| Moved in and moving on :) |
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| 10:55pm 29/06/2008 |
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mood:  accomplished music: music from english class :)~ old hip hop
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I'm moved into my new house in Athens, almost all settled. First week of classes was weird but I got through it. My classes shouldn't be too bad, but i'm gonna have to work harder at history of jazz to survive it, the prof talks so fast and is so scatter-brained- none of what he writes on the board makes sense together......my english class though is a hip hop culture class....so that's kind of fun. Well my 6 month transformation is going slower than expected, this week I'm gonna plan out my day, every day.....and hopefully by friday I'll have a job, so i can plan a new schedule. One thing that really gets me thinking is the Law of Attraction. I really believe it. If you think positive, say positive things, and do positive actions....you will be rewarded....I think by God but other people believe "the universe" but maybe both of those are one in the same. So that's another thing to add to my list, I need to believe in myself, everything will work out....it really will. There are bumps in the road, but none of which have the power to break me. I really should apply this idea to the goals I made for November. I still have time to lose some weight, get a tan, and work out.....so maybe my transformation can at least get an amazing start if I start kicking my butt now :) I want to be unrecognizable to my high school graduating class, I want to prove to them that I was a "loser" in high school, who didn't drink or ever have a boyfriend....but my life is great and I look great....better than most girls in my graduating class who i see either staying chubby or getting chubby. But I have accomplished one goal....i did dye my hair light brown :) i like it a lot....so tomorrow im going to make a weekly schedule....maybe every sunday night i can do that for the whole week....so that i don't get off track....I'll way myself in two weeks....because i'm too scared to weigh myself before then....i've been eating so badly....i need to finally say goodbye to pizza, pop, coffee and chocolate <-- they're my down falls......so im going to ask my roomies for help......
well until next time :) |
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| horrible! |
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| 11:53pm 10/06/2008 |
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mood:  confused music: everyday~ rascal flatts
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Needless to say with this whole 6 month transformation thing....so far i've been doing HORRIBLE....i've lost motivation bc i've been really stressed out about a lot of things....money, boys, friends and school to name more than a few....it's kind of getting too much to handle....which made me really think about going home for the summer and just paying my part even if im not living there....BUT i have to remember....last summer was the worst summer of my life without kristel and katrina...and i can't let myself make the same mistake twice....there's nothing left at home for me except family....and *maybe* a boy...::sigh:: I'm caught between a rock and a hard place....either way i lose....if i finally speak up and tell him how i feel....i could get rejected and be heartbroken bc as weird as this sounds...we've never been together before or done anything...not even kissed and i know i love him....but if i don't get rejected....im 3 hours away as it is....and im moving to california most likely in 2 years....and thirdly...i could be rejected just bc of the distance....and that would kill me.... i can't win....it seems like a lost cause bc of the life i want....and i hate it....why can't i be normal?? why can't i want a normal job....and i know i should start telling myself what i tell my friends...if it doesn't work out....it wasn't meant to be....but honestly i've never felt this way about someone....butterflies....smiling just bc you talked to them...wanting just to give them a hug and see their face....no boy has ever made me feel beautiful and special....but he did....and i don't want to lose him....bc i don't know if i'll ever feel that way again.....yea there have been cute boys here....even hot ones....but none compare to his personality...i love him....all of him....just the way he is....even if he acts like a complete idiot....and sometimes i think im being ignored but that could be bc im 3 hours away and i never see him....but i won't know how he feels until i talk to him and thats the hardest part.....how am i just supposed to spill my heart randomly? we've never even hung out just us......i don't wanna overwhelm him or be obnoxious either....bc i've seen girls that are like that and it's crazy and annoying.......so in a week or so...or maybe a lil sooner i'll try to get the ball rolling of us actually hanging out....bc i have a feeling once we do things will change...for the better or for the worst i have no idea....but im willing to try....
