more vince replies and mine   
04:17pm 31/01/2004
 
mood: aggravated
well i suppose you need some explainations:

my dad and i get along on occassions...when we do it's really awesome...but when we don't it's horrible (yelling, etc...kinda like that poem that says "when she's good she's great, and when she's bad she's horrid")i suppose it comes down to the point of opppostite views...but manly we both have a lot of stress, which isn't an excuse but it is the reason

my mom is great i love her to death...i honestly consider my mom my best friend above anybody because frankly i can be more open with her then anyone...and i can always talk to her no matter what its about...

as of now i know they apperciate me but there isn't much time for anything outside of my grandmother at the moment (here's another older entry but it explains it)

THIS IS RIDCLIOUS...   
05:20pm 04/01/2004
  mood: crappy
music: Michelle Branch-Find Your Way Back

who ever heard of an anorexic *GRANDMOTHER*?

Apparently they exsist.

I would know because I have one.

And it basically it sucks. I don't like to talk to anyone about it because it's rather embarassing don't you think?...i mean what do you say to people?...my grandmother won't eat because she's an anorexic...they look at you like you're crazy or mad or stupid or dumb or they don't believe you...i told jenna and cecil and they were just mhmmming and nodding but i don't believe they believe me...and jess has seen her and her eatting habits and i think she doesn't know what to say...
neither would i if i weren't me...
it's so hard...it's so dumb too...i mean we have to force her to eat...before we went away to florida...i screamed at her at the table because she *lied* about how much she had...a full platefull of pasta...bullshit...it was a tiny corner...maybe 13 (at most) pieces...i'm desperatly trying not to lose it for my father's sake because it must be insane for him to deal with this...she looks absolutly *HORRIBLE*...
ever see that anorexic girl melissa on tv?...that's what she looks like...
i used to have a fasination with anorexia and how people could do that to themsevles...i always wanted to learn more...but now i just wish it would go away..
____
as you can probably gather from this i hate my grandmother (and mind you i use hate sparlingly and there's only one other person in the world i hate)...i mean i hate to sound cliche but no one (that i know of anyway) has any IDEA of what's going on...she's moved in and our entire lives revolove around her...i don't mind helping out and taking care of her but you are fought with for your help every step of the way it is pretty damn hard to stay stress free and in a good mood

my brother and i get on each other's nerves on occasion...but he's a good kid...and i know he's a lotta shit lately and we usually talk 'cause he tells me stuff he won't tell anyone else (according to him) so that's pretty good

i usually am happy with my life just not at the moemtn and not usually during the winter...for whatever reason i get depressed in january and febuary or at least have been getting depressed thihs time of year since i was 13 but then it gets warmer and the days lengthen and everything is fine again...so at the moment i don't feel it's my music...i do have some ska and other stuff believe it or not and i'd rather listen to this than anything fake

ok that's pretty damn long again i think for you to read...so ttyl
-michelle

once again id like to point out, nice vocabulary in ur entries. Anyway, those entries caused me to have some questions about ur life. One is i wonder if ur parents ever show u they appreciate u, and what ur relationship to ur brother is (close, horrible etc) I also kind of feel like the type of music u like and the lifestyle uve chosen is a direct infringement ont he possibility of u being happy with ur life. I sort of get the sense that the music u listen to brings u down in a way, but that u dont see an alternative route to take, i dont know thats just my thoughts. lol u seem to enjoy blanking things out but sometimes the words u blank out in one entry u dont blank out in another, so i dont really see a point to blanking it out at all...yeah im gonna shower so thats allim writing ttyl
 
     
get out?
 
WILL SOMEONE BE A WITNESS?   
09:05am 31/01/2004
 
mood: content
music: Rancid-Junkie Man
last night was fuckin' awesome...lauryn and i had our b-day party, which we christened "17 squared"...

she came home on my bus and we had cheese, crackers, and apples after school...we made cool little labels to put on the cups of everyone's drinks with their favorite (or at least most likeable musical artists) so here i will kill two birds with one stone by listing the people (who showed up) and their artists:

