Hey guys, I'm gonna be changing my journal location. I just found this new place... It may lack some features, but it's pretty fun to use.

So change your links and bookmarks to my new blogspot.

That is, if I'm not the only person that actually bookmarks journals and stuff. ¬.¬;

Date:	2003-11-14 17:04
Subject:	What are you tryin' to say?!
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed
Music:	Utada Hikaru - Colours

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I loathe spammers. What the freakin' hell is this? Really, I ask you...

I hate bullsh!t mail like this. Seriously, do I really NEED multiple mails like this in my inbox every bloody day? You'd think that they'd get the picture after my opting out a bajillion times! I'm sure these mails flood inboxes on a global scale... Is the world really filled with guys crying out for more penis length? And how on earth is it "Doctor recommended"? What, are you telling me there's a doctor out there telling us our penises are too small?

"Oh, you suffer greatly from Tiny-Penis Syndrome! You simply must buy this penis patch! I highly recommend it! If you don't buy it, your love life will fail and your woman will leave you and aliens will invade the earth and HELP, HELP! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!"

I don't think a word exists that accurately describes just how much I despise this stuff. Actually, I just wish the guys who send this crap out would all be put in a big horror movie and hunted down one by one by a giant, ill-tempered, horny Alien.

With rabies.

Yeah, I'd pay to see that.

Date:	2003-11-14 12:04
Subject:	We're all sadistic...
Security:	Public
Mood:	hungry
Music:	The Corrs featuring Alejandro Sanz - Una Noche

What is it about characters in horror movies that makes them utter imbeciles?

I was taking a break, and Jason X happened to be on HBO. Horror movie buffs know that any proper horror movie needs a healthy dose of stupidity, without which no one would die.

But that said, sometimes there are just certain people that are just too stupid. They're the kind of characters that you'd think are simply just shoved in there to make you suddenly realize that you're actually capable of wishing a slow, painful death on someone.

"Oh, I hope that guy gets killed first..."

The worst part is that in many movies, the stupid people can last longer than the good, valiant ones. This could be due to the fact that stupidity comes in many forms. And those of you that have watched Jason X know exactly who I'm talking about. Admit it... how many of you grinned in a perverse bloodlust-induced manner when that scientist professor guy who wanted to "preserve Jason for scientific reasons" finally got his? And of course, there's that girl Kinsa. Sheesh, what a total bimbo.

Most horror movies nowadays try to insert a signature kill that people will remember, something that will be different from the usual knife-stab or decapitation. The kill that freaked me out the most in Jason X was the first person he killed, i.e. that doctor girl person who was trying to examine his "corpse". Having your face freezed and smashed to bits isn't exactly the most painless way to die. Of course, that still doesn't top the death of the first girl in Wrong Turn. I'll never look at barbed wire the same again.

Anyhoo, check this out. It's cute and disturbing at the same time...

Date:	2003-11-12 18:25
Subject:	Seething rage!
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy
Music:	Rurouni Kenshin OST - Fallen Angel

You represent... anger.
Mad at the world, eh? You have a tendency to...
freak out easily. Overly emotional about
everything, you're most prone to bouts of
cruelty and moodiness. Other people may be
afraid of the fact that you explode so easily,
but at least you're honest... even if you're
honest about not liking anything.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

Moi? Angry? Hehe I admit I've been pretty irritable lately... But the funny thing is that it depends on who I'm with. I find that when I worry about stuff or have a lot on my mind, irritability skyrockets!

Of course, more recently it's been because of exams. I'm tired out, and it's not over yet. I just realized that with my timetable, I won't have time to study everything for the paper on Southeast Asian History. I'll just have to do my best and hope that my Sociology paper doesn't end up too bad. I'm relying on at least 2 D's and right now, I'm not sure which subjects will give them to me.

All this b!tching would be moot if the education system was better. I mean, I spent a year at University, and I loved the system there. It took a whole lot of pressure off of our shoulders because 40% of the final grade came from coursework. Basically, the work and assignments we do throughout the course would add to our grade. I loved it because it made me feel as if all the studying done in class and doing homework actually had purpose, and it also meant that you didn't have to mash your brains into pulp studying for the finals.

Anyhoo, I've been wondering about stuff as usual. I've never been one to blaspheme, but why do people say "Jesus H. Christ"?

"JESUS H. CHRIST! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!"

Like, what on earth does the H stand for? I certainly don't know... But from my recent Google research attempts, I discovered that other people have wondered too.