i also need to find a job...christina's savings account is hurting....BAD....and also christina needs to tan and lose weight...as you already know by my goals....i just need to constantly push myself....for 3 whole months....and then maybe i'll lose enough weight so i can motivate myself the other 2....I think i just need to pray about it......and try to calm myself down...bc it's the bad mood that gets me to eat junk and not work out......ugh i really hope i start feeling better |
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| no more pity parties.... |
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| 03:06am 26/05/2008 |
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I need to follow my own advice....I always am searching for that one guy....who I think I might have already found.....but who I don't think feels the same way... but I need to stop....I always see couples who are with each other 24/7 or see girls unhappy and i always say...."FIND WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, FIND YOUR OWN LIFE, and be happy being alone....or you can't be happy with someone" and i really need to follow my own advice...because I'm not happy or comfortable with myself....most of the time my mind is a wreck.....and I can't be like that and expect a boyfriend....so as corny as it sounds...im gonna try my hardest to forget about boys....stop the facebook stalking....concentrate on school and working out...and making $$$....and even keep reading my Christian book i got for graduation....that always made me feel better about my life....if i do all of those things...and continue with my 6 month goals...i'll be on my way to happiness so that I can finally be ready to have someone else as a part of my life :):) |
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| Another week.... |
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| 02:28pm 22/05/2008 |
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mood:  tired music: Always On My Mind~ Phantom Planet
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I decided to take a "before" picture also.....can't wait to finally be able to put an "after" picture up!! ahhh 6 months!
There's are going good i suppose....i'm starting to get stressed out by school and just want to be done....i'm 2 weeks away (8 days) so technically one week.....from being done with classes....and 2 take home finals and 2 regular finals from being done with my sophomore year of college :O) in 3 weeks i'll be moving out of the dorms for good...and in a month i'll be starting my 2 summer classes...gonna be fun stuff :O( not lol...at least it's only until july...my work outs have been going decent....not as good as i had planned but at least im working on it right?? I need to eat better that's for sure...chocolate and pop are still tempting me....and so are fried foods and grab n go....but in 3 weeks most of those temptations will be gone.....so i'm going to keep working on it and strive for looking totally different in november....
I've been really tired for the past couple weeks...no clue why....Nate mentioned it was probably stress :O(....no matter how many hours of sleep i get i always have a rough time getting out of bed i hate it....that HAS to change this summer bc monday through thursday i have class 8am-11:30am....so there will be no sleepin in....
well im staying away from all scales until May 30th so i'll let you know how that goes later! |
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| 3 days in.... |
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| 11:45pm 14/05/2008 |
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mood:  bouncy music: Forever~ Chris Brown
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I redid the look of my ticker
but I decided I'm not stepping on a scale until 5/30/08....so that's when the next ticker will appear. I'm doing good! even tho im only 4 days into my transformation....i found a new motivation for working out (and i've been eating good stuff!) i didn't think i had....so maybe this time....i'll stick with this for 6 months...yes im gonna eat chocolate every once inawhile....and pizza...bc honestly those are 2 things you could never ask me to give up...but I'm gonna eat those things ONCE IN AWHILE....they're not gonna be my regular diet....fruits, veggies, and protein (good lean meat!!) are going to be my main diet.....I really think if I accomplish these 6 goals in the next 6 months....I'll be healthier so I'll feel better....and if i look better i'll feel better and more confident....so I AM gonna stick to this....I'll try and update this once a week and a new ticker will probably be updated every 2-3 weeks :O)
YAYYY |
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| 1 day down....forever to go! |
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| 02:09am 13/05/2008 |
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mood:  silly
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Today, i did work out! I'm still up at 2am doing hw...but I DON'T CARE...im gonna stick to being healthy and working out....maybe staying up real late doing hw will get me outta the habit of procrastinating on my work....i really only updated to add this SWEET ticker i made to keep track of my weightloss....another motivatior :O)....even tho i was really really really upset about 4 hours ago....but it's NOT going to happen...because i hopefully have 2(maybe 3) people behind me....so im gonna forget about it for now..... but I will keep you updated once a week from now on on how things are going with my PHYSICAL TRANSFORMATION :O)
