|Subject:||Talking to a wall|
You abandoned me
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when I needed you the most.
And I need you SO, SO much
|Subject:||where words fail, music speaks.|
I've been hanging by a thread
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Don't want to live with the regret
Knowing that there's still a chance
Every single word you said is on repeat in my head
And the future we had planned
Don't leave me here I'm running out of breath
Hanging by a thread.
Aching to drop everything right now,
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and go straight to You.
And so, I go
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to pack up
- i put my heart away.
:: evol kcuf ::
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The Trade Off model.
|Subject:||It's been FOREVER.|
|Music:||Brian McKnight - one last cry|
.. like 4 years! Wow, I can't believe it.. and reading back over some of this stuff just makes me laugh! Half of it I can't remember yet A LOT of it I can! And funny enough, there's a lot of things I've come across in past entries where I sit and think 'wow, I'm STILL like that now?! or I STILL think that way!' crazy really.. Last time my entry was in 2006 - I was still living in Japan and probably about to come back home to Melbourne. I still remember sitting in that internet cafe writing that entry, with the anticipation of coming home and not knowing what to expect and what changes were about to occur with family, friends and relationships..
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I don't even really know where to begin with.. life! Reflecting briefly over entries it made me realise that I in some ways almost 'needed' to have a journal, a place to vent and let out feelings and thoughts and general random stuff throughout the everyday of my life, regardless of how trivial or boring or simple they were.. guess those are thing things which make up what we call 'reality.' Still, sensing the frustrating undertones, the dissatisfaction, the self deprecating themes and overeall confusing moments, makes me think that maybe I haven't really changed that much. I'm still me? Maybe more evolved in maturity and practicality and things in life like bills and knowledge and vocational leraning.. but emotionally, mentality seems stagnant in lots of ways. Makes me wonder - will I never change? Is this me now.. forever?!
I think it's ok to acknowledge the past, and delve into memories, allowing yourself the ability to even relive in them for that moment, appreciating it for what it was.. at the time.. and being able to smile back (no matter how joyful or painful the event was), but for me, I realise it's finding the underlying 'truth' in things and being able to attain some sort of self revelation, or jolted awareness in being open to and understanding the actual REASON behind actions and feelings, and really taking the time to have a 'huh, that's what the lesson was to learn' or seeing how to move on and forward in life. Mistakes are a part of life, and with that come learning, so what is life without learning.. nothing. No experiences equates to nothing gained.
So anyway, here I am now - 27 and what do I now have to show for myself post the Japanese experience?
- a 12 month get away stint Japanese experience (definitely up there on my list of experiences)
- a Bachelor degree I finally managed to achieve (somehow!) considering how many entries I wrote about Uni and bludging through class and assignments
- a 3 year job in Worker's Compensation as a case manager for claims (ugh.) the type of job you just 'fall into', but amazing experience none the less and a definite character builder.
- a year working as a training consultant again in the field of insurance (without having a cert 4 in training and assessment mind you.. but slowly working towards it) lots of interstate travel to syd..
- a small unit I bought unexpectedly given the circumstances of a relative passing away - the offer was too good to pass up, so yes have been living out of home for just over the last 12 months
- a 12 month relationship yes still with girls lol (started while I was in Japan) which faltered. but that's for another entry
- a then 2 year relationship with a girl I met while working as a case manager - very unexpected! pretty stable for the most part, pretty serious, lots of good times.. and then plenty of bad moments which again i will save for another day..
- and as for fitness - i've taken up kickboxing although dont have a lot of time these days to go..
- still trying to eat healthy, still on soy milk, still conscious about weight.. looks etc that hasnt changed
- confidence improvement? slightly I'd say.. getting better
- still talking to tasha here and there but NO way near as much as 'those' days.
- and the begining of a new relationship - just wait for that novel!
So I think I'll leave it at that for now and update slowly over time :)
OMG its been forever since ive been on here.. i remember starting this blurty YRS ago now lol then i tried out so many other journal spaces - livejournal, xanga, myspace lol this one i use to only write in to let out everything and anything.. coz i know nobody reads it. (nobody i know anyways lol) theres so much shit in this whole blog of mine that i could even considerate a lil dangerous if any of my friends really DID find it.. and read it. reading back over entries i sound so fucked up. only because everything i wrote in here was the truth.. wow. its a good reflection of who i really am. or what kind of person i was/am and what fucked up things i used to think about..
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still, not like that much had really changed lol or has it?! i dunno really.. all i know is, since last time i updated:
im now living and working in JAPAN!! haha crazzyy.. all those times i actually said it and talked about it so freely.. and i actually DID it. it all happened and got organised SO quickly that i didnt really have that much time to mentally digest everything.. but, still, i made it. i did it. and ive been here for 3 months now.. things are very different, as much as i expected them to be. in fact its been more difficult that i initially anticipated, but the yrs goin by fast and in no time imma be back home in melb in january for my sisters wedding!! but i really miss melbourne..
hrm i was with my last gf for about ONE yr. i cant believe that either!! didnt think i could last that long with a girl.. let a lone her. i knew from the begining we werent all that right for each other and so many times fought off the idea of bein in something long term and committed.. but, i was. and i did that to, suprised myself among many other ppl. we broke up about a month and a bit ago.. i knew it was fated. it wasnt gonna last, not just coz i knew it deep down inside but distance was eventually gonna get in the way and yep, i predicted right.
i was also living outta home for about 4 months before i came here. living with the ex at her place. which was cool coz she had her own lil place behind her own house.. was a lil uncomfortable around the family, but they knew about her and me and accepted it all the same. we really fixed up her place, inside- decorating as if we were alrady a married couple. and to be honest, i really did consider marriage. i mean it got brought up a few times.. i always thought that ifi married a GIRL, she would be the one. sounds kinda odd writing it down now but yeh.. and i also told myself that SHE would be the last gf i would have, but now, im reconsidering that idea also.. thinking that yes, i really would do another relationship with a girl.. as long as shes right for me and we really click. girl or guy it doesnt matter.. whoever comes first i guess lol
i was seeing a guy here in one month!! crazy how fast it happened but yehh hes from texas, also another nova instructor.. but eh. didnt work out.. i mean he was everything i always thought i wanted.. and very good looking but in the end, his personality just couldnt win me over enough lol
i was also with a japanese/american girl who got me another job on top of this nova one. working in ginza in tokyo as a recruitment consultant for a headhunting company.. the first day we met, was the day i had an interview for the job lol was SUCH a strange feeling but kinda cool. very surreal however lol and then the first day of work we made out on her smoke break oOOo was actually really hot.. besides the fact that shes engaged and i think she just recently got married?! wtf lol
my mum came to visit me for a wk,. been 3 months since i saw her at the airport and i really miss her being around. she reminded me of home a lot and yeh.. was sad when she left. another friend just came over yesterday morning i hadnt really seen her for 13 yrs since she moved to germany, but then she happens to be working in tokyo.. well shes currently looking for an apartment coz shes doin an internship with her uni at a german/jap company so shes staying at the apartment with me atm. kinda weird how we ended up in the same country at the same time.. but nice that at least we knew each other from many yrs ago as children, growing up in mill park together. ahh memories..
anyways thats about it for now. im at an internet cafe and need to go to work.. argh another 8 hrs. pray that time goes fast will ya?! till next time. ;p
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now i have a gf lol
like not even a week passes n all this stuff has happened! ayiyi too much goin on all the time.. .
we made if 'official' last wk.. i've been sleeping over her place like every second day or something! lucky she has her own little place at the back of her house.. n i'll get home or TRY to get home before 6am the next morning coz my sis wakes up at that time. haha sometimes i have to pretend i just got uo, as soon as i get in the door lol we've slept together HEAPS. like A LOT. n its nice.. being able to hold someone close all night.. being affectionate and coupl-y. n its weird, coz for the first time in a long time i dont feel afraid to give someone ALL of me. to let go and break down that wall and just go with the flow of things.. granted i like them enough that is. i dont wanna force myself to give things ago.. like with amy and bridgette and gianni.
gianni n i had a 'talk' last wk where he was analysing me! like hes been doin it for the past 4 yrs apparently! =o| kinda shocked me coz i didnt realise how strong his feelings were.. and he came over one night last wk and we chatted bout stuff. n he was pretty much in tears.. n something inside me crushed as we said goodbye outside my house.. n he didnt wanna let me go and almost tried to kiss me.. *sigh* i dunno why i always end up hurting ppl. i think its coz im not straight out forward with them and honest about wat i want n i wat i feel.. but the thing is u dont really know how ur gonna feel unless u give something a go and see how it works out.. even if that means being with them physically a few times =o| SO many times i wanted to just give in? i guess.. he met me after work last wk and we had another 'talk' where he literally sat me down and as if pleaded for one last time.. to be with him. to be his gf.. trying to convince me why we'd be good together.. in his eyes. n he had it all planned out and it sounded so goddam perfect and ideal it made me want to cry. WHY was i resisting this guy?? i guess coz wen we met, he was nice and we chatted n got along fine.. but i wasnt attracted to him? it just wasnt there and never was?! n i remember before he went to italy for 8 months he asked to 'be' with me.. n yehh i did 'stuff' with him. eh. kinda sounds desperate of him and pathetic of me now.. wat are friends for =o| he was using an imaginary list of 'reasons' why we should be together.. n like although it was all wonderfully convincing... it was wat HE wanted.. wat HE felt.. wat he'd hoped for and planned.. and he told me that to love someone u gotta have that friendship foundation first and then move onto relationships.. then said i worked backwards?! lol i dont think its that. like i said for me, if its there straight off. its there. n if its not then its not.. i mean it is a little more complex than that but yeh.. u get mydrift lol
shes SO amazing. shes got so much to give.. so much young? life. i dunno. most of the timte i forget bout the 3 yr difference but then wen i think about it, i feel a bit weird.. 3 yrs difference in age is a BIG thing for me, considering i could never date a person younger than a yr. shes so sweet and so close to perfect. and i know shes giving it all she has... n i want to too. and yes, we've done the whole 'love' thing too =o| so totally unexpected.. but yehh its happened i think.
