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what the fuck [06 Sep 2003|11:16am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | mobb deep- getaway ] Omg, wat the fuck is going on with my life... seriously, wat did i do that was so fucking bad that i hav to pay for it with basically everything i have. all im really left with, is jerry, and hes two hours away. but im going to see him on monday. i lost my moms trust and now i lost all my frends bcuz of one frend that i hav... bcuz now i cant hang out with anyone bcuz of shit that i dont even do. my mom needs to quit trippin and stop bein a bitch so i can get on with my fucking self. she exaggerrates so damn much about shit. like today, i kno now that shes looking for a fight to send me away to my dads or wherever it is i might go. i was walkin around her desk that has a lock on it bcuz she has money in it and i kno where the key is, she has the key. and bcuz i jus had my hand on the handle thing, she flips out...'what are you lookin for??' 'what do u want?' 'if u didnt want anything then why did u try opening it??' im not fucking stupid, i kno u need the fucking key to open it, and i didnt hav the key so i was not intending on trying to open the motherfucker!!! what the hell n now im sposed to stay with my dad for the weekend?? fuck no, i stole my fuckin key back from her and tonite im going home i dont giv a fuck what she or my dad says, im not staying at my dads, and i really really doubt that i will be staying with my mom. wtf is her fucking problem!!!! i wonder if that whole emancipation thing works anymore with the government n shit. if it does, i will get me a fucking job, get my own place, pay my own fuckin bills, and not hav to fuckin worry about sum PSYCHO BITCH screaming in my fuckin ear every 5 minutes. yes the reason why i sed psycho bitch is bcuz a long time ago i called my mom a psycho bitch to my frend on the phone and my mom heard it, and lately shes been bringing it up all the time, but its true.. im not the one looking like a coke head for real. one day people were sposed to look at our house bcuz were selling it and before they came, we had like 40 minutes to clean the house a lil, u kno jus so it doesnt look sloppy. next thing i hear that nite my mom slamming the front door, running around the damn house flippin out bcuz the whole house is a complete mess. (even tho it wasnt bcuz my mom cleaned it before she left) we were in the laundry room and i dunno what she was doin but she was puttting something away and i culd see that she was shaking like she was scared and her eyes were round like fuckin marbles. she kept snifflin but i dunno if it was from something or if she jus had a cold but i dont kno. i jus wish i had different parents. lol really, i dont expect to hav parents that totally dont giv a fuck about me, but jus parents that mellowed out n shit. god i wanna go home right now but i dunno what home im going to.. lol, i mean first of all i dont kno what the hell id do if i went to my old house bcuz theres nothing there no phone no nothing and i dont have the keys to my new place. i dunno where the fuck im guna go. i dunno what the fuck im guna do!!!! i need to think of a plan for tonite bcuz i am staying at my dads tonite i do not care.... huggle me

damn [06 Aug 2003|06:50pm] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | staind- epiphany ] damn its been a long time since i wrote in this thing.. sooo much shit has happened that i jus dont even kno wher to start. shit between me n ryan got bad, i walked away, started goin out with jerry may 18th.. things wer peachy in the beginning, no matter what ryans been in my head this whole summer, he doesnt kno or think it tho. jerrys changing now, he burns all his friends, hes so ignorant to me now hes a completely different person now. i dont think i wanna be with him anymore becuz of what hes like now. skools going to start soon.. i need to get my permit and a fuckin job if i can. this summers been a blur. getting fucked up too much, not wanting shit in my life to be good again, thats why i refuse to make myself happy in ways that i can, that i kno wuld become happy. i feel completely empty, for real. i dont kno what out there can make me happy. i think i might try coricidin one more time before skool starts. jus to feel a totally different feeling one more time. idunno shits getting too hard... idunno im out tho. huggle me

[05 May 2003|08:52pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | price to play ] like shit cudnt gt any worse, shit that i hear about ryan and alisha jus getsme so fuckin pist. i cant believe that this is how much he fucin loves me. he can go n fuck both of us the same day, i bet he feels cool about that. i dont kno what to do any fuckin more, im shakin im so pist off. idont kno what loves is, cuz this isnt love. this is not love. its fine, its fuckin fine, all i gotta do is promise myself i wont go back to this shit, no matter how much all this hurts i cant go back, i feel like he jus fuckin walked all over me. and im not guna cry over this either. im fuckin out 1 .; huggle me

