Blurty for Without You...my Heart is BROKEN. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.

Sunday, April 8th, 2007

Subject: Ugh! Time: 6:27 pm. Mood: irritated. Music: Jack Johnson.

I don't quite understand Jealousy. I get it. I just don't understand why it has to happen. I don't understand why girls have to throw themselves all over boys. And I don't get how boys can assume that you want sex. I don't think that good nice clean humble girls just give off the " please stick your hands down my pants" signal. Kinda crazy. Now other girls, such as highschool sluts who go on an all guys camping trip knowing she's the only girl give off those signals because they are too ugly to get a decent guy. So they wait until they have just gotten out of a relationship and get them really drunk and make out with them. Thinking hey they like me. Yeah right Bitch! Shut you're fucking cunt ass up. Be a Goddamn lady and close your legs. And take you nasty bitch-whore self to the street where you belong. I really really really hate stupid people. Goddamn if I knew i sent off the I'm easy signal I would have appologized. Hmmm but I don't recall watching a movie a signal for sex. Whatever. I don't get the world. I don't understand one bit of it. I am just one of the stupid people I hate, I suppose. If I was really crazy, and I mean like really crazy, I would totally make a hit list and stick Two people for sure on it. But seeing as how I'm not that kind of person I can just wish a piano would fall on them. UGH!!!! All My Sons is almost over. School's almost over. Ethan's almost gone. I don't have a place to live in 2 months. WHERE'D ALL THE GOOD PEOPLE GO??????!!!!!!

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Subject: Suicide Blonde Time: 12:58 am. Mood: awake.

"I've given alot of thought to those night we used to have. The days have come and gone. Our lives went by so fast. I faintly remember breathing, on your bedroom floor, where I layed and told you but you sweared you love me more" 1:08 and the sleeping pills have yet to kick in. With all the drugs in the world, you still stay up late thinking about the one thing you hate. YOU. Maybe a late night walk will do. I need a smoke.

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Subject: Hardcore for a boy-core Time: 1:03 pm. Mood: chipper. Music: Noise from the Matrix Video Game.

YAY!!!! I love my life!!!! ...And that's all you need to know

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Subject: Choking on a Memory, that wasn't that good to begin with Time: 12:27 pm. Mood: crazy. Music: Underoath.

Is it better to Pretend your okay, and die? or Is is better to let it show and have nothing get better? I'm not stupid. I know you can hear me.

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Subject: Crushes?.... Time: 9:40 am. Mood: confused.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I'm just not any fun to be around, I'm constantly complaining and jeez, I feel like I'm losing everything. I don't want to be a jealous girlfriend but I am, and I know that's not fair. I just feel like I'm pushing Tyler away. We talked about it all last night but I guess it wasn't enough, I mean...I don't know what I mean. I think I'm just hurting myself. I never want to say anything cause I don't want him to get fed up with me and leave. I'd rather feel the way I do now then have him gone. It's like ...Everyone is out having fun either cause they live in conway, or they go to highschool and I'm just massive stuck. I know I shouldn't read into things BUT I do, and I just saw a post on the bullentin on myspace, it was a survey that tyler took and it asked him if he had a crush, and he put crushes. So what am I supposed to do. The only one I really hang out with is Lauren and she's working all the time or seeing Lonnie, but she is there for me. I don't really hang with that many people hear, cause they're all eating lunch when I'm here and I can't afford to eat lunch anymore, but I don't want to just sit in my car and cry. I just wish I knew what I was doing. Last night tyler said he was sorry for not calling me and if it seemed like he didn't want to hang out, but i don't know. I think I expect to much and make things worse for myself. I'm just slowly slipping away, I just dont want to be here anymore. I'm sick of crying too. I've cried so much lately it's unreal, and I don't know why. I never did this before, even if I was massively down. AHHHH I just wish someone was here to listen and tell me everything is going to be fine. Just anyone. But I don't want to be lied to. Jeez...what's wrong with me? I love tyler so much that thinking like this kills me. So why do I? I shouldn't. I'm so stupid and confused.

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Subject: Did you know I miss you... Time: 8:36 am. Mood: awake. Music: Konstantine - Something Corporate.