1. Me-the ever so realtable kris roe from the ataris
2. Lauryn-the bald billy corgan from the smashing pumpkins
3. Chris-Mr. Wong from linkin park
4. Jenna-the emo chris connely from saves the day
5. Jeff-the hot billie joe armstrong from green day
6. Cecil-my homeboy joel from good charlotte
7. Jess-the ewy but hey he's got pretty damn nice eyes tyson ritter from the all american rejects
8. Jeremy-His whitness Vanilla Ice
9. Jen-The morbid Dan Andriano from Alkaline Trio
10. Caitlin-the very nice mike from mxpx
11. Nancy-the punk Christina Aguelira
12. Michelle-Gackt from the female looking males club of malice mizar
13. Leah-the legendary grunge master kurt cobain from nirvana
14. Glen-the ska guy from 311

so lauryn and i then watched almost the entire thing of the nitemare before christmas...ate pizza...and then got ready to head to emack and bolio's which was the coffee house/ice cream place we had ourn party out

it was fabolous...it was very very chill and zen cause we had the back room...everybody had a good time with unlimited coffee and sodas and the sundaes were great...i had deep purple cow which i had only been orignially able to get in florida...haha...jeremy and leah danced and sang...glen had an obessession with weird concotions and the bubble wrap he bought lauryn...jen was buzzed when she came and she told the worker to be a male stripper...nancy was a little upset by what we were doing, which frankly i think we're alot better than a lot of other people (yes people were cursing but not a hell of a lot and obiousvly we're teenagers they're gonna be some sex talk but no one even kissed)...and other than jen no one was drunk or smoking anything of that nature so i'd say we were pretty damn good...but whatever to each his own...lauryn and i got some great stuff (a cd player for my car! god damn that's awesome! a rancid cd, edward scissorhands, the alkaline trio shirt i wanted, 3 more shirts, and some other stuff) it was just an awesome awesome night...we wanna do it once a month i'm not sure that will happen but if it does fabolous!...i love my friends soooooooooooooooo fuckin' much!
 
     
get out?
 
TWO ENTRIES IN ONE DAY! (I'LL LICK THE BLOOD RIGHT OFF YOUR STREET)   
05:19pm 28/01/2004
 
mood: thoughtful
music: Katy Rose-Overdrive
just wanted to record an oberservation...isn't it kind of amazing how people think and what they think about...and you can tell so much from their journals...i was reading joe's and it's all about good things that are happening with his friends...mine is all pessimistic but observitive...so i suppose if i have a subway this won't solve anything other than knowing i had less than 11 grams of fat for a meal...jess' is like that too as far as friends go except for the occansional bitching entry...jeff's is all about funny shit...and so on and so forth...

isn't it funny how katie's journal is about her new found fasciantion with drinking?...haha...i remember when i started wearing my fishnets (about two years ago) and painting my nails black (about five years ago) and i was the bad influence...her parents hated me for my looks...and now look at where she is...a drunken skank (slut seems to harsh but then again skank isn't so great either)...and me...i'm doing the same thing i've always been doing...being me...we barely associate anymore except for when we talk on the bus and i'm more interested in talking to casey and sean then her anyway...

i will never understand the whole drinking scence

yet i have a crush on a raging alcoholic

ironic?

but i suppose raging alcoholic is also too harsh...so i'll change it to plain old alcholic...

so lauryn and jess and i went to see big fish...i loved it as predicted...though it was extremly confusing at parts, which i must admit...but it made me extremly happy which is always a welcomed change from being morose and moody...
 
     
get out?
 
I GOTTA GET MY SHIT TOGETHER...CAUSE I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS FOREVER...   
10:34am 28/01/2004
 
mood: blank
music: SR-71-Right Now (acoustic version)
i finished "sloppy firsts"...the parallels to my life are unbelievable...cal is nick (the one who will say anything to get into your pants), scotty is bj (the guy whoose liked you forever and pretends to be your best friend only to leave you for some bimbo who is a shakira look-a-like with big boobs)...the chicks remind me of the friends i ditched when i didn't want drama anymore...bridget is jess (the girl underestimated) and marcus?...well marcus is mike...the one whoose weird and only says a couple of things to you at a time...the one everyone looks down and never really knows anything about...the one i feel for and still am...the one who actually talks on a real level with you...i must admit however i was disturbed at the end...of his original intetntions...and i wanted more but it says in the biography section the author is writing a second novel so they'll be more which makes me happy...

