| My First Day Back On Anti Depressants?? |
[23 Sep 2006|02:32am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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Sat here wondering if to take the little tablet that is in front of me, i hate taking any kind of medication but it's worse because i don't even know if this kind of anti depressant is going to make any difference to my life. I hate the side effects that come with anti depressants too, one of the common side effects with this particular medication is increased appetite/weight gain.. great, i'm already having a hard enough time shifting the weight i've put on. :(
I've tried citalopram (20 and 40 mg) and venlafaxine 75mg before, the citalopram didn't have much effect on me apart from the side effects (dizziness/sickness etc) but the venlafaxine i stopped taking after a couple of times because the side effects were so bad that it made me wake up hot, being sick, dizzy and generally not able to function at all. So now i'm on mirtazapine 30mg, which i have had before but i didn't take really (i think i took half a tablet as directed on my first day to ease me into it) as i'd given up on anti depressants by the time they were given to me.
I've been without medication for a long long time now - about 2 years in fact, but recently started seeing a psychologist for some cognitive therapy, which i hope will help but she recommended that i took anti depressants in conjunction with the therapy. I have missed 3 appointments so far out of about 10-12 ish (i can't even remember how many) but that's good going for me as the first time i started seeing a psychologist 3 years ago, i only went to my first appointment and then never again. Sometimes i forget, and sometimes i just don't feel up to going.. it's a real pain because i'm never going to beat depression if i don't force myself to go to these appointments, but the only way i can force myself is if my depression is getting better. I just feel so stuck in a vicious circle and i don't know how to get out of it.. or even if i will get out of it.
I think i'll start taking them another day.
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| One Of The Readings At The Funeral |
[19 Sep 2006|03:12am] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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Heaven's Latest Angel
"Silently, one by one, in the infinite meadows of heaven, blossomed the lovely stars, the forget-me-nots of Angels"
Such a little girl
Living grown up dreams
Shooting for the sky
With a smile and eyes that beam
Her living an example
Her death was a surprise
Heaven's latest angel
Finally gets to fly.
She touched so many lives
She made us see the light
Dreams are only dreams
Unless we live them day and night
Her life here may have ended
But her soul will never die
Heaven's latest angel
Finally gets to fly.
Nothing left to ground her
Spirit ... finally free
The world hers' to discover
"From sea to shining sea"
Yearning for the blue skies
As she waves one last good-bye
Heaven's latest angel
Finally gets to fly
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| Funeral Today |
[18 Sep 2006|11:10am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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Really not looking forward to this, i'm not ready to say goodbye.. but then i guess i never will be.
R.I.P Claire, you will be missed. xx
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| Bad News Today. |
[07 Sep 2006|12:36pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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My mum rang a short while ago and told me that my cousin, Claire had been found hung this morning at 6am. In a state of shock i guess, and absolutely gutted. How will i get over this one?!
We shared the same name (well first and middle) and she's only 2-3 months younger than me (25).. such a brutal way to end it, she must have been really determined to do it.
It's playing on my mind because it's just so hard to process.. or get over.
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[16 May 2006|05:04am] |
Here's my tracker.. let's hope it moves down quickly.
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| Today, It Starts.. |
[16 May 2006|04:10am] |
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depressed |
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music |
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VH1 on the box. |
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Well, today is the day that i start my dieting.. feeling a bit shit because i weighed myself and didn't like the outcome, although my scales are dodgy so going to also weigh myself in town tomorrow (and buy some new scales).
At least i'm now taking a positive step to lose the weight i've gained since having depression, and i should be back to my size 8-10 (uk size) sooner rather than later. Going to really get going with exercise and cooking all my gorgeous healthy meals, as i can cook and i am good at it.. i just generally lack the motivation to do so because of having depression.. but enough is enough, if i lose the weight i've gained i should also start to feel better about myself and if i feel better about myself then maybe i'll start feeling more optimistic about tackling my depression and getting myself back to the person i was before all the bad stuff happened.
This is the theory anyway.. in practice it may not be so simple, but here's hoping as that's all i can do so far and i really do hope. I would love to start living the life of a normal 25 year old, without any of the past traumas hanging over me, holding me back and stopping me from being happy.
I'm going to start the weight watchers plan again that i did well on last year, will wait a while before attending meetings again though, but i can still follow the plan itself and that means i will be writing down everything i eat so i can track better, and not cheat myself into thinking i've eaten less than i actually have. It's so easy to 'forget' those 2 pieces of chocolate that somebody gave to you.. or the couple of crisps you've pinched off your friend.. because 'they don't count' - but they do, they count a lot.
I spent ages thinking i hadn't really put that much weight on, because a lot of my clothes still fit me.. ok they didn't look as good, but i was in denial. It's only now that i realise how much i've put on that it's shocked me out of the denial and into action mode. I'm hoping that this realisation will help me be more successful this time around on the weight watchers plan as i now know easily the weight can pile on without you realising, or at least without you admitting it to yourself.
I'm hoping to have lost at least a stone by 6th of June.. and then i will take it from there. Hopefully by the end of the year i'll be slim again.
Today i will take a photo of myself at my current weight and put it onto photo paper and then stick to my fridge with a magnet.. hopefully that will act as a deterrant to me eating if i'm not necessarily hungry.. or at least will make me make something healthy.
Wish me luck. x
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| Well.. Here I Am Again.. |
[09 May 2006|04:19pm] |
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 calm |
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music |
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Got The TV On. |
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It's been a while since i've been on here (years in fact i do believe), but have only recently remembered i had this and have realised that it may be a good thing to track things i do in order to motivate myself further.. and also to remember it all too lol.
A lot has happened since i first joined up:
* I turned 25 (ouch, thankfully only a few months ago though),
* I've changed career path and am currently swatting up on IT stuff so i can get a good job once i go back to proper work,
* I've got engaged
* I'm buying a house with my gorgeous fiance
So as you can see, there's a lot that can be written about on here these days, which is another reason why i have started this up again. I have made all my other entries on here from before private as i don't want to clog up this blog with old stuff that is irrelevant.
A big part of this blog will be dedicated to my weight loss.. as i feel that writing out how i am doing will help me to identify things that work well for me, and also i can use it to motivate myself to carry on as i can then see the progress i am making.
Also i will track the progress of our house purchase and the work we are going to do to it to make it all nice and modern inside and including doing the garden up, the engagement party and wedding planning, gaining my IT qualifications, and even probably a bit dedicated to my moneysaving and getting out of debt too.
I shall leave this entry here. 
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| Oh My!!!! |
[03 Nov 2002|03:00am] |
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mood |
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music |
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Leanne Rymes - How Do i Live |
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Someone just sent me this....
Roses Are Red, dasies are white
Roses Are Red, daisies are white
I like f?nger?ng myself, but mainly at nite
My finger got tired tho so I bought a vibrator
That didnt please me so payed for a fuck a week later
Went into prostitution, charging 2 pence a time
Got a sexually transmitted disease, And died 5 months later down the line...!
Well, nice life that person had lol!!
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| Well Hello!! |
[30 Oct 2002|03:04am] |
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 okay |
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music |
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Layo And Bushwacka - Love Story |
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Just registered this as bein my journal....dont know what the content is gonna be as yet but im sure ill find out soon, and when i do, you'll be the first to know!! I do already have a UJournal at the moment which was my first ever online journal My UJournal Let me know if u add me as a friend so that i can add you back!!
I guess thats all i have to say for now, so u'll be readin me again soon i hope!!
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