[04 May 2003|07:41pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | price to play ] omfg i swear i jus dont kno anymore, i dont kno who to call my true frends n im at the fuckin end of puttin up with everyones bullshit. fuck them huggle me

blAaAh. [03 May 2003|11:20pm] [ mood | pissed off ] [ music | staind- price to play ] failed to see how destructive we can be taking without giving back till the damage can be seen can u see can u see the more u take the more u blame but everything still feels the same the more u hurt the more u scream the price u play to play the game then all u see and all u gain and all u step on with the shame there are no rules no one to blame the price to play the game empathy, the chosen way to be blindly look the other way while u waste away with me can u see can u see the more u take the more u blame but everything still feels the same the more u hurt the more u scream the price u play to play the game then all u see and all u gain and all u step on with the shame there are no rules no one to blame the price to play the game once u pay to play the game the more you take the more you blame but everything still feels the same the more u hurt the more u scream the price u play to play the game then all u see and all u gain and all u step on with the shame there are no rules no one to blame the price to play the game once u pay to play the game --staind x price to play-- huggle me

[03 May 2003|09:55am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | kid rock-only god knows why ] jus like bobby said last nite... everything is fucking falling apart. just everything with everyone n im at the point where im really jus not guna care anymore, i tried too damn hard for shit i cant get. it aint even worth it anymore, crying and feeling like shit jus wont happen anymore. i jus gotta be alone for a little bit bcuz nothing will convince me that things will get better. i cant believe i started smoking i thought i wuld never start i didnt see no point of it. until two nites ago i cried till i culdnt n i jus took my moms square n jus smoked the whole thing. i felt so much better for a little bit, im starting to not care about my health or nothing. if things are shitty as is.. theres no point of fixing it and im done with feeling like this. all im concerned about tonite and any other nite is jus making myself feel good, just myself. i got my friends... but who can u trust. i cant even really trust most of my frends now, now i gotta go me. n ryan.. he wont change his ways n i dont believe were guna be together. i wanted us to be happy and to be together but he culdnt really even talk to me last nite at bobbys. i wanna giv up so bad and im at the point. i dont wanna wait im not going to im not guna be with anyone else for a while cuz i need to be myself. n if someone comes into my life and doesnt make me wait, thats great maybe well work things out. but it wont be the same, ill never love someone like i love ryan, but shit happens and u gotta let go no matter how bad it hurts. i have to give up n let go. all ill have are memories, i dont kno anymore i dont care anymore. im getting off i dont think im going out tonite, i jus wanna sit here n jus chill...i tried too hard for something that isnt mine anymore. im not even guna explain. ill write later huggle me

[18 Apr 2003|12:06am] [ mood | scared ] [ music | i need a hot boi ] god tonite was shitty as all hell and i feel shitty as all hell. but in a lil bit ill be feelin sumthin, like every 20 minutes ive been taking ccc.for me its like rite now everythings going down hill like it does every few months really bad. fuckin shane imed me tryin to start shit sayin i am a bitch jus cuz i i dont wanna talk to him. im like dude what the fuck ever i dontneed this shit. n then right before he got off he was like BITCH im like lol whatever dont be mad. i swear ppl like that annoy the hell outta me. its like get a fuckin clue. im starting to trip. after my second sentence in this journal entry i stopped and layed down n bed. i got up now n im chilin for real i think. im still pist bout everything i dont no wat to do im guna hav a bad trip i kno i will. this aint good. fuck everything in my life rite now. fuck IT. i do not care rite now. i wish things felt like this everyday. it feels like a dream. all this bullshit n hurt..its like a dreammmmmmmm. i jus dont fuckin get how things work now. i dont understand him anymore, i dunno what goes on in his head anymore i dont kno what he wants. i learned that in highschool ppl will find shit out about somthing faster than u think they and that ppl that u love and care for so much change, change jus like that and theres nothing u can do about it. shit im concentrating on this screen way too much. i dont kno what to write about anymore. i feel like nothin in my life is going right. i feel like my other half is gone for real i relly feel like that. i CANT let go of him, no not this guy. hes the one i love i mean truely love. i cant take this anymoreunless i wanted to get fucked up every day of my life n numbed my feelings out. he left me and i want him back. im listening t a song that reminds me of summer so much. i miss last summer even tho running after him the whole summer sucked it was worth every bit of it it paid off i realized that it wasnt jus puppy love or sum shit like that like this kid has my fucking heart..he has my fuckin heart and after the whole deal with david we got bac together and i jus actually truely loved him since then. i knew something real good was coming between me n ryan in the beginning of the relationship like wen we first started goin out it was special bu it wasnt real love yet. but i swear i loved thatboy the day he saw me crying outside at lunch n before shop he was the only one who saw me crying that day he was the onnly one who showed he cared. i swear i loved him since that day. but felings get stronger and stronger. u cant help it, its something very rare to find in a person and once u found it u jus cant lose it.u jus wish u culd hold on to it as long as u can. i believe that ppl that are in love, but hav problems n fight all the time n shit dont work out, even tho they care about eachother so much were meant to meet at a different time in their lives.like later on. but somhow they jus found eachtoher a lil too early.. but one day one really reallygreat day there guna realize they need eachother and theyll realize what they have. this is how i think of me n ryan. eighth grade was like a rollercoaster, our highs n lows. i cared bout him too much i believe that we were sposed to meet later in life like very close to the time right now bcuz we both realize shit. i love this boy with all my heart n ffuck what other ppl say. i dont care, words cant describe shit. u jus kno it. u jus fuckin kno ur in love. im trppin im out peace out 1 .; huggle me