So last night I took Tyler to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was fun. I enjoyed it! ...Course things had to go down hill...and my dad came home! All he did was yell and scream til about 12:30. Apparently " There is No God" and " Catholics are so fucking perfect". Pretty neat. I'm supposed to pray for him, which is fine. I don't have a problem with that, I just really don't want to hear them fight. I've lived with it forever so it doesn't bother me. But I just brings everything down. This is exactly what I need. To add more to the load of school, work, and everything else. I can handle it. It's just lately I've been trying to numb myself. I'm so scared that somethings gonna happen..and iono. I'm terrified of starting school...but not the actual starting it, going there is fine. But it's being away...I'm constantly away out trying to make ends meet. I scare myself sick that something will happen and I'm gonna lose the best thing that's ever happened to me. I hate feeling this way, because I know I shouldn't....I should confide in this journal either, it's just so damn hard to bring up without me sounding crazy. I was listening to Konstantine in the car this morning and iono. " There is hope in me that I could take you there, but damnit your so young...well I don't think I care" I'll get through this, it's just me being stupid. But the one thing I can rely on is tyler. O boy am I glad that I found him. es

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Subject: Someday, maybe, I'll get to where I'm going Time: 10:10 am. Mood: melancholy. Music: Nothing Gets Crossed Out - Bright Eyes.

The future has got me worried, such awful thoughts. My head is a carousel of pictures. The spinning never stops. I just want someone to walk in front and I'll follow the leader. Like when I fell under the weight of a schoolboy crush. Started carrying her books and doing lots of drugs. I almost forgot who I was, but came to my senses. Now I'm tryin' to be assertive. I'm making plans. Wanna rise to the occasion, yeah meet all of their demands. But all I do is just lay in bed and hide under the covers. I know I should be brave but I'm just too afraid of all this change. And it's too hard to focus through all this doubt. I keep making these "To Do" lists but nothing gets crossed out. So I'm freaking out. About school, about my job, about my life. I didn't expect this to be so hard. Everyones about to move out and I'm stuck. Everyones excited about college, and I really wish I was. I don't wanna go. I don't wanna pay for it. It's so fucking hard to figure out how to do everything. I wish I could make enough money to move out...I don't wanna be home with the situation. It's harder than I thought. I thought it would be wonderful, but now I'm not so sure. I wish I didn't confide in this online journal. I wish I was more open with everything, or at least be able to talk about it. But I don't wanna break down. I'm so scared of myself. I make things worse than they are. I just wish I could get it all figured out. And school is starting soon and I'm trying to make time for everyone. I'm afraid I'm losing time. I've been growing up all my life..having to act older than I am because of things at home. Now ...Im so lost and terrified. I don't want to grow up. But it's like I can't hold on. Everythings about to start and it's supposed to be the "Time of My Life"...I'm soo nervous and scared of so many things. It's got a hold on me and it's like I can't breathe. And I fucking hate my job...sooo much. I don't think anyone gets it. Yeah and Maybe I'm being a crybaby. I just hate it here so much. I really do feel like I'm wasting away. But I'll get over it. It's this weighing heavy on my heart stuff that'll take time. And the one person I want to talk to I can't, cause their not here. I always feel like I'm just dumping my problems on him. It'll get better. erica

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Subject: Today is the day... Time: 10:40 am. Mood: ecstatic. Music: Lovedrug- Blackout.

Part Expert Kisser You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable Part Passionate Kisser For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble What Kind of Kisser Are You? The Keys to Your Heart You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. Your ideal relationship is traditional. Without saying anything, both of you communicate with your hearts. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered. What Are The Keys To Your Heart? Just trying to pass the time until I get to see that wonderful boy of mine! Tonight...it's gonna rock pretty hardcore!

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Subject: New stuff never gets old Time: 12:48 pm. Mood: chipper. Music: Music in my head.

This is so bitter sweet! I maybe the only one who still has this thing. I can't let it go....haha Oh well...I'm about to go to the post office..Yippee! Dispite work sucking...right now I'm really HAPPY!!! SO I guess that balances out pretty well! Oh the good blurty haha

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Subject: English Time: 2:23 pm. Mood: crushed.

This New Year....kinda...blows. I'm still pathetic, I'm still lonely, I'm still crying because I'm lonely. I'm the dumbest girl. I'm burning inside for something more, something new, or old, just anything. I want my heart to be broken more than it is, just so I can feel like I'm am wanted. I have no sense of belonging. I'm so pathetic that I can't even write poetry. Oh well, I'm trying. I'm trying to see past everything and be happy, but I want something. I don't feel like I belong anymore. Not in Forensics, not with my group, not anywhere. Hmmm.... Oh well. ERICA

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Subject: Sad Sorry Letter that you should have never recieved Time: 2:46 am. Mood: lonely. Music: From First to Last - " Secrets don't make friends".