Date:	2003-11-11 17:44
Subject:	Unimaginable relief!
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	The Darkness - I Believe In A Thing Called Love

I was recently reminded about what an uncle of mine said about Aspartame. I was just thinking... Is it actually harmful? Coz I've been eating Frisk for ages now. I collect the boxes and I have a whole lot stacked up. I don't exactly feel anything... although I probably wouldn't know till I actually do, right? I've pretty much given it up for now. I don't need memory loss during exams!

I seem to be talking about History a lot nowadays. I guess it's coz I've never studied so much for anything before, and I'm surprised at just how much crap I can shove into my brain...

The first paper is over, and I was right. I didn't get to use nearly as much information as I'd studied. Why does History work this way? You're forced to study bloody everything, and then they come out with questions that just simply mock you in saying, "Hah! Bet you didn't know you were gonna be asked this, huh?" Honestly, whoever sets the History papers is such a sadist. How the hell was I supposed to know I needed to be familiar with Lenin's Marxist policies in Russia?

I'd be pissed off if I wasn't so tired. It's not a total loss, I guess. I did manage to write 10 pages before the time was up.

If I'd known I'd be subject to this crap, I'd probably have taken something easy like Maths. Or something.

I dunno.

Date:	2003-11-11 12:18
Subject:	** Peace, man! **
Security:	Public
Mood:	high
Music:	Metallica - I Disappear

I hate cockroaches. I'm talking about the dirty, disgusting kind. The ones that live in dark dank corners of houses and freak you out coz you have no idea where they've been. Last night, I saw two of 'em scuttle into some cracks in my doorpost.

TWO! That means they can do the nasty and come up with more of them lil buggers! I need me some insecticide...

I've been watching The Original Kings of Comedy lately. Always cracks me up how funny black people are. Just the way they talk... Bernie Mac is especially funny, simply because he takes offensive material and presents it in such a way that people can relate to it. Ever wonder about how black people always seem to make fun of the difference between blacks and whites, but white people never do? Anyhoo, I needed the laughs to de-stress after all that History. My feet actually hurt, coz I spent four days pacing! I pace when I study coz it helps me think.

You know, I used to wonder what the difference between marijuana and cannabis is. Hash, weed, pot, hemp... apparently all these are more or less the same thing. And after a friend of mine (who's an avid marijuana smoker) told me that the reports about marijuana being bad for you are exaggerated, I was still kinda wary. But I did eventually believe her and was even willing to try it out if I ever got the chance.

I guess the inherent fear of it is because, like many others, I'd heard that it kills brain cells, which apparently it doesn't.

And you know what the best part is?

It can probably even cure brain damage.

Welcome to Hippyland!

Date:	2003-11-10 23:45
Subject:	FREEDOM!! For now...
Security:	Public
Mood:	mellow
Music:	Earth, Wind and Fire - Would You Mind

Yeah, I did it. No, not that!

Sicko.

I finished studying my European History. That's right... I've managed to slog through my 1-inch-high stack of papers in preparation for tomorrow's exam. The entire damn chronological list of events from 1789 to the 1920s, spanning the French Revolution, The Napoleonic Era, Italian and German Unification, and the sequence of events in agrarian Russian ending in the Bolshevik Revolution and Leninism. In order to complete all this crap, I'd been studying for the past four days from approximately 1p.m. - 6p.m. and 8p.m. to midnight, give or take. That's about 10 hours a day.

40 hours of nothing but History.

And right now, I'll slap anyone who even tries to tell me about how hard Singaporeans work.

I feel strangely better now. I just know that a lot of this information will not pose of much use to me in the long run, and all I want right now is to get at least a C in History. It sometimes doesn't seem fair that I study this much and might end up with anything less than a B grade. But that's the "bastard" factor of 'A' Level History.

As far as I know, it's possible to study your brains out and yet, if you lack the analytical power of a freakin' Cambridge professor, you probably won't get an A. But I could be wrong.

I hope.

On a lighter note, the journal's got a new look! I likes... Oh, and I've been actually getting visitors here and there. I wonder how people find these journals. And it got me thinking.

Most online journals end up being reduced to whinefests. They end up being just diaries and stuff where people can be idiotic and stupid and all teletubby-ish. Of course, there are others that are just normal journals where people talk about their lives. Others become forums for propaganda or humourous anecdotes addressed to anyone who'll listen. But one thing holds true.

Every single person out there who has an online journal is an attention whore.

C'mon, admit it. You love the fact that people are reading about your life. Sure, there's the "vent factor" where you dump your frustrations. There's the fact that you can log entries to be read later on. But the main reason is that you know people read your mental excretions. And for some reason, people are fascinated by reading about other people and the crap they go through.

