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Sunday, February 15th, 2004
2:44 pm - A warm Shower....
I was in my thinking place this morning. Actually
I am in there every morning. This may sound a little
strange but I love to think in the shower. Best place in
my opinion. No one to talk to you. Unless you are taking
a shower with someone els. Still haven't tried that one yet.
But when I am washing my hair it seems that all my problems
just melt away while the shampoo is flowing down my back.
I love to think about what he told me. What did it really mean.
I love to think about what I am going to be like in ten years.
If I am going to be something or if I am going to be living with
my parents. That kind of scares me. Things sort themselves out
when that hot cool water slides down my face. Nothing can go
wrong. Then when the water is turned off and the harsh reality
of a towel wipes me down, I come back to the ground as if
someone so close to me has died. Why can't life be like a shower?
That feeling you get as soon as you step into it. The water just
hits your body with a sensation of pure bliss. You control how hot
or how cool that water is. Meaning you control what happens in
your life. The shower is filled with shampoo the makes everything
shiner and stronger. A conditioner to ensure that shine.
And when it is all over you know that you will be able to take
another one as soon as you would like. Oh, what am I babbling about.
Showers and comparing them to an actually being of life.
Hmmm...maybe I need some rest. All I know is I would rather
take a long hot shower then actually go out on a date
with my dream guy. Of course there would be exceptions for Adam.
No, not the guy that works in the Photo Lab at your local Target.
All thought he is kinda of funny. I am talking about Mr.Sandler.

current mood: peaceful
current music: Phantom Planet: "Turn Smile Shift Repeat"

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Sunday, February 8th, 2004
8:14 pm - Best love song ever!
Billy Idol (Speaking): Good afternoon everyone. We're flying at 26,000 feet, moving
up to thirty thousand feet, and then we've got clear skies
all the way to Las Vegas, and right now we're bringin you some in-flight
entertainment. One of our first-class passengers has written a song
inspired by one of our coach passenger, and since we let our first-class
passengers do pretty much whatever they want, here he is.

Robbie Hart (Singing):
I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad
Carry you around when your arthritis is bad
All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches
Build you a fire if the furnace breaks
Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you
Kiss you
Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you
Feed you
Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink
Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink
I could be the man who grows old with you
I wanna grow old with you

This song is the sweetest song ever to be written. And
it was written by the kwelest, funniest, most sweetest guy
ever to walk on this earth!!! ADAM SANDLER!

current mood: giggly
current music: This song of course!

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Saturday, January 31st, 2004
4:54 pm - Lost in a Crush!
Last night was nothing short than amazing! My Friends
(Jasmine, Vanessa, Candace, Tom, Lydia[Not Lyds from Austin] Amanda, & Paul)
all went to go out and have some fun. The night stared off with me
being a good Samaritan. This man who was in line at McDonalds
was trying to pay with a check. But McDonalds does not take checks
so the man was all freakin' out. He was telling the cashier
that he was going to run home....and that he would be right
back. I felt sorry for the guy to I stepped up to the cashier.
"Here you go. How much is it??" I said with a smile. The man
seem to be a little upset that teenage girl was having to pay
for him(and embarresed). He was grateful though. And it
felt good to help someone out.

Then after that we all headed to the bowling lanes! Oh my
gosh!!! As soon as I walked in I saw HIM! This great guy who
I have a little "something" for. Oh gosh he was just so hot!!
Well, the only lane they had open (and this was so ironic!) was
next to his!!! And I mean right next to him! When we would
take score I would be sitting right next to him. Well, I haven't
spoken to him in like 2 years so he said hello to me and
Candace because we were the only two he actually knew. But
just the same he shook everyone else's hands. (Because that is the
kind of guy he is. SO gentleman like) Oh.....I was in heaven.
Well, I was being myself and smiling and acting all goofy. You
know trying not to change myself so my friends wouldn't say
anything. Well, we must have gotten there when HIM and his
friends were almost done. He was leaving and he gave everyone
hand shakes and was like,"Take care!" Oh...*sigh* When
I sat down next to Candace she looked at me and smiled.
"WHAT!" I was trying to fight back my smile. "You know Linda
he was saying that he thought you were SO cute!" she told me
with a little giggle. My heart just dropped! I usually get so mad
when guys think I am "cute"...but I don't know....coming from
him I didn't mind. You know how when you have a crush you just
feel like you can do anything! You have this feeling of *sigh* and
everything is just great. Since I haven't had a crush in so LONG,
I am all happy now and light headed. I have been filled with
creative ideas and inspired to do so many things! I changed my
room around. I was fixing my garage so I can start doing my
workouts in there....instead of having to go to skwel. I hope I
get to see him again. I am thinking that it was fate that night because
when we were at McDonalds Candace was asking me who I liked
and I told her that I didn't have a crush. And the only guy I did kinda
liked had already graduated. THEN, what do u know, I see HIM at
the bowling ally!!! I feel so great!! I forgot what it is like to have a
crush. The non-stop smiling. The light hearted feeling. And
when you see your crush the way you get all red and shy but try
so hard not to show it!