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| Almost May.... |
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| 01:55pm 23/04/2008 |
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mood:  hungry music: Blame It On the Weatherman~ B*Witched
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It has been awhile since I've wrote in here....things are going well...I actually really like all my classes. Almost week 5 of the 10 week quarter....it's crazy... time goes by so fast here. I have vowed to try and be healthier from now on....I'm trying to not eat junk and exercise every day! I want to lose 15lb by the time this quarter is over...I think I can do it. In about ten minutes I'll be leaving to go to the Athens hospital to get a cat scan done :O( something is seriously wrong with my neck...it hurts 24/7....advil doesn't help and the pain is getting so bad I can't get comfortable when I sleep at night....so I'm going home this weekend for yet another dr's appt I'm kind of really scared... :O(... my laptop has been gone for a week....apple had to fix it bc the screen went black all of the sudden but i got it back today!.....i have some boy issues still.....but in the next month those SHOULD be sorted out....friends are fine...i feel really good other than most days being tired and my neck hurting....maybe next time i write in this thing it will be more exciting... |
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| Another problem i've figured out.... |
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| 01:20am 06/04/2008 |
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mood: confused music: Alone~ Celine Dion
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very recently....well since January....I've been talking to a certain someone who i've known for the past 4 years....a really amazing guy.....he never hesitated to help me out....he's the best person at getting me to smile....very outgoing and hardworking.....the thing is....he wants to come here and see me....now anyone reading this would be like COOL!! YAYY! me.....not so much....why you ask? because....i'm scared to death....and i thought for awhile bc i didn't know why i was so scared when at the same time....im so excited to actually hang out with him for a weekend...and catch up when I miss him like crazy.....and it's not that something might happen....we might makeout or w/e.....that's actually not what im terrified of....i'm terrified that it might be a little too late....and we just don't know that it's beyond working out....it's beyond making it work.....bc we live far apart....and he never really showed interest in me in that way in the first place.....so even if we did something while we were both drunk it still wouldn't be serious.....and that terrifies me to no end.....i don't want to think that the only guy to ever make me feel beautiful and the only guy to ever give me butterflies is literally not even a possibility.....i didn't even know i felt this way until i started crying tonight....and really dug deep into why all the sudden i was crying.....and i try to think positive if it's meant to be....it WILL work out....and if it doesn't....it was just not right....it's just hard to think when you've never felt this way about anybody else.....and don't know if you ever will again.....this is one of the parts of my personality i hate...i analyze everything and always think the worst and then i just end up being really upset when nothing has even happened yet.... i need to force myself to not expect anything when he comes down here and just have fun when he does.......and whatever happens...happens....and if anything bad goes on to brush it off my shoulders....but i know it's easier said than done.... |
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| Spring Quarter starts today.... |
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| 11:25am 31/03/2008 |
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mood: accomplished music: That's the Way It Is~ Celine Dion
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I had a good winter quarter and a wonderful spring break! I ended up with 1 A for sure and 2 B-s for sure...my geography teacher STILL hasn't posted our grades....so annoying but I'm 99% sure that's a B too... Went to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida for spring break with Kristel and Katrina....that was fun other than the driving we did all week, me being under 21, and me not having much $....sometimes i just felt annoyed....esp when I couldn't really sleep past 9....hate getting up early during spring break...i'd rather sleep til 10:30 or 11...and kat and kristel wanted to go to the beach like 4 days in a row...and i love the beach....don't get me wrong....but i like to have fun other than getting drunk....like parasailing...rent go karts....or something different than laying out....but it was still fun and relaxing...but now it's back to reality....
This quarter's goals:
~working on my procrastination***
~lose 15-20lb and get into shape!***
~get rid of my lovehandles (ick!)**
~buy more clothes** <--gonna love practicing that one!
