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|Sunday, December 4th, 2005|
|I will not change for you....
Hey, just thought a quick update would be good.
Still working as usual, feels like thats all I ever do these days.
Also still searching for somewhere to live other than here and its just not happening. Gonna have to step up our game a bit after xmas!!
I was going back down memory lane the other day and it hit me how much Ive changed..its kind of a lot, but not at all. ( I realise that isnt going to make a bit of sense to anyone but me)
I'm still the same me, its just that Ive kind of become alot more afraid to be me. Like ive blocked out parts of me, the 'who gives a fuck' parts of me.
Ive always worried about what people thought of me and always been emotional and sensitive but in the recent 1-2 years even more so.
Im getting to realise that this isnt who I want to be. I mean, Ive never been what I can say 100% 'happy' with myself , but who is really? But I used to think out of all the things I wanted to change the person inside of me was never one of them..and now it is...and now Im confusing myself....
I have no idea where all this is coming from, I think I better go and do the dishes or something..
Bye for now
X Current Mood: weirdCurrent Music: Queen Adreena - Siamese Almedia
|Sunday, September 11th, 2005|
|You just can't throw......
Not really much to say actually, I just thought i should at least try to update seeing as i havent in ages.
Christmas stuff is in the shops already can you believe it! In one way its good cause I absolutley love xmas but on the other hand it reminds that I have to start buying soon..and with what! its not so easy when you are unpaid and over worked your brain doesnt tend to work as well as it used to hehe.
Had such a fantastic holiday last week, was only a few days but it was in such a perfect and peaceful place I loved the whole no hassle thing! Felt so depressed when I had to come home I was just desperate to stay there!
Well thats all for now I think, pointless but....well just pointless
Bye for now
X Current Mood: blankCurrent Music: The Clash-Rock the Casbah
|Thursday, August 25th, 2005|
Well, ive reached my twenties hehe, i dont have the excuse of being a teenager anymore! :)
had a good day of spending today, not to much so it hasnt depressed me but quite a few trinkets to make me smiiiile.
Just thought id type a quick note seeing as i havent had an entry in a while
Well nothing much more to say at the moment
Bye for now!
X Current Mood: irritatedCurrent Music: My brothers silly music
|Monday, August 8th, 2005|
|I have to make him see the light!!!!....
Im being whinged at!!!! Its my day off work and i want to just..relllaxxxx and do nothing but my insane looper of a boyfriend is wanting to pick up a single bed and move another wardrobe in our room and move the big stereo and unit *out* of our room and so on and on and on....argh!!! its making me mad!
He's so pro-active its mad, hes always saying something or other 'needs to be done' and it doesnt!
Not that Im complaining you understand....;)
I dont even want to think about work at the minute but i cant help it, its better than what i used to do but i still dont like the company and it makes me feel like shit to think i have to go back in tomorrow for another long week. meh.
Oh Im such a whinge arent I? hehe
Right Im gonna leave it there can't think of anything else I want to say at the moment..give me a while and Ill find something else I want to complain about Im sure! :)
Bye for now
X Current Mood: blahCurrent Music: Lawnmower outside
|Sunday, August 7th, 2005|
|One way or another....
I can't believe its been over a year since i updated this thing! It took me ages to actually remember how to get into this.
So, where to start..Im engaged now for one (and yes its the same man as it was last time i wrote in here!) Im STILL looking for a house but seemingly no one wants to know unless youre a single mother. Which isnt so good for me because Im neither single or a mother.
Just been to my 'sister in law to be's wedding, was a really nice day and her dress was absolutely gorgeous, she looked fab. But there were two things irritating me.
1.) My shoes were the most bloody uncomfortable things ever. Im not designed to be a heel wearer as much as it pains me to say :(
2.) HOW many times did people have to inform me that it was 'my turn next' and 'when were we getting married' and 'have you set a date?' and so on. Practically every single person i spoke to said something along those lines and it was driving me crazy!!