current mood: ecstatic
current music: MEST: "Richard Marxism"

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Thursday, January 29th, 2004
10:32 pm - Re-treat???
Today was pretty kwel. I was able to come
home early from skwel! Yes! I had fun. Put together
some old memories of my friends and people I have
met over the years by all the pictures I have taken.
Yeah I made a photo album. It's sweet. Then something
really weird happened. About an hour ago my cousin Lj called.
He was asking how it was going and what have I been up 2.
But when it came right down to it, he was really calling to
see if I was still going to a church retreat out in Kerville.
I told him during Christmas break that I would think about it.
Well, he called to tell me that registration is on Sunday! Oh shit!
So I guess I am going to a church retreat. Ok, for all you
who know me, I am not too big of a fan for church itself. Don't
get me wrong about the whole religion thing, but I am not too
shwanked out about getting up early in the morning to sit and
hear a guy talk for an hour and a half on things that have already
happen. Now I have to go to a place where this is going to be
going on for three days strait! Heaven help me! Literally!! Lj said
that we are going to read from the bible and sing hymns and all that
"good stuff". Man, if I go insane and don't come home during spring break
everyone will know why!!!

current mood: anxious
current music: Eagles: "Hotel California"

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Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
2:16 pm - Just sittin'
I am here in computer class sitting next to my friend
Craig and Jake. Craig is working on a report for some
strange little man. I think he is a teacher. Not too sure.
Jake is making a new journal for himsel. I helped him a
bit. Now he can write about all the people that piss him off!
45646461!! Craig is being a meanie. He7 said 777

Look what ghe did6!@!
J66666he is mesting with my computer while I am writing!
now jake is too! Cry...Well, this ins't a update but i am just
wanting to ...I don't know! Bye


current mood: amused
current music: (people who won't shut up!)
Monday, January 19th, 2004
11:13 pm - Ex love,.... had to pee,... and fell on my ass!
Today was one of the best days I had in a long while.
We (Jasmine, Amanda, Lydia, Paul, Louis, Tom, and Philip)
all went and hung out. We ate at some weird restaurant that
I didn't even know existed! The food wasn't too bad but it
made my stomach hurt. The freakiest thing happen though.
About Philip. He and I use to date. I didn't know that when
we were going to pick up Tom that his cousin was going to
be with him. (Philip) Oh gosh! I felt so....weird! If I knew
maybe I wouldn't have gone. We talked about little things.
Small talk. He brings up when we use to date.(making me uncomfortable in my chair)
I just smile and say,"Good times." Trying not to let him
know I am getting a little uneasy. He talks about how
great it was and blah blah blah! He asks me about my love
life. I laugh and turn to him simply saying that I don't
have one. Then when I ask him about his love life, he stops,
takes a drink of his water, then turns to me and smiles.
"I got back with my ex Jennifer. We are still together."
Oh my gosh! What a jerk. Trying to butter me up with
little sweet talk and then says that he got back with his ex.
He dated her before him and I ever went out. Then he had the
nerve to tell me that the time we dated was only "Time Off" for
him and Jennifer. While, I might add, he is touching me and
rubbing my back. Grabbing my leg too! I guess because
I am going through this lonely stage that I am a little upset
over nothing. But still, if I knew I was going to run into him
I would have dolled myself up a bit. I mean if he was going
to throw it in my face that he was with someone I at lease wanted
to look good to show that I am doing fine without someone!
I don't know, I felt like I was in some daytime Soap Oprah or
something. Well, anyway....his parents came and picked him
up from the restaurant and the rest of us were off to pick up
some pie for Jasmines Mom. On the way I had to pee really
bad!!! So Paul stopped at a H-E-B. When I ran in to the restroom
there was a sign on the door. "Closed for Cleaning" Oh man, and
I really had to piss. I yelled out,
"WHAT! SHit! You have to be kidding me! I gotta pee!!" A really hot
guy who was at a register near me just looked at me
and was laughing. I felt really stoopid and I
still had to pee. So then we went to Wal-Mart to go get the pie.
And so I could use the potty.(NO they didn't have pie at H-E-B)
After that we headed to McDonalds.
Not to eat again, but to say hi to a friend of Lydia's and Amanda's that
worked there. We ended up going to the play place and played
hide-and-go-seek. (which really sounds like "Hideangleseek") And my
knees are now all bruised up! Well, Louis threw Tom's shoes over
the gate and me, wanting to be nice, I jumped over and got it
back for Tom. Well, to get back over the fence I had to jump it
again. The second time didn't go so smooth. My foot got caught
in the gate and I fell straight on my head then landed on my ass!
Oh was pretty funny.