It's been a month without updating cause my stupid computer got sick so we lost everything. But we're "supposed" to be getting cable internet, but chances are I'll be gone by the time that happens. Things are going a tad bit better at the home. Dad stays gone alot, so he and Mom don't fight that much, and I don't get bitched at for college stuff. I am just so ready for everything to be over with. But I don't want to leave. Oh, well Katie got this DVD of Friends and so we've been watching it because we have no lives....and it's weird because all I can think about is spring break. ANd last year and how everything is so different now. I'm not sure what's happening. It's almost kinda painful to watch those episodes. All this stuff about the past has just come up, and I'm thinking about it all for random reasons. I'm remembering the fling with Stephen and dating Tyler and just everything. HOw Leeann and I used to be bestfriends. Tomorrow is New Years and I don't have One single plan. I'm staying home. Lauren's out of town and the only party I got invited to was at a church..... it's just things are sooooooooo different now. I guess I'm just sick of being shut down, and not good enough. I'm sick of being lonely. I haven't told anyone, so I'm spilling my heart out in this journal....pathetic. It's just, iono, maybe I still have feelings for people, you know? I don't want to think that just because I'm lonely that I need someone, but that might be it. Iono , how else could you explain it? UGH! I hate that everything happens the way it does. You know, I get shut down this year because a guy won't commit...I've been broken hearted for as long as I can remember.....and I'm over it, until now.....I'm just really pathetic and sad. Well there's my pity party.... erica

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Subject: long time no see Time: 9:53 am. Mood: amused. Music: Where is my mind- The PIXIES.

I haven't updated in a while...so here's whats been going down. I got the part of Aunt Em in THE WIZ. ANd yes initially I was upset about it because it's a small role but now I realize it's not so bad, and yes I mean, I could have worse. So now it's all cool. ERmmm, I have a term paper due in 2 weeks, which I am really far behind on. I have a ton of math make-up work I have yet to do. But Ohhh Last wednesday Jordyn,Keith,Hardy,Mobbs,Jess B, J Gray and myself went and hung out after finding out what parts we got in the show. We went to the mall and got our picture made with santa and then we met PJ and Adam at the dollar movie and we saw Resident Evil 2. It was DUMB. anywoot....iono what to say... if you miss me, then your not the only one.....i miss myself too. es

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Subject: Hmmm Time: 9:05 am. Mood: amused.

Everyones so ticked off about our new president. And I find the whole thing Hilarious. I won my first Trophey at Central this past weekend. YAY. ERmmm what else...Iono. Bone Chiller kicked ass and I miss it soooooooooooo very much. Tears...I'm really gonna miss all this when this is gone. I'm putting in my application to live in Germany next week. And if I get it I think I am really going to go. es

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Subject: the trouble is finding a way out Time: 11:13 am. Mood: disappointed.

My computer is freaking out, so I can't update as much as I used to. Lots are going on in my life. People hate me, I make bad decisions but you know what ooooo well. I can't make myself happy,much less make others happy. I'm stressed and confused, and I just wanna runaway. Hmmm... anywoot. I'm out, German is about to start. es Life would be easier if I just walked away.

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Subject: I wish I could tell you .....everything Time: 7:20 pm. Mood: apathetic. Music: California-Phanom Planet.

Mac's North Tourney was today. It was really good. I was tired and my TOE hurt, but all in all good. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NEWS ON THE TOE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He didn't take it out yesterday. He wants me to keep soaking it and bandaging it, and pushing back the skin to see if it'll come up. AHHHHH. It hurts soooo bad. I'm scheduled for TOE surgery MONDAY at 11:30. AHHHH. I hope it goes well...oh I do I do I do. It's painful. PAINFUL!!!! Anywoot. I don't know. I'm running on nothing now-a-days. My emotions are WHOOSH...gone. I'm running on E. And Iono I'm so sick of people in our group. People who can't keep secrets and bad mouth others behind their backs. It's just....UGH! Why can't we Be friends. YOU KNOW?? Back like it used to be. It didn't used to be this bad. I'm just in a really bad Predic-er-ment. I'm in an UNHEALTHY spot in my life. es P.S. The new USED CD came out today. ONE WEEK TIL GC's NEW CD!!!! ARE YOU READY!????? I AM!

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Blurty for Without You...my Heart is BROKEN. View: User Info. View: Friends. View: Calendar. View: Memories. You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.