were lying in her bed fri night holding each other n staring endlessly into each others eyes.. as we do.. to each other all the time. or every moment we can (esp. wen shes driving hehe) n yeh its cute n just looking into her eyes i feel all tingly n mushy.. n all i can think is how beautiful she is. shes got such a goddam attractive face. n yes she does look young but OMG wen i look at her, shes so natural, flawless even. n wenever im with her i think about those times we'd seen each other, which was only like 2-3 times before and how much i'd stare at her from across the room, the table the car.. n how much i wanted to be with her.. n now i am. so were staring each other in the face and i was re-telling this dream i had of her that afternoon. - something along the lines of us being around some club party gay girl thing on chapel street, us leaving, bumping into her parents and her chasing after one of her friends only to get hit by an oncoming car and falling to the ground.. so i kneel beside her all distressed n shocked panicking, trying to wake her up by grabbing her and shaking her yelling things like 'wake up! get up! bridgette! breathe!' scared she was on the verge of dying n even dead.. and she doesnt move. she just lays there. still then all of sudden, out of my mouth come the words 'noo! u cant! i think im in love with you..' and then she wakes up. straight away. looks at me and says nothing.. n i recall in my dreaming feeling crushed.. rejected almost. so i was actually telling her wat happened in my dream and wen i reached the 'i love u part' i refrained and held back.. n she knew there was something i wasnt telling her n she knew wat it was coz she kept bugging me to tell her the 3 magic words. im like 'why do u say 3?!' LoL n yehh took me a while coz i really didnt know whether to say it or not.. there had been so many moments prior to that that i had wanted to n yet brushed off as an 'in the heat of the moment' thing. so yeh i told her the story, just as i just did. slowly n wen i got to that part i touched her face n looked her straight in the eyes n said it 'n i held u n said.. i think im in love with u..' and we both froze. not bad or good. just sat there lookn at each other n then i held her coz i wanted her to be close to me n held her tight. then she looks at me n says 'well too bad it was just a dream then huh..' mucking around with me. n im like 'hrm yehh true huh' lol but then she stares at me with such intensity i will NEVER forget this moment. n shes lookn up at me with teary eyes but i didnt think they were teary coz the light from the lampshade was half shining on her n she looks away n looks back at me.. n she says 'i wanna say it but i dont wanna scare u away..' n i being oh-so-corny lol touch her lips with my hands n say 'dont' n she starts to shake a lil coz i can feel her hands on me quivering.. n i say 'i'll tell u a story first..' n begin to use the 'did i ever tell u about the time i was in ur room at 11.24pm on a fri nite, lying infront of u, looking into ur eyes n i told u that,,' n i paused. n shes got this look n i dunno how the hell i mustve been looking but she looked almost hurt.. n i took her closer n say '..n i told u that i was in love with you..?' and tears fell down her face.. so fast and her eyes filled up with water and she was crying! she was acually crying! n i remember thinking WHY DO I MAKE EVERYONE CRYYYY!???? =o( but it was SO touching.. it hit something inside me.. my heart jumped n melted at the same time and i grabbed her, held her close feeling her shaking and crying n whisper again, in her ear, to make sure she heard 'i love you so much..' and the feeling was returned with an 'i love you too..' *sniff sniff. and i find out how shes never really loved a person in her life.. n how it was the first time she'd ever felt this strongly for anyone (why do i always get these first timers?! lol) n how she was never IN love with her ex.. n it was such a sweet moment i didnt want it to end.
but yes, i do love her. i've let myself go with her, coz like i've told some of my friends shes too good to pass up. i trust her. i have faith in her and she makes me feel refreshed in a way.. being different.. being positive.. feeling like my own little ray of sunshine =oP and shes gorgeous too.. n i feel like i just wanna be there for her.. be there n do things WITH her.. experience things WITH her.. coz she seems so sheltered and i feel like theres SO much out there for her to explore and most importantly for her to be happy. coz she deserves that n nothing less.
soOo.. the wkend. interesting stuff. oh how my life is full of drama =o|
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went to soul kitty sat ntie with the girls - bridgette (amali lookalike one lol) jae, janice and mal. ended up being dragged to some asian restaurant coz one of jaes close gfs had a 20th bday. felt really weird and awkward and bad being there, like we were all out of place..n her friends dont really know about her, but have an idea she likes girls.. n she lied to them tellin them she had to go out somewhere wen really we were all goin to soul kitty. and like yes, i ended up goin coz.. well hello, rnb and gay girls?! thats like the perfect combo! haha well for me coz u can dance to it.
so yeh ended up gettin there bout 12ish. wasnt packed but some nice girls around ;P melissa and her bf max were there! omg i was so surprised.. didnt expect them there at all.. but kinda glad coz i knew i could kiss her?! lol thats soo wrong.. but yeh and we danced a lil.. lorie was there.. kim, sarah, vanessa, ruby n that. didnt see damian or katia around but they came later n i didnt really speak to them much. jen and renee were there too.. amy, sonia, tina and nancy!? lol like she hates that music? lol think she came with amy coz i guess theyre all hanging out n close now. but yeh thats cool and yeh had abeer talked to mel, max.. n then yeh we kissed (omg this nose ring pisses me off now coz it always gets in the way wen im kissing someon! grr. lol) and yeh she asked me if i would get with max and max told mal i couldnt just have mel to myself, n that he needed to be in it somehow?! lol um no i dont think so. anyway it was kinda dead compared to the first nite.. so dead that they closed the bar early coz they werent makin enough lol so everyone wanted to go to glassy.. and then the peel. which we did.
ok so like before we left.. bridgette2 (amali girl lol) told me how she'd go for me.. (shes been with her gf for like just over a yr) n yeh dammm shes so goodlooking?! but shes 19! but yeh i guess thats not so much of a problem.. lol but yeh shes a really nice, sweet girl n everything.. n then this woman wanted her lol she tried to pick her up n dance with her so bridgette grabbed me and i pretended to be her gf muahaha. l that was fun ;P n like yeh i was holding her hand and like holding her everytime the lady was around.. n like i dunno.. it just felt.. really.. nice?! like i dunno.. everytime shes come out with us.. i cant stop looking at her? coz she has an amazing face!! n this girl is half filo half aus. but yehh n like she doesnt go out much or anything.. since shes been with her gf.. but her n her gf have been fighting quite a bit lately n u can tell shes not happy with her, n just in the r/s out of comfort.. n that shes too scared to break up with her n stuff n that they dont click n get along well. lol n bridgettes into asian girls? lol i dunno why but she loves them (which is good for me hehe) n then yeh so were acting all coupl-y n stuff n yeh it was pretty obvious we had some kinda chemistry.. at one stage shes holding my hands n is like 'i like ur hands' all touching them n stuff hehe a w cute n her hands are like all rough coz shes an electrical apprentice?! lol like how many girls do u know do that?? lol
n then after leaving peel after 10 min lol we end up at maccas on smith st for like an hr - mal, jae, bri, janice, sarah and i. sarah n kim were having issues n drama that nite n were having a pretty bad fight.. so bad that sarah was going to break up with her coz kim left her n went home without her that nite =o| not good coz she was really upset n had to talk to kim for alon gtime n said she'd need a place to crash n all.. anyways the girls werent tired n we didnt know wat to do or go at like 3-4 so we end up back at bris place in preston, which is cool coz shes got like a bungalow kinda place with like a kitchen, lil living room n bathroom n everything! lol like its a another house behind her house n she stays in there by herself which would be kinda scary. the only bad thing is she doesnt have heating?! so yeh it can get kinda cold.. but like she was all prepared for ppl to stay over n had like a fold out bed n lots of blankets n pillows n stuff.. aww shes so cute. n then we end up watching the butterfly effect n half of us fell asleep n half of us stayed awake.. n then sarah, mal n janice slept whilst bri, jae n i sat up in her bed n played cards lol havent played 13 in agesss.. n then at aboout 6ish jae went to sleep coz she had work but then didnt end up going. AGAIN lol the poor girl n she got introuble for it the next day too =o| coz everytinme we go out she always calls in sick the next day coz she doesnt sleep or doesnt get home n stuff.. n then yeh bri n i sat up in her bed talking bout stuff.. then janice woke up n talked with us too.. n yeh the girls woke up bout 11ish n we all bummed around for a while then went to eat lunch at some asian place on high st. wsa really cool it felt like a sleep over which i havent had in agess hehe so high school n all.. then bri dropped everyone cept mal home, and drove for a bout 4-5 hrs around melb.. to city..dandy, st albans., sunshine,preton n mill park lol poor girl. n she didnt even sleep either! lol n then yeh i got home.. stayed at home to get changed again n like went back out to bris place to meet kim n sarah n we watched an episode of the l word.
ok. so i know that if i go there somethings gonna happen btwn us. =o| n wen kim n sarah leave early i KNEW something was gonna happen n i told her i'd leave too but she didnt want to n said her bro was burning the ring 2 so we'd have to wait for it.. n yeh we end up lying in her couch/bed thing in front of the tv, put on 'the devils pond' which was shit n yeh just talked n like shes lying SO close to me n all.. n like.. yehh i dunno.. i wanted to kiss her SO much like omg lol n then not long after we put on the ring 2 (which was also shit lol) then soon enuff i find us holding hands under the blanket lol n then gradually we just got closer n more touchy-feely. n all that time im thinkin of her and her gf n wat would happen and wat i'd do.. but yeh eveutually she kisses my neck and WOAH watta rush and i try not to kiss her lips and theyre right there in front of me n im telling her not to n that its wrong (only to turn us on even more ARGH) n then i feel her tongue on my lip and then ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH we kiss. n yeh well we gave in. n yehh n the silly thing is i asked her wen i first met her if she'd cheat on her gf n she said no she couldnt do it.. well she said she couldnt do it unless there was reason to =o | n then yeh we get all into it.. aw shes a good kisser hehe n then yeh we just held each other all nite n fell alseep! she had to work at like 7 so i left at like 5.30ish n got home at 6am.. didnt expect to sleep there all nite but yeh, well i kinda knew it would happen.. n we kinda talked abit n shes like 'would u go out with me if i didnt have a gf' n i dunno.. like sometimes she comes off immature.. not that she means to be, but u can tell shes a lot younger n i dunno how much that bothers me? =o| but yeh she said it had to end sometime with her gf n that it was now or never... ayiyiyi WHY must i always be the IN BTWN?!? *cries* im soo retarded its not funny lol
but yeh i did like being with her n being all affectionate n close.. shes like, i dunno.. a lil tomboy? a REALLY cute one tho?! like wow shes gorgeous! if she was taller she could be a model!! lol but yeh.. we'll see i dunno wat to do really.. i feel too old for her in a way.. today she worked n we chatted a bit online n msged each other all day.. i thought about her heaps.. i wanted to see her but held myself back.. i just came home from rons place where we had a good catch up bout things.. aww i luv that boy. made me realise how much i missed him..