my brother is lecturing me on the treatment of cds...he's told me a million times that if i leave them out and all over how can i not expect them to get scratched...and then i buy the same ones again which is a waste of money...by now i let him run out of steam and just agree until he shuts up about...

i had some trippy dreams last night...let's see mike was in it...i opened this bank i made myself when i was like ten (this bank i constructed at a home depot kids day with my father...i was so proud when i hammered the nails and wood together and espeically when i showed my mom the completed work)...and this bank i only keep coins in thanks to the idea of donna who claims one coffee can of change equals $500...and so mike wanted some quarters and dimes for the vending machines in school (sounds like real life)...so i shook the bank upside down and a stream of coins came out sort of a rainbow color...and we grinned out each other...and by now the whole place was foggy (too much cuckoo's nest?)...and then it fogged out completely...and chris was there now telling me of his feelings (which he revealed to me two nights ago that he's liked me for 8 yrs.)...and i was like smiling and thinking "i'm going to use this to my advantage even though i don't like you" (bitch much?)...and he disappeared into the fog, which by now was like clouds...and jess and john were there across the clouds and they waved to me smiling and i smiled back and we actually all meant it...and i thought to myself "what a nice couple"...and vince was there...grinning evily at me...reading my journal...

end dream...

there was probably more that i can't quite remember...

"I woke up alarmed
I didn't know where I was at first
Just that I woke up in your arms
And almost immediately I felt sorry
Cause I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions
And whatever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who tries to win you over
And whatever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who makes love cause he's in it
I want a boyfriend
I want all that stupid old shit
Like letters and sodas..." <---liz phair's "fuck and run"

i wanna go see her and katy rose in concert...i'm hoping that i can go to the electric factory show...

finally...i'm going to go see big fish!...tim burton, ewan mcgregor=instant hit with the misfits of the america...i've been trying to see it forever...jess and i are gonna go and john too and probably other people...we'll see...
 
     
get out?
 
VINCE'S REPLY AND RESPONSE TO SOME OF MY ENTRIES...   
05:37pm 26/01/2004
 
mood: thoughtful
U seem to be very descriptive with ur words, why arent u in more writing classes? I dont really know why ur depressed in the first place so i cant comment on that, but im assuming it has to do with guys, but since i dontknow the scenario, cant help u.i do agree with u ona couple of things. Relationship day was a dumb idea, i know a lot of people that didnt agree with it, including some couples, i was a couple then, and i followed it, but thats just cause i wanted spirit points. Then again, if u truly didnt care, rather then protest like many teenagers feel is the correct thing to do, u should of worn the taken color just to fuck people up. I also agree with u ont he whole smoking deal. I think people look old and any girl i seee is completely unnatractive when they smoke, smoking is the biggest turn off i can think of, well that u would normally see a person doing...... U have to realize at this age most people think they are invincible or have hidden problems such as u possibly, that they feel smoking/drinking will take them away from, or solve. U have to remember though the problem wont go away by itself, or with drinking or smoking, so the whole thing is just idiotic. However, unlike u i do have issues with people smoking around me. One, if its marijuana i dont want to be liable for them breaking the law. 2. if its ciggerettes or marijuana i have asthma, and i dont want them blowing their cancer smoke down my fragile lungs. So fuck smokers, i have no respect for them, especially if they do it to fit in or gain popularity, i just hink thats the wrong crowd to be gaining popularity in. so yeah thats about all i have for those entries, i really think us houdl send me all of them though
 
     
get out?
 
YOU'RE JUST TOO HIGH TO SEE THE POINT...YOU THINK YOUR NAME IS PASS THE JOINT<--gavin degraw   
04:29pm 26/01/2004
 
mood: depressed
music: Some 80's metal my brother is listening to
i should rename this my depressed journal...

i showed this to jess today in vtn...

i think chris found out about mike...aw well...i can't stop it now becasue my mouth blew it...maybe i wanted someone else to know i'm not sure though...anyway i'm too depressed and to anti-social to care at this point...whatever happens happens...

i'm glad however that finals and midterms are over...now if i pass my driver's test on feb. 3 i'll be happy...