Anyway we were supposed to be taking them to their hotel at the end of the night but P organised a limo to pick them up. I was worried it was going to be one of those crappy looking ones with the companys logo plastered all over it but it was perfect! It was so beautiful and the inside was gorgeous! It was only a 20 minute trip but apprently they still managed to polish off two bottles of wine before the car stopped. (after which the groom went into the hotel room and got stuck in the wardrobe trying to get comfortable because there were pillows in the bottom of it.....hmmmm odd boy :p)
On other things changed my job role at work and while its not as highly pressurised as it was, now it is at most times, mind numbing which is annoying. Why cant there ever be a happy medium? It always has to be one extreme or the other. Meh.
Wanting another job badly but that just seems tio be going round in circles at the minute as well.
Theres probably lots of things I could write but I wont bother becaus its probably just going to get more and more boring and to be honest Im getting tired of thinking now about everything thats been going on...and why have i developed a sore throat all of a sudden? :$
Bye for now, hopefully it wont be so long till my next update!!
P.s Ive just realised...its not 'over a year' since i updated, its exactly a year to the day! Thats really strange!....or maybe not.... hehe
X Current Mood: drainedCurrent Music: None
|Saturday, August 7th, 2004|
|Just because youre paranoid doesnt mean theyre not out to get you....
Hmmmm after the next coupla months wont have as much internet as i usually do, so these update thingies wil be even *more* limited..although I know that has no bearing on anyones world whatsoever..so abit of pointless thing to even write about......ANYWAY! Moving on....
cant really think of that much that has happened recently, mind blankless has just overcome me. I dyed my hair this week n although I quite like it everyone else is either '..yeah, nice' or 'I LIKED IT BETTER BEFORE!!' which of course does wonders for self-confidence especially when the last comment was from my own mother. It is a big change I will admit..but changes like these are goood!
Need to get out of this house. I really need to move out. Having no joy living here. I dont get on with my family practically at all. We are different people and have different ideas. For example I dont think my 15yr old brother should be the head of the house which, at the moment he is. When I brought this up this morning i was told i would 'have to leave then'. Yep, fab. My mam might be scared of him but im sure as hell not. He aint gonna tell me what to do. seeing as my she prefers to be under his dictation 24/7 n ignore me most of the time then im done with trying to make things better for her.Its f'in ridiculous.
P brought over a nice big comfy leather for my bedroom..its fabtastimcal! it reclines n spins round so yu can *imagine* how much fun Im having with it! haha
there is a really strange noise coming from outside....
Oh no..its the TV..was getting abit worried there.
Well im off now, bye bye!!
X Current Mood: grumpyCurrent Music: Strange TV sounds
|Friday, July 16th, 2004|
|Such a delicate boy....
Well havent updated for quite a while have I? Not that anything much hs been going on. Im steadily getting myself into a right state cause im oh so bored and thats not good for me. Dont start my new job till autumn, which in one way is ok cause I get to have time off before i throw myself into the full world of work but then again its crappy cause Im in the house all the time, which in turn has made me put on weight and I have fuck all in the way of money. Which is really effing awful.
Hopefully next week will be better....
Had a bit of a moment with K the other week, shes the same as me , in the house all the time but shes ill so cant work and I totally sympathise with her because although shes always acting happy n joking n crazy-like I can see shes really sad inside..and I like her, i really do. I wish I could help her, even talk to her properly but I dont feel i know her well enough yet. I find it a bit difficult..incase I push the boundaries abit for the length of time ive known her. I know p is brilliant but although hes a little gem he hasnt been there n maybe doesnt fully understand although he would never say so. If my insides were a person they'd be a carbon copy of K maybe thats why I like her so much, cause she is what I hide. I identify with her. But maybe thats just me..i dunno.
On other subjects, the 'family' (meh) have moved into there new house..literally all of them. including jasons two kids theres TEN of them living there. How fun. in one way it might be kinds fun, but to live with all of them 24/7..sounds like itd end up a nightmare to me.
anyway, must dash now. bye bye!
X Current Mood: hopefulCurrent Music: People Talking
|Friday, June 4th, 2004|
|Not to be sold separately....