current mood: dorky
current music: The Dollyrots: "Boom Boom"

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Saturday, January 17th, 2004
4:54 pm - Twice on Weekends, Once on Sundays......
My Mom left to Louisiana for the weekend. She is the biggest
gambler I know. She is constantly going to Bingo and it dives
me crazy. Ask any of my friends, when she doesn't go it is only
because....well scientists have yet been able to define this
phenomenon, but when she doesn't go the world seems to stop.
It's not natural for my Mom to be home and not to be in a Bingo hall.
Well, since she left my dad has been ordering me to do all the house
work. I think I made him a little upset because I told him that I wasn't
"Mom" and I am not going to be picking up after him. HaHa! Sucker!
He is making me go to church! I am so upset. I like church.....if it
was only like ten minutes and not an hour. I swear I can't
understand a damn word our priest says anyway!! It's like he is speaking
gibberish...which I only understand when I am drunk. SO the only
logically explanation is to go to church drunk, so then I could finally
understand what our priest is saying, and one day make it into the gates of
heaven. Going to church drunk wouldn't be a first for me. lol, I am not a bad
girl, don't get me wrong, I just have made some weird choices but that
was the one time church was actually fun. Man, I sang my heart out
and gave hugs like nobody's business!! Full of joy and happiness eating
the holy bread, which by the way tasted the best that day. Then
an hour later when I got home my head hurt like hell let loose in it. I
guess God was very upset with me for going to church drunk! From then on
I have only drank on Friday nights and not on Saturdays so I will be OK for

I guess after my dad makes go to church (On A SATURDAY!!!) I will go
get my pictures developed. I love taking pictures! I love pictures! You
are actually freezing time with light, chemicals, and paper! Wow, that
makes my mind spin. It's like you can look back to when you were only 5
running around in underwear, when it was actually OK and you can't get
fined for it by the cops because it is considered indecent exposure, and
you can remember the way freedom felt. You can look at pictures from
parties and see how everyone gets along because of the fact that alcohol
makes it OK. People from all sorts of different natures, whether they be punk,
goth, preps, jocks, and nerds, can all get along with alcohol and its kwel. Of course the
next day when you see these people again they act like they don't know you.
Or they give an awkward hello.
HA! People are the funniest species!!

current mood: bouncy
current music: Wedgekase: "Dan Castellaneta" (you gotta hear this song!)
Thursday, January 15th, 2004
9:40 pm - Not mean!..., Friends first..., & Longing for Love.....
Interesting! That is not what my life has been this past
week. Oh, if anything it has been a train wreck! People
won't get off my case about so many things. What is this?
Lets make Linda feel Miserable week? I said no to two guys
who asked me to prom. And people, mind you, that I never
talk to, are telling me that I should just go and that I
need to stop being mean. What?! I am not being mean!
I didn't plan to go anyway. And when a girl says no, she mean no.
Another thing, the second guy who asked me gave me a
letter today. It said some pretty insightful things. But in a way
it kind of creeped me out. He has never ever, in all his high
skwel days, said one thing to me. And he doesn't even know me.
Here he is trying to ask me out?
I guess in some cases that would seem normal. But not for
me...I need to get to know a person. Become friends first.
Then maybe something will happen between us. If not, then
why bother? I mean if you can't be friends with a person....what
in hell makes you think you could be a couple(together)?