lately alll i want ot do in spend time in the art room because i can express myself...lauryn and i started a new class called the awakened eye which sounds very rewarding and exciting...we're gonna make maskes first and i was thinking of doing mine like me, two-faced, in a sense...or if we do totum poles instead i wanted to take pictures of faces and glue them onto wood so they are 3-d or something of the nature...

another observation...whenever i read for my own enjoyment i tend to pretend i am the character and until i finish the novel i stay that character...i'm reading this book called sloppy firsts and the main chick jess is depressed...which probably isn't helping my already moody morose personailty that i've decided to wear at the moment...i'm so tired and depressed and anti-social and i don't care...

so i'm talking to vince who has a crush on me...and i would most likely date him if he wasn't so goddamn sexual all the time...actually let me explian date him first though...i mean i would go out to a non-fancy place and get a pizza with him or something but never more than that...ewy...defnatly not boyfriend material especially for someone as picky as me...

i did however, have a wonderful converstatoin with scott last night that cheered me up slighty...he is one kool kid...

aw wutelse?...i went to jeff's party...we discovered porn on his computer of a big black man doing some girl in the butt *insert vince here syaing "in the butt"*...tim stuck a cumber down his pants and then put it back in the refridgerator...lauryn made radish sucltlpures having sex...and i bonded with my single women...

this journal is much easier to write in because no one sees it and i like keeping everything alone and inside so i can build it up and blow up and explode until my guts and blood soak the damp streets...
 
     
get out?
 
   
04:16pm 20/01/2004
 
mood: nauseated
music: Gavin DeGraw-Belief
today is the second worse fucking day of my life...

happy fucking birthday to me
 
     
get out?
 
YOU WANT IT...WE'LL GET IT...   
12:59pm 17/01/2004
 
mood: cranky
music: Fenix*TX-Something Bad Is About to Happen
wahoo! steve has stopped smoking! and mike too! yay! according to lauryn anyway...she addmitted to smoking sparingly herself which frankly doesn't really surprise me much...once in a great while she come over my house smelling of nictoine...whatever...it's not like i have plans to kiss lauryn anyway...(ooo does that give anything away? :))

*screams*...i hate being home now...she still won't friggin' eat much!...it's better but not good enough it's like "oh my God! i cannot eat another half a slice of pizza or i'll die...or explode because i'm a skinny anorexic bitch! oh Lord food is evil! i cannot touch it or my life will end!"...blah...it makes me sick...so lately i've tried to avoid eatting with the family so i don't lose my temper and scream...like i've been doing at times...

and what else bad since this is my ashmaed bitching journal?...i have a D now in math which is better than an F but i bust my butt...viki and i have really bonded over our failures in math...we go after school and mr. martrano even *guarenteed* we'd "ace" the test if we did this review packet in addition...what does "ace" mean? well i got a 78%...which isn't great but if i was doing better over all it wouldn't kill me...viki got the same...it's ironic since the last time we went we both got 72%...and the man refuses to give us extra credit or help us out...his advice is do better...what kind of bullshit is that?...i go for extra help and i work my ass off and get nothing...i could see him failing me if i did shit but i work...and it's not like i'm asking for an A just a C...to quote empire records "damn the man!"

on a brighter note lauryn and i are having a joint b-day party because it's most likely our last...we're having it at this cool coffee/ice cream house...should be good...i'm very excitied about it...we made cool invatations with alkaline trio in pink party hats except dan whoose wearing a flamingo hat with a question mark...hehe and lauryn wrote this on the invatations...which is extremly clever in my opinion (the picture was my idea though...lol...i need to brag about that since my wit isn't as good as hers)

LAURYN & MICHELLE’S BIRTHDAY GATHERING/SHINDIG

Where you might ask?: Emack & Bolios Café (In the shopping center next to Regal Cinemas, it’s right next to Bertucci’s)

Do You Have The Time?: 6:30-10:00. What you guys didn’t know that?

When is this crazy ish going down?: Friday January 30th

I’m gonna be there, so now what?: RSVP to Mich(732-329-3635) or Laur(732-672-3119) by January 20th (does the date sound familiar? It should) or you can’t come!

“A little something like this is way too big to miss”

***

and last night cecil and michelle and i went to see "along came polly" which was just fabolous...i could not say enough good things about...the commericals completely underrated the film...i reccommend everyone go see it...
 
     
get out?
 
