| Date: | 2003-12-23 19:16 |
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| Security: | Public |
This journal is no longer operational, i have switched to a livejournal now that codes are no-longer nesscacery. If you want you can read it at http://www.livejournal.com/users/cines_est/ . that is all.
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| Date: | 2003-12-21 14:37 |
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I love this thing now, its like a fake person. fuck people; it was all phatic anyway.
im reading my copy of A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, it's got the most beautiful binding, i just like to stand and hold it or smell the pages as i read. Joyce is amazing, every word is perfect; i am in love with each and every sentence.
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| Date: | 2003-12-21 09:04 |
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Here's an email i was thinking about sending to F, it would only fuck things up further but it is nice to get these things off my chest.
Chapter 1: A Carribean Mystery
Do you really think I don't like you? Everytime we speak you go on about how much i hate you and how stupid i think you are; but we both know that is completely wrong. I have always thought and still think that you're great and yet you've managed to create this image of me despising you. You seem to imagine that i'm some sort of profound and misunderstood poet-type; and i think that's highly questionable. I have no writing ability and any extra knowledge i have is due to a mixture of extra study and personal interest, i'm sure that if you found post-modernism as exicting as i do you'd be far brighter than i in literary terms.
Chapter 2: What the Butler Saw
Another of your great complaints is that i never speak to you when i'm sober; this can be pretty easily explained by the fact that i never really see you outside of a drinking context. I suppose we could speak normally but under what pretence? Richard at least has a socail attachment to you but for me you exist on a friend-of-a-freind level, anyway, we both remember how boring we were when we went for that walk in the park.
I know i didn't really talk to you at school but that was because of that whole mess we went through before; i wanted to let things return to a degree of normalcy but my freinds still thought there was something between us (things were a little too messy to explain to them the real situation). I would talk to you normally but i think that to some extent i'm daunted by your image of me, i'm always trying to live up to the literary-genius sterotype and so end up very boring and quiet. A result of this is that i never try to be funny around you, i realised yesterday that i've never made you laugh directly and that seems very odd; i'll try to act stupider around you i future.
Chapter 3: The Return of the Sally-Marie
I know that i've been going on somewhat but i'll try to summarise. I am not as great as you pretend to think i am; i think about and know things which few others know but that's no cause for celebration. I am another boring idiot, i like to make an arse of myself and not in a good way, i listen to country music, i like the idea of smoking; every frailty and stupidity present in our stupid frail society exists in me but just slightly under the surface. It seems absurd but i hate your respect, i don't want to be a guru, i want to be near people no-matter how stupid they may be. We're all idiots, i just complain about it more often.
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| Date: | 2003-12-20 14:31 |
| Subject: | Gay for a day |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  creative | | Music: | david bowie- man who sold the world LP |
i might do some rhyming to show what a shit poet i am:
i am as gray as this hot gray day
and i think i should be gay.
I was talking to MB last night about the lack of interesting girlies at the party. he said something to the effect of "I wish people could just have sex with guys or something". MB's straight (even if i was the priest at his gay wedding) but he did have a point. guys are so much easier than girls and it fits the whole lacan formula of love so much better. so much less pressure aswell.
the light today is amazing. it's just what leonardo procribed for portraiture but it's also really humid so in combination with my hangover things look really surreal. brought my $5 pepsi camera with me to the library and took photos of anything which took my fancy. I also got out A Lovers Discourse finally, barthes is god.
i might talk about fashion later but these noodles are really distracting
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| Date: | 2003-12-20 11:58 |
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I went to a party last night, it was probably quite good. It reminded me how boring people are, they all talk so much. I'd be Edward Hopper but at least he had his wife, i'd just look like a loser. I did have the reasonably good idea of getting completely and emabrassingly drunk due to my lack of respect for anyone there, it all went wrong though when F and E showed up. E turned out to not be a possiblity (something which is less of a surprise than a recollection) and i am beginning to actively dislike F due to her affected manner.
I walked an awfully long way home without my socks and had to get in through my parents window. My feet are all cut up.
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| Date: | 2003-12-09 21:05 |
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| Mood: |  discontent | | Music: | nick cave and the badseeds- Kicking against the pricks |
all year i've been complaining about school stifiling my intellectualism (is that even a fucking word?) and now that ive got my independence ive become a complete pop-bitch. I actually went out and bought and army surplus shirt today thats how cliched ive become. It's all those damn girls i spend all day trying to work out how to make them love me and completely ignore everything ive learnt (what would lacan or even bathes say?). I think i can actually see my potential slowly wasting away. Oh the agony of it all! im not even creative enough to feel real angst. the worst thing about this thing is that ive actually found people who are smarter than myself. icky.
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| Date: | 2003-12-08 16:17 |
| Subject: | Monday |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  drained | | Music: | Velvet Underground- I'm Stickin' With You |
yay, ive got my record player going so it's 60's pop all week for me! Velvet underground seem so primative these days, oh well at least they sing like sex.