Well I successfully left the hell hole and got a bottle of vodka for my troubles..then my dad came home from his holiday and because I looked after his house bought me a bottle of vodka..can you see a pattern immerging? People think Im this crazy, vodka weilding alcoholic and when I brought this up to my boyfriend he says 'Yeah..well you are?!' ....how lovely.
(Theyre all joking though..I think..)
Saw lee on wednesdi at work..got a smiley hello and..that was it which is weird for him. No conversation, no how are you..I'd love to know whats been said about me and p because everyone is acting very stand-offish with us recently. Havent been out for a while so i'll guess we'll see what this weekend brings..if all goes according to plan!
Oh and while on the subject of weirdness p has decided that we are going to get up at 9am to see how far and how much we can travel with a day ticket (value for money!!)....I have no words..all I can say is im not angry..Im disappointed..hehe
right ill leave it there for now
X Current Mood: worriedCurrent Music: someone eating crisps
|Thursday, May 27th, 2004|
|BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU MEANT DARKER LIKE DUCK EGG!!....
Grrrr work is pissing me off big time, and seeing as I was having a bad day anyway it doesnt help!!
I told them on monday that i was handing my notice in..but havent been in this week cause I caught some kind of bug off p. rang in before and asked if it was too late to tell them i was coming in tomorrow n she goes 'yes ive covered your shift now. if youve been ill i want u to go to the doctors tomorrow right?'
that place fucking infuriates me, its just the way they talk to you..its so patronising.
So then after speaking to my mam I rang p supposedly to cheer me up but he just went on and on about how i should get someone to come over or ring eve or something which wasnt what i needed. You know when you just want to curl up in a little ball and forget abut the rest of the outside world? well thats where I was but hes not like that so wasnt very sympathetic and just ended up making me feel worse.
So all in all i've felt pretty crap today. Not because I cant go into work, I cant wait to be rid of the place. But because i no Im going to have absolutly no money whatsoever and its going to be awful.
Right enough stressing today, I have jelly tots! :D
X Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Eastenders
|Wednesday, April 14th, 2004|
|yucky, yucky, yucky....
I cant believe it..rens moved out of his pub and in with emma!? One minute hes telling me he cant be bothered with her mood swings then he moves in with her, not really the next logical step to take but fair enough, I hope hes happy..why i dont know but i do, hehe.
On another note I dont think sams speaking to me which is effing annoying cause I cant even get in touch with her to find out what the hell is going on. I think its because I didnt go out with them when I said i would last week but thats hardly a very good reason to go on like this..if Im right that is.
Havent got my tongue done yet damn it but i will!! its finding the right time and money. I dont want to go to college or work with a swollen tongue unable to speak so I have to plan whens the best time to get it done.
Not much else going on so ill leave it there for now!
X Current Mood: curiousCurrent Music: none
|Wednesday, April 7th, 2004|
Im off for the easter hols! yay! Its great to actually have days off where I can do my own thing without feeling guilty about not going into college/work/etc.
Also SHOULD BE getting my tongue done very soon, cant wait, even though its gonna be even harder for people to understand what Im talking about for the next two weeks.
Been totally couply this weekend, didnt go out at all apart from a lil visit to see everyone at the pub on sunday. Can you believe it?! Whats happening to me!? lol
STILL got my never ending pile of work to do so Im gonna try and get as much done as I can cause its near impossible to get anything done at the weekend. well..anything work-wise ;)
Ren was going on about anna still having a go at every possible chance she gets THEN says 'I just want a quiet life with emma, what did i ever do to deserve this!' OMG he is UNBELIEVABLE! what has he ever DONE!? Where the hell do I start!
Hes a temperamental asshole who thinks he has this big hard man image since he became best buddies with the rest of my friends. Scott was there on satdi and he didnt even speak to him, plus he never knows what tweds doing these days hes just forgotten about all his other friends and became really ignorant. Its just really sad.
I still love the idiot, I just dont *like* him much anymore!
Hmmmm i need to do something, I have all this energy that needs to be used up (for ONCE! hehe)
X Current Mood: awakeCurrent Music: N.E.R.D-She wants to move
|Monday, March 22nd, 2004|
|Girls love Ponies....
well, avoiding college today so I thought id update to try and pass the time before i go out.
