It is the biggest pain in the WORLD trying to take off stage make-up eyeliner. IN. THE. WORLD.
You may now return to your regularly scheduled Blurtying.
bitchyMy best friend had a little situation
At the end of our senior year
And like a shot, she and Mitchell got married that summer
Carolann getting bigger every minute
Thinking, "What am I doing here?"
While Mitchell's out every night
Being a heavy-metal drummer
They got a little cute house on a little cute street
With a crucifix on the door
Mitchell got a job at the record store in the mall
Just the typical facts of a typical life in a town on the Eastern Shore
I thought about what I wanted
It wasn't like that at all
Made Carolann a cute baby sweater
Thinking "I can do better than that"
In a year or so, I moved to the city
Thinking "What have I got to lose?"
Got a room, got a cat, and got twenty pounds thinner
Met a guy in a class I was taking who you might say
Looked like Tom Cruise
He wouldn't leave me alone 'less I went with him to dinner
And I guess he was cute
And I guess he was sweet
ANd I guess he was good in bed
I gave up my life for a better part of a year
And so I'm starting to think that this maybe might work
And the second it entered my head
He needed to take some time off
Focus on his "career"
He blew me off with a heartfelt letter
I thought "I can do better than that"
You don't have to get a haircute
You don't have to change your shoes
You don't have to like Duran Duran
Just love me
You don't have to put the seat down
You don't have to watch the news
You dont' have to learn to tango
You don't have to eat prosciutto
You don't have to change a thing
Just stay with me
I want you and you and nothing but you
Miles and piles of you
Finally I'll have something worthwhile
To think about each morning
You and you and nothing but you
No substitution will do
Nothing but fresh, undiluted and pure
Top of the line and totally mine!
I don't need any lifetime commitments
I don't need to get hitched tonight
I don't want to throw up your walls and defenses
I don't mean to put on any pressure
But I know what a thing is right
And I spend every day reconfiguring my sense
When we get to my house, take a look at that town
Take a look at how far I've gone
I will never go back
Never look back anymoure
And it feels like my life led right to your side
And will keep me there from now on
Think about what you wanted
Think about what could be
THink about how I love you
Say you'll move in with me
Think of what's great about me and you
Think of the bullshit we've both been through
Think of what's past because we can do better!
We can do better!
We can do better than that!
We can do better than that!
Fuck you, Mike. As Tadas said to me last night, "You just got unlucky on your first try, that's all, darling." Yes, well, Mike. Fuck you. I may not be the most incredible and amazing person in the entire world, but I know when to let go, even if I don't know how to do the actual letting go. You left me, I would have stayed with you, but you didn't love me enough to stay with me, and so I have three little words for you:
Go to hell.
Goodbye, darling. :-)
bouncy
sadHAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKA!!!!!!!!!!
If there were words to express how amazing you are, I'd fill up a book larger than Les Mis. I'm so sorry I couldn't call you today, because I was thinking about it all day and wanted to wish you a happy birthday more than anything; of all things, the call wouldn't go through. I tried five times and it kept saying you weren't available. We'll try to work something out, if you still want to talk on the phone, but for now, this silly entry expressing my boundless adoration will have to do.
cheerful( Say there's no future for us as a pair, and though I may know, I don't care. )
blahSo I finally created a myspace, 'cause I rock. And Bri had been pressuring me to get one for some time. But anyway, it's a bit weird. She was right, myspace does seem to be replacing LJ, though LJ still rocks my socks and shall remain my one true love forever and I shall have hot internet sex with it and our love children will be named Wahezachaih and George. But I digress. The point of this entry was to point out how fascinating the Internet is. I mean. There's PORN on it.
Seriously, though. You never really relate the internet to people you know in real life. I associate the internet with meeting people online. And it's always a shock when I meet them in real life. It was a shock when I found out that this girl I'd friended on LJ actually went to my summer camp and I'd seen her around all of last summer. The people you meet online are faceless, unreal people that you don't think you'll ever meet. You don't even know if they exist. Well, of course, my really close online friends (as well as the ones I've met IRL), I know they exist, obviously. But...I don't know. I'm not very articulate tonight.