2moro back to work NOoOoo.. in a few hrs actually so i should prolly sleep soon. i dunno wat im doin n gettin myself into. and GRR that ruby girl msged me off gaydar with somethin bitchy.. i dunno why shes tryna start me for?! like i thought everything had been left alone n fine but yeh she had to go n do that but watever i didnt msg back or anything im gonna do the right thing n just leave it.. she likes bridgette (tasmanian one lol) n bridgette n i had a talk tonight a long catch up on the wkend n then she msged me on my phone saying how much she still likes me.. n how she'd choose me over ruby any day.. but she knows im confused n to stay away otherwise she'll get hurt.. argh.. like i like being with the girl she does make me happy.. but i dunno man.. its like ron n i were saying if u gotta think twice about being with a person then u shouldnt.. n like with bridgette i did have to think about it.. with bri i am thinkn bout it but she makes me feel all giddy n stuff? a good giddy the butterfly type..ron reckons its just lust but yeh i dunno atm..i know amy still likes me but knows there no hope really n thats cool, we still talk n all.
LoL my sis finally apologised! she came into my room after i got back from being with the girls all day yesterday.. n like i was a bit angry at the start then calmed down and she knew she was wrong n then we both did the i love u thing hugged n made up.. she was really sweet too.. saying shed always be therer for me n everything n how shes moving out in like 2 wks so didnt want things to be bad.. im SO glad she came around tho. like a big relief n made me super happy. and then LoL whilst we were talkn n catching up i came out like i couldnt hold it any longer n told bout the.. girl thing! =o| lol but yeh imma leave that til another day coz im gonna fall outta my chair soon hehe lots more to come. til then, im out.
|Subject:||too much drama|
so much crap.
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so much crap.
so much crap.
right so heres the rundown on some situations lol
one night at alia like 2 wks ago i was so pissed off coz ruby grabs me (and ive never really spoken to her before properly) and shes all like 'i wanna talk to u.. wats ur problem? how come u never come up n say hi to me or talk to me?? wats ur game? wat are u bi, gay?!' i was like WTF who does she think she is talkn to me like that.. at first i thought she was kiddin but then she goes on 'why did u hurt bridgette for? shes the sweetest girl i know.. why did u lead her on and get with another girl at girlbar?? why are u trying to upset ppl?!' OMG like i wanted to hit her! like first of all, me n bridgette had sorted out stuff already prior to girlbar.. had our talk about where we stand and we were all cool.. i guess coz bridgette was all upset about it n we hadnt talked about it and ruby assumed it was her duty to be all protective and interogate me. PFFT just coz ruby was interested in bridgette wen they first met, but bridgette liked me.. ayiyi. and then apart from all that she goes on about that idiot damian and katia.. who i hadnt talked to that much that nite, but he'd msged me n tried calling a few days before but i never responded to it anyways.. n all hed said to me that night was 'theres all these crazy rumours goin around'; im like 'about wat?!' hes like 'u know.. u and me?~' wth?! so then rubys all like 'WHY are u trying to hurt damian n katia.. and trying to break them up blah blah. im like EXCUSE ME?! HEs the one who wanted to sleep with me n i said no?! wtf. n like i didnt do anything? so he kissed me here n there.. but thats about it.. i think the main thing was him wanting to cheat on his gf with me.. n i refused n said i didnt want to get in the way as nice as i could n he left it at girlbar with 'yeh ok keep this btwn u n me.. i feel like i can trust u.'' pfft wateveR so apparently says ruby hes gone around telling ppl im OBESSED with him and that im crazy n havent stopped calling him non stop. OMG drama?! LoL like HOW the hell do i get myself in these situations??? so rubys all talkin down to me as if im little 'look at me wen ur talkn to me" n all this shit.. like shes frickin 19 yrs old. grow up.. n like i didnt say anything to her coz i was so overwhelmed with everything.. didnt know wat to think and im not one to start fights with ppl anyway.. then everyone telln me 'dont worry bout her.. rubys stupid..' n how many ppl wanna hit her.. n how she nearly strangled irena.. omg violent and this is some skinny model chik where talkn about. (ok so she is pretty hot) lol but yeh n then shes like 'why would u want damian wen u could have me? dont u want me over him? omg like get over urself! lol n she ended it with 'well u better go sort it out' wen i havent done anything wrong.. hes the one spreading shit just coz i said no to him so I would look bad. typical huh?! i wanted to slap her AND him.
so i went to have a word with brdigette and then got mad at her.. asking her wtf ruby was doin coming up n interrogating me about her and me. n then she got mad.. n i felt bad coz i knos bridgettes not a bad person.. so she ends up getting drunk for the rest of the nite.. lol
damian and katia i didnt speak to.. i was put in such a bad position with ppl that nite.. then vanessa pulls me aside saying she wanted to talk to me bout her point of view.. n how she does business with damian and how she cant run it with him anymore, and promote these gays nites if hes gonna hit on girls like that. and so basically she brought it down to me. and that she wanted 'proof' of wat hes been saying n crap so she could decide whether to work with him or go off with other ppl. so the WHOLE situation got blown outta proportion. like TOTALLY so were sitting in the toilet of alia n shes goin on in a very formal manner 'yeh i wish we could all go out and talk about this properly.. in the open.. over a meal' Lo LWTF over a meal! i thought that was hilarious.. and she wanted her frickn 'proof' n by that time damian had left n was callin me already.. i dunno why so i talked to him and let her listen to me about wat he was saying.. n he wanted me to come over in a cab n hed pay for itn everything. pfft. then i hung up on him n havent heard from him since. so there. they got theire stupid proof.. but i do understand that hes a close friend of theirs n stuff but still.. im jus the unfortunate one he had to hit on.. and i actually thought he was decent at first.. n even considered the whole 3some thing?! well come on.. with him who resembles collin farrel and his gf who looks like ashlee simpson?! lol but yeh obviously i wouldnt lol so that night was shit. we took home bridgette who was so drunk n she was tryna get me to stay over but i didnt.. i was good and thought it best to go home otherwise things wouldve just got more complicated..
'soul kitty' the night vanessa, katia, damian and ruby run is on 2moro nite.. everyones goin so im spose to go to.. but eh. dont want any trouble.. ive got enough issues on my plate as it is. i dunno how i get myself into so much shit all the time. the only reason i would wanna go is coz a lot of the girls are goin.. n its rnb/hip hop but yeh we'll see
went to see the amityville movie with mal, jae and amy at crown the night after.. then went n did some research about it.. reading all these sites n how theres meant to be a 'curse' i wasnt scared wen i watched it and i'd seen the old version so got the jist of wat it was about.. then that night, jae drove me home n we both freaked ourselves out coz we kept thinkn bout it n getting scared.. so she had to sleep over n missed work the next day lol but anyways this is all relevant coz all this bad shit was happening to me after i watched it. like apparently anyone whos had any kind of involvement with the movie, reviews or visited it.. is spose to encounter a bad set of accounts n crap which i thought it was crap anyways lol like the whole curse thing but then a few things happened after that night which made me think otherwise... =o|
so then sat night went out.. dunno if i wrote about this.. we went to lories which was wat i expected.. a lot of young tyr-hardy black wannabes lol i felt like i was back at a high school party.. anyways i cant believe i actually had a cake ordered in for her at work n everything.. stayed for like 2 hrs n it finished at 12. that afternoon jae n i went into the city to have a look around n then i saw the chick working at caharrt and she knows carl and she was goin to his goin away party that night n told me to turn up.. i gave her my pink hat coz ive got two.. she really wanted it.. n then yeh got her name n woo hoo. thought it gave me a chance to talk to her outside of her work n all.. small world.. coz carl works at g-star across from her in melb central. so yeh after lories the girls - jae, mal, linda lol n i went to carls on brunswick st.. didnt know anyone there but thought it was nice that i turned up.. he was off his face by that time anyways.. n then im looking around n who comes up to me??? casey! wtf. i didnt think she was gonna be there n stuff! so we caught up a littel. was kinda weird.. then i said my hellos to carl who kinda kissed me =o| and THEN the carharrt girl was there! omg shes SO pretty n she was so happy about the hat thing lol aw arent i sweet lol and we chatted for a bit and she gave me her number.. n i asked her if she was straight and she said yes but shes gotten with girls before wen shes been drunk? lol n that shes got a bf whos like 18 and shes 24.. n she wanted to pya me or give me something small for the hat lol but i said of course dont worry bout it. it was only 25bux anyways. n then yeh shes like 'im a really friendly person.. once ur my friend u'll never get rid of me' LoL im like 'cool' but then i told her i go out with girls too n shes like 'yeh cool i know lots of gay/bi ppl' n i told her thats how i met carl.. at alia as a bartender there n she said shes been there before n her n carl hang out sometimes.. but she doesnt go on a thurs nite lol poo. but yeh so anyways i was all wrapped that we talked like WOW a girl i see wen im out shopping n she gave me her number! lol n then we thought we'd leave coz we didnt know anyone n the girls looked uncomfortable.. n so i looked for carl to say goodbye and he was with casey and then casey was kinda drunkish n was all talking to me.. telling me hows shes playing with 8 girls?! wtf. and shes all like 'u know u can always call me.. u know where i live now u can come by.. call me' kinda thing im all brushing it off with 'ur drunk u dunno wat ur saying.. ur plate is full u dont want me..' n shes all 'why not? ur hot.. theres always room for more..' wateveR (but she is good looking lol) n then she like kissed me! infront of everyone! omg i was so embarrassed! n then i tried to push her opff me and she kept kissing me! omg.. so totally unexpected =o| n theres all these girls lookn at us n crap.. n i know SHE doesnt give a shit.. but helloo me..??! n then i look over at mal n that n theyre all smirking at me.. so i left then bumped into carl n said farewell n then HE kisses me! WTH in the period of like under 5 min! as if they'd planned it and yehh yuck he didnt taste nice. omg so i had to push him off me. i didnt know wth was happening n my friends didnt either.. omg wouldve looked really bad... n yeh we left n ended up at st kilda at some pizza place til 4-5am
gosh im so bi.. =o|