I bet if this was a sex forum, we'd all be just a bunch of voyeurs and exhibitionists.

Date:	2003-11-09 00:17
Subject:	Phew.
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	Macy Gray - When I See You

History is tough.

Some of you are going, "He's only realizing that now?". Others are going, "Pffft! History? BORING!"

Hey, you don't hear me arguing. Although, it is interesting to some extent. Mind you, I didn't say it's mind-blowingly fun. It's just difficult. Why, you ask?

Eh? What's that? You didn't ask? Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway, since I just spent roughly 10 hours studying the French Revolution and I need to vent.

The hard part about A' Level History is not the material. The topics are fine... although I don't really give a damn about what happened centuries ago to some megalomaniacal guy who couldn't keep his grubby hands to himself and had to conquer everything in sight. It's the premise that I have to remember craploads of information. Heck, even that's not so bad because I used to do it as a kid.

No, it's the fact that I have to study all this crap and I just know they'll ask a question which will only require me to use a fraction of the stuff I studied. The other stuff will be for "background".

You see, History at this level is so hard because it's all about the analysis.

And the fact that some old bugger in the UK just wants to screw me over along with every other person taking History.

Date:	2003-11-07 23:55
Subject:	Priapism?
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined
Music:	Phillips, Craig & Dean - When God Ran

Mwahaha, funny word. Even funnier if you know its meaning.

Anyhoo, I'm about to go hit the sack. I've been revising European History for the past 7 hours or so in preparation for my History exam.

And I've only completed the first part.

I know... it's insane. It's so tiring, having to remember all these details in my head, but strangely enough, all these names and dates and events actually go in. All I'm hoping for is that they'll stay in there the more I read. And trust me, I have a whole lot more left to revise.

Oh well, we'll just have to see how it goes. For comic relief, I still love that Slackerz strip.

Heh.

Date:	2003-11-05 22:17
Subject:	School VS Work.
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored
Music:	David Crowder Band - I Need Words

I ask you: Which is better? At this point, I personally believe that work is infinitely better.

Why, you ask? Well, let's see...

Working people have no teachers to bug them. They get paid a steady salary (usually), and even if it's minimum wage, it's still money. When work ends, they usually get freedom in that they can usually forget about it till the next day. Oh yeah, you know what I mean.

Homework.

*Shudder*

Having to do homework sucks up time like nobody's business when we'd rather be doing other more fun things. And the funny thing is, that the more free time we have, the more homework the teacher gives, as if their subject is the only freakin' one we have.

On the other hand, students don't really have to do overtime... Heck, we actually get school holidays whereas workers gotta "take leave" and stuff, which doesn't always happen. And working people do have the scourge of bosses to contend with. And they can be fired!

Ah-hah, but I know something that students have to deal with that workers don't.

EXAMS!! Nothing's worse than exams, because you gotta study so hard for it. And just who the hell sets exams anyway? Do they just relish making the lives of thousands a living hell?

I refer you to this Slackerz comic-strip to explain exactly what I mean.

Hehe... "Why is Texas?"

Pure evil.

Date:	2003-11-05 12:53
Subject:	Quality television.
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay
Music:	Deborah Cox - Nobody's Supposed To Be Here

I was just watching Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, and was just wondering to myself who comes up with this stuff.

I mean, last night's episode was about a serial killer who had a massive inferiority complex and sexually abused people before murdering them because he wanted to prove his masculinity or superiority or something. There was one crime scene where he had forced 2 guys to rape 2 gals, and then, get this: he made the guys sodomize each other. Apparently to humiliate them.

I know. I had the same reaction. That is, if you grimaced and went, "Freakin' hell..."

Upon browsing the NBC L&O:SVU website, I found that they actually work with real-life organizations to devise these episodes. That means things like these actually happen more often than we realize.

Which means people are sick.

Oh joy.

Date:	2003-11-04 12:58
Subject:	Oh, the insanity...
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	Various Artists - What's Going On?

Episcopal Church consecrates its first openly gay bishop

DURHAM, New Hampshire (AFP) - The US Episcopal Church consecrated its first openly gay bishop, overriding objections from dissenting clergy and laying bare deep divisions among the Anglican faith's 70 million adherents worldwide.

The spiritual leaders of 50 million Anglicans in the developing world immediately rejected the move and declared that it was siding with conservatives in the US church who opposed the consecration.