~get a nice tan*<--gonna love that one too haha
~work on a regular sleep schedule and regular work out schedule
~stop biting and picking my finger and toe nails....i want them to look nice and long for once...
~ and finally.....be happy! no crying....my life is amazing...people who let me go...it's their loss not mine...boys can wait...school is only a minor stress.....God is amazing and only puts you through things to make you find him and become stronger....therefore life can never be that bad!!
I really wanna change my life around...the way I think and my looks....maybe that's why i want my hair darker and want to be skinnier and amazing at school...i want my looks and life to reflect how i feel....and im just ready to change...i've said this before but i have an easy class schedule this quarter....and im gonna take full advantage....i wanna be happier, healthier and not to mention sexier :O) |
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| Shadow Of Love |
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| 10:20pm 10/03/2008 |
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mood: exhausted music: Shadow of Love~ Celine Dion
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the song shadow of love by celine dion is another song i can relate to a lot.....the lyrics are amazing...listening to it made me think....and i think i know what my problem is......my problem is the things i needed to get over this whole living in the past situation aren't there....i needed apologies (from a lot of people) and i needed to say the things to Jaeda i should of in the first place....but neither of those things happened....so i feel like it's not over...bc when we started talking again it was a "let's just forget it ever happened...it's done and over with" when I needed a lot of people to say... Christina, im sorry we did this to you....i'm sorry i never listened...im sorry it was such a big deal that we can't ever be friends again...i think that's what angers me sometimes anyone that i talk to says it's high school you have fights and stuff get over it....but honestly HS is about fights that you have but eventually it's all back to the way it was...it wasn't for me....i lost my best friend of 7 years and to this day i can't talk to her, hang out...nothing....so yeah it was a high school fight but how else would anyone feel if all the sudden you're best friend in the entire world....the one person you honestly NEVER WANTED to lose...just stops talking to you, doubts you, doesn't trust you, and leaves....for good... i don't know anyone else that's gone through that....so i get angry when people think this shouldn't affect me just bc it happened in high school....i guess recognizing the problem is a first step.....and the second step is to do some "exercises" to stop comparing people in my past to people in my future....bc all it's doing is hurting me....i need to officially move on and literally act like it never happened....maybe moving down to athens for good will help....and moving in with kristel and kat will help too....they keep my mind from thinking negatively....next quarter i have a lot to work on...mentally and physically....physically...im wearing myself down...im sick all of the time, not working out...and i think i might be close to developing an eating disorder....bc my mind is so messed up right now and full of negative thoughts about my whole life....so i think if i start eating better and working out....and forcing myself to think positively and think of the present and the present only...i might be able to get through this... |
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| no one really understands |
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| 12:44am 05/03/2008 |
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life is so frustrating....when im upset.....no one understands....i can't talk to anyone.... arlington friends~ they never knew the whole story to begin with....never really got me.... so i can't really talk to them....ou friends~ don't know what it's like to live in arlington....never went through anything like i did....they don't really understand.....my parents and family....never were there with me at school...didn't really understand why i was so upset in the first place....im stuck....im stuck in a mental hole and people who shouldn't pay for it...my present friends...are paying for it....i don't really trust anybody fully....im ALWAYS ready for the worst case scenario bc i've been taught "expect the unexpected" ppl tell me that they care....but i don't believe them....this would be my problem....if i honestly thought people cared i wouldn't be in this situation and i wouldn't have to type this to an invisible audience now would I? My mind is literally f*cked up and there's nothing i can do about it bc every time i run into a problem it's always back to this....and being upset and having no one to talk to.....i hate it...i just want to forget it all and have it erased from my brain....that's something that would benefit me! |
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| Concert girls |
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| 03:42pm 21/02/2008 |
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mood: tired music: You Can Let Go~ Backstreet Boys