Soooo whats been happening n my life? Didnt go out at the weekend then surprise surprise twed rings wanting me to meet him outside, then tells me to get a taxi there even though its 11pm and im miles away. Needless to say I didnt, was sitting around in this huuuuge house with a load of stoners hehe theyre all really sweet but out of it ALOT.
Ended up staying over on the third floor..it was very cold :(
So came home yesterday, got showered, ate pizza, watched futurama, listened to a tape p made me :), walked him to the bus stop then slept..quite boring day but sometimes you need boring days hehe
Feel like im just one big bruise at the minute..its not nice. I think its a reaction to going upto a higher dose of those meds. ill get over it.
I know Im gonna get a lecture off sam when I speak to her so im not looking forward to that. But suppose I just have to get it over and done with....got so much work to do! why arent i doing it now?!
Ok, off i go.
X Current Mood: boredCurrent Music: Hatebreed-I will be heard
|Monday, March 8th, 2004|
Your Energy is Purple. You are a visionary with
unmatched intuition and spiritual
consciousness. The mystical world and
unexplainable forces fascinate you. There
resides in you a true dignity and nobility, and
others see you as a worthy leader, and loyal
friend. You are often very mature, with a deep
understanding of human nature, and you will
instinctively encourage and guide others toward
their full potential.
You find it natural to express yourself
aesthetically and artistically, you may be
involved in the artistic professions, a
religious organization, or in activities that
have a degree of ceremony and ritual. You would
make a good therapist, healer, psychic, or
entrepreneur. What color is your energy? brought to you by Quizilla
You're chocolate. You're the old soul type, people
feel that they have known you their entire
life. Many often open up to you for they view
you as thoughtful and trustworthy. Although
people trust you, you have a hard time trusting
them. You prefer to keep your feelings bottled
up inside, or display them very quietly. It is
alright to open up every once in a while. Which kind of candy are you? brought to you by Quizilla
|You're too weakened by the poision they feed you....
Okay I think I need to sort my life out abit, the college thing is going down the same road as last year which is NOT GOOD, honestly I dont think Im cut out for this whole 'education' thing anymore..too many years of it but if I want to end up in a good job, something i actually *want* to do then Im gonna have to do this.... *sigh*
Dont you ever wish life could just be realllly nice and simple sometimes?
Ren seriously has issues..last week we made up and did the whole 'i love you..I love you too..lets never fight again!!' thing which was lovely but this week....I dunno WHAT his problem with me is cause I havent even spoke to him since the tuesdi but he had a right go when I saw him?!?! Which reallllly upset me cause theyre was just no need for it n ended up just leaving with p. And then in the morning when p went in to say goodbye he totally blanked him?!
I think people are starting to see his nasty side which Im soooo relieved about because its not longer people just thinking Im having a rant about him for no reason. He thinks hes this big hard man ever since he started getting more friendly with bik and co. I wish Id never brought him along to trills that night or introduced him to them all. Maybe then he wouldnt be like this.
....Ive got to stop getting so wound up about him..hes all i ever go on about, when I actually stop and think about it I wonder why Im getting so stressed cause hes just a friend now who i see once or twice a week. Nothing like he used to be, if he starts being a bastard I should just walk away and not let it bother me.
Ive really got to start eating less, all this getting stressed and comfort eating is not doing me annnny good :(
well Im off..got college things to do..
X Current Mood: discontentCurrent Music: Black Eyed Peas-Hey Mama
|Wednesday, February 25th, 2004|
|Porn Poms and pipe bombs....
I've had the laziest week so far..dome absolutely nothing apart from go out and watch people fight again..and again..and again..honestly, it gets abit pathetic after a while. We all go out, everyone either fights with each other or a group of randoms then in the morning its all forgotten about..oh apart from when people seem to be pissed off at me for whatever reason. That never seems to be forgotten about.