i get home at 5.30ish then get up at like 8 coz my sis is yelling n crap.. i dunno wtf shes goin on about n get up only to realise shes taking shit out on me?! wtf. so im like tryna ask her wtfs wrong with her n shes goin on about mum n how i never help her n how apparently that morning mum was asking me for her help with something n she thought i refused wen i didnt even recall it anyways so she called michelle n thats why she was mad coz she had to come home from whereever she was.. n yeh she wouldnt listen to me.. so our argument escalated to the point where we were yelling like there was no tomorrow.. like it was really bad.. so bad that all i could do was threaten to kill myself if she didnt shut up. so i did. n thtat was bad.. but i guess i was desperate? n then thats wen she stopped saying shit like 'get out nobody likes u ur useless.. i hope u live in guilt for the rest of ur life..' etc. like seriously verbally abusing me. so wen i took out a knife and went to my room she kinda shut up and i sat there in bed crying away wanting to be left alone.. n then theres a knock on my door like 5 min later and i dunno who the hell it is.. n its the police!!@ WTF> and 3 of them.. 3 guys came into my room took the knife away (Coz my sis had called them coz she didnt know wat to do) and then they were like asking if i had any other weapons.. n i was so shocked coz i didnt expect to be goin thru all that stuff.. stupid sister like why did she handle it like that? like she didnt need to yell at me in the first place. n like i udnerstand how she could be frustrated with shit but she coudlve listened to me coz i seriously didnt know wtf was goin on.. so anyways they tell me im under arrest for threatening to harm myself.. and they wouldnt even turn around n let me change! coz they said they didnt know who i was n wat i was capable of.. and as standard procedure i had to go with them! to the station and that i had no choice! omg like i just wanted to cry and sleep it all off.. n so they take me n i walk out with them and they put in the back of the police van n im sitting in there feeling like a criminal.. n i changed out of my froggy pjs lol like thats all i was worried about.. how i lookd lol and then they drove me away to the station wheere they put me in one of those rooms which looked like an interrogation room the kind u see in the movies with the 2 way mirrror, white walls n nothing else but chairs and a table lol and then he locked me in there for like 2 hrs until ppl from the CAT team the crisis team had to come n talk to me.. n then the cops like asking me if i want any coffee n im like 'uhh yeh do u have skinny milk n equal sugar??; lol but yeh so i waited for 2 hrs then a guy n girl came down to speak to me asking me wat i do .. how ive been sleeping, if i do any drugs.. wat i did the nite before.. n then they gave me numbers of places to call so i could go see ppl for like anger managment n they were asking me if i really waned to die.. n i htink they realised that i was a pretty normal ish kinda kid.. i think its just family shit that pusjed me to thge whole suicidal thing so if anything my famil needs counceling n thats wat i said to them n they said to offer it to them but if they didnt want then to go see someone myself. blah. n like they kinda work with my mum too so i guess its kinda embarrassing for her since they had to see me! lol n then they leave lock me up in the room again n then the cops drove me home.. i get home all crying still n nobodys there.. i dunno where anyone is at that point still n then later that night my sis comes home acting all innocent n does the cooking and ironing n then my mum comes home to see me n asked me wat was goin on n then apparently she was asking me to take my bro to work that morning at like 10 n she said i answered but coz i was in such a deep sleep i was talkn but didnt recall it. n then she assumed i refused so didnt want to wake me coz she thoughjt i'd be angry so called my sis to come hom n thats why my sis was mad. so anyways that whole day my mum went with gerry to venus bay! after all that shit! and i went thru all that for THAT. n i went to my n yelled at her for makin me think mum was sick n needed my help n she just sat there n ignored me so i said that shes scarred me for life and damaged our relationship n that if she ever wanted anything to be better she'd have to apologise. n nope. no remorse wat so ever. blah. n all i wanted to do on my day off was wash some clothes.. go to the gym. pfft. so much for that..
then the nest day lucky i wasnt working i went to the docs coz by tht point my voice was gone. i couldnt speak i waited at the docs for 3 hrs n then the doc gave me a number to make an ppointment with some throat specialist i was meatn to see ages ago..n he said he couldnt help me out or give me anything for it and that if it was really bad.. if i had vocal nodules n polyps. in extreme cases i may need surgery. omg =o\ lol n THEN my fone fucked up on me. like its never happened before n ive only had it for like 4 months!! GRR. so had no phone n stuff then had to go back to work the next day...
the nest morning freak me out coz i woke up su usual at like 5 n there was this buzzing noise so im tryna find out where its comin from n i was picking up all these objects around my desk thinking it was coming from there. like my pen,, n hairbrush lol n then its leading toward under my bed so i go under my bed n coz ive changfed my room around recentlyn moved shit i put away my bear clock coz the batteries were dead anyways.. butbthere was this buzzing coming from the shoebox. n i open it up and theres the bear clock making some funny buzzing noise ands the clock face is like near 3.15!!! like in the amityville omg i freaked ripped out the batteries shoved it back under my bed n sped off to work.
i couldnt even speak at work. felt bad but i pushed myself to work. i shouldve really taken some time off... but needed the money. so yeh worked went tothe gym that day.. my money got stuck in the locker so i lost a cpl of dollars then went on the treadmill n then nearly lost my watch underneath one so some lady had to come n get it out with a big stick n shes like 'gee. ur having a bad night arent u' lol if only she knew... went to try n fix my phone.. nearly broke down in tears coz he said they had to make an upgrade and that i'd lose EVERYTHING on there.. numbers.. pixs.. images everything GRR. i was so mad and im not really one to get mad at retail ppl but yeh then some really nice guy came n sat next to me n spoke to me consoling me kinda coz his phone was being repaired too n he was like 30! but looked SO young n was really good looking n said he worked for fox sports channel or something in sth melb? lol but yeh he was nice.. brightened up my day :D n he said he was with fitness first as well..
then that day i promised bridgette i'd go se her. so i went home.. caught a tram back out.. all these weird psycho dero ppl got on the tram.. these aboriginal guys got on n tried to pick me up then asked me for money lol then this weird guy got on n he acted as if he was posessed ! omg so scary then i got off the tram then caught one to her place.. then got there at like 11 at night n yeh we caught up n she bought me some lemon herbal tea which was really sweet of her n we slept.. n yeh stuff happened but i didnt want to have sex with her coz it wouldve been weird n i had to work the next day.. then the next morning went to work at 6 and got home then amy wanted to catch up that night.. but i told bridgette i'd go back to her place and pick up my tea since she was goin to tasmania for the long wkend.. then i catch a train back out at like 8ish at night bridgette tells me its too late wen i was half way there! grr. then i went tstraight to crown n met up with amy who just finished soccer n yeh we ate inside the casino area.. talked n yeh she was really cool coz i told her bout everything that happened.. n yeh she made me feel better coz up until that point i hadnt really spoken to anyone about stuff. n then we had ice cream and then she took me home n i got home at like 2-3ish but before i get out.. i hugged her to say goodbye n thank u and she kissed me on the lips and we kinda kissed?! WTF =o| i dunno wat happened nthen yeh i went to bed.. lol
woke up the next day.. worked.. visited sara the carharrt girl.. went to see carl who said he was goin to alia that nite and yeh went home n went to alia that nite with the usual girls. casey was there she apologised for carls on say nite saying she was drunk so did sara at alia and so did carl lol dunno if he remember kissing me but we didnt bring it up lol ruby n all that werent there thank god otherwise there would have been drama.. and then melissa nd her bf maz the girl i was with at girlbar came out to meet me and yeh they didnt stay long n i wish she didnt come with him coz him standing around in the background kinda made me uncomfortable and then i took her out and we kissed and OMG shes a bloody good kisser!! but her bf was right there lol so was kinda weird n im not into 3somes or being with someone with a partner lol WHY do i always get these ones who wanna cheat, want me for a 3some or ust use me as the side thing.. the other woman! argh. sux. so yeh she n max left n msged me the next day with 'WE can come pick u up etc.' but i didnt respond coz yeh i dont want to get involved in anything so that was that.
shit. 3 girls in 3 days? i dunno man
bridgette.amy.melissa..damian..casey..carl.. ARGH. i dunno wat im doin. seriously LoL
anyways so thats all that. =o| *breathe*
they say girls are heackfucks
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and i never thought so..
i think i am too.. =o| lol
argh. where do i start??
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hrm ok i think i'll just say whatever's randomly popping up in my head hehe
well last thurs bridgette n i had a 'talk' i dunno if ive mentioned bridgette before but yeh shes the new girl from tasmania who i was with a cpl of wks ago... eh. yehh well i took it as a one off kinda thing, but yeh little did i know how attached she was? oh i dunno.. n like i get attached after im with someone but for some reason, atm, lately.. i just dont?? lol sounds heartless i know.. but yeh anyways so we decided to just be 'friends' she said wat i want and wat she want is different.. meaning she wanted a a relationship n that it was all or nothing so yeh glad we gtot that sorted out.. i was happy inside haha evil. only coz i know that wen im with her, like shes nice n adorable n all but my heart n minds always off thinking about other.. ppl or somethin? n yeh thats how i knew im not meant to really be with her.. but anyhow shes a great girl and in a way its kinda disappointing that i cant like, have those kinda feelings for her? sad how i cant have those feelings for anyone atm..
i dunno wats happened to me =o|
ANYWAYZ.. alia thurs invovled meeting katia's bf damian =o| hrm and yeh ok hes cute n i find him attractive... coz im a sucker for that whole latino thing (they reckon he resembles collin farell?) yeh but anyways he was great to talk to and.. and and yeh.. it was obvious we were both attracted to each other but HELLOO hes gf was right there.. of 4 years too???!!! then toward the end of the night he starts saying all this stuff to me like how he wanted me n how hed never really been attracted to an asian girl before.. how i should be represntative of them all etc. PFFT watevA. lol n we danced.. close.. ugh. not good.. n then he said goodbye and pretty much kissed me.. like semi kissed me? i dunno was weird.. didnt know wat to think of it all n he said he would be at girlbar the next day so i'd see him there.. and katia, shes such a nice girl and sweet n all.. =o\
security dude was at alia too.. still tryna make his moves. EW> i cant believe i gave him my number??! i dunno wat i was thinkn.. hes so arrogant.