Around 4,000 people, including 55 US Episcopalian bishops, attended the three-hour ceremony Sunday afternoon amid tight security at a sports arena in the small New Hampshire university town of Durham. Most were supporters of 56-year-old Gene Robinson, a divorced father of two, who becomes the first bishop of a major Christian denomination to openly live with a same-sex partner.

"I have to take a moment to say to you how much this means to me," an emotional Robinson, his voice catching, told the congregation after receiving his vestments from family members and his live-in partner.

"But, it's not about me," he said. "It's about so many other people who find themselves at the margin. Your presence here is a welcome sign for them to come into the center."

For the past few months, Robinson has come under intense pressure to refuse the nomination of his New Hampshire diocese, with Anglican leaders warning that his consecration would "tear the fabric" of the church. So vehement was some of the opposition to the idea of an openly sexually active gay bishop that Robinson had to be given police protection after he received numerous death threats.

In a statement issued in Britain after the ceremony, Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, spiritual leader of the Anglican church worldwide, expressed "deep regret" over divisions within the church caused by Robinson’s consecration. These divisions "will be all too visible in the fact that it will not be possible for Gene Robinson’s ministry as a bishop to be accepted in every province in the communion," Williams warned.

The Right Reverend Peter Akinola, Archbishop of Abuja and leader of Nigeria’s 17 million-strong Anglican community, condemned the appointment on behalf of his counterparts in Africa, Latin America and Asia.

"A state of impaired communion now exists" between the US Episcopal Church and most other provinces within the Anglican Communion, said Akinola, whose Global South group represents some 50 million Anglicans in the developing world.

The Anglican church in Kenya served notice that it will officially sever ties with its US counterpart while the church in Uganda also announced it would break off from the New Hampshire diocese.

During the New Hampshire ceremony, two clerics voiced objections arguing that Robinson's ministry will not be recognized in the world. The primate of the US Episcopal Church, Frank Griswold, who presided over the ceremony, acknowledged the objections but said they would not prevent the consecration from going ahead.

The main voice of support for Robinson came in a keynote speech from the outgoing bishop of New Hampshire, Douglas Theuner.

"Because of who you are, Gene, you will stand as a symbol of unity of the church in a way in which none of the rest of us can," Theuner said to loud applause. "Your very presence in the Episcopate, will bring into our fellowship the presence of an entire group of Christians hitherto unacknowledged."

Outside the arena, some protestors carried placards with the slogan "God Hates Fags", while a number of Episcopal churches in the area held alternative services for those opposed to the consecration. Mounted police were deployed to keep apart Robinson's supporters and detractors, while those entering the arena had to pass through metal detectors and have their bags checked by sniffer dogs."

When I read this, I was just shaking my head. How can this be happening??

Just... just... just how?!

I mean, if you've read my previous posts, you'll know that I have nothing against homosexuals. I evenly acknowledge the fact that there are Christians who are gay. But I also stressed that I do not condone or accept that their actions are "OK" or fine or excusable.

But this is just wrong. I mean, if he was secretly gay and was trying to deny his own sinful desires whilst trying to serve, it'd still be hard to accept him as a bishop. To have a bishop who is gay is a stretch beyond what many could imagine or accept, but an openly gay bishop who is SEXUALLY ACTIVE?

To say that this will bring about a rift in the Anglican church is an understatement. How can 55 (Read: FIFTY-FIVE!) US bishops accept this? How can they participate? And how can anyone, let alone a bishop, say that a gay bishop will "stand as a symbol of unity of the church" when all it's doing is destroying it?

On the other hand, the extremist detractors aren't exactly God's messengers. The Bible never said that God hates homosexuals. But it does say that He hates homosexuality.

There's a big difference.

God loves everyone, but He hates sin. In the same way, He hates homosexuality but not the person afflicted with it. Therefore, those people are essentially saying, "I Hate Fags" and it is more of a personal vendetta against homosexuals, under the guise of religion.

And to anyone who is for gay rights and supports Bishop Robinson: If you're not a Christian, you probably won't understand just how wrong it is. No matter how much you want to believe Douglas Theuner's statement, you must understand that he is deluded. If you are a Christian, read the Bible more and remember that God does not compromise.

I could say that I believe this to be the Devil's work and his influence has even permeated the ranks within the Church. He has infiltrated into our Body, and is spreading disease and disunity. And to make matters worse, thousands of people (bishops included) are compromising their faith and beliefs, thinking that it's OK. It's exactly what the Devil wants them to think.

You can scoff. Laugh if you want.

Satan laughs too.