I have this dream. To go to collage and not even be
looking for a boyfriend. But then, out of nowhere, I find this great guy and
me and him become the best of friends. We talk a lot and love to hang out!
3 years of friendship goes by as well as 3 years of bad relationships. Which we
talked about to each other and make each other feel better about them.
Then, suddenly, we discover we were meant to be with each other.
Ha! like that will ever happen. Life does not go that way I plan. Ever!
So this dream will always stay a fantasy.
Still, it is nice to envision this happening. My Mom says that I will never
get a husband, like I'm looking for one (rolls eyes), because I can't cook. I can
too cook! Well, just breakfast items. I make damn good pancakes (when I try)
and good eggs. Besides, cooking is not the reason my husband will
love me! ;) (I am waiting till my wedding night to consummate) I figure
by then all my sexual frustration will be built up. I am a weirdo!

Oh, but what if I don't find anyone? What if I die alone? Never knowing the
mellifluous tenderness of someone's touch. Never knowing what it was like to be held
by the one person who really made me feel benevolent. And most
of all, to never know love itself. Maybe my Mom is right. I should
just become a nun and forget about everything els. But I want to find
love someday. Not tomorrow...or next week.....but someday. Great! Now I have
made myself feel lonely. *sigh* I want someone to just hold me...and make
me smile. Oh, if only Adam Sandler was 20 years younger and not married.
I mean of course I would date him now, but he wouldn't get into trouble with
the law if he was my age.

current mood: indescribable
current music: Ruskabank: "I don't think you hear me though"

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Sunday, January 11th, 2004
9:09 pm - Horoscope Time!!
Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Being attracted to someone outside your usual age group is a possiblity this week. Maybe you just want someone to take care of you, or are looking to take care of someone else. Either way, Libra, try not to confuse neediness with love, because they're not the same.

Wow, this one is really close. I guess they are making a break through at guessing what is going on in complete strangers lives. I guess I am looking at these for comfort of some sort. Hey, don't you think it is weird that my name (Li-nd-a) has the same first two letters and same last letter as my sign Li-br-a? Huh........weird...wonder if that connects me to my future husban somehow?? Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my.....well you know the saying.

current mood: lonely
current music: The song that is stuck in my head.......By:????

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Saturday, January 10th, 2004
4:12 pm - ....Guilt trip, I said no, and a friend leaves......
Well, nothing much has been going on this week. I
really haven't had time to update as well. I tried to get
out of basketball. Don't get me wrong I love the sport, it's
just I don't have time for basketball right now. Especially since
my grades aren't doing so well. The coach gave me this wild
guilt trip so I I am still in it. Oh well, the running is doing me
some good. The only sport I am truly excited about it tennis.
Oh I can't wait. Just one more month!
I got asked to go to the prom. lol, but the guy who ask me has
never spoken one word to me since last year! He is a really nice
guy but I don't want to go. Not just because I don't talk to the guy
but I wasn't planning on going anyway. And I don't want to go with
someone that I am not going to have fun with. What would be the
point in that? Besides I went with someone last year who I really didn't
want to go with in the first place and I have decided to stand up for
myself and say no once and a while.
My friend Lydia left today back to Austin. *sigh* I miss her already.
I got use to her just being at her house. Now she is gone. She came
over last night to say good bye and drop off my Christmas gift. lol,
I have not got hers out yet from lay-away because I am a poor broke
ass teenager. Sorry Lidz. She got me a James Dean Poster!! Oh I love
that girl! Only one I can trust. I am going to Austin next weekend to see
her and visit her environment. I am excited. Not like I am a small town
girl who has never seen a city before, just I am excited that I get to hang
with Lydia once more.

current mood: good
current music: Bikini Kill: "Rebel Girl"