YOU WANT IT...WE'LL GET IT...   
12:59pm 17/01/2004
 
mood: cranky
music: Fenix*TX-Something Bad Is About to Happen
wahoo! steve has stopped smoking! and mike too! yay! according to lauryn anyway...she addmitted to smoking sparingly herself which frankly doesn't really surprise me much...once in a great while she come over my house smelling of nictoine...whatever...it's not like i have plans to kiss lauryn anyway...(ooo does that give anything away? :))

*screams*...i hate being home now...she still won't friggin' eat much!...it's better but not good enough it's like "oh my God! i cannot eat another half a slice of pizza or i'll die...or explode because i'm a skinny anorexic bitch! oh Lord food is evil! i cannot touch it or my life will end!"...blah...it makes me sick...so lately i've tried to avoid eatting with the family so i don't lose my temper and scream...like i've been doing at times...

and what else bad since this is my ashmaed bitching journal?...i have a D now in math which is better than an F but i bust my butt...viki and i have really bonded over our failures in math...we go after school and mr. martrano even *guarenteed* we'd "ace" the test if we did this review packet in addition...what does "ace" mean? well i got a 78%...which isn't great but if i was doing better over all it wouldn't kill me...viki got the same...it's ironic since the last time we went we both got 72%...and the man refuses to give us extra credit or help us out...his advice is do better...what kind of bullshit is that?...i go for extra help and i work my ass off and get nothing...i could see him failing me if i did shit but i work...and it's not like i'm asking for an A just a C...to quote empire records "damn the man!"

on a brighter note lauryn and i are having a joint b-day party because it's most likely our last...we're having it at this cool coffee/ice cream house...should be good...i'm very excitied about it...we made cool invatations with alkaline trio in pink party hats except dan whoose wearing a flamingo hat with a question mark...hehe and lauryn wrote this on the invatations...which is extremly clever in my opinion (the picture was my idea though...lol...i need to brag about that since my wit isn't as good as hers)

LAURYN & MICHELLE’S BIRTHDAY GATHERING/SHINDIG

Where you might ask?: Emack & Bolios Café (In the shopping center next to Regal Cinemas, it’s right next to Bertucci’s)

Do You Have The Time?: 6:30-10:00. What you guys didn’t know that?

When is this crazy ish going down?: Friday January 30th

I’m gonna be there, so now what?: RSVP to Mich(732-329-3635) or Laur(732-672-3119) by January 20th (does the date sound familiar? It should) or you can’t come!

“A little something like this is way too big to miss”

***

and last night cecil and michelle and i went to see "along came polly" which was just fabolous...i could not say enough good things about...the commericals completely underrated the film...i reccommend everyone go see it...
 
     
Read 1 -  get out?
 
THIS IS RIDCLIOUS...   
05:20pm 04/01/2004
 
mood: crappy
music: Michelle Branch-Find Your Way Back
who ever heard of an anorexic *GRANDMOTHER*?

Apparently they exsist.

I would know because I have one.

And it basically it sucks. I don't like to talk to anyone about it because it's rather embarassing don't you think?...i mean what do you say to people?...my grandmother won't eat because she's an anorexic...they look at you like you're crazy or mad or stupid or dumb or they don't believe you...i told jenna and cecil and they were just mhmmming and nodding but i don't believe they believe me...and jess has seen her and her eatting habits and i think she doesn't know what to say...

neither would i if i weren't me...

it's so hard...it's so dumb too...i mean we have to force her to eat...before we went away to florida...i screamed at her at the table because she *lied* about how much she had...a full platefull of pasta...bullshit...it was a tiny corner...maybe 13 (at most) pieces...i'm desperatly trying not to lose it for my father's sake because it must be insane for him to deal with this...she looks absolutly *HORRIBLE*...

ever see that anorexic girl melissa on tv?...that's what she looks like...

i used to have a fasination with anorexia and how people could do that to themsevles...i always wanted to learn more...but now i just wish it would go away...

and do you want to know a secret?

i'm scared because it (the gene) skips generations...but i eat a hell of a lot and i love my body the way it is...but it's still something to think about...
 
     
get out?
 