Date:	2003-10-30 23:04
Subject:	I hate studying...
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	Jean Louisa Kelly - Someone To Watch Over Me

I really do.

Right now it's pissing me off because I don't want to, and yet my mind is screaming at me, "STUDY! STUDY, you worthless lout!! Do you want to flunk your damn exams?! Perhaps the biggest exams of your life?!"

I know. I should be hittting the books. But dear gawd, the books suck so much.

If the Rapture were to come now and take everyone away, it'd be such sweet bliss because then exams and studying would take a backseat. Yes, I know it's a selfish and stupid reason to want the Rapture, but I do so hate studying.

But I want to pass even more. I need at least 2 D's to get into this university (I know... kinda low standard huh?) but I so wanna get B's and stuff. I doubt I can manage A's...

I'm kinda worried about my exams, but at the same time, a part of me is thinking, "Damn, I'm a smart person! I don't need to be stressed out! All I have to do is plan my study schedule and everything will be fine. I just have to pray, have faith, and discipline myself!"

Prayer and faith are fine. It's the discipline that's hard. I just can't bring myself to sit there and read and read and read over and over again. Which is why I sometimes end up studying a few days before the exam when the panic forces me to.

I think this all stems from over-confidence and the fact that I could study a little bit and do fine. Nowadays, the subjects demand more reading and comprehension, and my mindset is just not geared to it.

I just wanna shout and rally up some educational anarchy...

Date:	2003-10-25 20:31
Subject:	I'm needy...
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed
Music:	Paula Cole - Feeling Love

Bleah.

Yes, I'm needy. I want to be around my friends all the time, and when I'm not, it irritates me. So much so that my mood changes almost entirely.

And right now, I'm annoyed with the 2 people that I consider to be my closest friends. Or maybe I should say I'm annoyed at the fact that I'm not spending time with them. I'm mad at the fact that we don't share more similar interests.

And most of all, I'm angry at the fact that I am angry.

Why am I mad? I shouldn't be! I have no reason to be... All they did was go watch basketball without me, and only because I had other responsibilities. But on the other hand, they didn't even say goodbye to me or say where they were going. But it doesn't bother me... I'd like to think I'm beyond petty things like that. But then again, I'm mentioning it here, aren't I? Maybe the truth is that I simply want to believe that it doesn't bother me...

When I really think about it, the fact is that I feel they are my closest friends. But there's nothing to say that they feel the same way about me. I mean, maybe my gauge for how good a friend someone is differs from theirs, and granted, I'm pretty sure there are certain things I focus on that border on the inane. But then again, I somehow feel I'm not too far off the mark.

I guess I'm just angry coz I have no close friends. Sure, I have a lot of friends but no one so close, you know? And I'm someone who needs company and friendship. The funny thing is that I think my needy personality drives people away. That, and my paranoia. And the fact that the closer I get to someone, the worse that paranoia gets...

And to make matters worse, my mom won't let me drive! I got into an accident the other day, and it wasn't even my fault! Everyone saw that, even my mom. And her reason is that "she doesn't want anyone to hit me again". I mean, come on...

Yes, this may be pathetic. I may be whining. But heck, I like being tragic. It makes me feel that maybe I'm not the jerk. It makes me feel that maybe I'm the one that's OK and that everyone else is a bastard. Of course, that delusion never lasts long, and I'm left in my own hate and self-pity.

Thankfully, that phase never lasts really long either. And shucks, I really wanna change. I don't want to be paranoid and melodramatic and overly-sensitive. I wanna be a normal guy that is cool with his friends and not needy or desperate, coz then I'll be happier and not be a candidate for the poster boy for the manic-depressive.

Or maybe I just need some Prozac.

Date:	2003-10-14 22:06
Subject:	Idiocy is fun!
Security:	Public
Mood:	cold
Music:	Chingy - Right Thur

Not.

What is it about people that get on your nerves so bad you just want to reach through the fabric of time and space and throttle their neanderthal ancestors?

I mean, seriously! Have you ever met someone who says the most inane things ever that it leaves you wondering just how much in-breeding their genes were borne from? Either that or they sound like some British retard wannabe...

"Bleeeoooooeeeaarrgh! I are so cool, what!!!!! I hail from bonnie seas and rocks is my frens! Rocks is fun, yes yes! Har har I so funny with the jokes and the rocks. Yes, funny!"

The worst part about it is that they don't realize just how freakin' annoying their idiocy is. They drive you up the wall until you go through the damn ceiling. Heck, you're so high up you're watching rats hump in the rafters. That reminds me, I gotta watch Bad Boys 2...