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I have 18 minutes until I can register for my spring quarter classes, so i decided I'd take this time to update this thing....that nobody reads...lol I got through another week of college....this weekend is going to be insane...but bring it on! so much studying and mbt but i wanna party too with my future roomies...i never get to see them during the week :O(.....anyways...why i'm updating this.....i've had some reoccurences in my mind about my friends from around Akron and Cleveland, PA, Chicago. I'm starting to view them as I did my high school friends.....which is both bad and good at the same time.... the bad part....their just getting to be a source of disappointment and are causing me to just be upset and cry sometimes bc i feel we're drifting apart...i feel like i knew this would happen but i tried and tried my hardest to keep us seeing each other on a somewhat regular basis....but i feel like no one really wants to help me bc nobody cares.....and i feel like there's never gonna be "the good times" ever again.....the good part of this....is i've also realized i don't "need" them.....they were the friends that were helpful and useful and a good backbone for me in high school but now that I'm at OU and have better friendship relationships and more stability in my life... i don't really need them "to hold me up" bc i'm learning through my new friends and experiences and also my family....that i can hold myself up bc I've found the strength i couldn't find before.....so im slowly learning to just let them go....as with my high school friends i'm not going to be cruel or hold grudges or anything like that....i'll be nice and i'll talk but it's not necessary to "hang out" and be together really.... last night i was thinking about this and it did make me really sad....bc there was a point when they all were *everything* to me.....and now im doubting if it was never the other way around....that i was just kind of convenient like i felt all my HS friends felt about me in the back of their mind....im still coping but i know i'll be okay bc i am very happy at where i am with my life......i wouldn't change anything about my present......and i like how i can finally say that...it feels soooo gooooood i've waited so long and i was trying to be patient but I KNEW i'd eventually get to this place......
well i guess that's all for now....i got about 2 1/2 weeks until finals week and FLORIDA with kristel and katrina :O) then ONE MORE QUARTER until i move in with them and Lizz....and also one more quarter until im a JUNIOR oh my....scary..... |
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| I've *finally* for sure found ~MY~ way..... |
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| 12:25am 04/02/2008 |
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mood:  thankful music: Bigger than Love~My Favorite Highway
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I cannot even describe how great i feel right now. I could've gotten SOOO upset this weekend....and i didn't....i let it roll off my shoulders and went....shit happens...who cares....and something i've been worried about....i simply prayed about it and even talked to kristel a little about it....and felt so much better....and it's working it self out and i feel sooooo good....this song has also helped me....bc God is such a big part of my life now....I thank him every single night for *everything* i have bc i am really blessed and i ask him to forgive me every single night bc i know i need help into becoming a better person and Christian...... this song explains everything so perfectly
Bigger Than Love~ My Favorite Highway
We've all got scars as big as ours
A token for the pain we hide inside of us
Everyone's scared that somebody knows
You keep it inside, yeah, that's how it goes
If you've ever heard a beating heart
A rhythm for the songs we're too afraid to sing
Nobody here is perfectly fine
A delicate frame, a fragile design
If there's a hole in your heart
You gotta pull it together
It takes the courage to start
But now is better than never
It takes a push and a shove
Somehow it's never enough
And it's alarming how quick you could forget that
Nothing's bigger than love
Nothing's bigger than love
Nothing's bigger than love
All you need, all you need is love
Some people change and some just won't
You can't take back the words you wish you'd never said
Promises break and lovers will lie
You hold up your hands and let out a sigh
So smile right before you fall
And lay beside this mess and call it consequence
Somebody said that life isn't fair
When somebody else was saying a prayer
No one's taking me out
Nothing's pulling me down
I turn my head to the crowd
This love is big and it's loud
This is the car in the crash
This is the light in the flash
This is the answers you know
But you're just too scared ask
If there's a hole your heart
You gotta pull it together
It takes the courage to start
But now is better than never
It takes a push and a shove
Somehow it's never enough
*Some people forget what is really important in life and don't pray....they just want pity and are content with being unhappy....i've understood to not sweat the small stuff, pray, and try to better yourself everyday! you'll be much happier*