carl was working.. aw i like him.. hes leaving to go to syd for good in a cpl of weeks.. i dunno if i'd date him tho? still he was really sweet taking like 70bux off my g-star pants =oD
joel (the nes guy who took over managing the pulp juice store) for a while is leaving back to syd next wk for good too =( aww and he was the only guy i really talked to. last wk he came up to me n told me he loved asian girls.. ahaha anyways last fri before i left i got his number and he said he wanted to get to know me n ask me out n catch up n stuff so aww.. hes a sweetie too.. not all that attractive but hes italian n theres something cute about him - well i actually thought he was gay at first Lol maybe i'll see him sometime toward the end of this wk?
gianni has been both annoying but.. cute? in a way. lol like hesl ooking better n all.. n i dunno after the whole 'i love u thing' things have been a TINY bit weird.. well awkward for me coz i feel like he expects a bit more from me now.. n like he tries to hold my hand n touch me more n i dunno make me feel like his gf.. but IM NOT!!! i just wanna be single n have my fun i think? n i told him that n he said hed wait around or i dunno.. *sigh* but then at the same time i like being with him? he does make me laugh n is nice n sweet n all.. oh why cant feelings just be there?!?!? for ONE person dammit! the bad thing was, we went out last nite to my bros 18 bday thing at mayfields on smith st, then to club f4 to his friends bday n like we fought about me spending time with other guys? coz i told him how ervin wanted to take me out on his motorbike today n he cracked it!! lol n yehh it pissed me off coz i dont like feeling like i have restrictions.. or that i have to feel bad or worry or feel guilty bout hanging out with other GUYS. hes even getting jealous of other GIRLS now?! wth lol
ok so anyways girlbar last fri was.. interesting?! lol mal n jae came to pick me up.. aww i luv my new found gay girls hehe theyre so good to me =P and yehh a lot of girls n all.. the only difference with this one was that there were actual dancers? like routine ones? to rnb?!! n omg they played a bit of rnb too?! woah that was cool hehe lots of pretty girls.. saw the usual girls there too. karen came with chloe and teri n em and one of karens friends from work who was alrite but i couldnt check her out properly coz i think some girl picked her up? lol maks friend melissa was there with her bf.. who i saw briefly last yr wen i took mel LoL n she was interested in hooking up that time but nothing happened.. damian was there n yeh we talked and.. stuff =o| we danced and.. stuff =o| katia was there.. n yehhh.. ARGHHHHHHH we umm kissed.. and stuff =o| on the dancefloor.. n yehh alsdn;alsmd;las,m i was really attracted to him tho.. we were dancing close getting all.. toey? lol n yehh stuff kinda happened but i stopped it.. n he started asking me stuff like if i would have an affair and how hed never slept with an asian girl etc. =o| WHY AM I ALWAYS THE OTHER WOMAN ????!?!?!?! (he said i was a good kisser tho? hehe so that was something cool =P) n i told him i liked him n would be with him if i didnt know of katia n how nice n sweet she was n then i talked to her for a bit n shes like 'yeh i love him i love him so much hes so good to me..' =o| little does she know wat he gets up to.. he said hes never cheated before but wanted to with me.. n asked me if we didnt have sex, sex that would be ok?! and then he wanted just phone sex?! wtf. LoL n so yeh i said to cool it.. n that we shouldnt n yehh gosh. someone had to put their foot down!!!
and all this time bridgette was around.. so yeh was kinda uncomfortable lol but noone saw.. i dont think anyways =o|
ok and THEN (gosh this is draining, even to write?! lol) so much stuff goin in my head right now i need an outlet so yeh this would be it hehe so yehh.. that girl melissa tells her bf shes interested n her bf was really nice too.. i wouldnt be with him coz hes not that attractive but he said it'd just be for her.. so we get talking etc.. then before we left.. umm.. yehhhh we kinda.. kissed?! LoL i dunno well we got together n stuff =o| and like yehh... she had really nice lips n all soft n stuff *butterflies* lol shes alrite looking not like hot hot or anything.. omg i sound so superficial?! lol but yeh shes italian n shesm sged me a few times.. coz she lives in like thomastown!/ which is SO close to me n all lol gosh mal knows some pretty girls?! like she knows everyone and OOH we got introed to kayla (eyecandy) lol but yehh it was like kayla, vanessa, ruby, katia... all of them in a row.. man i HAVE to take aphoto.. but casey, melissa and tali need to be in it too.. wow hot bi/gay girls!! thatd be cool =P
so i end up being with a straight guy whos gf was there n whos bi =o|
and a bi girl with a straight bf who was there too
omg im like, such a true BI person?! wats up with that!??
(i think andrea has a crush on me or something?! she keeps msging me n stuff =o| noOOOoo )
and ok it doesnt even end there...
last nite after i was hanging out with gianni.. jacki msged me coz she went to the avril concert n was in melb with her gay cousin.. n they were out at xchange so of course i wanted to meet them,. coz i mean i didnt expect her to be down this wkend n all.. so.. soon n since i was out n stuff already.. n i was with gianni n i dont think he was too happy about me meeting her n all LoL but yeh we ended up meeting up.. nearly walked past them on the bench near xchange haha was like a movie meeting thing hehe n yehh shes pretty much wat i expected.. cute face but kinda haggish lookin? lol i dunno.. but yeh wasnt too uncomfortable or anything nwe got along just as we do on the phone.. cant believe she was right there in front of me.. like in the flesh kinda thing haha nwe stayed at x til it closed then ended up at the market which was really busy =o| havent been there in a while hehe n i dragged gianni along to these places haha but he left before i went into the market... n yeh i bought her a few drinks n we chatted.. nothing happened tho (to cut the story short lol) whislt we were at the market however, i had this gay guy come up to me and KISS ME.. with TONGUE n all! omg i didnt want to! n he made me!! omg pressure EWWWWWWWW. i've NEVER Kissed a gay guy before and his bf was right next to him?! WTF. YUCK and his bf wanted to kiss me too.. omg he said it was coz he thought i was pretty yada yada. =o| and so jacki n i pretended to be gfs lol n them some asian dude who said he was bi wanted to kiss me n he kinda did?! omg YUCK. n yehh it didnt stop him n he nearly got into a fight with matt jackis cousin lol matt picked up this guy tony who was really sweet n yeh he drove us to st kilda beach at like 5am and we ended up staying there til like 8.30ish?! omg n then i took jacki n her cousin matt back to thomastown (her cousin lives so close!) and i got home at like 9am this morning =o| matt n jacki are so.. rowdy?! lol so much energy which is cool for a bit.. but then after aw hile gets alil tiring =o| n yehh typical gay guys haha the attraction factor is obviously lacking A LOT.. shes a nice girl tho. i havent changed wat i thought about her before we met.. shes so happy n stuff even tho shes got a lot of shit to deal with in her life with her parents n living by herself, maintaining 2 jobs.. studying etc. i dunno how she does it? and shes so smart n stuff too.. she went into a draw to win missy higgins tix in syd and she said if she won she'd take ME! wow i was so flattered! but i'd have to go next mon n stuff haha as if we'd win.. but yeh ya never know..
i feel like i dunno where my heart has gone these days. or if i even have one anymore..
i feel sad =o(
i feel like i just dont care in a way.. goin aroudn doin watever (as u can see lol) which i know isnt good.. i never used to be like this? or this bad.. i dunno wat happened.. but ppl say ur young its ok but when i think about it.. i've been with every sexuality under the sun in the past few days.. a gay girl (bridgette), bi girl (melissa), straight guy (damian), gay guy (lloyd or wtaever his name was scary guy who looked like tim curry lol) and that bi guy =o| *cries* what the fucks happening to me???
maybe its near the time of the month. coz i feel all moody n stuff.
fighting with family a whole lot lately. esp the sis. shes being really bitchy n stuff. grr
things not too good at work anymore.. on the verge of quitting coz im fed up with being stuffed around. like they think i can just drop everything for them wen they need?! wtf is that. n for the amount of work i do n running around n all im begining to think its not worth wat im getting paid.. i mean i luv working there coz im comfortable now n all but yehh.. i dunno.. n im goin back to school soon gotta think bout that.. i'll have no money!! =o( noOoo i've been offered some kind of work for this new rnb nite at billboards on fri nites.. dunno wat i'll be doin.. maybe just talkn to ppl n walking around signing ppl up to mailing lists n stuff i dont really know.. but once a wk cash in hand.. we'll see. i have a meeting with them tues evening so i'll find out more then.. still want to do this PCA course thing.. STILL want to go to japan.. just need to get OUT of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh n i got a nose ring the other day haha.. was walking aroudn the city n coz i've always wanted one, needed to do something spontaneous n kind of exciting lol so went to off ya tree on swanston (the ppl there are weird lol) n yeh it hurt.. n i was teary but yeh i did it n eh. looks ok.. need a smaller stud tho.
ate a shitload of junk food today. not cool. lol need to go to the gym 2moro!!!!
ok that is all, must go clean my room now or something lol need to release all this energy onto something more..productive.
|Subject:||its been a while..|
ok so its been agess.. i stopped writing in my LJ, coz i dunno who was reading it anymore n i was holding back a lot with things i wanted to say.. too much censoring to the point where i felt like i was lying. then again, i spose THAT journal wasnt meant to be all serious and deep anyways.