In any case, nothing really works. They don't understand subtle hints. Ignoring them is impossible coz they just keep yakking and their vocal emissions seem to permeate every inch of your mind and drive you to wonder WHY? WHY?! WHEN WILL THE PAIN STOP??!! OH, SWEET MOTHER OF GANDHI!

But maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just being an irritable jerk and I'm PMS-ing or something. No, wait a minute... That can't be it coz I'm NOT A WOMAN!

*Looks in pants*

Nope, definitely not a woman. If I was, I'd probably spend the entire day sitting in front of the mirror touching myself.

"Ooh, I didn't know boobs go 'GOOSH'!"

But I'm losing my point here. As I was saying, maybe it's just me and I'm just going through an irritable spell or something? These people are probably nice guys and I'm just not seeing that, right?

Naw, it's definitely them. They need more obvious hints. Like, maybe rocks to the head. Or a cattleprod! Yeah, that'd be good. With the electricity. And the shocking.

Ooh, the shocking...

Date:	2003-10-01 15:58
Subject:	Happy and gay?
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	United Live - God Of All Creation

My friends and I got to talking today, and for some reason, we broached the topic of homosexuality.

Why is it that just because someone has a alternative sexual orientation people get freaked and treat them like they've got Ebola or something? I find it extremely comical how homophobic some people can be.

Guy 1: "Hi! How's things, dude?"

Guy 2: "I have something to tell you... I'm gay. What does this mean for our friendship?"

Guy 1: "DONT TOUCH ME!"

Guy 2: "But... but..."

Guy 1: "RUN AWAY!!"

I'm not one to condone homosexuality. I think it's wrong and a total sin. People who call it "natural" (or any other synonym akin to this) are just deluding themselves. If God meant for homosexuality as a natural thing, He'd have created Adam and Steve, or Amanda and Eve.

He created Man and Woman, Adam and Eve, and told them to go forth and procreate. That's how it's meant to be. If He wanted homosexuality to be a variable for us, He'd have created Adam, Steve, Amanda and Eve, and then would have told them to go forth and experiment.

But don't get me wrong. I may be against homosexuality, but I don't harbour any ill-will toward people who happen to be gay. I mean, I have gay friends, and they're totally cool people.

And I heartily scoff at people who claim homosexuality to be a "choice".

"Sheesh, gays makes me sick. Why would anyone choose to be like that?"

That kinda statement makes me want to give whoever says it a hearty slap upside the head. This is because I hear so many gay people say that they can't help the way they are. But then again, they also say that they're born like that, which I also think is absolute rubbish. On a purely psychological "Nature VS Nurture" basis, I'm a firm believer in environmental factors. I believe that gay people are like that because of certain things and events and what not that they experienced whilst growing up.

I mean, dressing up your little boy in girl's clothes can't exactly be good...

Anyhoo, like I was saying... It is not a choice, nor is it genetic. I defy anyone who says otherwise. Gays have so many problems in every aspect of society, including employment, marriage or children. No one in their right mind would choose to be in a sexual minority so widely hated and feared and shunned by the majority of people around the world. And I challenge anyone to show me a gene or chromosome that makes people gay. Come on, I dare ya!!

Heck, I have gay friends who are unhappy with themselves. They long for normal lives, but they cannot help their attraction to members of the same sex. They pray so hard that God will heal them and break these chains of sexual bondage.

Yes, you heard me right. They pray.

Contrary to popular belief, there are many Christians around the world that struggle and suffer with the problem of homosexuality. Chances are that there are people you know who are Christians that suffer from it. The bigger the congregation in your church, the higher the chances that this is true.

Shocking huh? It's hard to imagine that a Christian could be gay. But I actually know people like this. They love Jesus, and try so hard to serve Him. They're vibrant Christians and live their lives as best they can according to the Word of God. But they suffer from this problem, not knowing how to fix it. They live day in, day out, waiting faithfully for the day that God will come through for them and save them from it.

I have no doubt that God will keep His promises, and that these faithful people will one day feel His touch and be healed. But I sometimes wonder... Why hasn't God already done this? Why does He let them continue to struggle through their temptations and confusion and pain?

I believe it's because it's all in His perfect plan. Not that God made them gay... but I believe He is using them, even in their iniquities, to fulfill His plans. Their lives and their experiences shape their personalities and characters, and I'm sure they would not be who they are today if they were not suffering from this problem.