God is amazing.... |
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| wow.... |
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| 05:34pm 28/01/2008 |
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mood: excited music: Dark Blue~ Jack's Mannequin
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so it's almost february! crazy! im behind in my international studies class :O( i think i can get back on track this week though.....i really should be doing homework right now!... i have 2 midterms this week and 2 the week after :O( AHHH i hate school.... good thing though is i'm doing better with my workout schedule and friday i found how much i've lost....and Kristel, Kat and I all 3 dropped our previous spring break ideas and now are all 3 going to ft. lauderdale together! :O) sooo happy....no offense to sarah or nyc....but i'd rather be with kristel and katrina....and in florida! so im sooo excited....and i think my new year's resolution of being less shy is coming along too....i saw my crush this weekend and talked to him more than i ever have before and am going to his house with kristel and i think her boyfriend this weekend....bc his roommate alex that we also know is celebrating his 21st this saturday! :O) fun fun stuff....life is good....except homework....but homework isn't supposed to be fun...and this week...i'm getting back on track! i'm getting all As this quarter if it kills me! |
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| here i am again :O) |
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| 11:22pm 20/01/2008 |
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mood:  anxious
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well....i have good things and bad things to vent about tonight...for a little while...bc i NEED to go to bed asap... first bad things....well i've let school work pile up again....all i wanna do is relax and not think about school.....and i swore to myself i wouldn't let last quarter repeat...and what do i do? so i feel horrible about myself....although MLK Jr day is tomorrow and i just might be able to recover from my laziness....buuuutt we'll see....my room's also a mess...and i picked it up like friday....and now it's back to where it was...and my laundry is insane....for real...why do i do this to myself? lol i think that's pretty much all of the bad right now....im just getting stressed again and when i get stressed i do not wanna do hw which creates more stress LOL ahhh the vicious cycle....good things have been happening too tho!! 1) we have 2 wonderful ladies who we're (Kristel, Kat and I) considering for the 4th roomie for next year....both of the girls are wonderful and nice...and not drunken slobs...so i'm excited!! 2)i've been doing realllllyy good with my work outs....not touching the scale til feb....so i'll let you know how much i've lost next month sometime.... 3)diet is going good too....although im having caffeine withdrawal....my skin looks amazing and im feeling amazing...i guess all i need to do is MAKE my self buckle down...and fucking do my work!!! bc other than that....life is looking pretty amazing.... |
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| A Totally Fresh Start.... |
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| 10:46pm 09/01/2008 |
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mood: accomplished music: Happy~ Hilary Duff
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A new year, a new quarter for school....a new life....a totally fresh start for me. I feel so good about everything. I LOVVVVEE being back in athens...i don't think i've ever been this happy to be back...makes me think this is gonna be a different year for me....a great one...beginning with a new me. Today was my 3rd day of winter quarter classes and i really like all my classes...except geography kinda gets on my nerves but i'm really learning a lot and I'm going to be learning a lot. I'm going to keep up with all my readings if it kills me. STRAIGHT A'S OR BUST!! My GPA is going up! I'm graduating with a 3.5 or higher if it kills me and I have a 3.1 right now....ughh so frustrating... good news is I'm an associate producer for Maybe By Then this quarter...my 5th job in 4 quarters of working on it...and i really wanna produce it next year...we'll see how that goes...as of tomorrow i'm going to start my work out schedule and my diet hardcore which I'm also excited about....dunno why....lol i think bc it's easier to eat healthier here at school...so if i work my hardest I can accomplish a lot in these 10 weeks of winter quarter.... well I'm excited about everything here....even doing hw...i know it's the first week but if i stay on my readings....my hw is never going to be a problem and I have a 3-day weekend every single weekend thanks to having ZERO friday classes.... man... I love life....God is amazing....and when you genuinely ask for help and admit you can't do whats best for you on your own....you'd be surprised how he works within you and how much he really helps you....sucha good feeling to feel THIS GOOD about EVERYTHING :O) I think that's why it's been easy to get up in the mornings...I'm excited for brand new days....not dreading them anymore.... |