deana <3's ryan... for life [27 Mar 2003|09:17pm] [ mood | happy.loved.sleepy. ] [ music | s0ng: picture* ] spring break is almost over and its been really crazy. it started out kinda shitty and it got better, all i can say now is that ryans being everything that i wanted him to be.. its crazy bcuz a long time ago i thought i culdnt love someone so much and rite now back then cant compare to how much i feel 4 him now. idunno i love everything about him and i love his kisses, there so soft and sweet n jus perfect with the perfect touch.. sunday nite was really bad it seemed like he was going back to shanas hosue with bobby and cara and he sed he was goin home but if he was going home why culdnt he walk with me towards the direction of his house? instead he didnt even say bye or nothing he jus started walking with them and that really got me goin. i was like fine be like that n some other shit and then kt n andrea were like be like atleast i got shane and i was so pist off that i actually yelled it to him. he walked back to me and asked why the hell i sed that i was like look at wat ur doin... where ur goin.. he went back to kts with me and that nite i told him that it hurt and it pist me off i dnno i jus cant see him with anyone else it might sound stupid or selfish but it jus feels rite wen were together. i cant let him go this time. hes been so good to me that if it jus fell apart i really wuldnt kno what the hell to do anymore. thats my baby boy and i can let some grl jus ruin that for me. he means way way too much now.i love him with all my heart and lately it seems like our relationship jus got stronger. i got to see him almost everyday this week and everythings jus rite right now. im guna see him tomorrow and for sure on saturday, thats if he can but i kno that hell be able to come over on sat. i cant wait till summer it seems like everythings coming together jus perfectly. n im so happy hes in my life and i kno that no one will make me feel this way. i saw ryan friday, saturday,sunday,monday i think, tuesday? and last nite and today..tomorrow will be friday and hopefully ill see him and saturday again :x lolz i cant get enuff of that boy. but i gotta stay focused jus in case something does happens i wont be so hurt but i dont kno, all i kno is that he means almost the world to me. what can i say..... i Love him so much... <3333 huggle me

[23 Mar 2003|08:16am] [ mood | empty ] this weekend was fucked up and im wish i culd jus think im thru with all the stupid bullshit. i wanna jus walk away from everything. i care about ryan so much now cuz im scared for him i cried so hard friday nite bcuz he was so fucked up n he was scaring me n i jus dont want something bad to happen to him anymore it hurts me alot inside and i dont think he cares. he was being so ignorant to me last wen two grls were over there and i dont no what to do. i was lucky i was kind of out of it i wuld hav been crying and it wuld of been bad. i had someone come over i felt better afterwards too they crack me up n i slept better last nite. but rite now i think i jus might cry. i hav to go to my dads pretty soon and hopefully ill get to come home early. im about ready to cut ryan off completely, he doesnt care. and hes not going to listen to me and i jus no something bad is going to happen to him soon, hes guna o.d. or something and i wish he culd open his fucking eyes bout this shit. i want somone who cares about themselves and that doesnt ignore me. and ryans proving to me rite now that it just isnt him. im guna try to not call him at all and i no its not guna be easy but im guna try.. n now i realize why he dumped me, so he can do whatever he wants with whoever.. and that us not talking anymore at all doesnt matter to him. omfg i dont get it. but whatever fuck it. huggle me