WORD   
07:55pm 11/12/2003
 
mood: cynical
ah...two days in a row is this some kind of record?...i really earnestly enjoy the times i spend on this jounral...for whatever reason i feel more witty and understood...maybe it's the comforting in knowing none of my peers read this or only complete strangers who maybe stumble accross it...
i've had an emotional rough and exhausting day...i have decided that the hockey team is a clut...and one in which my crush has devoted his winter life to...they sit together...no girls or outsiders at the table...they all play hockey...they watch/hold food eatting contests...they all play hockey...they dressed up today...they all play hockey...

and to think i used to like hockey too...

as well it seems adam zell has devleped a crush on me despite the fact that he has a girlfriend...jeremy informed me of how he was talking about me at vtn today...oh fuckin' harrah...i wish michelle zhou and i had never shown any interested in smoking knowledge (out of pure curisosity not because we're going to actually become smokers)...i wish i had never met him...but most of all i wish our lockers were not next to each other and our homeroom and lunches not the same which makes it practically impossible to avoid him...

drat...if only my signfigant other wasn't so involved with hockey and he could do out with me and adam would stay the hell away and i would be happy and feel loved and have someone to turn to

extremly long sentence...

alas i must depart for my show is calling...
 
     
get out?
 
   
07:31pm 10/12/2003
 
mood: quixotic
just when i thought school couldn't get any stupider than publically announcing vince's suicide against his paretns wishes theygo and pull a stunt like this...for spirit week thursday is

STATUS DAY *cheers from the imaginary audience*

if you're taken you wear red
if you're single you wear blue
if you're undecided you wear gray

first of all this is extremly humiltating...as if the singles need to be advertised and for some potentially made fun of...where is the genuis that came up with this bullshit day...now if the reason behind it to push the singles together so that everyone will have someone? to glorify the couples? to embarass the singles?

and what happens if you're in an unoffical relationship and one person wears red and the other wears grey...how much does THAT suck?

i refuse.

i will wear black so there.

a certain black haired smoker who thinks he's a genuis is getting on my last nerve...i don't like you...i'll be your friend but that is it...besides you have a friggin' girlfriend...

what is it with guys that like me with girlfriends...iguana man and of course the ever so beautiful baseball player...i would definatly go out with him...

why can't '''' like me...everyone says he does...ok by everyone i mean chris, jeff, jess, and my mom...but still...i wish lauryn or steve would throw me a line here and help me out...of course they don't know i like him but i mean it's so friggin' obvious!!! i totally totally dig ----!!!!

(did i just say dig)

i feel like such a smart ass on this journal...

chris is my new phone buddy i love tlaking to him on the phone cause we talk about guys...actually i do the talking and he listens and occasionally throws in a comment about his girlfriend carly...and owen is my online buddy...he's awesome...he likes freaky friday...he's awesome...

anyway i'm sick...but not sick enough to stay home so it's a complete and total waste...

i'm worried about steve and lauryn...

tomorrow i *SHALL* ask '''' to hang out...
 
     
get out?
 
   
05:45pm 22/10/2003
 
mood: restless
well i finally asked him to hang out...and he said he would have but he was working and he even gave me the hours to prove it...well whatever...i haven't talked to him since...

ever watch the show "one tree hill"? i kinda feel like Payton she's cool but the girl is seriously messed up...like her i don't know what to do with my life...how to fix things...how to get better...how to stop rewinding...it all seems like a black hole or something...

i've been feelin' sick lately maybe it's physological and has to do with everything...they say that on "everwood" (another wb show reference)...it's true though...maybe my lusting has turned into obessession either way i've decided i have to stop thinking about him...or at least talking to other people about him...i don't want to have people think i'm obessessed...so that means lips sealed to everyone even jess and my mom...

i wrote in my other journal ( www.deadjournal.com/users/cinemachic87 ) how i was feeling like i don't know what's wrong...maybe it's the time of year...i know winter's coming and i hate winter...and snow...and cold...i wish it was spring and summer forever...hell i'd even take fall all year round if i didn't have to do deal with winter...

on the bright side (since this seems to be an extremly negative private journal) i get to go see alkaline trio with my brother on nov. 9...i can't contain myself...woot woot...matt skiba and co!...that's gonna kick some ass...

i should do homework or clean up but my head hurts so i think i'll just be apathetic.
 
     
get out?
 