Anyway. Over at myspace, a lot of people from my school have blogs. Karen has one and she added me and when I saw that, I was just like, "Oh. Okay," and added her back. Then I saw on her friends list that she had all these people from school added. I wasn't close with any of them, actually, but the few who knew who I was, I added them. And it's just weird because, well, I tend to pour my soul out in my journals and I don't want people I'll have to face at school every day reading that. So obviously I'm not going to be writing very ranty or angsty entries over at myspace. And why have online journals, anyway? It's really all very attention-whorey. We write these angsty entries as if shouting out, "Lookit me! Lookit me, over here! I'm miserable!" This isn't hypocritical of me, because I fully admit to doing that. I like the comments and IMs I receive from people, even if it's just a, "Are you all right?" Attention-whores of the world unite, yo.
Anyway. I have to finish Dana's fic then go to bed. I have loads of homework to do tomorrow. Brilliant.
I think I'm going to make this a public entry. Just because I want to.
confused*dies*
Friend of mine, Roz, is coming up on February 19th to see Phantom (the stage show) and has invited me to meet up with her there. She's also invited Dana and Tadas. And Mike.
GAH IS THE WOMAN TRYING TO KILL ME. *thud*
I can not see him at POTO. Absolutely can NOT. I can see him at any other show (except maybe BKLYN). But I cannot. Absolutely CANNOT. See him at POTO.
Of course, Roz would call me stupid if I told her this.
She'd be pissed as all hell if I told her that I couldn't go because of this. She'd be pissed as all hell if I told her I couldn't go because of another reason/no reason at all.
The whole reason I'm DEPRESSED is because of POTO. I met him because of POTO. It was a lovely seven-month relationship, darling, but then you left me flat on my ass because you were scared and you wanted someone else and I'm not going to forgive you for that very quickly. So nyah.
And what does this all add up to?
Luisa is screwed.
On the other hand, I have convinced Julia to let me sing Cathy's songs from "The Last Five Years" as my pop/Broadway pieces for my voice lessons. Have I told you how much L5Y rocks? *dreamy sigh* It's brilliant. Absolute genius. I'm planning to sing all her songs from beginning to end, although it'll be quite difficult, given as they are written for a full-fledged belter and I'm a high soprano. Still, I'm going to try. I sang "Still Hurting" today, and almost started crying, which was stupid. I sounded okay, though. I'm a little worried because the next song is "See I'm Smiling" and that contains the lyrics, "You could stay with your wife on her fucking birthday," and I'm just not going to feel very comfortable saying "fucking" in front of my voice teacher. *fidget* [/pointless rambling]
Whoo. I'm off to bed now.
bitchyI have just realized something.
No matter how depressed you are feeling. No matter how sad or alone you may feel in the world. When your friends make you laugh or smile, you feel a million times better.
I was just talking to Nicole over AIM and we were being totally stupid. As in completely and utterly and FRIGHTENINGLY stupid. There was this rap song that was released a few years ago called "Baby Got Back" and the lyrics basically consist of variations on the theme: "I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!" So what do Nicole and I do? We look up the lyrics and start typing them out to each other. It was hysterical. I have absolutely no idea why. But I was laughing so hard that I was choking on the lemonade that I was drinking and practically snorting the stuff out through my nose (well...not really XD). It's such a ridiculous and random song, but the way we were typing it out to each other ("YOU AIN'T IT MISS THAAAANG!") just made me nearly die. (The next party I go to, I am going to request that the deejay play this song. ;p) I'm so grateful to have a friend like Nicole, I really am. She can cheer me up like no other with her bizarre and lovely sense of humor.
Also. Mika. I adore you and think you are one of the most wonderful people I have ever known and that entry you wrote made me really smile for the first time today. Thank you. ^_^
chipperThe reason I cut is because I talk to someone whom I love dearly with all my heart and who has completely abused that privilege. And he then calls me an idiot. And then, instead of apologizing, he proceeds to make fun of me some more. And I get upset and act all bitchy. And he asks me why. And I don't want to get in an entire argument because that is the reason he left me in the first place. And there is no one to talk to, to rant to, to cry to, and so I have to cut. That is the reason I cut.
blankOkay, random break from all this tiring angst to post THIS:
REPORT CARD GRADES!!!