My ex isnt speaking to me at the moment..he didnt even*look* at me on monday when I went out and you know why? Because I was talking to him outside, trying to calm him down and stop him from getting into a fight which would have worse consequences for him than anyone else (long story). Then apparently his sons mam (who hes trying to get back with for the zillionth time) drove past in a taxi, saw us outside (she has no idea who I am) and rang him up going mad at him for an hour....I dont exactly know what happened but all I know is hes not speaking to me now. Seriously, I didnt actually do anything wrong did I?? If I had then fair enough he can have an attitude with me but its really irritating me cause Id love to know how any of that is my fault..am I not *allowed* to talk to him now f.f.s!
Get paid tomorrow..woo hoo! I bet itll all be gone by the weekend but yknow I havent been shopping in sooooo long I was getting withdrawal symptoms!
Right Im off to consider whether I want my tongue pierced or not.... :/
X Current Mood: lazyCurrent Music: Marilyn manson-Tainted Love
|Monday, February 16th, 2004|
|I wish that I could trade these eyes....
Well this weekend was definitely SHIT. Me, sammy lou n kerry decided that we were each others valentines seeing as all the men in our lives were being complete and utter 'c u next tuesdays' (lol) The actual night itself was kinda fun when I think about it just the whole day before I went out (on account of about a million people haing a go) and afterwards at about 2am that the trouble started. So me, being the clever girl I am, decides to leave my friends house at about 3am n walk about half a mile to rens completely alone. How the hell Im sitting here typing this i do not know.
So hes completely pissed off at me for getting him out of bed but yknow after all the shit he puts me through/makes me feel maybe I am justified to be a bit of a bitch sometimes. He continued to fuck my head up till half 6 by the way. When I spoke to him today Im sure he thinks I still want some kind of commitment with him but nothing could be further from the truth, I just havent got the ENERGY anymore!!!!
I think he'd understand a whole lot better if i explained the situation to him properly..but I dunno..I care what he thinks of me I dont want his opinion of me to get any worse f.f.s! lol
Well, Im gonna go and try to do some work again, try to forget about the crappy weekend I had and the dirty skanky little hos who decide they want to 'have fun' with my ex a week after I break up with him. (not that Im bitter..)
Anyhow better not start myself off ranting again Ill be here all night!!
X Current Mood: bitchyCurrent Music: Inme-Underdose
|Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004|
|Forget all the things I should have said....
Well i got back with my ex..and everything was fine but then all of a sudden he started acting like a right twat (hmmmm wonder why?) so i called him today and said it might just be better if we were friends. He agreed, said he doesnt know whats going on with him lately, hes in a really wierd mood and he doesnt know why....uhhh you think?! I think hes just trying to make excuses for himself though, I expected this to happen all along it just bothers me that he pressured me so much into being with him when its not what he really wanted..just my opinion anyway.
Apparently Em thinks im gonna become a 'gangsters moll' cause of all the dodgy men I get involved with hahahhaha that girl makes me laugh sometimes but I suppose I can see where shes coming from, cant help it if Im attracted to bad boys though! :D
Satdi was kinda fun, tried to have another heart to heart with a certain someone but as always we failed miserably. Spent most of the night with my guys! which was kinda nice but..strange at the same time.
Right Im off to try and do some 'research'. I give myself 10 minutes tops before I get irritated and give up, hahhaha Im so useless at doing things.
X Current Mood: mellowCurrent Music: Nirvana-Polly
|Thursday, January 22nd, 2004|
|Think about the bar and take a swing....
I slept in again..so thats another day of college I've missed..GREAT. Why can't I ever just do things properly?!
Monday night was reallllly fun but at the same time really awful aswell. I wish I knew where I really stood with people. Im sure someone put something in my drink when I left it on the table..which was a STUPID thing to do..dont even know why I did that, its not very me. Im thinking that i was waaaay too drunk for the amount I drank. I go out every week and drink about 3x more f.f.s and Im not that bad. Ended up getting verrrry upset back at rens house, which was *fantastic*, I never tire of embarrassing myself. Nah, he was lovely, we had this big talk about a lot of things, most of it didnt make sense because of my state but it was nice to talk to him again.