HE WAS JUST SO BEATEN UP...SO WEATHERED...   
05:10pm 18/10/2003
 
mood: weird
last nite when i was at the show i was watching steve smoke...

i've seen him smoke before in his videos but never in person...

and i've seen a million identical teenagers whooses faces all the same after a while smoke...

and i don't have a problem with people (including my friends) smoking even though i think it's stupid (why would u put toxic shit in your body) and as long as they don't do around me. (me i would never smoke for a million and one reasons one of the most perhaps is the fact i am rarely able to get off medicines and when i am off it's such a great feeling so why would i want more drugs in my body?)

but back to steve

so he was behind the counter doing audio for the bands at the show and he looked so OLD...

it was as though i was looking at 40 year old man smoking three cigs in the thirty minutes...he seemed so weathered and so beaten up...like life had pushed him down and there wasn't anything left for him in the world...i could see in my mind him at bar with his beer and his cig. just sitting there staring into space...and the image and him seemed so *weighted*...i felt pulled down to the ground and chained there as i looked it him...and i almost started to cry it made me so sad and miserbale to see him this way...not because of the cigarette but everything...

steve's a good kid...a smart and intelligent one...he shot for his dreams and he's got them...everything he wanted he's got to do or is going to get to do...

could that be it

he was like a stone statue, isloated, and cold but still the same old steve...but with a different look in his eye...

i don't know

just even writing about him makes me want to cry
 
     
get out?
 
wow i haven't written in a long time   
03:47pm 17/10/2003
 
mood: full
music: David Bowie-Starman in my head
so in don't have a class with this guy that i mentioned in my previous entry whcih really sux ass...in the beginning we were all weird and then i started to say hi and then we hung out a lil' after school...

he came over my house and bought my guitar! yes yes yes!

and so now we're back to ___ and (insert my name) as usual...a couple of days ago though he told everyone that i was his girlfriend and we walked around holding hands...is that a sign?

and then ironically yesterday we dressed in the same outift (which was suit pants (well mine were girls suit pants) a white dress shirt and a tie)...isn't that the conciedence of conciendences?

i finally told jess because i needed to tell somebody!! i was gonna go crazy!

or more so than i already am...

i should have updated this damn thing sooner...but anyway here's the part that really matters...one of my best friends likes him and this is from a private entry on my deadjournal so here it is (btw she knew i've liked him since last year):

i tell u it's kinda funny
seeing as how my friend and i like the same living breathing guy that actually lives but is not from south brunswick
it's very bad though
because she doesnot realize i still like him
she only likes him because she has no other options
she only likes him because he's cute
i don't think he's fantastically cute
yes he is pretty
but his hair is unwashed for days at a time
and he has little pimples around his mouth and chin area
i don't think she knows that
i also don't she knows that he has the most gorgeous eyes
or that he actually doesn't like music
i don't think she knows about his life
or his dreams
but i really don't think she knows who *he* is
so why am *i* the one whoose forced to pretend everything is fine and dandy
especially because i've been saying this for about a year now
everyone knows she likes him
and because i don't want it broadcasted i'm not allowed to have him
in the beginning when i truly thought she liked him though she still didn't know him
i was just pissed because she didn't consider my feelings
i didn't really care if she got him
the only reason i do now is because she's just going to use him like she used c-----
i love her
but this shitty situtaion needs to be over


___

so that pretty much sums it up though that entry is from a few days ago...i don't think i care anymore because i just can't help myself...

everything with him is so natural and i like the way the relationship is and always was...like we just click and we've been clicking since we met and i love this guy to death (maybe not in deep deep romantic love but he will always have a place in my heart and i actually mean that)...

oh and here's a song i wrote (YES WITH THE MUSIC TO IT TOO WOOT WOOT!) about it and i really like it...but if you copy it i will come and kill you and your entire family...(yes it's mine so takek it and expect death):