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think i saved all that stuff for this one lol
so its easter. happy easter to u all =) time goes fast coz i remember this time last yr mel was over at my house and we were both left alone from our families and she drove down at like 2am in the morning from mentone and we had one of 'those' nights.. those nights which began the series of similar nights to follow in the comin weeks.. our little sleep overs, cooking for the family, eating junk watching tv, bumming around in our pjs and both skipping work.. ahh fun times. i miss that closeness with her. shes gotta bf now and i havent seen her since her bday in dec. she forgot my bday and that me sad.. she asked me on msn the other day 'soo isnt ur bday coming up soon? let me know wat ur doin for it'' i was like :-O! 'umm well yeh it past like over.. a month ago?" haha well i didnt expect her to remember anyways, shes always been wrapped up in herself anyways.. guess she hasnt changed much. at the same time i still feel kinda sorry for the girl.. we have that relationship where we're we dont have to see each other for months n months, n yet after all that absence.. when we do hang out, its as if nothing has changed and all that time hasnt past.. and thats a good thing =)
karen just called.. shes gotta girl herself which is good *thumbs up* all the more support to her.. she deserves to be with someone who loves her for her and who'll treat her right.. as long as shes happy than more power to her.
been working heaps. ugh i know i cant believe it. me?! lasting in a job for longer than.. a week? a month? lol well i've been workin there since last nov so thats cool.. now i work from 6.30-4 most days during the wk! get up at 4.30 drive my car to the station and catch the first train into the city which is at 5.49! haha crazy i really dont know how i do it AND i've just joined up at the gym recently again too.. so after work i go to the one on collins st which is just close by, aim to run bout 5k a day.. n i do that in about 30-40 min n then go home, go to bed and the next day same shit. argh. stuck into a routine which is both good and bad. also deferred uni for the semester so should be goin back next sem.. if ive sorted out all my uni shit properly that is =o|
tashas on msn atm.. we TRY n talk but eh. i dunno anymore.. i think the realisation of 'nothing happening' btwn us finally hit me and the fact that after all the effort i made and how hard i tried.. she acted like she didnt give a shit about it all.. and made me feel like it was all one sided so yehh wasnt worth the effort n the end hey?! lol so yeh we still talk, but i dont ever want to go back to being in that kinda situation as i was.. and for ALL the bloody time! so yeh, shes really missed her chance if anything.. but eh. shit happens. why should be makin all this effort, for wat?! so yeh..
been goin on on thurs.. wk after wk. n its better now coz i know more ppl in the scene.. girls i feel more comfortable relating to and hanging out with...more femme ones i guess.. gay girls who dont act like guys lol and yeh thats cool.. meeting new ppl every wk and everyone seems to know everyone anyways.. small community. i dunno wats happened to me but its like i think i've become a 'get with a new person each wk' kinda thing =o| oh gawdd.. wats happened to me??! i actually ended up with casey (who i was infatuated with for SO long!) turns out her personality sux which was a real disappointment since shes soooo amazingly good looking! like, i always thought she was the best looking girl in the whole melbourne gay girl scene! lol was with sophie a wk after that.. uhh bad mistake (but she was a good kisser? lol) was seeing amy for a while but err.. didnt work out, i wasnt into it as much as she was.. was with tali before getting together with her gosh. the ex gf still lingers lol and just last wk was with this girl i met from tasmania called bridgette =o| wats goin on aye?! i'll spare u all from the unnecessary, long, boring, details of each haha
but yeh i am in another similar situation to the whole tasha one.. EXCEPT this girl is in..ballarat?! haha im gettin better ? =P and yehh she msged me off gaydargirls and we started chattin on msn and starting chatting heaps n then she asked for my number n we did the msging thing and then yehhh now we talk all the time n msg each other all the time. ARGH. we've told each other we like each other n stuff.. considering we havent met.. ayiyi. but the thing is ive never met anyone like her?! i 've never met a girl or guy before with such a sweet personality???! shes so beautiful and shes cute too hehe.. i dunno something about her just blows me away and i dont understand it.. and i dont understand why these things gotta happen to me?! am i being punished lord? still?!
i dunno anything anymore..
sometimes, your heart leads in a direction of its own..
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since i just deleted my livejournal (such a waste of all the hard work i put into that! lol) i wanted to save one of the entries from just before new years.
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2003 went something like:
21st’s, air hockey, air mail, airport, alcohol, Alia, all berry bangs, America, Amos, Amy, angelina, Anita, arts, Ashanti, asthma, Australian idol, automatic café, backseats, bahaha! Bash, basketball, becoming, being lazy, Bentleigh, bic runga, #bifemsex, big brother, Big Mouth, bisexuality, biting lesbians, black tops, blockbuster, bludging, Blurty, boots breaking, botanical gardens, 'breathin’ easy', bumming, butterflies, cabs, Caitlyn, camera phones, canberra, cappucinos, caramel frappucinos, Carnegie, cars, car sessions, cats, CC USA, cds, Chadstone, change, chatting, chewy, Chloe, Chris, Chrisria, cinemas, city, clarytine, 'colourblind', 'come a little closer,' 'cooling', cool water, copying notes, cotton on, cougars, cramming, 'crave', Crown Towers, 'cry me a river', Cyndi, Cyndi’s asthma attack, czarina, Damian, Dan, Daniel, Daniel.O, Daniela, Dave, Daylesford, Debating, delta, digital cameras, dreams, 'dreams,' dress ups, drinking in the park, driving, dvds, Eko, Ellie, emails, Emma, Emmanual, emo, 'empty', England, Eric, Europe, 'everywhere', Fabian, failing a subject, Feeling Fruity, Felicity, finding nemo, Frankston line, french, froggy, funeral, Gene, Gentlemen’s Club, Georgina, Gerard, gia, Gianni, Gillian, girls, Glasshouse, glasses, 'goodbye to you', Greg, guitar, Guy, guys in eyeliner, hayfever, Hebrew, hello cards, hey you, Hithanjanee, hot guy Julian, Hotel Grand Chancellor, html, hypochondria, ICQ, i love yous, 'i miss you', internet, italian, Italy, Israel, Janice, Japanese, Jeff, Jessica, Jo, Josh, jpg files, jogging, juve's pizza, karaoke, Karen, Karen's car, karen dizon (from uni), Kelly Hu, Keysborough, kissing jessica stein, kristen Kreuk, LA, Late Macca’s, law, Leanne, lemongrass, library, Livejournal, Liz, LoLs, lord of the rings, Lorenzo, love, Luciano, lucky cup, Lucy, magnetic dartboards, making jewellery, maltese dogs, Marc, Marco, Marcus, Maria, Mario, Mark, Market, Mark's friends, Marxism, matrix, media, meeting new ppl, Melanie, Melbourne Central, Melissa, Melissa.P, Mens Gallery, Mentone, Michael.S, Michelle Branch, michelle n phu, Mirc, Mogenic, Monica, moving out, movies, Mrs. Fields, MSN, muahaha!, mum n gerry, nat, Next Blue, New York, Nicole, Nikki, 'not too shabby', Nova Vista, no vince, NUL, Odeon, Olly, old OLMC friends, online journals, orals, palm reading, parks, Patrick, payphones, peaches, Peel, Perth, petrol stations, pfft!, philosophy of science, phonecalls with private numbers, phonecards, photocopying, piano, picture msgs, pineapple, raspberry & lemonande, pink, pool, pregnancy tests, procrastinating, pubs, punk, QnA, rainbows, 'ralph', random guys @ clubs, 'randomness',red eye, rock, Roderick, rope nerds, Ron, room 208, Roxanne, Scotland, Sejus, sexyland, shopping, shorty, sign language, skipping lectures, sleep, smith street alleyway, Sonny, South Yarra, 'spicy chocolate',starbucks, STA travel, St Kilda, strawberry lush, stray cats, studded belts, subways, Sugababes, sunglasses, supersaver cards, survivor, Sven, table tennis, Tali, Tasha, tattoos, tea, TGIF’s, Thailand, the ATM line, the fruity feeling, 'the only one,'telemarketing, Teri, Teri’s friends, teri's underwear, thursdays, Tina, tinkerbelle, toe socks, toilets, Tomer, tori amos, trains, transvestites, trucker hats, uni, Uni Lodge, unwell, Vanessa, valentines day, vegetarians, vibrators, Victoria, Vietnam, vocab, wax, webcams, weed, 'will u be my girlfriend?', wrist bands, xchange, 'YOU dont understand!,' 'you're everything', xtina, zyrtec.
yup, that pretty much sums it all up for me. =oP
so i've just decided to scrap the whole LJ thing. not coz i dont like it.. but coz maybe it was a bad idea to have ppl read it. the thing is, thats what they're there for. its like an indirect way of telling ppl how u feel about stuff.. about them or whatever. and its kinda silly, coz like why cant ppl just say stuff in person or like talk about stuff instead of keeping stuff inside. like we should be able to, instead of just letting ppl find out stuff thru things like journals. i'll prolly keep this one coz noone reads it. well not that i know. god i hope noone reads this shit.. hrm maybe i'll stop writing in here too.. dunno. they're pretty dangerous i guess.. like fucks things up, its just trouble. and there was so much stuff i wanted to say in that LJ.. mainly about te whole tasha situation. but i know she reads it and i know tali reads it.. argh.. i dunno how i feel. me n tali have gotten closer. u can feel it and its pretty obvious. its a good thing coz its not like i can do anything about the tasha situation. grrs.. its all too confusing. =o\ im scared of.. love tho. i dont know if im in love with the girl.. and even if i was im not gonna say anything coz i figure that way she'll go on holiday and come back n things will be different.. i dunno. im thinking its all gonna end when she goes. maybe im kinda hoping it will.. just coz its less confusing that way. i know sounds bad. im not using the girl.. i like her. i really do. when im with her everything feels good, but.. *sigh* she doesnt open up really and that pushes me back. maybe thats a good thing?! asdklnasldmqw grrs.. im seriously going around in circles. i dont wanna do the whole 'i love u' thing. coz i dont wanna get hurt or hurt her later... i dont think she'd really care if i said i wanted to end it anyways. i dont think shes invested a lot of emotion to care enuff about wanting to stay together. guess its still an experimental thing for me too. but the whole tasha thing still drives me crazy.. fuck man!!! =o| why does it have to be so hard?? i dunno how i feel bout the tasha thing. it just becomes more n more apparent with tali.. that u CANT love someone this way. its all wrong, fake, make belief love. its just not real and they're not what u think they are and vice versa. and shit!! now i know shes def been reading my journal.. all those letters she says shes gonna throw away??! thats the stuff i've been waiting for for ages........... all the things i was longing to hear from her all fucking year. shit man. i dunno wat the fuck i've gotten myself into. ah well.. watever, fuck it. i just dont want to be on the net any way as near as much as i was b4. or in 2003. ayiyi.. =o\
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i dont feel like im good enuff for her or something. i think we're too different. like we can get along alright but.. her being so closed with feelings n expressing herself is putting me off. its like shes kinda stiff or something. like she doesnt know how to express herself, and thats kinda pushing me away a little or keeping my feelings at a distance. maybe thats a good thing, i dunno.
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shes going away in a few weeks. does that mean we break up?? it doesnt even feel like we're in a relationship. it just feels like a close friendship with a girl.. being physical of course. *sigh* maybe i should just give up on the whole thing all together. no more girls from now on. or maybe i should wait until she goes away, but then i dunno what i'd say. i dunno if i'd be hurt. i think i will be. i've become emotionally attached to her already.. and when im with her i just wanna be affectionate.. but maybe, just maybe its all just physical. im starting to feel like shes begining to know me.. really get to know me inside. i've told her a lot about me and past experiences so we've been personal. maybe its just dragging on but then on her side maybe its not. im not sure its as good as she says it is for her.. coz i know im making it sound like im happier and satisfied than what i really am. argh i just dunno..