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| Last post of the year :O) |
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| 10:29pm 27/12/2007 |
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mood: happy
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so i had a fantastic christmas to say the least....my family is amazing...i dunno what I'd do without my mom, dad, sister, brother, sister-in-law and niece.... they're incredible. The only ones in this town that know...and love the real me.... i don't take my family for granted anymore....haven't since the 10th grade.... my niece gives me hope everyday....she's so fun and her smile is to die for.... i look at her and everything is okay....my family and i were watching in the land of women the other day and in that movie the character sarah says when she went to the met in nyc and was in the hudson river part she had a feeling of she was in the right place at the right time.....that's how i feel when im with my family....it's the reason why i grew up in arlington i think....for them to be a part of my life and me in theirs....yes we do fight sometimes...but it never lasts for long, usually no longer than a couple hours lol and it's funny bc in the end we all admit it was stupid and we still love each other...which is nice
I'm feeling better....whats weird is...i think i know what i need...finally....i read one of my friends' blogs and it made me realize a lot....usually when you push God out of your life that's when it seems to all fall apart.....i think that's my problem it's not that he's not in my life i just kind of ignore him....when i should be praying every night and thinking about him everyday and THANKING him everyday...and going to church once in awhile....even tho at college that's hard....and my closet makes that hard too lol....so im going to pray every night and finally read the book my awesome Pastor gave me for graduation.....i think that will give me strength to accomplish all of my goals....my diet isn't going so well anymore...i haven't exercised in like a week....which is bad...but i have lost 2 pounds... so 2 pounds down 31 to go lol....plus it's really hard for me to concentrate on that stuff during the holidays....so much good food....so im gonna keep trying to watch it and try to exercise as best i can and then hopefully i can do a better job down in athens....actually i know i can do a better job down in athens LOL it's way easier to eat healthier down there...being on a regular schedule....and i'm just going to keep pushing....i can do this!
HAPPY NEW YEAR |
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| i still need to heal..... |
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| 11:15pm 10/12/2007 |
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i've been doing so good with the physical stuff i forgot about the emotional stuff i need to work on....until last night....that was the first time i cried myself to sleep in a long time! i just wish things were different....the only guy who has ever made me feel beautiful....i can't even talk to him anymore....bc it's all fake...he never really cared...and that hurts....that's all i ever wanted for ONE PERSON to feel the same about me as i do them....and other than family....that hasn't happened yet...even with friends....there's not one other human being on this earth that knows everything about me...not even family! my family knows mostly about my past....but there a million nights i cried and never said one word....my new friends....know nothing about how hard my past was...and how im still not healed....i still get emotional with little things....i still am yearning for a *best friend* someone who i can tell everything and call at 2am when i'm crying myself to sleep....my mom says i won't find this until i'm married....which is why i think im looking so hard for a boyfriend right now.....i still have a piece missing in my heart and i'm beginning to doubt if it'll ever fill.....and i'm getting really scared....bc it's been 5 difficult years and i'm still not there......i still can't trust people whole-heartedly....i still doubt people care for me...or even think about me...my extended family doesn't help that at all....i missed my dad's side thanksgiving and they don't care if i have to miss christmas....it just sucks....and being away from OU i can't even knock on amie's door.....she'll be getting a nice christmas present when i go back....she means a lot to me....my day consists of watching what i eat, watching my dog, exercising, work, everyday and the rest varies....but depending on when i work i either don't see my dad at all or see my mom for 3 hours...and the rest...i'm completely alone for.....i think that's why i think about things, analyze things and cry....bc i'm alone with no distractions....not even school....i wish i had the money to see a physicatrist...bc maybe that's the only thing that will cure my brain.....i don't wanna be upset anymore....but then i get to thinking that maybe if i had my *one person* maybe things would be different....but i still need to heal....and it doesn't look like it's going to happen anytime soon |
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determined
