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so i was reading some fanfic i got off Kayla, when Emmi decided to revive our dead chat room with a question:
************ (2:09:52 AM): kayla, miss kitty, are you happy? in general, i mean, not like, at this moment because you're listening to a good song or whatever. why or why not?
and revive our conversation it did..
for you see, happiness is not something easily defined. everyone's got their own way of putting it. even me. feel free to skip this post, as i'm probably going to fill it with philosophical bullshit. besides, it's 2:30am so i've got the right to rant.
so am i happy? i don't know. i don't like to think of these things. what if i stopped and thought "oh dear.. i'm not happy." then what? well, i'm not happy. and i have to live realizing that i'm not happy! nah.. not good.
soooo... happiness. what is it? it's really a state of mind. there's nothing else it could possibley be, and no exact definition. two people can be exactly alike and one can be happy and the other unhappy, simply because of their state of mind. simple enough, but what makes you happy? the way you were raised.. your beliefs... so many factors come into play.
so am i happy? well if i don't think about it, then i'm ok. i'd rather not know. i like to just live in the moment. take the next moment when it comes, and forget it when it's gone. so at the moment, am i happy? why yes. i'ts 2:34, i'm talking to two really good friends, i have the taste of Vanilla Heath Bar Crunch on my tongue, and a playlist of good music with headphones to boot. i am happy.
but that doesn't really answer Emmi's question. in general am i happy? well that would require stepping back and looking at my life. i don't like doing this, because generally, i don't like what i see. i see a pathetic little girl, who changes with the people she's near. damn little drama kid. shows what people want to see. i don't like her, and that makes me unhappy, so in general, i am unhappy with my life.
but being in my life? that's a whole 'nother thing entirely. there's goods and bads to that. thinking about it.. i can think of more bad things, especially right off hand, than i can good things. so, essentially, i'm pretty unhappy. but at the same time, i have the wonderous ability to stretch my good things thin, so that there's enough happy to keep me going. i admit i've thought of suicide, but it's just not worth it. i try to keep the bad things from bugging me, and i wait until something good comes along to make me feel better. just step back into my little safe spot where i can ignore all the bad things, and cuddle up with my good things. and, for the most part, i stay happy.
so, am i happy? well.. i don't know. you decide.
personally, i just don't care.
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