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Monday, January 5th, 2004
10:21 pm - Very upset.......
Oh dear, where to start? Well, remember that last horoscope
I wrote that said something I lost will come back to me next week?
Seems it came a little early. Someone called me tonight and I thought
I would never have to talk to him again. Why did I pick up the phone?!
He called to see how I am doing and stuff. *(So he says)* The story behind
this guy is one and all the same. Let me break it down sweet & simple
for you. I liked him a lot. He led me to believe that he liked me a lot
as well. We went out on a few dates. He did something very sweet
that showed he did care. He came over to my house and surprised
me after school to talk. That, to me, was very sweet. Just when I
was getting comfortable liking him and thinking that me and him
actually had something he trashes me. For who? For his ex-girlfriend!
The same freakin person he trashed me for the last time him and I
started to talk!! Yes, before this, I use talk to him. So I should
have seen this coming,right? Well, he has the balls to call me up
and start this shit all over again. I don't want to talk him, at all! I
don't want anything to do with him. If there was a machine that
existed to erase memories I would ask them to plug me up and
make me forget it all!!! And Lydia, sweetie, I love you to
death....but I lied. I told you it would be a good idea to hook Mega
up with him but I wouldn't like it at all. Yes....I am jealous. I admit it.
Sorry but I am. Even though I am not all too kwel with
should do it anyway. Who am I to stop you. I just wanted to say
that because I could never actually say it. I will move on
I always do. But it is kinda hard because you know what happen.
I guess to most people out there I sound very clingy...and overly
dramatic about the whole thing. I know, I know. But still I guess I really
did like him. And other guys I wouldn't even look twice at. (Like John)

( I am in my underwear writing about a guy that obviously had
some effect on me and my pathetic little existence. Wow, I have sunk to a new low.)

Skwel starts tomorrow and I am very nervous. I have no clue as to why that is.
Hopefully some new foreign exchange student will come and I will actually
fall madly in love with him and we will run away to California where we will
sell seashell by the seashore...

current mood: crushed
current music: Tiger Army: "Under Saturn's Shadow"

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Sunday, January 4th, 2004
12:41 am - ........Horror-scopes.......
These are 2 different horoscopes from 2 different websites...

1) The Moon in your house of higher learning could put you in the mood to get back to school tomorrow. But before the high-speed hamster wheel starts up again, take some time for one last social call. Go skating with a date, or join some girlfriends for an afternoon of chick flicks and the latest on all the guys you're after. Neptune will help you imagine the unsaid details.

2) Something that you thought was lost forever is on its way back to you next week. So spend time this weekend getting ready for its appearance — practicing how to be grateful and surprised when it happens (even though thanks to your astrologer you were one up on everyone!).

Okay for the first one. I am not going back to skwel tomorrow. Not until Tuesday. And I am after no guys so
I can't really talk to my "girlfriends" about them. Besides I am pretty sure that my friends have better things to do than to sit around and hear all about me and the guys I am after. As for Mr.Neptune....I think he took a vacation when word got to him that Linda needed some help to imagine "unsaid details".

For the second one, whatever I lost I probably lost it for good reason! I mean there are two things I can think of
that I lost and I never wanted to find. Hence the reason why I lost them. If that does happen to me I won't thank that astrologer I will personally rig their toilet to flush the opposite way into their ass.

Horoscopes are fun when they are wrong...shows that your life is up to you and what you want to make of it.

current mood: cranky
current music: Division of Laura Lee: "Need to get some"

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Thursday, January 1st, 2004
10:10 pm - No confidence, and a bunch of dribble on guys and me....
Oh my goodness...have you ever been in a
situation where you knew you could have had
something but you didn't take it? Where a golden
opportunity was awaiting you and you turned it down?
I count the number of times this has happen to me and the sum
is ridiculous!! I am not a very confident person. If you
were to rate my confidence level on a scale from 1-10
you know what I would be? -10! Well, my point that I was making was that
I had these opportunities and because of the fact that I didn't
believe in myself I turned them away. Some without even knowing.
I guess now I know this I must be prepared for the
future if this were to ever occur again. Doubtful, but nevertheless I am ready.