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i dunno why i bother with this.
so much stuff has gone on tho. like a lot. dunno where to begin really. yeh, its xmas again. cant believe how fast the yr has really gone. its like just yesterday i came home from new yrs at my aunts place, went online and msged all these ppl off mogenic.. then a few days after that i got all these replies from ppl, and the nicest person who replied was tasha. and since then we've kept in contact.. the whole yr without meeting! without knowing each other.. in real life that is. pretty dam good i reckon.
xmas: had all these family friends over. the close ones and some other ppl i didnt know. there were a few of emmanuals reloz here too, since it was for his 3rd bday.. hes soo cute that kid, i just wanna hug him n squeeze him everytime i see him! i think he'll grow up to be pretty good looking.. hehe
soo much freakn food on xmas!!! my mum really went overboard with it all.. wasnt sure how many ppl we were really expecting but omg we had double the amount of food we really needed!!! i feel so yuck now tho, so groddy and fat. argh too much junk food.. too much chocolate n shit.. im breaking out into pimples.. eck.
was good to see lara, roseanne, vicky and chrystal. havent seen them all in a long long time. its weird tho, kinda like everyones putting on this overly nice act just for the sake of getting along. i guess thats better than being snobby n distant. still, i like being around all these old family friends coz it just feels.. good? i never really had any real family as in blood reloz here and all these friends felt like my family. just sad how we all grew up, stopped talking to each other and moved away. it was nice how we all came from england together. how our parents met nursing in england.. then one chose to move down to aust.. then the rest followed. and all our family friends or majority of them are all half cast kids like me and i always thought that was pretty cool too. growing up in not such a traditional cultural environment, but learnt to be open to other nationalites and practices and beliefs. our parties used to be full of soo many lil kids running around with all the adults drinking and laughing and playing mah jong till 2-3 in the morning. now, theres only a handful left. qauite sad really. oh well was good to see the ones that came.
me n mum worked pretty hard during the week in preparation for it. well, mum did soo much work for it. we all helped out.. gerry in the garden with mark and me n mum inside the house and prepared all this food! the good thing about it was being able to spend that quality time with mum. im always thinkng u never know what can happen 2moro to ppl.. and its that fear of regret thats always there in the back of my mind. thinking well what if this and what if that?? what if i never get another chance and regret not spending the time with her or anyone that i could have..
overall we had a pretty quiet xmas. we were all so tired from the party n stuff. woke up and half the day was gone pretty much but it was nice me, mum, mark n gerry. we watched a bit of tv together and i think that was symbolising spending quality time with each other. still, i cant complain. i wasnt really into xmas this yr. tried to get into it at the end.. but i just really dislike it. its lost its meaning really. unless ur around a lot of family n friends. maybe thats why i felt so 'bah humbug' about it. mm yeh i dunno..
been going around chadstone a lot lately. for shopping like the 24 hour trading day. omg!!! i've never been shopping so freakn late b4!! we were at chadstone till 4 in the morning!!! crazy really.. they must make SO much money out of it. and tali was working that shift too.. god.. she must've been sooo tired the poor thing. boxing day was pretty crazy as well.
i wish i had a job i liked. i wish i could work and be confident about working and about what im doing. i dunno whats wrong with me. but yeh i need money. freakn money causes so much problems. i havent worked for ages now! and soon michelle's coming back from thailand!! its different without her here. not a bad different. just.. different? but shes been writing heaps of emails. her and phu have a lot of time to kill and shes always writing which is good coz at least that way we can keep track of her since we cant really call her. she said a lot of stuff over there is really cheap. shes bought heaps of dvds and stuff and hooray mum n gerry finally bought one yesterday!! hehe
i could of wrote in my other journal but i feel like writing in here 2nite. weird. maybe i feel like i got heaps to say? i dunno..
saw tali yesterday and 2day. she came over and stayed the night and went home 2day. i've also seen tomer heaps lately. hes a good guy.. dunno how much im attracted to him but yeh.. hes patient and not fussy and really laid back and thats what i like. something about tali that bothers me. i dunno.. i mean i luv being with the girl. everythings ok when im with her.. i just feel.. unfulfilled? in a way? i dunno. like, shes a very attractive girl.. smart..funny all that good stuff. i luv the way she thinks.. about things. she makes me see things in a different way..from a differebt perspective i guess which is good. coz shes intellectually stimulating n all.. but like.. we're at a stage where we know we're going out and 2gether now.. but it just doesnt feel that way?? =o\ its weird. i doesnt feel like we're really a couple. only when we go out coz we're together.i want affection.. i want attention. i want to feel special.. and she does all that.. or tries to. shes not doing anything wrong.. i just feel like maybe im not the right person for her?? she needs sumone that can keep her stimulated.. coz i feel like i bore her. or i feel like she thinks im an air head.. or she doesnt understand me? or maybe she does.. its just the way she expresses it all. it doesnt make me feel reassured coz theres no expression or tone in her voice really. and i want sumone to be able to express themselves emotionally.. thoroughly with feeling. and i try to show her i care about her which i do. i try to touch her whenever i can and be close to her as much as i can. i dunno.. maybe i shouldnt try so hard. shes going overseas soon.. and i dunno whats gonna happen then. maybe the whole things just.. physical?? or maybe im just looking into it all too much.. im not sure.
i dont think its her. i think its me and i think either im over the whole girl thing.. or a relationship isnt right for me atm still coz i wanna pull 2gether my life. or im just not attracted to her as much as i would like to be? i mean shes a hot girl no doubt.. but something about her makes it hard for me to adapt to the person she is and u shouldnt have to change that much for sumone anyways. and maybe i just wanna.. help her? help her open up a bit more.. yeh, i think thats it. shes not as open as i would like her 2b. and it bothers me that when we are physical.. ok we're both into pleasing but its more about her pleasing me coz we're both givers.. but i really dont think she gets anything out of stuff we do.. and if she does then i wouldnt know.. lol so yeh, i dont want it all to be about me.. and it puts me off when im doing stuff with her the fact that she doesnt look/seem pleased. argh i dunno..
tasha? hah! well i've talked to her recently coz shes called me n everything but i really dont think shes what i've been thinking all this time. shes not the person i picture, coz ihave no bloody idea of what she really looks like. shes not open either.. grr.. and as bad or sad as this sounds.. i dont really mind not getting to meet her coz i know all these hopes dreams and desires i've been holding onto for so long will be crushed. so maybe its better that we dont meet.. i mean i do hope to one day, just not now coz im happy to just enjoy that whole feeling like ur infatuated with sumone u've never met and thinking that theyre something that they're really not. and thats what it is. sure, shes a nice girl.. but i dont think we'd go 2gether anymore. ah well.. watever..
anyways new years.. been invited here and there. not sure exactly whats goin on tho. im gonna try and see tali.. but i think i'll not give as much as i have been, just to see how she reacts. coz then maybe that way feelings will be controlled and the situation wont get as confusing as any ones in the past. do i love her? im not sure.. sumtimes i feel like i do and wanna say it to her but i question my feelings for her a lot. debating whether or not they're forced or real. and maybe the fact that i question it a lot shows that i dont love her. that i dont feel too deep for her or something. on the other hand i dunno how she feels but knowing me i know if she ever said those 3 words.. i'd prolly say it back =o\ lol
anyways thats all goin to bed to now.. gnite xx
yes im back.
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i like writing in here coz its less effort than my other one. i mean i write stuff in it, but not in as much detail as i want and a lot of the time i'll wanna say a lot of stuff but i cant coz ppl know i have that LJ and so i dunno who reads it or not. it doesnt really talk much about feelings n stuff.. more 'pretentious' i guess? lol
hrm so wats goin on u may ask.. well ron n maria have pissed me off. i wrote about all that in my LJ so i wont go into detail about it..it just unfair? and like they dont even know WHY i was cut?! grrs..
karens been working heaps.. which is good. kinda motivates me to find work more actively. i dunno.. its like i wanna work, but i dont? im a bad worker i think.. a lot of the time i feel incompetent in stuff which isnt good.. coz u have to be confident in anything u do in life right? but yeh i dunno.. i hate working and thats the truth then again, so does everyone but everyone has to do it yeh.. its all about money. grrs @ money!
tali and i still err '2gether' ? still feels/sounds a bit weird. but i've met sum of her friends and shes introed me as her gf. 'yeh.. this is my gf mel' haha feels odd. when ppl ask me i still kinda say.. 'um yeh im kinda seeing sumone.. ' or 'yeh we're kinda together' lol sounds more subtle than 'yeh shes my gf' haha i dunno.. i mean sure i like her. and when im with her its all good.. but i dunno. sumthing feels kinda weird? like i dunno if i like her like her? im tryna work out if i really really like her or not. i do care about her. but the fact that i have to think about whether i really like this girl bothers me. coz usually when im with sumone its just a whole rush of feelings and i dont have to think about it.. but yeh i dunno if its coz im concsiously making more of an effort to control feelings? i think thats becoz of her. not that shes done or doin anything but just coz of the way she is? and its nothing bad but sumtimes im not satidfied coz i feel like sumthings missing and i dont want to have to change myself too much for sumone. everythings ok tho. like going at a good pace. not rushing into anything or watever which is good and she is goin overseas soon too so i dunno wats gonna happen then..
my sisters still overseas. shes been writing heaps of emails. sounds like they've done a lot of traveling tho. they'll be in thailand soon. mum asked me if i wanted to go there n meet her.. then we talked about america and i know i prolly wont be going =( and that sucks. coz thats all i wanted for my 21st even tho it sounds like its asking a lot. but yeh.. money issues. i mean it is a lot of money.. easy to say and plan everything i guess.. need to actually get money n save from that like my mums always telling me. guess it wasnt as easy to get a cpl of grand off her for a holiday and not really gain anything from it. like if i was working there then she'd fund me. or if i went to england she'd fund me coz im goin there to work. im actually thinkn of going to japan for 6 mnths to a yr to teach english there n come back and have a bit of money coz i hear u earn quite a bit. but i dunno.. the only thing stopping me is uni, i dunno if i can afford to defer another yr? but i feel like i need to get away in a different place and do sumthing more fulfilling with my life.. and not going to uni or finishing uni when planned isnt the end of the world is it? i dunno tho.. we'll see..
i failed research methods btw.. lol passed everything else. first time i've ever failed anything but i deserved it. there was no way i woulda passed that.
havent really talked or seen patrick. hes been working a lot at the post.. so yeh i dunno.. havent seen any friends from uni.. or high school. but i will see them at lucys' 21st this fri in clayton. and then maybe sarahs on sat at mayfields. i've only been hanging around with tali.. tomer and karen n stuff. caught up with tomer a bit. hes actually a really nice guy? like hes really understanding.. cept im just not attracted to him physically and hes really arrogant and i dont like that. saw him last night.. and we saw tali n karen too . they all live up in that area..