Because that's what homosexuality is... Nothing more than a problem. And when we have a problem, we are forced to try and fix it, or compensate in another area. As such, problems build character and makes us better people... We learn from our mistakes, whether those mistakes are resolved or not. I know Christians who have learnt to be empathetic or kinder or great with kids simply because having this problem has forced them to be so, or given them qualities that normal people don't have.

I don't intend to encourage people who are homosexuals to continue being the way they are. Nor do I pretend to have the power to change who they are. But I truly believe that God has plans for everyone, even them. And if they submit to His love and His will, and trust that in all things He works for their good because they love Him, He will use them in ways they wouldn't be able to imagine.

And for all you skeptic sacrilegious jokers out there, I mean that in a strictly non-sexual sense.

Date:	2003-08-01 01:10
Subject:	Thoughts.
Security:	Public
Mood:	pensive
Music:	Daniel Beddingfield - Never Gonna Leave Your Side

Thought 1:
How do you handle being rebuffed when you make your best attempts at reconciling a broken relationship?

If we’ve lived and loved long enough, we all know the pain of a broken relationship. We also know the joy of reconciliation when that relationship is mended. Unfortunately, loving someone well and trying to reconcile with them provides no guarantee they will welcome restoration. When someone refuses to reconcile a broken relationship, frustration, pain, and self-doubts can grow. The desire to find a way to restore the broken relationship that works intensifies.

Sadly, there is no guaranteed procedure that we can follow to assure restoration of a broken relationship. Sometimes, all we can do is grieve the loss of that relationship.

One of the most frightening truths that we all must face is the fact that we cannot force someone to love us, no matter what we do. Even if we take appropriate responsibility for harm we’ve done to them, confess our sin against them, and ask for forgiveness, there is no assurance they will respond in kind. They can choose to remain distant.

While an unresolved relationship is deeply disturbing, one of the most freeing truths is that no one has the power to stop us from loving them.

We all wish there was a "next step" that would make reconciliation work out every time. Sadly, there is no such step.

We need to guard against a false guilt that assumes we should be able to do something to "fix" every relationship—as if it all depends on us alone. While we must take responsibility for our part in a relationship, we must not assume that we are solely responsible for the breach in the relationship. Instead of holding another person responsible for their choices, we can tend to let people off the hook and blame ourselves for "not doing enough" or "missing something" that would be the key to unlocking the relationship. That kind of thinking is not only demoralizing but controlling.

I've been through this so much, and I came to realize that it wasn't "all my fault". I learnt to forgive myself, as well as those who rejected me even though I tried so hard to make things work. Life began to make more sense, and so did my relationships with people.


Thought 2:
I think my unconscious mind is driven most by resistance.

I approach the world with my guard intact because unconsciously, and perhaps consciously, I want to maintain an element of control in my relationships with people. I tend to hold my private experiences just out of reach of others. I'm not one to immediately show all my cards, to let people into who I really am until I'm ready.

Unfortunately, that sometimes means I also hide things from myself. I sometimes find that my desire to remain guarded backfires, affecting my self-awareness.

Why am I like this?

It's possible that I act in this manner because of a deeply-rooted fear of being exposed, or of truly expressing myself. To protect myself from this fear, I act in the opposite manner — I am guarded.

There is a certain respect that comes with resistance, an unconscious understanding that the human psyche is very vulnerable. We all feel we have a lot to hide, and I've never been one to be intrusive or thoughtless about how I approach sensitive topics with others. Therefore I take pride in the fact that I can inspire a sense of safety in others when they are around me.

Date:	2003-07-17 23:05
Subject:	Love...
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	My Sassy Girl OST - I Believe

I need it. I need it so much. The people I love are the reason I get up in the mornings. I'm at a point where I can't imagine what it'd be like without them... It scares me so much to know that they will leave someday.

My emotional attachments to them are so strong... I love them so much. A number of them have become more than brothers to me. I think the term is "soul ties". I think I have become unable to say goodbye. When they do leave, I think it'll affect me in a big way. Just thinking about how we will go our separate ways... it breaks my heart.

I have a photo of my little-brother-I-never-had and me. I'm giving him a piggyback ride and we're both grinning at the camera. It tugs a heartstring everytime I look at it because I love the little guy so much. He's 17 this year, but I still love him like he's my bratty little brother.

I guess all this has been born from the fact that I crave love. I crave it with all my being, so entirely that I receive any iota of affection eagerly and dote and dwell on it for as long as it fulfills my void.