Last night Lydia helped me discover something. I told her
that I felt that I didn't have personality. Like I didn't have an
identity. She told me that I did, but I was not too sure what it
is right now because I still have time to decide who I am. I believe
she is right. I still have some time to grow and discover a few things
about myself. Well, I told her I felt this way because I can't seem
to keep a guy. Yes, I start talking a guy and he likes me. We go on
a date or two then he doesn't call me any more. I thought it was
because I don't put out. And that may still be the case. I am still
not too sure. But I think it is because I am not girlfriend material.
And Lydia said that it is the way I am. Yes, I am loud and fun, but
that is not what holds a guy down. We were thinking that guys want
a girl that is going to be there for them 24-7. That is all the girl has
time for. For him and only him. That she calls him and will drop
anything she is doing just for him. Sorry, but I don't fall under
that category. I have to have my own life and do things
for me. I mean, of course I would make the guy feel like he is
wanted but I am not going to stop everything I love doing
for just a guy. One time, not too long ago, my friend Michael
told me that I was not girlfriend material because of the fact that
I don't care. That I am independent. I always pay for myself and
will never take anything from anyone. He said that guys need
to feel needed and wanted. He told me that if I never call the guy
then the guy thinks I don't care. That was a reason he didn't ask
me out. One thing he told me made me kind of upset. He told me,
"I know your kind, and I don't want to get involve with that mess."
AHH! I think I would be a very good girlfriend. I mean yes, all
the relationships I have been in I dumped the guy. But with good
reason! The first guy went crazy one me! The second wanted to get
married to me!(as well as the first one) And the third just really
creeped me out. Maybe everyone is right........maybe I am not I
don't contain girlfriend potential *sigh* Why can't I be like every
other girl! Why can't I fall in love with all the guys I date? Why can't
I devote myself to my latest boyfriend? Why don't I have sex? Why
can't I get jealous if I see a guy I like talking to another girl?
Why... because it is stoopid!!! I am glad to be the way I am. I am happy
and I feel sorry for all the girls who don't have a life except the one
that they waste on their boyfriend. Don't get me wrong....having a boyfriend
doesn't mean you are wasting your life. But when you do nothing but
waste all your energy, time, and feelings on your boyfriend that is when
I feel sorry for you. Oh dear...I guess I should stop on this subject
before I make myself go insane.

current mood: irritated
current music: Noggin' Toboggan: "Rise and Fall"

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Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
1:08 am - Crazy stuff.....
Wow, today was fun. I went to Pleasonton today with Lidz where
I treated her to dinner. Something to add on to her Christmas
gifts I got her. Well, afterwards we went to Wally World(Wal-mart)
and we bought some on-sale Christmas chocolate. Yummy! We hit
Sonic next and we parked right next to a truck. On the back of it
was a confederate flag with country station bumper sticks.
And in the bed of the truck was a dog. Lydia, being cute
as usual, rolled down her window and started barking at the dog.
Then meowing like a cat at it! All though her cat impression sounded
like the cats around our house that are having sex! It was so
funny!!! The guy in truck was getting mad and Lydia was still meowing!!
Oh man...I thought he was going to get a pitch fork and go after Lidz!!
Later not too long ago David & Andrew came over. They wanted to
have a sleep over but Lydia couldn't. Don't worry David & Andy are
just friends. And nothing would ever happen because well.....they
don't sway in the girl way. But I love them to death!!! And it was
so good to hug David!!! I miss him! And wow, we have too many dogs
in our neighborhood!! We were just standing in my front yard and
these dogs bark like it is ww3!! Hence the reason I had to stop
sneaking out at night. All those dogs barking and barking..
..ahhh!!...and the neighbor in front of me is the biggest snoop ever!
She probably thought I was buying drugs or whoring myself off!! I
swear that lady needs to get a life!
Oh gosh, everything I saw on TV was nothing but love stories. And
it seems to me that all I am hearing on the radio is love songs. Just
when I get use to not having anyone I go into a total relapse. No!
I must be strong... It's not having anyone to kiss...or to even have
anyone to take me out...but I just miss having someone to trust. Someone
who I can talk to and just make me smile. no!! Stop thinking of that. I'm
fine..yes I am. I just need to keep thinking of Adam Sandler.
Yes, I can never have him and he can never hurt he is a
good crush to have. Oh well...until next time...

current mood: content
current music: Incubus: "I miss you"

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Monday, December 29th, 2003
2:17 pm - ....My Utopia......
I had a vision. beautiful it
was. Bluest ocean as well as sky. And myself
sitting on that wonderful shore of paradise. I think
everyone has their own Utopia and mine is California.
I have a friend who, bless his little heart, moved here
from California. He told me about how he would go
surfing and stay the nights on the beach. I think
about it and see myself staying the night on the shore.
I envision looking up at an endless realm of diamonds
that spread in the darkness of the sky like smooth
peanut-butter. Wow, if I could only be there. I ask
him if he misses it. He always replys,"Linda, would
you miss your own little slice of heaven??" This
being said to me makes me feel so empty. As if
something is missing. I never really had a piece of
heaven to begin with. *sigh* Maybe someday I too will find
myself sitting in my Utopia. A sandy beach of California.....