10-02-03

I am an expert at playing both sides
I’m choking myself by throwing up all my lies
Watch me slither and slide, the smoothest snake
Watch me flaunt and falter, with all the greed I take
Watch me screw you and spit you back out
Watch me regurgitate my promises mixed with grout
I am an expert at not saying what I feel
I’m sacrificing my emotions on the outside for the sake of the deal
Watch me reveal my true intentions
Watch me just only give you an honorable mention
Watch me steal it all from underneath your innocence
Watch me cover all my scars and dents
Hey
Can’t you see what I’m gonna do
Hey
Can’t you see what I’m doing
Hey
I’m not loyal
Hey
I’m a backstabber
Hey
I guess I’m your friend
Hey
I guess I’m your friend
Hey
I guess I’m not
Hey
I guess I’m not
I am a cloud of smoke that comes and goes as it pleases
I’m a starving angelic devil with unregulated releases
Watch me slither and slide, the smoothest snake
Watch me flaunt and falter, with all the greed I take
Watch me screw you and spit you back out
Watch me regurgitate my promises mixed with grout
I am experienced so there’s no beating me at my own game
I’m famous for making my shameful fame
Watch me reveal my true intentions
Watch me just only give you an honorable mention
Watch me steal it all from underneath your innocence
Watch me cover all my scars and dents
Hey
Can’t you see what I’m gonna do
Hey
Can’t you see what I’m doing
Hey
I’m not loyal
Hey
I’m a backstabber
Hey
I guess I’m your friend
Hey
I guess I’m your friend
Hey
I guess I’m not
Hey
I guess I’m not


i know for anyone who is reading this it may as though i'm obessessed but again i'm not i just have no where else to put this and i've already over-dsicussed it with jess and my mom (yes my mom still knows *ALMOST* everything)

tonight i'm going to a show at american legion (i think that's where it is)...i'll get to see nick...kinda scary...

here's some other stuff i started to write:

Like Billy Corgan
Do I think I’m so much better
You think I am
And maybe you’re right
But I never will be
**

Do you realize that I’m kept all your secrets
I’m always silent with them
But yours
Yours are scared
Yours are special
Yours are mine
That’s what makes us so special

**
I just lied again
One, two, three, four
Today
And I’ll do it some more
Tomorrow
Because I have to protect myself
All Walls
No Calls
**

i guess they're like little ditties or whatever...

later days.
 
     
get out?
 
ALL I HAVE IS 26 DOLLARS AND THE KEYS TO A CADILLAC...   
07:58am 11/08/2003
 
mood: confused
music: Fenix*TX-A Song For Everyone
don't really write much in this thing considering nancy doesn't use this anymore and i have my other journal that everyone sees... www.deadjournal.com/users/cinemachic87 . However nobody over there knows about this journal...

ah ok...obessession time...there's this kid i've had/not had a thing for the past school year...and it's like well i haven't seen him all summer long and i've decided if i have a class with him again and i still feel the same (which i'm not exactly sure what it is) then i'm going to tell him in decemeber...my reasoning behind this?...we'll have a few months to just hang out and enough time to not make things werid if he doesn't feel the same u know?...or maybe january yea probably january because that's the middle of the school year...

why do i even care about this guy? i know the bad sides of him but i know the good too...i guess that's a mistake i made with bj (nick is a whole different story)...like i really thought i knew him well (as did everyone else)...i mean after spending that much time with him for like a year so or more you'd think you would know...but he wore a very thick mask...that's why i'm not really worried if *ahem* says no i don't like you...cause i don't think it would really change much...maybe i should get over it but i can't believe the stuff i told *ahem*...i mean i almost told him something NO BODY knows...not even people like jess or katie or lauryn or jenna or nancy or jeff or chris...lol...but i told him a hell of a lot of stuff that nobody knows the WHOLE story too...and i can't believe how much he told me!...

i'm just worried that i might end up compairing this too much with the bj situation last summer...is it different? i keep telling myself it's different...but is it really?...i feel like i do know *ahem* more...oh well since i won't see him until sept. there's no point in worrying about this...it's sometimes just best to see how things come...

i'm not normally this boy crazy AT ALL...it's just cause i can't put this in the other journal...or i could but i like having this "secret" journal...lol...





The ever so talented matt skiba...more on him later...

later.
 
     
get out?
 
Pink ribbon scars   
11:14am 21/07/2003
 
mood: creative
my first entry in my "secret" journal...hey nancy!
 
     
Read 1 -  get out?