2day im spose 2 meet tali i cant be late! im always late.. then might see emma at 1 on her lunch break to organise lucys.. then gene might come meet me in the city and i dunno what we're gonna do.. if we're around st kilda we might see karen teri etc. coz they'll be at big mouth. just hear that teri n emma got tattoos of each others names!! omg thats like sooo extreme??!! =o| i wouldnt do that.. not get another tatt with sumones name!!
been looking after emmanual quite a bit.. early in the morning. thats why im up early 2day. hes soo cute tho.. sumtimes i get frustrated coz his attention's spans short and hes really active.. but i dont mind looking after him in fact i feel sorry for my aunt n uncle coz they're always running around working n tired n have no time to do anything..
havent really talked that much to tasha.. and maybe thats a good thing. i dunno.. like i talked to her for a bit yesterday on msn.. but not long and like now i dunno.. i just find that we have nothing to talk about? and its got nothing to do with the tali situation.. i just realise how im the one making heaps of effort with conversation a lot of the time and when she tries.. the convo just dies. so i just give up. shes called me a few times recently tho and thats made me happy. should get a phonecard n call her soon tho.. maybe near xmas time. i read her friend angels journal entry.. and lucie made sum comment about ME! like how tashas getting me sumthin for xmas and she thinks that she shouldnt and doesnt need to.. and how she wanted to burn the present i gave her for her bday?!? omg bitchy! lol but yeh i dun even know of they're together or not.. sounds like they kinda are.. but i just dont wanna ask anymore really coz not like she really tells me anyways.. so yeh but i do miss the girl. i miss talking to her n all.. i dunno it just seems so much more unrealistic and feels like it and more improbable of us meeting coz im not gonna go there anymore.. but yeh. i dunno. i still have sum kinda feeling. not really sure what but like i feel like maybe our situations been reversed now? now im the one attached to sumone physically and getting that physical side is satisfying whilst receiving emotional support or love elswhere.. so its really weird how things have turned out. still i think theres still sumthn goin on btwn her n her ex..
on the weekend me n my spent a lot of time together. i tried to open up to her about stuff.. but yeh not evrything everything still. i dunno.. she does make me feel better as weird as that sounds. we did a lot on the weekend and i think i'm tryna become more religious again.. with wearing my scapula n stuff. when i was younger i used to wear it all the time n never take it off. and in a way it kinda felt like it protected me? i mean im not like a stonrg practicing catholic but i still have faith n stuff.
anyways i gotta go get ready.. take care. byeeeee
hmm ok i've been really slack with updating in here.. sorry ppl i think its coz i've been busy updating my new one n stuff.. god i've put so much effort into it.. well spent heaps of time fiddling around with it when i prolly shouldve been studying instead.. god im SO not made for school.. =o\
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just had my sociology exam.. i dunno how i went... i didnt go to ONE lecture all semester so i'll be happy if i just pass.. i crammed, or well tried to cram a whole subject into my head in one day.. haha i've got this thing with cramming i think lol im at the library at uni atm.. gotta start studying for my other exam 2moro.. which im pretty sure im gonna fail =o\ ah well.. wat can ya do.. thats wat i get for being lazy n shit.. grrs
i think im just gonna write in here when i have stuff to say about feelings n stuff like that coz i write out a few things in my other one anyways.. just if i need to let stuff out.. so yeh.. i mean not that anyone reads this shit anyways.. lol for sumone to sit there n read thru all my entries.. omg u must be a nut! but thanx =oP lol
so the tali situation... =o| i dunno man.. like everythings cool.. she calls me every night now.. or we've at least communicated everyday for the past few weeks.. n i guess that means something..we'll chat on msn.. write msgs in each others journal entries.. send SMS' and talk on our mobiles during freetime.. kinda sounds like we're.. togetha-ish?! =o\ LoL i dont know how 2 define it.. dont kno wth to call it.. i know she likes me.. more than a physical thing.. (well it has to be by now lol) and like she doesnt like discussing stuff 2do about feelings n anything really personal.. and thats ok.. but i like being intimate.. or if im going to be intimate with sumone, for then to at least be able to talk openly about wat they feel... just so i kno.. and have more of an understanding of where i stand with them emotionally.. i dont think she wants to really define or call it anything anyways.. which im cool with.. altho karen did say to me the other day 'it looks like u guys are going out' hrm.. she does have a point.. i mean i wouldnt totally disagree with her on that coz its not like we're seeing or with anyone else.. feelings are involved now to a certain extent (im not sure how much or how deep her feelings go for me tho) and we see each other..well once a week now.. and have been over the past month.. so yeh.. going out..? i dunno.. maybe.. i think giving labels isnt really a good thing. .maybe coz it limits the r/s or places an idea of how its spose to be.. lol ok i dont know wat im going on about now.. its still weird for me tho.. like sumtimes i just sit there n think about stuff.. n i end up thinking 'WAT THE FUCK ARE U DOIN MEL?!' haha =o| but i dun really care.. my attitude towards it all.. is pretty much.. yeh, watever really.. lol and hey she is going overseas in jan n all.. so i guess watever we got goin on atm.. kinda does have sum sort of limit placed on it already.. the only bad thing about it, is that we're in it enuff for one or both of us to get hurt.. n thats wat im scared of.. altho i am kinda prepared for it anyways.. on the upside of things.. i think she likes spending time with me.. and talking to me on the phone or over msn.. i hope she doesnt feel obliged to or anything tho.. she was feeling a lil down yesterday n said that after we chatted on msn for a bit she was a bit happier? so yeh that made me feel good =oD i think, underneath all the confidence n negativity and cynical side.. shes just like me.. not having been with sumone intimately or close to sumone in a long time.. n i think she misses that.. and hasnt really experienced much with r/s yet.. i thnk deep down she does want some sort of stability and long term thing.. not that im saying she wants it with me.. just in general.. like marc.. he longs for a r/s deep down.. hes just scared and insecure of things. they analyse things too much.. they should just learn to go with the flow of things.. that way u dont cut urself off from experiences in life..
i dont know what i want tho.. my friends have asked me wat i want out of this.. and im not sure.. =o\ i like the girl, sure.. but i dunno i guess its the same kinda outlook i had with ria and melissa.. the feeling that nothing is really going to eventuate out of the situation.. that these things are short term.. n can only last to a certain extent until one of us feels to uncomfortable..which is wat happened in rias case.. with melissa.. it was coz we couldnt get a long..we argued.. not that she didnt want to continue.. but yeh i dunno.. sumtimes i wonder whether it shouldve been left as a one off one night get thingy.. coz im just not used to being with sumone.. again.. and esp with a girl.. its difficult coz u dont kno wat kinda role to assume.. its more equal which is a good thing.. but theres all this confusion, that doesnt really get discussed, so ya kinda dont kno where u stand with each other. theres nothing wrong with her tho.. i think sum friends of mine would find it a lil difficult to get a long with her, as in relate to her.. but she makes me laugh coz i guess shes.. different? sumtimes im intimidated.. put off a lil by her use of language and stuff.. haha they say we're attracted to ppl who possess qualities we feel we lack ourselves.. hrm.. maybe thats tru.. melissa it was looks.. tali its on an intellectual level.. altho i think shes really attractive anyways.. gonna see her thurs nite with kaz n teri.. mite even visit her at chadstone at work hehe
she made me this cd.. with all these songs that she likes.. its ok.. take a while to get used to it lol but yeh it was the thought that counts.. and like it made me really happy? which was weird i thought, but its coz for once sumone made effort into something for me =oD like.. it was a cd.. and she wrote a lil note inside and put feeling fruity free drink cards inside it..aw made me feel like sumone really cared.. and i dont mean to sound selfish by saying noone ever does anything for me.. or cares about me.. but like.. i dunno.. i actually GOT something.. which is kinda sad lol like the whole yr i've been making sooo much effort to stay close to tasha.. by calling her or spending so much money on fone cards n getting in trouble for using the net so much...but i'd get online just so i could talk 2 her about nothing.. n have to pay off the fone bills n everything.. argghhh.. lol n i do acknowledge her efforts into our friendship.. but like ive done SO much more.. n i always call her even if it takes heaps of my credit n i'll go w/o credit for ages just coz i've called her n spoken to her for only a few minutes of rubbish really.. i mean god.. i went out of the way so much for her.. n i still do.. just lately.. i guess i've been a lil preoccupied.. apart from the obvious.. but the whole break up with her gf n i dun even kno if they're together of if shes lying or if shes just trying to keep both of us close in her life.. n thats just not fair.. n like the past few times we've been online i havent made as much effort gettng back online as i used to.. coz like it costs too much n i get in trouble.. n then like she writes in her journal that she feels like i dont want to talk 2 her.. or like last nite how i got dc.. couldnt get back online..so i even SMSd her ICQ thingy.. saying why i couldnt.. like the things i do.. i shouldnt have to explain myself to her.. but SOOOOO many times shes done that to me.. n i've waited n waited n waited for ages..n gotten in trouble or re-connected just to talk 2 her..n she just goes w/o saying anything.. most of the time shes fallen asleep.. but she wont even say anything or remember falling asleep anyways.. i kno she doesnt mean to be.. but sumtimes shes a little rude.. i dunno.. im so tolerant tho.. n wen were talkin.. why cant SHE be the one to make conversation with me? like i always do..even when im upset n stuff i ake the conversation.. but she always answers me with closed ended responses.. n doesnt really elaborate.. so i cant be fckd trying to talk 2 her prperly anymore.. why should i try so hard?! im not saying i dont want to talk 2 her.. just wen we are talking.. she could make a little more effort or sumthing.. ya kno!? =o\
arghhh... anyway im tired coz im standing up on one of those comp lol gtg so i can study for research or photocopy out stuff..