angie, I couldn't say no and here I was. I think she's the only reason people ever gave me a chance.. *laughs slightly, shaking her head slowly* Maybe I'm just crazy. Never in my life have I felt the urge to fit in. I'm not the type to change the person I am to be accepted as one of the crowd. I'm the kind of girl that generally melts into the background and never seems to mind if she goes unnoticed. I'm a shy person by nature. But I think it's getting worse. It's practically agoraphobia now (in a few words, a fear of being in public). I'd rather sit at home all day by myself than go out and mingle because I feel like people are staring at me. Yep. I think this defintely registers as craziness. Something feels wrong in my life. And I can't put a finger on what it could be. 4 comments|post comment

[08 Apr 2003|03:21am] So. What a day. I've been avoiding everyone, just taking time to think and relax. Anna and I are no more. I guess I'm not entirely surprised, since she left about a week ago. I really don't know what to think about the whole experience. It was fun while it lasted...? I really don't feel entirely depressed, which is odd because I'm "always emo," as people seem to say. I think being independent for a while might do me some good. I would rather be alone than be waiting by the phone. And... that rhymed. Lately I've found that people have to come to me for advice. I'm like a psychiatrist all of a sudden. I'm not sure why, and I really don't mind trying to help. But I never say a word about my problems. I guess I assume no one wants to hear it, or they'll accuse me once again of being "emo." I'm handling things alright on my own. But sometimes I wish I had someone to turn to. Someone I really and truly trust. I have trust issues, I think, especially in the wake of another failed relationship. I guess I should take it as a compliment that people feel they can lean on me. I want to help everyone, even if it's impossible in the literal sense. The least I can do is listen to them. I'm a good listener *nods absently* Everyone seems to be having babies lately. I'm a little taken back by all of this, partially I'm not exactly the most maternal woman in the world and I can't imagine what it must be like to be in their shoes. But I'm happy for everyone. I love childen, don't get me wrong. But I think I like my sleep too much to ever consider having a child. I would adopt, anyway. Maddox is the coolest little guy ever. Seeing Angie playing with him just makes me smile. The bond between a mother and child is incredible. I'm sure Brittany will be a great mother too. Next Noni will get pregnant. Then I'll really be scared. A little jiggling baby... the world isn't ready for that yet. On a completely different note, Natasha has a journal now. Have I mentioned that I love Natasha? We worked together in "But I'm a Cheerleader." She's such a sweetheart, has a brilliant sense of humor, and she smokes. That is what I call Clea's perfect girl *laughs* And that's my ego-boosting of the day. 7 comments|post comment

Across the Universe [06 Apr 2003|03:33am] I used to be in bed by nine. Sleep until the morning, wake up, do what I have to do. So why is it 3 AM (damn Daylight Savings..), and I'm still awake? This is really unusual for me, but I can't sleep. I guess I have a lot on my mind right now. Things have been insane lately. I leave for one day, come back, and one of my friends is pregnant? I don't even know what to say about it, so I won't say a thing. I'm concerned, but I don't want to make things any worse. I haven't heard from Anna in days... *sighs and shakes her head* I don't know what to say about that either. I guess I trust too easily, and I'm beginning to wonder if she was just... someone else, someone I didn't know. We did rush things, but I thought it was different with her. I hate to give up now, but I think she already has. I've been lost in my head the past few days. Thinking about life, love, happiness... all the things everyone takes for granted while they're alive, until it's too late to be thankful for them. If Anna is gone then... well, then what? I was wrong about someone else, and my feelings were wrong? And that's that? I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I'm worried. I really thought she was something special. Someone I could see myself with years from now. I feel lost. And yet I don't feel entirely depressed. Is that strange? On the brink of heartbreak, I feel strangely calm, albeit the worry. The lyrics "Nothing's gonna change my world" keep repeating in my mind. What does this all mean? This entry made sense to me. 1 comment|post comment

:/ [04 Apr 2003|02:18am] ( Never is a Promise... ) 2 comments|post comment

[02 Apr 2003|10:55pm] Hmm. I should update, but I really have nothing of substance to babble about. So I'll just give some shout-outs *shrugs* Don't be offended if I don't mention you, please. I don't want to get 100 angry replies. Anna needs to update. I need something to read, and I don't want her getting kicked out of Stellar for inactivity. Fiona is a great girl. I was fortunate enough to be able to speak to her today, if only briefly. You should all be so lucky. Mike is my secret lover. Cam is my idol. I'm not sure if Maj is still bugged by my April Fools joke *laughs* It was a good one though, wasn't it? Josh is the greatest man ever to walk the earth. Period. Ryan survived another Drucie encounter.... *laughs* Leo is now Lea, and Clea is Cleo. Confused yet? Me too. 1 comment|post comment

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