Algebra I: 70% (Conscientious, participates. Pleasure to have you in class.)
Earth Science: 73% (Low homework, quiz, and lab average. More effort is needed.)
English 9H: 94% (Conscientious and strives for excellence.)
French II: 88% (Good work. Needs to participate more in class.)
Keyboarding: 100% (Good effort and work.)
Religion 9: Passing (Excellent work.)
World His & Geo I H: 94% (Excellent work. Conscientious.)
To be perfectly honest, I am SO PLEASED about the algebra grade. You should have seen my exam grades so far...every single one of them failing grades except for two. I feel absolutely rotten that he's passing me, even if it is only five points. I'm going to do much better this quarter. I have the entire weekend to study so I can take my next exam on Monday since I missed it today (teehee) and then I'll feel better about passing. If I pass. Oh boy. XD
Earth science, I really do need to work more on. I know I wouldn't have passed without all the extra credit projects that I did. I understand what we're studying now, so that's good; I'll study this weekend and do damn well on the exam on Tuesday. The only problem is that I've begun taking notes on the next section already and it's all about diagrams and maps and I don't understand a single fucking word of it. If someone, anyone--okay, the two people who read this, Mika and Bri--if you know absolutely ANYTHING about maps, please do not hesitate to give me all the help I can get. ;-)
I had a 97% average in English when progress reports came out. Hmph. ;_;
A bit disappointed by my French grade. I was aiming for somewhere in the 90's. I suppose I need to study more. I'm having so much trouble with grammar. Then again, I have so much trouble with grammar in English as well. ^^;
Pfft. Keyboarding. That was nothing. With all the time I take typing in these silly journals, I was bound to pass. XP Only problem is, this quarter we're learning about formats and vertical/horizontal centering, etc. Honestly. Who cares? But it involves math and subtracting the number of lines you use from the number of spaces on the page or whatever...Bloody fucking hell, as Mika likes to say. ;p
Religion. Hee. I'm surprised he's passing me, me being an atheist and all. He likes my Scripture interpretations, though (ie our daily warm up exercises to get our minds thinking "spiritually"). Everyone else writes, "God loves us and if we believe we wil go to heaven," but I write angsty, philosophical rantings and they're at least interesting, if somewhat nonesensical. ;-)
Global. Hey, baby. Did you see that passing grade? I can do it again. ^^;
cheerfulOMG random public entry leik whoa.
You know something odd? How relationships change. Between all sorts of people. Yes, I know who you all think I'm talking about, but for once, it isn't him, though of course, he's still there. But there are other relationships that are weird. Like my relationship with my mom. When I was little, I used to depend on her for everything and she knew the answer to every single problem I had and I could always rely on her. Now, well, she's just a person and she has her flaws and is fallible and I'm almost completely detached from her because I am my own person and I need to make my own answers and she wants me to stay a baby forever, but of course I can't. My relationship with my brother has completely deteriorated to nothing, to the point where I can't stand him and want to hit him about the head constantly. My relationship with my grandmother progressed much like my relationship with my mom...I used to love her and now I hate her. This may be partly because she is old and senile and annoying now, but yeah. My relationships with my friends seem superficial--I can't talk to them about anything. I tried to talk to Katherine about my current romantic distressing situation and she just sot of laughed and didn't really want to talk about it. And I consider her my best friend. And, of course, there's my, er, "current romantic distressing situation", which is crumbling to pieces before my eyes and I can't do a single thing to stop it.
What is happening to my relationships with people?! I used to be liked! *collapse*
confusedBut the walls of injustice are high...
I love "He Doesn't See Me". Not for just the unrequited love message, but just for that particular lyric, along with "There are boundaries we pass in spite of the war/But our own we can't seem to cross." I don't know who wrote the song, but it's absolutely lovely.