I'm pretty sure that our trip to Foxton is going to falll apart but oh well, at least i can say i tried. i hope the twins come, then i can be in love with E or even better if it's only me, R and the twins, that would be superb.
Ive got to get rid of all the wee people i've latched onto on this thing, the give me performance anxiety.
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| Date: | 2003-12-06 11:43 |
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Im getting paranoid about this thing, im scared E might be reading it, if you are E, please stop.
Honesty is dangerous. I should learn how to say that in french. Im also thinking about changing my wee name thing, i think the latin's all wrong.
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| Date: | 2003-12-05 18:20 |
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| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  chipper | | Music: | a 7-minute guitar loop by John Cale |
Okay so here goes everything; fuck being the next James Joyce, i'm going to be the next Karl Marx. What could be more post-modern than a totalitarian political system concieved for aesthetic beauty rather than any real ideological conviction. Certainly there'll be elements of my personal ideology implicit (a healthy dose of anti-Romanticism for one) but there'll also be enough subtle literary and biblical allusions to make any good literature professor prick up his/her ears. I initially thought that i should hide my aesthetic intentions but ive decided that at some point i'll make it explicit (the ideology should be strong and flexible enough to cope with such a revelation). I've already told R of my plan and i'm publishing it on the internet anyway. Im think about basing the system around a sort of pragmatic, narcotic based hedonism.
Also: i've managed to fall in semi-love with two girls at once; the first is good old E who i've always expected i'd love one day, the other is a genius internet girl who i will never meet in my life (still there's ahigher chance of us two getting together than me and E who are infinitely distant.
E's so smart, and sassy. I like sassy. Better than that baby-talking F.
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| Date: | 2003-12-02 23:29 |
| Subject: | Look at my brain and... Politics (smart politics) |
| Security: | Public |
I should write something, ive become increasingly anti-socail and this even extends to the vicarious sense of socail interaction which this thing provides. it think i'll be a typical internet personal and do a quiz. look at my brain
ive been thinking about politics lately. at first i decided that the only acceptable frms of government were absolute anarchism and totalitarianism. I thought further though and decided that there is only one coorect form of goverment and that is a totalitarianism which appears to be anarchy. What ths ultimately comes to is a very spinozian (i don't know if thats a word) theology. It's the whole absolute justice coming from absolute isolation, it rather reminds me of Borges' The Lottery in Babylon, where there are questions as to whether it really exists. Was i the only who supported the Party in Orwell's 1984? Their philosophy seemed so much more mature than Orwell's (the obvious humanist/Romantic undertones really irritated me) if anything my complaint was that they weren't totalitarian enough,
I wonder how long it will be before the average Joe Plebe can be attracted to Totalitariansim again?
(yes i realize that i've already given up on the letter-thing; i found it restricting)
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| Date: | 2003-11-29 16:27 |
| Subject: | In the beginning... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  apathetic | | Music: | Godspeed You Black Emperor- Static |
First ever entry, this is a momentous occasion in the history of english literature; im sure that in 30 years they'll be using these like Kafka's journals. I figured i should start this as way of calming my raging ego without regular social contact. As such, i've decide to do the Kierkergaard thing and write it as a series of letters, that way i might feel a little more human and a little more literary at the same time. Here goes nothing...
My dear and silent Confidant,
I finish school entirely yesterday, my last exam was for spanish and it was relatively painless. I had a brief conversation with the-ever-dull Penny and then went to buy some booze for a barbecue which i had been invited to. It was in Wainui and there was some minor drama around getting there but everthing turned out pretty normal. I got drunk but not badly and managed not to make a total arse of myself. Fiona was there bt i behaved myself. I have come to the conclusion that she and Richard are perfect for each other; they share an interesting form of conformism which i may write about later. Elizabeth also came, i am beginning to re-evaluate her character but she showed no interest in me so i'll likely leave it at that. I saw Elenor Bishop, we spoke breifly but i was very drunk at that point and so gave up. I began to do the kierkergaard thing but i was a little to drunk; i ended up thinking like a little girl. There wasn't alot to thnk about anyway, it was basic ally the usual drunk teenage crap.
Leaving school has left me somewhat adrift. I am far freer than i was before and in more ways than one. Obviously I no longer have the daily responciblility of showing up to school but aside from that i am free from certain social strictures which exist in a high school environment. The perpetual fear of being abandoned socailly is no longer there for instance, i no longer have the need to keep a socail presence in order merely not to be subsumed entirely. There exists here the potential for complete character revision. Fiona always complained that i was to obscure and intellectual for her; i can finally embrace this fact. Typically i was forced into a degree of falseness in order to relate even slightly to my peers, without that impetus i can act exactly as i am: obscure and intellectual.
My general plans for the future are as follows:
Write something for Bailey's "zine", possibly on the subject of ideology in post-modern society
Find a job of some variety
Do at least a year of Uni
I still have no idea how i could beat Joyce
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