On the bright side I am glad i went out even though I was paying for myself and david. :P I was around alot of people I la la la la loooove (and you know how I love to be surrounded by beautiful men! lol) actually, wouldnt mind being back with them now, I hate sitting in the house like this. Actually i just hate daytimes. Theyre boring. hehehe.
My dad had a go at me on tuesdi as well which made me feel like shit cause I cant tell him stuff and if he knew 'stuff' Im sure he'd understand a bit better. Rang me yesterday to see if i was alright though which was sweet. He says I need to sort my love life out and stop letting it affect the rest ofmy life....uhhhh you THINK? App. Ive lost all respect for my parents and the rest of my family, oh and I cant keep staying at 'random peoples houses all the time' ???? WHAT? I DONT stay at randoms houses! I stay a one of two places, one is an ex who Im still really good friends with and lets me stay cause its easier walking to his than paying taxi fare home and the other is a friend who again lives within walking distance from where I go and my boyfriend (well ex as of a week ago) practically lives there now so y'know not exactly 'randoms'? ahhhhhh parents.
Speaking of my newest ex..(ewww that makes me sound kinda like a skank) he tells me he wants us to 'get back together', this was after two days apart btw. i dont know wtf to think these days. I dont know what i want. And I definitely dont want to get hurt. Meh I despise men sometimes..actually most of the time.
X Current Mood: surprisedCurrent Music: Evanescence-Imaginary
|Monday, January 12th, 2004|
OK so I am incredibly incredibly pissed off right now even thought Im trying to pretend Im fine. How stupid do people really think I am?!?! After everything I said on satdi..was I talking to myself or something cause it really seems like I was. WHAT is the fucking point of lying which I KNOW the person in question is doing. ..Im sorry but every single man Ive ever met in my life has turned out to be a lying twat.
I don't know for 100% sure but seriously..no-one has a relationship like that if theyre 'just friends', that is absolute bullshit. Does it seem like I just crawled out from under a rock or something? The thing that annoys me most is that he really thinks Im that gullible, especially when theres no fucking reason to lie in the first place!
ahhhh anyway..enough about that I only make myself worse.
Weekend was ok..I would say it was lotsa fun but I think that was only cause I drank 'quite alot' to put it nicely. Certain people annoying me, and others just being the biggest fucking hypocrites EVER..oh Im not even gonna bother doing this..Im only winding myself up more..
Current Mood: cranky
Current Music: Finger Eleven-Broken Words
|Monday, January 5th, 2004|
|If only I could breathe you in..every drop of you....
Ok sooooo my mother thinks Im a slut..how lovely..you know if i did actually act like a slut then I'd see her point but that fact is I really don't! Its just her 'assuming' things again. *sigh* it really pisses me off that she only has negative things to say to me.
I rang Em and she wasnt in so I tell my mam n shes says 'Oh she probably told them to say that cause she didnt want to speak to you' WTF?!
'How would she know it was me though, I didnt say'
'hmmm good point..no I dont think Emily would do that....'
Seriously..is it any wonder that I'm fucked up?!
Say for example ren had said something really nice she'll say 'oh he doesnt mean it, hes just saying it'
I love my mommy but she realllllllly does my head in.
On other subjects saw the infamous ex at the weekend....it really fucking irritates me that i can still love him to bits when hes such a twat. Everything was all nice and fantastic between us which was great but then again it just reminds me how much I miss him. Not that anything will ever come of it again, I know we're over in the boyfriend/girlfriend sense. Everyone kept going 'oooh you two make such a good couple, why dont you just get back together' which did NOT help one bit. And it was SO BLATENT that twed had planned the whole thing!
I feel the need to point out that I have spent a ridiculous amount of money on my phone in the past month, and its not even phonecalls i spend it on, its texts. I can't BELIEVE how much money Ive wasted, could have something to do with the fact I keep letting people lend my phone, well..not anymore!!
K, there is loads more I could put in here but the truth is I just cant be bothered!
Im probably going to be in a whole lot of trouble tomorrow so everyone, pray for me!! lol
X Current Mood: confusedCurrent Music: Inme-Crushed like fruit