[12 Mar 2003|09:42pm] [ mood | listless ] [ music | fenix tx-tearjerker ] shit today was ssorta boring all i did after school was sleep til 530 we had early dismissal. i dunno it feels like shits fucked up lately. its hard to explain, i dunno maybe it aint hard to explain maybe i jus dont wanna bcuz id feel like a dork. i dunno even tho this is a journal it dont mean that i put nearly half as much of the shit im feeling. sometimes it dont feel like no one cares and i keep all that shit to myself, and i dunno things now are different like the situation im in ive never felt like this before and this feeling sux. all im guna say about how i feel right now is loneliness there, thats it, thats all i gotta say. im talkin to a kid that used to go to my skool a while ago he lives in louisianna, he sez hes coming back for spring break and summer. i have nothing to write about anymore i jus need to go back to bed. huggle me

[08 Mar 2003|09:05pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | amanda perez- angel ] eh today was a lil bit better i guess, i thought i was guna do something ryan but i didnt. im jus guna let sum shit go. alotta shits been buggin me and i dunno what to do. i dont hav much to talk about tonite. hm.. i dunno how im feelin right now, not much shit has changed. i gotta take 3 more pix n im developing my pictures and hopefully ill get the chance to make a homepage or some shit like that. i dont kno, im getting off. peace huggle me

[07 Mar 2003|07:20pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | wayne wonder- no letting go ] i feel so fucking stupid just staying home tonite, and im prolly guna stay home tomorrow nite.. i hate how everthings just ending up tonite. and now that kt likes cory hellaz shes guna hang out with his friends and him n shit,she told me shed call, but she didnt, its not important anyways. i dunno n then i told ryan id call him back in 5 minutes but no hes leaving in 5 minutes n he jus hangs up. he wont even tell me where hes goin tonite. i dunno i jus dont really wanna say how i feel right now bcuz i feel so stupid. i dont do shit anymore, all i do is sit at home. i jus wish someone was here right now, or i was somewhere else atleast.. yep, well this is my friday nite. :[ huggle me

[02 Mar 2003|09:18pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | no letting go ] like nothing could get any worse.. ryan brings up the whole thing bout dave again tonite nd im jus tellin him the same shit i told him las nite. NOTHING happened. but does he believe me? no. im ready to give up. im so tired rite now i wish that i jus didnt care about anything,that i didnt care about what ryan thought, bout what wud happen to me later. i dunno this week has been very shitty for me. n i dunno what to do about all this. i dont know how to get ryan to believe me about this shit. jus seems that if im lucky hell believe me over that stupd fagget. god i cant wait till he gets locked up. this is why everyone hates him, he starts shit with everyone. i jus wish ryan wuld believe me. i cant lose him over stupid shit like this. all i want to do right now is be with him. hopefully tomorrow hell want to come over, wen hes no huggle me

[02 Mar 2003|12:51am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | staind- outside ] tonite was another bad nite. i ended up being alone again and i drank enuff to jus feel careless until ryan called me telling me heard shit that i was fuckin around with dave. i met dave at bobbys house and i did not do shit with him and sposedly i was all over dave and all this bullshit. i dunno what ryan believes regardless of wat i told him and then he goes n tells me he was at chrissys house. this whole trust issue got to me. i never knew wat trust was, ive never trusted any other guy besides ryan but with chrissy.. its just another story, i kno they liked eachother even wen he was with me and all this other bullshit. i dont trust chrissy, shes done a whole lot with a hole lotta guys , wen it comes down to chrissy with ryan, i dont kno whatto be believe. my week was bad enuff without that shit. i still feel like shit n i just wanna throw up. too much has been in my mind and i have to face it. i cant sleep or nothing. im jus so damn tired but i cant sleep. my eyes are burning hella n i jus wanna talk to someone. i feel so down n i jus cant lose ryan over this bullshit. 1 .; huggle me

[28 Feb 2003|08:56pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | a. perez- angel ] i can tell tonites guna be shitty. its fuckin snowin and i kno im not guna be able to go anywhere, i dunno hopefully that will change. this whole weeks been shitty for me and im sick of it. things are starting to really piss me off or make me upset n i hate it. i wish ryan wuld plan stuff with me for the weekends, hes always with his frends i dont see why he cant see me. now that kt is gettin with cory shes guna wanna be with him alot, im hopin shes not guna start ditchin me or something. i dunno what to do, rite now im pist off, my body is aching, and its 9:oo n kt isnt kikin me off... i dunno i think im guna get off this thing and see wat all happens. ill write later.. :( huggle me