current mood: pensive
current music: Phantom PLanet: "California" (oddly enough

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Sunday, December 28th, 2003
2:06 pm - Divorce......
Man, Sundays are very dull. Ever since I was little
on Sundays there seem like there was nothing to
do! Oh on a higher note, I am wearing a new bra!
Strapless! I never really liked strapless bras because
they never really seem to stay up! Now, for one reason
or another, they stay up. Wonder why, huh? Maybe it is
because I am becoming a woman. lol!! Sorry, little humor
My sister is getting a divorce. I knew things between her
and Ernest (her soon to be x-husban) weren't going to
last. And I told her that too. A big argument is re-playing
in my head. Did he really cheated on her is what it is.
My friend Lydia says that I just make him up in my
head to be a really great guy. But the truth of the matter
is that I truly think he is. In my heart I feel that Ernest
couldn't have done that. It's just the way he is. The
way he explains things to me on how he feels about
certain subjects. Don't really want to say what.
He was always my male role-modle. I looked up to
him for a guy that wanted to be with someday. I think
he didn't love my sister, and the only reason he did
was because they had a child together. And he
wanted to stay for the baby. She is 6 years old now
and I love her to death!! I think my sister just wanted
to get out. Get out and live a life of fun. Because she
couldn't do that while she was married. And ah-ha, divorce
is the way to do it. Do I wish my sister stayed with Ernest?
No, because she will soon see what a mistake
she has made. I pray that I don't have to go through
any of that!! is such an ugly word. When
you say it slowly it sounds like something that tears
you, as a human, apart...not just a marriage. I am
staying away from guys right now. Maybe even until
I get out of high skwel! Besides it's not like
not having a boyfriend is going to kill me! But I am lonely.
And lonely people do stoopid stuff when someone does
pay attention to them. I know...maybe I will tell
about that some other day...but for now for everyone
who read this....don't deny that love exists. It does
...the thing that doesn't exists is a perfect love. You
have to make things work and you have to understand
that some things just aren't meant to be.

current mood: blah
current music: abandoned pools: "the remedy"

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Friday, December 26th, 2003
11:40 pm - Surprised, and Thinking Too Much....
Yesterday was really interesting. Well, for me. My
cousin from Georgia had came down, his name is Nick,
and we have never really gotten along. It's not that we
don't get along, it is just that we have never really tried to.
We are really different. Well, I decided to ask him if he
wanted to come with my friends and I to see a movie.
Considering the fact that it was Christmas............everyone
came to our house, for some strange reason, to get together.
He seem bored as much as I did. Poor guy. So yes, I asked
him if he wanted to come with us. We weren't going to see
anything that I thought he would find of much interest.
We ended up seeing Peter Pan. For being a kid movie I
found myself to smile at the so predictable jokes and
antics of this film. And shockingly so did my cousin! He
is 19 so knowing that he wasn't having such a bad time
made me smile and made me feel really good about asking
him to join us.
Back to the movie though. Something about the way the
movie was told made me connect it to an everyday relationship
problem. A guy likes a girl and all he wants from her is one
thing. You know what I mean. When he gets it he doesn't want
to make it into something more. A "real" relationship. Well,
in this movie Peter Pan really liked Wendy and wanted her.
Not in any kind of sexual way mind you. But he really did
just want her...I guess just to be there with him you could say.
When Wendy wanted him to like her he was scared. He knew
if he started to have these feelings of love then that meant
he had to grow up. And he didn't want that. See what I mean???
A guy likes girl, girl wants something more from guy, and guy
doesn't really want that.(relationship) I don't know...maybe it
is because I am lonely that I am thinking too much on this.
I see a connection though. If you see that movie let me
know if you see it as well.

current mood: contemplative
current music: Pulley: "same sick feeling"