Date:	2003-05-14 00:20
Subject:	Green beans and tadpoles.
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy
Music:	Delta Goodrem - Born To Try

So, it seems I actually have a regular visitor to my journal. Only problem is, the notes are always anonymous... Well, hi to whoever it is that keeps coming back hehe.

Has anyone actually heard of that rumour going around that says there was this baby in Kuching or some such place and that minutes after it was born, it spoke, telling people to eat green bean soup to prevent against contracting SARS. It supposedly died soon after. It was being sent around by SMS, and I actually got one.

From what I hear and read in newspapers, people actually flock to buy these beans and make some kinda insipid soup. Needless to say, prices skyrocketed.

And if I'm not mistaken, the majority of the people here who believed that little blurb of idiocy are Chinese. Pathetic, isn't it? I dunno, I just have little tolerance for superstition and even less patience for the people who believe in them. I'm the kinda guy that'd sooner walk under a ladder just to prove a point, you know?

Superstitions... Bah! Pish-posh!!

*Shakes walking-stick*

Anyhoo, today in class we were talking about something, and the subject of age came up. I mentioned that I was 20, and I don't know why, but for the life of me, I suddenly felt old. I've been on this earth for 20 years... It sounds like such a long time. And by the time this year is over, I'll be 21... a legal adult. But I take pride in the fact that I'm a big kid. Heck, I profess to be 20 going on 16. And I enjoy it.

I remember the years that have passed, and how I've grown physically, mentally, and emotionally. It's come to a point where I realize that one significant character trait is my maturity.

Or lack thereof.

I remember the days when childhood meant running around in the yard exploring things you've never seen before... the days when moss and fungus and toadstools were oddities to examine endlessly... the days when staring at a puddle and prodding around in its mud was the ideal kind of fun. Of course, to have puddles, it'd have to rain, and God knows how fascinating rainstorms were. I could stand out on the balcony and stare for ages at the falling raindrops, how they'd sprint to the ground and splash into the concrete, or on the million blades of brilliantly green grass. And if the rainstorm was especially heavy, we'd get to see miniature rivers form, and watch the mini-rapids gush down the drains, flowing over stones and sticks and what have you. But the rain had to stop sometime.

And that's when the frogs came out.

Strange animals, frogs. At least, the ones where I lived were. They weren't the generic Discovery Channel kind that emit that deep low croaking. These went "Wok! Wok!" in a high-pitched sort of tone.

I kid you not.

Rainstorms brought fresh puddles and a new influx of frogs, which meant only one thing. Tadpoles. They were our makeshift pets that lived one day and died the next. I remember there was this large rain-jar in the backyard, that served no other purpose (that I could see) than to collect rainwater. It just sat there for years. Anyway, I recall one time seeing a whole sh!tload of tadpoles in that jar. Needless to say, having your own little plethora of frogspawn at the age of 10 was akin to striking gold.

Slimy, icky, gold with tails.

But I digress. My point is that most kids nowadays lack an active childhood. It may be an unfair generalization, but don't most kids spend more time indoors than out? Playstations, XBoxes, Gamecubes, PCs, Cable, Internet, DVDs, etc. Need I say more?

So now instead of growing up in sunshine, dirt and fresh air, and playing with helpless amphibians, we've been reduced to a virtual childhood where youths experience a virtual world filled with fantastical violence and sexual innuendo. No more tadpoles for kids. They've got something else. Something that won't get their hands dirty!

"Hey Tommy! Wanna come over and play with my Seaman?"

Oy vey.

Date:	2003-05-12 20:35
Subject:	Ooh... replies!
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored
Music:	Louis Armstrong - You Rascal You

Strangely enough, my last 2 posts have been getting replies. Not that it bothers me if I don't get any at all. Heck, I've been posting since last November and those previous posts have had no replies. But yeah, posting here is just fun for me. What can I say?

I'm an attention-whore!

I've tried keeping journals before, but they never lasted. This online one is the longest yet! I guess I just need an audience hehe. Posting can be therapeutic, but that's just a bonus. I mostly post just for the heck of it. It's actually pretty fun, especially when I have something to say.

Oh, and here's an update on my situation in school. I just realised that the dumbasses in school annoy me, not because of anything I do or feel... They're just juvenile and immature.

Seriously.

I mean, today I had a test which I studied hard for, and the whole time they were cracking asinine jokes and making stupid remarks. But then again, to a certain extent, it is me. I think they're idiots when I myself laugh at their moronic jokes from time to time and even join in! And I'm the one being a jerk by judging them.

But that said, although my own pride and arrogance does play a part, the fact remains that those people can be total imbeciles. But hell, what can I say?

It's funny!