And you know what I've discovered? These years. The teenage years. Are the worst ones of our lives. There isn't a moment where I'm not horribly confused or horribly depressed or horribly happy. Mood swings, anyone? My philosophy is to try and live each day to its fullest, but sometimes that's almost impossible. So I'm just going to try and get through this point of my life. If I make it through that alive, I should be fine as an adult. Right?
frustratedLivejournal is being stuuuuuuuupid, so I might as well update this. ::cries::
Pretty thunderstorm outside, though. I may go down the driveway later tonight and stand in the rain, since I love doing that.
Eh. Nothing to write about. I'm stupid. And I need to call Nan and see if we're still going to see Cheno's last performance in Wicked on Sunday. I said I'd call her tomorrow, but apparently Mom needs to know now...she was online and I tried IMing her, but of course my buddy list decided that this was the opportune moment to stop working.
Grah. I hate computers. I really do.
annoyedEh.
So, originally, I was supposed to meet up with an online friend named Roz in the city on Sunday to see Avenue Q. I called her and sorted things out. Then it turned out that Mike wanted to hang out with me that day. So I invited him along. I called Roz and told her. Then Dana wanted to come along. I FORGOT TO CALL ROZ AND TELL HER. Roz ordered Avenue Q tickets. She didn't order one for Dana because she wasn't aware that Dana was even coming.
In a hurried moment, she ordered a ticket a row behind us, six seats over. Dana was uberly pissed off at me. As a strike back, she said that I had to sit in that seat because I was the one who was irresponsible enough not to inform Roz that she was coming. I have this truly bizarre problem with isolation. But oh well.
Oh yes, and I also forgot about Tadas. So he can't even come, because he hasn't got a ticket.
And the whole thing is just ruined.
And...I wouldn't even mind so much. I mean, everyone makes mistakes. Yes, this is a pretty big one, but everyone makes mistakes.
But...I have made MILLIONS of mistakes like this. I am so air-headed and unfocused and stupid and IRRESPONSIBLE that I can't even set up a simple theatre date by myself. Oh no. I have to screw everything up. Like I always do.
I really, really need to get better at this. Or what sort of an adult will I turn out to be?!
sadPRINCETON: I'm not wearing underwear today!
No, I'm not wearing underwear today!
Not that you probably care
Much about my underwear,
Still, nonetheless, I gotta say
That I'm not wearing underwear todaaaaaaaay!
CHRISTMAS EVE: Get a job!
PRINCETON: Thank you...honey!
amused"Gloomy Sunday"
Sunday is gloomy, my hours are slumberless.
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless.
Little white flowers will never awaken you...
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you.
Angels have no thought of ever returning you.
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy Sunday...
Sunday is gloomy;
With shadows I spend it all.
My heart and I have decided to end it all.
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are said, I know.
Let them not weep; let them know that I am glad to go.
Death is no dream,
For in death, I'm caressing you.
With the last breath of my soul, I'll be blessing you.
Gloomy Sunday...
Dreaming...
I was only dreaming...
I wake and I find you asleep
In the deep of my heart...
Dear...
Darling, I hope
That my dreams never haunted you.
My heart is telling me how much I wanted you.
Gloomy Sunday...
sadHappy Father's Day to those of you who celebrate it.
I had an operation on my finger virus yesterday, and so I am still in the process of recovering. :-(
I'm very tired and sick. I want to feel better!
But I have discovered that Finding Nemo is an awesome movie to watch when you are sick. Actually, it is just an awesome movie all-round. But it is especially awesome when you are sick.XP
amusedI can twirl my brother's recorder ninja style. I thought you would all like to know that.
I am now going downstairs to watch RotK. Much shall ensue in that time of following, such as making fun of Orlando Bloom and fainting at the sexiness that is Elijah Wood.
Fare thee well, my fellow Blurty users.
chipperI can twirl my brother's recorder ninja style. I thought you would all like to know that.
I am now going downstairs to watch RotK. Much shall ensue in that time of following, such as making fun of Orlando Bloom and fainting at the sexiness that is Elijah Wood.
Fare thee well, my fellow Blurty users.
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