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Thursday, December 25th, 2003
1:46 am - Happy Freakin' Holidays....
Once again it is that time of year. Where you see everyone who you've
known since you were 5. Where it calls for you to give hugs and kisses
uncontrollably. And even say hello to people that you have only met once
in your entire life! Yet somehow they seem to know you and how much
you have grown! Being that I am from a Hispanic family, we like to get
together for almost any occasion. Christmas is the best for us. Family
from all over gathers and we all say hello. Awkward conversations are
very frequent and not knowing what to say is an always. I love it!
Gifts are another story.
Every year I am perplexed on what to get my friends. I wish I was
rich. If I was then gift buying would be so easy. And money is tight.
I tried to get good gifts for my friends...and believe me...I tried....
but like I said money is tight. And it's not that easy to shop on a
budget. Especially when nowadays things can cost you an arm and
a leg! Possible even a soul!( in my case)
I went to my cousins house for I do every year.
Everyone seem to be happy and everyone was telling me how much
I have grown. And how beautiful I am ....When in reality they were
talking about me behind my back about how I am turning into a wild
child and how my parents should be more strict with me. Wow.....I
wish one of them would have had the balls to say some of that to my
face. What hypocrites, huh? I made it clear to them that I new what
was being said about me. I gave little sly remarks here and there,
but because it is the holidays....I took it easy....let them feel
guilty for being a-holes. Don't you just love that feeling of catching
someone in a trap? Well....hope your Christmas is going well.
Happy Holidays everyone!

current mood: amused
current music: Riddlin' Kids: "I feel fine"

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Tuesday, December 23rd, 2003
1:29 pm - I'm not Stoopid!!....
Well, everything has seem as if it has gone back to normal. My dad is being
really kwel with me. He told me that he loved me and that was a big deal
because he doesn't tell anyone.....not even my Mom he loves her.....well
unless someone says it first. My Mom still thinks I did nothing wrong. Bless
her little sweet soul.
Oh!!! You will never believe what my family (My aunt Bay,
cousin Denise, and aunt Lynie) are telling my Mom about me!!! They are telling
her to put me on birth-control!! What the hell is that!? I am only seventeen and I
am not sexually active. They seem to think that I am for some strange reason!
Reality if you dress sexy it doesn't mean you have to have sex.
Know what I mean? I am very mad at them right now. They don't even know me.
Two of them live in Georgia for crying out loud!!! And they haven't seen me in like
2 years! If I was going to have sex I think I would go to my Mom and
personally ask for birth control! I'm not stoopid. Besides with all the risks
involved I think I am going to be waiting for a long while. And I am not looking
for love so I am in good shape. Boyfriend...maybe. I know the truth and that is
all I need to get me by. Let them think whatever they want to think about me. I
am happy and that is the way it is going to stay. ;)

current mood: good
current music: Two Guy Trio : "Shelby Sugarcane"

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Sunday, December 21st, 2003
12:10 pm - Something to Remember...FOREVER!
What words could I write to describe what feeling I was feeling last night.
Even as they are being carried on into today (right now). I have disgraced
my family. Mostly my father who is seen as something in this town. If I
lived in Japan, considering those people take honor to whole 'nother level,
I would be looked as a piece of shit. My Mom is being pretty kwel about
the whole thing. She asked me if I was going to go hang out with my friends
and go shopping with them. I told her, "Mom I don't think I'll be able to go
anywhere for a while." She asked why? Here were her words.
"Linda, you didn't do anything wrong. These little things are what make up
life. Experiences, even the bad and awful ones, make you up to who you are
going to be. And I know that you are going to be something great. This was
just a lesson and I know you have learned it." I was in shock considering my
Mom is never this insightful. My dad was pretty kwel about it as well. Things
could have been a lot worse!
I could be in jail right now!!
That thought alone makes me what to break down.
Now let me explain the situation to you. I was throwing a party for my friend
Lydia. She came down from Austin and she wanted to see everyone that she
had not talk to in a while. Well, everything was going fine. People were having
a good time and even I was. I wasn't drinking though because I didn't
want my parents to be upset with me if they found out I had alcohol.
Lydia, Laura, Martha and myself didn't drink.
Also, let me tell you my neighbor hood isn't the best place for anything to go on.
That is what got us. One of my shit-hole neighbors called the cops. Oh man, did
they have a field-day! Under age drinkers is like a gold mine here in this little
town. Not only that, to make matters worse, the cops know my
father because he is on the City Council. Could I be screwed even harder!?
All this is going on and no one is here at my house...all of a sudden my brother
shows up! He is 32...and how he came in the nick of time is beyond me! Thank
the holy shit that he did. Now considering all that...don't you think my Mom is the
shit! She believes in me so much that now I am going to have to do something
with my life. I feel that it is my destiny to be something just for her. Let me tell
you that yes, I have learned my lesson and yes I will probably never go to or throw
another party as long I am under 21. Or out of this hell hole excuse for a town.

current mood: numb
current music: Mest : "Fuct Up Kid"

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