[02 Feb 2003|12:06pm] [ mood | scared ] [ music | nothin ] this weekend was fun. friday nite me n kt went to bobby's house and got crunK n then we went to this dave dudes house n went to steak n shake after that but i fuckin left bcuz bobby was sooo drunk ppl wer starin at us n shit. we went bak to bobbys n left from there. that dave kid i guess thought we were guna hook up n i told him i had a boyfrend. he was like ohh my bad, last nite we went to bobbys again, i wanted to see ryan tho ;[ i drank this stuff grand marnier or somethin like that. it tasted like whiskey but better. i took a few shots of that n smoked a blunt with 4 other ppl n then me n this kid name wuf finished it. then it was almost 11 and i was like i gotta go home n katie was so damn fucked up i had to leave her there bcuz her mom wulda flipped if she came home. n so she spent the nite there and i went bak to katies n told her mom that she was stayin a lil later. my mom picked me up like an hour later. ryan never called me bak last nite. n now katies prolly in trouble and im prolly guna get into it too cuz i called her mom on three way n shit n she told her mom she was over at my house n all this stuff, i dunno i jus cant get into any more trouble. right now i feel funny, not sick but like im comin down from my high jus now. i dunno im kinda tired. i was soooo blowed wen my mom came to pick me up but she didnt find out. i had a happy meal last nite, i ate it for like half an hour n bed n then i jus passed out. man i jus dont want her mom callin my house, or come over n be like was she really at ur house. i dunno im jus kinda afraid rite now. im being really paranoid. well im guna go out n my nailz done. n i wanna see my babi ;[ ill write later 1 .; huggle me

[25 Jan 2003|04:45pm] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | tank- one man ] fuck. i had such a bad hangover earlier it sucked real bad. i threw up once n then i did it again wen i was in the shower. n my neck hurted alot too, but now im feelin better. i think im guna be chillin on bud for a lil while. ah my baby jus got on. i dont hav much to write about i dont really feel like doin a entry..ill write later. peace huggle me

[22 Jan 2003|06:28pm] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | nothin ] today was coo, this weekend was better tho. we had a four day weekend, and i dunno it was fun i went to incaho0tz nd then i saw my babi boy like 3 days n row (big thing for me lol) n im hella happy that im wid him again. i think things are guna be better this time. he seems like he really wants to be with me now n i hope his feelings arent guna change. im guna make me sum cookiez pretty soon, idunno maybe..the thought of cookies is kinda gettin nasty now that im eating ice cream. i dunno.. i think im guna go to bed pretty soon im getting a lil tired, but i got homework to do n shit n i gotta be up. shit i dunno what i shuld do. blahhhh well im out now i aint shit to write bout. i love ryan 2 .; huggle me

[10 Jan 2003|09:52pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | box car racer- there is* ] i didnt get to finish my last entry. i wasnt feeling good at all that day. since then not much good has happened..today me n hB split a dub n smoked it before the game. it was fun, but my mom kinda found out. she didnt do much bout it.god 'there is' reminds of ryan so much, like part where its like 'with every single letter and every single word, there will a hidden message bout a boy that loves a grl' :*[ heh i miss him already.. jus the fact that its over makes me so upset, and so angry and like i lost him again. im so tired rite now, i jus dont feel like doing this anymore. i had lots of fun at the game, fro n ben wer makin me laugh hellaz and zuki was blowed too. we hav exams next week and i hope i do good. rite now i jus need to concentrate on my damn grades bcuz nothin else is guna help me later on. i jus need to put alotta shit aside bcuz obviously anything i try to make work out doesnt go the way i wished it culd..n im tired of all that shit but i dont have nothing else to say. 3 .; huggle me

[06 Jan 2003|04:16pm] today was the first day bak in skool.. it didnt go too well.. i was hoping that maybe itll be better but no instead im sitting here at home crying bcuz of something. things are getting harder and harder. then they get easier and easier..and it starts all over again. i wish i never felt love like thiz bcuz i kno if i didnt i wouldnt be comin bac for more.. i kno that i wouldnt be crying all the time expecting something good to happen to me. and i feel like im selfish i bring all my problems into other pplz lives like they fucking care huggle me

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